What did we learn from the 2017 Oscars?

Just want to let you all know that my 13-hour flight from Japan landed in time for the Oscars Red Carpet because I clearly have the right priorities. So what's the first thing I did when I got home, smelling like recycled air and peanuts? Subjected myself to Seacrest and Rancic of course!

I was pleased to find that E! had once again relegated Rancic to the Roosevelt Hotel across the street because let's be honest with ourselves, people like Alicia Vikander should not be immersed in the true horror of Rancic's orange-handed interviewing. 

Which, speaking of Alicia, let's jump right into fashion.

This is what Ali V. (omg she hates it when I call her that) wore to the show and to the Vanity Fair after party, proving that she did not come to play with y'all and is simply here to slay. Also, she showed up wearing the tan that Rancic so desperately wants with her hair in a post-gym pineapple bun because she is Alicia Vikander and can do shit like that. It's 100% selfish of her to have both this face and that amazing accent AND be a talented actress. I bet she doesn't even do normal human things like sneeze because sneezing is unattractive and there have been zero recorded incidents of an unattractive Vikander.

My other favorite dresses of the evening:

You guys, it's like last year's awards show season broke up with Brie Larson and this year is her revenge year (which is of course untrue since she won everything last year). Nonetheless, her dresses have been sharper than Captain Crunch cereal on the roof of your mouth and I'm here for it. I love the ruffling at the bottom of this that is quite literally shaped like Ruffles chips and who doesn't love a good Ruffles chip.

Naomie Harris has taken everything I love about clothing and put it into one ensemble: 1) A cape 2) A dress that is long enough that you don't have to sit like a nun all night but short enough to show you shaved your legs 3) A peek-a-boo tummy window that proves to be useful at the after party when In-n-Out is served. I only hope she put that cape to good use at some point in the night and whipped Karlie Kloss in the face because WHO THE HELL INVITED KLOSS TO THE OSCARS? I DEMAND A RECOUNT.

Plenty of ladies have worn red dresses on the red carpet, but anyway those are all cancelled now because Viola Davis has done it and no one will ever be able to top her.

Lastly, I'm not the biggest Kirsten Dunst fan, but I love this dress because it has pockets and there are few things I love more in life than pockets on a dress. How many bags of M&Ms do you think she was able to sneak in? I bet there's like a whole container of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles too. So glad our dear Kiki was looking good that night because I can only assume the Oscars presented her with a lifetime impact award for her performance in the critically acclaimed melodrama "Bring It On."

And now, to the 15-hour show!

Vikander + Mahershala Ali = Be still my beating heart

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I have already framed this photo and placed it in my heart and also every room of my apartment. Look how sincerely emotional she is for him! And how gracious and gorgeous and sweet and also good looking and also handsome he is! Mahershala in an all-black suit turned my heart into a mess of Nature Valley granola bar crumbs. These two can never act in a film together because my doctor tells me it will kill me.

Let's put "Can't Stop the Feeling" to bed now

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Just a reminder that a song from the Trolls movie was Oscar nominated but Pharrell's "Runnin" from Hidden Figures was not. AN ACTUAL OUTRAGE. Not that Justin is to blame, but I mean, his new haircut might be. Actually, his new haircut is 100% to blame. Not throwing shade at all though because his performance was upbeat and entertaining, actually put on a jacket because here comes the shade, I want to bury this song in a concrete box and throw it into a volcano then throw that volcano onto Mars then throw Mars into a black hole leading to another galaxy to ensure I never hear it again.

Viola continues her quest to make my heart grow 3 sizes

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While I was not surprised that Viola Davis won the award for Best Viola Davis in a Supporting Role, it didn't diminish the impact of her speech. This woman could convince me to set my hair on fire and wear a Duke jersey to my own wedding. I don't think I even blink when she's speaking for fear of not properly soaking in her words. When an evil witch has Sleeping Beauty'd me and Mahershala Ali has not been able to Prince Charming wake me up, play a montage of Viola Davis speeches and I'll instantly be revived. But remember to have Mahershala try his hand at reviving me first, that's crucial.

