What did we learn from the 2019 Emmys?

First and foremost, the Emmys were already in the negative FOR COMPLETELY SHUTTING OUT BEYONCE'S HOMECOMING FILM. She was nominated in 6 categories at the Creative Arts Emmys and her biggest loss was Outstanding Variety Special to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Y'all. Carpool Karaoke beat this:

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Beyonce had twins, ate only lettuce for months, went to 40 spin classes a day between hours of dance practice, and created an artistic masterpiece for Coachella. Meanwhile, James Corden taped a camera to his windshield. SCREAMING.

Luckily, the 14-hour E! Red Carpet caught wind of my anguish and opted out of their normal stupidity this year. Just kidding Rancic brought out her skunk tail and sprayed everyone with the stench of stupid questions. Letting Emilia Clarke and Lin Manuel Miranda's facial expressions speak for all of us:

I realized E!'s red carpet interviews have gotten really long. Over the course of the 400 hour pre-show, they only talked to maybe 10 celebs, tops, compared to the 5,000 Seacrest used to torture in his heyday. This ratio tells me that most A-listers are opting to skip these interviews because, well, it's better for their skin and probably overall wellness.

Speaking of looking your best...

Best dressed

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CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE ZENDAYA INVENTED THE COLOR GREEN. She showed up 2 minutes before the show started and breezed past the media line like the most glamorous gust of wind ever. Hair, makeup, dress, THIS ENTIRE LOOK. I'm screaming. How many studios do you think immediately approached her about a Poison Ivy reboot.

Last thing I'll scream about Zendaya is you should love yourself, but also, if someone offered me the chance to change my entire face and body to be Zendaya, there would be a Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the wall of me barreling through to sign the papers.

Honorary mentions

Emilia Clarke is always in my top 5 during awards season so she obvi didn't disappoint. How mad do you think Joey Potter is that Emilia stole her trademark for the middle part? Also, do you think I can wear this dress to work? I love that she fashioned a dress top out of two pieces of tissue paper — rumor has it, she used it later to stuff a gift for her best friend. We stan a Khaleesi who uses multi-purpose materials! My favorite part of this entire look is the dress' pockets. I am absolutely positive Emilia is someone (like me) who screams "BUT LOOK, IT HAS POCKETS!!" to anyone who will listen, while swishing around.

Including Mandy Moore's Emmys look and after-party look because I haven't seen a more flawless transition since the dissolve slide transition in the 2002 version of Power Point. Love that she drew inspiration from the two best Starburst flavors, which yes speaking of candy, I was upset that she once again did not win an award meaning she DID NOT get to perform "Candy," which is what she would be legally obligated to do.

To the show!

MI'BUSY IS BACK
I love when Michelle Williams is nominated (which is almost every year) because she ALWAYS brings BFF Busy. Here is a story in three parts of their journey at the Emmys from Busy's IG story:

Apparently when you arrive, EVERYONE has to wait in line to walk the carpet. And it was in the 90s on Sunday evening in LA, so can you even imagine how much melted bronzer and foundation was all over that carpet. After getting through the line, they were late getting into the show, so they had to wait by the doors during the (kind of dumb) intro. And after Michelle won, Busy carried her award AS ANY GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES while Michelle answered her 5 billion texts. As my friends know, any awards they get, I get too. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP.

Offering some clarification because I needed it: Michelle won the lead actress in a limited series or TV movie category for her work in "Fosse/Verdon," NOT as late recognition for her work on "Dawson's Creek." I know, I was surprised too.

Anyway, this was Busy's reaction during Michelle's acceptance speech:

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Michelle used her stage time to talk about pay inequality in Hollywood, particularly for women of color.

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She ended her speech by mentioning her daughter (with Heath Ledger): "For Matilda, this is for you like everything else" and when I say the tears gushed out, I mean it was a family-sized pack of Gushers in here.

I remain the #1 fan of this friendship and will continue to send them poorly recorded videos of me singing that Paula Cole song I only associate with "Dawson's Creek" until they let me into the friend group.

While on the topic of Dawson
Can someone let me know if I think James Van Der Beek is attractive?

