What did we learn from the 2020 Golden Globes?

Welcome to awards show season! We're kicking things off with the Golden Globes, which spoiler alert, for the 77th consecutive year I was not invited to nor did I win any of the categories I was not nominated in. Truly appalling.

Despite that, it's a new year and I'm feeling kinder and jk we must still begin every post by criticizing Rancic and Seacrest. I REFUSE TO CHANGE.

I need to know how many Barbies made the ultimate sacrifice to create this wig. I also need to know how many bags of Cheetos it took to fill the tub she must have soaked in to become this color. Doesn't she have any friends who are like, "Hey G, let's put the orange markers down and let's take that wig back to the set of Toddlers & Tiaras and just get you something natural"? Baffling.

Not to be outdone at this Mensa meeting, Seacrest reminded us he's still a genius interviewer by asking Gwenny Paltrow what she has in her pantry (RIVETING). I can't remember exactly what she said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like organic moon dust, whittle shavings, grass fed cashew shells from Mars and rare bananas grown in 1898 kept fresh in a cryogenic chamber. Honestly, those are pretty reasonable considering she hasn't been a permanent resident of planet Earth since 1998.

Onto fashion because as someone who wore popped collars for a period in high school, I obviously have highly technical notes about the evening:

Best Christmas Tree

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Only Jodie Comer can wear a dress that has the silhouette of a Lindt truffle wrapper and make it look great. She is literally......a snack (yes I hate me too). This dress, which seems to just be one giant silk sheet, looks comfortable as hell. So you know who was comfortably able to drink 15 mini bottles of Moet & Chandon without showing a sign of bloat? This girl. AND POCKETS!! Pockets alone make a dress worthy of all best dressed lists.

Best Laura Dern Looking Laura Dern

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For all you historians out there (they're big fans of the blog), bohemian dresses were invented by Laura Dern in the year of our Dern 2010. This would look tacky and frumpy on almost anyone else because no one has the white lady swag of Laura Dern. It is why she is my #2 favorite white lady (#1 is my mom, FYI).

Best Awards Show Debut Look

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Ana de Armas' knives are OUT (yes I know that's the cliched response to her, WHATEVS). Yes, pockets! Yes, sequins! Yes middle part! What ultimately complements this look IS THAT BROW RAISE. GIRL. Someone clearly watched a pre-Globes marathon of "America's Next Top Model" because her smizing is off the charts. This was her first awards show (and first nomination) so can't wait to see what those brows bring to the SAG Awards and Oscars.

Also I'm sure I'll revisit this, but she sort of looks like a cross between Jenna Dewan and Megan Fox?

Best Saoirse Like Inertia

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I can't not say her name without remembering how she gets people to remember the pronunciation. Y'all might be thinking this dress is boring and honestly if Julianne Moore or Reese Witherspoon (or Without-her-spoon) wore it, it would be. But Saorise ain't usually out here wearing disco ball looking gowns served with a side boob and front slit, so this is a surprising and welcomed change for her.

She was nominated for "Little Women" and I cannot scream enough both online and in Target that I would watch movies directed by Greta Gerwig starring Saoirse and Timothee Chalamet FOREVER.

Best Visual Representation of What Your Stomach Feels Like After Eating Taco Bell's Entire Value Menu

Joey King was nominated for "The Act," which I did not watch because I still have not forgiven her for the hate crime that was "The Kissing Booth." The terribleness of it still gives me shivers.

To the show!

Mi'Busy 2020 is in full swing

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As is the norm when Michelle Williams acts in anything, she was nominated for an award. This year, for actress in a mini-series or TV movie for "Fosse/Verdon," which she obviously won. And here's Busy's reaction during Michelle's speech:

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Their friendship continues to be the best thing to come out of Dawson's Creek next to that hilarious time Katie Holmes sang "On My Own."

Because she wins 98% of the time she's nominated, Michelle always comes prepared with a meaningful speech that no stage manager would cue walk-off music for:

And because I am also prepared, here are the few audience shots I got of them:

Michelle's fiance Thomas Kail was also there, but the camera operators gave the people what they wanted.

Find someone who looks at you like Reese looks at Leo

This was during Brad's acceptance speech for supporting actor (we're all on a first name basis) and I don't blame Reese. Also does the shadow of her chair make her arm look really cut? Been working them delts. Anyway, Leo looking like a McDonald's hamburger — just not aging and juicy with no expiration date. I don't know if it's because of all the 20-year-old models he dates, but his skin is unbelievable. I'd like to applaud 10-year-old me because I clearly knew Leo was a long-term hottie and recognized it by hanging several foldout posters of him from BOP and BB. Chef's kiss.

