What did we learn from the 2017 Emmys?

The Emmys are like the pot of gold at the end of rainbow after dedicating countless hours to watching everything from Veep to The Handmaid's Tale. Except, my "gold" isn't even an award, but mostly consists of yelling either "YES I KNEW IT" or "WHAT, WHY" to winners. And my "rainbow" is mostly just a collection of times I saw my Shrek reflection in the TV after Netflix interrupted my 20-hour binge to ask if I was still a breathing, human woman.

Per usual, I destroyed my soul ahead of the show by indulging in the pre-pre-pre-pre-Red Carpet featuring Laguna Beach megastar Kristin Cavallari. She is actually the one person I don't feel remorse over shit-talking because, based on two seasons of Laguna Beach which I take as gospel, she was an absolute bitch. A literal mean girl. So anyway she looked like a bobble head and I am constantly perplexed at how her flamingo neck holds up that bigass noggin.

Kristin was just the first taco in this 99-cent value pack of E!'s finest. The king bean burrito came through as Giuliana Rancic. To be honest, it feels like it's been so long since she has created a film of self-tanner over my eyes. And I'm just watching on TV! Imagine what the frontlines are like. Actually, here's the ever courageous Elisabeth Moss trying to avoid the fumes, looking like a glass of milk next to a glass of Cheetos dust:

Because you're wondering, yes, E!'s cameras did catch me on the red carpet. I was trying to get Milo Ventimiglia's attention to let him know he left his watch and also his heart at my apartment:

Best dressed

In general, I find Jessica Biel about as interesting as crumpled up aluminum foil, but on Emmy night she delivered. I absolutely loved this ethereal dress like she just came out of an Enya song complemented by an old Hollywood'esque hairstyle. And while yes, she is more bland than overcooked pasta, she has a pretty smokin' bod, so everything looks phenomenal on her. I was also glad to see she continued the mono-leg dress slit trend. 

As someone with a Ph.D. in red carpet studies, I am well aware of how hard it is to pull off a red dress. Issa Rae is now the textbook definition for doing it right. Her make-up is absolutely flawless and despite how creepy this sounds, I wish I could steal her smile. Not in a serial killer way, but I want to copy/paste her smile onto my face (that's much less creepy). I love how this Vera Wang gown has asymmetrical sleeves that let her shoulders breathe, because I can't fully express how often my shoulders have had the urge to burst out of their sleeves. 

One of my favorite things to do in life is wear no pants. Reese Witherspoon agrees and wore this tailored suit jacket that appears to have lots of pockets for snacks. I heard that when Laura Dern hugged her, she crushed her bag of Funyuns and Reese was pissed. And smelled like fried onions. Fucking Dern, always on one. Anyway, I love the bottomless nature to this outfit. I hope Reese optimized use of it by fully Winnie the Pooh'ing at the after party, eating honey straight out of a pot.

Before I saw Laverne Cox, I was actively complaining about both metallic dresses and the slicked-back hair look. But then she showed up and anyway it's the second time I've ever been wrong in my whole life (the first time was when I assured everyone that CDs were here to stay). Laverne makes slicked-back hair look classic, as opposed to everyone else doing it who looks like they just ran a marathon in the rain. And I love the paneling situation on this gown.

Best dressed couple

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This is no shocker as I have Backstreet Boys teen girl screamed about Tom Cullen and Tatiana Maslany so many times. They looked gorgeous together and honestly if another biblical flood happens and Noah has to build an ark, he should def kick off the pair of rhinos because we won't need them but we will need Tatiana and Tom to repopulate the Earth. I have now literally stared at this photo for a long enough period of time to creep myself out, so we'll move on.

I'm pretty sure Shailene Woodley doesn't shower

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I think that's what she means when she says her favorite beauty product is "happiness." During an earlier interview, she was asked what she watched on TV this year to which she said "Nothing. I don't own a TV." Okay and wait, things get even more Shailene'y. She said she doesn't have time for television and just reads books. HAVE Y'ALL EVER READ A BOOK. THAT SHIT TAKES A LONG ASS TIME. Watching an episode of The Handmaid's Tale literally takes 45 minutes. Reading Moby Dick takes 45 years. I timed it.