Like I know this suit jacket looks like salmon sashimi that's been out too long, but also, I think I would let him Dawson my Creek? (AYYYYYY, you're welcome).

Billy Porter invented hats

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Billy is the first openly black gay man to win the lead actor in a drama category for his work on "Pose," and he delivered on the fashion and the speech (check it out here). And now he's only one award (the O) away from an EGOT! I also want to note that when he won, he ran up the stairs in 6-inch platforms, which actually should've earned him the Oscar on the spot completing his EGOT.

Well this was unexpected
Phoebe Waller-Bridge and "Fleabag" came through with the upset over "Veep," winning the awards for lead actress in a comedy, comedy series, and writing for a comedy series. I would like to say no one was more shocked than me, but Phoebe proved me wrong:

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And get ready for what may be unpopular opinion: I liked "Fleabag" (the second season more) and found some parts funny, but I def wasn't as obsessed with it as Twitter told me to be. And I do love PWB, but honestly I love what she does for "Killing Eve" more than anything.

Speaking of, Phoebe getting nominated in comedy and drama categories is pretty freaking great. I have personally only been nominated in both a total of zero times, so I can attest to the difficulty.

Speaking of Killing Eve....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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The lead actress in a drama category was more stacked than my plates at a Vegas buffet and included Emilia Clarke, Sandra Oh and okay those are the only two besides Jodie I would've accepted winning. But I wanted Jodie to win THE MOST. If you've ever seen "Killing Eve" you understand. She has such good comedic timing and makes being a serial assassin look like such a delight (also her character's fashion is ABOVE AND BEYOND anyone else).

She accepted her award wearing all white, featuring no barbecue sauce stains which wow, how. And mentioned she didn't bring her parents to the ceremony because she didn't think she'd win. Leaving you with this moment of Jodie walking offstage with Gwyneth Paltrow, who presented the award:

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I learned that in this moment, Gwyneth could be heard asking Jodie "Do you know any of the nominees?" Um. One of the nominees was Sandra Oh. Who is in the same show as Jodie. Gwyneth literally announced the nominees and had to say both of their names followed by "Killing Eve."

Wait, on the topic of Gwyneth....

When you remember how to do regular human things like walk

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Y'all, this gif is sped up because I'm not exaggerating when I say it took her 8 minutes to walk the 15 feet from backstage to the mic. It's like she was just fitted for these legs and is testing them out for the first time. That or beneath that dress is a bunch of tiny squirrels on each others shoulders pretending to be legs. Honestly, we'll never know.

As a note, I always feel a teensy bit bad making fun of people EXCEPT for Gwyneth who I know is an evil cyborg who has no feelings. For me, it's like making fun of a vacuum (because she really sucks the fun out of everything OOOOOH).

The only one who deserved to win over my husband, Mahershala Ali

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Jharrel Jerome won the award for lead actor in a limited series or TV movie for "When They See Us," and this was Jharrel's first Emmy nomination and first win (1 for 1!). He thanked his mom, who he brought as his date, and the "Exonerated Five" and was absolutely one of the most deserving winners of the night. He's also the first Afro-Latino to win an acting Emmy and the youngest to win the category, major!

Also of note, he had the best stage exit of the night:

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AND NONE FOR BRAN
During one of the 40 tributes to Game of Thrones over the course of the evening, the "main" cast members came onstage to present the award for supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie:

The thing is, I'd say Theon and Melisande (actors on the ends) were not on the show's first string team, but they got to be onstage INSTEAD OF BRAN (insert whatever his real name is here), AKA THE CHARACTER WHO TOOK THE IRON THRONE IN THE END. I screamed at the distinction, not that we needed confirmation that his character (and the show's ending) were dumb as hell. We did get this quick shot of him in the audience, applauding the cast like everyone else:

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While we're on this topic....

In which no one is surprised

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Game of Thrones won the Emmy for drama series, I think because it was promised to them from the get-go, not because the final season was actually good. The last time I saw this many white people on stage was, well, just a few moments before when John Oliver won the award for variety talk series. The show's writer-directors David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave the acceptance speech because we really all need to hear from them about as much as I need to hear a train whistle in my ear.

