2018 SAG Awards in the bag

I say this every year, but I love the SAG Awards. They might be my favorite show of the year because fellow actors select the winners. I feel like generally, unless you're in prison, you can trust the judgment of your peers. Though to be fair, if you're in prison and your peers vote you as like "Coolest Prisoner," that'd be pretty sweet too. I bet Martha Stewart was definitely voted as such.

Best dressed:

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That's right, just one: Yara Shahidi. A lot of the ladies looked fantastic, but this was the only look that elicited my famous yet never requested YAAAA scream. A jumpsuit! A long, dramatic train! That hair and makeup! My only concern with this look was, how does she go to the bathroom? Is there some sort of hidden flap we can't see? I can't help but consider this because nothing makes me more anxious than feeling like my ability to go to the bathroom is compromised.

Okay ew you guys stop talking about bathroom habits. I want to add that Yara is 17, set to attend Harvard in the fall and received a letter of recommendation from Michelle Obama. I mean, sounds like me at 17 except minus the red carpets, Hollywood fame, Harvard-worthy smarts and add lots of listening to Ashlee Simpson while eating Popeye's every other day and scoring 17% on the AP Biology final. Me and Yara and just two peas in a pod.

How to properly do a red carpet:

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Eris Baker, who plays Tess on "This is Us," is proof that age does not determine red carpet ferocity. Make room on the dinner table, because Eris is here serving all kinds of face. That brow lift! Those angles! You have to understand how hard it is to pull off smizing as easily as she does. The last time I tried was over a decade ago for my senior photos leading the photographer to say "Umm, okay let's maybe not do that look" while my mom said "Why do you look so confused?" IT'S HARD, OKAY.

How to not do a red carpet:

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I want to first note that I like Alison Brie and think she's adorable. But this dress in combination with the weird crotch-out pose she's doing is so odd. She has fallen prey to the ol' my-dress-has-a-slit-and-even-though-its-obvious-I'm-going-to-overpose-to-show-it-off. Like, a slit is literally a spot in your dress where material is missing so your leg can't help but be wild and free. You don't have to constantly stretch your leg out while throwing your cat at everybody. It's like wearing contacts and glasses -- doing both is inefficient and visually confusing.

People actually eat the food!

This dude seemed to be really excited about it. Dinner choices were either salmon or chicken because red meat gives you gas and aint nobody trying to blow ass next to Mandy Moore. That bitch will call you out and embarrass you in front of the cast of "The Crown" and it is the main reason we aren't friends anymore. 

The show also served 480 regular-sized bottles of champagne and 160 magnum-sized bottles. For those of you who don't buy your champagne bottles in Costco size, a magnum bottle is equivalent to two regular-sized bottles. Here's a visual reference:

So, one magnum bottle of champagne is roughly equivalent to one Holly Hunter. Simple comparative math.

Get someone who looks at you like Molly looks at Reese 

Shoutout to my girl Laura Dern and her girls too. This was during Nicole Kidman's acceptance speech after she won Outstanding Performance by an Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. Nicole, Reese and Laur-Deezy (what she always asks me to call her) were all nominated, but as we all know, Nicole owns this category. In standard Nikki Kidman form, she gave an eloquent speech up until the point that she pronounced Susan Sarandon's last name like Saran Wrap (SARAHN-DON). Being the mature adult that I am, I could not stop laughing.

Anyway here's Susan's reaction:

Alexander Skarsgard also of course won and tried to make a joke about how he beat De Niro but it came off more awkward than that time I said a tide pool at the beach was full of "orgasms" as opposed to "organisms."

Anyway, this sadly wraps up the "Big Little Lies" marathon of award show wins (for now). But let's celebrate by embracing this embrace between Nikki and L. Deezy:

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I know Nicole is drawing out the hug because she's reaching behind Laura to hug Reese too, but I'd like to think she just wanted to hug Laura longer. Because lord knows I would. One of my favorite things to do is linger hug someone and while I usually save that exclusively for dogs, I would 100% linger hug Laura Dern.

