What did we learn from the 2020 Emmys?

It is (apparently) awards season, again! Because there's nothing we all needed more than to witness a giant Zoom meeting with 100 celebs. 

For this year's virtual event, nominees were sent "DIY video kits" to set up in their homes, which means there are hundreds of personal assistants who are now experts in A/V tech support. This also means we got to see who among the Hollywood bunch pays for actual good internet service and who is just using spoons taped to each other aimed at the sky.

Upfront I'll tell you the biggest takeaway of the evening was Laura Dern did not win an Emmy from home and neither did I, so we finally have something in common. 

Now, let's get into it!

Things I enjoyed

1)  ZENDAYA'S WIN!!!

If you've learned one thing from this blog, it's that I like to get unreasonably emotionally invested in celebrity matters. For the Emmys, I invested all of my energy into Zendaya needing to win lead actress in a drama. And she did it! Youngest Emmy winner EVER in the category! I didn't write an honors thesis in college so this is about to be it. No one gave a better dramatic performance this year than Zendaya did in "Euphoria." The range. How she was completely Rue, inside and out. How "Euphoria" made me feel unbelievably anxious for an entire season in large part thanks to her acting (and also Jacob Elordi's scarily convincing turn as a violent, unpredictable terror). 

The category was pretty stacked and not to get on the shitting-on-Ozark train, but I am the conductor so, I was VERY worried they'd give the award to Laura Linney instead. In terms of rankings, she was at the bottom of my list and these shows LOVE to award whoever is ranked last on Kristi's list, so it was a substantiated worry. But the award went to *GASP* the actress who actually deserved it! A novel concept!

2)  Regina King continuing her awards show reign

After Schitt's dominated the comedy categories, we.....watched.....the limited series awards rack up for "Watchmen" (I know you're cracking up at that, thanks). The show won 11 Emmys, of course including Regina King for lead actress and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II for supporting actor. And while we know Regina King can do it all, let's just take a look at the receipts of her greatness because it's fun (thanks to Erik Davis): 

• 2015: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2016: Emmy for "American Crime"
• 2018: Emmy for "Seven Seconds"
• 2019: Oscar for "If Beale Street Could Talk"
  
• 2020: Emmy for "Watchmen"

3)  "Schitt's Creek," an ACTUAL comedy, winning all of the comedy Emmys

And I mean ALL of them. A total of 9 awards, it's the most a comedy has ever won in a single year. The entire first hour of the show was just a Real Housewives of Schitt's Creek reunion (minus Andy Cohen) with every cast member accepting awards. They swept awards in all four acting categories (the first show, comedy or drama, to ever do it) plus awards for directing and writing. Like damn Emmys, calm down, we get it. You liked the final season. (I'm also quietly whispering that I was a little disappointed "The Good Place" got nothing, especially D'Arcy Carden.) 

Schitt's winning so much was shocking purely because the Television Academy LOVES to give comedy awards to shows that are NOT comedies. As the self-appointed lifeguard monitoring the pool of comedies, I'll admit there's definitely a range of depth when it comes to comedy. So we have shows like "The Big Bang Theory" in the shallow end, shows like Schitt's somewhere in the middle and shows like "Insecure" in the deep end. And then you have shows like "Dead to Me" and "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" that aren't even at the pool. In fact, they've never seen a pool, so when they get recognized as the best pool goers it boggles my mind. The point here is it's good to see a show from the actual pool party win it all.

4)  Uzo Aduba winning supporting actress in a limited series for playing Shirley Chisholm in "Mrs. America" 

I love her and while I have never legally acquired an Emmy, I have yelled the same sentiment to my mom after winning a level of Candy Crush (back when that was a thing), so I felt a kinship to her reaction. 

5) "Succession" dominating the drama categories

The show won 7 Emmys, including best drama, which more importantly means we got to hear the theme song play 7 times. It is, hands down, the best TV theme song ever (just edging out TLC's "All That" theme), so much so that when I binged the first two seasons, I sat through the opening credits every time. Music aside, this past season was actually a real...Roy'llercoaster (lollllllll)...that ended with a wild ass finale. The fact that HBO has "Succession" AND "Watchmen" AND "Insecure" AND "This May Destroy You," I mean phew. There's a reason they won the most awards of any network (and they probably will next year too).

