What did we learn from the 2018 People's Choice Awards?

I've watched a lot of awards shows — from the main dishes of the Oscars and Grammys to the side dishes of the SAG Awards and Golden Globes to the unwanted leftovers of anything on MTV. But this year's People's Choice Awards will go down as the worst ever. And that's saying a lot, because I once live streamed a small Canadian music awards show.

Anyway, E! thought that they could bring their television mastery to a show that in previous years has been pre-taped and hosted by Kaley Cuoco. So the bar was already pretty high. Let's jump into this overflowing dumpster!

Best dressed

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I AM SCREAMING. Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund won the award for Animal Star of 2018 and this entire show would've been infinitely more entertaining and legitimate had they just stationed a camera on him the entire night. He also looked better than any other wiener on the carpet and this is quite possibly the best use of E!'s Glam Cam ever. I LOVE A DRAMATIC ZOOM. Honestly, I will never understand people who have dogs and don't make them wear clothes.

Why is this happening to us

Rancic showed up wearing a rain coat from a Star Wars villain's closet and even she is wondering why we have to endure her. The way she's wearing this looks like what happens when you wear a tank top to bed and wake up with one boob hanging out of one of the arm holes. I guess that's what happened to Rancic. Fell asleep in this Guardians of the Galaxy coat and woke up just in time to torture us on the red carpet.

Awards are expensive

E! named 110% of the winners before the show even started because there are apparently 450 categories and everyone gets a participation trophy. James Charles won the award for Beauty Influencer and all I could focus on was the fact that his trophy still had the Target price tag on it:

I could not stop laughing. As if we didn't already know this show was one step above a Beanie Babies convention.

Remember when Rita Ora dated Rob Kardashian
Rita Ora made an appearance on the red carpet making her the most famous person to appear for the night. I'm not even throwing shade (or 50) because I actually really like her. Her voice is pretty great and I don't know if you've seen the Fifty Shades movies, but she's in them and just waiting for that Oscar.

Anyway, shout out to this guy who shares my same sentiments:

Okay, let's get to the actual shit of this shit show.

THE REASON I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WOULD BE GOOD

In measuring the level of my obsession with Chrissy Teigen, I'd like to think I toe the line for creepy, while never crossing it. But I'm really really really close, like constantly hovering over it. Chrissy and Mr. Chrissy (read: John Legend) didn't even walk the red carpet because they do not have time for Rancic's BS. Also pretty sure she just made John tag along to support her presenting the award for Reality Series (note: she LOVES Bravo TV).

Now, I'm not insinuating I started watching Vanderpump Rules and Southern Charm because she loves them. I am outright saying that's why I started watching them. I AM VERY IMPRESSIONABLE, OKAY. And just as I suspected, her refined taste in television did not disappoint as was most evident in this super deep moment from the last season of Vanderpump:

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Speaking of Vanderpump...

What do you think the combined IQ of this table is

Are all of the people on Vanderpump Rules horrible? Yes. But are they honestly trying to grow and mature and be better people? HAHA ABSOLUTELY NOT. But they're entertaining as hell. One time Stassi (middle blonde) told Jax (front right tux) that she was the devil and I truly believe her. This is the table I would've wanted to sit at. They spent the entire evening being loud as hell while drinking all of the alcohol at their table before I assume stealing it from Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund's table.

How existential is this photo of them taking shots with the words "Reality Show" in the background? I am an artist. Also, I do not fully understand what the word existential means.

This is all of them reacting to Chrissy saying she loves them, which I'm only including for Lala who seems completely unfazed. For those of you who don't watch this show that continues to be robbed of an Emmy, Lala dates an old rich dude, only flies on private jets, wears huge gold hoops all the time and sometimes drinks milk out of a bottle. All very normal things.

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THIS SHOW IS A MASTERPIECE.

In which E! gives an award to the most famous show on E!

Just a gentle reminder that these awards are not awarded based on the "people's votes." Who even knows where those votes go? I feel like when you submit your votes online, they are literally printed out somewhere straight into a shredder. Anyway, the Kardashians won the award for Reality Series and all I want to talk about is how fucking creepy Kris is:

Unless you are Cyclops (from X-Men) who has to wear sunglasses all the time to prevent himself from shooting lasers at people, you have no reason to wear sunglasses indoors. And okay I know there are other medical reasons, but the point is Kris is not affected by any of those. I actually don't know what steals my attention more, Kris looking like a predator or Kourtney's REALLY AMAZING BROWS???

