What did we learn from the 2020 Emmys?

It is (apparently) awards season, again! Because there's nothing we all needed more than to witness a giant Zoom meeting with 100 celebs. 

For this year's virtual event, nominees were sent "DIY video kits" to set up in their homes, which means there are hundreds of personal assistants who are now experts in A/V tech support. This also means we got to see who among the Hollywood bunch pays for actual good internet service and who is just using spoons taped to each other aimed at the sky.

Upfront I'll tell you the biggest takeaway of the evening was Laura Dern did not win an Emmy from home and neither did I, so we finally have something in common. 

Now, let's get into it!

Things I enjoyed

1)  ZENDAYA'S WIN!!!

If you've learned one thing from this blog, it's that I like to get unreasonably emotionally invested in celebrity matters. For the Emmys, I invested all of my energy into Zendaya needing to win lead actress in a drama. And she did it! Youngest Emmy winner EVER in the category! I didn't write an honors thesis in college so this is about to be it. No one gave a better dramatic performance this year than Zendaya did in "Euphoria." The range. How she was completely Rue, inside and out. How "Euphoria" made me feel unbelievably anxious for an entire season in large part thanks to her acting (and also Jacob Elordi's scarily convincing turn as a violent, unpredictable terror). 

The category was pretty stacked and not to get on the shitting-on-Ozark train, but I am the conductor so, I was VERY worried they'd give the award to Laura Linney instead. In terms of rankings, she was at the bottom of my list and these shows LOVE to award whoever is ranked last on Kristi's list, so it was a substantiated worry. But the award went to *GASP* the actress who actually deserved it! A novel concept!

2)  Regina King continuing her awards show reign

After Schitt's dominated the comedy categories, we.....watched.....the limited series awards rack up for "Watchmen" (I know you're cracking up at that, thanks). The show won 11 Emmys, of course including Regina King for lead actress and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II for supporting actor. And while we know Regina King can do it all, let's just take a look at the receipts of her greatness because it's fun (thanks to Erik Davis): 

• 2015: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2016: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2018: Emmy for "Seven Seconds"
• 2019: Oscar for "If Beale Street Could Talk"
  
• 2020: Emmy for "Watchmen"

3)  "Schitt's Creek," an ACTUAL comedy, winning all of the comedy Emmys

And I mean ALL of them. A total of 9 awards, it's the most a comedy has ever won in a single year. The entire first hour of the show was just a Real Housewives of Schitt's Creek reunion (minus Andy Cohen) with every cast member accepting awards. They swept awards in all four acting categories (the first show, comedy or drama, to ever do it) plus awards for directing and writing. Like damn Emmys, calm down, we get it. You liked the final season. (I'm also quietly whispering that I was a little disappointed "The Good Place" got nothing, especially D'Arcy Carden.) 

Schitt's winning so much was shocking purely because the Television Academy LOVES to give comedy awards to shows that are NOT comedies. As the self-appointed lifeguard monitoring the pool of comedies, I'll admit there's definitely a range of depth when it comes to comedy. So we have shows like "The Big Bang Theory" in the shallow end, shows like Schitt's somewhere in the middle and shows like "Insecure" in the deep end. And then you have shows like "Dead to Me" and "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" that aren't even at the pool. In fact, they've never seen a pool, so when they get recognized as the best pool goers it boggles my mind. The point here is it's good to see a show from the actual pool party win it all.

4)  Uzo Aduba winning supporting actress in a limited series for playing Shirley Chisholm in "Mrs. America" 

I love her and while I have never legally acquired an Emmy, I have yelled the same sentiment to my mom after winning a level of Candy Crush (back when that was a thing), so I felt a kinship to her reaction. 

5) "Succession" dominating the drama categories

The show won 7 Emmys, including best drama, which more importantly means we got to hear the theme song play 7 times. It is, hands down, the best TV theme song ever (just edging out TLC's "All That" theme), so much so that when I binged the first two seasons, I sat through the opening credits every time. Music aside, this past season was actually a real...Roy'llercoaster (lollllllll)...that ended with a wild ass finale. The fact that HBO has "Succession" AND "Watchmen" AND "Insecure" AND "This May Destroy You," I mean phew. There's a reason they won the most awards of any network (and they probably will next year too).