Big Little Lies did not come to play with you hoes

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Little known fact about me: I love Laura Dern. Literally everything she's been in and by "everything" I mean as the mom in The Fault in Our Stars and of course as Renata in Big Little Lies. I just have a feeling she takes shit from no one in real life and could easily be provoked to kick a guy in the balls. Anyway, I felt the Dern Burn as she took home Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series.

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Nicole Kidman won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series and honestly no one came even close to topping her performance. If you haven't watched Big Little Lies, what are you even doing with your life. To be honest, I'm not even the biggest Nikki K fan, but her performance is phenomenal. And anyway this bitch does what she wants, including kissing Alexander Skarsgard on the mouth in front of her husband as he goes up to accept Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series.

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The show then obviously won Outstanding Limited Series and all I kept thinking of was how memorable that one scene in the finale was with all of the women communicating with each other with just a look. It remains one of my favorite scenes from a TV show and not just because of what happens to Skarsgard following this.

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My boyfriend made history

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Donald Glover, or as I so lovingly refer to him, D.Glo, took home two Emmys for "Atlanta." His first, Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series, made him the first black director to win the category, EVER. And his second, Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, has not been won by a person of color in 32 years. THIRTY-TWO YEARS. Plus, did you know he invented looking good in a purple suit? That D.Glo, ever the visionary.

My fiancée also made history

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Riz Ahmed won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series for "The Night Of," making him the first male South Asian actor to win an Emmy (in an acting category). I was unable to attend the ceremony due to a prior bucket of friend chicken engagement, so Riz had to settle for sitting next to up-and-coming actress Oprah Winfrey. I'm gonna be straight up with you here and let you know I've only see two episodes of "The Night Of," but I mean, I've looked at plenty of photos of Riz on Google Images so I think it's about the same. 

WHO RUN THE WORLD (answer: girls)

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Aziz Ansari and Lena Waithe won Best Writing for a Comedy Series for the Thanksgiving episode of "Master of None," making Lena the first black woman to win the category. And she wore a dope ass suit and Aziz stood there super supportive and cute and my point here is that Beyonce always knew who ran this ship.

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Reed Morano won Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series for the pilot episode of "The Handmaid's Tale," making her the first woman to win the category in TWENTY-TWO YEARS. At this point in the show, I had burned all of my tiny bras.

Selina Meyer 2020

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Julia Louis-Dreyfus won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy for the SIXTH CONSECUTIVE YEAR. Meaning she has won this award for EVERY season of Veep. As someone who is constantly sought after by myself for her opinion, I can without a doubt say JLD is the funniest actress on TV. Veep also won Outstanding Comedy Series and if we're being totally fair which I am about 43% of the time, no other shows should've been nominated. 

Can you request what song interrupts your speech?

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It's great and all to stay on-time, but blaring some random violin/trumpet music while Sterling K. Brown is talking is pretty rude. It made me wonder though, if the Emmys are gonna be rude as hell to you and ruin your moment, can they at least let you choose what song plays as you're being kicked offstage? Because while being interrupted would piss me off, hearing "Work From Home" would cheer me up and The Television Academy wouldn't have to worry about me rage throwing the mic stand into the audience while Hulk tearing my dress apart (this is precisely why I am not invited to any work functions). Just a suggestion.

"YOU GET AN EMMY AND YOU GET AN EMMY AND YOU GET AN EMMY"
 —Oprah to the cast of The Handmaid's Tale

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So Elisabeth Moss obviously won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series because if you've even seen a promo for the show, you understand. This little glass of milk can act. I've seen her in the series "Top of the Lake," which she's also amazing in (even though her "Australian" accent is a little kookaburra). I never really watched Mad Men, but I've seen this gif and based on it I can confirm she was amazing in it.

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The series won Outstanding Drama which, similar to what I said about Big Little Lies, if you haven't watched this show,  I question your judgment as an alleged human being. The story is riveting, the cinematography is gorgeous, every cast member is amazing AND the ladies wear these super cute New York Fashion Week capes and bonnets.

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As a note, Alexis Bledel won Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series (it was presented during the Creative Emmys two weeks ago). Our little Rory Gilmore! It almost makes me forgive her for marrying Vincent Kartheiser's receding hairline.

