What did we learn from the 2019 Emmys?

First and foremost, the Emmys were already in the negative FOR COMPLETELY SHUTTING OUT BEYONCE'S HOMECOMING FILM. She was nominated in 6 categories at the Creative Arts Emmys and her biggest loss was Outstanding Variety Special to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Y'all. Carpool Karaoke beat this:

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Beyonce had twins, ate only lettuce for months, went to 40 spin classes a day between hours of dance practice, and created an artistic masterpiece for Coachella. Meanwhile, James Corden taped a camera to his windshield. SCREAMING.

Luckily, the 14-hour E! Red Carpet caught wind of my anguish and opted out of their normal stupidity this year. Just kidding Rancic brought out her skunk tail and sprayed everyone with the stench of stupid questions. Letting Emilia Clarke and Lin Manuel Miranda's facial expressions speak for all of us:

I realized E!'s red carpet interviews have gotten really long. Over the course of the 400 hour pre-show, they only talked to maybe 10 celebs, tops, compared to the 5,000 Seacrest used to torture in his heyday. This ratio tells me that most A-listers are opting to skip these interviews because, well, it's better for their skin and probably overall wellness.

Speaking of looking your best...

Best dressed

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CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE ZENDAYA INVENTED THE COLOR GREEN. She showed up 2 minutes before the show started and breezed past the media line like the most glamorous gust of wind ever. Hair, makeup, dress, THIS ENTIRE LOOK. I'm screaming. How many studios do you think immediately approached her about a Poison Ivy reboot.

Last thing I'll scream about Zendaya is you should love yourself, but also, if someone offered me the chance to change my entire face and body to be Zendaya, there would be a Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the wall of me barreling through to sign the papers.

Honorary mentions

Emilia Clarke is always in my top 5 during awards season so she obvi didn't disappoint. How mad do you think Joey Potter is that Emilia stole her trademark for the middle part? Also, do you think I can wear this dress to work? I love that she fashioned a dress top out of two pieces of tissue paper — rumor has it, she used it later to stuff a gift for her best friend. We stan a Khaleesi who uses multi-purpose materials! My favorite part of this entire look is the dress' pockets. I am absolutely positive Emilia is someone (like me) who screams "BUT LOOK, IT HAS POCKETS!!" to anyone who will listen, while swishing around.

Including Mandy Moore's Emmys look and after-party look because I haven't seen a more flawless transition since the dissolve slide transition in the 2002 version of Power Point. Love that she drew inspiration from the two best Starburst flavors, which yes speaking of candy, I was upset that she once again did not win an award meaning she DID NOT get to perform "Candy," which is what she would be legally obligated to do.

To the show!

MI'BUSY IS BACK
I love when Michelle Williams is nominated (which is almost every year) because she ALWAYS brings BFF Busy. Here is a story in three parts of their journey at the Emmys from Busy's IG story:

Apparently when you arrive, EVERYONE has to wait in line to walk the carpet. And it was in the 90s on Sunday evening in LA, so can you even imagine how much melted bronzer and foundation was all over that carpet. After getting through the line, they were late getting into the show, so they had to wait by the doors during the (kind of dumb) intro. And after Michelle won, Busy carried her award AS ANY GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES while Michelle answered her 5 billion texts. As my friends know, any awards they get, I get too. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP.

Offering some clarification because I needed it: Michelle won the lead actress in a limited series or TV movie category for her work in "Fosse/Verdon," NOT as late recognition for her work on "Dawson's Creek." I know, I was surprised too.

Anyway, this was Busy's reaction during Michelle's acceptance speech:

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Michelle used her stage time to talk about pay inequality in Hollywood, particularly for women of color.

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She ended her speech by mentioning her daughter (with Heath Ledger): "For Matilda, this is for you like everything else" and when I say the tears gushed out, I mean it was a family-sized pack of Gushers in here.

I remain the #1 fan of this friendship and will continue to send them poorly recorded videos of me singing that Paula Cole song I only associate with "Dawson's Creek" until they let me into the friend group.

While on the topic of Dawson
Can someone let me know if I think James Van Der Beek is attractive?

Like I know this suit jacket looks like salmon sashimi that's been out too long, but also, I think I would let him Dawson my Creek? (AYYYYYY, you're welcome).

