What did we learn from the 2019 Grammys?

Welcome to an awards show where I can't scream about Gemma Chan! Luckily there's plenty of other stuff to screech about because the Grammys were ALMOST 4 HOURS LONG.

This year's recap is brought to you by all of these fans not missing an opportunity to snap photos of their faves on the red carpet:

As is my unexplainable routine, I watched the 12 hours of pre-show coverage because I needed to hear a bunch of Z-listers on E! debate potential looks like "I MEAN SHE WORE CLOTHES LAST YEAR, BUT WILL SHE WEAR CLOTHES THIS YEAR?" Riveting.

In a shocking turn of events, Rancic actually looked pretty great. I can't believe I just typed those words because this is the first time in the history of ever that she's looked great. Just a simple hairdo and makeup and a super cute dress!

But don't worry, she was still steadfast in the level of stupid she brought to the Red Carpet. And I'm positive she brought the fashion extra hard because Seacrest, wearing a suit from his own dumbass collection, wore THESE BOBO ASS SHOES:

I could give two farts if these are Versace or Givenchy or K-Mart — they're ugly. You know who wears these? High school boys who think they're hot shit because they're on the 8th string of the football team and just got new puka shells and a Playstation 2 last week.

Best dressed:

We did not see nearly enough of Jorja Smith who was nominated for Best New Artist. A quick summary of Jorja: she's English, has an amazing voice, won the Brits' Critics Choice Awards last year (past winners include Adele and Ellie Goulding) and allegedly dated Drake in 2017 while they worked on some songs together AND HE GOT A TATTOO FOR HER. Or well, Jorja doesn't think that part is true, but he got an "11" tattoo and her birthday is on June 11 and her debut EP was called "Project 11" so I'll let you deduct what you will. Anyway, THIS LOOK SHE IS SERVING:

This is actually the exact face I make when someone finds out I'm Korean and responds with "Oh, my best friend is Chinese" UM OK. So even though Jorja didn't win, she gave us this look and also her boyfriend is pretty hot and she got Drake to tattoo her birthday on his body so all of that combined, I think, is the equivalent of a lifetime achievement award.

Source

Here's the thing: K-Pop stars dress INFINITELY better than American pop stars. So while we were rolling out Post Malone who I think might just be a dumpster masquerading as a human, these BTS boys were strolling through in fine ass, tailored suits (made by a Korean designer!). And before you start screaming "Omg how old are they" how about you calm the F down because the youngest one is Jungkook (in the middle waving) and he's 21 and we're dating. It's whatever. We share earrings it's great and we are both old enough to buy alcohol so stop asking.

To the show!

Whatever new girl group this is, I'm in

Source

Alicia Keys opened the show with Gaga, Jada Pinkett-Smith, J.Lo in a bigass hat AND MICHELLE OBAMA. I could barely hear anything over my own screaming.

I am Ariel

Because Shawn Mendes is clearly Prince Eric with those striped pants. He also wore this silk, sleeveless top and his piano was literally imploding because none of us were expecting to see that body'ody. He started the performance singing "In My Blood," which is coincidentally enough the name of his song and also words I've written in letters to him because nothing says normal, non-creepy love like using the word blood.

After his broody piano playing, Miley came out sporting the ol' vest-with-no-shirt-underneath look and they sang together:

Source

There is nothing I love more than fire during a performance. It's wildly dramatic and also really dangerous and that's the mix I'm interested in. Also want to note that on the red carpet, Seacrest asked Shawn if he and Miley would "be looking at each other" during the performance to which Shawn was like "Um, yes, we'll both be up there singing together so I'm pretty sure we'll make eye contact" and my mind exploded because Seacrest isn't qualified to interview a toucan.

Speaking of the red carpet, Shawn was obviously one of the best dressed men of the night and here he is thirst trapping all of us:

Very excited to be a member of the Church of Janelle
Janelle Monae gave one of the top 2 performances of the night (check it out here), reminding us that in addition to acting, she can write meaningful lyrics, sing and moonwalk across a stage while wearing PVC leather:

Source

Meanwhile, half of us can barely eat a grilled cheese while watching a Fyre Fest documentary. Here she is dropping the mic at the end of her performance as she realizes how many mortal uggos are surrounding her.