I'm not crying you're crying

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I think we can all agree that in this bowl of soggy cereal that is Hollywood, Tom Hanks is the one crunchy and sweet piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (that complex metaphor means he stands out because he's genuine, wow keep up). His film career, much like both of Danity Kane's albums, is fully comprised of hits. So it makes sense that he finally won the Cecil B. DeMille Award. His four kids and Rita Wilson were at the show and he choked up thanking them and it was so freaking cute and maybe MAYBE I ALMOST cried. However, physically, I can only cry once per year and I'm saving that one time this year for when Rihanna releases a new album (sorry Tom).

Now, I know we all have our own opinions about which Tom Hanks movie is best but the thing is, if you're saying anything BESIDES "You've Got Mail" you are objectively wrong. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

And this seems like an approp time to share that I dated his son Colin in 2015. That's right. He was waiting in the lobby of my office building and I stood 5 ft away from him and we made eye contact for a solid 3 SECONDS. It was the most magical time of my life because when you know, you know.

Rounding this out by noting his other son Chet used to be a "rapper" who went by the name Chet Haze. I'll let you do your own Googling on that.

How mad is ScarJo that she isn't the first Asian to win this award

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Awkwafina won actress in a musical or comedy for "The Farewell," making her the first woman of Asian descent to win a lead actress Golden Globe for a film. Even though it's her debut into dramatic acting, Awkwafina is so so so good in this movie (that's based on experiences from director/writer Lulu Wang's life).

Speaking of Lulu Wang (who is a genius), I just need to note that she's in a relationship with Barry Jenkins (who is also a genius):

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Meaning they are just this gorgeous, amazingly creative and talented couple out here making movies like no one else. And just as he was snubbed for the directing award last year for "If Beale Street Could Talk," she was also snubbed this year. THE GLOBES LIVE TO DISAPPOINT!

In which I am also snubbed
Bong Joon-ho won the award for Foreign Film for "Parasite" and even though his English is pretty good, he brought a translator onstage who I was shocked to learn was not me?? So I'm sitting here all Korean looking like a chump??

It's almost as if no one thinks I am a legitimate Korean speaker even though I've watched more than 7 K-dramas AND know all of Blackpink's discography. Wow. The disrespect really jumps out.

Anyway, I know the name "Parasite" makes you think it's a weird horror film, but it's really not. It's more of a thriller with a side of comedy and has such an interesting and surprising storyline. It won the Palme d'Or at Cannes and now it's the first Korean film to be nominated for (and win!) a Golden Globe. Hoping it gets those Oscar noms!

ADAM DRIVER IS MARRIED??!

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I AM SHOCKED AND UPSET AND SHOCKINGLY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEWS. I immediately looked it up and his wife's name is Joanne and they got married in 2013 AND THEY HAVE A BABY???? Do you think this means their relationship is serious????

Regardless, like best friend Dr. Chloe says, "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score." Hahahaha she doesn't really say that (except when she does). The main takeaway here is while it's a bit unclear, I'm starting to think he might not want to date me. So I'm not going to end this section by saying something vulgar and suggestive like I've got something Adam can Drive. I'm not.

Speaking of my personal life...

I'm no longer dating Rami Malek
It's not because of anything he did (or because he has a girlfriend), it's just that I only have room in my life for one little pocket prince and that is now Timothee Chala-mother-may-I. Rami was upset that I sent him a DM with the news. Here he is about to run away like the Road Runner while eating that same piece of hard candy he's been eating since last awards season:

Cousin Greg is tall as hell

I mean, I knew this from watching "Succession," but seeing him onstage with his tiny cast members magnified his stilt-like nature. I looked it up and he's 6'5", but I swear he looks like he's 8'4" MINIMUM. I love how little 5'6" Kieran Culkin stood far from him because y'all, the first time I saw them next to each other onscreen was like seeing a pen next to a football goal post.

I'm gonna need everyone to watch both seasons of this show partially because it's wildly dramatic and entertaining and mostly because, can someone let me know if I think Jeremy Strong is attractive?

His bearded, manicured mountain man (what up consonance) look is playing with my emotions.

CHRIS EVANS

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That's it. That's the only note I took, just his name in all caps. His scruffy beard looks like a Brillo pad and AGAIN I am not going to be Josie Grossy and say something like if he's a Brillo pad, I am a dirty pan with baked on grease. I am not because I am mature.

Is this what all stepdads look like?

To recap: Zoe Kravitz's dad is Lenny, her mom is Lisa Bonet and her stepdad is Jason Mamoa. Which means their family photos just spontaneously combust from pure hotness, every year. It's why no one has received a Christmas card ever. And AGAIN, I am not going to sully this blog by saying something like I've got some Aqua he can Man. I don't say that stuff anymore!

When you grace a rinky dink awards show with your presence and still don't win

Beyonce and Jay-Z showed up during Phoebe Waller-Bridge's acceptance speech and surprisingly, stayed through the rest of the show. Even after Beyonce lost original song to Elton John. But I'm pretty sure, of all the A-listers in the room, Beyonce is the one celeb every other celeb wants to talk to so where's the trophy for that.