Carson Daly has been wearing the same outfit for 20 years

He has legitimately maintained the same outfit, hairstyle and stubble since the early 2000s, which is both admirable and also wtf? Do you think his closet is just a bunch of black utility jackets and Hanes white tees?

What the hell is a Shadowhunter

I feel pretty confident in saying this is the only time "Shadowhunters" will be named the top show of any year. This was the point in the evening when I realized I had made a terrible mistake. The other nominees in the category included: "This is Us" (which makes sense), "Grey's Anatomy" (who even knew this was still on), "The Big Bang Theory" (I'll let you fill in your own commentary), and "13 Reasons Why" (why tho). FOR SHOW OF THE YEAR??? WHO CHOSE THESE NOMINEES, A PERSON WHO DOES NOT ENJOY TELEVISION??

Shadowkillers also won some other awards, but I don't remember which ones because I was too busy screaming WHAT IS THIS SHOW?

Okay Shay Mitchell, we get it

I even happened to take this screenshot when she was blinking and she still looks absolutely flawless, which is pretty rude. For comparison, here is what I look like when someone surprises me by taking a photo:

I find solace in the fact that she is a terrible actress. Trust me. If you've seen even 14 seconds of "Pretty Little Liars," you know this is true. So I guess she'll just have to settle for being ridiculously good looking and one of the faces of Adidas. Totally sucks.

Who tricked Allison and Melissa into coming to this

Did someone tell them this was a special ceremony for Meryl or something? Or that Ryan Gosling was handing out kisses? Did that woman in the black dress orchestrate all of this? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FINALE OF "THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL ALLISON JANNEY AND MELISSA MCCARTHY WOULD ATTEND THIS SHOW OF THEIR OWN VOLITION." Though I did really appreciate the fact that Melissa was seated next to Nicki Minaj.

If this ain't the poster for a new comedy series, I don't know what is.

When someone asks how many eyes and boobs you have

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How does Gwen Stefani look younger than she did in 1998? More importantly, should I try a middle part?

Victoria Beckham invented suits

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Look how nonchalant this boss ass bitch walks up to accept her Fashion Icon award. The whole hands-in-suit-pockets pose is such a power move that says "I run this" and also "I have peanut M&M's in my pocket." She was presented her award by Allegra Cole from "Hitch" whose real name I don't know and also should I know her from anything else?

Posh then included this in her acceptance speech and I hollered:

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Do we think I can wear this on casual Friday

Nicki wore this outfit that seemed to be made completely of belts and spiderwebs and I kept wondering how did she go to the bathroom?? Like did she have to unbuckle each of those belts? Have you ever been rushing home to use the bathroom and then have to frantically struggle to undo your belt? Can you even imagine what that would be like if you were wearing this? Nicki is a true hero. Also, she used her speech to shoot her shot with Michael B. Jordan by first thanking the designer for her outfit then saying "and thank you to Michael B. Jordan who will be taking this off of me tonight." YOOO NICKI. MY GIRL.

And that's it! While the PCAs were only two hours long, they felt like about 45 days. It was like some sort of cleanse, except instead of cleansing toxins from my body, it cleansed pesky brain cells.

See you all soon! Til then, find me eating pounds of pasta while claiming I'm allergic to gluten and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

The K-Mac Stack - 12/1/2017

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and I've eaten my weight in mashed potatoes, I feel fully prepared to bring you a stuffed (haha get it) edition of this week's Stack.

I guess we'll never be royal

Okay just a few notes about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announcing their engagement and that ABC News interview:

• Meghan is ridiculously gorgeous and lovely but girl don't play us with that "I didn't know much about him" BS. That'd be like if I won an internship with Oprah but was like "Wait, who's Oprah? Is she nice?"
• DAMN, LOOK AT THAT DEATH GRIP THO. This is how you hold on to yo' man.