Billy Porter invented hats

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Billy is the first openly black gay man to win the lead actor in a drama category for his work on "Pose," and he delivered on the fashion and the speech (check it out here). And now he's only one award (the O) away from an EGOT! I also want to note that when he won, he ran up the stairs in 6-inch platforms, which actually should've earned him the Oscar on the spot completing his EGOT.

Well this was unexpected
Phoebe Waller-Bridge and "Fleabag" came through with the upset over "Veep," winning the awards for lead actress in a comedy, comedy series, and writing for a comedy series. I would like to say no one was more shocked than me, but Phoebe proved me wrong:

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And get ready for what may be unpopular opinion: I liked "Fleabag" (the second season more) and found some parts funny, but I def wasn't as obsessed with it as Twitter told me to be. And I do love PWB, but honestly I love what she does for "Killing Eve" more than anything.

Speaking of, Phoebe getting nominated in comedy and drama categories is pretty freaking great. I have personally only been nominated in both a total of zero times, so I can attest to the difficulty.

Speaking of Killing Eve....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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The lead actress in a drama category was more stacked than my plates at a Vegas buffet and included Emilia Clarke, Sandra Oh and okay those are the only two besides Jodie I would've accepted winning. But I wanted Jodie to win THE MOST. If you've ever seen "Killing Eve" you understand. She has such good comedic timing and makes being a serial assassin look like such a delight (also her character's fashion is ABOVE AND BEYOND anyone else).

She accepted her award wearing all white, featuring no barbecue sauce stains which wow, how. And mentioned she didn't bring her parents to the ceremony because she didn't think she'd win. Leaving you with this moment of Jodie walking offstage with Gwyneth Paltrow, who presented the award:

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I learned that in this moment, Gwyneth could be heard asking Jodie "Do you know any of the nominees?" Um. One of the nominees was Sandra Oh. Who is in the same show as Jodie. Gwyneth literally announced the nominees and had to say both of their names followed by "Killing Eve."

Wait, on the topic of Gwyneth....

When you remember how to do regular human things like walk

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Y'all, this gif is sped up because I'm not exaggerating when I say it took her 8 minutes to walk the 15 feet from backstage to the mic. It's like she was just fitted for these legs and is testing them out for the first time. That or beneath that dress is a bunch of tiny squirrels on each others shoulders pretending to be legs. Honestly, we'll never know.

As a note, I always feel a teensy bit bad making fun of people EXCEPT for Gwyneth who I know is an evil cyborg who has no feelings. For me, it's like making fun of a vacuum (because she really sucks the fun out of everything OOOOOH).

The only one who deserved to win over my husband, Mahershala Ali

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Jharrel Jerome won the award for lead actor in a limited series or TV movie for "When They See Us," and this was Jharrel's first Emmy nomination and first win (1 for 1!). He thanked his mom, who he brought as his date, and the "Exonerated Five" and was absolutely one of the most deserving winners of the night. He's also the first Afro-Latino to win an acting Emmy and the youngest to win the category, major!

Also of note, he had the best stage exit of the night:

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AND NONE FOR BRAN
During one of the 40 tributes to Game of Thrones over the course of the evening, the "main" cast members came onstage to present the award for supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie:

The thing is, I'd say Theon and Melisande (actors on the ends) were not on the show's first string team, but they got to be onstage INSTEAD OF BRAN (insert whatever his real name is here), AKA THE CHARACTER WHO TOOK THE IRON THRONE IN THE END. I screamed at the distinction, not that we needed confirmation that his character (and the show's ending) were dumb as hell. We did get this quick shot of him in the audience, applauding the cast like everyone else:

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While we're on this topic....

In which no one is surprised

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Game of Thrones won the Emmy for drama series, I think because it was promised to them from the get-go, not because the final season was actually good. The last time I saw this many white people on stage was, well, just a few moments before when John Oliver won the award for variety talk series. The show's writer-directors David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave the acceptance speech because we really all need to hear from them about as much as I need to hear a train whistle in my ear.

Now, I was a huge GoT fan (enough to use the abbreviation), which is why I know the finale was trash. In a poll designed by me given to me by me, all respondents agreed "Killing Eve" should've won.