Things I did not enjoy

1)  Jimmy Kimmel's hosting. We've gone without a lot of things in 2020, but ABC wanted to ensure we did not have to go without some Jimmy Kimmel. Similar to an acquaintance (not even a friend) coming over to your house and clogging your toilet, his entire presence was just unnecessarily shitty. And because I'm a problem solver, I've compiled a list of things we could've filled the time with instead:

• This live cam of sea otters at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
• This Blackpink music video on loop
• Tina and Amy's opening monologue from the 2013 Golden Globes
• This 12-hour fireplace YouTube video
• Honestly, a blank screen

2)  Anything involving "Ozark" because as a reminder, I still refuse to watch it. Sorry. I would rather watch a potato cook in the microwave. And why such a strong negative reaction? It's the Bateman factor. Anytime I watch him in anything, I can't NOT make a "does something smell" face. And those are facial lines I cannot afford these days. Also if I want to watch a dysfunctional white family doing crimes, I will watch "Succession," thanks.

3)  Billy Crudup breaking up the "Succession" streak by winning the Emmy for supporting actor in a drama. Even though he went to UNC, I cannot stand this man. Y'all remember in the early 00s when he ABANDONED his then-six-months pregnant girlfriend Mary Louise-Parker for Clare Danes?? If you don't remember, don't worry I do and I'm holding a grudge for all of us. The point is he has a history of breaking up things, so let's just throw this man straight in the trash. 

Things I'm unsure about

Can you even believe I've gone almost an entire post without objectifying a few men while wavering about if I should date them? Right well we've reached that part of the post now. If y'all could help me decide here, that'd be great.

Jeremy Strong, yes or yes?

He continued his awards show tradition of wearing ill fitting, fugly brown suits, but this year added an extra pop of brown with an unnecessary scarf. No one has confused my senses more. Sometimes I find him really attractive? And other times, I'm like why are his shoulders so small? As you can imagine, watching "Succession" took a real emotional toll on me because I was constantly flip flopping on if I should consider dating him. And to respond to what you're thinking, yes I agree I am a complex thinker capable of absorbing a tv show WHILE making totally real life relationship decisions.

Paul Mescal, yes or yes please?

I think I have a clearer answer on this one and it's that I find Connell on "Normal People" attractive, but not necessarily Paul Mescal. Which speaking of, if you're trying to feel depressed for an entire afternoon (because you'll definitely binge the show all at once), I highly recommend the series. And then you'll understand why there is an entire Twitter account dedicated to Connell's chain. The bottomline here is after staring at this screenshot, it turns out I would in fact like to date him. He has a plant! What a responsible man.

Wrapping up this section by clarifying that despite my public show of indecisiveness, there is a 140% chance I would marry both of these men. They get that good TV money and could fund my wiener dog habit.

And that's it! Jimmy Kimmel aside, the show didn't go as terribly as I expected. And in terms of actual award winners, this was one of the best years for both me and also my neighbors who did not have to endure my reactionary intermittent screeching.

Speaking of screeching, yet another thing no one needs is returning — the Bachelorette! See you all soon for that!

What did we learn from the 2020 Oscars?

While I usually watch E!'s Oscars pre-pre show that starts 3 hours before the actual show, this year I opted out. Instead, I chose to watch the pre-pre-pre-pre-show that started at 1 p.m. THAT IS 7 HOURS BEFORE THE ACTUAL OSCARS. Do I think I deserve a medal? Yes and that medal is this gif of Laura Dern and Adam Driver to prevent the thumbnail of this post from being Rancic and Kristin Cavallari.

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And of course, the only item of note that E! gave us in 7 hours was revealing Rancic and Kristin are having some sort of tanning competition.

It's like they soaked in tubs of Doritos before showering off in orange juice and rolling in rust. Glam.

To the last (major) show of the season! (As a note, here's the full winners list if my journalistic recap isn't enough for you.)

Some notes on fashion

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I don't mean to sound cheesy, but I love Brie (lollllllllll). Now that I think of it, she's pretty reliable for looking great on the red carpet and this was by far my favorite gown of the night. Pink seemed to be a popular dress color, but the jeweling and fit and MOFO CAPE made this one stand out the most. Also, the real hero of the night was Brie's fourth toe, hanging onto that shoe for its life.

As a reminder, I've been onboard with Brie since watching "Room" before going on a date (this was not a good idea, it does not put you into any sort of date mood). Brie Larson, here with the fashion and ruining first dates since 2018, I have to stan.

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I know this look is pretty demure and you're like who is the designer? Through some deep research, I found out it's Chanel, complemented by some hawk ass talons. And while you may think those nails look difficult and hard to manage, you're forgetting that Billie Eilish was able to use them at the after party to dagger sliders and chicken fingers (they def serve chicken fingers at the Oscars after parties).

