What did we learn from the 2020 Emmys?

It is (apparently) awards season, again! Because there's nothing we all needed more than to witness a giant Zoom meeting with 100 celebs. 

For this year's virtual event, nominees were sent "DIY video kits" to set up in their homes, which means there are hundreds of personal assistants who are now experts in A/V tech support. This also means we got to see who among the Hollywood bunch pays for actual good internet service and who is just using spoons taped to each other aimed at the sky.

Upfront I'll tell you the biggest takeaway of the evening was Laura Dern did not win an Emmy from home and neither did I, so we finally have something in common. 

Now, let's get into it!

Things I enjoyed

1)  ZENDAYA'S WIN!!!

If you've learned one thing from this blog, it's that I like to get unreasonably emotionally invested in celebrity matters. For the Emmys, I invested all of my energy into Zendaya needing to win lead actress in a drama. And she did it! Youngest Emmy winner EVER in the category! I didn't write an honors thesis in college so this is about to be it. No one gave a better dramatic performance this year than Zendaya did in "Euphoria." The range. How she was completely Rue, inside and out. How "Euphoria" made me feel unbelievably anxious for an entire season in large part thanks to her acting (and also Jacob Elordi's scarily convincing turn as a violent, unpredictable terror). 

The category was pretty stacked and not to get on the shitting-on-Ozark train, but I am the conductor so, I was VERY worried they'd give the award to Laura Linney instead. In terms of rankings, she was at the bottom of my list and these shows LOVE to award whoever is ranked last on Kristi's list, so it was a substantiated worry. But the award went to *GASP* the actress who actually deserved it! A novel concept!

2)  Regina King continuing her awards show reign

After Schitt's dominated the comedy categories, we.....watched.....the limited series awards rack up for "Watchmen" (I know you're cracking up at that, thanks). The show won 11 Emmys, of course including Regina King for lead actress and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II for supporting actor. And while we know Regina King can do it all, let's just take a look at the receipts of her greatness because it's fun (thanks to Erik Davis): 

• 2015: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2016: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2018: Emmy for "Seven Seconds"
• 2019: Oscar for "If Beale Street Could Talk"
  
• 2020: Emmy for "Watchmen"

3)  "Schitt's Creek," an ACTUAL comedy, winning all of the comedy Emmys

And I mean ALL of them. A total of 9 awards, it's the most a comedy has ever won in a single year. The entire first hour of the show was just a Real Housewives of Schitt's Creek reunion (minus Andy Cohen) with every cast member accepting awards. They swept awards in all four acting categories (the first show, comedy or drama, to ever do it) plus awards for directing and writing. Like damn Emmys, calm down, we get it. You liked the final season. (I'm also quietly whispering that I was a little disappointed "The Good Place" got nothing, especially D'Arcy Carden.) 

Schitt's winning so much was shocking purely because the Television Academy LOVES to give comedy awards to shows that are NOT comedies. As the self-appointed lifeguard monitoring the pool of comedies, I'll admit there's definitely a range of depth when it comes to comedy. So we have shows like "The Big Bang Theory" in the shallow end, shows like Schitt's somewhere in the middle and shows like "Insecure" in the deep end. And then you have shows like "Dead to Me" and "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" that aren't even at the pool. In fact, they've never seen a pool, so when they get recognized as the best pool goers it boggles my mind. The point here is it's good to see a show from the actual pool party win it all.

4)  Uzo Aduba winning supporting actress in a limited series for playing Shirley Chisholm in "Mrs. America" 

I love her and while I have never legally acquired an Emmy, I have yelled the same sentiment to my mom after winning a level of Candy Crush (back when that was a thing), so I felt a kinship to her reaction. 

5) "Succession" dominating the drama categories

The show won 7 Emmys, including best drama, which more importantly means we got to hear the theme song play 7 times. It is, hands down, the best TV theme song ever (just edging out TLC's "All That" theme), so much so that when I binged the first two seasons, I sat through the opening credits every time. Music aside, this past season was actually a real...Roy'llercoaster (lollllllll)...that ended with a wild ass finale. The fact that HBO has "Succession" AND "Watchmen" AND "Insecure" AND "This May Destroy You," I mean phew. There's a reason they won the most awards of any network (and they probably will next year too).