Some final notes to wrap this up: Yes, we were all laughing AT Kim and Kendall Kardashian not with them; Yes, Sansa Jonas (aka Sophie Turner) should've won the supporting actress in a drama series award; No, I still do not consider The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a comedy; and No, I still do not want to watch Ozark.

Thanks for reading! Til next time, find me sending my friends closeups of my head asking if I can pull off a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2016 Emmy Awards?

If you think I'm going to be completely predictable by opening this post by bashing poor Giuliana Rancic, then yes, put your tarot cards away because I absolutely am. Creature of habit you know.

So Jerry Seinfeld is actually the one claiming he doesn't understand his presence at the show, but my highly evolved brain immediately heard and saw the words falling out of Rancic's mouth. Because it is the question I yell at security when they stop me 100 yards from the Red Carpet: "BUT WHY IS RANCIC HERE. WHY IS SHE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, DO YOU." 

Anyway, she wore a dress made of those lacy/sheer curtains your grandma has in her "sitting room" that no one goes in and that are full of dust and bones and cats and cat bones. 

I could go on forever, but in the words of critically acclaimed actress Jennifer Lopez, ENOUGH. 

To the show!

Fashion is confusing.

I don't claim to be a "fashionista," but I did have a pink, glittery sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 6th grade that said that, so, I don't know you do the math. Also, please admire my cropping/editng skills with this photoset. What can I say, some of us have it all. Anyway, these were the dresses that made me say, "Wait, what, why." 

Mandy Moore's dress looks like it'd be fun to wear. Like you'd want to swing your hips around saying "swish swish swish." But what was this swishy dress made of? Cheez Whiz? Dorito dust? Rumor has it someone threw milk and elbow macaroni on her at the after party and she turned into Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

Okay Robin Wright. The off-center front slip. The general glittery-Wet Seal nature. Those strappy stilettos from the shoe section of Forever21. This is like what those "bad" girls at your high school who smoked in the locker room wore to Homecoming freshman year while you wore a pastel church dress. And she kept standing like that, kind of legs apart as if she had just sat in a puddle and was trying to air dry her butt. That Robin Wright aint about swamp ass life. 

Kristen Bell couldn't decide if she wanted to be sexy or a bird lady so she did both! Drapey, curtain-like boob covers on top with an actual comforter on the bottom. Sources tell me Aziz Ansari was found at the after party napping in it.

Sarah Hyland's dress doubled as a table runner, creating the perfect setting at the aforementioned after party. To be honest, this top was so close to being a masterpiece. All she needed was pockets in both sides to slip her arms into, therefore allowing her to flap around as a pterodactyl. Who doesn't love a good pterodactyl dress?

Constantly yelling on Twitter about something, works.

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In this day and age, it's important to utilize the power of social media for good. Which is why I have focused on demanding Tatiana Maslany win every award since Orphan Black premiered in 2013. I'm not one for repetitive dramatics and unnecessary caps lock but T.MAS PLAYS EVERY MAIN CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. EVERY MAIN CHARACTER. SHE MEMORIZES 50 MILLION LINES A WEEK. I cannot express how emotionally affected I would have been had Oompa Loompa Claire Danes swooped in and stole the award with her so-called talons. It's important to understand that yes, all of the other actresses are great in their ONE role on their show. Our T.Ma$ is great in all 50 roles she plays. ALL OF THEM. TRY TO DEBATE ME ON THIS, I WILL DESTROY THE KEYS ON THIS KEYBOARD IN A SECOND.

Also she brought along this century's best accessory, Tom Cullen (stop playing like you don't remember Lady Mary kissing and dismissing him on Downton. That Mary was savage). She and this hot piece of beard are the undisputed, most beautiful couple in the world. I took a poll, trust me.

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I'm now wondering if my own wedding or someone else birthing my baby for me (my body's not trying to do that) will bring me as much joy as T.Mas finally winning. Some call that "sad" and also "creepily obsessed," but I call it a "completely normal connection to someone I've never met despite repeated attempts and continual Googling of home address."

Operation Have Kids with Bigger, Non-Asian Eyes is underway

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My little pocket prince did it! I don't know if the Emmys are trying to make up for past mistakes, but I accept. I also accept partial credit for his win because I started watching Mr. Robot a few hours before the Emmys. I just got so tired of Rami asking me to watch and also him constantly sending shirtless pics declaring his love for me. Per science, his big blue eyes plus my tiny brown specks will give our kids perfectly sized eyes that can't be blocked with a simple #2 pencil. If you could spread the word about our relationship, that'd be great: #Krami and/or #McMalek.