Lastly, Colbert delivered

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His opening was hilarious and included 1000 of our fav celebs, including Chance the Rapper. Someone else made a surprise appearance but I refuse to associate that person's name with one of my favorite awards shows. Rather, I offer my favorite reaction to his appearance featuring Anna Chlumsky (and Rachel Bloom with the GTFO out face in the background):

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His monologue also mentioned how Trump criticized Seth Meyers' hosting skills back in 2014, saying it sounded like he had a "mouth full of marbles." Which gave us one of the best gifs of the night and not just because you can see my ex-boyfriend Colin Jost:

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And that's it! 2017 Emmys in the bag. We'll see how the competition is next year when Game of Thrones is back in the running (and Tatiana Maslany for Orphan Black). I leave you with this photo of some banana bread because it's what Chrissy Teigen was doing instead of attending the show. Til next time, see y'all on Twitter!

What did we learn from the 2016 Emmy Awards?

If you think I'm going to be completely predictable by opening this post by bashing poor Giuliana Rancic, then yes, put your tarot cards away because I absolutely am. Creature of habit you know.

So Jerry Seinfeld is actually the one claiming he doesn't understand his presence at the show, but my highly evolved brain immediately heard and saw the words falling out of Rancic's mouth. Because it is the question I yell at security when they stop me 100 yards from the Red Carpet: "BUT WHY IS RANCIC HERE. WHY IS SHE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, DO YOU." 

Anyway, she wore a dress made of those lacy/sheer curtains your grandma has in her "sitting room" that no one goes in and that are full of dust and bones and cats and cat bones. 

I could go on forever, but in the words of critically acclaimed actress Jennifer Lopez, ENOUGH. 

To the show!

Fashion is confusing.

I don't claim to be a "fashionista," but I did have a pink, glittery sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 6th grade that said that, so, I don't know you do the math. Also, please admire my cropping/editng skills with this photoset. What can I say, some of us have it all. Anyway, these were the dresses that made me say, "Wait, what, why." 

Mandy Moore's dress looks like it'd be fun to wear. Like you'd want to swing your hips around saying "swish swish swish." But what was this swishy dress made of? Cheez Whiz? Dorito dust? Rumor has it someone threw milk and elbow macaroni on her at the after party and she turned into Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

Okay Robin Wright. The off-center front slip. The general glittery-Wet Seal nature. Those strappy stilettos from the shoe section of Forever21. This is like what those "bad" girls at your high school who smoked in the locker room wore to Homecoming freshman year while you wore a pastel church dress. And she kept standing like that, kind of legs apart as if she had just sat in a puddle and was trying to air dry her butt. That Robin Wright aint about swamp ass life. 

Kristen Bell couldn't decide if she wanted to be sexy or a bird lady so she did both! Drapey, curtain-like boob covers on top with an actual comforter on the bottom. Sources tell me Aziz Ansari was found at the after party napping in it.

Sarah Hyland's dress doubled as a table runner, creating the perfect setting at the aforementioned after party. To be honest, this top was so close to being a masterpiece. All she needed was pockets in both sides to slip her arms into, therefore allowing her to flap around as a pterodactyl. Who doesn't love a good pterodactyl dress?

Constantly yelling on Twitter about something, works.

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In this day and age, it's important to utilize the power of social media for good. Which is why I have focused on demanding Tatiana Maslany win every award since Orphan Black premiered in 2013. I'm not one for repetitive dramatics and unnecessary caps lock but T.MAS PLAYS EVERY MAIN CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. EVERY MAIN CHARACTER. SHE MEMORIZES 50 MILLION LINES A WEEK. I cannot express how emotionally affected I would have been had Oompa Loompa Claire Danes swooped in and stole the award with her so-called talons. It's important to understand that yes, all of the other actresses are great in their ONE role on their show. Our T.Ma$ is great in all 50 roles she plays. ALL OF THEM. TRY TO DEBATE ME ON THIS, I WILL DESTROY THE KEYS ON THIS KEYBOARD IN A SECOND.

Also she brought along this century's best accessory, Tom Cullen (stop playing like you don't remember Lady Mary kissing and dismissing him on Downton. That Mary was savage). She and this hot piece of beard are the undisputed, most beautiful couple in the world. I took a poll, trust me.

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I'm now wondering if my own wedding or someone else birthing my baby for me (my body's not trying to do that) will bring me as much joy as T.Mas finally winning. Some call that "sad" and also "creepily obsessed," but I call it a "completely normal connection to someone I've never met despite repeated attempts and continual Googling of home address."