She also remained seated while everyone else gave Joaquin Phoenix a standing ovation when he won, because Bey knows he is not talented enough to be as weird as he is. Just the facts.

And that's it! The show only ran a little long (much like this post, holy crap). And honestly, the secretive process through which winners are decided is kind of bogus EXCEPT for when the actors and shows and movies that I want to win, win. In that case, they are correct and unbiased and make sense.

Glad to be back in the best season of the year with you all! A time that'll be rudely interrupted by The Bachelor — see you tomorrow for that!

Til then, find me still in a state of shock to learn that mayonnaise is really good? Did everyone already know this? And also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 Emmys?

First and foremost, the Emmys were already in the negative FOR COMPLETELY SHUTTING OUT BEYONCE'S HOMECOMING FILM. She was nominated in 6 categories at the Creative Arts Emmys and her biggest loss was Outstanding Variety Special to James Corden's Carpool Karaoke. Y'all. Carpool Karaoke beat this:

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Beyonce had twins, ate only lettuce for months, went to 40 spin classes a day between hours of dance practice, and created an artistic masterpiece for Coachella. Meanwhile, James Corden taped a camera to his windshield. SCREAMING.

Luckily, the 14-hour E! Red Carpet caught wind of my anguish and opted out of their normal stupidity this year. Just kidding Rancic brought out her skunk tail and sprayed everyone with the stench of stupid questions. Letting Emilia Clarke and Lin Manuel Miranda's facial expressions speak for all of us:

I realized E!'s red carpet interviews have gotten really long. Over the course of the 400 hour pre-show, they only talked to maybe 10 celebs, tops, compared to the 5,000 Seacrest used to torture in his heyday. This ratio tells me that most A-listers are opting to skip these interviews because, well, it's better for their skin and probably overall wellness.

Speaking of looking your best...

Best dressed

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CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE ZENDAYA INVENTED THE COLOR GREEN. She showed up 2 minutes before the show started and breezed past the media line like the most glamorous gust of wind ever. Hair, makeup, dress, THIS ENTIRE LOOK. I'm screaming. How many studios do you think immediately approached her about a Poison Ivy reboot.

Last thing I'll scream about Zendaya is you should love yourself, but also, if someone offered me the chance to change my entire face and body to be Zendaya, there would be a Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the wall of me barreling through to sign the papers.

Honorary mentions

Emilia Clarke is always in my top 5 during awards season so she obvi didn't disappoint. How mad do you think Joey Potter is that Emilia stole her trademark for the middle part? Also, do you think I can wear this dress to work? I love that she fashioned a dress top out of two pieces of tissue paper — rumor has it, she used it later to stuff a gift for her best friend. We stan a Khaleesi who uses multi-purpose materials! My favorite part of this entire look is the dress' pockets. I am absolutely positive Emilia is someone (like me) who screams "BUT LOOK, IT HAS POCKETS!!" to anyone who will listen, while swishing around.

Including Mandy Moore's Emmys look and after-party look because I haven't seen a more flawless transition since the dissolve slide transition in the 2002 version of Power Point. Love that she drew inspiration from the two best Starburst flavors, which yes speaking of candy, I was upset that she once again did not win an award meaning she DID NOT get to perform "Candy," which is what she would be legally obligated to do.

To the show!

MI'BUSY IS BACK
I love when Michelle Williams is nominated (which is almost every year) because she ALWAYS brings BFF Busy. Here is a story in three parts of their journey at the Emmys from Busy's IG story:

Apparently when you arrive, EVERYONE has to wait in line to walk the carpet. And it was in the 90s on Sunday evening in LA, so can you even imagine how much melted bronzer and foundation was all over that carpet. After getting through the line, they were late getting into the show, so they had to wait by the doors during the (kind of dumb) intro. And after Michelle won, Busy carried her award AS ANY GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES while Michelle answered her 5 billion texts. As my friends know, any awards they get, I get too. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES OF FRIENDSHIP.

Offering some clarification because I needed it: Michelle won the lead actress in a limited series or TV movie category for her work in "Fosse/Verdon," NOT as late recognition for her work on "Dawson's Creek." I know, I was surprised too.

Anyway, this was Busy's reaction during Michelle's acceptance speech:

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Michelle used her stage time to talk about pay inequality in Hollywood, particularly for women of color.

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She ended her speech by mentioning her daughter (with Heath Ledger): "For Matilda, this is for you like everything else" and when I say the tears gushed out, I mean it was a family-sized pack of Gushers in here.

I remain the #1 fan of this friendship and will continue to send them poorly recorded videos of me singing that Paula Cole song I only associate with "Dawson's Creek" until they let me into the friend group.