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Our pale queen Saoirse reminded us that it's bangs season, once again stirring up my internal debate about getting them (note: please do not let me get them). I actually don't mind this dress either, even though it looks like it's made of Ursula (might as well make that rude ass hoe into a dress). And I will always support glittery, pastel-colored eye makeup from the early 2000s.

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And I can't talk about Saoirse without talking about her Greta Gerwig-assigned soulmate — Timothee Chalamet. To everyone judging T. Chally on his valet looking uniform, you're forgetting his hot ass face can wear anything and make it fashun. This is actually Prada, proving that rich people will pay a shit ton of money for regular looking clothes if you throw the label PRADA on them. Also of note is his brooch, which is straight outta Cartier's Dracula collection (I assume). Timmy in this getup reminds me of the man from the Maytag commercials who I think is sort of attractive (let's not discuss it), so this is a win-win in my books.

"It's time to come alive because the Oscars is so white!"

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Janelle Monae, who can sing and dance and act and I think last week she transplanted a kidney, opened the show with a tribute to the year's films. Background dancers were dressed as characters from some of the year's snubbed movies including "Us" and "Queen & Slim," something that I am positive the producers patted themselves on the backs for.

When you gotta show off that straight perm

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Brad finally won his first acting Oscar (he won his first as a producer on Best Picture-winner "12 Years a Slave") and per how well he flat ironed his hair, he did not come to play. He thanked Leo for letting him "ride on his coattails," which presents an opportunity for me to say I'd like to ride something on Leo, but I will not cease that disgusting joke opportunity because I am mature.

During his post-win interview, he again made a joke about Tinder and at this point, because I am mainly concerned with the facts, I need to say that there is no way Brad is wading around the cesspool of Tinder. He is def on Raya, the dating app celebs use and which I am banned from for the next 5-7 years. Only here with the facts!

LAURA DERN LAURA DERN LAURA DERN

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After running through awards season scooping up all the awards, my #2 favorite white lady wrapped up the season with her first Oscar for best supporting actress (because her performance supported the entire Marriage Story film). She ended her speech by thanking her heroes — her mom and dad — and yes I got teary eyed because her mom was crying so much!

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Moms are the best! And because it's important to point out, Mahershala Ali (who I was previously engaged to, unbeknownst to him) presented Laura with the award. I was reminded how his voice makes me feel like I'm drowning in a pool of smooth peanut butter, which is precisely the way I intend to go out (spoiler alert).

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While we're on the topic of Laura Dern, let's all revisit this moment from the Spirit Awards (for those of you who missed it):

Lastly, I challenge you to show me a film where Laura Dern IS NOT remarkable and I'll show you my hand slapping your forehead while screaming "SHE CAN DO IT ALLLLL."

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A KOREAN PARTY, AYYYYE

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Here's the thing: the Oscars LIVE to disappoint me (yes specifically me), so I was mentally prepared for "1917" to come through and buzzkill the show. But, in events more shocking than finding out the serving size for Pop-Tarts IS ONE POP-TART (I'm still reeling), the Academy actually gave Parasite the respect it deserves (somewhat). It took home Best Original Screenplay, Best Director and Best International Film before nabbing the biggest cookie of the night — Best Picture. It's the first non-English film to win Best Picture and the first film from South Korea to be nominated for (and win) International Film.

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I say "somewhat," because they excluded any acting nominations for the cast, which is obscene. It'd be like awarding a turkey sandwich "best overall sandwich" but not nominating turkey for "best sandwich meat" (that comparison was necessary for your understanding so you're welcome).

But overall, while the Academy loves to hype up terrible movies (*cough* Green Book), this year they awarded the actual best picture of the year. Parasite is such a uniquely amazing film that can't really be classified into one genre (it's a funny, dramatic thriller) and sorry, but we'll get another war movie like "1917" probably this summer. We won't get another Parasite (at least that's not poorly done on Lifetime).

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I love that Bong Joon Ho took home all of these awards after calling the Oscars a "local" awards show. He used his two speeches before the Best Picture win to emphasize how ready he was to drink because the only thing Koreans love more than winning, is drinking to celebrate winning (yes I speak on behalf of all Koreans).

Wrapping this up with one last shoutout to the realest bitch of them all, Jessica only child Illinois Chicago:

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Spill the entire pitcher of tea, Sharon

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Final note on Parasite — Sharon Choi, who has been Bong Joon Ho's interpreter during this U.S. tour, is also a director-in-the-making. She told interviewers she plans to make a movie about......awards season. I cannot wait to see the shade she artistically throws.

