What did we learn from the 2020 Emmys?

It is (apparently) awards season, again! Because there's nothing we all needed more than to witness a giant Zoom meeting with 100 celebs. 

For this year's virtual event, nominees were sent "DIY video kits" to set up in their homes, which means there are hundreds of personal assistants who are now experts in A/V tech support. This also means we got to see who among the Hollywood bunch pays for actual good internet service and who is just using spoons taped to each other aimed at the sky.

Upfront I'll tell you the biggest takeaway of the evening was Laura Dern did not win an Emmy from home and neither did I, so we finally have something in common. 

Now, let's get into it!

Things I enjoyed

1)  ZENDAYA'S WIN!!!

If you've learned one thing from this blog, it's that I like to get unreasonably emotionally invested in celebrity matters. For the Emmys, I invested all of my energy into Zendaya needing to win lead actress in a drama. And she did it! Youngest Emmy winner EVER in the category! I didn't write an honors thesis in college so this is about to be it. No one gave a better dramatic performance this year than Zendaya did in "Euphoria." The range. How she was completely Rue, inside and out. How "Euphoria" made me feel unbelievably anxious for an entire season in large part thanks to her acting (and also Jacob Elordi's scarily convincing turn as a violent, unpredictable terror). 

The category was pretty stacked and not to get on the shitting-on-Ozark train, but I am the conductor so, I was VERY worried they'd give the award to Laura Linney instead. In terms of rankings, she was at the bottom of my list and these shows LOVE to award whoever is ranked last on Kristi's list, so it was a substantiated worry. But the award went to *GASP* the actress who actually deserved it! A novel concept!

2)  Regina King continuing her awards show reign

After Schitt's dominated the comedy categories, we.....watched.....the limited series awards rack up for "Watchmen" (I know you're cracking up at that, thanks). The show won 11 Emmys, of course including Regina King for lead actress and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II for supporting actor. And while we know Regina King can do it all, let's just take a look at the receipts of her greatness because it's fun (thanks to Erik Davis): 

• 2015: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2016: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2018: Emmy for "Seven Seconds"
• 2019: Oscar for "If Beale Street Could Talk"
  
• 2020: Emmy for "Watchmen"

3)  "Schitt's Creek," an ACTUAL comedy, winning all of the comedy Emmys

And I mean ALL of them. A total of 9 awards, it's the most a comedy has ever won in a single year. The entire first hour of the show was just a Real Housewives of Schitt's Creek reunion (minus Andy Cohen) with every cast member accepting awards. They swept awards in all four acting categories (the first show, comedy or drama, to ever do it) plus awards for directing and writing. Like damn Emmys, calm down, we get it. You liked the final season. (I'm also quietly whispering that I was a little disappointed "The Good Place" got nothing, especially D'Arcy Carden.) 

Schitt's winning so much was shocking purely because the Television Academy LOVES to give comedy awards to shows that are NOT comedies. As the self-appointed lifeguard monitoring the pool of comedies, I'll admit there's definitely a range of depth when it comes to comedy. So we have shows like "The Big Bang Theory" in the shallow end, shows like Schitt's somewhere in the middle and shows like "Insecure" in the deep end. And then you have shows like "Dead to Me" and "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" that aren't even at the pool. In fact, they've never seen a pool, so when they get recognized as the best pool goers it boggles my mind. The point here is it's good to see a show from the actual pool party win it all.

4)  Uzo Aduba winning supporting actress in a limited series for playing Shirley Chisholm in "Mrs. America" 

I love her and while I have never legally acquired an Emmy, I have yelled the same sentiment to my mom after winning a level of Candy Crush (back when that was a thing), so I felt a kinship to her reaction. 

5) "Succession" dominating the drama categories

The show won 7 Emmys, including best drama, which more importantly means we got to hear the theme song play 7 times. It is, hands down, the best TV theme song ever (just edging out TLC's "All That" theme), so much so that when I binged the first two seasons, I sat through the opening credits every time. Music aside, this past season was actually a real...Roy'llercoaster (lollllllll)...that ended with a wild ass finale. The fact that HBO has "Succession" AND "Watchmen" AND "Insecure" AND "This May Destroy You," I mean phew. There's a reason they won the most awards of any network (and they probably will next year too).

