What did we learn from the 2020 SAG Awards?

I will repeat this every year — I love the SAG Awards. There isn't a televised red carpet, which means we are spared 3 hours of the potatoes Seacrest and Rancic trying to blend in with the beautiful gourmet fruit basket of celebs. And like public transit in Japan, the SAG Awards are UNBELIEVABLY on time. I feel confident asserting they are the only show that actually knows how to read a clock and like, runs according to this weird new thing called....a schedule.

Awards are only given for acting meaning this is just celebs getting in a circle and patting each other on the back for two hours (notice I avoided calling this a "circle jerk" because I am above that simple, immature humor).

Let's get to the best on-time show of the season!

Best dressed

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Despite the fact that awards season is being a petty little bitch to J.Lo by not giving her the recognition she deserves for Hustlers, she's still out here looking better than everyone else. Loving the middle part long bangs circa-2002 she's got going on complemented by some standard accessories — $9 million in Harry Winston diamonds. NINE MILLION. NOT ONE OR TWO. NINE. Honestly it's sort of lazy for her to copout at 9 and not hit 10. I also really like the varying textures of her gown and the giant bow because I love comically large (or small) versions of things.

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Charlize said it's crop top season year round y'all! Here's the thing about Charlize Theron that I bravely want to be the first to declare — she has a really really really really good face. Those cheekbones! Who needs contouring when you've got cheekbones that could carve an ice sculpture. She could honestly wear CVS receipts and guacamole and still look amazing. In a sort of "stars are like us!' moment, she mentioned she didn't have time to get her roots touched up, but then emphasized she is not one of us by sharing she just had her stylist CASUALLY DRAPE A TIFFANY'S BRACELET DOWN HER PART. If you haven't done that to hide your roots, you're poor (me, I haven't done that I am poor).

These weirdos are cute

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If you hate salt, have no taste and haven't seen Stranger Things, this is Natalia Dyer and Charlie Heaton. I wanna say they've been dating for a couple years now and they're sort of oddly adorable? They look like one of those wildly intense couples, like they read thick ass novels to each other while maintaining extended periods of eye contact and have agreed to only laugh twice per year. And they buy vintage Levi's (they wear the same size, so it's easy to share) and hope to one day have an oat milk farm where they live out their days milking the oats. Anyway, I haven't thought about this much and I know they both look like they're allergic to the sun, but they're cute and they're always pretty fashionable together.

Mmm so jealous this looks delish

Following the Golden Globes' and Critics Choice Awards' plant-based dinners, the SAG Awards were like "We can do that too!" and served this super decadent meal. I guess in some way it's hilarious that this room is full of A-listers and they're being served beans and big ass carrots on top of some leaves. This looks like a "meal" college me would've "cooked" from random things in the fridge. But why did they mess around with giving them so many utensils though, like you need four forks to eat a carrot.

DERNIN' AND BURNIN' THROUGH AWARDS SHOW SEASON

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My #2 favorite white lady Laura Dern picked up another award to throw in the trunk on her way to the Oscars and looked great doing it. Even chose a gown to match the trophy! That Laura Dern, always one step ahead. She thanked her dad, Bruce Dern, who was also there because he has a small (and sort of weird but funny) role in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

I want to be very clear — I will not watch Marriage Story. Three people have told me it's boring as hell and that's three more than I would require to convince me not to watch. Moreover, I cannot stand ScarJo. But! I have watched Laura Dern's clips because I know (without watching in full) that she is the best part of this movie. Exhibit A:

HOW DOES SHE KEEP HER HAIR SO VOLUMINOUS? And okay some people are saying we're in this sort of "Dern'aissance" so she gets nominated for breathing, but that's only because her breathing is the best and also CAN I SEE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT, THANKS.

She's def winning the Oscar this year and whether she knows it or not, the prize that accompanies every Oscar featuring the nameplate "Laura Dern" also gets me living with them for a year! Yay!

It makes no sense why he won't date me

When Adam Driver was walking the red carpet, he stopped to talk and take photos with some Army guys in uniform and it's like, had I known that was a possibility I probably would've stayed in the Army a while longer. The recruiters should really tell you about your chances with Adam Driver when you sign your contract.