While on the topic of Dawson
Can someone let me know if I think James Van Der Beek is attractive?

Like I know this suit jacket looks like salmon sashimi that's been out too long, but also, I think I would let him Dawson my Creek? (AYYYYYY, you're welcome).

Billy Porter invented hats

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Billy is the first openly black gay man to win the lead actor in a drama category for his work on "Pose," and he delivered on the fashion and the speech (check it out here). And now he's only one award (the O) away from an EGOT! I also want to note that when he won, he ran up the stairs in 6-inch platforms, which actually should've earned him the Oscar on the spot completing his EGOT.

Well this was unexpected
Phoebe Waller-Bridge and "Fleabag" came through with the upset over "Veep," winning the awards for lead actress in a comedy, comedy series, and writing for a comedy series. I would like to say no one was more shocked than me, but Phoebe proved me wrong:

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And get ready for what may be unpopular opinion: I liked "Fleabag" (the second season more) and found some parts funny, but I def wasn't as obsessed with it as Twitter told me to be. And I do love PWB, but honestly I love what she does for "Killing Eve" more than anything.

Speaking of, Phoebe getting nominated in comedy and drama categories is pretty freaking great. I have personally only been nominated in both a total of zero times, so I can attest to the difficulty.

Speaking of Killing Eve....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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The lead actress in a drama category was more stacked than my plates at a Vegas buffet and included Emilia Clarke, Sandra Oh and okay those are the only two besides Jodie I would've accepted winning. But I wanted Jodie to win THE MOST. If you've ever seen "Killing Eve" you understand. She has such good comedic timing and makes being a serial assassin look like such a delight (also her character's fashion is ABOVE AND BEYOND anyone else).

She accepted her award wearing all white, featuring no barbecue sauce stains which wow, how. And mentioned she didn't bring her parents to the ceremony because she didn't think she'd win. Leaving you with this moment of Jodie walking offstage with Gwyneth Paltrow, who presented the award:

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I learned that in this moment, Gwyneth could be heard asking Jodie "Do you know any of the nominees?" Um. One of the nominees was Sandra Oh. Who is in the same show as Jodie. Gwyneth literally announced the nominees and had to say both of their names followed by "Killing Eve."

Wait, on the topic of Gwyneth....

When you remember how to do regular human things like walk

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Y'all, this gif is sped up because I'm not exaggerating when I say it took her 8 minutes to walk the 15 feet from backstage to the mic. It's like she was just fitted for these legs and is testing them out for the first time. That or beneath that dress is a bunch of tiny squirrels on each others shoulders pretending to be legs. Honestly, we'll never know.

As a note, I always feel a teensy bit bad making fun of people EXCEPT for Gwyneth who I know is an evil cyborg who has no feelings. For me, it's like making fun of a vacuum (because she really sucks the fun out of everything OOOOOH).

The only one who deserved to win over my husband, Mahershala Ali

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Jharrel Jerome won the award for lead actor in a limited series or TV movie for "When They See Us," and this was Jharrel's first Emmy nomination and first win (1 for 1!). He thanked his mom, who he brought as his date, and the "Exonerated Five" and was absolutely one of the most deserving winners of the night. He's also the first Afro-Latino to win an acting Emmy and the youngest to win the category, major!

Also of note, he had the best stage exit of the night:

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AND NONE FOR BRAN
During one of the 40 tributes to Game of Thrones over the course of the evening, the "main" cast members came onstage to present the award for supporting actress in a limited series or TV movie:

The thing is, I'd say Theon and Melisande (actors on the ends) were not on the show's first string team, but they got to be onstage INSTEAD OF BRAN (insert whatever his real name is here), AKA THE CHARACTER WHO TOOK THE IRON THRONE IN THE END. I screamed at the distinction, not that we needed confirmation that his character (and the show's ending) were dumb as hell. We did get this quick shot of him in the audience, applauding the cast like everyone else:

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While we're on this topic....

In which no one is surprised

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Game of Thrones won the Emmy for drama series, I think because it was promised to them from the get-go, not because the final season was actually good. The last time I saw this many white people on stage was, well, just a few moments before when John Oliver won the award for variety talk series. The show's writer-directors David Benioff and D.B. Weiss gave the acceptance speech because we really all need to hear from them about as much as I need to hear a train whistle in my ear.

Now, I was a huge GoT fan (enough to use the abbreviation), which is why I know the finale was trash. In a poll designed by me given to me by me, all respondents agreed "Killing Eve" should've won.

Some final notes to wrap this up: Yes, we were all laughing AT Kim and Kendall Kardashian not with them; Yes, Sansa Jonas (aka Sophie Turner) should've won the supporting actress in a drama series award; No, I still do not consider The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a comedy; and No, I still do not want to watch Ozark.

Thanks for reading! Til next time, find me sending my friends closeups of my head asking if I can pull off a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).