Things I did not enjoy

1)  Jimmy Kimmel's hosting. We've gone without a lot of things in 2020, but ABC wanted to ensure we did not have to go without some Jimmy Kimmel. Similar to an acquaintance (not even a friend) coming over to your house and clogging your toilet, his entire presence was just unnecessarily shitty. And because I'm a problem solver, I've compiled a list of things we could've filled the time with instead:

• This live cam of sea otters at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
• This Blackpink music video on loop
• Tina and Amy's opening monologue from the 2013 Golden Globes
• This 12-hour fireplace YouTube video
• Honestly, a blank screen

2)  Anything involving "Ozark" because as a reminder, I still refuse to watch it. Sorry. I would rather watch a potato cook in the microwave. And why such a strong negative reaction? It's the Bateman factor. Anytime I watch him in anything, I can't NOT make a "does something smell" face. And those are facial lines I cannot afford these days. Also if I want to watch a dysfunctional white family doing crimes, I will watch "Succession," thanks.

3)  Billy Crudup breaking up the "Succession" streak by winning the Emmy for supporting actor in a drama. Even though he went to UNC, I cannot stand this man. Y'all remember in the early 00s when he ABANDONED his then-six-months pregnant girlfriend Mary Louise-Parker for Clare Danes?? If you don't remember, don't worry I do and I'm holding a grudge for all of us. The point is he has a history of breaking up things, so let's just throw this man straight in the trash. 

Things I'm unsure about

Can you even believe I've gone almost an entire post without objectifying a few men while wavering about if I should date them? Right well we've reached that part of the post now. If y'all could help me decide here, that'd be great.

Jeremy Strong, yes or yes?

He continued his awards show tradition of wearing ill fitting, fugly brown suits, but this year added an extra pop of brown with an unnecessary scarf. No one has confused my senses more. Sometimes I find him really attractive? And other times, I'm like why are his shoulders so small? As you can imagine, watching "Succession" took a real emotional toll on me because I was constantly flip flopping on if I should consider dating him. And to respond to what you're thinking, yes I agree I am a complex thinker capable of absorbing a tv show WHILE making totally real life relationship decisions.

Paul Mescal, yes or yes please?

I think I have a clearer answer on this one and it's that I find Connell on "Normal People" attractive, but not necessarily Paul Mescal. Which speaking of, if you're trying to feel depressed for an entire afternoon (because you'll definitely binge the show all at once), I highly recommend the series. And then you'll understand why there is an entire Twitter account dedicated to Connell's chain. The bottomline here is after staring at this screenshot, it turns out I would in fact like to date him. He has a plant! What a responsible man.

Wrapping up this section by clarifying that despite my public show of indecisiveness, there is a 140% chance I would marry both of these men. They get that good TV money and could fund my wiener dog habit.

And that's it! Jimmy Kimmel aside, the show didn't go as terribly as I expected. And in terms of actual award winners, this was one of the best years for both me and also my neighbors who did not have to endure my reactionary intermittent screeching.

Speaking of screeching, yet another thing no one needs is returning — the Bachelorette! See you all soon for that!

What did we learn from the 2019 Emmys?

First and foremost, the Emmys were already in the negative FOR COMPLETELY SHUTTING OUT BEYONCE'S HOMECOMING FILM. She was nominated in 6 categories at the Creative Arts Emmys and her biggest loss was Outstanding Variety Special to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Y'all. Carpool Karaoke beat this:

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Beyonce had twins, ate only lettuce for months, went to 40 spin classes a day between hours of dance practice, and created an artistic masterpiece for Coachella. Meanwhile, James Corden taped a camera to his windshield. SCREAMING.

Luckily, the 14-hour E! Red Carpet caught wind of my anguish and opted out of their normal stupidity this year. Just kidding Rancic brought out her skunk tail and sprayed everyone with the stench of stupid questions. Letting Emilia Clarke and Lin Manuel Miranda's facial expressions speak for all of us:

I realized E!'s red carpet interviews have gotten really long. Over the course of the 400 hour pre-show, they only talked to maybe 10 celebs, tops, compared to the 5,000 Seacrest used to torture in his heyday. This ratio tells me that most A-listers are opting to skip these interviews because, well, it's better for their skin and probably overall wellness.

Speaking of looking your best...

Best dressed

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CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE ZENDAYA INVENTED THE COLOR GREEN. She showed up 2 minutes before the show started and breezed past the media line like the most glamorous gust of wind ever. Hair, makeup, dress, THIS ENTIRE LOOK. I'm screaming. How many studios do you think immediately approached her about a Poison Ivy reboot.

