What did we learn from the 2018 Oscars?

For comparison, I could have watched both VHS tapes of Titanic, rewound them, and watched again in the time it took this year's Oscars to finish. So now that I've aged and am full of wisdom, let's chat.

Oh E! honey, please have a seat
For the most part, major stars (ahem, the ladies) avoided chatting with Seacrusty, but I was still curious to see if someone would call him out about the sexual harassment allegations against him by a former stylist. And lo and behold, Cookie Lyon delivered:

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Take off your sunglasses and put on a sweater, because there is plenty of shade here. I was screaming. And okay, sure she was talking about introducing Mary J. Blige later on in the night, but y'all. The way she touched his chin while saying, "You know what I mean?" Plus, when she moved on to the reporter next to Seacrest and was asked how she was doing, she replied "Great, now that I'm in your company." TARAJI P. HENSON FOR PRESIDENT.

Aside from Taraji, a few notable people stopped by, including Tiffany Haddish and Allison Janney, but for the most part, Seacrappy mostly got the white dudes. SHOCKING. As this ship continued to sink, the last hour of E!'s red carpet was literally just Rancic and Brad Goreski commenting on photos of dresses alongside former Teen Vogue Editor-in-Chief Elaine Welteroth.

First off, shoutout to Rancic for piecing together bits of cotton candy to create this dress. How is it not dissolving! Amazing! Secondly, how did Elaine not lose her shit being around this insane level of idiocy? A quick summary on her: When she took over as editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue last year, she became the youngest and the second person of color EVER to head a Conde Nast publication. At 29. TWENTY NINE YEARS OLD. She left the magazine last month and I guess this is her way of decompressing. Anyway, she looked phenomenal, which is a great segue into...

Best dressed
While my usuals — Emma Stone, Laura Dern, Margot Robbie — looked amazing, no one topped Jennifer of House Garner:

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SYDNEY BRISTOW DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU HOES. I was and am still screaming about this. It's amazing what shedding 225 lbs of Affleck will do for your skin and body and overall aura. This blue gown complete with a cape and the simple elegant wavy hair and that smokey eye! It's physically exhausting to not use all caps here. I've been a fan of hers since Alias and yes, even Daredevil (MEANING I'M VERY LOYAL), so I'm glad to see that that huge Hooflack zit she carried around for so long didn't have a lasting effect.

Best Helen Mirren

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Here is our queen just casually taking a shot of tequila while walking the carpet. I'd like to think that woman next to her with her hand out is her assistant saying "Come on Helen, we took 6 shots in the limo ride over. Please don't black out like you did at the SAG Awards." H.Mirr does what she wants! Plus she knew the show was about to be 16 hours long and there's no better way to get through that than with liquid courage that enables you to flirtatiously banter with Chadwick Boseman about him being Black Panther and you being a cougar.

As a note, I'm not including all of the winners below because I assume you all do not want commentary on every single second of the marathon show. Also, in general, the Oscars are pretty boring (THERE I SAID IT) partly because it's the last show of the season so we already know who will win and Academy voters are ridiculously predictable and also because the celebs are not given booze! It's like going to a wedding that features no open bar.

Let's begin with the things I was most excited about:

Jordan Peele!

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The first black screenwriter to win Best Original Screenplay! Which, in my expert opinion is the only true writer's category because sorry bout it, but taking something that has already been published and trimming bits to create a movie is not the most creative thing (sorry Best Adapted Screenplay). This year, there were only two real contenders: Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Jordan Peele's "Get Out" because I'm not saying Guillermo Del Toro stole his film idea from a published playright, but I mean that playright's family is definitely saying that.

While I would've been happy with a Greta win, Jordan 100% deserved it. "Get Out" was THEEEEE most original film of the year. It was so carefully thought out and developed and the opposite of the bland boiled ham movies that the Oscar voters are used to. And look, "Get Out" is on HBO Go now, so you all have no reason whatsoever to not watch it because we all know you have your neighbor's ex-wife's mom's cat's password, so just do it.

Allison Janney!

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Our girl went 3-for-3 (Golden Globe, SAG, Oscar)! And this was her FIRST nomination and her FIRST time attending the Oscars. I was actually pretty shocked to learn that she hadn't been nominated before, particularly for her role as Ms. Perky in "10 Things I Hate About You" or as Juno's dog-obsessed mom.