What the hell is this

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I guess with Parasite winning so much, the Oscars producers realized they just were not reaching their white guy max limit and put in an emergency call to the year 2002. Eminem showed up and performed "Lose Yourself" following a montage highlighting music we associate with films, and like Idina Menzel, I found this unbelievably confusing:

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Like, there were so many other options? Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, would've been better. If we just played a recording of Gaga and Bradley Cooper's flirty-almost-makout performance from last year, it would've made more sense.

Though in full transparency, I've never been an Eminem fan because if I wanted to hear a white man yell at me, I'd go cut in line at a Whole Foods.

I think he's talking about milk?

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In a surprise to no one, Joaquin Phoenix took home the best actor trophy and after giving a pretty meaningful speech at the BAFTAs, I thought he'd give a similar one at this show. And....it sort of began like his BAFTAs speech — calling out sexism and racism in the industry — but it QUICKLY detoured into talking about cows and artificial insemination. I'm still having a bit of trouble connecting four about these topics, but I guess in general it's notable because I've never heard (and wish to never hear again) the words "artificial insemination" at an awards show.

Who should host next year

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Had the Oscars just been 2 1/2 hours of Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig doing bits + Parasite winning awards for the last 30 minutes, it would've been perfectly fine.

The last time this awards show season I can say I've got something Adam can drive

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Oh my god you guys, get your mind out of the gutter, I'm referring to my car. He can drive MY CAR straight to city hall for our marriage license which will inevitably be rejected because he's already "married" (technically). And look, I don't know if it's the angle of the camera or what, but his hands look HUGE in this gif. And you know what they say about big hands.........they can hold A LOT of peanut M&Ms and I love nuts (PEANUTS YOU SICKOS).

And that's it! While the wins for Parasite were historic, the Oscars remain pretty terrible in most other aspects, including the lack of female director nominees. In a year where Lulu Wang gave us "The Farewell" and Greta Gerwig gave us "Little Women" and Lorene Scafaria gave us "Hustlers" and Marielle Heller gave us "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" (among the MANY other films), it was disappointing to see such a lack of recognition. And I might be too realistically pessimistic, but this year was probably a blip and my guess is the Academy will return to rewarding stupid movies again next year.

Speaking of stupid, see you all tomorrow as we continue our downward spiral on The Bachelor! Til then, find me trying to catfish Brad Pitt on Tinder by using Gemma Chan as my profile pic and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2020 SAG Awards?

I will repeat this every year — I love the SAG Awards. There isn't a televised red carpet, which means we are spared 3 hours of the potatoes Seacrest and Rancic trying to blend in with the beautiful gourmet fruit basket of celebs. And like public transit in Japan, the SAG Awards are UNBELIEVABLY on time. I feel confident asserting they are the only show that actually knows how to read a clock and like, runs according to this weird new thing called....a schedule.

Awards are only given for acting meaning this is just celebs getting in a circle and patting each other on the back for two hours (notice I avoided calling this a "circle jerk" because I am above that simple, immature humor).

Let's get to the best on-time show of the season!

Best dressed

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Despite the fact that awards season is being a petty little bitch to J.Lo by not giving her the recognition she deserves for Hustlers, she's still out here looking better than everyone else. Loving the middle part long bangs circa-2002 she's got going on complemented by some standard accessories — $9 million in Harry Winston diamonds. NINE MILLION. NOT ONE OR TWO. NINE. Honestly it's sort of lazy for her to copout at 9 and not hit 10. I also really like the varying textures of her gown and the giant bow because I love comically large (or small) versions of things.

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Charlize said it's crop top season year round y'all! Here's the thing about Charlize Theron that I bravely want to be the first to declare — she has a really really really really good face. Those cheekbones! Who needs contouring when you've got cheekbones that could carve an ice sculpture. She could honestly wear CVS receipts and guacamole and still look amazing. In a sort of "stars are like us!' moment, she mentioned she didn't have time to get her roots touched up, but then emphasized she is not one of us by sharing she just had her stylist CASUALLY DRAPE A TIFFANY'S BRACELET DOWN HER PART. If you haven't done that to hide your roots, you're poor (me, I haven't done that I am poor).