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• They claim they were set up by a woman who is their "mutual friend." Which, what. If I knew a mother fracking prince, I would not set one of my friends up with him. The only "setting up" that would happen would be me setting up a trap to keep him forever.
• They also claim the engagement happened during a "cozy night in" where they were doing peasant shit like cooking chicken. We all know that royals spend their free time rolling around in rooms full of gold coins and jewels and crowns. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

Now that our Party Prince is officially off the market, don't fret. I have found us three new boyfriends who can provide us with love and happiness and also a crown:

Crown Prince Hussein of Jordan is 23 and first in line to the throne. He is the youngest person to ever chair a UN Security Council session (20) and earlier this year he delivered Jordan's speech at the UN General Assembly. All of this Amal Clooney stuff aside, he graduated from Georgetown last year so he's tryna take you out for cupcakes. 

Prince Mateen of Brunei is 26 and sixth in line to the throne. His family is worth a measly $20 billion, which, I don't know, I guess I could adjust to that. I'm pretty sure suits were made to be worn by him and also HIS BROWS ARE IMPECCABLE. Honestly, brow grooming should be one of the top requirements for being royal. Anyway, I'll see you all next year when I'm on the cover of Vanity Fair for entrapping, I mean, falling in mutual love with him.

Prince Eric is first in line to the throne and enjoys ships, contemplating life while sitting on the side of a ship, playing the flute on the side of a ship, jumping from a ship into water that contains a bigass octopus thing and most importantly, wearing a red belt thing that has no buckle or end and must just be a giant elastic waistband.

Let's talk about Grammy nominations

They came out earlier this week and I was, for the most part, pleased with them. Jay-Z got the most with 8, including album of the year. This is the first year EVER in the 60 years of the Grammys that a white man isn't nominated in the category. Which, speaking of, I WILL NEVER GET OVER BECK BEATING BEYONCE IN 2015. NEVER EVER. 

Anyway, while I personally like Kendrick Lamar's "Damn" album best, I feel Jay will probably win. When he does, please don't say that he is "avenging" Beyonce's loss to Adele because Beyonce will avenge herself. I'm hoping she'll release a mind-blowing album next year, right before cut-off for Grammy submissions, so it's fresh in everyone's mind and she'll come for all the awards that are rightfully hers while there's none for Swifty.

Speaking of, T.Swift's newest album was released after cut-off for this year's awards, so we'll have to wait until 2019 to see if her tragique new "bad" persona works out. Y'all. I can't get over it. She is like when you tried a smokey eye look for the first time and genuinely thought "Omg, I am a good girl gone bad just like Rihanna." From what I can tell, she equates wearing black clothes and a bad blunt haircut as "edgy" when we all know she's about as edgy as a rubber ball. #ThanksKimKForTheReceipts

Ending this by saying the most nominated woman is SZA with 5. I cannot stop screaming because "Ctrl" is an AMAZING album. I obsessively listen to it, every track in its entirety, which is not something I do very often. In fact, I usually only save it for the masterpiece known as "Danity Kane." You've probably heard her song "Love Galore," but you should also listen to "Drew Barrymore," "Supermodel," "Broken Clocks" AND DEAR GOD JUST THE ENTIRE ALBUM, OKAY.

Bet you didn't know I lent her this outfit after my mom said I couldn't wear it to church.

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J.Law stopped creeping around with this creep

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Katniss finally wised up and broke it off with Darren Aronofsky, the director of that ridic mother! movie and Black Swan, a film which still scares the shit out of me. She isn't responding to the emails I've been sending to jenniferlawrence@gmail.com, but I'm pretty sure they broke up because she realized he's 20 years older than her and looks like a creepy pot of overboiled pasta. Now, you know I subscribe to Aaliyah's "age ain't nothing but a number" philosophy, but that does not apply when the person looks like a thumb. Everyone knows that's just a rule of nature.

"I, Tonya" is definitely an Oscar contender

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And I'm not just saying that because I got to go to a screening and see Margot Robbie's perfect face and lil' Sebastian Stan talk about the film after. The movie gives you a different perspective of the whole Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan drama and Margot's transformation into the role is incredible. It's all based on true events and is filmed almost like a documentary. Allison Janney plays Tonya's crazy ass, alcoholic, abusive mom and if she doesn't get a Best Supporting Actress nom while Margot gets a a Best Actress nom, I will burn this place down.

