What did we learn from the 2016 Emmy Awards?

If you think I'm going to be completely predictable by opening this post by bashing poor Giuliana Rancic, then yes, put your tarot cards away because I absolutely am. Creature of habit you know.

So Jerry Seinfeld is actually the one claiming he doesn't understand his presence at the show, but my highly evolved brain immediately heard and saw the words falling out of Rancic's mouth. Because it is the question I yell at security when they stop me 100 yards from the Red Carpet: "BUT WHY IS RANCIC HERE. WHY IS SHE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, DO YOU." 

Anyway, she wore a dress made of those lacy/sheer curtains your grandma has in her "sitting room" that no one goes in and that are full of dust and bones and cats and cat bones. 

I could go on forever, but in the words of critically acclaimed actress Jennifer Lopez, ENOUGH. 

To the show!

Fashion is confusing.

I don't claim to be a "fashionista," but I did have a pink, glittery sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 6th grade that said that, so, I don't know you do the math. Also, please admire my cropping/editng skills with this photoset. What can I say, some of us have it all. Anyway, these were the dresses that made me say, "Wait, what, why." 

Mandy Moore's dress looks like it'd be fun to wear. Like you'd want to swing your hips around saying "swish swish swish." But what was this swishy dress made of? Cheez Whiz? Dorito dust? Rumor has it someone threw milk and elbow macaroni on her at the after party and she turned into Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

Okay Robin Wright. The off-center front slip. The general glittery-Wet Seal nature. Those strappy stilettos from the shoe section of Forever21. This is like what those "bad" girls at your high school who smoked in the locker room wore to Homecoming freshman year while you wore a pastel church dress. And she kept standing like that, kind of legs apart as if she had just sat in a puddle and was trying to air dry her butt. That Robin Wright aint about swamp ass life. 

Kristen Bell couldn't decide if she wanted to be sexy or a bird lady so she did both! Drapey, curtain-like boob covers on top with an actual comforter on the bottom. Sources tell me Aziz Ansari was found at the after party napping in it.

Sarah Hyland's dress doubled as a table runner, creating the perfect setting at the aforementioned after party. To be honest, this top was so close to being a masterpiece. All she needed was pockets in both sides to slip her arms into, therefore allowing her to flap around as a pterodactyl. Who doesn't love a good pterodactyl dress?

Constantly yelling on Twitter about something, works.

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In this day and age, it's important to utilize the power of social media for good. Which is why I have focused on demanding Tatiana Maslany win every award since Orphan Black premiered in 2013. I'm not one for repetitive dramatics and unnecessary caps lock but T.MAS PLAYS EVERY MAIN CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. EVERY MAIN CHARACTER. SHE MEMORIZES 50 MILLION LINES A WEEK. I cannot express how emotionally affected I would have been had Oompa Loompa Claire Danes swooped in and stole the award with her so-called talons. It's important to understand that yes, all of the other actresses are great in their ONE role on their show. Our T.Ma$ is great in all 50 roles she plays. ALL OF THEM. TRY TO DEBATE ME ON THIS, I WILL DESTROY THE KEYS ON THIS KEYBOARD IN A SECOND.

Also she brought along this century's best accessory, Tom Cullen (stop playing like you don't remember Lady Mary kissing and dismissing him on Downton. That Mary was savage). She and this hot piece of beard are the undisputed, most beautiful couple in the world. I took a poll, trust me.

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I'm now wondering if my own wedding or someone else birthing my baby for me (my body's not trying to do that) will bring me as much joy as T.Mas finally winning. Some call that "sad" and also "creepily obsessed," but I call it a "completely normal connection to someone I've never met despite repeated attempts and continual Googling of home address."

Operation Have Kids with Bigger, Non-Asian Eyes is underway

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My little pocket prince did it! I don't know if the Emmys are trying to make up for past mistakes, but I accept. I also accept partial credit for his win because I started watching Mr. Robot a few hours before the Emmys. I just got so tired of Rami asking me to watch and also him constantly sending shirtless pics declaring his love for me. Per science, his big blue eyes plus my tiny brown specks will give our kids perfectly sized eyes that can't be blocked with a simple #2 pencil. If you could spread the word about our relationship, that'd be great: #Krami and/or #McMalek.