Source

We stan a multi-talented queen.

CARDI CARDI CARDI
The other top performance of the night was OBVIOUSLY Cardi. Show producers were smart to put her in the last third of this 18-hour show because things had gotten pretty sleepy. But then:

Source

She performed "Money" and twerked on top of a piano and it was everything we needed. Plus we were all introduced to Chloe Flower, the pianist who opened Cardi's performance. This is the photo I will show my kids when I force, I mean ask, them if they want to take piano lessons:

"DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A BAD ASS BITCH? DON'T YOU? Now go make Mommy proud."

Cardi also became the first solo woman to win the award for Rap Album. Her speech was so freaking cute because she was legitimately surprised and so so gracious about it (unlike fakes we've seen in the past *COUGH TAYLOR SWIFT COUGH*).

Source

UMMM BUT CAN OFFSET PLEASE SEE HIMSELF OFF STAGE?? And yes, I know she was gripping his hand because she was so nervous, but I will never forgive him for being in her spotlight (or for cheating on her). Y'all when I say I was happy for her, I mean I literally clenched my heart when her name was announced like I'm some proud grandma. "Invasion of Privacy" was OBJECTIVELY (did you hear me, I said OBJECTIVELY) one of the best albums of 2018. It's got bops, it's got sass, it's got bangers, it cleared up my acne and paid off my car. Amazing.

Final Cardi note: She wore this Little Mermaid getup on the red carpet that only permitted her to move around in a sort of shuffle and I loved everything about it including the hat that I think is supposed to be like the pearl inside an oyster?

Source

But are we far from the Shallow now

Source

Based on her reaction to winning, you may not know this little known artist. Her name is Lady Gaga and SHE'S ONLY WON LIKE 450 GRAMMYS. Sure, this year's win was for a song from a movie featuring her first starring role, but dear God how many more times will we have to hear how Bradley Cooper apparently Tony Robbins'd her life and completely changed everything. She continues to act like she was Nikki Blonsky working at Coldstone and got plucked from obscurity to be in "Hairspray." When we all know Gaga was swimming in her pool made of melted down Grammys when B.Coop asked her to be in a recycled movie.

Luckily, we got a glimpse of old Gaga during her performance:

Only one more major awards show left for Gaga to be president of the high school drama club. Then can we please return to walking a red carpet inside an egg.

The bigger the hair, the closer to God

Source

I love how Kacey Musgraves brings out this bump-it for all her major performances. AND THOSE HOOPS! In a dramatic turn of events that surprised me the most, she was the artist I listened to most on Spotify in 2018. Who would've guessed. "The Golden Hour" really is that bitch. But do I think I am the one to thank for Kacey winning album of the year? Yes I am and she did thank me when she said "Thank you to the fans" UM FANS COME FROM ASIA. I AM ASIAN. So the logical connection is there, you see it. Speaking of fans, for all you history buffs, Kacey actually invented fans:

She performed "Rainbow" and all I want to talk about is how MOTHER FRACKING FLAWLESS HER MAKEUP AND BROWS AND LASHES ARE????? SHE DOES NOT HAVE PORES????

I'm hollering. The other thing I like about her is she looks like she could fight? Like she's definitely punched someone in the face before. And if that doesn't make you want to listen to her album, her reaction to winning Album of the Year should:

Source

Um, also when she won, this guy was onstage with her?

Wearing football pads and combat boots? So I guess some sort of time traveling fashion disaster? Cool.

When your cloning machine actually works

St. Vincent and Dua Lipa performed a collab of "Masseducation" and "One Kiss" and it was a win all around for short bobs. I saw St. Vincent perform at Panorama last year and by "saw" I mean I have a very blurry drunken image of her singing, I think. Was happy to see her perform because she's great! And Dua always delivers so. But how in the hell does she go to the bathroom with those nails. Or type emails. Or like, peel oranges. Mind boggling.