Who run the world
Billboard hosted their annual Women in Music event and honored several boss ass ladies, including Camila Cabello, Kelly Clarkson, Mary J. Blige and Kehlani. Selena Gomez was named Woman of the Year and she cried during her acceptance speech and I don't know, maybe my allergies were bothering me and I also got misty eyed. HER BEST FRIEND DONATED A KIDNEY TO HER TO SAVE HER LIFE OKAY. Meanwhile, my best friend Dr. Chloe said this to me recently: "Remember when you only wore plaid. That was so annoying." So, same.

I was also happy to see Kehlani recognized (with the "Rule Breaker Award") and she looked ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.

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Her voice is insane and she's only 22 and has overcome so much to get to where she's at. Stop it y'all, you're gonna make me get all human emotional again and I can't do that twice in one year. But take some time to listen to her latest album, "SweetSexySavage." YOU'RE WELCOME.

LET US REJOICE IN THE BIRTH OF CHRISSY TEIGEN
She turned 32 yesterday and celebrated by not receiving a plane, trying the #OneChipChallenge and getting a precious ass card from Luna (later she had an actual party that was Pan-Am themed and Kim K and Kanye attended, but I figured you'd be more interested in this).

This momentous day reminds me of the first time I saw CT close-up. I had just moved to New York, in time for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue launch. Okay, I know that sounds like it would be an event just full of creepy men ogling models, but that's not true. It was full of creepy old men ogling models and also me. This was as close as I got and let me just confirm that she is so gorgina you will weep. 

Cheers to another year of Chrissy! But not actually cheers because she's pregnant, which I would like to confirm to the masses that I am in fact not the surrogate.

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Question of the week: What is this tomfoolery in "The Holiday"?
I was indulging in my tradition of watching "The Holiday" every day after Thanksgiving until Christmas when I noticed this glaring error:

Um, Kate Winslet's character is single and lives alone. SINGLE, LONELY PEOPLE DO NOT PUT COOKIES ONTO A PLATE, EVER. You just put that entire container or tray of cookies next to you, or sometimes on your belly while you're lying down, and eat all of them because mama didn't raise a quitter and because also you're a monster.

That's it for the week! Now I'm off to listen to SZA and Kehlani while eating 50-75 Golden Oreos.

What did we learn from the 2017 Oscars?

Just want to let you all know that my 13-hour flight from Japan landed in time for the Oscars Red Carpet because I clearly have the right priorities. So what's the first thing I did when I got home, smelling like recycled air and peanuts? Subjected myself to Seacrest and Rancic of course!

I was pleased to find that E! had once again relegated Rancic to the Roosevelt Hotel across the street because let's be honest with ourselves, people like Alicia Vikander should not be immersed in the true horror of Rancic's orange-handed interviewing. 

Which, speaking of Alicia, let's jump right into fashion.

This is what Ali V. (omg she hates it when I call her that) wore to the show and to the Vanity Fair after party, proving that she did not come to play with y'all and is simply here to slay. Also, she showed up wearing the tan that Rancic so desperately wants with her hair in a post-gym pineapple bun because she is Alicia Vikander and can do shit like that. It's 100% selfish of her to have both this face and that amazing accent AND be a talented actress. I bet she doesn't even do normal human things like sneeze because sneezing is unattractive and there have been zero recorded incidents of an unattractive Vikander.

My other favorite dresses of the evening:

You guys, it's like last year's awards show season broke up with Brie Larson and this year is her revenge year (which is of course untrue since she won everything last year). Nonetheless, her dresses have been sharper than Captain Crunch cereal on the roof of your mouth and I'm here for it. I love the ruffling at the bottom of this that is quite literally shaped like Ruffles chips and who doesn't love a good Ruffles chip.

Naomie Harris has taken everything I love about clothing and put it into one ensemble: 1) A cape 2) A dress that is long enough that you don't have to sit like a nun all night but short enough to show you shaved your legs 3) A peek-a-boo tummy window that proves to be useful at the after party when In-n-Out is served. I only hope she put that cape to good use at some point in the night and whipped Karlie Kloss in the face because WHO THE HELL INVITED KLOSS TO THE OSCARS? I DEMAND A RECOUNT.