Last thing I'll scream about Zendaya is you should love yourself, but also, if someone offered me the chance to change my entire face and body to be Zendaya, there would be a Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the wall of me barreling through to sign the papers.

Honorary mentions

Emilia Clarke is always in my top 5 during awards season so she obvi didn't disappoint. How mad do you think Joey Potter is that Emilia stole her trademark for the middle part? Also, do you think I can wear this dress to work? I love that she fashioned a dress top out of two pieces of tissue paper — rumor has it, she used it later to stuff a gift for her best friend. We stan a Khaleesi who uses multi-purpose materials! My favorite part of this entire look is the dress' pockets. I am absolutely positive Emilia is someone (like me) who screams "BUT LOOK, IT HAS POCKETS!!" to anyone who will listen, while swishing around.

Including Mandy Moore's Emmys look and after-party look because I haven't seen a more flawless transition since the dissolve slide transition in the 2002 version of Power Point. Love that she drew inspiration from the two best Starburst flavors, which yes speaking of candy, I was upset that she once again did not win an award meaning she DID NOT get to perform "Candy," which is what she would be legally obligated to do.

To the show!

MI'BUSY IS BACK
I love when Michelle Williams is nominated (which is almost every year) because she ALWAYS brings BFF Busy. Here is a story in three parts of their journey at the Emmys from Busy's IG story:

Apparently when you arrive, EVERYONE has to wait in line to walk the carpet. And it was in the 90s on Sunday evening in LA, so can you even imagine how much melted bronzer and foundation was all over that carpet. After getting through the line, they were late getting into the show, so they had to wait by the doors during the (kind of dumb) intro. And after Michelle won, Busy carried her award AS ANY GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES while Michelle answered her 5 billion texts. As my friends know, any awards they get, I get too. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP.

Offering some clarification because I needed it: Michelle won the lead actress in a limited series or TV movie category for her work in "Fosse/Verdon," NOT as late recognition for her work on "Dawson's Creek." I know, I was surprised too.

Anyway, this was Busy's reaction during Michelle's acceptance speech:

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Michelle used her stage time to talk about pay inequality in Hollywood, particularly for women of color.

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She ended her speech by mentioning her daughter (with Heath Ledger): "For Matilda, this is for you like everything else" and when I say the tears gushed out, I mean it was a family-sized pack of Gushers in here.

I remain the #1 fan of this friendship and will continue to send them poorly recorded videos of me singing that Paula Cole song I only associate with "Dawson's Creek" until they let me into the friend group.

While on the topic of Dawson
Can someone let me know if I think James Van Der Beek is attractive?

Like I know this suit jacket looks like salmon sashimi that's been out too long, but also, I think I would let him Dawson my Creek? (AYYYYYY, you're welcome).

Billy Porter invented hats

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Billy is the first openly black gay man to win the lead actor in a drama category for his work on "Pose," and he delivered on the fashion and the speech (check it out here). And now he's only one award (the O) away from an EGOT! I also want to note that when he won, he ran up the stairs in 6-inch platforms, which actually should've earned him the Oscar on the spot completing his EGOT.

Well this was unexpected
Phoebe Waller-Bridge and "Fleabag" came through with the upset over "Veep," winning the awards for lead actress in a comedy, comedy series, and writing for a comedy series. I would like to say no one was more shocked than me, but Phoebe proved me wrong:

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And get ready for what may be unpopular opinion: I liked "Fleabag" (the second season more) and found some parts funny, but I def wasn't as obsessed with it as Twitter told me to be. And I do love PWB, but honestly I love what she does for "Killing Eve" more than anything.

Speaking of, Phoebe getting nominated in comedy and drama categories is pretty freaking great. I have personally only been nominated in both a total of zero times, so I can attest to the difficulty.

Speaking of Killing Eve....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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The lead actress in a drama category was more stacked than my plates at a Vegas buffet and included Emilia Clarke, Sandra Oh and okay those are the only two besides Jodie I would've accepted winning. But I wanted Jodie to win THE MOST. If you've ever seen "Killing Eve" you understand. She has such good comedic timing and makes being a serial assassin look like such a delight (also her character's fashion is ABOVE AND BEYOND anyone else).

