What Did We Learn from the 2013 Oscars?

THE PROM OF AWARDS SHOW SEASON, YA'LL! Let me start this post off by stating that I watched half of the Red Carpet show on E! prior to them being kicked off the carpet. I'm assuming partially due to Seacrest's face and general idiocy breaking their cameras. Either way, I watched the last half on ABC, which, for unexplainable reasons, allowed Kristin Chenoweth to screech her way through several interviews.

So, just a few pre-show notes:

Kelly Osbourne has only two statements prepared for critiquing dresses on the Red Carpet:
(1) "OH MY GOD. SHE IS GORGEOUS. I AM OBSESSED."
(2) "SHE LOOKS STUNNING. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL."
As you can tell, she's quite well spoken. And caps lock doesn't do her justice, as she literally was exclaiming both of those comments. E! picks some winners, I'm telling you.

E! stayed on air long enough for them to completely fail the Princess of Awards Show Season, Jennifer Lawrence, when she did the following:

WHAT, J.LAW AND EMMA STONE, BEST FRANDS? That's right folks. However, apparently the camera wasn't working, or as Seacrest fumbled, "We need to get a longer cord." That camera and you both, Seacrest.

I'm not offering any commentary on Kristin Chenoweth, as I'm about 85% positive that she is a gnome who will eventually haunt my dreams.

Anyway, onto notable moments of the show:

By "show" I'm not referring to the first hour and a half of the Oscars, where they handed out awards such as "Best Use of a Make-Up Brush" and "Sound Editing of Sounds Not Related to Explosions." I'm pretty sure those were two of the close races. Show producers should really give us an itinerary ahead of time. Perhaps with the all caps notes of "WATCH HERE FOR: ADELE" as that was really the most important part of the evening.

If you're wondering who the overall winner of the Oscars was, it was in fact, ADELE.

She added an Oscar to her awards collection. Meaning that so far, this season, she's won a Golden Globe, a Grammy, and an Oscar. She'll probably win the NBA Finals next.

One of my favorite moments of the night was when Sandra Bullock presented and made this face:

And then when J.Law won Best Actress (and no one was surprised, but her feet) and tripped walking up to the stage:

I enjoy that she took a moment to silently weep into the stairs after tripping. Only J.Law can play off tripping onto one of the biggest stages for actors. Good thing it wasn't in front of Meryl Streep or Sally Field. I hear they're considering letting her sit at their table.

Also, previously on the Red Carpet, when she was forced to tolerate Seacrest, he asked her if she ate something fatty prior to arriving. To which, she replied that she hadn't had time to eat and was hoping for free food inside, and then she made this expression, further proof that she is my spirit animal:

There were several performances stemmed from musical theater throughout the night, but none of them are worth mentioning except for Helena Bonham Carter during the "Les Miserables" number:

Aside from this shot, she sort stayed out of the spotlight of the performance, standing towards the back corner, like the nonchalant HBIC she is. Also, at one point, I swear, she was attempting to lip lyrics in that way when you're unsure of the words. You know, when you're just saying "Peas and Carrots" over and over, hoping that no one can tell you didn't rehearse. LIKE A BOSS.

Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor for "Django Unchained," and further cemented himself as one of my unexplainable crushes.

Seriously. I don't know what it is about this silver fox, but I think if I met him in person, I'd just giggle like a 13 year old girl while staring at the ground. Perhaps it's the pronunciation of his name in combination with his semi-accent. IT'S A MEDICAL MYSTERY, YA'LL.

Ben Affleck and "Argo" won for Best Picture, a well-deserved win for the Hooflack. 

He and Jennifer Garner continue to melt my heart like two puppies snuggling together under a blanket. They induce this involuntary "AW" reaction, which was in full form when he thanked her, but clarified that he does not associate her with Iran. Aw, precious. I hope my husband says that to me during our vows.

Other honorable mentions include Kristen Stewart continuing to fail at everything involving being a human and Jessica Chastain continuing her reign as Queen of the Gingers.

Not too shabby this year, I mean, aside from the first 90 minutes of the show. Biggest overall takeaways from the Oscars and this awards show season in general:

1. Ben Affleck has reclaimed my heart.

2. Anne Hathaway is still trying to top her role in "The Princess Diaries." Tough one.

3. Jennifer Lawrence should star in a movie with a soundtrack by Adele. They'd win absolutely everything.

4. Awards shows should stop taking away from their legitimacy by inviting people like Jessica Alba and Kristen Stewart to their prestigious events. Isn't there a screening process?

Lastly, in 2016, I'm voting for Michelle Obama and Meryl Streep for the White House. And Hillary Clinton. They'll win as the first trifecta-President-VP-HBIC. Success!