Constance Wu was styled by J.Lo, circa 2000

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That slicked back high ponytail. Those ho' hoops. That plunging neckline and drapey dress. Throw in a P.Diddy and I'd swear we'd traveled back in time. I hope Constance got to at least sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing" at the after party.

I will accept a face transplant from:

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Do you think Emilia Clarke gets tired of having the best face, hair, make-up and dress at every single show? It must be exhausting. She's a saint for doing it. While she didn't win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (despite the months I spent picketing outside of the Academy), she still holds the title for World's Best Haver of Eyebrows. A title that, to be honest, requires much more talent and skill than riding dragons and emerging naked from fire.

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Brows. Big wavy hair. Smug look. The winning trio. For those of you who don't spend hours on her Wikipedia page, Tori Kelly is a quarter Jamaican and a quarter Puerto Rican. And she writes her own music and plays the guitar and sings. She also nurses injured baby birds back to health, rescues orphaned seals, can whittle a kazoo from a log, can speak to animals, can Matilda move things with her mind and knows all the words to every Missy Elliot song. 

Women are funnier than men. Deal with it.

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Amy finally got her Emmy and her and Tina became the first joint winners of any Emmy category. Show me someone who doesn't think they are funny and I'll show you an Ursula masquerading as a human.

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Kate McKinnon became the first SNL cast member to win a major acting category and the fourth EVER to win an Emmy for the show. Only Chevy Chase, Dana Carvey and Gilda Radner have won in the past. Both Ellen and Hillary love her impressions of them AND she's a Ghostbuster, so, honestly what can be left on her vision board.

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This is the answer I was looking for in response to Failiana. While Amy didn't take home any awards, she convinced Maggie Smith to come to the after party and they drank 23 1/2 bottles of vodka then called Rihanna who met them at whatever club it is that Lauren Conrad always went to on The Hills where they drank 5 additional bottles of gin before buying an In-n-Out (the entire place) on the way home three days later. If that's not worth more than an Emmy, I don't know what is.

Game of Veep

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Best Drama Series, again. And now the show with the most Emmys ever with 38, beating Frasier's previous record of 37. Turns out dragons and swords and threats of winter are much better than tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, find out what your best friend's boyfriend's mom's neighbor's HBO Go log-in is so you can watch the episodes, "Hold the Door" and "Battle of the Bastards." Reason enough for the show to win.

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Don't tell Friends I said this, but Veep might be the funniest show ever. The writing. The cast. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 500 more seasons will not be enough. I wonder if Modern Family misses being prom queen because Veep snatched that wig ages ago and is never letting go.

Other notes:

• Every male actor is apparently dating "the hottest chick in the game"
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus' speech made me feel real human emotions, something I normally reserve for my annual viewing of Marley & Me
• Who invited Neve Campbell?

I leave you with Priyanka Chopra doing what she did down the entire Red Carpet, introducing me to what I guess I should do when entering any room for any reason. Thanks Pri-Pri.

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Emmy Predictions

Since the Emmys are next weekend, I thought I'd gift the world with my highly requested opinion on winners. Plus, my best friend Chloe is a surgeon and she has promised that for every prediction I get correct, she'll provide one free surgery. And I'm really interested in getting my kidneys to look a little more Gigi Hadid'ish and my gallbladder to be a bit more Lucy Liu'ish, ya know?

Before we jump into this imaginary pool (I say imaginary as award shows continue to ignore my demands for winners), let's take a moment to honor our two queens who made Emmy history this weekend at the Creative Emmys by becoming the first joint winners of any category.

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If we're being specific, they won for Best Comedy Series Guest Actress for when they co-hosted SNL earlier this year. I'm actually still pretty offended Tina and Amy didn't win a Nobel Peace Prize and Pulitzer for their 3-year stint hosting the Golden Globes, but again, these award organizations continue to shun my opinions and issue restraining orders.

As a note, I'm only making a few predictions in the categories I'm most invested in because I'm selfish.