She accepted her award wearing all white, featuring no barbecue sauce stains which wow, how. And mentioned she didn't bring her parents to the ceremony because she didn't think she'd win. Leaving you with this moment of Jodie walking offstage with Gwyneth Paltrow, who presented the award:

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I learned that in this moment, Gwyneth could be heard asking Jodie "Do you know any of the nominees?" Um. One of the nominees was Sandra Oh. Who is in the same show as Jodie. Gwyneth literally announced the nominees and had to say both of their names followed by "Killing Eve."

Wait, on the topic of Gwyneth....

When you remember how to do regular human things like walk

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Y'all, this gif is sped up because I'm not exaggerating when I say it took her 8 minutes to walk the 15 feet from backstage to the mic. It's like she was just fitted for these legs and is testing them out for the first time. That or beneath that dress is a bunch of tiny squirrels on each others shoulders pretending to be legs. Honestly, we'll never know.

As a note, I always feel a teensy bit bad making fun of people EXCEPT for Gwyneth who I know is an evil cyborg who has no feelings. For me, it's like making fun of a vacuum (because she really sucks the fun out of everything OOOOOH).

The only one who deserved to win over my husband, Mahershala Ali

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Jharrel Jerome won the award for lead actor in a limited series or TV movie for "When They See Us," and this was Jharrel's first Emmy nomination and first win (1 for 1!). He thanked his mom, who he brought as his date, and the "Exonerated Five" and was absolutely one of the most deserving winners of the night. He's also the first Afro-Latino to win an acting Emmy and the youngest to win the category, major!

Also of note, he had the best stage exit of the night:

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AND NONE FOR BRAN
During one of the 40 tributes to Game of Thrones over the course of the evening, the "main" cast members came onstage to present the award for supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie:

The thing is, I'd say Theon and Melisande (actors on the ends) were not on the show's first string team, but they got to be onstage INSTEAD OF BRAN (insert whatever his real name is here), AKA THE CHARACTER WHO TOOK THE IRON THRONE IN THE END. I screamed at the distinction, not that we needed confirmation that his character (and the show's ending) were dumb as hell. We did get this quick shot of him in the audience, applauding the cast like everyone else:

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While we're on this topic....

In which no one is surprised

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Game of Thrones won the Emmy for drama series, I think because it was promised to them from the get-go, not because the final season was actually good. The last time I saw this many white people on stage was, well, just a few moments before when John Oliver won the award for variety talk series. The show's writer-directors David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave the acceptance speech because we really all need to hear from them about as much as I need to hear a train whistle in my ear.

Now, I was a huge GoT fan (enough to use the abbreviation), which is why I know the finale was trash. In a poll designed by me given to me by me, all respondents agreed "Killing Eve" should've won.

Some final notes to wrap this up: Yes, we were all laughing AT Kim and Kendall Kardashian not with them; Yes, Sansa Jonas (aka Sophie Turner) should've won the supporting actress in a drama series award; No, I still do not consider The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a comedy; and No, I still do not want to watch Ozark.

Thanks for reading! Til next time, find me sending my friends closeups of my head asking if I can pull off a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2018 Emmy Awards?

This year's Emmy's were like an overhyped party that was talked about for weeks. But then you show up to find this "party" is just a case of Natural Light and a bag of plain ass Lays chips.

Thank goodness for the red carpet! It was the fun pregame and by far, the most entertaining part of the evening (even with E! buzzkilling everything). And since it's been a while, I'll let Chrissy describe my feelings about experiencing a red carpet with Rancic and Jason Kennedy again:

Best dressed:

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Issa Rae looks amazing at every show and I know I always list her as a favorite but that's only because she looks infinitely better than 85% of the other attendees. She opted for a Carolina Blue dress this year to pay homage to her impending best friendship with me. Spread the word. I love the long train situation on this top, but how annoying do you think it was in the bathroom? Like, do you think she had to ball up the entire bottom part of this outfit and hold it above her head while trying to undo her pants to pee? The logistics alone sound terrible.

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While we're on pantsuits, let's talk about Tatiana Maslany. You may remember me quietly mentioning THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE SO MANY EMMYS FOR PLAYING EVERY CHARACTER ON ORPHAN BLACK but maybe not because I'm so demure in talking about the things I like. She showed up in some sleek black pants with a highlighter yellow wrap top that looks like a curtain ripped off the wall of an EDM party. I support this look. Anytime you can wear something that then transforms into decorative home goods is honestly just smart shopping.