This is the most we will see of Leslie Bibb, ever

You guys, seriously. I've now seen Leslie Bibb more than I've seen my own parents. To be honest, I hope she's including all of these awards shows on her IMDB and tells future casting directors "Oh, you may recognize me from my work as smiling spouse at the 2018 SAG Awards." 

I guess you could say I love Margot Robbie

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I don't even have anything else to add. Margot Robbie is one of those girls who, to quote the contemporary poet/academic/light-of-my-life Beyonce, woke up like this. After some background research, I have found that she has never experienced an ugly day in her life.

Andrea from 90210 is the SAG-AFTRA president?!

Let me preface this by saying I did not mean to screenshot her like this, it just happened and I think we should go with it. Were you all aware that Gabrielle Carteris, aka Andrea from the original 90210, was the president of SAG-AFTRA? In case you can't recall what her character looked like, here she is:

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Killin' it with the choker. While I was entirely too young to be watching this show in the early 90s, it really prepared me for Dawson's Creek and then later to be fully disappointed in the offering of boys at my high school. I was shocked to find neither David Silver nor Pacey Witter in any of my classes.

My TV queens came out on top!

While she wasn't at the ceremony because she's undergoing chemotherapy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus still made history by becoming the most decorated actor in SAG history. With her win for actress in a comedy and Veep's win for comedy series, she has a total of 9. NINE! I feel like using the numeral and spelling it out makes it super dramatic. This is honestly also just a reason to include a random Veep gif, cool thanks for letting me:

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And my other (literal) queen, Claire Foy won actress in a drama, beating out Elisabeth Moss. While I love "The Handmaid's Tale," season 2 of "The Crown" was so so so so good. And Claire's final season on the show! Since they're jumping forward a couple decades for the next season. And because you're wondering why she wasn't there, per her last text to me, she was in Berlin filming the new Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie. So I was happy to eat her chicken in her place.

UPSET ALERT

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For the most part, SAG winners went along the same lines as the Golden Globes EXCEPT for Outstanding Ensemble in a Drama Series. "This is Us" came through like a made-over Rachel Leigh Cook stealing Freddie Prinze Jr.'s heart and stole the award from "The Handmaid's Tale." I was pretty surprised and I'm hoping now that the show has won, it'll end whatever bet Milo Ventimiglia had going on and he can finally shave that shit off his face. No offense to mustaches, but 88% of them look terrible, while the 12% that look good all belong to Tom Selleck. 

Mustaches aside, look how presh Milo and Mandy are! Like the movie poster for "A Walk to Remember 2: Still Walking to Remember."

Also, Sterling made history again! The first black actor to win Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series. 

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He gave another memorable speech, saying: "People call actors weird and strange but you have to embrace yourselves for who you are." Which I 100% agree with. But it also made me remember someone I went to school with, who I'd say was really into "acting" and the drama program, and okay was maybe a little weird but I tried to connect with once. And by "connect with," I mean I asked her if she had seen "Mean Girls" to which she said "No. I do not see the point in that movie." I cannot tell you how much that derailed me. It's like in movies when an explosion happens and the character's hearing is temporarily lost and all they hear is ringing and it's all extremely jarring. The point is that you should embrace who you are as long as who you are is a Cady Heron fan.

When the Bojangles cashier says it'll be 10 minutes while they fry more chicken:

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And when they finally call your order number for that freshly fried chicken:

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Frances McDormand won Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role, following up on her Golden Globes win. Pretty sure she'll nab the Oscar too, even though I'd love for Margot Robbie to be recognized for her complete transformation into Tonya Harding. I finally realized that Frances is kind of like the American version of Emma Thompson. Quirky and IDGAF'ish while also being amazingly talented. Wait and also, remember how she was Miss Clavel in the Madeline movie? WHERE IS HER OSCAR FOR THAT?

