What did we learn from the 2020 Golden Globes?

Welcome to awards show season! We're kicking things off with the Golden Globes, which spoiler alert, for the 77th consecutive year I was not invited to nor did I win any of the categories I was not nominated in. Truly appalling.

Despite that, it's a new year and I'm feeling kinder and jk we must still begin every post by criticizing Rancic and Seacrest. I REFUSE TO CHANGE.

I need to know how many Barbies made the ultimate sacrifice to create this wig. I also need to know how many bags of Cheetos it took to fill the tub she must have soaked in to become this color. Doesn't she have any friends who are like, "Hey G, let's put the orange markers down and let's take that wig back to the set of Toddlers & Tiaras and just get you something natural"? Baffling.

Not to be outdone at this Mensa meeting, Seacrest reminded us he's still a genius interviewer by asking Gwenny Paltrow what she has in her pantry (RIVETING). I can't remember exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like organic moon dust, whittle shavings, grass fed cashew shells from Mars and rare bananas grown in 1898 kept fresh in a cryogenic chamber. Honestly, those are pretty reasonable considering she hasn't been a permanent resident of planet Earth since 1998.

Onto fashion because as someone who wore popped collars for a period in high school, I obviously have highly technical notes about the evening:

Best Christmas Tree

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Only Jodie Comer can wear a dress that has the silhouette of a Lindt truffle wrapper and make it look great. She is literally......a snack (yes I hate me too). This dress, which seems to just be one giant silk sheet, looks comfortable as hell. So you know who was comfortably able to drink 15 mini bottles of Moet & Chandon without showing a sign of bloat? This girl. AND POCKETS!! Pockets alone make a dress worthy of all best dressed lists.

Best Laura Dern Looking Laura Dern

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For all you historians out there (they're big fans of the blog), bohemian dresses were invented by Laura Dern in the year of our Dern 2010. This would look tacky and frumpy on almost anyone else because no one has the white lady swag of Laura Dern. It is why she is my #2 favorite white lady (#1 is my mom, FYI).

Best Awards Show Debut Look

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Ana de Armas' knives are OUT (yes I know that's the cliched response to her, WHATEVS). Yes, pockets! Yes, sequins! Yes middle part! What ultimately complements this look IS THAT BROW RAISE. GIRL. Someone clearly watched a pre-Globes marathon of "America's Next Top Model" because her smizing is off the charts. This was her first awards show (and first nomination) so can't wait to see what those brows bring to the SAG Awards and Oscars.

Also I'm sure I'll revisit this, but she sort of looks like a cross between Jenna Dewan and Megan Fox?

Best Saoirse Like Inertia

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I can't not say her name without remembering how she gets people to remember the pronunciation. Y'all might be thinking this dress is boring and honestly if Julianne Moore or Reese Witherspoon (or Without-her-spoon) wore it, it would be. But Saorise ain't usually out here wearing disco ball looking gowns served with a side boob and front slit, so this is a surprising and welcomed change for her.

She was nominated for "Little Women" and I cannot scream enough both online and in Target that I would watch movies directed by Greta Gerwig starring Saoirse and Timothee Chalamet FOREVER.

Best Visual Representation of What Your Stomach Feels Like After Eating Taco Bell's Entire Value Menu

Joey King was nominated for "The Act," which I did not watch because I still have not forgiven her for the hate crime that was "The Kissing Booth." The terribleness of it still gives me shivers.

To the show!

Mi'Busy 2020 is in full swing

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As is the norm when Michelle Williams acts in anything, she was nominated for an award. This year, for actress in a mini-series or TV movie for "Fosse/Verdon," which she obviously won. And here's Busy's reaction during Michelle's speech:

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Their friendship continues to be the best thing to come out of Dawson's Creek next to that hilarious time Katie Holmes sang "On My Own."