These weirdos are cute

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If you hate salt, have no taste and haven't seen Stranger Things, this is Natalia Dyer and Charlie Heaton. I wanna say they've been dating for a couple years now and they're sort of oddly adorable? They look like one of those wildly intense couples, like they read thick ass novels to each other while maintaining extended periods of eye contact and have agreed to only laugh twice per year. And they buy vintage Levi's (they wear the same size, so it's easy to share) and hope to one day have an oat milk farm where they live out their days milking the oats. Anyway, I haven't thought about this much and I know they both look like they're allergic to the sun, but they're cute and they're always pretty fashionable together.

Mmm so jealous this looks delish

Following the Golden Globes' and Critics Choice Awards' plant-based dinners, the SAG Awards were like "We can do that too!" and served this super decadent meal. I guess in some way it's hilarious that this room is full of A-listers and they're being served beans and big ass carrots on top of some leaves. This looks like a "meal" college me would've "cooked" from random things in the fridge. But why did they mess around with giving them so many utensils though, like you need four forks to eat a carrot.

DERNIN' AND BURNIN' THROUGH AWARDS SHOW SEASON

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My #2 favorite white lady Laura Dern picked up another award to throw in the trunk on her way to the Oscars and looked great doing it. Even chose a gown to match the trophy! That Laura Dern, always one step ahead. She thanked her dad, Bruce Dern, who was also there because he has a small (and sort of weird but funny) role in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

I want to be very clear — I will not watch Marriage Story. Three people have told me it's boring as hell and that's three more than I would require to convince me not to watch. Moreover, I cannot stand ScarJo. But! I have watched Laura Dern's clips because I know (without watching in full) that she is the best part of this movie. Exhibit A:

HOW DOES SHE KEEP HER HAIR SO VOLUMINOUS? And okay some people are saying we're in this sort of "Dern'aissance" so she gets nominated for breathing, but that's only because her breathing is the best and also CAN I SEE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT, THANKS.

She's def winning the Oscar this year and whether she knows it or not, the prize that accompanies every Oscar featuring the nameplate "Laura Dern" also gets me living with them for a year! Yay!

It makes no sense why he won't date me

When Adam Driver was walking the red carpet, he stopped to talk and take photos with some Army guys in uniform and it's like, had I known that was a possibility I probably would've stayed in the Army a while longer. The recruiters should really tell you about your chances with Adam Driver when you sign your contract.

A little known fact, the movie "Baby Driver" is actually based on what I plan to yell at him if I get within yelling distance. They just forgot the comma a couple words, because it's more like "...give me a BABY, DRIVER!" I'll see myself out.

Clapping men in glasses I enjoy

Omg Mahershala with the wedding ring shot, I GET IT YOU'RE MARRIED AND I GUESS OVER ME. While I have a storied past with Mahershala, Pedro Pascal is actually new to my imaginary love life. You may remember him as the guy who got his head squeezed like a lemon in Game of Thrones or more recently, for his silky smooth voice in the baby Yoda-centered show The Mandalorian. Wherever you know him from, he's hot. And they both obviously read books because that is a requirement for people who wear glasses anytime ever.

I will never let go of a possible Brad & Jen reprise
So this is the last major awards show where Brad and Jen (isn't it nice how we all know we're talking about them even though they have super common first names) will cross paths, so the SAG Awards did what they had to do.

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First, Brad won the supporting actor award (he'll likely win the Oscar too) for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and delivered a pretty funny speech at one point noting how much of a "stretch" it was for him to play a guy who "gets high, takes off his shirt and can't get along with his wife." It reminded me that Brad can still get it. And by "it" I mean my social security number because I'll be needing a new one after we get married omg what "it" did you think I was referring to.

Next on this stroll down the year 2000, Jen won the award for female actor in a drama series.

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This was the precise moment I knew the SAG Awards were plotting the Brad-Jen reunion because there is exactly zero universes where Jennifer Aniston beats Olivia Colman and Jodie Comer for a dramatic acting award. And my point was proven through the next series of events.

Here's Brad backstage after winning, stopping to watch Jen's acceptance speech:

And then, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the pecan pie at the end of Thanksgiving — they met backstage and hugged and every single camera in the state of California exploded. I quite enjoyed the longing nature of this shot:

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It's like we've had this underlying cystic zit for 15 years and it funny came to a head. And, let's not be ridiculous, do I think this little hug signals more than just two longtime friends celebrating each others' performances? YES I'VE GRABBED EVERY EGG AND PUT IT IN THIS BASKET, CAN'T WAIT FOR THE (SECOND) WEDDING IN MALIBU THAT'S DEF WHAT THIS HUG MEANS.