Things I could've done without
1) Whichever one this is from Dan + Shay wearing a shirt that looks like it includes Bluetooth headphones:

2) And then that same dude during their performance of "Tequila" holding that last note for what felt like 14 minutes:

Source

I don't even remember what the last word was, but I feel like it was something ordinary, like "pencil" and he just held it for an inordinate amount of time like "PEEEEEEEEEEEENCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL." We did not ask for this.

3) Everything about the Post Malone + Red Hot Chili Peppers performance. I don't even have a screenshot of it because this was my face the entire time:

Source

I just kept wondering how the Grammys found the time to gather all of the men I find least attractive and put them on one stage. Like some sort of PSA for birth control and it worked.

4) Everything and I mean EVERYTHING about J.Lo's Motown tribute.

First off, whose idea was it to have J.Lo do the Motown tribute? Secondly, does no one remember that J.Lo doesn't have that great of a voice? Someone was ABSOLUTELY singing behind the scenes for her, Milli Vanilli style. This entire performance was bizarre. Do you think they asked Beyonce first? And after she said no, asked 300 other people who all said no before finally being like "Oh, J.Lo is the last person left to ask"? It is the only explanation.

Things I could've done with more of
1) Maren Morris' hoops

2) Alicia Keys singing every genre of music

She performed a medley of a bunch of hits and some oldies including Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)" and if that piano intro doesn't make you involuntarily scream YESSSSS you are tasteless and I hate you.

3) BTS reaction shots

Source

4) Close-ups of Dua Lipa's brows

It's upsetting that she gets to be that tall and talented with those naturally great brows. Like, I didn't know we were allowed to choose more than one talent from the talent pool so I only chose "able to eat a lot of food but also gain weight." Pissed.

5) H.E.R. wearing sunglasses indoors

And wait actually that woman behind her with the side eye who clearly has no time for this fucking 15-hour show.

6) Degrassi

7) Childish Gambino

"This is America" won Song and Record of the Year, the first rap song to do so! Donald Glover wasn't there though because we were watching from home, but thank you all for the lovely messages we enjoyed reading them while eating our dumplings and watching Marie Kondo's Netflix show.

And that's it! I mean, obviously 800 other things happened because this show was on for 48 hours. If you want to know irrelevant shit like, all of the actual winners, check that out here.

See you tomorrow for Bachelor trash! Til then, find me making friendship bracelets for me and Chrissy Teigen and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez because we're all friends and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

What did we learn from the 2019 Golden Globe Awards?

Welcome to awards show season! Aka the period of time in my life where my emotions are either extreme happiness or extreme anger with no in-between because I don't half-ass, I full ass everything. The Golden Globes remain the most entertaining because they cover movies and TV and more importantly, all of the celebs are boozed up on 7,500 glasses of champagne.

Ahead of the main event, I wanted to simulate the feeling of slamming my hand in a door, so I watched 100 hours of E!'s red carpet pre-show. Long lasting pain only topped by:

Cheers to another year of Rancic torturing us! Wait you know what, it's a new year and I'm mature and thoughtful and not up to trash talking her and...

Haha jk I absolutely am because she looks like what would happen if a bunch of Claire's jewelry came to life. Do you even think she remembers what her natural skin tone looks like?

And don't worry! Seacrest was on his usual BS. I'll let my friends Michael & Lupita, Julia and Timothee show us the three stages of talking with him:

1) You realize you're an accomplished actor in a designer outfit at a swanky affair talking to a scrub.
2) You realize he is asking you something dumb like, if pigeons drink gin is it just called pigin?
3) You realize you should probably fight him.

To better things...