Operation Have Kids with Bigger, Non-Asian Eyes is underway

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My little pocket prince did it! I don't know if the Emmys are trying to make up for past mistakes, but I accept. I also accept partial credit for his win because I started watching Mr. Robot a few hours before the Emmys. I just got so tired of Rami asking me to watch and also him constantly sending shirtless pics declaring his love for me. Per science, his big blue eyes plus my tiny brown specks will give our kids perfectly sized eyes that can't be blocked with a simple #2 pencil. If you could spread the word about our relationship, that'd be great: #Krami and/or #McMalek.

Constance Wu was styled by J.Lo, circa 2000

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That slicked back high ponytail. Those ho' hoops. That plunging neckline and drapey dress. Throw in a P.Diddy and I'd swear we'd traveled back in time. I hope Constance got to at least sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing" at the after party.

I will accept a face transplant from:

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Do you think Emilia Clarke gets tired of having the best face, hair, make-up and dress at every single show? It must be exhausting. She's a saint for doing it. While she didn't win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (despite the months I spent picketing outside of the Academy), she still holds the title for World's Best Haver of Eyebrows. A title that, to be honest, requires much more talent and skill than riding dragons and emerging naked from fire.

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Brows. Big wavy hair. Smug look. The winning trio. For those of you who don't spend hours on her Wikipedia page, Tori Kelly is a quarter Jamaican and a quarter Puerto Rican. And she writes her own music and plays the guitar and sings. She also nurses injured baby birds back to health, rescues orphaned seals, can whittle a kazoo from a log, can speak to animals, can Matilda move things with her mind and knows all the words to every Missy Elliot song. 

Women are funnier than men. Deal with it.

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Amy finally got her Emmy and her and Tina became the first joint winners of any Emmy category. Show me someone who doesn't think they are funny and I'll show you an Ursula masquerading as a human.

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Kate McKinnon became the first SNL cast member to win a major acting category and the fourth EVER to win an Emmy for the show. Only Chevy Chase, Dana Carvey and Gilda Radner have won in the past. Both Ellen and Hillary love her impressions of them AND she's a Ghostbuster, so, honestly what can be left on her vision board.

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This is the answer I was looking for in response to Failiana. While Amy didn't take home any awards, she convinced Maggie Smith to come to the after party and they drank 23 1/2 bottles of vodka then called Rihanna who met them at whatever club it is that Lauren Conrad always went to on The Hills where they drank 5 additional bottles of gin before buying an In-n-Out (the entire place) on the way home three days later. If that's not worth more than an Emmy, I don't know what is.

Game of Veep

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Best Drama Series, again. And now the show with the most Emmys ever with 38, beating Frasier's previous record of 37. Turns out dragons and swords and threats of winter are much better than tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, find out what your best friend's boyfriend's mom's neighbor's HBO Go log-in is so you can watch the episodes, "Hold the Door" and "Battle of the Bastards." Reason enough for the show to win.

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Don't tell Friends I said this, but Veep might be the funniest show ever. The writing. The cast. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 500 more seasons will not be enough. I wonder if Modern Family misses being prom queen because Veep snatched that wig ages ago and is never letting go.

Other notes:

• Every male actor is apparently dating "the hottest chick in the game"
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus' speech made me feel real human emotions, something I normally reserve for my annual viewing of Marley & Me
• Who invited Neve Campbell?

I leave you with Priyanka Chopra doing what she did down the entire Red Carpet, introducing me to what I guess I should do when entering any room for any reason. Thanks Pri-Pri.

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Emmy Predictions

Since the Emmys are next weekend, I thought I'd gift the world with my highly requested opinion on winners. Plus, my best friend Chloe is a surgeon and she has promised that for every prediction I get correct, she'll provide one free surgery. And I'm really interested in getting my kidneys to look a little more Gigi Hadid'ish and my gallbladder to be a bit more Lucy Liu'ish, ya know?

Before we jump into this imaginary pool (I say imaginary as award shows continue to ignore my demands for winners), let's take a moment to honor our two queens who made Emmy history this weekend at the Creative Emmys by becoming the first joint winners of any category.

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If we're being specific, they won for Best Comedy Series Guest Actress for when they co-hosted SNL earlier this year. I'm actually still pretty offended Tina and Amy didn't win a Nobel Peace Prize and Pulitzer for their 3-year stint hosting the Golden Globes, but again, these award organizations continue to shun my opinions and issue restraining orders.