When someone calls your best friend their best friend

That'll teach Nicole to send Margot a friendship bracelet.

THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS MARGARET

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We'll never know if Helena Bonham-Carter said that during her speech accepting The Crown's drama ensemble award or if I just screamed it so loud no one could hear what she actually said. WE'LL JUST NEVER KNOW. Her portrayal of Princess Margaret (who never found happiness, I cry) in the latest season is so heartbreakingly good. The entire cast is pretty stellar, including the actor they got to play a young Prince Charles who is infinitely hotter than the real Charles was.

As a side note, it cracks me up that the Game of Thrones cast knew they wouldn't win this so most of them didn't show up.

Umm excuse me, where is Busy Philipps

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Michelle Williams continued her winning streak for best actress in a limited series or TV movie and sure the win was great, but more importantly, WHERE WAS BUSY PHILIPPS?

In a post-win interview, Michelle said she didn't think she'd make it to the show this year, so Busy made other plans to be at a comedy festival in SF. But then, she obviously made it, and noted this is her first awards show without Busy in 15 years. 15 YEARS!! Luckily, Busy caught an earlier flight back and was planning to meet Michelle for post-show pizza celebrations. You didn't ask for those details, but that is the level of deep dive reporting I provide here (also she was saying "I love you and I'm coming home" to her daughter Matilda, not to Busy, though it really does apply to both).

That time of the year when we remember who Leslie Bibb is

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She's married to Sam Rockwell, so we see a lot of her during the season because he somehow keeps getting nominated for things despite looking like this most of the time both onscreen and off:

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He won male actor in a limited series or TV movie which was shocking, but what's truly baffling is how he has no lips whatsoever. None. A medical marvel.

Speaking of men who I'm surprised win awards....

Jamie Foxx's daughter, Corinne, speaking for all of us

Joaquin Phoenix and his smug ass took home the award (emphasis on took) for lead actor and while it was sort of nice how he used his speech to talk about his admiration for the other nominees, I still just do not get it.

Let's wrap this up with the cast and film that deserves all of the trophies this season....

PARASITE!!!

When the cast of Parasite came onstage to intro their film as a nominee for best film ensemble (the top prize), the ENTIRE room stood up. It was the second biggest standing ovation of the night only to be outdone by the standing ovation given for them actually winning it. The first foreign film to win it! Their reaction was so genuinely sweet:

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While they accepted the award, Bong Joon Ho watched and took videos like the proudest dad:

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He has been one of the best parts of awards season this year, if not just for calling the Oscars a "local" film festival (lolololol). And while this win gives me more hope about their chances for
Best Picture at the Oscars, 1917 will still probably win because the Oscars love to end a show by disappointing me. But also, if Parasite does win, South Korea is OBLIGATED to let me join any K-Pop group of my choosing. I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

And that's it! The SAG Awards ended PROMPTLY at 10:15 as scheduled which delights me more than it should.

On a completely different note (and quality level), see you all tomorrow for week 3 of The Bachelor! Til then, find me buying all the "Leaves" candles from Bath & Body Works (sometimes I must appease my inner-white woman) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2020 Golden Globes?

Welcome to awards show season! We're kicking things off with the Golden Globes, which spoiler alert, for the 77th consecutive year I was not invited to nor did I win any of the categories I was not nominated in. Truly appalling.

Despite that, it's a new year and I'm feeling kinder and jk we must still begin every post by criticizing Rancic and Seacrest. I REFUSE TO CHANGE.

I need to know how many Barbies made the ultimate sacrifice to create this wig. I also need to know how many bags of Cheetos it took to fill the tub she must have soaked in to become this color. Doesn't she have any friends who are like, "Hey G, let's put the orange markers down and let's take that wig back to the set of Toddlers & Tiaras and just get you something natural"? Baffling.

Not to be outdone at this Mensa meeting, Seacrest reminded us he's still a genius interviewer by asking Gwenny Paltrow what she has in her pantry (RIVETING). I can't remember exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like organic moon dust, whittle shavings, grass fed cashew shells from Mars and rare bananas grown in 1898 kept fresh in a cryogenic chamber. Honestly, those are pretty reasonable considering she hasn't been a permanent resident of planet Earth since 1998.