Best Drama Series

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After being nominated for every season and always being the Judy Greer sidekick to whatever popular show ended that year (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc.), Game of Thrones finally won last year. Which, by the way, gave us this wondrous moment in history, which I absolutely have not had printed and framed:

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Okay so SPOILER ALERT, season 6 was insane. And by "season 6," I mean the last 3 episodes. Episodes 1-4 were not exactly enjoyable, while also being completely necessary for plot development. Kind of like how in college you had to take 6-10 shots to prepare yourself for going out because you were too poor to actually buy drinks while out. Suffering in the beginning pays off in the end (why this hasn't been a GoT tagline yet, I'll never know).

So, we all remember episode 5 and HOLD THE DOOR HOLD THE DOOR. Not just something people in New York shout while running toward the life ruining F train that apparently only runs every 4-5 days. But, the true four-letter moments came at the end. WTF TOMMEN. OH SHIT MARGERY (and everyone else). DAMN ARYA/SANSA/DAENERYS. The writers really packed it in at the end. Kind of like when you find out the buffet is closing in 10 minutes and you haven't even had your after dinner chicken fingers yet.

Best Actress in a Drama Series

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If you are some hideous sea creature who hates shows with a strong female lead and an increasingly interesting storyline each season, Orphan Black is definitely not for you. First off, Tatiana Maslany plays EVERY SINGLE MAIN CHARACTER. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Meaning, when the cast is sent scripts, 2/3 of it is all her. So she memorizes lines and gets into make-up and wardrobe for one billion different characters. Which, I know, our very own Lady Seacrest does the same when he slips into whatever human costume he's bought for the day, but this is different -- she does it well. 

Despite my barrage of all caps remarks on Twitter, the Emmys only nominated her for the first time last year. Which, I assume means they've preheated the oven for a Maslany win this year. And if she gets Poehler'd next year and goes without a win for the entirety of the series, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

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I'm going to preface this by saying I know Julia Louis-Dreyfus will win. They should honestly rename the category "Best Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a Julia Louis-Dreyfus Role." But, I love to support my friends and hold out hope for a Schumer miracle. 

I can't recall the serendipitous event that led me to watch Inside Amy Schumer from season 1, but it happened and we're all better because of it. The writing is obviously hilarious (to those of us who have this thing called "a sense of humor" and also "intelligence"), but even better is that she gets her friends like Amber Tamblyn, Bridget Everett and Nikki Glaser to guest star pretty regularly. And also this lady, who I don't know, maybe I've heard of or mentioned. Who's keeping track of how many lower back tattoos I have of her name in different languages, honestly.

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Best Actor in a Drama Series

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I have never seen Mr. Robot but based on Rami Malek's face and also eyes and also placement of said eyes on said face, I am 100% sure he should win. I remember when we first met, he was a Marine in that WWII series "The Pacific" and I was a recent graduate with a few months to spare before "real adulthood" and thus plenty of sweatpants time to spare to dedicate to a mini-series. Even then, I was drawn to his almost transparent, creepy ghost eyes. And little known fact: he can dice whole tomatoes with that jawline. 

My point here is, I've loved him for a while which makes me a good judge to decide who wins Best Actor in a Drama.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

I honestly just wanted to bring this up because THREE actresses from Game of Thrones are nominated. While we can all agree that Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows should win, Sophie Turner really deserved this one. And no nomination! This boss ass bitch fed Ramsay to some actual bitches, then walked away delivering the smirk of the century. Sansa finally became funsa! 

Anyway, let's hope for some sort of write-in situation.

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Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

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Okay so I was a huge fan of season 1 of "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt." But, to be honest, Titus Burgess is what kept things going in season 2 (OMG GASP YES I SAID IT, SO SORRY JANE KRAKOWSKI AND ELLIE KEMPER). Ellie is a precious baby dinosaur and Jane is well, Jenna from 30 Rock still. I'm not drinking from the haterade punch bowl, simply saying that I made the punch and brought it. 

I would honestly just watch a compilation of Titus Andromedon lines strung together with absolutely no context. Which actually, I have done and you can too.

Alright. I figured by only making a few predictions as opposed to the long list written in blood I normally send to the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, they'd appease me. Because that's how deciding winners of anything works.

See you next Sunday!