Things I did not enjoy

1)  Jimmy Kimmel's hosting. We've gone without a lot of things in 2020, but ABC wanted to ensure we did not have to go without some Jimmy Kimmel. Similar to an acquaintance (not even a friend) coming over to your house and clogging your toilet, his entire presence was just unnecessarily shitty. And because I'm a problem solver, I've compiled a list of things we could've filled the time with instead:

• This live cam of sea otters at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
• This Blackpink music video on loop
• Tina and Amy's opening monologue from the 2013 Golden Globes
• This 12-hour fireplace YouTube video
• Honestly, a blank screen

2)  Anything involving "Ozark" because as a reminder, I still refuse to watch it. Sorry. I would rather watch a potato cook in the microwave. And why such a strong negative reaction? It's the Bateman factor. Anytime I watch him in anything, I can't NOT make a "does something smell" face. And those are facial lines I cannot afford these days. Also if I want to watch a dysfunctional white family doing crimes, I will watch "Succession," thanks.

3)  Billy Crudup breaking up the "Succession" streak by winning the Emmy for supporting actor in a drama. Even though he went to UNC, I cannot stand this man. Y'all remember in the early 00s when he ABANDONED his then-six-months pregnant girlfriend Mary Louise-Parker for Clare Danes?? If you don't remember, don't worry I do and I'm holding a grudge for all of us. The point is he has a history of breaking up things, so let's just throw this man straight in the trash. 

Things I'm unsure about

Can you even believe I've gone almost an entire post without objectifying a few men while wavering about if I should date them? Right well we've reached that part of the post now. If y'all could help me decide here, that'd be great.

Jeremy Strong, yes or yes?

He continued his awards show tradition of wearing ill fitting, fugly brown suits, but this year added an extra pop of brown with an unnecessary scarf. No one has confused my senses more. Sometimes I find him really attractive? And other times, I'm like why are his shoulders so small? As you can imagine, watching "Succession" took a real emotional toll on me because I was constantly flip flopping on if I should consider dating him. And to respond to what you're thinking, yes I agree I am a complex thinker capable of absorbing a tv show WHILE making totally real life relationship decisions.

Paul Mescal, yes or yes please?

I think I have a clearer answer on this one and it's that I find Connell on "Normal People" attractive, but not necessarily Paul Mescal. Which speaking of, if you're trying to feel depressed for an entire afternoon (because you'll definitely binge the show all at once), I highly recommend the series. And then you'll understand why there is an entire Twitter account dedicated to Connell's chain. The bottomline here is after staring at this screenshot, it turns out I would in fact like to date him. He has a plant! What a responsible man.

Wrapping up this section by clarifying that despite my public show of indecisiveness, there is a 140% chance I would marry both of these men. They get that good TV money and could fund my wiener dog habit.

And that's it! Jimmy Kimmel aside, the show didn't go as terribly as I expected. And in terms of actual award winners, this was one of the best years for both me and also my neighbors who did not have to endure my reactionary intermittent screeching.

Speaking of screeching, yet another thing no one needs is returning — the Bachelorette! See you all soon for that!

What did we learn from the 2019 Emmys?

First and foremost, the Emmys were already in the negative FOR COMPLETELY SHUTTING OUT BEYONCE'S HOMECOMING FILM. She was nominated in 6 categories at the Creative Arts Emmys and her biggest loss was Outstanding Variety Special to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Y'all. Carpool Karaoke beat this:

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Beyonce had twins, ate only lettuce for months, went to 40 spin classes a day between hours of dance practice, and created an artistic masterpiece for Coachella. Meanwhile, James Corden taped a camera to his windshield. SCREAMING.

Luckily, the 14-hour E! Red Carpet caught wind of my anguish and opted out of their normal stupidity this year. Just kidding Rancic brought out her skunk tail and sprayed everyone with the stench of stupid questions. Letting Emilia Clarke and Lin Manuel Miranda's facial expressions speak for all of us:

I realized E!'s red carpet interviews have gotten really long. Over the course of the 400 hour pre-show, they only talked to maybe 10 celebs, tops, compared to the 5,000 Seacrest used to torture in his heyday. This ratio tells me that most A-listers are opting to skip these interviews because, well, it's better for their skin and probably overall wellness.