Onto fashion because as someone who wore popped collars for a period in high school, I obviously have highly technical notes about the evening:

Best Christmas Tree

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Only Jodie Comer can wear a dress that has the silhouette of a Lindt truffle wrapper and make it look great. She is literally......a snack (yes I hate me too). This dress, which seems to just be one giant silk sheet, looks comfortable as hell. So you know who was comfortably able to drink 15 mini bottles of Moet & Chandon without showing a sign of bloat? This girl. AND POCKETS!! Pockets alone make a dress worthy of all best dressed lists.

Best Laura Dern Looking Laura Dern

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For all you historians out there (they're big fans of the blog), bohemian dresses were invented by Laura Dern in the year of our Dern 2010. This would look tacky and frumpy on almost anyone else because no one has the white lady swag of Laura Dern. It is why she is my #2 favorite white lady (#1 is my mom, FYI).

Best Awards Show Debut Look

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Ana de Armas' knives are OUT (yes I know that's the cliched response to her, WHATEVS). Yes, pockets! Yes, sequins! Yes middle part! What ultimately complements this look IS THAT BROW RAISE. GIRL. Someone clearly watched a pre-Globes marathon of "America's Next Top Model" because her smizing is off the charts. This was her first awards show (and first nomination) so can't wait to see what those brows bring to the SAG Awards and Oscars.

Also I'm sure I'll revisit this, but she sort of looks like a cross between Jenna Dewan and Megan Fox?

Best Saoirse Like Inertia

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I can't not say her name without remembering how she gets people to remember the pronunciation. Y'all might be thinking this dress is boring and honestly if Julianne Moore or Reese Witherspoon (or Without-her-spoon) wore it, it would be. But Saorise ain't usually out here wearing disco ball looking gowns served with a side boob and front slit, so this is a surprising and welcomed change for her.

She was nominated for "Little Women" and I cannot scream enough both online and in Target that I would watch movies directed by Greta Gerwig starring Saoirse and Timothee Chalamet FOREVER.

Best Visual Representation of What Your Stomach Feels Like After Eating Taco Bell's Entire Value Menu

Joey King was nominated for "The Act," which I did not watch because I still have not forgiven her for the hate crime that was "The Kissing Booth." The terribleness of it still gives me shivers.

To the show!

Mi'Busy 2020 is in full swing

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As is the norm when Michelle Williams acts in anything, she was nominated for an award. This year, for actress in a mini-series or TV movie for "Fosse/Verdon," which she obviously won. And here's Busy's reaction during Michelle's speech:

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Their friendship continues to be the best thing to come out of Dawson's Creek next to that hilarious time Katie Holmes sang "On My Own."

Because she wins 98% of the time she's nominated, Michelle always comes prepared with a meaningful speech that no stage manager would cue walk-off music for:

And because I am also prepared, here are the few audience shots I got of them:

Michelle's fiance Thomas Kail was also there, but the camera operators gave the people what they wanted.

Find someone who looks at you like Reese looks at Leo

This was during Brad's acceptance speech for supporting actor (we're all on a first name basis) and I don't blame Reese. Also does the shadow of her chair make her arm look really cut? Been working them delts. Anyway, Leo looking like a McDonald's hamburger — just not aging and juicy with no expiration date. I don't know if it's because of all the 20-year-old models he dates, but his skin is unbelievable. I'd like to applaud 10-year-old me because I clearly knew Leo was a long-term hottie and recognized it by hanging several foldout posters of him from BOP and BB. Chef's kiss.

I'm not crying you're crying

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I think we can all agree that in this bowl of soggy cereal that is Hollywood, Tom Hanks is the one crunchy and sweet piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (that complex metaphor means he stands out because he's genuine, wow keep up). His film career, much like both of Danity Kane's albums, is fully comprised of hits. So it makes sense that he finally won the Cecil B. DeMille Award. His four kids and Rita Wilson were at the show and he choked up thanking them and it was so freaking cute and maybe MAYBE I ALMOST cried. However, physically, I can only cry once per year and I'm saving that one time this year for when Rihanna releases a new album (sorry Tom).

Now, I know we all have our own opinions about which Tom Hanks movie is best but the thing is, if you're saying anything BESIDES "You've Got Mail" you are objectively wrong. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

And this seems like an approp time to share that I dated his son Colin in 2015. That's right. He was waiting in the lobby of my office building and I stood 5 ft away from him and we made eye contact for a solid 3 SECONDS. It was the most magical time of my life because when you know, you know.

Rounding this out by noting his other son Chet used to be a "rapper" who went by the name Chet Haze. I'll let you do your own Googling on that.