Things I did not enjoy

1)  Jimmy Kimmel's hosting. We've gone without a lot of things in 2020, but ABC wanted to ensure we did not have to go without some Jimmy Kimmel. Similar to an acquaintance (not even a friend) coming over to your house and clogging your toilet, his entire presence was just unnecessarily shitty. And because I'm a problem solver, I've compiled a list of things we could've filled the time with instead:

• This live cam of sea otters at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
• This Blackpink music video on loop
• Tina and Amy's opening monologue from the 2013 Golden Globes
• This 12-hour fireplace YouTube video
• Honestly, a blank screen

2)  Anything involving "Ozark" because as a reminder, I still refuse to watch it. Sorry. I would rather watch a potato cook in the microwave. And why such a strong negative reaction? It's the Bateman factor. Anytime I watch him in anything, I can't NOT make a "does something smell" face. And those are facial lines I cannot afford these days. Also if I want to watch a dysfunctional white family doing crimes, I will watch "Succession," thanks.

3)  Billy Crudup breaking up the "Succession" streak by winning the Emmy for supporting actor in a drama. Even though he went to UNC, I cannot stand this man. Y'all remember in the early 00s when he ABANDONED his then-six-months pregnant girlfriend Mary Louise-Parker for Clare Danes?? If you don't remember, don't worry I do and I'm holding a grudge for all of us. The point is he has a history of breaking up things, so let's just throw this man straight in the trash. 

Things I'm unsure about

Can you even believe I've gone almost an entire post without objectifying a few men while wavering about if I should date them? Right well we've reached that part of the post now. If y'all could help me decide here, that'd be great.

Jeremy Strong, yes or yes?

He continued his awards show tradition of wearing ill fitting, fugly brown suits, but this year added an extra pop of brown with an unnecessary scarf. No one has confused my senses more. Sometimes I find him really attractive? And other times, I'm like why are his shoulders so small? As you can imagine, watching "Succession" took a real emotional toll on me because I was constantly flip flopping on if I should consider dating him. And to respond to what you're thinking, yes I agree I am a complex thinker capable of absorbing a tv show WHILE making totally real life relationship decisions.

Paul Mescal, yes or yes please?

I think I have a clearer answer on this one and it's that I find Connell on "Normal People" attractive, but not necessarily Paul Mescal. Which speaking of, if you're trying to feel depressed for an entire afternoon (because you'll definitely binge the show all at once), I highly recommend the series. And then you'll understand why there is an entire Twitter account dedicated to Connell's chain. The bottomline here is after staring at this screenshot, it turns out I would in fact like to date him. He has a plant! What a responsible man.

Wrapping up this section by clarifying that despite my public show of indecisiveness, there is a 140% chance I would marry both of these men. They get that good TV money and could fund my wiener dog habit.

And that's it! Jimmy Kimmel aside, the show didn't go as terribly as I expected. And in terms of actual award winners, this was one of the best years for both me and also my neighbors who did not have to endure my reactionary intermittent screeching.

Speaking of screeching, yet another thing no one needs is returning — the Bachelorette! See you all soon for that!

What did we learn from the 2020 Golden Globes?

Welcome to awards show season! We're kicking things off with the Golden Globes, which spoiler alert, for the 77th consecutive year I was not invited to nor did I win any of the categories I was not nominated in. Truly appalling.

Despite that, it's a new year and I'm feeling kinder and jk we must still begin every post by criticizing Rancic and Seacrest. I REFUSE TO CHANGE.

I need to know how many Barbies made the ultimate sacrifice to create this wig. I also need to know how many bags of Cheetos it took to fill the tub she must have soaked in to become this color. Doesn't she have any friends who are like, "Hey G, let's put the orange markers down and let's take that wig back to the set of Toddlers & Tiaras and just get you something natural"? Baffling.

Not to be outdone at this Mensa meeting, Seacrest reminded us he's still a genius interviewer by asking Gwenny Paltrow what she has in her pantry (RIVETING). I can't remember exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like organic moon dust, whittle shavings, grass fed cashew shells from Mars and rare bananas grown in 1898 kept fresh in a cryogenic chamber. Honestly, those are pretty reasonable considering she hasn't been a permanent resident of planet Earth since 1998.

Onto fashion because as someone who wore popped collars for a period in high school, I obviously have highly technical notes about the evening:

Best Christmas Tree

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Only Jodie Comer can wear a dress that has the silhouette of a Lindt truffle wrapper and make it look great. She is literally......a snack (yes I hate me too). This dress, which seems to just be one giant silk sheet, looks comfortable as hell. So you know who was comfortably able to drink 15 mini bottles of Moet & Chandon without showing a sign of bloat? This girl. AND POCKETS!! Pockets alone make a dress worthy of all best dressed lists.