Speaking of looking your best...

Best dressed

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CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE ZENDAYA INVENTED THE COLOR GREEN. She showed up 2 minutes before the show started and breezed past the media line like the most glamorous gust of wind ever. Hair, makeup, dress, THIS ENTIRE LOOK. I'm screaming. How many studios do you think immediately approached her about a Poison Ivy reboot.

Last thing I'll scream about Zendaya is you should love yourself, but also, if someone offered me the chance to change my entire face and body to be Zendaya, there would be a Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the wall of me barreling through to sign the papers.

Honorary mentions

Emilia Clarke is always in my top 5 during awards season so she obvi didn't disappoint. How mad do you think Joey Potter is that Emilia stole her trademark for the middle part? Also, do you think I can wear this dress to work? I love that she fashioned a dress top out of two pieces of tissue paper — rumor has it, she used it later to stuff a gift for her best friend. We stan a Khaleesi who uses multi-purpose materials! My favorite part of this entire look is the dress' pockets. I am absolutely positive Emilia is someone (like me) who screams "BUT LOOK, IT HAS POCKETS!!" to anyone who will listen, while swishing around.

Including Mandy Moore's Emmys look and after-party look because I haven't seen a more flawless transition since the dissolve slide transition in the 2002 version of Power Point. Love that she drew inspiration from the two best Starburst flavors, which yes speaking of candy, I was upset that she once again did not win an award meaning she DID NOT get to perform "Candy," which is what she would be legally obligated to do.

To the show!

MI'BUSY IS BACK
I love when Michelle Williams is nominated (which is almost every year) because she ALWAYS brings BFF Busy. Here is a story in three parts of their journey at the Emmys from Busy's IG story:

Apparently when you arrive, EVERYONE has to wait in line to walk the carpet. And it was in the 90s on Sunday evening in LA, so can you even imagine how much melted bronzer and foundation was all over that carpet. After getting through the line, they were late getting into the show, so they had to wait by the doors during the (kind of dumb) intro. And after Michelle won, Busy carried her award AS ANY GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES while Michelle answered her 5 billion texts. As my friends know, any awards they get, I get too. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP.

Offering some clarification because I needed it: Michelle won the lead actress in a limited series or TV movie category for her work in "Fosse/Verdon," NOT as late recognition for her work on "Dawson's Creek." I know, I was surprised too.

Anyway, this was Busy's reaction during Michelle's acceptance speech:

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Michelle used her stage time to talk about pay inequality in Hollywood, particularly for women of color.

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She ended her speech by mentioning her daughter (with Heath Ledger): "For Matilda, this is for you like everything else" and when I say the tears gushed out, I mean it was a family-sized pack of Gushers in here.

I remain the #1 fan of this friendship and will continue to send them poorly recorded videos of me singing that Paula Cole song I only associate with "Dawson's Creek" until they let me into the friend group.

While on the topic of Dawson
Can someone let me know if I think James Van Der Beek is attractive?

Like I know this suit jacket looks like salmon sashimi that's been out too long, but also, I think I would let him Dawson my Creek? (AYYYYYY, you're welcome).

Billy Porter invented hats

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Billy is the first openly black gay man to win the lead actor in a drama category for his work on "Pose," and he delivered on the fashion and the speech (check it out here). And now he's only one award (the O) away from an EGOT! I also want to note that when he won, he ran up the stairs in 6-inch platforms, which actually should've earned him the Oscar on the spot completing his EGOT.

Well this was unexpected
Phoebe Waller-Bridge and "Fleabag" came through with the upset over "Veep," winning the awards for lead actress in a comedy, comedy series, and writing for a comedy series. I would like to say no one was more shocked than me, but Phoebe proved me wrong:

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And get ready for what may be unpopular opinion: I liked "Fleabag" (the second season more) and found some parts funny, but I def wasn't as obsessed with it as Twitter told me to be. And I do love PWB, but honestly I love what she does for "Killing Eve" more than anything.