Best dressed

OBVIOUSLY. I screamed. Something that my new neighbors were absolutely not prepared for. Y'ALL. GEMMA CHAN IS WEARING SHORTS UNDER A GOWN. I SCREAM. We all love a queen who is prepared to drop down and get her eagle on (hi Nelly) without showing her eagle. Also this color is gorgeous on her. AND POCKETS! I heard she ripped off the gown part during the after party when the DJ played Rihanna. Quote me.

Everything in this photo. The entire cast of "Black Panther" is pretty flawless. To be completely honest, Lupita Nyong'o could wear a sweater made of mustard stains and she'd look like a supermodel. Also, for FYI purposes, Michael B. Jordan is gesturing to me about how large the ring box will be when he proposes, thank you all for noticing.

Source

THIIIIIIIIIS BITCH. Rosamund Pike showed up wearing some sort of vampire ballerina gown complemented by a choker and a jacket made of shattered disco ball. AND a middle part! Honestly, a part of me kind of thinks Rosamund IS her character from "Gone Girl" and that terrifies me slightly but is always what I look for in favorite actresses. And full disclosure, if Anne Hathaway or Amy Adams showed up in this, I would hate it. They just don't have the Pike appeal. Ending this by saying I have Michael Phelps shoulders that should easily support a draped jacket look, but in a shocking turn of events, they don't. It's my cross to bear. Bare? Bear? Beer?

Best moment

If you are a tasteless person who hates laughing, you probably haven't seen "The Good Place," which Jameela Jamil is in. Her character's name is Tahani Al-Jamil and long story short, she lives in the shadow (hi Ashlee Simpson) of her sister Kamilah. Quick gif because it's mandatory:

Source

So whoever at E! either purposely or accidentally typed her name as "Kamilah" should be promoted. I could not stop laughing. And calm down, Jameela of course found it hilarious:

From her Twitter

Wait back to Gemma Chan

Y'all, when she first appeared on screen in "Crazy Rich Asians" I audibly gasped. I haven't been so surprised by someone's beauty since I saw myself in the mirror for the first time after straightening my hair in 9th grade. And no matter how many times I see her, and by "see her," I mean creep on her Instagram, I can't help but be completely blown away by the fact that THIS IS WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. LIKE, THIS IS HER FACE ALL THE TIME. 

It's mind boggling that on one end of the human woman spectrum is me and the other is Gemma Chan. Can you believe. And I'm not saying that I think I'm ugly (my mom says I have a really great personality), I'm saying that it's crazy I have basically the same internal situation going on as her. Like, we're probably 80% the same right. But holy shit, that 20% makes a huge difference.

Okay, back to the Globes. A summary of important statistics from the evening:

- Number of times Gemma Chan was shown on-screen: 3

- Number of times I screamed "SHOW GEMMA CHAN!": 4,567

Here are those three moments:

To clarify, that sun wasn't even out, this brightness is just shining out of her. That blonde assistant can't even look at her without squinting BECAUSE GEMMA CHAN IS THE SUN. Also who is that Asian man with the chiseled jaw next to her? Asking for a friend. Also, is her hair just literally a low messy bun, HOW DOES SHE DO IT.

Source

And here she is on the red carpet showing that her dress has pockets because if you wear a dress with pockets and don't constantly point out the pockets, does the dress even have pockets? I know I mentioned this earlier, but I screamed. And I'm screaming just re-watching this.

And here is a voyeuristic, creep shot of her during the show sitting next to Laura Harrier. That's right. I could tell it was Laura Harrier just by half of her face. Some people are good at stupid things like math and science. I'm skilled at identifying celebrities in dark, blurry screenshots. 

Here we Ga-go

This is probably unpopular opinion, but I do not understand the hype around "A Star is Born." It's the FOURTH time this movie has been made and if we've learned anything from the Spider-Man franchise, it's that things do not get better if you keep remaking them. Kind of like burnt cookies. They won't get better if you put them back in the oven again and again.

The storyline is so simple (A rock star has a drug/alcohol problem! A woman's love might save him! It's tumultuous!) and Bradley Cooper looks sweaty and dirty and mumbles through 104% of it. Honestly, the best part is when Gaga's character becomes a pop star (aka Gaga) and performs these sell-out pop songs THAT ARE ALL BOPS. 