I have to point out that Allison's category, Best Supporting Actress, was hands-down the most competitive one with THE BEST performances of the year. Honestly, the Oscars should've done away with Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor and given those two trophies to Laurie Metcalf and Octavia Spencer. And I'm not talking shit about Gary Oldman but I mean, even I could play Winston Churchill if you put 15 lbs of makeup and prosthetics on my face. And not to discount Sam Rockwell's performance except no wait, here's a 50% off tag because literally any other mushy ex-frat bro could've played him in Billboards.

Frances McDormand!
Let me caveat this by saying I loved Frances McDormand in "Three Billboards" and we all knew she would win this. I'm sure you all have read the criticisms of the film, so I'll just say that there are problematic elements to it and there's a reason the director wasn't nominated. But Frances is simply amazing in it and absolutely the reason the film has received most of its accolades. During her speech, she asked all of the female nominees in the room to stand and dear God it warmed my frozen beef patty heart:

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I caveated this because while I have enjoyed all of Frances' speeches this season and her no nonsense appeal, I was holding on to a tiny inkling of hope that Margot Robbie would swoop in with the upset. I thought she had the performance of the year, which, if you see "I, Tonya," I think you'll agree. And like I said, the women had outstanding performances this year — head and shoulders above most of the men. In such a stacked year, I'm sad Margot didn't get as much recognition for a role she so meticulously and flawlessly performed.

Back to Frances, she ended her speech by reminding people to request an inclusion rider in their contracts, which requires films to include a certain level of diversity in its cast AND crew.

Girls Trip 2!

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Every year, the Oscars tease us with a coupling who should do a movie together — one year it was Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, the next it was Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence and this year, it was Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph. They had, quite literally, the only funny bit of the night, where they assured everyone that the Oscars were still pretty white. Also, Tiffany wore that white Alexander McQueen gown again, which I am 110% here for. Looking forward to having them host everything from now on, thanks, I'm glad Hollywood always take my opinion into account.

All of my boyfriends!

I've ordered my suitors here from youngest to oldest because I have a wide range of interests (and I can't believe I have to keep reminding y'all, but Shawn Mendes is 19, LEAVE US ALONE). So Shawn and Donald Glover only attended the Vanity Fair after party, which tbh is the best part of the Oscars if not just for the pics of A-listers eating In-n-Out. Mahershala, who won Best Supporting Actor last year, presented Allison Janney with her prize while wearing what appeared to be two-button down shirts at once. Even clothes love him so much that they all want to be on him at once.

Also, my advice to anyone is to diversify your portfolio to be able to attend max award show events. If you'll notice, Shawn is in music, Donald Glover is on TV (and in music, omg he does it all) and Mahershala is in film (and also TV, omg he does it all too). It's important to have a date to the Grammys, Emmys and Oscars.

StoneLaw!
Okay, so Emma Stone wasn't nominated this year, but she did wear a pants suit and was seated next to J.Law:

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At this point, I believe J.Law might have been 2-3 white wines deep and Emma's thinking about how she will likely have to clean up vomit later. For reference on the wine, here we have a wild J.Law, pre-show, climbing over some seats without spilling a drop!

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The fact that she's doing this in a heavy ass gown and stilettos is impressive in itself, but throw in the glass of wine and it's something you add to your resume. Have you ever jumped over seats in a theater? It always seems easy in your mind until you go to stretch your leg and realize you are not as nimble as you remember and you inevitably end up awkwardly straddling the top of the seat before giving your inner thigh seat burn as you drag it to the other side. Anyway, while J.Law athletically drank, our girl Emma kept that boss ass bitch pants suit flame going when she introduced the Best Director category:

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I WAS HOLLERING. HOLLERING, Y'ALL. Apparently, some people (read: men) had an issue with Emma saying this, but I mean, it's fact. Four dudes and one Greta. Aside from Greta and Jordan Peele, I hated this category because the Academy failed to nominate Dee Rees and Patty Jenkins. Which, me hating things is a good segue into...

Things I screamed NOOOO at:

Guillermo Del Toro
Alright, so did I like "The Shape of Water"? No. But I mean, did I think that Guillermo Del Toro was a genius director who deserved to beat Greta Gerwig and Jordan Peele? ALSO NO.