Speaking of, Phoebe getting nominated in comedy and drama categories is pretty freaking great. I have personally only been nominated in both a total of zero times, so I can attest to the difficulty.

Speaking of Killing Eve....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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The lead actress in a drama category was more stacked than my plates at a Vegas buffet and included Emilia Clarke, Sandra Oh and okay those are the only two besides Jodie I would've accepted winning. But I wanted Jodie to win THE MOST. If you've ever seen "Killing Eve" you understand. She has such good comedic timing and makes being a serial assassin look like such a delight (also her character's fashion is ABOVE AND BEYOND anyone else).

She accepted her award wearing all white, featuring no barbecue sauce stains which wow, how. And mentioned she didn't bring her parents to the ceremony because she didn't think she'd win. Leaving you with this moment of Jodie walking offstage with Gwyneth Paltrow, who presented the award:

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I learned that in this moment, Gwyneth could be heard asking Jodie "Do you know any of the nominees?" Um. One of the nominees was Sandra Oh. Who is in the same show as Jodie. Gwyneth literally announced the nominees and had to say both of their names followed by "Killing Eve."

Wait, on the topic of Gwyneth....

When you remember how to do regular human things like walk

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Y'all, this gif is sped up because I'm not exaggerating when I say it took her 8 minutes to walk the 15 feet from backstage to the mic. It's like she was just fitted for these legs and is testing them out for the first time. That or beneath that dress is a bunch of tiny squirrels on each others shoulders pretending to be legs. Honestly, we'll never know.

As a note, I always feel a teensy bit bad making fun of people EXCEPT for Gwyneth who I know is an evil cyborg who has no feelings. For me, it's like making fun of a vacuum (because she really sucks the fun out of everything OOOOOH).

The only one who deserved to win over my husband, Mahershala Ali

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Jharrel Jerome won the award for lead actor in a limited series or TV movie for "When They See Us," and this was Jharrel's first Emmy nomination and first win (1 for 1!). He thanked his mom, who he brought as his date, and the "Exonerated Five" and was absolutely one of the most deserving winners of the night. He's also the first Afro-Latino to win an acting Emmy and the youngest to win the category, major!

Also of note, he had the best stage exit of the night:

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AND NONE FOR BRAN
During one of the 40 tributes to Game of Thrones over the course of the evening, the "main" cast members came onstage to present the award for supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie:

The thing is, I'd say Theon and Melisande (actors on the ends) were not on the show's first string team, but they got to be onstage INSTEAD OF BRAN (insert whatever his real name is here), AKA THE CHARACTER WHO TOOK THE IRON THRONE IN THE END. I screamed at the distinction, not that we needed confirmation that his character (and the show's ending) were dumb as hell. We did get this quick shot of him in the audience, applauding the cast like everyone else:

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While we're on this topic....

In which no one is surprised

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Game of Thrones won the Emmy for drama series, I think because it was promised to them from the get-go, not because the final season was actually good. The last time I saw this many white people on stage was, well, just a few moments before when John Oliver won the award for variety talk series. The show's writer-directors David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave the acceptance speech because we really all need to hear from them about as much as I need to hear a train whistle in my ear.

Now, I was a huge GoT fan (enough to use the abbreviation), which is why I know the finale was trash. In a poll designed by me given to me by me, all respondents agreed "Killing Eve" should've won.

Some final notes to wrap this up: Yes, we were all laughing AT Kim and Kendall Kardashian not with them; Yes, Sansa Jonas (aka Sophie Turner) should've won the supporting actress in a drama series award; No, I still do not consider The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a comedy; and No, I still do not want to watch Ozark.

Thanks for reading! Til next time, find me sending my friends closeups of my head asking if I can pull off a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2018 Emmy Awards?

This year's Emmy's were like an overhyped party that was talked about for weeks. But then you show up to find this "party" is just a case of Natural Light and a bag of plain ass Lays chips.

