What did we learn from the 2017 VMAs?

So E! didn't host a red carpet special this year because MTV thought they had a handle on everything alone. And the red carpet wasn't outside, instead everyone arrived into this giant, dark dome thing that MTV kept bragging had air-conditioning (similar to people in New York who boast about having an in-unit washer/dryer, BITCH WE GET IT). Also, everyone knows that being out in the Los Angeles sun with mere mortals is so 2016.

Because I know you're curious, here's a pic of me at the show. I'm shy. And I look a lot like Gal Gadot which is why I'm doing this Wonder Woman pose.

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Anyway, I was genuinely worried that I would be short on ridic red carpet moments because of the lack of Seacrest/Rancic, but alas, the MTV hosts delivered.

One such host, Gaby Wilson, wore a dress from the 2006 Wet Seal collection, featuring custom made Shaq shoelaces.

She provided one of the best moments of the night when cameras were panning back to her after a commercial break and she obviously did not realize her mic was on as she said "I don't know who any of these people are." I am absolutely positive she was referring to these child-sized boxes of skim milk:

This was the first time I didn't know of a new group. Ever. In the history of K-Mac. Which, to be honest it's sad that I've kept up with all of these emerging fetus acts, but this group. What. Why did four of them buy the same wig and let the one on the right get the discounted "can I speak to your manager" white mom wig?

Our girl Gaby also interviewed Jared Leto and his band Thirty Seconds to Mars and anyway he came dressed as the grand wizard of candy mountain.

Jared then proceeded to remind us that he loooooves to mansplain. A quick recap:

Jared: "Our performance will feature some technology that's never been seen before."

Gaby: "Oh really? What kind of technology?"

Jared: "...a technology that has never been seen before."

Gaby: "...yeah, I mean I know what you literally mean."

He then continued to prove why he is our ex-boyfriend by taking a jab at Gaby's youth with this exchange:

Jared: "The band hasn't been at the VMAs in four years. How old were you four years ago?"

Gaby: "...four years younger than I am now."

BOY BYE, GET THAT BUBBLE BATH BEARD OUT OF HERE. Which, speaking of horrendously creepy facial hair, we also had to endure this:

I don't know what creepy trucker convention both Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris arrived from, all I know is I've never felt a more physical rejection to something (besides that time I had "sushi" from that gas station). I can't linger on this section anymore because I fear they'll both materialize outside my window or something.

Enough with these wack ass dudes. Best dressed of the night:

Yes, Teyana Taylor is just wearing wide legged slacks and a white crop top, but you guys. Have you seen her face and hair in coordination with her bod. It's ridic. She must be one of the most gorgeous people on the planet and if you're ever looking for inspiration to go to the gym, just watch Kanye's "Fade" video. On my way to buy this outfit because I assume it'll have some sort of Teyana effect giving me instant abs.

I liked the simple yet elegant factor to Lauren Jauregui's red dress. Plus, who doesn't love underboob cutouts to air the tater tots out. Also, I bet those cutouts can serve as quasi-pockets if you're ever unsure of where to put your hands. Just put them in those little underboob hand holsters. As an aside, I have an entire dissertation about how perfect Lauren's brows are. They're insanely ridic and she just wakes up every day with them looking like that. She doesn't have to brush and detangle and fill them in like a paint-by-numbers situation.

I know Hailee Steinfeld's dress looks a little like a fancy wrinkled napkin, but I'm digging it. It has this great cutout perfect for placing a bowl of cereal on while you're eating lying down. Love the color and the length and the cross-neck deal that 2006-me would have clipped her Motorola Razr onto. Convenience!

I think I've made it pretty clear in past posts that I love Demi's current look. These MC Hammer-Aladdin pants look comfortable as hell yet they remain fancy because everyone knows bejeweling anything makes it fancy. And I'm a die-hard fan for nude colored bodysuit tops and have been since Britney did it in the "Toxic" vid.

Before moving onto the actual show I need to note my absolute favorite thing of the pre-show:

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Cardi B performed "Bodak Yellow," aka, the song I've been listening to on repeat in an effort to memorize the lyrics. I like having a song prepared should a mic fall into my lap at a birthday, wedding, funeral, etc. For some background, she's from the Bronx, was on "Love & Hip Hop: New York" and used to be a stripper. So what I'm saying is that my role models are now Hillary (Clinton and Duff), Amal Clooney and Cardi B.

To the show!

Kendrick Lamar. So hot right now.

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Kendrick Lamar literally set the stage on fire and had ninjas running around while performing "DNA" and "Humble" and I became angry again that Swifty beat him for album of the year at the 2016 Grammys. I saw him live just a couple months ago and I can verify that he is amazing. Even while he's rapping 120 mph, his voice is still smooth like cheesecake. He won 6 VMAs, including video of the year and was so humble (haha, good one) only making every single person on the planet love him more.