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Rory Gilmore showed up in this pink lemonade situation that I don't actually hate. I loved her simple makeup and hair and I guess I find her stunning at most events because I'm used to seeing her look haggard as hell on "The Handmaid's Tale." So this Fun Dip dress was great! Almost made me forget she's married to Pete Campbell and his weird hairline. And look, I don't base my disdain for him just on looks - he creeps me out to my shallow, tin core. He's definitely someone who whispers a lot and we all know that whispering is the trademark of a creep. 

Best brows

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To be fair, Emilia Clarke has the best brows in just about any room she's in (unless Demi Lovato is also in that room, in which case, a brow-off occurs). And while the extent of my makeup knowledge is simply to buy whatever Chrissy Teigen endorses in hopes of making my face look like hers, even I could tell that Emilia's makeup was FLAWLESS. Look at that closeup! That is her actual face! It's unbelievable that she and I are the same species (allegedly).

I wasn't sure how to feel about her dress. The literal breeziness of the top reminded me of that time I forgot to wear a bra to school. Except, I imagine if I had worn a mesh top, braless to 8th grade, there would've been some sort of situation. Anyway, I'm letting the fact that her hair and makeup were a 10, average this entire look out to a 12. I took pre-calc in college, so you can trust me.

Best Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia

Let me first say that Milo Ventimiglia is a delicious bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. I have loved him since Jess Mariano days and was pretty disappointed that we didn't get a Jess and Rory reunion on the red carpet. I think he's one of those smooth guys who can wink at you and it doesn't seem weird. And I'm 140% positive that if he winked at me, I would first giggle like a baby then probably die.

And Mandy Moore! She hasn't let the fact that her performance in "A Walk to Remember" was overlooked by the Oscars get to her. Look how good she looks! She's in that Sandy Bullock/Reese Witherspoon wine cellar, just getting better with age. With that perfect level of spray tan and beach waves. I can practically hear "I'M MISSIN YOU LIKE CANDY AAAAY YAAAA." Don't @ me, that song is still a bop.

Okay okay let's talk about the show at least a little...

OBLIGATORY CHRISSY SECTION

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Meme'd in the first 5 minutes of the show, Chrissy T did not come to play. The audience was allowed to have alcohol at their seats this year, so I can only hope that CT had a few glasses of champagne. And while I could dedicate this entire post to her, I'll just refer you to my doctoral dissertation: "Chrissy Teigen Dictates A Questionable Number of Things in My Life and I Have No Regrets."

Brace yourself: I'm not a Mrs. Maisel fan

No one is more shocked than me. It's an Amy Sherman-Palladino show, so it features her signature fast-paced, quippy dialogue and well thought out characters, but man, it is not funny. It's like the LaCroix of TV shows: You know there's a hint of something funny in it, but it's so faint that you're not sure. For reference, this gif of Amy Sherman-Palladino perfectly encapsulates the comedy of the show:

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She was returning to the stage to accept Outstanding Directing for a Comedy (after winning Writing for a Comedy). Can't Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino just focus all of their efforts into pumping out new Gilmore Girls revivals every year? GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Anyway, contradictory to me, the Emmys LOVED Mrs. Maisel. It swept so many of the comedy awards and we learned that this is what we get when we lose "Veep." I did somewhat support Alex Borstein winning Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy though because I pretended it was a delayed reward for her work as Ms. Swan on Mad TV.

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She did a shimmy and told women to sit down to pee, because if one of us sits, we all get to sit WHICH IS ACTUALLY TRUE. #StopHoverPeeing2018

I remain a salty salt shaker over "The Good Place" not getting more nominations. Call me old fashioned but I assume that "comedy" implies something is funny. Crazy, I know.

The only non-Sandra Oh who I accept winning

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The Outstanding Lead Actress category was like a Britney Spears Greatest Hits album - HOW DO YOU CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITE? While I was hoping Sandra Oh would take it home, becoming the first Asian woman to win a lead acting Emmy, I was okay with Claire Foy winning instead. If you haven't seen season 2 of "The Crown," just chisel out 10 hours this weekend to binge it. She is simply amazing. The acting she does with her eyes alone is award worthy. And I have eyes, which makes me qualified to make that assessment.

And since we're on the topic of Sandra Oh, I need to talk about how much I love her parents and the fact that her mom came in traditional Korean hanbok:

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Y'all, when I say I hollered, I mean I HOLLERED. And even better was that Sandra introduced her parents to all of the red carpet interviewers as "Mr. and Mrs. Oh." YES. Do you actually think fracking Rancic gets the privilege of calling her lovely mother by her first name? Naaahhhh. Also, I love how when Claire Foy won and Sandra Oh was graciously clapping, her mom was clearly like "Umm, who is that? And why is she holding your trophy?"