Breaking down the 2016 SAG Awards

Aside from the Globes, the SAG Awards are my fav. Partially because winners are decided by their peers and mostly because the actors get real liquored up. This year, they ordered 150 bottles of tequila and 500 bottles of champagne. 500 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE. That's at least 3 more bottles than a normal Friday night for me, which is quite impressive. And I bet Helen Mirren only drank like, 400 of them. HMirr can rage.

Anyway, lessons learned:

Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay are more precious than two otters holding hands.

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First off, "Room" is an amazing movie. You shouldn't watch it before a date, like I did, because it doesn't exactly put you in the most romantic mood, but it's amazing nonetheless. The fact that Jacob Tremblay memorized that entire script and I can't remember if I had one or two lunches today is astounding. I uphold that he should've snagged Best Supporting Actor (my on-again/off-again husband Idris Elba won), but his presence this awards show season has been big enough. Fingers crossed that his career develops like Leo DiCaprio and he doesn't pull a Macauley Culkin. Meth face looks good on no one.


Rami Malek's jawline cuts through glass. And also, my heart.

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Some tasteless and uncultured people think Rami is "creepy" and "looks like he would kidnap me and trap me in a basement," when really the person they're describing is the man in the upper right corner of this pic who is apparently a rogue Charlie's Angles villain who is clearly here to avenge the unfortunate death of his beloved bird Myrtle. Anyway.  That jawline. Those blue eyes. How he kind of never blinks. I don't mind that. It means he never takes his eyes off me, which is 100% romantic and 0% creepy. I feel like he'd want to read me excerpts from a J.D. Salinger book while we drink tea made from tea leaves he picked from a mountain in Nepal. And he would not be interested in "Vanderpump Rules" which is fine because me neither. I've never watched that show for 12 hours straight. #RefinedWoman


Leo and Kate need to get married already and make all of our dreams come true.

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You guys, look how he lovingly scurries over to her after winning Best Actor. It's how you look when your Bojangles order is ready and you finally lovingly embrace that fried chicken. Some of us may have even kissed the chicken before like Kate kisses Leo's neck, but let's not delve into my personal life. Look, these two survived Titanic together (one naturally, one via cryogenic freezing). I'm about 99% sure if Leo wins the Oscar, he'll propose to Kate on the spot. And then it'll rain Oreos, world hunger will be solved, global warming will end, my pants will stop mysteriously becoming huge during the course of the day, and several other world issues will be solved.


Amy & Tina continue their tour of "We Should Host Your Lives"

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I enjoy this photo mostly because these are the two facial expressions that make up 98% of my life. Tina & Amy presented Carol Burnett with a lifetime achievement award and their 5 minute bit was better than the entire Oscars show when James Franco and Anne Failaway hosted. When I get married, I just plan to show clips of their movies ("their" being Tina & Amy, not James and Anne, I'm not into cruel and unusual punishment after all). I would like the same film shown at my funeral, but without sound and in black and white. You know, dramatic effect.

Okay also, their table included Kristen Wiig and I'm absolutely positive this image was taken straight out of my diary. I am willing to go to extreme lengths to be a part of this posse. I'm talking listen-to-the-entire-Nickelback-album extreme.

I'm not an Indian woman (SHOCKER), but if I was, it'd be great to look like Priyanka Chopra.

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I'm not a British, white woman (OMG YOU'RE NOT?), but if I was, it'd be great to look like Emilia Clarke.

Let me be clear about the two declarations above: We as women should absolutely be happy with our bodies and our appearances. I'm just saying that if some "scientist" or "doctor" in a back alley offered me the chance to have Emilia Clarke's face, I'd do it. I mean, not her exact face, I don't want to have some sort of "Face-Off' movie situation. And also, calm down, I'm not that creepy (yet). I imagine both her and Priyanka are the type of women who wake up the morning after a rough night out and their hair is perfectly styled and birds are chirping in their window while squirrels pour them tea and iron their fresh-off-the-runway "everyday" couture. They never wake up holding a pita with salsa on their face. Me neither.

Susan Sarandon brought a couple things to the show.