Plenty of ladies have worn red dresses on the red carpet, but anyway those are all cancelled now because Viola Davis has done it and no one will ever be able to top her.

Lastly, I'm not the biggest Kirsten Dunst fan, but I love this dress because it has pockets and there are few things I love more in life than pockets on a dress. How many bags of M&Ms do you think she was able to sneak in? I bet there's like a whole container of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles too. So glad our dear Kiki was looking good that night because I can only assume the Oscars presented her with a lifetime impact award for her performance in the critically acclaimed melodrama "Bring It On."

And now, to the 15-hour show!

Vikander + Mahershala Ali = Be still my beating heart

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I have already framed this photo and placed it in my heart and also every room of my apartment. Look how sincerely emotional she is for him! And how gracious and gorgeous and sweet and also good looking and also handsome he is! Mahershala in an all-black suit turned my heart into a mess of Nature Valley granola bar crumbs. These two can never act in a film together because my doctor tells me it will kill me.

Let's put "Can't Stop the Feeling" to bed now

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Just a reminder that a song from the Trolls movie was Oscar nominated but Pharrell's "Runnin" from Hidden Figures was not. AN ACTUAL OUTRAGE. Not that Justin is to blame, but I mean, his new haircut might be. Actually, his new haircut is 100% to blame. Not throwing shade at all though because his performance was upbeat and entertaining, actually put on a jacket because here comes the shade, I want to bury this song in a concrete box and throw it into a volcano then throw that volcano onto Mars then throw Mars into a black hole leading to another galaxy to ensure I never hear it again.

Viola continues her quest to make my heart grow 3 sizes

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While I was not surprised that Viola Davis won the award for Best Viola Davis in a Supporting Role, it didn't diminish the impact of her speech. This woman could convince me to set my hair on fire and wear a Duke jersey to my own wedding. I don't think I even blink when she's speaking for fear of not properly soaking in her words. When an evil witch has Sleeping Beauty'd me and Mahershala Ali has not been able to Prince Charming wake me up, play a montage of Viola Davis speeches and I'll instantly be revived. But remember to have Mahershala try his hand at reviving me first, that's crucial.

Actually, first submit that montage of Viola speeches to the Recording Academy for Viola to win a Grammy next year therefore clenching her EGOT. 

BREAKING NEWS: NEW BOYFRIEND ALERT

I'm not one to start rumors about myself with male celebrities, but word on the street is that I'm dating Riz Ahmed and since I'm not denying it and he hasn't said otherwise it must be true. I'm digging this gif because it so perfectly encapsulates what it's like to trip and fall onto Riz, then stand up and check him out. I'm not advocating ogling men because they are not just pieces of meat and hahahaha just kidding I'm of course saying you should ogle them. Women are paid 80 cents for every dollar paid to men so if we want to make up that 20 cent difference by ogling good looking men, BY GOD WE WILL.

Real best friends get matching Oscars

Those handmade thread bracelets really pale in comparison to having matching Best Actress Oscars. I'm assuming Brie and Emma will now get their Oscars put on diamond friendship necklaces to wear around all the time as a show of their permanent bond. I'm kidding of course, that'd be ridiculous because Oscar necklaces are so hard to match with. Fashion is difficult!

While on the topic of Emma, it's important to note that in her speech she said "thank you to my soul sister Kristi." That's right, that spelling and everything. To answer everyone's question, yes, she was referring to me. And to think, the police tried to tell me that camping outside of someone's house for four months was "weird" and not the "basis for friendship." HA. I clearly showed them.

Speaking of breast friends, #MiBusy!

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I may be a bit biased but I loved both of their dresses and the fact that they were front row to the night's debauchery. I'm only saddened by the fact that they had to sit sandwiched between the Hooflack brothers at some point (I suppose this was necessary since Michelle was in Manchester by the Sea with nasty ass Casey Affleck). Because of this, we were gifted this reaction when the La La Land-Moonlight Envelopegate happened:

Prior to that when times were simpler, they enjoyed candy parachuted from the ceiling and I imagine Busy tried to get Michelle to eat a Red Vine but Michelle was like "Red Vines are fucking disgusting" because they are and it remains the only subject of contention between them (besides the whole Pacey thing back in the Creek days).