A little known fact, the movie "Baby Driver" is actually based on what I plan to yell at him if I get within yelling distance. They just forgot the comma a couple words, because it's more like "...give me a BABY, DRIVER!" I'll see myself out.

Clapping men in glasses I enjoy

Omg Mahershala with the wedding ring shot, I GET IT YOU'RE MARRIED AND I GUESS OVER ME. While I have a storied past with Mahershala, Pedro Pascal is actually new to my imaginary love life. You may remember him as the guy who got his head squeezed like a lemon in Game of Thrones or more recently, for his silky smooth voice in the baby Yoda-centered show The Mandalorian. Wherever you know him from, he's hot. And they both obviously read books because that is a requirement for people who wear glasses anytime ever.

I will never let go of a possible Brad & Jen reprise
So this is the last major awards show where Brad and Jen (isn't it nice how we all know we're talking about them even though they have super common first names) will cross paths, so the SAG Awards did what they had to do.

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First, Brad won the supporting actor award (he'll likely win the Oscar too) for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and delivered a pretty funny speech at one point noting how much of a "stretch" it was for him to play a guy who "gets high, takes off his shirt and can't get along with his wife." It reminded me that Brad can still get it. And by "it" I mean my social security number because I'll be needing a new one after we get married omg what "it" did you think I was referring to.

Next on this stroll down the year 2000, Jen won the award for female actor in a drama series.

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This was the precise moment I knew the SAG Awards were plotting the Brad-Jen reunion because there is exactly zero universes where Jennifer Aniston beats Olivia Colman and Jodie Comer for a dramatic acting award. And my point was proven through the next series of events.

Here's Brad backstage after winning, stopping to watch Jen's acceptance speech:

And then, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the pecan pie at the end of Thanksgiving — they met backstage and hugged and every single camera in the state of California exploded. I quite enjoyed the longing nature of this shot:

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It's like we've had this underlying cystic zit for 15 years and it funny came to a head. And, let's not be ridiculous, do I think this little hug signals more than just two longtime friends celebrating each others' performances? YES I'VE GRABBED EVERY EGG AND PUT IT IN THIS BASKET, CAN'T WAIT FOR THE (SECOND) WEDDING IN MALIBU THAT'S DEF WHAT THIS HUG MEANS.

When someone calls your best friend their best friend

That'll teach Nicole to send Margot a friendship bracelet.

THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS MARGARET

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We'll never know if Helena Bonham-Carter said that during her speech accepting The Crown's drama ensemble award or if I just screamed it so loud no one could hear what she actually said. WE'LL JUST NEVER KNOW. Her portrayal of Princess Margaret (who never found happiness, I cry) in the latest season is so heartbreakingly good. The entire cast is pretty stellar, including the actor they got to play a young Prince Charles who is infinitely hotter than the real Charles was.

As a side note, it cracks me up that the Game of Thrones cast knew they wouldn't win this so most of them didn't show up.

Umm excuse me, where is Busy Philipps

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Michelle Williams continued her winning streak for best actress in a limited series or TV movie and sure the win was great, but more importantly, WHERE WAS BUSY PHILIPPS?

In a post-win interview, Michelle said she didn't think she'd make it to the show this year, so Busy made other plans to be at a comedy festival in SF. But then, she obviously made it, and noted this is her first awards show without Busy in 15 years. 15 YEARS!! Luckily, Busy caught an earlier flight back and was planning to meet Michelle for post-show pizza celebrations. You didn't ask for those details, but that is the level of deep dive reporting I provide here (also she was saying "I love you and I'm coming home" to her daughter Matilda, not to Busy, though it really does apply to both).

That time of the year when we remember who Leslie Bibb is

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She's married to Sam Rockwell, so we see a lot of her during the season because he somehow keeps getting nominated for things despite looking like this most of the time both onscreen and off:

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He won male actor in a limited series or TV movie which was shocking, but what's truly baffling is how he has no lips whatsoever. None. A medical marvel.

Speaking of men who I'm surprised win awards....