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I'M TALKING ABOUT HER KIDS, YOU SICKOS. Just kidding, I'm obviously referring to her boobs. I'm a 20-something year old and my boobs don't even look like this. Partially because I don't have boobs and mostly because I don't have boobs. I also want to note that when Susan Sarandon wears a suit with nothing underneath but a black bra it's "sexy" and "fashionable," but when I do it to work, it's "inappropriate." I DON'T GET IT.

Pretty good SAG Awards this year. I'm still recovering from Helen Mirren making me take tequila to the face, so I'll leave you with this as my final thought:

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Golden Globes?

Since this was Tina and Amy's last year hosting, I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity to revive this baby.  So to the two readers I've maintained, I'M ALIVE! I know you're wondering my thoughts on the 2015 Golden Globes, so here we go!

1.  Seacrest and Rancic continued their competition to see who could be the most painfully awkward yet boring red carpet host. This gif summarizes their award winning work:

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Notes on this:

1.  Only Giuliana can make taking a shot with Clooney look boring and terrible.  

2.  Taylor Schilling is yawning like she's watching the annual Grandma Knitting Competition.

3.  A production assistant is rolling out because she aint about this shit.

4.  Amal is wondering how she went from advising Kofi Annan, to this.

5.  Clooney is wondering how Amal went from advising Kofi Annan, to this. 

2.  This girl won the Red Carpet:

Thanks to that older woman and Felicity Jones for holding the arrow for me. I like how in the photo above, she's trying to have a shimmy dance contest with Agatha (the older woman), but Agatha is not having it. And then, in the photo below, she is irate that Sally (the girl in red) let so many mere mortals get within the vicinity of Felicity. Dammit Sally!

3.  Tina and Amy should deliver a monologue before every event/life experience, ever.  Everything was hilarious and nothing hurt.  J.Law wasn't there this year (because we're currently hanging near the beach) so they chose an equally acceptable target:

4.  Jared Leto continues to be the mountain man version of Zac Efron and I'm not complaining. That braid. That beard. I just want him to take me to buy some velcro sandals, gluten free granola, and fat free water before we kayak on a lake built naturally by vegan monks.

5.  Slits down the middle of dresses were a thing. I'm partially confused by this trend because of the pose it evokes.  You have to constantly poke your leg through the slit to prove to people that you do in fact have legs. Otherwise, everyone would be like "Where's her legs?" And then, how does this situation work when you finally sit down? Is it like some sort of open drapes thing? I suppose this is convenient if the venue is really hot and you just need constant air. Environmentally friendly dress!

6.  Emma Stone wore what J.Lo and all the Middle Slit Wearers wished they were wearing.  If I ever go to an awards shows, I am definitely wearing pants. You can sit comfortably in your chair without wondering if your Lady Mary is going to make an appearance. And you can jump around and do cartwheels and all of that other shit that those slit wearers can't do! I'd also choose to wear pants as this would alleviate the view of inappropriateness when Zac Efron/Jared Leto carries me out of the show later that evening.

7.  For the first third of the show, I kept yelling, "WHY IS NO ONE DRINKING?" Which, oddly enough, is what I yell at most events (weddings, poetry readings, funerals, etc.). But then, Chrissy Teigen delivered, yet again. I'm open to marrying both her and John Legend. They have yet to return my calls and messages in bottles.

8.  Joanne Froggatt represented for us Downto(w)n folks. Her first nomination! She was one of the few of the night who I was yelling at the TV to win, and actually won (apparently I didn't yell loud enough for Reese Witherspoon). Also, she looked absolutely gorg. And being that she is teeny tiny, I have this immense urge to pick her up. Do shorter people get sick of this? Getting picked up? I just want to pick her up and be like "Whoooooosh" as I whoosh her around like a plane. Is that rude? No, it's loving.

9.  Boyhood won. How terrible would it have been to film a movie over 12 years only to have it win a Kristi's Choice Award? Albeit, KCA winners do receive a trophy made of Skittles and those recalled Lululemon leggings (I got them on bulk discount), so don't knock the legitimacy of the award. Bottom line here: You should see Boyhood. It's worth it just to see the drastic hairdo changes. 

10.  Lastly, while no one will reach the mastery level of Feyler, I think we've found our 2016 hosts:

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Cheers to extremely random, yet awkward blogging in 2015!