Now, I was a huge GoT fan (enough to use the abbreviation), which is why I know the finale was trash. In a poll designed by me given to me by me, all respondents agreed "Killing Eve" should've won.

Some final notes to wrap this up: Yes, we were all laughing AT Kim and Kendall Kardashian not with them; Yes, Sansa Jonas (aka Sophie Turner) should've won the supporting actress in a drama series award; No, I still do not consider The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a comedy; and No, I still do not want to watch Ozark.

Thanks for reading! Til next time, find me sending my friends closeups of my head asking if I can pull off a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2016 Emmy Awards?

If you think I'm going to be completely predictable by opening this post by bashing poor Giuliana Rancic, then yes, put your tarot cards away because I absolutely am. Creature of habit you know.

So Jerry Seinfeld is actually the one claiming he doesn't understand his presence at the show, but my highly evolved brain immediately heard and saw the words falling out of Rancic's mouth. Because it is the question I yell at security when they stop me 100 yards from the Red Carpet: "BUT WHY IS RANCIC HERE. WHY IS SHE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, DO YOU." 

Anyway, she wore a dress made of those lacy/sheer curtains your grandma has in her "sitting room" that no one goes in and that are full of dust and bones and cats and cat bones. 

I could go on forever, but in the words of critically acclaimed actress Jennifer Lopez, ENOUGH. 

To the show!

Fashion is confusing.

I don't claim to be a "fashionista," but I did have a pink, glittery sticker on my Trapper Keeper in 6th grade that said that, so, I don't know you do the math. Also, please admire my cropping/editng skills with this photoset. What can I say, some of us have it all. Anyway, these were the dresses that made me say, "Wait, what, why." 

Mandy Moore's dress looks like it'd be fun to wear. Like you'd want to swing your hips around saying "swish swish swish." But what was this swishy dress made of? Cheez Whiz? Dorito dust? Rumor has it someone threw milk and elbow macaroni on her at the after party and she turned into Kraft Mac & Cheese. 

Okay Robin Wright. The off-center front slip. The general glittery-Wet Seal nature. Those strappy stilettos from the shoe section of Forever21. This is like what those "bad" girls at your high school who smoked in the locker room wore to Homecoming freshman year while you wore a pastel church dress. And she kept standing like that, kind of legs apart as if she had just sat in a puddle and was trying to air dry her butt. That Robin Wright aint about swamp ass life. 

Kristen Bell couldn't decide if she wanted to be sexy or a bird lady so she did both! Drapey, curtain-like boob covers on top with an actual comforter on the bottom. Sources tell me Aziz Ansari was found at the after party napping in it.

Sarah Hyland's dress doubled as a table runner, creating the perfect setting at the aforementioned after party. To be honest, this top was so close to being a masterpiece. All she needed was pockets in both sides to slip her arms into, therefore allowing her to flap around as a pterodactyl. Who doesn't love a good pterodactyl dress?

Constantly yelling on Twitter about something, works.

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In this day and age, it's important to utilize the power of social media for good. Which is why I have focused on demanding Tatiana Maslany win every award since Orphan Black premiered in 2013. I'm not one for repetitive dramatics and unnecessary caps lock but T.MAS PLAYS EVERY MAIN CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. EVERY MAIN CHARACTER. SHE MEMORIZES 50 MILLION LINES A WEEK. I cannot express how emotionally affected I would have been had Oompa Loompa Claire Danes swooped in and stole the award with her so-called talons. It's important to understand that yes, all of the other actresses are great in their ONE role on their show. Our T.Ma$ is great in all 50 roles she plays. ALL OF THEM. TRY TO DEBATE ME ON THIS, I WILL DESTROY THE KEYS ON THIS KEYBOARD IN A SECOND.

Also she brought along this century's best accessory, Tom Cullen (stop playing like you don't remember Lady Mary kissing and dismissing him on Downton. That Mary was savage). She and this hot piece of beard are the undisputed, most beautiful couple in the world. I took a poll, trust me.