Jamie Foxx's daughter, Corinne, speaking for all of us

Joaquin Phoenix and his smug ass took home the award (emphasis on took) for lead actor and while it was sort of nice how he used his speech to talk about his admiration for the other nominees, I still just do not get it.

Let's wrap this up with the cast and film that deserves all of the trophies this season....

PARASITE!!!

When the cast of Parasite came onstage to intro their film as a nominee for best film ensemble (the top prize), the ENTIRE room stood up. It was the second biggest standing ovation of the night only to be outdone by the standing ovation given for them actually winning it. The first foreign film to win it! Their reaction was so genuinely sweet:

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While they accepted the award, Bong Joon Ho watched and took videos like the proudest dad:

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He has been one of the best parts of awards season this year, if not just for calling the Oscars a "local" film festival (lolololol). And while this win gives me more hope about their chances for
Best Picture at the Oscars, 1917 will still probably win because the Oscars love to end a show by disappointing me. But also, if Parasite does win, South Korea is OBLIGATED to let me join any K-Pop group of my choosing. I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

And that's it! The SAG Awards ended PROMPTLY at 10:15 as scheduled which delights me more than it should.

On a completely different note (and quality level), see you all tomorrow for week 3 of The Bachelor! Til then, find me buying all the "Leaves" candles from Bath & Body Works (sometimes I must appease my inner-white woman) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 SAG Awards?

If every other awards show is a crock pot meal that takes HOURS to finish, the SAG Awards are Chipotle. In and out (both the restaurant and your body) in a short period of time and extremely satisfying. There is no real red carpet show (sorry "People TV" hosting a pre-show on Twitter) and they are REALLY on time. I love a good case of efficiency.

So let's jump in!

Standard yelling about Gemma Chan

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Ummm who gave Gemma Chan the right to make everyone else at this show look like a bridge troll? Can you guys believe she invented pink dresses? I'm screaming. I have never wanted to buy a dress that seems to be made of parrot or flamingo or flamingo parrot more in my life. But wait! It gets better:

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THIS B JUST STYLED HER HAIR IN A LOW, MESSY PONYTAIL. How does she even do it. Anytime I wear a low ponytail I look like a colonial man. Okay and I cannot even get into a scream thesis about her brows because this post will go on forever. The overall point here (and in all of my awards show posts this season) is Gemma Chan is flawless and we are all just raccoons digging in the garbage in comparison.

And I will never forgive the SAG Awards for seating her at the backend of the "Crazy Rich Asians" table.

Like, who is that woman at the front? And why is Eddie Huang also near the front? And why is Henry Golding wearing that fugly bronze-colored jacket? Everything is terrible. And GChan is so far back that she had to raise her arms when I yelled from my living room "WHERE IS GEMMA CHAN?"

BUT WAIT IT GETS WORSE.

The SAG Awards introduced this group as "the cast of Crazy Rich Asians" and yet, NO GEMMA CHAN IS ANYWHERE ON THAT STAGE. And maybe you're thinking "Well stop screaming Kristi, it's just the film's leads who are up there" BUT WRONG AGAIN, YOU WRONGASAURUS REX. Ken Jeong is by no means one of the "stars" of the movie.

Okay we have to move on, why do you all insist I yell about this topic so much.

When your parents make you come to an awards show

Lil' Timothee Chalamet in the background actually reading the program they hand out while his parents, John Krasinski and Emily Blunt, remind us that we are obsessed with them. Do you think their house is just a bunch of mirrors? Because I know if I were them, I would just want to see us all the time. There's a saying that "God doesn't give with both hands" but in their case, he gave with both hands and feet and threw in all of the good stuff brewing in the back.

Emily won female actor in a supporting role for "The Quiet Place" and when she thanked John, HE STARTED CRYING:

And I did too, both for the emotion and also for that piece of fish in the background that he seems to have not finished. I can literally taste the lemon pepper just looking at it.

"I need all of you in this room for inspiration"

I assume by "this room" Mahershala means my apartment and by "all of you" he means me and all my chins eating this Chinese takeout in sweatpants. Mahershala accepted male actor in a supporting role for "Green Book" wearing this fine ass maroon suit and look, am I saying that we used to date? Yes. That is exactly what I'm saying and what my resume reflects so please tell everyone.