Actually, first submit that montage of Viola speeches to the Recording Academy for Viola to win a Grammy next year therefore clenching her EGOT. 

BREAKING NEWS: NEW BOYFRIEND ALERT

I'm not one to start rumors about myself with male celebrities, but word on the street is that I'm dating Riz Ahmed and since I'm not denying it and he hasn't said otherwise it must be true. I'm digging this gif because it so perfectly encapsulates what it's like to trip and fall onto Riz, then stand up and check him out. I'm not advocating ogling men because they are not just pieces of meat and hahahaha just kidding I'm of course saying you should ogle them. Women are paid 80 cents for every dollar paid to men so if we want to make up that 20 cent difference by ogling good looking men, BY GOD WE WILL.

Real best friends get matching Oscars

Those handmade thread bracelets really pale in comparison to having matching Best Actress Oscars. I'm assuming Brie and Emma will now get their Oscars put on diamond friendship necklaces to wear around all the time as a show of their permanent bond. I'm kidding of course, that'd be ridiculous because Oscar necklaces are so hard to match with. Fashion is difficult!

While on the topic of Emma, it's important to note that in her speech she said "thank you to my soul sister Kristi." That's right, that spelling and everything. To answer everyone's question, yes, she was referring to me. And to think, the police tried to tell me that camping outside of someone's house for four months was "weird" and not the "basis for friendship." HA. I clearly showed them.

Speaking of breast friends, #MiBusy!

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I may be a bit biased but I loved both of their dresses and the fact that they were front row to the night's debauchery. I'm only saddened by the fact that they had to sit sandwiched between the Hooflack brothers at some point (I suppose this was necessary since Michelle was in Manchester by the Sea with nasty ass Casey Affleck). Because of this, we were gifted this reaction when the La La Land-Moonlight Envelopegate happened:

Prior to that when times were simpler, they enjoyed candy parachuted from the ceiling and I imagine Busy tried to get Michelle to eat a Red Vine but Michelle was like "Red Vines are fucking disgusting" because they are and it remains the only subject of contention between them (besides the whole Pacey thing back in the Creek days).

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Someone rescue Dakota Johnson('s career)

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Dakota Johnson is actually pretty funny and being funny is a talent and therefore it makes zero sense for her to be wasting her time on the sinking, embarrassing ship of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm bypassing her dress choice because it mostly reminded me of a fancy folded silk napkin which only made me want a fancy hamburger and also french fries and see this is why I didn't bring it up. What must it be like to attend an evening celebrating the best in film to have someone ask you about a movie franchise based on Twilight fan fiction? I imagine it'd be like me attending the Pulitzer Prize ceremony to discuss my latest handmade pop-up book.

Chris Evans has fallen victim to the Zefron effect

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Scientists have only recently coined the Zefron phenomenon (named after Zac Efron, duh), which is most commonly recognized by the presence of a plethora of films featuring horrendous acting but so many shirtless scenes that you forget your brain is slowly dying from exposure to the terribleness. Okay and some of you are up in arms like "He's Captain America!" and all that other BS, which I agree, his acting chops were really put to work in that skintight muscle suit. And he had to hold a shield! True Renaissance Man! Anyway, I'll see myself out.

WHO RUN THE WORLD

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I didn't include Janelle, Taraji and Octavia in the best dressed list above because they deserved their own standalone mention. I remain saltier than a crushed bag of Fritos over the fact that Taraji and Janelle didn't get nominations and honestly that Hidden Figures didn't win more. My caps lock can't quite express my thoughts on this iconic trio and their absolute fashion slayage and the fact that they brought out the real Katherine Johnson, so I'll let Beyonce help me.

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I demand a recount.

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Reminder that Casey Affleck is literal garbage and settled lawsuits by two women for sexual misconduct and harassment. This is the second time Brie Larson has had to present this human stain with an award and she was once again not having it. Still professional, but who says you have to clap for crap? NO ONE. Anyway, for more looks of disgust, here's Emma and Viola:

Because they realize that as creepy and disgusting as Casey looks on the outside, he's infinitely more creepy and disgusting on the inside. I only hope one of them yelled "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US" at some point.