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I'm now wondering if my own wedding or someone else birthing my baby for me (my body's not trying to do that) will bring me as much joy as T.Mas finally winning. Some call that "sad" and also "creepily obsessed," but I call it a "completely normal connection to someone I've never met despite repeated attempts and continual Googling of home address."

Operation Have Kids with Bigger, Non-Asian Eyes is underway

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My little pocket prince did it! I don't know if the Emmys are trying to make up for past mistakes, but I accept. I also accept partial credit for his win because I started watching Mr. Robot a few hours before the Emmys. I just got so tired of Rami asking me to watch and also him constantly sending shirtless pics declaring his love for me. Per science, his big blue eyes plus my tiny brown specks will give our kids perfectly sized eyes that can't be blocked with a simple #2 pencil. If you could spread the word about our relationship, that'd be great: #Krami and/or #McMalek.

Constance Wu was styled by J.Lo, circa 2000

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That slicked back high ponytail. Those ho' hoops. That plunging neckline and drapey dress. Throw in a P.Diddy and I'd swear we'd traveled back in time. I hope Constance got to at least sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing" at the after party.

I will accept a face transplant from:

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Do you think Emilia Clarke gets tired of having the best face, hair, make-up and dress at every single show? It must be exhausting. She's a saint for doing it. While she didn't win Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (despite the months I spent picketing outside of the Academy), she still holds the title for World's Best Haver of Eyebrows. A title that, to be honest, requires much more talent and skill than riding dragons and emerging naked from fire.

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Brows. Big wavy hair. Smug look. The winning trio. For those of you who don't spend hours on her Wikipedia page, Tori Kelly is a quarter Jamaican and a quarter Puerto Rican. And she writes her own music and plays the guitar and sings. She also nurses injured baby birds back to health, rescues orphaned seals, can whittle a kazoo from a log, can speak to animals, can Matilda move things with her mind and knows all the words to every Missy Elliot song. 

Women are funnier than men. Deal with it.

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Amy finally got her Emmy and her and Tina became the first joint winners of any Emmy category. Show me someone who doesn't think they are funny and I'll show you an Ursula masquerading as a human.

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Kate McKinnon became the first SNL cast member to win a major acting category and the fourth EVER to win an Emmy for the show. Only Chevy Chase, Dana Carvey and Gilda Radner have won in the past. Both Ellen and Hillary love her impressions of them AND she's a Ghostbuster, so, honestly what can be left on her vision board.

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This is the answer I was looking for in response to Failiana. While Amy didn't take home any awards, she convinced Maggie Smith to come to the after party and they drank 23 1/2 bottles of vodka then called Rihanna who met them at whatever club it is that Lauren Conrad always went to on The Hills where they drank 5 additional bottles of gin before buying an In-n-Out (the entire place) on the way home three days later. If that's not worth more than an Emmy, I don't know what is.

Game of Veep

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Best Drama Series, again. And now the show with the most Emmys ever with 38, beating Frasier's previous record of 37. Turns out dragons and swords and threats of winter are much better than tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, find out what your best friend's boyfriend's mom's neighbor's HBO Go log-in is so you can watch the episodes, "Hold the Door" and "Battle of the Bastards." Reason enough for the show to win.

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Don't tell Friends I said this, but Veep might be the funniest show ever. The writing. The cast. The Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 500 more seasons will not be enough. I wonder if Modern Family misses being prom queen because Veep snatched that wig ages ago and is never letting go.

Other notes:

• Every male actor is apparently dating "the hottest chick in the game"
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus' speech made me feel real human emotions, something I normally reserve for my annual viewing of Marley & Me
• Who invited Neve Campbell?

I leave you with Priyanka Chopra doing what she did down the entire Red Carpet, introducing me to what I guess I should do when entering any room for any reason. Thanks Pri-Pri.

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Breaking down the 2016 SAG Awards

Aside from the Globes, the SAG Awards are my fav. Partially because winners are decided by their peers and mostly because the actors get real liquored up. This year, they ordered 150 bottles of tequila and 500 bottles of champagne. 500 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE. That's at least 3 more bottles than a normal Friday night for me, which is quite impressive. And I bet Helen Mirren only drank like, 400 of them. HMirr can rage.