Twinsters

Darren Criss is just Jesse Bradford had his career materialized past "Bring It On." Darren won the award for male actor in a TV movie or miniseries for "Assassination of Gianni Versace" and I'm pretty sure Jesse Bradford won a Teen Choice Award at some point in his life so they're on pretty equal ground.

Rachel Brosnahan looking just like Kacey Musgraves, who history books have told us invented the middle part. Rachel and Mrs. Maisel swept the comedy awards and I'm not diving into my dissatisfaction with that again, but rather, I'd like to offer something positive:

UMMM RACHEL BROSNAHAN'S HUSBAND IS FINE AS HELL. With his little Clark Kent glasses. And that's it. That's my huge compliment for Mrs. Maisel.

Can you guys let me know

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This is Adam Driver's performance of me trying to decide if I like Adam Driver. I'm having such an internal struggle — is he good looking? Is there something goofy about him? Should I date him just to find out? STAY TUNED.

Obligatory "OMG IT'S ANDREA FROM 90210" moment

When I see her, I immediately hear that electric guitar of 90210's opening song. Who would have guessed Andrea Zuckerman would go from being editor of the school newspaper to being president of SAG-AFTRA? Some high schools' career prep classes are just way better than others I guess.

Here's the thing about Amy Adams

She's kind of like the baked chicken of awards show season. Always on the menu but never something you're like OMG THE BAKED CHICKEN IS AMAZING about because baked chicken in its essence can not be amazing. It is reliably good. And that's it. Anyway, baked chicken lost again this year, but we'll see her at the Oscars and probably every year she does a movie until they finally decide enough is enough and give her an award (à la Leo DiCaprio).

And here's the thing about Sandra Oh

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WE DON'T DESERVE HER. And she obviously won female actor in a drama series. And she is the only one who can pull off a bun and 80s wavy bangs.

Trust no bitch

I think I've made it very clear to you and my therapist that I have a hard time distinguishing TV from reality. So you can understand why I hate Joseph Fiennes, aka, THE MOFO COMMANDER FROM "A HANDMAID'S TALE." Doesn't it just look like he's making some sort of creepy "MMMM" noise? He looks like he whispers a lot. And has really soft hands, but in a creepy way. Let's just all just agree to stay away from him.

Oh, come on Mandy

So "This Is Us" won the award for ensemble in a drama series meaning Mandy Moore got a microphone and what did she do with that time, might you ask? Well, she did not do what we were all hoping she would — give us an acoustic performance of "Candy." Or honestly, we would've welcomed any of the emotional songs from "A Walk to Remember" or that one song from "Center Stage" OR WAIT. No, she should've revived this bop:

Y'ALL. I just watched this video in its entirety for the first time in at least 15 years and I'm dying. That hair. The outfits. Based on the supreme acting exhibited in this, we should've known she was bound for greatness.

Still eating that Lifesaver

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I have now accepted the fact that I would like for Rami Malek to stalk me. That is how every great love story begins. I bet I would wake up so many times to find him watching me sleep and he'd be like "I like watching you breathe" and I'd be like "Omg babe, so cute, love you too" and we'd live creepily ever after.

Also he won male actor in a leading role and I have a feeling he'll win the Oscar. My lil' creep boo!

Speaking of the men in my life

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Michael B. Jordan showed up in this floral Louis Vuitton harness over an impeccably fitted navy suit and what's important to note about this fashion situation is: This man could wear a tank top made of shredded carrots and I'd be like CARROTS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR EYES. Wait, wow that worked out well. It's like he pulled up to the show and someone at the entrance lied to him and said everyone was required to wear a harness to get in. But again, I don't hate it because clothes of every material were made to be worn by Michael B. Jordan. In fact, I myself am a T-shirt so does anyone know how I can get to his house.

And that's it! A solid 2-hour show. If you want a full list of the actual winners, you can find them here.