Because she wins 98% of the time she's nominated, Michelle always comes prepared with a meaningful speech that no stage manager would cue walk-off music for:

And because I am also prepared, here are the few audience shots I got of them:

Michelle's fiance Thomas Kail was also there, but the camera operators gave the people what they wanted.

Find someone who looks at you like Reese looks at Leo

This was during Brad's acceptance speech for supporting actor (we're all on a first name basis) and I don't blame Reese. Also does the shadow of her chair make her arm look really cut? Been working them delts. Anyway, Leo looking like a McDonald's hamburger — just not aging and juicy with no expiration date. I don't know if it's because of all the 20-year-old models he dates, but his skin is unbelievable. I'd like to applaud 10-year-old me because I clearly knew Leo was a long-term hottie and recognized it by hanging several foldout posters of him from BOP and BB. Chef's kiss.

I'm not crying you're crying

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I think we can all agree that in this bowl of soggy cereal that is Hollywood, Tom Hanks is the one crunchy and sweet piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (that complex metaphor means he stands out because he's genuine, wow keep up). His film career, much like both of Danity Kane's albums, is fully comprised of hits. So it makes sense that he finally won the Cecil B. DeMille Award. His four kids and Rita Wilson were at the show and he choked up thanking them and it was so freaking cute and maybe MAYBE I ALMOST cried. However, physically, I can only cry once per year and I'm saving that one time this year for when Rihanna releases a new album (sorry Tom).

Now, I know we all have our own opinions about which Tom Hanks movie is best but the thing is, if you're saying anything BESIDES "You've Got Mail" you are objectively wrong. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

And this seems like an approp time to share that I dated his son Colin in 2015. That's right. He was waiting in the lobby of my office building and I stood 5 ft away from him and we made eye contact for a solid 3 SECONDS. It was the most magical time of my life because when you know, you know.

Rounding this out by noting his other son Chet used to be a "rapper" who went by the name Chet Haze. I'll let you do your own Googling on that.

How mad is ScarJo that she isn't the first Asian to win this award

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Awkwafina won actress in a musical or comedy for "The Farewell," making her the first woman of Asian descent to win a lead actress Golden Globe for a film. Even though it's her debut into dramatic acting, Awkwafina is so so so good in this movie (that's based on experiences from director/writer Lulu Wang's life).

Speaking of Lulu Wang (who is a genius), I just need to note that she's in a relationship with Barry Jenkins (who is also a genius):

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Meaning they are just this gorgeous, amazingly creative and talented couple out here making movies like no one else. And just as he was snubbed for the directing award last year for "If Beale Street Could Talk," she was also snubbed this year. THE GLOBES LIVE TO DISAPPOINT!

In which I am also snubbed
Bong Joon-ho won the award for Foreign Film for "Parasite" and even though his English is pretty good, he brought a translator onstage who I was shocked to learn was not me?? So I'm sitting here all Korean looking like a chump??

It's almost as if no one thinks I am a legitimate Korean speaker even though I've watched more than 7 K-dramas AND know all of Blackpink's discography. Wow. The disrespect really jumps out.

Anyway, I know the name "Parasite" makes you think it's a weird horror film, but it's really not. It's more of a thriller with a side of comedy and has such an interesting and surprising storyline. It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes and now it's the first Korean film to be nominated for (and win!) a Golden Globe. Hoping it gets those Oscar noms!

ADAM DRIVER IS MARRIED??!

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I AM SHOCKED AND UPSET AND SHOCKINGLY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEWS. I immediately looked it up and his wife's name is Joanne and they got married in 2013 AND THEY HAVE A BABY???? Do you think this means their relationship is serious????

Regardless, like best friend Dr. Chloe says, "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score." Hahahaha she doesn't really say that (except when she does). The main takeaway here is while it's a bit unclear, I'm starting to think he might not want to date me. So I'm not going to end this section by saying something vulgar and suggestive like I've got something Adam can Drive. I'm not.

Speaking of my personal life...