MOMS ARE THE BEST.

When someone says they saved the last cookie for you

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I didn't include her before, but I'm digging Thandie Newton's one-shoulder, cape dress. She won in the other category I deemed most competitive: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. And while I've only seen half of season 1 of Westworld, she was pretty fantastic in that half of a season. Fantastic enough to win over THREE of the ladies from Handmaid's Tale AND Cersei Lannister AND Princess Margaret. They would make up one badass volleyball team.

Speaking of the Handmaid's ladies, here they are all huddled together as Thandie is announced:

This is precious but also confusing for my mind to see Aunt Lydia and Serena Joy being friendly with Emily. DON'T TRUST THEM EMILY!

A standard proposal location

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So while Glenn Weiss was accepting his Emmy for directing the Oscars (which is such an Inception thing to happen), he took the time to propose to his longtime lady friend, Jan. And it was so freaking cute. He spoke first of his mom who recently passed away before saying that Jan is the light in his life. Then came the kicker: "You wonder why I don't want to call you my girlfriend? Because I want to call you my wife." And this was her reaction:

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She of course said yes! And no one was shocked to learn that this is the first time someone has gotten engaged on an Emmys stage. And I was shocked to find this entire TV engagement genuine and sweet because I've dealt with garbage ones for the past however many months with the Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise.

OH OK, ANGELA BASSETT

Did you all get the memo from Angela Bassett declaring she has decided to stop aging? I audibly gasped at how gorgeous she looks. And I love Tiffany Haddish just relishing in the moment.

Lil' Baby Aidy, here to steal yo' man

Just want to point out Aidy Bryant's bit during the opening number. It is my biggest hope that she pitched this as "Okay and when you pan to me, I'll just be caressing Milo Ventimiglia" with no other supporting details or setup. Gotta shoot your shot, ya know.

And I thought Aidy was maybe sitting next to him just for the bit, but as it turns out, that was her seat! Between Milo and JT!

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If I were her, I would've held both of my arms out, palms up, on the armrests to see if Milo or JT would try to hold my hand first. That is how relationships start.

Tami Taylor!

Connie Britton is what you get when you cross a Lilly Pulitzer dress with a glass of sweet tea and I am here for her southern fried goodness. I don't even remember what award she and Eric Bana were presenting, but she stood like this for most of the time and her hair remains a level of perfection I will never comprehend. Shout out to me for capturing Eric Bana in this moment, looking like he's upset people don't remember his stellar performance in one of the Hulk movies.

When your mom forces you to go to prom with the King of the North

Aside from the fact that this looks like an awkward high school dance photo, Constance Wu looks gorg! I like how her dress kind of looks like it's made of that bubbly glitter paint. And Kit Harington, while sweet looking, always looks like he's waiting in line at the bank. And the teller just stepped away for lunch. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what he looked like when Game of Thrones won Outstanding Drama.

Who should've hosted the show

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Colin Jost and Michael Che were....alright. If you want to watch 3 hours of Weekend Update. The funniest part of their hosting was the bits with Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen, who were pretending to be Emmys "experts." I don't mean to get critical here (haha yes I do), but Colin and Michael are clearly comedy WRITERS. Maya and Fred are comedic PERFORMERS. It's kind of like how you go see Adele to hear her sing. And you go see Britney to see her dance (YES EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE SMALL MOVEMENTS MOSTLY WITH HER HANDS, SHE'S STILL DANCING). Two very respectable, yet different things.

My point here is that NBC had SO many choices for hosts (as was evident in the entire SNL cast being in the opening dance) and they chose two kind of boring dudes.

And that's it! Or well, that's all that my brain full of packing peanuts decided to commit to long-term memory. Interested to see if Emmy voters will still like Mrs. Maisel next year. Or if they'll finally cave and just agree that Julia Louis-Dreyfus should get the Emmy every year, regardless of if she's in anything.

See you all soon! Til then, find me staring at your dog from across the street and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2017 Emmys?

The Emmys are like the pot of gold at the end of rainbow after dedicating countless hours to watching everything from Veep to The Handmaid's Tale. Except, my "gold" isn't even an award, but mostly consists of yelling either "YES I KNEW IT" or "WHAT, WHY" to winners. And my "rainbow" is mostly just a collection of times I saw my Shrek reflection in the TV after Netflix interrupted my 20-hour binge to ask if I was still a breathing, human woman.