Luckily, the HFPA agreed and only awarded best original song to Gaga (and Mark Ronson) for "Shallow."

I was hoping should would be in usual Gaga form and wear fried chicken or a hot air balloon, but nope.

Source

Instead, her brought along her serious actress persona, which is that of a high school drama kid who only speaks in run-on sentences and metaphors and has "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" in her email signature. Like girl, you aren't some shy, unknown actress who was plucked from obscurity - you gave us Bad Romance! This isn't new! You walked a red carpet inside an egg once! So I'm not buying this awkward Joey Potter thing she's doing.

Wait, Steve Carrell

All I'm saying is if he weren't happily married and were on a dating app where older men are looking for sugar babies, I would look into it. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

ACTUAL TEARS

I don't know if it's seasonal depression or residual emotions from watching "Dumplin," but I burst into tears when Sandra Oh won best actress in a drama series. An actress of Asian descent hasn't won the category in 39 years! And her precious parents were there and she thanked them and I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING:

Source

Growing up, there were next to no characters on TV who looked like me. Like, the first person I can remember latching on to was Jamie Chung from The Real World: San Diego. Remember her. When she wasn't drunk while dressed up as Eve (of the former couple Adam and Eve), she had a strained relationship with her Korean mom because she didn't speak Korean and her mom didn't speak English. Anyway, it's refreshing and amazing and every other adjective associated with face wash to see Asian actors and actresses in leading roles that aren't MTV reality shows.

To bring this full circle, we'll never know why I cried.

Next year's hosts
I actually really enjoyed Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg, but I'm glad we found our hosts for next year:

And just for FYI, their names are not Screenplay and Motion Picture, but that would be pretty funny. Amy and Maya 2020!

Who is this and why was she invited

Look, even Swifty knows she shouldn't be there. Here she is taking a nap while Gaga accepts her award. NO RESPECT. 

Boyfriends section

I would listen to Mahershala Ali read the nutrition facts on Pop-Tarts because both are unbelievably sweet (see what I did there).

Source

I have actually already imagined my meet cute with him and it goes like this: I am a goofy, New York dog walker who somehow affords to live in a one-bedroom loft in Soho. He is Mahershala Ali. One day while walking some of my clients (they're all wiener dogs, btw), I trip and fall into marriage with him. That's it, the end.

Can you believe Michael B. Jordan invented the double breasted suit. He actually makes my pupils dilate because I think my brain is like OH GIRL LEMME GET A BETTER LOOK.
You know how cheesy rom-coms have that moment where the girl is looking at art or something and says "It's beautiful" and the guy says "Yeah, beautiful" except he's staring at the girl? That shit is dumb. But if Michael B. Jordan said it, I'm pretty sure my soul would depart my body.

And of course the borderline creepy love of my life, Rami Malek. I love how he always looks like he's trying to hide the fact that he's eating a Lifesaver:

And here he is realizing that the Lifesaver he's been eating is a sour one instead of a regular one:

I imagine Rami is the type of boyfriend who would write me love letters and sign them with actual blood, which I guess is the real measure of love.

SECTION WHERE I YELL ABOUT THE GOOD PLACE

Next to Veep, The Good Place is the best comedy on television. I SAID IT AND I DON'T REGRET IT. And what group best understands comedy? The Hollywood Foreign Press Association of course (not). Members of the HFPA are actually somewhat of a mystery, I guess to avoid ridicule after making stupid choices like naming "The Kaminsky Method" as best comedy series and Rachel Brosnahan as best actress in a comedy series.

Source

I never miss an opportunity to reiterate that The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is not funny. It's not a comedy. It's more of a drama with comedic undertones (and by "undertones" I mean all of Alex Borstein's lines). The only award Rachel Brosnahan should be winning is for when she played that dramatic prostitute on "House of Cards" (REMEMBER HOW KOOKOO HER RELATIONSHIP WITH DOUG WAS?). Mrs. Maisel would be infinitely better if instead of Rachel Brosnahan, it starred Kristen Bell. And instead of Alex Borstein, it was Jameela Jamil. And instead of being The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel it was The Good Place. Fixed it!