I'm no longer dating Rami Malek
It's not because of anything he did (or because he has a girlfriend), it's just that I only have room in my life for one little pocket prince and that is now Timothee Chala-mother-may-I. Rami was upset that I sent him a DM with the news. Here he is about to run away like the Road Runner while eating that same piece of hard candy he's been eating since last awards season:

Cousin Greg is tall as hell

I mean, I knew this from watching "Succession," but seeing him onstage with his tiny cast members magnified his stilt-like nature. I looked it up and he's 6'5", but I swear he looks like he's 8'4" MINIMUM. I love how little 5'6" Kieran Culkin stood far from him because y'all, the first time I saw them next to each other onscreen was like seeing a pen next to a football goal post.

I'm gonna need everyone to watch both seasons of this show partially because it's wildly dramatic and entertaining and mostly because, can someone let me know if I think Jeremy Strong is attractive?

His bearded, manicured mountain man (what up consonance) look is playing with my emotions.

CHRIS EVANS

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That's it. That's the only note I took, just his name in all caps. His scruffy beard looks like a Brillo pad and AGAIN I am not going to be Josie Grossy and say something like if he's a Brillo pad, I am a dirty pan with baked on grease. I am not because I am mature.

Is this what all stepdads look like?

To recap: Zoe Kravitz's dad is Lenny, her mom is Lisa Bonet and her stepdad is Jason Mamoa. Which means their family photos just spontaneously combust from pure hotness, every year. It's why no one has received a Christmas card ever. And AGAIN, I am not going to sully this blog by saying something like I've got some Aqua he can Man. I don't say that stuff anymore!

When you grace a rinky dink awards show with your presence and still don't win

Beyonce and Jay-Z showed up during Phoebe Waller-Bridge's acceptance speech and surprisingly, stayed through the rest of the show. Even after Beyonce lost original song to Elton John. But I'm pretty sure, of all the A-listers in the room, Beyonce is the one celeb every other celeb wants to talk to so where's the trophy for that.

She also remained seated while everyone else gave Joaquin Phoenix a standing ovation when he won, because Bey knows he is not talented enough to be as weird as he is. Just the facts.

And that's it! The show only ran a little long (much like this post, holy crap). And honestly, the secretive process through which winners are decided is kind of bogus EXCEPT for when the actors and shows and movies that I want to win, win. In that case, they are correct and unbiased and make sense.

Glad to be back in the best season of the year with you all! A time that'll be rudely interrupted by The Bachelor — see you tomorrow for that!

Til then, find me still in a state of shock to learn that mayonnaise is really good? Did everyone already know this? And also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 Golden Globe Awards?

Welcome to awards show season! Aka the period of time in my life where my emotions are either extreme happiness or extreme anger with no in-between because I don't half-ass, I full ass everything. The Golden Globes remain the most entertaining because they cover movies and TV and more importantly, all of the celebs are boozed up on 7,500 glasses of champagne.

Ahead of the main event, I wanted to simulate the feeling of slamming my hand in a door, so I watched 100 hours of E!'s red carpet pre-show. Long lasting pain only topped by:

Cheers to another year of Rancic torturing us! Wait you know what, it's a new year and I'm mature and thoughtful and not up to trash talking her and...

Haha jk I absolutely am because she looks like what would happen if a bunch of Claire's jewelry came to life. Do you even think she remembers what her natural skin tone looks like?

And don't worry! Seacrest was on his usual BS. I'll let my friends Michael & Lupita, Julia and Timothee show us the three stages of talking with him:

1) You realize you're an accomplished actor in a designer outfit at a swanky affair talking to a scrub.
2) You realize he is asking you something dumb like, if pigeons drink gin is it just called pigin?
3) You realize you should probably fight him.

To better things...

Best dressed

OBVIOUSLY. I screamed. Something that my new neighbors were absolutely not prepared for. Y'ALL. GEMMA CHAN IS WEARING SHORTS UNDER A GOWN. I SCREAM. We all love a queen who is prepared to drop down and get her eagle on (hi Nelly) without showing her eagle. Also this color is gorgeous on her. AND POCKETS! I heard she ripped off the gown part during the after party when the DJ played Rihanna. Quote me.