Here is how I imagine Guillermo's creative process went with directing Shape of Water: "Hmm...I think this part needs more boobs" and also "This part definitely needs more boobs" and also "This part with the more boobs, there should also be sex with the fish man."

The Shape of Water, in general
Before I continue sipping on this gallon of Shape of Water haterade, I want to note that I did think the cinematography and score were lovely. Those paired with Octavia Spencer ALMOST made me like the film. ALMOST. But I just could not get over the core element of, oh you know, Sally Hawkins having sex with a fish-dinosaur man. And whatever I guess call me old-fashioned for not having the brain capacity to comprehend wanting to have sex with a creature that has gills and webbed hands and a smooth area that looks like a Ken doll. Don't get me wrong, I understood her caring about the fish-dino-man, because I mean it is a living creature. Kind of like how I love giraffes and would not like them to be hunted and killed. But do I want to have sex with giraffes? Um, no (where did you think that was going).

I assumed the Best Picture race was down to "The Shape of Water," "Three Billboards" and "Get Out." Ever the optimistic one, I thought the Academy's efforts to diversify its membership would boost "Get Out," but it seems there are still too many white men and not enough golf courses for them to retire to. And I guess Water winning was better than "The Post" or "The Darkest Hour" or "Dunkirk," all of which are piping cups of pandering tea to old Oscar voters.

Speaking of these, Christopher Nolan really should've considered featuring a scene in "Dunkirk" of Harry Styles singing a medley of One Direction hits. I bet that would've amplified the film to new levels. And "The Post" should've considered giving Meryl Streep more than 10 lines. But what do I know.

And so we concluded the night on a fishy note and I wondered where the last four hours of life went.

Final thoughts
WHERE THE HELL WERE MICHELLE WILLIAMS AND BUSY PHILIPPS?! Without them, we received no moments like this from last year's "La La Land" debacle:

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Busy Philipps actually admitted that her husband had this photo framed for her, which omg same. Luckily, Jennifer Garner was ever so generous and provided us with the most meme'd moment of the night:

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Here is a list of things I believe she could have been realizing in this moment:

- "Shit, did I leave my cell phone in the bathroom"
- "Wait, there is no way Arya and Sansa will both make it to the end of Game of Thrones"
- "Allison Williams' Get Out character ate the Froot Loops and the milk SEPARATELY"
- "Dora isn't really an explorer because she only goes into mapped territory"
- "Dogs are only a part of our life, but we are their ENTIRE life"

And that wraps up awards show season! Or well, officially. I'll be covering any and all events or gatherings or brunches with more than 2 celebs, so stay tuned.

See you all later this week as we drag ourselves to the finish line of The Bachelor!

What did we learn from the 2016 Oscars?

MY COMPLAINING FINALLY WORKED. During E!'s pre-show coverage, Giuliana was banished (that might be a dramatic choice of word) from the red carpet, having to report from the Roosevelt Hotel across the street. While we were still subjected to Seacrest, it was 50% less terrible. Kind of like taking half a shot of acid as opposed to a full shot.

So Seacrest. He refused to interview Sacha Baron Cohen, as our dear Ryan has been holding a grudge since Sacha, who while in character as The Dictator years ago, poured ashes over our tiny bumblebee. Nonetheless, he still went over to Seacrest, giving us this moment:

Look how uncomfortable Lady Seacrest is. Discomfort or Botox, who knows. I imagine his inner-voice sounds something like Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless," and at this moment was screeching "HOW DARE YOU, AS IF."

Addressing some of the dresses:

Saoirse Ronan has boobs you guys. She wants us to know. Not gonna lie, I loved this gown color and her whole make-up and hair situation. Probably the most grown up she's looked, which is a good thing because I find it hard to not see her as the shitty little girl in "Atonement" (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT JAMES MCAVOY AND KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER? I WILL NEVER FORGET).

Keeping with the green theme, let's bask in the aura of Rachel McAdams.  Based on how frumpy she was in "True Detective" and "Spotlight," you might have forgotten that Rachel is more smokin' than a pork roast at a country picnic. And I love a good pork roast. Normally, I'm not a fan of the slicked back hair look (unless you're J.Law), but she is absolutely pulling this off. Totally dig the mono-leg situation because you essentially only have to shave one of your legs. For all we know, Rachel has a Bigfoot-hairy leg. Movie stars do not have time to shave both legs.