Per usual, I destroyed my soul ahead of the show by indulging in the pre-pre-pre-pre-Red Carpet featuring Laguna Beach megastar Kristin Cavallari. She is actually the one person I don't feel remorse over shit-talking because, based on two seasons of Laguna Beach which I take as gospel, she was an absolute bitch. A literal mean girl. So anyway she looked like a bobble head and I am constantly perplexed at how her flamingo neck holds up that bigass noggin.

Kristin was just the first taco in this 99-cent value pack of E!'s finest. The king bean burrito came through as Giuliana Rancic. To be honest, it feels like it's been so long since she has created a film of self-tanner over my eyes. And I'm just watching on TV! Imagine what the frontlines are like. Actually, here's the ever courageous Elisabeth Moss trying to avoid the fumes, looking like a glass of milk next to a glass of Cheetos dust:

Because you're wondering, yes, E!'s cameras did catch me on the red carpet. I was trying to get Milo Ventimiglia's attention to let him know he left his watch and also his heart at my apartment:

Best dressed

In general, I find Jessica Biel about as interesting as crumpled up aluminum foil, but on Emmy night she delivered. I absolutely loved this ethereal dress like she just came out of an Enya song complemented by an old Hollywood'esque hairstyle. And while yes, she is more bland than overcooked pasta, she has a pretty smokin' bod, so everything looks phenomenal on her. I was also glad to see she continued the mono-leg dress slit trend. 

As someone with a Ph.D. in red carpet studies, I am well aware of how hard it is to pull off a red dress. Issa Rae is now the textbook definition for doing it right. Her make-up is absolutely flawless and despite how creepy this sounds, I wish I could steal her smile. Not in a serial killer way, but I want to copy/paste her smile onto my face (that's much less creepy). I love how this Vera Wang gown has asymmetrical sleeves that let her shoulders breathe, because I can't fully express how often my shoulders have had the urge to burst out of their sleeves. 

One of my favorite things to do in life is wear no pants. Reese Witherspoon agrees and wore this tailored suit jacket that appears to have lots of pockets for snacks. I heard that when Laura Dern hugged her, she crushed her bag of Funyuns and Reese was pissed. And smelled like fried onions. Fucking Dern, always on one. Anyway, I love the bottomless nature to this outfit. I hope Reese optimized use of it by fully Winnie the Pooh'ing at the after party, eating honey straight out of a pot.

Before I saw Laverne Cox, I was actively complaining about both metallic dresses and the slicked-back hair look. But then she showed up and anyway it's the second time I've ever been wrong in my whole life (the first time was when I assured everyone that CDs were here to stay). Laverne makes slicked-back hair look classic, as opposed to everyone else doing it who looks like they just ran a marathon in the rain. And I love the paneling situation on this gown.

Best dressed couple

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This is no shocker as I have Backstreet Boys teen girl screamed about Tom Cullen and Tatiana Maslany so many times. They looked gorgeous together and honestly if another biblical flood happens and Noah has to build an ark, he should def kick off the pair of rhinos because we won't need them but we will need Tatiana and Tom to repopulate the Earth. I have now literally stared at this photo for a long enough period of time to creep myself out, so we'll move on.

I'm pretty sure Shailene Woodley doesn't shower

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I think that's what she means when she says her favorite beauty product is "happiness." During an earlier interview, she was asked what she watched on TV this year to which she said "Nothing. I don't own a TV." Okay and wait, things get even more Shailene'y. She said she doesn't have time for television and just reads books. HAVE Y'ALL EVER READ A BOOK. THAT SHIT TAKES A LONG ASS TIME. Watching an episode of The Handmaid's Tale literally takes 45 minutes. Reading Moby Dick takes 45 years. I timed it.

Big Little Lies did not come to play with you hoes

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Little known fact about me: I love Laura Dern. Literally everything she's been in and by "everything" I mean as the mom in The Fault in Our Stars and of course as Renata in Big Little Lies. I just have a feeling she takes shit from no one in real life and could easily be provoked to kick a guy in the balls. Anyway, I felt the Dern Burn as she took home Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series.

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Nicole Kidman won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series and honestly no one came even close to topping her performance. If you haven't watched Big Little Lies, what are you even doing with your life. To be honest, I'm not even the biggest Nikki K fan, but her performance is phenomenal. And anyway this bitch does what she wants, including kissing Alexander Skarsgard on the mouth in front of her husband as he goes up to accept Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series.