Everything in this photo. The entire cast of "Black Panther" is pretty flawless. To be completely honest, Lupita Nyong'o could wear a sweater made of mustard stains and she'd look like a supermodel. Also, for FYI purposes, Michael B. Jordan is gesturing to me about how large the ring box will be when he proposes, thank you all for noticing.

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THIIIIIIIIIS BITCH. Rosamund Pike showed up wearing some sort of vampire ballerina gown complemented by a choker and a jacket made of shattered disco ball. AND a middle part! Honestly, a part of me kind of thinks Rosamund IS her character from "Gone Girl" and that terrifies me slightly but is always what I look for in favorite actresses. And full disclosure, if Anne Hathaway or Amy Adams showed up in this, I would hate it. They just don't have the Pike appeal. Ending this by saying I have Michael Phelps shoulders that should easily support a draped jacket look, but in a shocking turn of events, they don't. It's my cross to bear. Bare? Bear? Beer?

Best moment

If you are a tasteless person who hates laughing, you probably haven't seen "The Good Place," which Jameela Jamil is in. Her character's name is Tahani Al-Jamil and long story short, she lives in the shadow (hi Ashlee Simpson) of her sister Kamilah. Quick gif because it's mandatory:

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So whoever at E! either purposely or accidentally typed her name as "Kamilah" should be promoted. I could not stop laughing. And calm down, Jameela of course found it hilarious:

From her Twitter

Wait back to Gemma Chan

Y'all, when she first appeared on screen in "Crazy Rich Asians" I audibly gasped. I haven't been so surprised by someone's beauty since I saw myself in the mirror for the first time after straightening my hair in 9th grade. And no matter how many times I see her, and by "see her," I mean creep on her Instagram, I can't help but be completely blown away by the fact that THIS IS WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. LIKE, THIS IS HER FACE ALL THE TIME. 

It's mind boggling that on one end of the human woman spectrum is me and the other is Gemma Chan. Can you believe. And I'm not saying that I think I'm ugly (my mom says I have a really great personality), I'm saying that it's crazy I have basically the same internal situation going on as her. Like, we're probably 80% the same right. But holy shit, that 20% makes a huge difference.

Okay, back to the Globes. A summary of important statistics from the evening:

- Number of times Gemma Chan was shown on-screen: 3

- Number of times I screamed "SHOW GEMMA CHAN!": 4,567

Here are those three moments:

To clarify, that sun wasn't even out, this brightness is just shining out of her. That blonde assistant can't even look at her without squinting BECAUSE GEMMA CHAN IS THE SUN. Also who is that Asian man with the chiseled jaw next to her? Asking for a friend. Also, is her hair just literally a low messy bun, HOW DOES SHE DO IT.

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And here she is on the red carpet showing that her dress has pockets because if you wear a dress with pockets and don't constantly point out the pockets, does the dress even have pockets? I know I mentioned this earlier, but I screamed. And I'm screaming just re-watching this.

And here is a voyeuristic, creep shot of her during the show sitting next to Laura Harrier. That's right. I could tell it was Laura Harrier just by half of her face. Some people are good at stupid things like math and science. I'm skilled at identifying celebrities in dark, blurry screenshots. 

Here we Ga-go

This is probably unpopular opinion, but I do not understand the hype around "A Star is Born." It's the FOURTH time this movie has been made and if we've learned anything from the Spider-Man franchise, it's that things do not get better if you keep remaking them. Kind of like burnt cookies. They won't get better if you put them back in the oven again and again.

The storyline is so simple (A rock star has a drug/alcohol problem! A woman's love might save him! It's tumultuous!) and Bradley Cooper looks sweaty and dirty and mumbles through 104% of it. Honestly, the best part is when Gaga's character becomes a pop star (aka Gaga) and performs these sell-out pop songs THAT ARE ALL BOPS. 