Best Laura Dern Looking Laura Dern

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For all you historians out there (they're big fans of the blog), bohemian dresses were invented by Laura Dern in the year of our Dern 2010. This would look tacky and frumpy on almost anyone else because no one has the white lady swag of Laura Dern. It is why she is my #2 favorite white lady (#1 is my mom, FYI).

Best Awards Show Debut Look

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Ana de Armas' knives are OUT (yes I know that's the cliched response to her, WHATEVS). Yes, pockets! Yes, sequins! Yes middle part! What ultimately complements this look IS THAT BROW RAISE. GIRL. Someone clearly watched a pre-Globes marathon of "America's Next Top Model" because her smizing is off the charts. This was her first awards show (and first nomination) so can't wait to see what those brows bring to the SAG Awards and Oscars.

Also I'm sure I'll revisit this, but she sort of looks like a cross between Jenna Dewan and Megan Fox?

Best Saoirse Like Inertia

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I can't not say her name without remembering how she gets people to remember the pronunciation. Y'all might be thinking this dress is boring and honestly if Julianne Moore or Reese Witherspoon (or Without-her-spoon) wore it, it would be. But Saorise ain't usually out here wearing disco ball looking gowns served with a side boob and front slit, so this is a surprising and welcomed change for her.

She was nominated for "Little Women" and I cannot scream enough both online and in Target that I would watch movies directed by Greta Gerwig starring Saoirse and Timothee Chalamet FOREVER.

Best Visual Representation of What Your Stomach Feels Like After Eating Taco Bell's Entire Value Menu

Joey King was nominated for "The Act," which I did not watch because I still have not forgiven her for the hate crime that was "The Kissing Booth." The terribleness of it still gives me shivers.

To the show!

Mi'Busy 2020 is in full swing

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As is the norm when Michelle Williams acts in anything, she was nominated for an award. This year, for actress in a mini-series or TV movie for "Fosse/Verdon," which she obviously won. And here's Busy's reaction during Michelle's speech:

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Their friendship continues to be the best thing to come out of Dawson's Creek next to that hilarious time Katie Holmes sang "On My Own."

Because she wins 98% of the time she's nominated, Michelle always comes prepared with a meaningful speech that no stage manager would cue walk-off music for:

And because I am also prepared, here are the few audience shots I got of them:

Michelle's fiance Thomas Kail was also there, but the camera operators gave the people what they wanted.

Find someone who looks at you like Reese looks at Leo

This was during Brad's acceptance speech for supporting actor (we're all on a first name basis) and I don't blame Reese. Also does the shadow of her chair make her arm look really cut? Been working them delts. Anyway, Leo looking like a McDonald's hamburger — just not aging and juicy with no expiration date. I don't know if it's because of all the 20-year-old models he dates, but his skin is unbelievable. I'd like to applaud 10-year-old me because I clearly knew Leo was a long-term hottie and recognized it by hanging several foldout posters of him from BOP and BB. Chef's kiss.

I'm not crying you're crying

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I think we can all agree that in this bowl of soggy cereal that is Hollywood, Tom Hanks is the one crunchy and sweet piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (that complex metaphor means he stands out because he's genuine, wow keep up). His film career, much like both of Danity Kane's albums, is fully comprised of hits. So it makes sense that he finally won the Cecil B. DeMille Award. His four kids and Rita Wilson were at the show and he choked up thanking them and it was so freaking cute and maybe MAYBE I ALMOST cried. However, physically, I can only cry once per year and I'm saving that one time this year for when Rihanna releases a new album (sorry Tom).

Now, I know we all have our own opinions about which Tom Hanks movie is best but the thing is, if you're saying anything BESIDES "You've Got Mail" you are objectively wrong. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

And this seems like an approp time to share that I dated his son Colin in 2015. That's right. He was waiting in the lobby of my office building and I stood 5 ft away from him and we made eye contact for a solid 3 SECONDS. It was the most magical time of my life because when you know, you know.

Rounding this out by noting his other son Chet used to be a "rapper" who went by the name Chet Haze. I'll let you do your own Googling on that.

How mad is ScarJo that she isn't the first Asian to win this award

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Awkwafina won actress in a musical or comedy for "The Farewell," making her the first woman of Asian descent to win a lead actress Golden Globe for a film. Even though it's her debut into dramatic acting, Awkwafina is so so so good in this movie (that's based on experiences from director/writer Lulu Wang's life).