And bonus, Chrissy T sleeping during his acceptance speech with a special appearance of Ali V. not giving a rat's ass.

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Sometimes a recount does happen.

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Let me start off by saying I loved La La Land. It's a feel good movie that kind of helps you escape the current shit storm we're in and it's beautiful to watch. But you guys, Moonlight literally hits you right in the heart and makes it ache. An absolutely amazing story complemented by unbelievable performances with ridiculous cinematography. So, when La La Land was mistakenly announced, I felt a flashback to Adele beating Beyonce at the Grammys. But before this flashback could fully materialize, the Oscars Kanye'd themselves declaring Moonlight the actual winner. And it was all very confusing and like YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO. DO NOT SCREW UP THE BIGGEST AWARD OF THE NIGHT. This is like preparing Christmas dinner and paying close attention to the cranberry sauce and stuffing but then forgetting to cook the turkey all the way. NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR RAW TURKEY, OSCARS. 

Anyway, was glad to see Moonlight get its due credit. And the cast and crews reactions!

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Per tradition, obligatory Chrissy T

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At this point, you know me well enough that I don't have to express my somewhat creepy undying love for CT and the fact that she and John are so beautiful together that I randomly weep thinking about them. BUT THIS DRESS AND ITS CAPE COMPONENT! Also, the day before the show, our beloved Chrissy tweeted this out, therefore bringing us full circle with the Vikander effect:

Generally wondering, what happens to those celeb seat cards? Is there just some trash can outside the Kodak Theater full of them on the day of the show? And how accessible is this trash can? And how tall is it? Would one need a ladder to access it? Asking for a friend.

And that's it! Per usual, a long ass show but this time with a dramatic ending. I leave you with this moment that has created a fear that Nicole Kidman will kill me with her seal fins or lobster claws or whatever these things are. She's getting really sloppy with these "human woman" costumes she's choosing to wear.

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What did we learn from the 2016 Oscars?

MY COMPLAINING FINALLY WORKED. During E!'s pre-show coverage, Giuliana was banished (that might be a dramatic choice of word) from the red carpet, having to report from the Roosevelt Hotel across the street. While we were still subjected to Seacrest, it was 50% less terrible. Kind of like taking half a shot of acid as opposed to a full shot.

So Seacrest. He refused to interview Sacha Baron Cohen, as our dear Ryan has been holding a grudge since Sacha, who while in character as The Dictator years ago, poured ashes over our tiny bumblebee. Nonetheless, he still went over to Seacrest, giving us this moment:

Look how uncomfortable Lady Seacrest is. Discomfort or Botox, who knows. I imagine his inner-voice sounds something like Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless," and at this moment was screeching "HOW DARE YOU, AS IF."

Addressing some of the dresses:

Saoirse Ronan has boobs you guys. She wants us to know. Not gonna lie, I loved this gown color and her whole make-up and hair situation. Probably the most grown up she's looked, which is a good thing because I find it hard to not see her as the shitty little girl in "Atonement" (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT JAMES MCAVOY AND KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER? I WILL NEVER FORGET).

Keeping with the green theme, let's bask in the aura of Rachel McAdams.  Based on how frumpy she was in "True Detective" and "Spotlight," you might have forgotten that Rachel is more smokin' than a pork roast at a country picnic. And I love a good pork roast. Normally, I'm not a fan of the slicked back hair look (unless you're J.Law), but she is absolutely pulling this off. Totally dig the mono-leg situation because you essentially only have to shave one of your legs. For all we know, Rachel has a Bigfoot-hairy leg. Movie stars do not have time to shave both legs.

While I loved J.Law's actual Oscars dress, I preferred her dress for the Vanity Fair after party. This is what we call the "OH-DAMN-GIRL" dress. "OH DAMN GIRL, DAT LEG DOE." The dress' cut, the mono-leg allowing for a hidden hairy leg, the shoes, the hair. And I know, it seems like I just love everything J.Law wears, but, that's only because I do. J.Law is like ketchup. She just goes great with everything. I also enjoy the midriff situation because I feel like it's comfortable to air out your belly during such a long night. They had In-n-Out burgers inside the event and I'd like to imagine J.Law ate one then rubbed her bare belly afterward. My friends are hilarious and relatable.