How mad is ScarJo that she isn't the first Asian to win this award

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Awkwafina won actress in a musical or comedy for "The Farewell," making her the first woman of Asian descent to win a lead actress Golden Globe for a film. Even though it's her debut into dramatic acting, Awkwafina is so so so good in this movie (that's based on experiences from director/writer Lulu Wang's life).

Speaking of Lulu Wang (who is a genius), I just need to note that she's in a relationship with Barry Jenkins (who is also a genius):

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Meaning they are just this gorgeous, amazingly creative and talented couple out here making movies like no one else. And just as he was snubbed for the directing award last year for "If Beale Street Could Talk," she was also snubbed this year. THE GLOBES LIVE TO DISAPPOINT!

In which I am also snubbed
Bong Joon-ho won the award for Foreign Film for "Parasite" and even though his English is pretty good, he brought a translator onstage who I was shocked to learn was not me?? So I'm sitting here all Korean looking like a chump??

It's almost as if no one thinks I am a legitimate Korean speaker even though I've watched more than 7 K-dramas AND know all of Blackpink's discography. Wow. The disrespect really jumps out.

Anyway, I know the name "Parasite" makes you think it's a weird horror film, but it's really not. It's more of a thriller with a side of comedy and has such an interesting and surprising storyline. It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes and now it's the first Korean film to be nominated for (and win!) a Golden Globe. Hoping it gets those Oscar noms!

ADAM DRIVER IS MARRIED??!

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I AM SHOCKED AND UPSET AND SHOCKINGLY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEWS. I immediately looked it up and his wife's name is Joanne and they got married in 2013 AND THEY HAVE A BABY???? Do you think this means their relationship is serious????

Regardless, like best friend Dr. Chloe says, "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score." Hahahaha she doesn't really say that (except when she does). The main takeaway here is while it's a bit unclear, I'm starting to think he might not want to date me. So I'm not going to end this section by saying something vulgar and suggestive like I've got something Adam can Drive. I'm not.

Speaking of my personal life...

I'm no longer dating Rami Malek
It's not because of anything he did (or because he has a girlfriend), it's just that I only have room in my life for one little pocket prince and that is now Timothee Chala-mother-may-I. Rami was upset that I sent him a DM with the news. Here he is about to run away like the Road Runner while eating that same piece of hard candy he's been eating since last awards season:

Cousin Greg is tall as hell

I mean, I knew this from watching "Succession," but seeing him onstage with his tiny cast members magnified his stilt-like nature. I looked it up and he's 6'5", but I swear he looks like he's 8'4" MINIMUM. I love how little 5'6" Kieran Culkin stood far from him because y'all, the first time I saw them next to each other onscreen was like seeing a pen next to a football goal post.

I'm gonna need everyone to watch both seasons of this show partially because it's wildly dramatic and entertaining and mostly because, can someone let me know if I think Jeremy Strong is attractive?

His bearded, manicured mountain man (what up consonance) look is playing with my emotions.

CHRIS EVANS

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That's it. That's the only note I took, just his name in all caps. His scruffy beard looks like a Brillo pad and AGAIN I am not going to be Josie Grossy and say something like if he's a Brillo pad, I am a dirty pan with baked on grease. I am not because I am mature.

Is this what all stepdads look like?

To recap: Zoe Kravitz's dad is Lenny, her mom is Lisa Bonet and her stepdad is Jason Mamoa. Which means their family photos just spontaneously combust from pure hotness, every year. It's why no one has received a Christmas card ever. And AGAIN, I am not going to sully this blog by saying something like I've got some Aqua he can Man. I don't say that stuff anymore!

When you grace a rinky dink awards show with your presence and still don't win

Beyonce and Jay-Z showed up during Phoebe Waller-Bridge's acceptance speech and surprisingly, stayed through the rest of the show. Even after Beyonce lost original song to Elton John. But I'm pretty sure, of all the A-listers in the room, Beyonce is the one celeb every other celeb wants to talk to so where's the trophy for that.

She also remained seated while everyone else gave Joaquin Phoenix a standing ovation when he won, because Bey knows he is not talented enough to be as weird as he is. Just the facts.

And that's it! The show only ran a little long (much like this post, holy crap). And honestly, the secretive process through which winners are decided is kind of bogus EXCEPT for when the actors and shows and movies that I want to win, win. In that case, they are correct and unbiased and make sense.

Glad to be back in the best season of the year with you all! A time that'll be rudely interrupted by The Bachelor — see you tomorrow for that!

Til then, find me still in a state of shock to learn that mayonnaise is really good? Did everyone already know this? And also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).