Thank goodness for the red carpet! It was the fun pregame and by far, the most entertaining part of the evening (even with E! buzzkilling everything). And since it's been a while, I'll let Chrissy describe my feelings about experiencing a red carpet with Rancic and Jason Kennedy again:

Best dressed:

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Issa Rae looks amazing at every show and I know I always list her as a favorite but that's only because she looks infinitely better than 85% of the other attendees. She opted for a Carolina Blue dress this year to pay homage to her impending best friendship with me. Spread the word. I love the long train situation on this top, but how annoying do you think it was in the bathroom? Like, do you think she had to ball up the entire bottom part of this outfit and hold it above her head while trying to undo her pants to pee? The logistics alone sound terrible.

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While we're on pantsuits, let's talk about Tatiana Maslany. You may remember me quietly mentioning THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE SO MANY EMMYS FOR PLAYING EVERY CHARACTER ON ORPHAN BLACK but maybe not because I'm so demure in talking about the things I like. She showed up in some sleek black pants with a highlighter yellow wrap top that looks like a curtain ripped off the wall of an EDM party. I support this look. Anytime you can wear something that then transforms into decorative home goods is honestly just smart shopping.

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Rory Gilmore showed up in this pink lemonade situation that I don't actually hate. I loved her simple makeup and hair and I guess I find her stunning at most events because I'm used to seeing her look haggard as hell on "The Handmaid's Tale." So this Fun Dip dress was great! Almost made me forget she's married to Pete Campbell and his weird hairline. And look, I don't base my disdain for him just on looks - he creeps me out to my shallow, tin core. He's definitely someone who whispers a lot and we all know that whispering is the trademark of a creep. 

Best brows

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To be fair, Emilia Clarke has the best brows in just about any room she's in (unless Demi Lovato is also in that room, in which case, a brow-off occurs). And while the extent of my makeup knowledge is simply to buy whatever Chrissy Teigen endorses in hopes of making my face look like hers, even I could tell that Emilia's makeup was FLAWLESS. Look at that closeup! That is her actual face! It's unbelievable that she and I are the same species (allegedly).

I wasn't sure how to feel about her dress. The literal breeziness of the top reminded me of that time I forgot to wear a bra to school. Except, I imagine if I had worn a mesh top, braless to 8th grade, there would've been some sort of situation. Anyway, I'm letting the fact that her hair and makeup were a 10, average this entire look out to a 12. I took pre-calc in college, so you can trust me.

Best Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia

Let me first say that Milo Ventimiglia is a delicious bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. I have loved him since Jess Mariano days and was pretty disappointed that we didn't get a Jess and Rory reunion on the red carpet. I think he's one of those smooth guys who can wink at you and it doesn't seem weird. And I'm 140% positive that if he winked at me, I would first giggle like a baby then probably die.

And Mandy Moore! She hasn't let the fact that her performance in "A Walk to Remember" was overlooked by the Oscars get to her. Look how good she looks! She's in that Sandy Bullock/Reese Witherspoon wine cellar, just getting better with age. With that perfect level of spray tan and beach waves. I can practically hear "I'M MISSIN YOU LIKE CANDY AAAAY YAAAA." Don't @ me, that song is still a bop.

Okay okay let's talk about the show at least a little...

OBLIGATORY CHRISSY SECTION

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Meme'd in the first 5 minutes of the show, Chrissy T did not come to play. The audience was allowed to have alcohol at their seats this year, so I can only hope that CT had a few glasses of champagne. And while I could dedicate this entire post to her, I'll just refer you to my doctoral dissertation: "Chrissy Teigen Dictates A Questionable Number of Things in My Life and I Have No Regrets."

Brace yourself: I'm not a Mrs. Maisel fan

No one is more shocked than me. It's an Amy Sherman-Palladino show, so it features her signature fast-paced, quippy dialogue and well thought out characters, but man, it is not funny. It's like the LaCroix of TV shows: You know there's a hint of something funny in it, but it's so faint that you're not sure. For reference, this gif of Amy Sherman-Palladino perfectly encapsulates the comedy of the show:

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She was returning to the stage to accept Outstanding Directing for a Comedy (after winning Writing for a Comedy). Can't Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino just focus all of their efforts into pumping out new Gilmore Girls revivals every year? GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Anyway, contradictory to me, the Emmys LOVED Mrs. Maisel. It swept so many of the comedy awards and we learned that this is what we get when we lose "Veep." I did somewhat support Alex Borstein winning Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy though because I pretended it was a delayed reward for her work as Ms. Swan on Mad TV.