Luckily, the HFPA agreed and only awarded best original song to Gaga (and Mark Ronson) for "Shallow."

I was hoping should would be in usual Gaga form and wear fried chicken or a hot air balloon, but nope.

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Instead, her brought along her serious actress persona, which is that of a high school drama kid who only speaks in run-on sentences and metaphors and has "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" in her email signature. Like girl, you aren't some shy, unknown actress who was plucked from obscurity - you gave us Bad Romance! This isn't new! You walked a red carpet inside an egg once! So I'm not buying this awkward Joey Potter thing she's doing.

Wait, Steve Carrell

All I'm saying is if he weren't happily married and were on a dating app where older men are looking for sugar babies, I would look into it. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

ACTUAL TEARS

I don't know if it's seasonal depression or residual emotions from watching "Dumplin," but I burst into tears when Sandra Oh won best actress in a drama series. An actress of Asian descent hasn't won the category in 39 years! And her precious parents were there and she thanked them and I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING:

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Growing up, there were next to no characters on TV who looked like me. Like, the first person I can remember latching on to was Jamie Chung from The Real World: San Diego. Remember her. When she wasn't drunk while dressed up as Eve (of the former couple Adam and Eve), she had a strained relationship with her Korean mom because she didn't speak Korean and her mom didn't speak English. Anyway, it's refreshing and amazing and every other adjective associated with face wash to see Asian actors and actresses in leading roles that aren't MTV reality shows.

To bring this full circle, we'll never know why I cried.

Next year's hosts
I actually really enjoyed Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg, but I'm glad we found our hosts for next year:

And just for FYI, their names are not Screenplay and Motion Picture, but that would be pretty funny. Amy and Maya 2020!

Who is this and why was she invited

Look, even Swifty knows she shouldn't be there. Here she is taking a nap while Gaga accepts her award. NO RESPECT. 

Boyfriends section

I would listen to Mahershala Ali read the nutrition facts on Pop-Tarts because both are unbelievably sweet (see what I did there).

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I have actually already imagined my meet cute with him and it goes like this: I am a goofy, New York dog walker who somehow affords to live in a one-bedroom loft in Soho. He is Mahershala Ali. One day while walking some of my clients (they're all wiener dogs, btw), I trip and fall into marriage with him. That's it, the end.

Can you believe Michael B. Jordan invented the double breasted suit. He actually makes my pupils dilate because I think my brain is like OH GIRL LEMME GET A BETTER LOOK.
You know how cheesy rom-coms have that moment where the girl is looking at art or something and says "It's beautiful" and the guy says "Yeah, beautiful" except he's staring at the girl? That shit is dumb. But if Michael B. Jordan said it, I'm pretty sure my soul would depart my body.

And of course the borderline creepy love of my life, Rami Malek. I love how he always looks like he's trying to hide the fact that he's eating a Lifesaver:

And here he is realizing that the Lifesaver he's been eating is a sour one instead of a regular one:

I imagine Rami is the type of boyfriend who would write me love letters and sign them with actual blood, which I guess is the real measure of love.

SECTION WHERE I YELL ABOUT THE GOOD PLACE

Next to Veep, The Good Place is the best comedy on television. I SAID IT AND I DON'T REGRET IT. And what group best understands comedy? The Hollywood Foreign Press Association of course (not). Members of the HFPA are actually somewhat of a mystery, I guess to avoid ridicule after making stupid choices like naming "The Kaminsky Method" as best comedy series and Rachel Brosnahan as best actress in a comedy series.

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I never miss an opportunity to reiterate that The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is not funny. It's not a comedy. It's more of a drama with comedic undertones (and by "undertones" I mean all of Alex Borstein's lines). The only award Rachel Brosnahan should be winning is for when she played that dramatic prostitute on "House of Cards" (REMEMBER HOW KOOKOO HER RELATIONSHIP WITH DOUG WAS?). Mrs. Maisel would be infinitely better if instead of Rachel Brosnahan, it starred Kristen Bell. And instead of Alex Borstein, it was Jameela Jamil. And instead of being The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel it was The Good Place. Fixed it!