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Lil Uzi Vert (ginger) spiced up his life

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First off, having Ed perform right after Kendrick is like having a super flavorful, amazing entree only to follow it up with plain ass greek yogurt for dessert. But he did bring out Lil Uzi Vert and they did this mash-up of "Shape of You" and "XO Tour Llif3," which included Ed singing the hook of Uzi's song. And um, I'll just let Cardi B's reaction speak for me as well:

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Fifth Harmony snatched every single wig that I own

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When I first saw five silhouettes on stage, I was like, oh I guess Camila came back. But then the middle girl got ripped off stage making them a petty party of four and it was dramatic and extra and EVERYTHING I LOVE IN A PERFORMANCE. They sang a bit of "Angel" before segueing into the next part of the performance by doing this:

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They performed "Down" with Gucci Mane (plz watch it ASAP here) and their choreography was on point and just when I thought I was done screaming, Normani did this and completely slayed me:

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I involuntarily screamed "YOOOO OH MY GOD GIRL YAAAAAAS BITCH" and Bebe Rexha had exactly the same reaction:

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They concluded their performance with rain, which as we all know is my copyrighted stage finisher:

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My point here is that I am now bald and Fifth Harmony is to blame. Please don't let them Danity Kane themselves with a breakup anytime soon.

WHO THE HELL CUT OFF JULIA MICHAELS

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There's nothing worse than listening to Julia Michaels' amazing voice only to have it interrupted by an announcer saying "Next up, the exclusive premiere of Taylor Swift's new video" AND THEN CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL. I can't tell you how many times Taylor Swift has interrupted something I love. Like right now, she is interrupting this paragraph. GET OUT, SWIFTY.

Update: Shawn Mendes is 19

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Which means I am only like 1 1/2 dog years older than him and if Aaliyah taught me anything it's to dust yourself off and try again and also age aint nothin but a number, baby. (Also to clarify, I am not a creep, we have established that in the fact that he is 19)

Lorde really out Lorde'd herself

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Okay in her defense, she was sick, so I suppose that's why she didn't sing. Instead, we got this semi-strange but very Lorde'y interpretive dance set to "Homemade Dynamite." I love how she is at that level of fame where she doesn't even have to sing. Millions of people can just watch her dance to her own song. Totally down with that.

Demi stole my casual Friday outfit

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Don't y'all hate it when you find that perfect balance of a top held together by safety pins with cowboy pants only to find that someone else is wearing it first? So frustrating. Can't hate her though because, well, her voice is amazing and her dancers concluded the performance by death dropping. This is the one dance move in life I strive to learn. I haven't mastered it yet mostly due to the fear that my kneecaps will shoot out of my skin. But hey, who needs those pesky kneecaps anyway!

What cardio routine does Pink do

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Pink received the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and performed a medley of all her hits, aka, songs every person knows every lyric to. She ran around and sang live and honestly I was exhausted. I imagine her workout routine includes her sprinting up Mt. Everest carrying every member of The Pussycat Dolls. 

The audience shots of her daughter and husband Carey Hart were entirely too cute:

She gave the sweetest speech, telling her daughter to love herself and that she is beautiful and reminded us why we love Pink and her no-BS attitude.

Logic had me feeling real human emotions

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Logic, Alessia Cara and Khalid performed "1-800-273-8255," which is titled after the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Suicide loss and attempt survivors joined them onstage and it was truly a moving performance that ended with Logic giving a pretty powerful speech about the importance of using his platform to address issues like mental health and depression. Definitely one of the best performances of the night.

Thirty Seconds to Mars or promo for that Just Dance game?

So infrared was the "technology" Jared Leto mansplained in the pre-show. Which, I guess when you take yourself as seriously as Jared Leto, aka Jordan Catalano, does, then this was super artsy and amazing and wow. All I kept thinking was it looked like those cheesy commercials for that Just Dance game. Seems gamers beat dear ol' Jared to being most hip.

Jack Antonoff is all of us watching Katy Perry bomb as host

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Not including her in any of this because I found her to be so incredibly awkward. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since that time I wore skinny jeans over a sunburn on an international flight. She did however gift us with an appearance by Nicki Minaj during "Swish Swish," for which we do thank her.

And that's it! I can't believe the show was three hours, more importantly, I can't believe I avoided Game of Thrones finale spoilers that were plastered all over Twitter. Where is my award for managing to do that.

I leave you with this absolutely necessary gif of Cardi B. See you in September for the Emmys!