Constance Wu was styled by J.Lo, circa 2000

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That slicked back high ponytail. Those ho' hoops. That plunging neckline and drapey dress. Throw in a P.Diddy and I'd swear we'd traveled back in time. I hope Constance got to at least sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing" at the after party.

I will accept a face transplant from:

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Do you think Emilia Clarke gets tired of having the best face, hair, make-up and dress at every single show? It must be exhausting. She's a saint for doing it. While she didn't win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (despite the months I spent picketing outside of the Academy), she still holds the title for World's Best Haver of Eyebrows. A title that, to be honest, requires much more talent and skill than riding dragons and emerging naked from fire.

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Brows. Big wavy hair. Smug look. The winning trio. For those of you who don't spend hours on her Wikipedia page, Tori Kelly is a quarter Jamaican and a quarter Puerto Rican. And she writes her own music and plays the guitar and sings. She also nurses injured baby birds back to health, rescues orphaned seals, can whittle a kazoo from a log, can speak to animals, can Matilda move things with her mind and knows all the words to every Missy Elliot song. 

Women are funnier than men. Deal with it.

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Amy finally got her Emmy and her and Tina became the first joint winners of any Emmy category. Show me someone who doesn't think they are funny and I'll show you an Ursula masquerading as a human.

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Kate McKinnon became the first SNL cast member to win a major acting category and the fourth EVER to win an Emmy for the show. Only Chevy Chase, Dana Carvey and Gilda Radner have won in the past. Both Ellen and Hillary love her impressions of them AND she's a Ghostbuster, so, honestly what can be left on her vision board.

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This is the answer I was looking for in response to Failiana. While Amy didn't take home any awards, she convinced Maggie Smith to come to the after party and they drank 23 1/2 bottles of vodka then called Rihanna who met them at whatever club it is that Lauren Conrad always went to on The Hills where they drank 5 additional bottles of gin before buying an In-n-Out (the entire place) on the way home three days later. If that's not worth more than an Emmy, I don't know what is.

Game of Veep

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Best Drama Series, again. And now the show with the most Emmys ever with 38, beating Frasier's previous record of 37. Turns out dragons and swords and threats of winter are much better than tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, find out what your best friend's boyfriend's mom's neighbor's HBO Go log-in is so you can watch the episodes, "Hold the Door" and "Battle of the Bastards." Reason enough for the show to win.

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Don't tell Friends I said this, but Veep might be the funniest show ever. The writing. The cast. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 500 more seasons will not be enough. I wonder if Modern Family misses being prom queen because Veep snatched that wig ages ago and is never letting go.

Other notes:

• Every male actor is apparently dating "the hottest chick in the game"
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus' speech made me feel real human emotions, something I normally reserve for my annual viewing of Marley & Me
• Who invited Neve Campbell?

I leave you with Priyanka Chopra doing what she did down the entire Red Carpet, introducing me to what I guess I should do when entering any room for any reason. Thanks Pri-Pri.

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Emmy Predictions

Since the Emmys are next weekend, I thought I'd gift the world with my highly requested opinion on winners. Plus, my best friend Chloe is a surgeon and she has promised that for every prediction I get correct, she'll provide one free surgery. And I'm really interested in getting my kidneys to look a little more Gigi Hadid'ish and my gallbladder to be a bit more Lucy Liu'ish, ya know?

Before we jump into this imaginary pool (I say imaginary as award shows continue to ignore my demands for winners), let's take a moment to honor our two queens who made Emmy history this weekend at the Creative Emmys by becoming the first joint winners of any category.

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If we're being specific, they won for Best Comedy Series Guest Actress for when they co-hosted SNL earlier this year. I'm actually still pretty offended Tina and Amy didn't win a Nobel Peace Prize and Pulitzer for their 3-year stint hosting the Golden Globes, but again, these award organizations continue to shun my opinions and issue restraining orders.

As a note, I'm only making a few predictions in the categories I'm most invested in because I'm selfish.


