What did we learn from the 2017 American Music Awards?

It's our last Red Carpet of the year! For a "major" awards show anyway, and I use quotation marks heavily here because as far as I know, the AMA's haven't been major since Beyonce last attended in 2008.

I'm going to skip over the two hours I spent having my brain turned into mashed potatoes by E!'s Red Carpet because you already know my thoughts. To summarize: Giuliana wasn't there but she has managed to siphon her idiotic interviewing skills into every person who works at the network.

Best dressed:

I absolutely love Kehlani and I'll give you a moment to Spotify and memorize all of her music. I actually don't see her on red carpets that often, so this was a pleasant surprise. I'm 100% in with this outfit. It's like she was lounging at home in a black bathing suit, then her stylist showed up and was like "Girl, the AMAs are in an hour" and she was like "Cool, I'm just gonna cover up with this lacey curtain." It has every element I love in a dress: 1) Shimmery 2) Lacey 3) See through. Also, her makeup and hair were onpoint and I bet at the end of the night, she simply removed the curtain and got into bed. Easy fashion!

Haliee Steinfeld is keeping my favorite trend going -- the suit + bra combo. Digging the pointy-Disney-villain shoulders on this jacket and I'm even onboard with the slicked back hair look. The best part of the jacket is that later at the afterparty when they bring out chicken fingers and fries, she can button the jacket up to hide the fact that she's eaten 5 lbs. of chicken. Plus, she can use the grease on her fingers from said chicken to keep her hair in place. Multifunctional fashion is my favorite.

Worst dressed:

I don't know if this is Florida or Georgia from Florida Georgia Line, but I am not feeling his "I'm a flasher" look. I'm sorry this image is huge but I needed you to get the full effect. And honestly, guys have it so easy when it comes to dressing up. Here's how to conquer the red carpet as a man: 1) Comb your hair 2) Wear a nice, tailored suit 3) Brush your teeth 4) Bring M&Ms to share 5) Don't come dressed as a creep in a trench coat. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

I'm not mentioning anymore fashion because one person showed up and topped everything:

BLONDE SELENA DID NOT COME TO PLAY 

Source

I am actually screaming just reliving this look. Y'ALL. If you're wondering what a "revenge look" is, this is it. The blonde hair. The hoops. The leather jacket dress. Is this look a ventilator because I AM LIVING FOR IT. I was still feeling sad about her breakup with The Weeknd, but this look shut down everything because in short, Selena wins. Does anyone know where I can acquire this dress because I plan to make it my main look during my rebel, Rihanna-bad-girl phase. I think I'll also use it during my first divorce hearing. Also, can y'all bury me in this. Great, thanks.

While on the topic of Selenita, she performed her new song "Wolves" (her only televised performance of the year) and it was...interesting.

Source

The theme seemed to be Civil War swamp ghosts and dear God those dresses were some of the creepiest shit I've seen in a while. They are the exact dress that ALL ghosts wear. And Selena had fake wounds and blood and I had no idea what was going on. I'm 65% sure she was lip-synching probably because she knew those dollhouse ghosts would continually scare the air out of her. Anyway, it was weird AF and I felt frightened for most of it, and thus I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.

Kelly Clarkson: Still got it
Kelly's voice is absolutely insane and I cannot believe that the runner-up in her American Idol season was mother fracking Justin Guarini. Meaning the American public chose between Kelly Clarkson and her amazing ass voice and Justin Guarini. I will never understand. She performed "Everybody Hurts" with Pink and then on her own later.

During her solo performance, she sang "Miss Independent" and 16-year-old me could not stop screaming. Don't play like you didn't blast that song in your used Honda while pretending that some dumb boy had wronged you. And her dancers were dressed like Carmen Sandiego while she looked like a regal, golden bird and this entire aesthetic was supreme.

Source

Unsurprising section where I make you uncomfortable about my love for Shawn Mendes

E! did me an actual favor and asked Shawn if he brought a date and if he's seeing anyone to which he replied "I didn't bring anyone and I'm not seeing anyone." He went on to say that the one thing he's looking for in a significant other is "a sense of humor." And look, as women we should never strive to be something just because a man deems it mandatory, but anyway be on the lookout for my Netflix special titled "Kristi has a sense of humor and is single and will completely change herself in any way to date Shawn Mendes." Also here is actual footage of me upon hearing he didn't bring a date:

Source

My little poutine performed "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" and even though his hair is getting long and kind of poofy and he can't rent a car without being charged an extra fee, I still love him. All of my creepiness aside, you have to admit he has a pretty spectacular voice. And he won the award for best adult contemporary artist, key word here: ADULT. 