While I loved J.Law's actual Oscars dress, I preferred her dress for the Vanity Fair after party. This is what we call the "OH-DAMN-GIRL" dress. "OH DAMN GIRL, DAT LEG DOE." The dress' cut, the mono-leg allowing for a hidden hairy leg, the shoes, the hair. And I know, it seems like I just love everything J.Law wears, but, that's only because I do. J.Law is like ketchup. She just goes great with everything. I also enjoy the midriff situation because I feel like it's comfortable to air out your belly during such a long night. They had In-n-Out burgers inside the event and I'd like to imagine J.Law ate one then rubbed her bare belly afterward. My friends are hilarious and relatable.

I'm now realizing that my two favorite Oscars dresses are green and my two favorite after party dress are black. Which must mean that my fashion taste is right being that I agree with myself. In a way, Swifty's dress takes notes from all three of the dresses above. She also wants us to know she has boobs (which, congrats!). But she isn't solely emphasizing the mono-leg, meaning she had to actually shave both legs (rookie mistake). Love the color and the cut of this though. But, I bet once she got inside, sitting down was so uncomfortable. You know how when you wear a dress with a slit, you're just in a constant struggle between a thigh cramp and actually exposing your uterus. Though, to be fair, she's Taylor Swift. She has people who can sit for her. Duh.

Notes from the show. You've already read everywhere that Leo won. Kate cried. Gaga was robbed. Sam Smith wasn't quite as good now that he's Skinny Sam. And Mad Max won mad awards (I'm hilarious). Here's some other gems:

My twin, Priyanka Chopra, continues her reign.

Only Priyanka can wear a low ponytail with a middle part and look like a glamazon. The rest of us look like we're just getting out of our Joey boat on Dawson's Creek. I can't even imagine sitting near her at a show, mostly because I'm afraid I would creep the shit out of her (I've learned that continually staring at someone without blinking is deemed "strange"). I feel like she is someone who just moves through life in slow motion, hair swishing about, with a face that has never had a zit or imperfection before. 

Alicia Vikander + Fassbender = CANNOT COMPUTE, BEAUTY OVERLOAD

Do you think they met one day and thought "Oh wow, you're ridiculously good looking, and I'm ridiculously good looking, we should be outrageously good looking together." That's exactly how I imagine their first date went. In a room full of mirrors so they could soak in their own beauty. They're like the couple that comes in the stock photo of an overpriced picture frame from Crate & Barrel. I bet they only do sophisticated things together. Like go to the foreign cinema before eating at a French restaurant. They probably don't wear a t-shirt from high school with sweatpants while eating mac & cheese from a family-sized cooking dish and watching Teen Mom. 

Men are assholes. All hail the Beaven.

So Jenny Beaven won Best Costume Design for Mad Max and while going to the stage, passed by all these sour-faced, old men. Worst of all is Alejandro González Iñárritu with his toddler "I WANT COOKIES" crossed arms and smug look. Are you actually kidding me. Sure, maybe they don't know who she is. But when someone wins one of the biggest awards of their life and they walk by you, YOU MOTHER FRACKING CLAP. Bottom line here: Beaven is a queen and these men are selfish, arrogant assholes who deserve to be throat punched.

Lezbehonest with ourselves about Cate Blanchett.

Let's all stop pretending like we'd turn down an opportunity to have an affair with Cate Blanchett. Seriously. I still haven't seen "Carol," but I find the premise extremely believable purely based on Cate's face. To be completely honest, I waiver between being entranced by her face and being scared shitless that she may murder me. And I like to toe that line. Okay also, please take note of Jennifer Garner in the background. Getting rid of that terrible rash, Ben Affleck, really did wonders for her skin and overall glow.

Operation Entrap Tom Hardy is underway.

It was very difficult to track down a photo where Tom Hardy was not posing with this woman. It's almost like he brought her as his date and calls her his "wife." Almost. Right so Tom is smart. He caught wind of my plan to entrap him with a baby and in response, wore sunglasses. As, I'm sure you are aware, he has the ability to impregnate with simply a look. I've been trying to make eye contact with him for years. 

Brie went 3-for-3.

Golden Globe. SAG. Oscar. Check, check, check. No surprise and also I would've burned this place down had she not won. It's hard to believe Brie started out on Disney, including this amazing music video. Anyway, this was just one of the many presh Briemories of the night. I'm really hoping she uses her newfound level of fame for something good -- like creation of her own cheese brand (Brie's Brie, duh). Or record label (R&Brie Records). Or coastal restaurant (Sea-Brie's).