Anyway, lessons learned:

Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay are more precious than two otters holding hands.

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First off, "Room" is an amazing movie. You shouldn't watch it before a date, like I did, because it doesn't exactly put you in the most romantic mood, but it's amazing nonetheless. The fact that Jacob Tremblay memorized that entire script and I can't remember if I had one or two lunches today is astounding. I uphold that he should've snagged Best Supporting Actor (my on-again/off-again husband Idris Elba won), but his presence this awards show season has been big enough. Fingers crossed that his career develops like Leo DiCaprio and he doesn't pull a Macauley Culkin. Meth face looks good on no one.


Rami Malek's jawline cuts through glass. And also, my heart.

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Some tasteless and uncultured people think Rami is "creepy" and "looks like he would kidnap me and trap me in a basement," when really the person they're describing is the man in the upper right corner of this pic who is apparently a rogue Charlie's Angles villain who is clearly here to avenge the unfortunate death of his beloved bird Myrtle. Anyway.  That jawline. Those blue eyes. How he kind of never blinks. I don't mind that. It means he never takes his eyes off me, which is 100% romantic and 0% creepy. I feel like he'd want to read me excerpts from a J.D. Salinger book while we drink tea made from tea leaves he picked from a mountain in Nepal. And he would not be interested in "Vanderpump Rules" which is fine because me neither. I've never watched that show for 12 hours straight. #RefinedWoman


Leo and Kate need to get married already and make all of our dreams come true.

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You guys, look how he lovingly scurries over to her after winning Best Actor. It's how you look when your Bojangles order is ready and you finally lovingly embrace that fried chicken. Some of us may have even kissed the chicken before like Kate kisses Leo's neck, but let's not delve into my personal life. Look, these two survived Titanic together (one naturally, one via cryogenic freezing). I'm about 99% sure if Leo wins the Oscar, he'll propose to Kate on the spot. And then it'll rain Oreos, world hunger will be solved, global warming will end, my pants will stop mysteriously becoming huge during the course of the day, and several other world issues will be solved.


Amy & Tina continue their tour of "We Should Host Your Lives"

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I enjoy this photo mostly because these are the two facial expressions that make up 98% of my life. Tina & Amy presented Carol Burnett with a lifetime achievement award and their 5 minute bit was better than the entire Oscars show when James Franco and Anne Failaway hosted. When I get married, I just plan to show clips of their movies ("their" being Tina & Amy, not James and Anne, I'm not into cruel and unusual punishment after all). I would like the same film shown at my funeral, but without sound and in black and white. You know, dramatic effect.

Okay also, their table included Kristen Wiig and I'm absolutely positive this image was taken straight out of my diary. I am willing to go to extreme lengths to be a part of this posse. I'm talking listen-to-the-entire-Nickelback-album extreme.

I'm not an Indian woman (SHOCKER), but if I was, it'd be great to look like Priyanka Chopra.

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I'm not a British, white woman (OMG YOU'RE NOT?), but if I was, it'd be great to look like Emilia Clarke.

Let me be clear about the two declarations above: We as women should absolutely be happy with our bodies and our appearances. I'm just saying that if some "scientist" or "doctor" in a back alley offered me the chance to have Emilia Clarke's face, I'd do it. I mean, not her exact face, I don't want to have some sort of "Face-Off' movie situation. And also, calm down, I'm not that creepy (yet). I imagine both her and Priyanka are the type of women who wake up the morning after a rough night out and their hair is perfectly styled and birds are chirping in their window while squirrels pour them tea and iron their fresh-off-the-runway "everyday" couture. They never wake up holding a pita with salsa on their face. Me neither.

Susan Sarandon brought a couple things to the show.

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I'M TALKING ABOUT HER KIDS, YOU SICKOS. Just kidding, I'm obviously referring to her boobs. I'm a 20-something year old and my boobs don't even look like this. Partially because I don't have boobs and mostly because I don't have boobs. I also want to note that when Susan Sarandon wears a suit with nothing underneath but a black bra it's "sexy" and "fashionable," but when I do it to work, it's "inappropriate." I DON'T GET IT.