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Someone rescue Dakota Johnson('s career)

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Dakota Johnson is actually pretty funny and being funny is a talent and therefore it makes zero sense for her to be wasting her time on the sinking, embarrassing ship of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm bypassing her dress choice because it mostly reminded me of a fancy folded silk napkin which only made me want a fancy hamburger and also french fries and see this is why I didn't bring it up. What must it be like to attend an evening celebrating the best in film to have someone ask you about a movie franchise based on Twilight fan fiction? I imagine it'd be like me attending the Pulitzer Prize ceremony to discuss my latest handmade pop-up book.

Chris Evans has fallen victim to the Zefron effect

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Scientists have only recently coined the Zefron phenomenon (named after Zac Efron, duh), which is most commonly recognized by the presence of a plethora of films featuring horrendous acting but so many shirtless scenes that you forget your brain is slowly dying from exposure to the terribleness. Okay and some of you are up in arms like "He's Captain America!" and all that other BS, which I agree, his acting chops were really put to work in that skintight muscle suit. And he had to hold a shield! True Renaissance Man! Anyway, I'll see myself out.

WHO RUN THE WORLD

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I didn't include Janelle, Taraji and Octavia in the best dressed list above because they deserved their own standalone mention. I remain saltier than a crushed bag of Fritos over the fact that Taraji and Janelle didn't get nominations and honestly that Hidden Figures didn't win more. My caps lock can't quite express my thoughts on this iconic trio and their absolute fashion slayage and the fact that they brought out the real Katherine Johnson, so I'll let Beyonce help me.

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I demand a recount.

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Reminder that Casey Affleck is literal garbage and settled lawsuits by two women for sexual misconduct and harassment. This is the second time Brie Larson has had to present this human stain with an award and she was once again not having it. Still professional, but who says you have to clap for crap? NO ONE. Anyway, for more looks of disgust, here's Emma and Viola:

Because they realize that as creepy and disgusting as Casey looks on the outside, he's infinitely more creepy and disgusting on the inside. I only hope one of them yelled "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US" at some point.

And bonus, Chrissy T sleeping during his acceptance speech with a special appearance of Ali V. not giving a rat's ass.

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Sometimes a recount does happen.

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Let me start off by saying I loved La La Land. It's a feel good movie that kind of helps you escape the current shit storm we're in and it's beautiful to watch. But you guys, Moonlight literally hits you right in the heart and makes it ache. An absolutely amazing story complemented by unbelievable performances with ridiculous cinematography. So, when La La Land was mistakenly announced, I felt a flashback to Adele beating Beyonce at the Grammys. But before this flashback could fully materialize, the Oscars Kanye'd themselves declaring Moonlight the actual winner. And it was all very confusing and like YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO. DO NOT SCREW UP THE BIGGEST AWARD OF THE NIGHT. This is like preparing Christmas dinner and paying close attention to the cranberry sauce and stuffing but then forgetting to cook the turkey all the way. NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR RAW TURKEY, OSCARS. 

Anyway, was glad to see Moonlight get its due credit. And the cast and crews reactions!

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Per tradition, obligatory Chrissy T

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At this point, you know me well enough that I don't have to express my somewhat creepy undying love for CT and the fact that she and John are so beautiful together that I randomly weep thinking about them. BUT THIS DRESS AND ITS CAPE COMPONENT! Also, the day before the show, our beloved Chrissy tweeted this out, therefore bringing us full circle with the Vikander effect:

Generally wondering, what happens to those celeb seat cards? Is there just some trash can outside the Kodak Theater full of them on the day of the show? And how accessible is this trash can? And how tall is it? Would one need a ladder to access it? Asking for a friend.

And that's it! Per usual, a long ass show but this time with a dramatic ending. I leave you with this moment that has created a fear that Nicole Kidman will kill me with her seal fins or lobster claws or whatever these things are. She's getting really sloppy with these "human woman" costumes she's choosing to wear.

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