"The Kaminsky Method" won the comedy series category. Who has even heard of, let alone watched that. I bet if we polled the world, more people have watched season 8, episode 10 of "Friends" than 10 seconds of "The Kaminsky Method." 

JUSTICE FOR THE GOOD PLACE.

#Krabluntski

As far as I know, there has been three true love stories in the history of time:

1) My parents 

2) Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (rip)

3) Emily Blunt and John Krasinski

Sometimes I actually think it's outright rude how wildly good looking they are. And in a dramatic turn of events, they're both talented and hilarious. And they seem super down to earth. Like I bet Emily has stood in front of the cheese section at Trader Joe's debating between mild cheddar and sharp cheddar. And John has gotten confused about using lay, laid and layed (THEY'RE CONFUSING, OK). Anyway, Emily (who was nominated) presented with Dick Van Dyke and this was John while she was onstage:

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Long live Miranda Priestley's assistant and Jim Halpert.

"Thank you ma' bitches"

Olivia Colman is more than we deserve. She won best actress in a drama for "The Favourite" and while I haven't seen the movie yet, I have seen this clip which I think perfectly justifies her win:

She was legitimately grateful and modest during her acceptance speech and used part of the time to thank Melissa McCarthy for bringing ham sandwiches to the event and then part of it to say "thank you to my bitches," aka Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz. Here's her entire speech because it's worthwhile:

While we're on the topic of Olivia Colman's bitches, I need to address Emma Stone yelling "I'm sorry!" after Sandra Oh's joke about how there hasn't been an Asian in a leading role since "Ghost in the Shell" (ScarJo) and "Aloha" (Emma Stone). As the self-appointed spokesperson for Asians, I would like to say that we forgive Emma Stone.

But let it be known that we do not, and will never, forgive Scarlett Johansson for anything ever. 

That feeling when you know no one knows how old you are

I have received confirmation from several research scientists that Lucy Liu stopped aging at 25. She just woke up one morning, looked at her reflection and said "This will do" and that was it.

Reminder: Jeff Bridges' best movie is "Stick It"

Jeff Bridges won the Cecil B. DeMille award (what Oprah won last year) and they showed a retrospective of his films, which, while I'm not the biggest Jeff Bridges fan, I am THE BIGGEST fan of highlight reels. Like, you could piece together photos of french fries set to dramatic music and I would find it moving.

Anyway, out of all his movies that include "The Big Lebowski," "Crazy Heart" and "True Grit," his best by far is "Stick It." That's right. That really bad movie where he plays a gymnastics coach to "rebel" Missy Peregrym (it's clear she is a rebel because she wears trucker hats, duh). He wears polos with popped collars and chews 10,000 piece of gum and at some point yells "STICK IT!" A true artist.

He gave a really, REALLY long speech and I'm about 420% positive that he was high.

WHY
Here is my in memoriam collage of all the Globes ignored foods.
There were big ass boxes of Lindt truffles on every table and I'm going to estimate that approximately one of them was actually opened. And there were apparently some sort of donuts? AND A PLATE OF SANDICHES? AND AN UNEATEN BISCUIT (OR MAYBE THAT'S FISH)? AND SOME SORT OF DESSERT? Dear lord, I am affected. And it's baffling since all of these celebs actually miss the dinner portion of the evening (as they're all on the red carpet).

How do they resist destroying that sandwich platter or stealing all of the chocolates from Charlize Theron's table? This is a world I do not understand.

And that's it! I'm glad I could highlight the most important elements of the evening for you like who my boyfriends are and my campaign for "The Good Place." If you're interested in less important facts like, who won everything, check that out here.

See you all tomorrow as we hop into "The Bachelor" trash bin!