Best Drama Series

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After being nominated for every season and always being the Judy Greer sidekick to whatever popular show ended that year (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, etc.), Game of Thrones finally won last year. Which, by the way, gave us this wondrous moment in history, which I absolutely have not had printed and framed:

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Okay so SPOILER ALERT, season 6 was insane. And by "season 6," I mean the last 3 episodes. Episodes 1-4 were not exactly enjoyable, while also being completely necessary for plot development. Kind of like how in college you had to take 6-10 shots to prepare yourself for going out because you were too poor to actually buy drinks while out. Suffering in the beginning pays off in the end (why this hasn't been a GoT tagline yet, I'll never know).

So, we all remember episode 5 and HOLD THE DOOR HOLD THE DOOR. Not just something people in New York shout while running toward the life ruining F train that apparently only runs every 4-5 days. But, the true four-letter moments came at the end. WTF TOMMEN. OH SHIT MARGERY (and everyone else). DAMN ARYA/SANSA/DAENERYS. The writers really packed it in at the end. Kind of like when you find out the buffet is closing in 10 minutes and you haven't even had your after dinner chicken fingers yet.

Best Actress in a Drama Series

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If you are some hideous sea creature who hates shows with a strong female lead and an increasingly interesting storyline each season, Orphan Black is definitely not for you. First off, Tatiana Maslany plays EVERY SINGLE MAIN CHARACTER. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Meaning, when the cast is sent scripts, 2/3 of it is all her. So she memorizes lines and gets into make-up and wardrobe for one billion different characters. Which, I know, our very own Lady Seacrest does the same when he slips into whatever human costume he's bought for the day, but this is different -- she does it well. 

Despite my barrage of all caps remarks on Twitter, the Emmys only nominated her for the first time last year. Which, I assume means they've preheated the oven for a Maslany win this year. And if she gets Poehler'd next year and goes without a win for the entirety of the series, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN.

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

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I'm going to preface this by saying I know Julia Louis-Dreyfus will win. They should honestly rename the category "Best Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a Julia Louis-Dreyfus Role." But, I love to support my friends and hold out hope for a Schumer miracle. 

I can't recall the serendipitous event that led me to watch Inside Amy Schumer from season 1, but it happened and we're all better because of it. The writing is obviously hilarious (to those of us who have this thing called "a sense of humor" and also "intelligence"), but even better is that she gets her friends like Amber Tamblyn, Bridget Everett and Nikki Glaser to guest star pretty regularly. And also this lady, who I don't know, maybe I've heard of or mentioned. Who's keeping track of how many lower back tattoos I have of her name in different languages, honestly.

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Best Actor in a Drama Series

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I have never seen Mr. Robot but based on Rami Malek's face and also eyes and also placement of said eyes on said face, I am 100% sure he should win. I remember when we first met, he was a Marine in that WWII series "The Pacific" and I was a recent graduate with a few months to spare before "real adulthood" and thus plenty of sweatpants time to spare to dedicate to a mini-series. Even then, I was drawn to his almost transparent, creepy ghost eyes. And little known fact: he can dice whole tomatoes with that jawline. 

My point here is, I've loved him for a while which makes me a good judge to decide who wins Best Actor in a Drama.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

I honestly just wanted to bring this up because THREE actresses from Game of Thrones are nominated. While we can all agree that Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows should win, Sophie Turner really deserved this one. And no nomination! This boss ass bitch fed Ramsay to some actual bitches, then walked away delivering the smirk of the century. Sansa finally became funsa! 

Anyway, let's hope for some sort of write-in situation.

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Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

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Okay so I was a huge fan of season 1 of "The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt." But, to be honest, Titus Burgess is what kept things going in season 2 (OMG GASP YES I SAID IT, SO SORRY JANE KRAKOWSKI AND ELLIE KEMPER). Ellie is a precious baby dinosaur and Jane is well, Jenna from 30 Rock still. I'm not drinking from the haterade punch bowl, simply saying that I made the punch and brought it. 

I would honestly just watch a compilation of Titus Andromedon lines strung together with absolutely no context. Which actually, I have done and you can too.

Alright. I figured by only making a few predictions as opposed to the long list written in blood I normally send to the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, they'd appease me. Because that's how deciding winners of anything works.

See you next Sunday!