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She did a shimmy and told women to sit down to pee, because if one of us sits, we all get to sit WHICH IS ACTUALLY TRUE. #StopHoverPeeing2018

I remain a salty salt shaker over "The Good Place" not getting more nominations. Call me old fashioned but I assume that "comedy" implies something is funny. Crazy, I know.

The only non-Sandra Oh who I accept winning

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The Outstanding Lead Actress category was like a Britney Spears Greatest Hits album - HOW DO YOU CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITE? While I was hoping Sandra Oh would take it home, becoming the first Asian woman to win a lead acting Emmy, I was okay with Claire Foy winning instead. If you haven't seen season 2 of "The Crown," just chisel out 10 hours this weekend to binge it. She is simply amazing. The acting she does with her eyes alone is award worthy. And I have eyes, which makes me qualified to make that assessment.

And since we're on the topic of Sandra Oh, I need to talk about how much I love her parents and the fact that her mom came in traditional Korean hanbok:

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Y'all, when I say I hollered, I mean I HOLLERED. And even better was that Sandra introduced her parents to all of the red carpet interviewers as "Mr. and Mrs. Oh." YES. Do you actually think fracking Rancic gets the privilege of calling her lovely mother by her first name? Naaahhhh. Also, I love how when Claire Foy won and Sandra Oh was graciously clapping, her mom was clearly like "Umm, who is that? And why is she holding your trophy?"

MOMS ARE THE BEST.

When someone says they saved the last cookie for you

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I didn't include her before, but I'm digging Thandie Newton's one-shoulder, cape dress. She won in the other category I deemed most competitive: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. And while I've only seen half of season 1 of Westworld, she was pretty fantastic in that half of a season. Fantastic enough to win over THREE of the ladies from Handmaid's Tale AND Cersei Lannister AND Princess Margaret. They would make up one badass volleyball team.

Speaking of the Handmaid's ladies, here they are all huddled together as Thandie is announced:

This is precious but also confusing for my mind to see Aunt Lydia and Serena Joy being friendly with Emily. DON'T TRUST THEM EMILY!

A standard proposal location

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So while Glenn Weiss was accepting his Emmy for directing the Oscars (which is such an Inception thing to happen), he took the time to propose to his longtime lady friend, Jan. And it was so freaking cute. He spoke first of his mom who recently passed away before saying that Jan is the light in his life. Then came the kicker: "You wonder why I don't want to call you my girlfriend? Because I want to call you my wife." And this was her reaction:

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She of course said yes! And no one was shocked to learn that this is the first time someone has gotten engaged on an Emmys stage. And I was shocked to find this entire TV engagement genuine and sweet because I've dealt with garbage ones for the past however many months with the Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise.

OH OK, ANGELA BASSETT

Did you all get the memo from Angela Bassett declaring she has decided to stop aging? I audibly gasped at how gorgeous she looks. And I love Tiffany Haddish just relishing in the moment.

Lil' Baby Aidy, here to steal yo' man

Just want to point out Aidy Bryant's bit during the opening number. It is my biggest hope that she pitched this as "Okay and when you pan to me, I'll just be caressing Milo Ventimiglia" with no other supporting details or setup. Gotta shoot your shot, ya know.

And I thought Aidy was maybe sitting next to him just for the bit, but as it turns out, that was her seat! Between Milo and JT!

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If I were her, I would've held both of my arms out, palms up, on the armrests to see if Milo or JT would try to hold my hand first. That is how relationships start.

Tami Taylor!

Connie Britton is what you get when you cross a Lilly Pulitzer dress with a glass of sweet tea and I am here for her southern fried goodness. I don't even remember what award she and Eric Bana were presenting, but she stood like this for most of the time and her hair remains a level of perfection I will never comprehend. Shout out to me for capturing Eric Bana in this moment, looking like he's upset people don't remember his stellar performance in one of the Hulk movies.

When your mom forces you to go to prom with the King of the North

Aside from the fact that this looks like an awkward high school dance photo, Constance Wu looks gorg! I like how her dress kind of looks like it's made of that bubbly glitter paint. And Kit Harington, while sweet looking, always looks like he's waiting in line at the bank. And the teller just stepped away for lunch. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what he looked like when Game of Thrones won Outstanding Drama.