Pretty good SAG Awards this year. I'm still recovering from Helen Mirren making me take tequila to the face, so I'll leave you with this as my final thought:

What did we learn from the 2016 Golden Globes?

We're back in the most wonderful time of the year: awards show season! I've decided to emerge from my social media rock, put pants on and provide some delightfully insightful insights, because celebrity news is extremely important and also because two of my best friends are in med school/residency and I need them to stay up-to-date on what opinions they should have regarding pop culture.

I obviously watched the Seacrest/Rancic pre-shitshow on E!, which made me feel like Cersei at the end of last season's Game of Thrones. Pretty shitty and shameful. So let's move onto the good stuff:


Squinting has really become a thing. Or everyone is sleepy.

I'm unsure of what Hollywood calls staring at the camera while making your eyes smaller. If we're being PC, I guess we could call it "Asianing." Emilia Clarke dominates the Asianing game. The whole "look at how small my eyes are, I must be Esquire Magazine's 2015 Sexiest Woman of the Year." It's quite the talent. I'm terrible at it and I am actually Asian. Any time I try Asianing, my eyes are closed. All the way. And everyone knows you can't go full Asian.


Channing Tatum started working at Hot Topic.

Look, he didn't even want to attend because the Golden Globes are so mainstream and he'd rather be listening to underground indie artists like Fall Out Boy and Simple Plan. He just wants you to leave him alone so he can focus on his music, okay.

I get this 'do is for the new Gambit movie, but come on, it's 2016. If only there were these pieces of hair you could attach to your head to change the length of your hair. That we could possibly call hair extensions. One day people. We'll think of these revolutionary inventions.




I think I may like beards now.

In general, I find beards scratchy and kind of gross. But I suppose that's just when I'm growing mine out. I imagine most of them are full of dried cheese and like oatmeal or something. But Chris Evans has really shown me the light. And by "light," I"m referring to his outrageously good-looking face. I legitimately started weeping when he came on stage because he is more beautiful than a newly opened jar of Nutella.


Leo is all of us.

Okay, first off, I'm 99% sure this whole Gaga winning a Golden Globe is some sort of elaborate hoax that plays into her next album. But let's focus on Leo's reaction. That is exactly how I look when I'm trying not to touch anything/anyone on the subway. Or when someone sneezes on something near me.  Or when there's raw meat nearby. Or when humans in general are in my vicinity.

SCHULAW 2016.

No amount of caps lock can capture the level of obsession I feel over this. Reminds me of the first time I had a fried chicken biscuit from Sunrise Biscuit Kitchen in Chapel Hill. At the time I wondered, "Will I ever experience a love like this again?" Yes, yes I would. I'm thinking about getting SchuLaw tattooed on my lower back. Above the tattoo I have of a dolphin jumping over rose thorns.

Also, I'm 95% sure they have parties with Anna Kendrick and Emma Stone while Adele sings karaoke and this is something I want to partake in. It actually baffles me that, after all of the vials of blood and locks of hair I've sent along with notes written out with words clipped from a magazine, they haven't invited me. Maybe I've got the wrong address. #ASchuLawMac


Our time machine's travels to 2002 worked!

No really, is this from last night's Golden Globes or is it from the 2002 Teen Choice Awards? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Also, someone started a rumor that I've seen every season of One Tree Hill and that Blue Crush was my favorite movie for 2 years. I mean, did I try to buy the Billabong shirt Kate Bosworth wore in the movie but it was always sold out at PacSun? And did I have the soundtracks to One Tree Hill? WE'LL NEVER KNOW.



Yes. I definitely like beards.

Let it be known that I liked John Krasinski before he was beefy. After the phenomenon of him and Chris Pratt, it makes me ask: When men start working out, does a beard just magically appear? Is this a side effect? I wish this happened when I worked out. Not the beard part, I don't need to work out for that to happen. More like, what if when I lifted weights, I suddenly had Chrissy Teigen's hair and Emilia Clarke's face. Is this possible?






Final thoughts: The Martian was a comedy? Where were Amy Poehler and Tina Fey? Why was Katy Perry there? Should I get bangs? Why won't Chrissy Teigen return my calls?

Cheers to the season!