See y'all tomorrow for fodder on The Bachelor! Til then, find me taking all of the pretzel samples from Auntie Anne's and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

2018 SAG Awards in the bag

I say this every year, but I love the SAG Awards. They might be my favorite show of the year because fellow actors select the winners. I feel like generally, unless you're in prison, you can trust the judgment of your peers. Though to be fair, if you're in prison and your peers vote you as like "Coolest Prisoner," that'd be pretty sweet too. I bet Martha Stewart was definitely voted as such.

Best dressed:

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That's right, just one: Yara Shahidi. A lot of the ladies looked fantastic, but this was the only look that elicited my famous yet never requested YAAAA scream. A jumpsuit! A long, dramatic train! That hair and makeup! My only concern with this look was, how does she go to the bathroom? Is there some sort of hidden flap we can't see? I can't help but consider this because nothing makes me more anxious than feeling like my ability to go to the bathroom is compromised.

Okay ew you guys stop talking about bathroom habits. I want to add that Yara is 17, set to attend Harvard in the fall and received a letter of recommendation from Michelle Obama. I mean, sounds like me at 17 except minus the red carpets, Hollywood fame, Harvard-worthy smarts and add lots of listening to Ashlee Simpson while eating Popeye's every other day and scoring 17% on the AP Biology final. Me and Yara and just two peas in a pod.

How to properly do a red carpet:

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Eris Baker, who plays Tess on "This is Us," is proof that age does not determine red carpet ferocity. Make room on the dinner table, because Eris is here serving all kinds of face. That brow lift! Those angles! You have to understand how hard it is to pull off smizing as easily as she does. The last time I tried was over a decade ago for my senior photos leading the photographer to say "Umm, okay let's maybe not do that look" while my mom said "Why do you look so confused?" IT'S HARD, OKAY.

How to not do a red carpet:

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I want to first note that I like Alison Brie and think she's adorable. But this dress in combination with the weird crotch-out pose she's doing is so odd. She has fallen prey to the ol' my-dress-has-a-slit-and-even-though-its-obvious-I'm-going-to-overpose-to-show-it-off. Like, a slit is literally a spot in your dress where material is missing so your leg can't help but be wild and free. You don't have to constantly stretch your leg out while throwing your cat at everybody. It's like wearing contacts and glasses -- doing both is inefficient and visually confusing.

People actually eat the food!

This dude seemed to be really excited about it. Dinner choices were either salmon or chicken because red meat gives you gas and aint nobody trying to blow ass next to Mandy Moore. That bitch will call you out and embarrass you in front of the cast of "The Crown" and it is the main reason we aren't friends anymore. 

The show also served 480 regular-sized bottles of champagne and 160 magnum-sized bottles. For those of you who don't buy your champagne bottles in Costco size, a magnum bottle is equivalent to two regular-sized bottles. Here's a visual reference:

So, one magnum bottle of champagne is roughly equivalent to one Holly Hunter. Simple comparative math.

Get someone who looks at you like Molly looks at Reese 

Shoutout to my girl Laura Dern and her girls too. This was during Nicole Kidman's acceptance speech after she won Outstanding Performance by an Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Nicole, Reese and Laur-Deezy (what she always asks me to call her) were all nominated, but as we all know, Nicole owns this category. In standard Nikki Kidman form, she gave an eloquent speech up until the point that she pronounced Susan Sarandon's last name like Saran Wrap (SARAHN-DON). Being the mature adult that I am, I could not stop laughing.

Anyway here's Susan's reaction:

Alexander Skarsgard also of course won and tried to make a joke about how he beat De Niro but it came off more awkward than that time I said a tide pool at the beach was full of "orgasms" as opposed to "organisms."

Anyway, this sadly wraps up the "Big Little Lies" marathon of award show wins (for now). But let's celebrate by embracing this embrace between Nikki and L. Deezy:

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I know Nicole is drawing out the hug because she's reaching behind Laura to hug Reese too, but I'd like to think she just wanted to hug Laura longer. Because lord knows I would. One of my favorite things to do is linger hug someone and while I usually save that exclusively for dogs, I would 100% linger hug Laura Dern.

This is the most we will see of Leslie Bibb, ever

You guys, seriously. I've now seen Leslie Bibb more than I've seen my own parents. To be honest, I hope she's including all of these awards shows on her IMDB and tells future casting directors "Oh, you may recognize me from my work as smiling spouse at the 2018 SAG Awards." 