"The Kaminsky Method" won the comedy series category. Who has even heard of, let alone watched that. I bet if we polled the world, more people have watched season 8, episode 10 of "Friends" than 10 seconds of "The Kaminsky Method." 

JUSTICE FOR THE GOOD PLACE.

#Krabluntski

As far as I know, there has been three true love stories in the history of time:

1) My parents 

2) Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (rip)

3) Emily Blunt and John Krasinski

Sometimes I actually think it's outright rude how wildly good looking they are. And in a dramatic turn of events, they're both talented and hilarious. And they seem super down to earth. Like I bet Emily has stood in front of the cheese section at Trader Joe's debating between mild cheddar and sharp cheddar. And John has gotten confused about using lay, laid and layed (THEY'RE CONFUSING, OK). Anyway, Emily (who was nominated) presented with Dick Van Dyke and this was John while she was onstage:

Source

Long live Miranda Priestley's assistant and Jim Halpert.

"Thank you ma' bitches"

Olivia Colman is more than we deserve. She won best actress in a drama for "The Favourite" and while I haven't seen the movie yet, I have seen this clip which I think perfectly justifies her win:

She was legitimately grateful and modest during her acceptance speech and used part of the time to thank Melissa McCarthy for bringing ham sandwiches to the event and then part of it to say "thank you to my bitches," aka Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz. Here's her entire speech because it's worthwhile:

While we're on the topic of Olivia Colman's bitches, I need to address Emma Stone yelling "I'm sorry!" after Sandra Oh's joke about how there hasn't been an Asian in a leading role since "Ghost in the Shell" (ScarJo) and "Aloha" (Emma Stone). As the self-appointed spokesperson for Asians, I would like to say that we forgive Emma Stone.

But let it be known that we do not, and will never, forgive Scarlett Johansson for anything ever. 

That feeling when you know no one knows how old you are

I have received confirmation from several research scientists that Lucy Liu stopped aging at 25. She just woke up one morning, looked at her reflection and said "This will do" and that was it.

Reminder: Jeff Bridges' best movie is "Stick It"

Jeff Bridges won the Cecil B. DeMille award (what Oprah won last year) and they showed a retrospective of his films, which, while I'm not the biggest Jeff Bridges fan, I am THE BIGGEST fan of highlight reels. Like, you could piece together photos of french fries set to dramatic music and I would find it moving.

Anyway, out of all his movies that include "The Big Lebowski," "Crazy Heart" and "True Grit," his best by far is "Stick It." That's right. That really bad movie where he plays a gymnastics coach to "rebel" Missy Peregrym (it's clear she is a rebel because she wears trucker hats, duh). He wears polos with popped collars and chews 10,000 piece of gum and at some point yells "STICK IT!" A true artist.

He gave a really, REALLY long speech and I'm about 420% positive that he was high.

WHY
Here is my in memoriam collage of all the Globes ignored foods.
There were big ass boxes of Lindt truffles on every table and I'm going to estimate that approximately one of them was actually opened. And there were apparently some sort of donuts? AND A PLATE OF SANDICHES? AND AN UNEATEN BISCUIT (OR MAYBE THAT'S FISH)? AND SOME SORT OF DESSERT? Dear lord, I am affected. And it's baffling since all of these celebs actually miss the dinner portion of the evening (as they're all on the red carpet).

How do they resist destroying that sandwich platter or stealing all of the chocolates from Charlize Theron's table? This is a world I do not understand.

And that's it! I'm glad I could highlight the most important elements of the evening for you like who my boyfriends are and my campaign for "The Good Place." If you're interested in less important facts like, who won everything, check that out here.

See you all tomorrow as we hop into "The Bachelor" trash bin!