Finally, here is me with Morgan Freeman

I thought y'all would want a better shot of me in my natural state. Morgan Freeman was recognized with the Life Achievement Award and I would listen to this man recite an entire academic journal on the mating rituals of bats if he wanted to. His voice is so smooth and I know I joke about consulting God all the time, but God literally asked Morgan Freeman to do his voice work. What further proof do you need of his acting prowess. 

Ending this post with a shoutout to the show's first-ever host, Kristen Bell, quoting what I like to tell all men on our first date:

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See you next week for the Grammys!

The K-Mac Stack - 12/1/2017

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and I've eaten my weight in mashed potatoes, I feel fully prepared to bring you a stuffed (haha get it) edition of this week's Stack.

I guess we'll never be royal

Okay just a few notes about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announcing their engagement and that ABC News interview:

• Meghan is ridiculously gorgeous and lovely but girl don't play us with that "I didn't know much about him" BS. That'd be like if I won an internship with Oprah but was like "Wait, who's Oprah? Is she nice?"
• DAMN, LOOK AT THAT DEATH GRIP THO. This is how you hold on to yo' man.

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• They claim they were set up by a woman who is their "mutual friend." Which, what. If I knew a mother fracking prince, I would not set one of my friends up with him. The only "setting up" that would happen would be me setting up a trap to keep him forever.
• They also claim the engagement happened during a "cozy night in" where they were doing peasant shit like cooking chicken. We all know that royals spend their free time rolling around in rooms full of gold coins and jewels and crowns. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

Now that our Party Prince is officially off the market, don't fret. I have found us three new boyfriends who can provide us with love and happiness and also a crown:

Crown Prince Hussein of Jordan is 23 and first in line to the throne. He is the youngest person to ever chair a UN Security Council session (20) and earlier this year he delivered Jordan's speech at the UN General Assembly. All of this Amal Clooney stuff aside, he graduated from Georgetown last year so he's tryna take you out for cupcakes. 

Prince Mateen of Brunei is 26 and sixth in line to the throne. His family is worth a measly $20 billion, which, I don't know, I guess I could adjust to that. I'm pretty sure suits were made to be worn by him and also HIS BROWS ARE IMPECCABLE. Honestly, brow grooming should be one of the top requirements for being royal. Anyway, I'll see you all next year when I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair for entrapping, I mean, falling in mutual love with him.

Prince Eric is first in line to the throne and enjoys ships, contemplating life while sitting on the side of a ship, playing the flute on the side of a ship, jumping from a ship into water that contains a bigass octopus thing and most importantly, wearing a red belt thing that has no buckle or end and must just be a giant elastic waistband.

Let's talk about Grammy nominations

They came out earlier this week and I was, for the most part, pleased with them. Jay-Z got the most with 8, including album of the year. This is the first year EVER in the 60 years of the Grammys that a white man isn't nominated in the category. Which, speaking of, I WILL NEVER GET OVER BECK BEATING BEYONCE IN 2015. NEVER EVER. 

Anyway, while I personally like Kendrick Lamar's "Damn" album best, I feel Jay will probably win. When he does, please don't say that he is "avenging" Beyonce's loss to Adele because Beyonce will avenge herself. I'm hoping she'll release a mind-blowing album next year, right before cut-off for Grammy submissions, so it's fresh in everyone's mind and she'll come for all the awards that are rightfully hers while there's none for Swifty.