I guess you could say I love Margot Robbie

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I don't even have anything else to add. Margot Robbie is one of those girls who, to quote the contemporary poet/academic/light-of-my-life Beyonce, woke up like this. After some background research, I have found that she has never experienced an ugly day in her life.

Andrea from 90210 is the SAG-AFTRA president?!

Let me preface this by saying I did not mean to screenshot her like this, it just happened and I think we should go with it. Were you all aware that Gabrielle Carteris, aka Andrea from the original 90210, was the president of SAG-AFTRA? In case you can't recall what her character looked like, here she is:

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Killin' it with the choker. While I was entirely too young to be watching this show in the early 90s, it really prepared me for Dawson's Creek and then later to be fully disappointed in the offering of boys at my high school. I was shocked to find neither David Silver nor Pacey Witter in any of my classes.

My TV queens came out on top!

While she wasn't at the ceremony because she's undergoing chemotherapy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus still made history by becoming the most decorated actor in SAG history. With her win for actress in a comedy and Veep's win for comedy series, she has a total of 9. NINE! I feel like using the numeral and spelling it out makes it super dramatic. This is honestly also just a reason to include a random Veep gif, cool thanks for letting me:

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And my other (literal) queen, Claire Foy won actress in a drama, beating out Elisabeth Moss. While I love "The Handmaid's Tale," season 2 of "The Crown" was so so so so good. And Claire's final season on the show! Since they're jumping forward a couple decades for the next season. And because you're wondering why she wasn't there, per her last text to me, she was in Berlin filming the new Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie. So I was happy to eat her chicken in her place.

UPSET ALERT

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For the most part, SAG winners went along the same lines as the Golden Globes EXCEPT for Outstanding Ensemble in a Drama Series. "This is Us" came through like a made-over Rachel Leigh Cook stealing Freddie Prinze Jr.'s heart and stole the award from "The Handmaid's Tale." I was pretty surprised and I'm hoping now that the show has won, it'll end whatever bet Milo Ventimiglia had going on and he can finally shave that shit off his face. No offense to mustaches, but 88% of them look terrible, while the 12% that look good all belong to Tom Selleck. 

Mustaches aside, look how presh Milo and Mandy are! Like the movie poster for "A Walk to Remember 2: Still Walking to Remember."

Also, Sterling made history again! The first black actor to win Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series. 

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He gave another memorable speech, saying: "People call actors weird and strange but you have to embrace yourselves for who you are." Which I 100% agree with. But it also made me remember someone I went to school with, who I'd say was really into "acting" and the drama program, and okay was maybe a little weird but I tried to connect with once. And by "connect with," I mean I asked her if she had seen "Mean Girls" to which she said "No. I do not see the point in that movie." I cannot tell you how much that derailed me. It's like in movies when an explosion happens and the character's hearing is temporarily lost and all they hear is ringing and it's all extremely jarring. The point is that you should embrace who you are as long as who you are is a Cady Heron fan.

When the Bojangles cashier says it'll be 10 minutes while they fry more chicken:

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And when they finally call your order number for that freshly fried chicken:

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Frances McDormand won Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role, following up on her Golden Globes win. Pretty sure she'll nab the Oscar too, even though I'd love for Margot Robbie to be recognized for her complete transformation into Tonya Harding. I finally realized that Frances is kind of like the American version of Emma Thompson. Quirky and IDGAF'ish while also being amazingly talented. Wait and also, remember how she was Miss Clavel in the Madeline movie? WHERE IS HER OSCAR FOR THAT?

Finally, here is me with Morgan Freeman

I thought y'all would want a better shot of me in my natural state. Morgan Freeman was recognized with the Life Achievement Award and I would listen to this man recite an entire academic journal on the mating rituals of bats if he wanted to. His voice is so smooth and I know I joke about consulting God all the time, but God literally asked Morgan Freeman to do his voice work. What further proof do you need of his acting prowess. 

Ending this post with a shoutout to the show's first-ever host, Kristen Bell, quoting what I like to tell all men on our first date:

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See you next week for the Grammys!