Final notes: Great dresses. Long show. More awkward moments than me in middle school. Obligatory CT gif to close out the night.

What did we learn from the 2016 Golden Globes?

We're back in the most wonderful time of the year: awards show season! I've decided to emerge from my social media rock, put pants on and provide some delightfully insightful insights, because celebrity news is extremely important and also because two of my best friends are in med school/residency and I need them to stay up-to-date on what opinions they should have regarding pop culture.

I obviously watched the Seacrest/Rancic pre-shitshow on E!, which made me feel like Cersei at the end of last season's Game of Thrones. Pretty shitty and shameful. So let's move onto the good stuff:


Squinting has really become a thing. Or everyone is sleepy.

I'm unsure of what Hollywood calls staring at the camera while making your eyes smaller. If we're being PC, I guess we could call it "Asianing." Emilia Clarke dominates the Asianing game. The whole "look at how small my eyes are, I must be Esquire Magazine's 2015 Sexiest Woman of the Year." It's quite the talent. I'm terrible at it and I am actually Asian. Any time I try Asianing, my eyes are closed. All the way. And everyone knows you can't go full Asian.


Channing Tatum started working at Hot Topic.

Look, he didn't even want to attend because the Golden Globes are so mainstream and he'd rather be listening to underground indie artists like Fall Out Boy and Simple Plan. He just wants you to leave him alone so he can focus on his music, okay.

I get this 'do is for the new Gambit movie, but come on, it's 2016. If only there were these pieces of hair you could attach to your head to change the length of your hair. That we could possibly call hair extensions. One day people. We'll think of these revolutionary inventions.




I think I may like beards now.

In general, I find beards scratchy and kind of gross. But I suppose that's just when I'm growing mine out. I imagine most of them are full of dried cheese and like oatmeal or something. But Chris Evans has really shown me the light. And by "light," I"m referring to his outrageously good-looking face. I legitimately started weeping when he came on stage because he is more beautiful than a newly opened jar of Nutella.


Leo is all of us.

Okay, first off, I'm 99% sure this whole Gaga winning a Golden Globe is some sort of elaborate hoax that plays into her next album. But let's focus on Leo's reaction. That is exactly how I look when I'm trying not to touch anything/anyone on the subway. Or when someone sneezes on something near me.  Or when there's raw meat nearby. Or when humans in general are in my vicinity.

SCHULAW 2016.

No amount of caps lock can capture the level of obsession I feel over this. Reminds me of the first time I had a fried chicken biscuit from Sunrise Biscuit Kitchen in Chapel Hill. At the time I wondered, "Will I ever experience a love like this again?" Yes, yes I would. I'm thinking about getting SchuLaw tattooed on my lower back. Above the tattoo I have of a dolphin jumping over rose thorns.

Also, I'm 95% sure they have parties with Anna Kendrick and Emma Stone while Adele sings karaoke and this is something I want to partake in. It actually baffles me that, after all of the vials of blood and locks of hair I've sent along with notes written out with words clipped from a magazine, they haven't invited me. Maybe I've got the wrong address. #ASchuLawMac


Our time machine's travels to 2002 worked!

No really, is this from last night's Golden Globes or is it from the 2002 Teen Choice Awards? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Also, someone started a rumor that I've seen every season of One Tree Hill and that Blue Crush was my favorite movie for 2 years. I mean, did I try to buy the Billabong shirt Kate Bosworth wore in the movie but it was always sold out at PacSun? And did I have the soundtracks to One Tree Hill? WE'LL NEVER KNOW.



Yes. I definitely like beards.

Let it be known that I liked John Krasinski before he was beefy. After the phenomenon of him and Chris Pratt, it makes me ask: When men start working out, does a beard just magically appear? Is this a side effect? I wish this happened when I worked out. Not the beard part, I don't need to work out for that to happen. More like, what if when I lifted weights, I suddenly had Chrissy Teigen's hair and Emilia Clarke's face. Is this possible?






Final thoughts: The Martian was a comedy? Where were Amy Poehler and Tina Fey? Why was Katy Perry there? Should I get bangs? Why won't Chrissy Teigen return my calls?

Cheers to the season!

What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!