Speaking of, T.Swift's newest album was released after cut-off for this year's awards, so we'll have to wait until 2019 to see if her tragique new "bad" persona works out. Y'all. I can't get over it. She is like when you tried a smokey eye look for the first time and genuinely thought "Omg, I am a good girl gone bad just like Rihanna." From what I can tell, she equates wearing black clothes and a bad blunt haircut as "edgy" when we all know she's about as edgy as a rubber ball. #ThanksKimKForTheReceipts

Ending this by saying the most nominated woman is SZA with 5. I cannot stop screaming because "Ctrl" is an AMAZING album. I obsessively listen to it, every track in its entirety, which is not something I do very often. In fact, I usually only save it for the masterpiece known as "Danity Kane." You've probably heard her song "Love Galore," but you should also listen to "Drew Barrymore," "Supermodel," "Broken Clocks" AND DEAR GOD JUST THE ENTIRE ALBUM, OKAY.

Bet you didn't know I lent her this outfit after my mom said I couldn't wear it to church.

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J.Law stopped creeping around with this creep

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Katniss finally wised up and broke it off with Darren Aronofsky, the director of that ridic mother! movie and Black Swan, a film which still scares the shit out of me. She isn't responding to the emails I've been sending to jenniferlawrence@gmail.com, but I'm pretty sure they broke up because she realized he's 20 years older than her and looks like a creepy pot of overboiled pasta. Now, you know I subscribe to Aaliyah's "age ain't nothing but a number" philosophy, but that does not apply when the person looks like a thumb. Everyone knows that's just a rule of nature.

"I, Tonya" is definitely an Oscar contender

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And I'm not just saying that because I got to go to a screening and see Margot Robbie's perfect face and lil' Sebastian Stan talk about the film after. The movie gives you a different perspective of the whole Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan drama and Margot's transformation into the role is incredible. It's all based on true events and is filmed almost like a documentary. Allison Janney plays Tonya's crazy ass, alcoholic, abusive mom and if she doesn't get a Best Supporting Actress nom while Margot gets a a Best Actress nom, I will burn this place down.

Who run the world
Billboard hosted their annual Women in Music event and honored several boss ass ladies, including Camila Cabello, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige and Kehlani. Selena Gomez was named Woman of the Year and she cried during her acceptance speech and I don't know, maybe my allergies were bothering me and I also got misty eyed. HER BEST FRIEND DONATED A KIDNEY TO HER TO SAVE HER LIFE OKAY. Meanwhile, my best friend Dr. Chloe said this to me recently: "Remember when you only wore plaid. That was so annoying." So, same.

I was also happy to see Kehlani recognized (with the "Rule Breaker Award") and she looked ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.

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Her voice is insane and she's only 22 and has overcome so much to get to where she's at. Stop it y'all, you're gonna make me get all human emotional again and I can't do that twice in one year. But take some time to listen to her latest album, "SweetSexySavage." YOU'RE WELCOME.

LET US REJOICE IN THE BIRTH OF CHRISSY TEIGEN
She turned 32 yesterday and celebrated by not receiving a plane, trying the #OneChipChallenge and getting a precious ass card from Luna (later she had an actual party that was Pan-Am themed and Kim K and Kanye attended, but I figured you'd be more interested in this).

This momentous day reminds me of the first time I saw CT close-up. I had just moved to New York, in time for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue launch. Okay, I know that sounds like it would be an event just full of creepy men ogling models, but that's not true. It was full of creepy old men ogling models and also me. This was as close as I got and let me just confirm that she is so gorgina you will weep. 

Cheers to another year of Chrissy! But not actually cheers because she's pregnant, which I would like to confirm to the masses that I am in fact not the surrogate.

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Question of the week: What is this tomfoolery in "The Holiday"?
I was indulging in my tradition of watching "The Holiday" every day after Thanksgiving until Christmas when I noticed this glaring error:

Um, Kate Winslet's character is single and lives alone. SINGLE, LONELY PEOPLE DO NOT PUT COOKIES ONTO A PLATE, EVER. You just put that entire container or tray of cookies next to you, or sometimes on your belly while you're lying down, and eat all of them because mama didn't raise a quitter and because also you're a monster.

That's it for the week! Now I'm off to listen to SZA and Kehlani while eating 50-75 Golden Oreos.