Source

BREAKING NEWS: I like K-Pop

So I first learned about BTS during this year's Billboard Music Awards and I thought they were adorable. There's 7 of them and their name stands for a Korean expression that quite literally translates into "Bulletproof Boy Scouts." They are MAAAAAAAJOR in South Korea and have a pretty legit global presence on social media and this year Time named them one of the top 25 influential people on the internet. 

Source

Anyway, they performed their single "DNA," lip-synched into Britney mics and danced and I would've thought it was cheesy had I not been so busy screaming. And I don't even speak Korean but I guess this is how I'll finally learn.

Okay Pink, we get it

Source

Pink recently did Carpool Karaoke and she told James Corden that she thinks it's easier to sing while suspended upside down. I don't know how this woman does it. I can barely eat a bowl of pasta without getting winded and here she is hanging off the side of a Marriott hotel, flipping and shit, while singing live. The last time I tried to do something of this multitasking level I was driving and tried to reach for some macaroons in my passenger seat. Long story short, it ended with me jumping a curb and popping a hole in my tire. We can't all be Pink I guess.

I need hoop earrings

Source

This new era of Demi Lovato is amazing. That tan. The long, straight black hair. That IDGAF attitude. AND THOSE HOOPS. I cannot stop thinking about the hoops. I went through a hoop phase in middle school because Teen People told me they were cool and while I haven't worn them since, I think it's time for a resurgence.

She performed "Sorry Not Sorry," which coincidentally enough is what I say to my friends after I eat their fries while they're in the bathroom. We can all agree it's a banger and has the lyrics "Now payback is a bad bitch and baby I'm the baddest, you fuckin' with a savage" which I plan to somehow incorporate into my wedding vows to let my husband know what's up. 

Lastly, I can't screech enough about Demi's eye makeup and PERFECT BROWS. ACTUAL PERFECTION.

Do presenters get to request how they're introduced?

Before Kat Graham came out, they introduced her as "actress, singer, activist" and honestly like 15 other things and it made me wonder, do you just get to request anything? Like could you be introduced as "Actress, Non-practicing model, 2nd grade sit-up record holder, and Chrissy Teigen enthusiast"? Asking for a friend.

ABC needs to stop with shots of random audience members

Source

Okay this isn't a random audience member, it's actually Julia Michaels, but I couldn't find any gifs of random audience members because THE INTERNET DOES NOT CARE AND NEITHER DO I. None of us care what Janice looks like dancing to Nick Jonas, okay. NONE OF US.

Christina looks...different

Source

And by "different" I mean DAMN THOSE LIP FILLERS. I was excited to see her perform a tribute to Whitney and "The Bodyguard" because XTina's voice is crazy. But to be completely honest, all I did was stare at those pillows around her mouth. How many tubes of gloss did she have to use? It just seems like so much work. And okay I'm about to say something that may be unpopular...I thought there was something off about her performance. She hit some amazing notes and she 100% still has it, but I don't know. It's like when you get a sandwich but forget to order cheese on it and while you're eating it, you're like "this just isn't right." Christina was missing that cheese factor.

Just a reminder that Ashlee Simpson is Diana Ross' daughter-in-law

Source

Diana Ross won the Lifetime Achievement Award and closed out the show and I don't need to yell to you about how iconic she is. She brought her entire family, which includes Ashlee "Pieces of Me" Simpson, who is married to Diana's son Evan. Evan, by the way, is smoking hot and I look forward to being his next wife and marrying into the Ross family.

As a reminder, Diana Ross has won countless awards, has been inducted into Hall of Fames and received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from our old pal Barry Obama in 2016. And meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson said insightful things like this:

Source

And where was Chrissy, might you ask?

Her and John sat courtside for the Lakers v. Nuggets game wherein she put mustard on a hot dog and played Super Mario Odyssey on her Nintendo Switch. She continues to be an inspiration in my life.

And that's it! Another awards show season in the books and another year that I was unable to figure out how to reach through the TV and slap Giuliana. There's always next year! Til then, I'll be posting random posts here and there on pop culture topics that demand my snark expertise. And you can always creep on me here.

See you soon!

What did we learn from the 2017 VMAs?

So E! didn't host a red carpet special this year because MTV thought they had a handle on everything alone. And the red carpet wasn't outside, instead everyone arrived into this giant, dark dome thing that MTV kept bragging had air-conditioning (similar to people in New York who boast about having an in-unit washer/dryer, BITCH WE GET IT). Also, everyone knows that being out in the Los Angeles sun with mere mortals is so 2016.