As a note, I'm only making a few predictions in the categories I'm most invested in because I'm selfish.


Best Drama Series

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After being nominated for every season and always being the Judy Greer sidekick to whatever popular show ended that year (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc.), Game of Thrones finally won last year. Which, by the way, gave us this wondrous moment in history, which I absolutely have not had printed and framed:

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Okay so SPOILER ALERT, season 6 was insane. And by "season 6," I mean the last 3 episodes. Episodes 1-4 were not exactly enjoyable, while also being completely necessary for plot development. Kind of like how in college you had to take 6-10 shots to prepare yourself for going out because you were too poor to actually buy drinks while out. Suffering in the beginning pays off in the end (why this hasn't been a GoT tagline yet, I'll never know).

So, we all remember episode 5 and HOLD THE DOOR HOLD THE DOOR. Not just something people in New York shout while running toward the life ruining F train that apparently only runs every 4-5 days. But, the true four-letter moments came at the end. WTF TOMMEN. OH SHIT MARGERY (and everyone else). DAMN ARYA/SANSA/DAENERYS. The writers really packed it in at the end. Kind of like when you find out the buffet is closing in 10 minutes and you haven't even had your after dinner chicken fingers yet.

Best Actress in a Drama Series

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If you are some hideous sea creature who hates shows with a strong female lead and an increasingly interesting storyline each season, Orphan Black is definitely not for you. First off, Tatiana Maslany plays EVERY SINGLE MAIN CHARACTER. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Meaning, when the cast is sent scripts, 2/3 of it is all her. So she memorizes lines and gets into make-up and wardrobe for one billion different characters. Which, I know, our very own Lady Seacrest does the same when he slips into whatever human costume he's bought for the day, but this is different -- she does it well. 

Despite my barrage of all caps remarks on Twitter, the Emmys only nominated her for the first time last year. Which, I assume means they've preheated the oven for a Maslany win this year. And if she gets Poehler'd next year and goes without a win for the entirety of the series, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

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I'm going to preface this by saying I know Julia Louis-Dreyfus will win. They should honestly rename the category "Best Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a Julia Louis-Dreyfus Role." But, I love to support my friends and hold out hope for a Schumer miracle. 

I can't recall the serendipitous event that led me to watch Inside Amy Schumer from season 1, but it happened and we're all better because of it. The writing is obviously hilarious (to those of us who have this thing called "a sense of humor" and also "intelligence"), but even better is that she gets her friends like Amber Tamblyn, Bridget Everett and Nikki Glaser to guest star pretty regularly. And also this lady, who I don't know, maybe I've heard of or mentioned. Who's keeping track of how many lower back tattoos I have of her name in different languages, honestly.

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Best Actor in a Drama Series

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I have never seen Mr. Robot but based on Rami Malek's face and also eyes and also placement of said eyes on said face, I am 100% sure he should win. I remember when we first met, he was a Marine in that WWII series "The Pacific" and I was a recent graduate with a few months to spare before "real adulthood" and thus plenty of sweatpants time to spare to dedicate to a mini-series. Even then, I was drawn to his almost transparent, creepy ghost eyes. And little known fact: he can dice whole tomatoes with that jawline. 

My point here is, I've loved him for a while which makes me a good judge to decide who wins Best Actor in a Drama.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

I honestly just wanted to bring this up because THREE actresses from Game of Thrones are nominated. While we can all agree that Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows should win, Sophie Turner really deserved this one. And no nomination! This boss ass bitch fed Ramsay to some actual bitches, then walked away delivering the smirk of the century. Sansa finally became funsa! 

Anyway, let's hope for some sort of write-in situation.

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Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

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Okay so I was a huge fan of season 1 of "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt." But, to be honest, Titus Burgess is what kept things going in season 2 (OMG GASP YES I SAID IT, SO SORRY JANE KRAKOWSKI AND ELLIE KEMPER). Ellie is a precious baby dinosaur and Jane is well, Jenna from 30 Rock still. I'm not drinking from the haterade punch bowl, simply saying that I made the punch and brought it. 

I would honestly just watch a compilation of Titus Andromedon lines strung together with absolutely no context. Which actually, I have done and you can too.

Alright. I figured by only making a few predictions as opposed to the long list written in blood I normally send to the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, they'd appease me. Because that's how deciding winners of anything works.

See you next Sunday!