Who should've hosted the show

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Colin Jost and Michael Che were....alright. If you want to watch 3 hours of Weekend Update. The funniest part of their hosting was the bits with Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen, who were pretending to be Emmys "experts." I don't mean to get critical here (haha yes I do), but Colin and Michael are clearly comedy WRITERS. Maya and Fred are comedic PERFORMERS. It's kind of like how you go see Adele to hear her sing. And you go see Britney to see her dance (YES EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE SMALL MOVEMENTS MOSTLY WITH HER HANDS, SHE'S STILL DANCING). Two very respectable, yet different things.

My point here is that NBC had SO many choices for hosts (as was evident in the entire SNL cast being in the opening dance) and they chose two kind of boring dudes.

And that's it! Or well, that's all that my brain full of packing peanuts decided to commit to long-term memory. Interested to see if Emmy voters will still like Mrs. Maisel next year. Or if they'll finally cave and just agree that Julia Louis-Dreyfus should get the Emmy every year, regardless of if she's in anything.

See you all soon! Til then, find me staring at your dog from across the street and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2016 Emmy Awards?

If you think I'm going to be completely predictable by opening this post by bashing poor Giuliana Rancic, then yes, put your tarot cards away because I absolutely am. Creature of habit you know.

So Jerry Seinfeld is actually the one claiming he doesn't understand his presence at the show, but my highly evolved brain immediately heard and saw the words falling out of Rancic's mouth. Because it is the question I yell at security when they stop me 100 yards from the Red Carpet: "BUT WHY IS RANCIC HERE. WHY IS SHE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, DO YOU." 

Anyway, she wore a dress made of those lacy/sheer curtains your grandma has in her "sitting room" that no one goes in and that are full of dust and bones and cats and cat bones. 

I could go on forever, but in the words of critically acclaimed actress Jennifer Lopez, ENOUGH. 

To the show!

Fashion is confusing.

I don't claim to be a "fashionista," but I did have a pink, glittery sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 6th grade that said that, so, I don't know you do the math. Also, please admire my cropping/editng skills with this photoset. What can I say, some of us have it all. Anyway, these were the dresses that made me say, "Wait, what, why." 

Mandy Moore's dress looks like it'd be fun to wear. Like you'd want to swing your hips around saying "swish swish swish." But what was this swishy dress made of? Cheez Whiz? Dorito dust? Rumor has it someone threw milk and elbow macaroni on her at the after party and she turned into Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

Okay Robin Wright. The off-center front slip. The general glittery-Wet Seal nature. Those strappy stilettos from the shoe section of Forever21. This is like what those "bad" girls at your high school who smoked in the locker room wore to Homecoming freshman year while you wore a pastel church dress. And she kept standing like that, kind of legs apart as if she had just sat in a puddle and was trying to air dry her butt. That Robin Wright aint about swamp ass life. 

Kristen Bell couldn't decide if she wanted to be sexy or a bird lady so she did both! Drapey, curtain-like boob covers on top with an actual comforter on the bottom. Sources tell me Aziz Ansari was found at the after party napping in it.

Sarah Hyland's dress doubled as a table runner, creating the perfect setting at the aforementioned after party. To be honest, this top was so close to being a masterpiece. All she needed was pockets in both sides to slip her arms into, therefore allowing her to flap around as a pterodactyl. Who doesn't love a good pterodactyl dress?

Constantly yelling on Twitter about something, works.

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In this day and age, it's important to utilize the power of social media for good. Which is why I have focused on demanding Tatiana Maslany win every award since Orphan Black premiered in 2013. I'm not one for repetitive dramatics and unnecessary caps lock but T.MAS PLAYS EVERY MAIN CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. EVERY MAIN CHARACTER. SHE MEMORIZES 50 MILLION LINES A WEEK. I cannot express how emotionally affected I would have been had Oompa Loompa Claire Danes swooped in and stole the award with her so-called talons. It's important to understand that yes, all of the other actresses are great in their ONE role on their show. Our T.Ma$ is great in all 50 roles she plays. ALL OF THEM. TRY TO DEBATE ME ON THIS, I WILL DESTROY THE KEYS ON THIS KEYBOARD IN A SECOND.