I'm now realizing that my two favorite Oscars dresses are green and my two favorite after party dress are black. Which must mean that my fashion taste is right being that I agree with myself. In a way, Swifty's dress takes notes from all three of the dresses above. She also wants us to know she has boobs (which, congrats!). But she isn't solely emphasizing the mono-leg, meaning she had to actually shave both legs (rookie mistake). Love the color and the cut of this though. But, I bet once she got inside, sitting down was so uncomfortable. You know how when you wear a dress with a slit, you're just in a constant struggle between a thigh cramp and actually exposing your uterus. Though, to be fair, she's Taylor Swift. She has people who can sit for her. Duh.

Notes from the show. You've already read everywhere that Leo won. Kate cried. Gaga was robbed. Sam Smith wasn't quite as good now that he's Skinny Sam. And Mad Max won mad awards (I'm hilarious). Here's some other gems:

My twin, Priyanka Chopra, continues her reign.

Only Priyanka can wear a low ponytail with a middle part and look like a glamazon. The rest of us look like we're just getting out of our Joey boat on Dawson's Creek. I can't even imagine sitting near her at a show, mostly because I'm afraid I would creep the shit out of her (I've learned that continually staring at someone without blinking is deemed "strange"). I feel like she is someone who just moves through life in slow motion, hair swishing about, with a face that has never had a zit or imperfection before. 

Alicia Vikander + Fassbender = CANNOT COMPUTE, BEAUTY OVERLOAD

Do you think they met one day and thought "Oh wow, you're ridiculously good looking, and I'm ridiculously good looking, we should be outrageously good looking together." That's exactly how I imagine their first date went. In a room full of mirrors so they could soak in their own beauty. They're like the couple that comes in the stock photo of an overpriced picture frame from Crate & Barrel. I bet they only do sophisticated things together. Like go to the foreign cinema before eating at a French restaurant. They probably don't wear a t-shirt from high school with sweatpants while eating mac & cheese from a family-sized cooking dish and watching Teen Mom. 

Men are assholes. All hail the Beaven.

So Jenny Beaven won Best Costume Design for Mad Max and while going to the stage, passed by all these sour-faced, old men. Worst of all is Alejandro González Iñárritu with his toddler "I WANT COOKIES" crossed arms and smug look. Are you actually kidding me. Sure, maybe they don't know who she is. But when someone wins one of the biggest awards of their life and they walk by you, YOU MOTHER FRACKING CLAP. Bottom line here: Beaven is a queen and these men are selfish, arrogant assholes who deserve to be throat punched.

Lezbehonest with ourselves about Cate Blanchett.

Let's all stop pretending like we'd turn down an opportunity to have an affair with Cate Blanchett. Seriously. I still haven't seen "Carol," but I find the premise extremely believable purely based on Cate's face. To be completely honest, I waiver between being entranced by her face and being scared shitless that she may murder me. And I like to toe that line. Okay also, please take note of Jennifer Garner in the background. Getting rid of that terrible rash, Ben Affleck, really did wonders for her skin and overall glow.

Operation Entrap Tom Hardy is underway.

It was very difficult to track down a photo where Tom Hardy was not posing with this woman. It's almost like he brought her as his date and calls her his "wife." Almost. Right so Tom is smart. He caught wind of my plan to entrap him with a baby and in response, wore sunglasses. As, I'm sure you are aware, he has the ability to impregnate with simply a look. I've been trying to make eye contact with him for years. 

Brie went 3-for-3.

Golden Globe. SAG. Oscar. Check, check, check. No surprise and also I would've burned this place down had she not won. It's hard to believe Brie started out on Disney, including this amazing music video. Anyway, this was just one of the many presh Briemories of the night. I'm really hoping she uses her newfound level of fame for something good -- like creation of her own cheese brand (Brie's Brie, duh). Or record label (R&Brie Records). Or coastal restaurant (Sea-Brie's).

Final notes: Great dresses. Long show. More awkward moments than me in middle school. Obligatory CT gif to close out the night.