Because I know you're curious, here's a pic of me at the show. I'm shy. And I look a lot like Gal Gadot which is why I'm doing this Wonder Woman pose.

Source

Anyway, I was genuinely worried that I would be short on ridic red carpet moments because of the lack of Seacrest/Rancic, but alas, the MTV hosts delivered.

One such host, Gaby Wilson, wore a dress from the 2006 Wet Seal collection, featuring custom made Shaq shoelaces.

She provided one of the best moments of the night when cameras were panning back to her after a commercial break and she obviously did not realize her mic was on as she said "I don't know who any of these people are." I am absolutely positive she was referring to these child-sized boxes of skim milk:

This was the first time I didn't know of a new group. Ever. In the history of K-Mac. Which, to be honest it's sad that I've kept up with all of these emerging fetus acts, but this group. What. Why did four of them buy the same wig and let the one on the right get the discounted "can I speak to your manager" white mom wig?

Our girl Gaby also interviewed Jared Leto and his band Thirty Seconds to Mars and anyway he came dressed as the grand wizard of candy mountain.

Jared then proceeded to remind us that he loooooves to mansplain. A quick recap:

Jared: "Our performance will feature some technology that's never been seen before."

Gaby: "Oh really? What kind of technology?"

Jared: "...a technology that has never been seen before."

Gaby: "...yeah, I mean I know what you literally mean."

He then continued to prove why he is our ex-boyfriend by taking a jab at Gaby's youth with this exchange:

Jared: "The band hasn't been at the VMAs in four years. How old were you four years ago?"

Gaby: "...four years younger than I am now."

BOY BYE, GET THAT BUBBLE BATH BEARD OUT OF HERE. Which, speaking of horrendously creepy facial hair, we also had to endure this:

I don't know what creepy trucker convention both Joe Jonas and Calvin Harris arrived from, all I know is I've never felt a more physical rejection to something (besides that time I had "sushi" from that gas station). I can't linger on this section anymore because I fear they'll both materialize outside my window or something.

Enough with these wack ass dudes. Best dressed of the night:

Yes, Teyana Taylor is just wearing wide legged slacks and a white crop top, but you guys. Have you seen her face and hair in coordination with her bod. It's ridic. She must be one of the most gorgeous people on the planet and if you're ever looking for inspiration to go to the gym, just watch Kanye's "Fade" video. On my way to buy this outfit because I assume it'll have some sort of Teyana effect giving me instant abs.

I liked the simple yet elegant factor to Lauren Jauregui's red dress. Plus, who doesn't love underboob cutouts to air the tater tots out. Also, I bet those cutouts can serve as quasi-pockets if you're ever unsure of where to put your hands. Just put them in those little underboob hand holsters. As an aside, I have an entire dissertation about how perfect Lauren's brows are. They're insanely ridic and she just wakes up every day with them looking like that. She doesn't have to brush and detangle and fill them in like a paint-by-numbers situation.

I know Hailee Steinfeld's dress looks a little like a fancy wrinkled napkin, but I'm digging it. It has this great cutout perfect for placing a bowl of cereal on while you're eating lying down. Love the color and the length and the cross-neck deal that 2006-me would have clipped her Motorola Razr onto. Convenience!

I think I've made it pretty clear in past posts that I love Demi's current look. These MC Hammer-Aladdin pants look comfortable as hell yet they remain fancy because everyone knows bejeweling anything makes it fancy. And I'm a die-hard fan for nude colored bodysuit tops and have been since Britney did it in the "Toxic" vid.

Before moving onto the actual show I need to note my absolute favorite thing of the pre-show:

Source

Cardi B performed "Bodak Yellow," aka, the song I've been listening to on repeat in an effort to memorize the lyrics. I like having a song prepared should a mic fall into my lap at a birthday, wedding, funeral, etc. For some background, she's from the Bronx, was on "Love & Hip Hop: New York" and used to be a stripper. So what I'm saying is that my role models are now Hillary (Clinton and Duff), Amal Clooney and Cardi B.

To the show!

Kendrick Lamar. So hot right now.

Source

Kendrick Lamar literally set the stage on fire and had ninjas running around while performing "DNA" and "Humble" and I became angry again that Swifty beat him for album of the year at the 2016 Grammys. I saw him live just a couple months ago and I can verify that he is amazing. Even while he's rapping 120 mph, his voice is still smooth like cheesecake. He won 6 VMAs, including video of the year and was so humble (haha, good one) only making every single person on the planet love him more.