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What did we learn from the 2016 MTV Beyonce Music Awards?

This weekend, I was awakened from my cryogenically frozen state to witness the MTV Video Music Awards. I like to think of the VMAs as sort of gateway drug to the rest of awards show season. They're like a Taco Bell soft taco -- something full of questionable things you get as a warm-up for bigger and better Crunchwrap Supremes.

2016 VMAs, here we go!

Our RiRi and her dancers opened the show wearing pieces from the exclusive Pepto Bismol collection by Vera Wang. 

The face I make when I pull into Chick Fil-A and realize it's Sunday
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Which, speaking of Pepto Bismol, she performed "Where Have You Been" and "We Found Love." Two hit songs I sing in the process of getting Chipotle. So this first performance (of four) held a special place in my heart. And by heart, I mean stomach.

Okay, so the Rihanna show was off to a great, stomach-soothing start. But then this leathery disaster happened:

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I am extremely confused by everything happening here. A leather track suit. He's wearing a green, leather track suit. Complete with drawstring pants. Because honestly, how many times have you been wearing leather track pants and thought, "Damn, I wish these had a drawstring." I am outraged for little Nicky -- who in his camp found these at Wet Seal or Guess and convinced him they were a good idea? What monster decided track suits were too comfortable and could be bettered by being made with non-stretchy, sweat-inducing material?

I was severely impacted by the Green Leather Incident of 2016. But then a flawless, beautiful creature descended upon this shit show and revived my spirits:

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I'll never forget Aug. 28, the day I died and the cause of death was Beyonce. I truly out-YAAASS'd myself, so much to the point I had no YAASS's left in me. And she didn't perform just one song. Or even two. FIVE. FIVE SONGS FROM "LEMONADE." Which, wasn't nearly enough. It was sad when the Beyonce concert was over -- similar to when you're eating a giant chocolate chip cookie, so full of hope and pure joy as it seems this cookie will never end. And then it does. #BeyCookie

Also really enjoyed this special baseball bat appearance. Little known fact: Beyonce invented baseball.

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Speaking of Beyonce, the Final Five Four (Gabby was sick!) presented her with the award for Best Female Video and I can't believe the internet didn't break. Simone! Beyonce! I think we know who Hillary will be choosing as her co-VPs. That woman in the black dress to the far right is me, in case anyone is wondering what I look like. I'm a proud mama, what can I say.

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I need to preface the next section with a disclaimer: I love everything Britney Spears does. I was with her during the head shaving and sloppy train wreck of 2007. I thought the "Blackout" album was amazing and still think "Gimme More" is an American classic. And I think it's perfectly normal for her to walk around disgusting gas station bathrooms barefoot. So, if she wants to come out quite literally attached to marionette strings and not even pretend to lip synch dressed in a Borat bathing suit, I AM 100% ON BOARD. 

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Really love how most of her critics continue to say "she poorly lip synchs" and blah blah. BITCH, DO YOU THINK WE CAME HERE TO HEAR HER SING? OR DANCE? OR MOVE LIKE A HUMAN? WE CAME FOR BRITNEY, BITCH. Personally, I respect her dancing that is a combo of trotting around the stage and posing and hair flipping. With a lot of hand miming or whatever it is she's doing with her hands. Borat Britney is something I will blindly and passionately defend.

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I completely forgot to mention there was a SoulCycle break during the show:

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The ponytail formerly known as Ariana Grande performed a song that I can't remember the name of because I was too concerned with the fact I didn't have cycling shoes. Can I even be in this class? Her performance with Nicki Minaj ended with them pushing guys faces into their crotches, which is pretty standard following any exercise class.

Reminder: Use "Bitch Better Have My Money" as the song to walk down the aisle to and make this face while reciting my vows:

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After apparently missing half of the show, making him one of the lucky few to miss Kanye's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs speech, Drake finally arrived all dapper and ready to present Rihanna with her MVP trophy. 

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A few things:

• Drake has what appears to be the smoothest beard in the world. I imagine it feels like one of those soft throw blankets at the store, that when you feel how soft it is, you make your friend come over and touch it. 
• I will hold on like frozen Leo to the Drake and Rihanna dating rumors.
• I feel like Rihanna is the type of person who can go out until 4 a.m. and drink 18 bottles of vodka, then get french fries and five hamburgers on the way home and wake up the next morning looking fresh and flawless ready for a magazine shoot. Whereas, I can look at Chinese takeout noodles and get bloated. Face all puffy and shit for weeks.

In case you read through this and still wondered, what is the major takeaway from this year's show? The answer is Beyonce.

Thanks VMAs! One soft taco down, 10 Crunchwrap Supremes to go.