Also she brought along this century's best accessory, Tom Cullen (stop playing like you don't remember Lady Mary kissing and dismissing him on Downton. That Mary was savage). She and this hot piece of beard are the undisputed, most beautiful couple in the world. I took a poll, trust me.

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I'm now wondering if my own wedding or someone else birthing my baby for me (my body's not trying to do that) will bring me as much joy as T.Mas finally winning. Some call that "sad" and also "creepily obsessed," but I call it a "completely normal connection to someone I've never met despite repeated attempts and continual Googling of home address."

Operation Have Kids with Bigger, Non-Asian Eyes is underway

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My little pocket prince did it! I don't know if the Emmys are trying to make up for past mistakes, but I accept. I also accept partial credit for his win because I started watching Mr. Robot a few hours before the Emmys. I just got so tired of Rami asking me to watch and also him constantly sending shirtless pics declaring his love for me. Per science, his big blue eyes plus my tiny brown specks will give our kids perfectly sized eyes that can't be blocked with a simple #2 pencil. If you could spread the word about our relationship, that'd be great: #Krami and/or #McMalek.

Constance Wu was styled by J.Lo, circa 2000

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That slicked back high ponytail. Those ho' hoops. That plunging neckline and drapey dress. Throw in a P.Diddy and I'd swear we'd traveled back in time. I hope Constance got to at least sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing" at the after party.

I will accept a face transplant from:

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Do you think Emilia Clarke gets tired of having the best face, hair, make-up and dress at every single show? It must be exhausting. She's a saint for doing it. While she didn't win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (despite the months I spent picketing outside of the Academy), she still holds the title for World's Best Haver of Eyebrows. A title that, to be honest, requires much more talent and skill than riding dragons and emerging naked from fire.

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Brows. Big wavy hair. Smug look. The winning trio. For those of you who don't spend hours on her Wikipedia page, Tori Kelly is a quarter Jamaican and a quarter Puerto Rican. And she writes her own music and plays the guitar and sings. She also nurses injured baby birds back to health, rescues orphaned seals, can whittle a kazoo from a log, can speak to animals, can Matilda move things with her mind and knows all the words to every Missy Elliot song. 

Women are funnier than men. Deal with it.

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Amy finally got her Emmy and her and Tina became the first joint winners of any Emmy category. Show me someone who doesn't think they are funny and I'll show you an Ursula masquerading as a human.

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Kate McKinnon became the first SNL cast member to win a major acting category and the fourth EVER to win an Emmy for the show. Only Chevy Chase, Dana Carvey and Gilda Radner have won in the past. Both Ellen and Hillary love her impressions of them AND she's a Ghostbuster, so, honestly what can be left on her vision board.

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This is the answer I was looking for in response to Failiana. While Amy didn't take home any awards, she convinced Maggie Smith to come to the after party and they drank 23 1/2 bottles of vodka then called Rihanna who met them at whatever club it is that Lauren Conrad always went to on The Hills where they drank 5 additional bottles of gin before buying an In-n-Out (the entire place) on the way home three days later. If that's not worth more than an Emmy, I don't know what is.

Game of Veep

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Best Drama Series, again. And now the show with the most Emmys ever with 38, beating Frasier's previous record of 37. Turns out dragons and swords and threats of winter are much better than tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, find out what your best friend's boyfriend's mom's neighbor's HBO Go log-in is so you can watch the episodes, "Hold the Door" and "Battle of the Bastards." Reason enough for the show to win.

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Don't tell Friends I said this, but Veep might be the funniest show ever. The writing. The cast. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 500 more seasons will not be enough. I wonder if Modern Family misses being prom queen because Veep snatched that wig ages ago and is never letting go.

Other notes:

• Every male actor is apparently dating "the hottest chick in the game"
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus' speech made me feel real human emotions, something I normally reserve for my annual viewing of Marley & Me
• Who invited Neve Campbell?

I leave you with Priyanka Chopra doing what she did down the entire Red Carpet, introducing me to what I guess I should do when entering any room for any reason. Thanks Pri-Pri.

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