Speaking of Lulu Wang (who is a genius), I just need to note that she's in a relationship with Barry Jenkins (who is also a genius):

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Meaning they are just this gorgeous, amazingly creative and talented couple out here making movies like no one else. And just as he was snubbed for the directing award last year for "If Beale Street Could Talk," she was also snubbed this year. THE GLOBES LIVE TO DISAPPOINT!

In which I am also snubbed
Bong Joon-ho won the award for Foreign Film for "Parasite" and even though his English is pretty good, he brought a translator onstage who I was shocked to learn was not me?? So I'm sitting here all Korean looking like a chump??

It's almost as if no one thinks I am a legitimate Korean speaker even though I've watched more than 7 K-dramas AND know all of Blackpink's discography. Wow. The disrespect really jumps out.

Anyway, I know the name "Parasite" makes you think it's a weird horror film, but it's really not. It's more of a thriller with a side of comedy and has such an interesting and surprising storyline. It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes and now it's the first Korean film to be nominated for (and win!) a Golden Globe. Hoping it gets those Oscar noms!

ADAM DRIVER IS MARRIED??!

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I AM SHOCKED AND UPSET AND SHOCKINGLY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEWS. I immediately looked it up and his wife's name is Joanne and they got married in 2013 AND THEY HAVE A BABY???? Do you think this means their relationship is serious????

Regardless, like best friend Dr. Chloe says, "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score." Hahahaha she doesn't really say that (except when she does). The main takeaway here is while it's a bit unclear, I'm starting to think he might not want to date me. So I'm not going to end this section by saying something vulgar and suggestive like I've got something Adam can Drive. I'm not.

Speaking of my personal life...

I'm no longer dating Rami Malek
It's not because of anything he did (or because he has a girlfriend), it's just that I only have room in my life for one little pocket prince and that is now Timothee Chala-mother-may-I. Rami was upset that I sent him a DM with the news. Here he is about to run away like the Road Runner while eating that same piece of hard candy he's been eating since last awards season:

Cousin Greg is tall as hell

I mean, I knew this from watching "Succession," but seeing him onstage with his tiny cast members magnified his stilt-like nature. I looked it up and he's 6'5", but I swear he looks like he's 8'4" MINIMUM. I love how little 5'6" Kieran Culkin stood far from him because y'all, the first time I saw them next to each other onscreen was like seeing a pen next to a football goal post.

I'm gonna need everyone to watch both seasons of this show partially because it's wildly dramatic and entertaining and mostly because, can someone let me know if I think Jeremy Strong is attractive?

His bearded, manicured mountain man (what up consonance) look is playing with my emotions.

CHRIS EVANS

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That's it. That's the only note I took, just his name in all caps. His scruffy beard looks like a Brillo pad and AGAIN I am not going to be Josie Grossy and say something like if he's a Brillo pad, I am a dirty pan with baked on grease. I am not because I am mature.

Is this what all stepdads look like?

To recap: Zoe Kravitz's dad is Lenny, her mom is Lisa Bonet and her stepdad is Jason Mamoa. Which means their family photos just spontaneously combust from pure hotness, every year. It's why no one has received a Christmas card ever. And AGAIN, I am not going to sully this blog by saying something like I've got some Aqua he can Man. I don't say that stuff anymore!

When you grace a rinky dink awards show with your presence and still don't win

Beyonce and Jay-Z showed up during Phoebe Waller-Bridge's acceptance speech and surprisingly, stayed through the rest of the show. Even after Beyonce lost original song to Elton John. But I'm pretty sure, of all the A-listers in the room, Beyonce is the one celeb every other celeb wants to talk to so where's the trophy for that.

She also remained seated while everyone else gave Joaquin Phoenix a standing ovation when he won, because Bey knows he is not talented enough to be as weird as he is. Just the facts.

And that's it! The show only ran a little long (much like this post, holy crap). And honestly, the secretive process through which winners are decided is kind of bogus EXCEPT for when the actors and shows and movies that I want to win, win. In that case, they are correct and unbiased and make sense.

Glad to be back in the best season of the year with you all! A time that'll be rudely interrupted by The Bachelor — see you tomorrow for that!

Til then, find me still in a state of shock to learn that mayonnaise is really good? Did everyone already know this? And also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).