Source

Lil Uzi Vert (ginger) spiced up his life

Source

First off, having Ed perform right after Kendrick is like having a super flavorful, amazing entree only to follow it up with plain ass greek yogurt for dessert. But he did bring out Lil Uzi Vert and they did this mash-up of "Shape of You" and "XO Tour Llif3," which included Ed singing the hook of Uzi's song. And um, I'll just let Cardi B's reaction speak for me as well:

Source

Fifth Harmony snatched every single wig that I own

Source

When I first saw five silhouettes on stage, I was like, oh I guess Camila came back. But then the middle girl got ripped off stage making them a petty party of four and it was dramatic and extra and EVERYTHING I LOVE IN A PERFORMANCE. They sang a bit of "Angel" before segueing into the next part of the performance by doing this:

Source

They performed "Down" with Gucci Mane (plz watch it ASAP here) and their choreography was on point and just when I thought I was done screaming, Normani did this and completely slayed me:

Source

I involuntarily screamed "YOOOO OH MY GOD GIRL YAAAAAAS BITCH" and Bebe Rexha had exactly the same reaction:

Source

They concluded their performance with rain, which as we all know is my copyrighted stage finisher:

Source

My point here is that I am now bald and Fifth Harmony is to blame. Please don't let them Danity Kane themselves with a breakup anytime soon.

WHO THE HELL CUT OFF JULIA MICHAELS

Source

There's nothing worse than listening to Julia Michaels' amazing voice only to have it interrupted by an announcer saying "Next up, the exclusive premiere of Taylor Swift's new video" AND THEN CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL. I can't tell you how many times Taylor Swift has interrupted something I love. Like right now, she is interrupting this paragraph. GET OUT, SWIFTY.

Update: Shawn Mendes is 19

Source

Which means I am only like 1 1/2 dog years older than him and if Aaliyah taught me anything it's to dust yourself off and try again and also age aint nothin but a number, baby. (Also to clarify, I am not a creep, we have established that in the fact that he is 19)

Lorde really out Lorde'd herself

Source

Okay in her defense, she was sick, so I suppose that's why she didn't sing. Instead, we got this semi-strange but very Lorde'y interpretive dance set to "Homemade Dynamite." I love how she is at that level of fame where she doesn't even have to sing. Millions of people can just watch her dance to her own song. Totally down with that.

Demi stole my casual Friday outfit

Source

Don't y'all hate it when you find that perfect balance of a top held together by safety pins with cowboy pants only to find that someone else is wearing it first? So frustrating. Can't hate her though because, well, her voice is amazing and her dancers concluded the performance by death dropping. This is the one dance move in life I strive to learn. I haven't mastered it yet mostly due to the fear that my kneecaps will shoot out of my skin. But hey, who needs those pesky kneecaps anyway!

What cardio routine does Pink do

Source

Pink received the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award and performed a medley of all her hits, aka, songs every person knows every lyric to. She ran around and sang live and honestly I was exhausted. I imagine her workout routine includes her sprinting up Mt. Everest carrying every member of The Pussycat Dolls. 

The audience shots of her daughter and husband Carey Hart were entirely too cute:

She gave the sweetest speech, telling her daughter to love herself and that she is beautiful and reminded us why we love Pink and her no-BS attitude.

Logic had me feeling real human emotions

Source

Logic, Alessia Cara and Khalid performed "1-800-273-8255," which is titled after the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Suicide loss and attempt survivors joined them onstage and it was truly a moving performance that ended with Logic giving a pretty powerful speech about the importance of using his platform to address issues like mental health and depression. Definitely one of the best performances of the night.

Thirty Seconds to Mars or promo for that Just Dance game?

So infrared was the "technology" Jared Leto mansplained in the pre-show. Which, I guess when you take yourself as seriously as Jared Leto, aka Jordan Catalano, does, then this was super artsy and amazing and wow. All I kept thinking was it looked like those cheesy commercials for that Just Dance game. Seems gamers beat dear ol' Jared to being most hip.

Jack Antonoff is all of us watching Katy Perry bomb as host

Source

Not including her in any of this because I found her to be so incredibly awkward. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since that time I wore skinny jeans over a sunburn on an international flight. She did however gift us with an appearance by Nicki Minaj during "Swish Swish," for which we do thank her.

And that's it! I can't believe the show was three hours, more importantly, I can't believe I avoided Game of Thrones finale spoilers that were plastered all over Twitter. Where is my award for managing to do that.

I leave you with this absolutely necessary gif of Cardi B. See you in September for the Emmys!

Source