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The show then obviously won Outstanding Limited Series and all I kept thinking of was how memorable that one scene in the finale was with all of the women communicating with each other with just a look. It remains one of my favorite scenes from a TV show and not just because of what happens to Skarsgard following this.

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My boyfriend made history

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Donald Glover, or as I so lovingly refer to him, D.Glo, took home two Emmys for "Atlanta." His first, Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series, made him the first black director to win the category, EVER. And his second, Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, has not been won by a person of color in 32 years. THIRTY-TWO YEARS. Plus, did you know he invented looking good in a purple suit? That D.Glo, ever the visionary.

My fiancée also made history

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Riz Ahmed won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series for "The Night Of," making him the first male South Asian actor to win an Emmy (in an acting category). I was unable to attend the ceremony due to a prior bucket of friend chicken engagement, so Riz had to settle for sitting next to up-and-coming actress Oprah Winfrey. I'm gonna be straight up with you here and let you know I've only see two episodes of "The Night Of," but I mean, I've looked at plenty of photos of Riz on Google Images so I think it's about the same. 

WHO RUN THE WORLD (answer: girls)

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Aziz Ansari and Lena Waithe won Best Writing for a Comedy Series for the Thanksgiving episode of "Master of None," making Lena the first black woman to win the category. And she wore a dope ass suit and Aziz stood there super supportive and cute and my point here is that Beyonce always knew who ran this ship.

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Reed Morano won Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series for the pilot episode of "The Handmaid's Tale," making her the first woman to win the category in TWENTY-TWO YEARS. At this point in the show, I had burned all of my tiny bras.

Selina Meyer 2020

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Julia Louis-Dreyfus won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy for the SIXTH CONSECUTIVE YEAR. Meaning she has won this award for EVERY season of Veep. As someone who is constantly sought after by myself for her opinion, I can without a doubt say JLD is the funniest actress on TV. Veep also won Outstanding Comedy Series and if we're being totally fair which I am about 43% of the time, no other shows should've been nominated. 

Can you request what song interrupts your speech?

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It's great and all to stay on-time, but blaring some random violin/trumpet music while Sterling K. Brown is talking is pretty rude. It made me wonder though, if the Emmys are gonna be rude as hell to you and ruin your moment, can they at least let you choose what song plays as you're being kicked offstage? Because while being interrupted would piss me off, hearing "Work From Home" would cheer me up and The Television Academy wouldn't have to worry about me rage throwing the mic stand into the audience while Hulk tearing my dress apart (this is precisely why I am not invited to any work functions). Just a suggestion.

"YOU GET AN EMMY AND YOU GET AN EMMY AND YOU GET AN EMMY"
 —Oprah to the cast of The Handmaid's Tale

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So Elisabeth Moss obviously won Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series because if you've even seen a promo for the show, you understand. This little glass of milk can act. I've seen her in the series "Top of the Lake," which she's also amazing in (even though her "Australian" accent is a little kookaburra). I never really watched Mad Men, but I've seen this gif and based on it I can confirm she was amazing in it.

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The series won Outstanding Drama which, similar to what I said about Big Little Lies, if you haven't watched this show,  I question your judgment as an alleged human being. The story is riveting, the cinematography is gorgeous, every cast member is amazing AND the ladies wear these super cute New York Fashion Week capes and bonnets.

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As a note, Alexis Bledel won Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series (it was presented during the Creative Emmys two weeks ago). Our little Rory Gilmore! It almost makes me forgive her for marrying Vincent Kartheiser's receding hairline.

Lastly, Colbert delivered

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His opening was hilarious and included 1000 of our fav celebs, including Chance the Rapper. Someone else made a surprise appearance but I refuse to associate that person's name with one of my favorite awards shows. Rather, I offer my favorite reaction to his appearance featuring Anna Chlumsky (and Rachel Bloom with the GTFO out face in the background):

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His monologue also mentioned how Trump criticized Seth Meyers' hosting skills back in 2014, saying it sounded like he had a "mouth full of marbles." Which gave us one of the best gifs of the night and not just because you can see my ex-boyfriend Colin Jost:

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And that's it! 2017 Emmys in the bag. We'll see how the competition is next year when Game of Thrones is back in the running (and Tatiana Maslany for Orphan Black). I leave you with this photo of some banana bread because it's what Chrissy Teigen was doing instead of attending the show. Til next time, see y'all on Twitter!