What did we learn from the 2019 American Music Awards?

Apologies for the delay, but after hearing the American Music Awards were honoring Taylor Swift as the "Artist of the Decade" I laughed so unbelievably hard that I passed out for two days.

Welcome to the American Music Awards! Comprised of 40% live performances, 60% audience shots and 100% nonsensical award decisions! Everything is terrible, so here we go!

This year's theme is: No Pants!

You gotta respect the strict "No pants, no problem" rule.

I guess this is a comeback?
Let me first say that I like Selena Gomez and if you say you don't, you're lying to yourself because "Come and Get It" is STILL that song. She opened the show and first performed that new ballad she wrote about Bieber before segueing into "Look at Me Now," which if you're eating mashed potatoes this is that banger you ordered with it.

I know this is a static image but it accurately depicts the level of dancing she was doing. In one way, it's like good for you girl, dancing when you clearly do not know how to, and in another way, it's like, did she draw inspiration from Britney's '07 VMAs debacle?

Regardless, I will listen to this album repeatedly when it's out.

Ciara continues to perform songs that are not "Goodies" and/or "1, 2 Step"

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It's common knowledge that she does not need to release new music. We (the world) would all pay to see her perform 100 different remixes of "Goodies."

I do not have time for this
Halsey won the award for pop/rock song and I guess the excitement of winning literally blew her eyebrows off:

I do not have time for such brow disrespect. I can think of exactly zero times in the history of eyebrows (Emilia Clarke invented them in 2011) that it has been a good idea for someone to CHOOSE flesh-colored eyebrows. Spencer Pratt tried it on "The Hills" and look how that turned out!

Anyway, she gave a pretty passive aggressive acceptance speech aimed at the Grammys (who didn't nominate her this year). A summary of her speech:

"AWARDS DON'T MATTER, I THOUGHT I WANTED A GRAMM—I MEAN, AN AWARD, BUT I DON'T BECAUSE AWARDS DON'T MATTER, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE WHICH I WON BECAUSE THE ONES I WIN DO MATTER. BUT WHEN I'M NOT NOMINATED FOR A GRAMM—I MEAN, AN AWARD, IT'S MOOT. IT'S A COW'S OPINION, IT'S MOO."

You can trust my memory of her speech, I'm nothing if not 65% accurate. Also, I get that she's upset she wasn't nominated for a Grammy, but that's no reason to take it out on her innocent bystander brows.

A collection of men I will not date
I know that Post Malone likely smells like old bread, but that doesn't change the fact that he puts out really, really good music. He performed his song with Travis Scott and Ozzy Osbourne (idk) and as is the trademark move of every rapper who doesn't know what to do with his hands, grabbed his crotch a lot. In this case, he actually might've been doing it because he was confused where his crotch was due to how high-waisted his pants were. A little crotch disorientation.

The best part of this performance was Ozzy sitting in some chair in the background with his mic only slightly on while he mostly did this:

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And I would be remiss if I didn't include the Jonas Brothers in a section about men who repulse me!

I have never understood their appeal because their voices aren't that great? And their music is so-so? And they all look like they have hairy bars of soap in their bathrooms? And Nick Jonas has an extra front tooth? Also, I don't want to look it up, but I feel pretty strongly that Nick and Joe must be under 5 feet tall (combined).

When Beyonce, Adele, Rihanna, Drake, Ariana, Gaga, Hilary Duff,  S Club 7 and the guy who sings in the subway station refuse to attend so they give the "Artist of the Decade" award to the person who will

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I'm not saying I think all of the aforementioned artists are better than Swifty — I'm saying I know they are. Yes, "1989" is a great album but her half-assed attempt to channel Beyonce's energy in "Reputation" was laughable and her continued focus on writing songs about high school love is concerning because, I don't know, maybe she should mature above dating guys from gym class. Above all, it's hard to put aside the fact that she learned everything about "feminism" from.....Lena Dunham, who might be one of the most problematic and generally terribly ignorant people in pop culture to learn from. ANYWAY, not diving into this pool full of vanilla pudding because, messy.

She won every award she was nominated for partially because "the fans voted" (lolololol) and mostly because she was there, living and breathing, in person. So congrats on the breathing!

The actual most talented person in attendance

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Billie Eilish currently uses Invisalign so did I consider doing it too? Yes, but also because of orthodontic reasons, not just so we can be teeth twins (I mean that to sound as creepy as it does). It's actually shocking how talented she is for a 17-year-old. When I was 17, I went to soccer camp and got sunburned so bad, my entire nose peeled off. So nevermind, I guess I do get what it's like to be a teen genius.

She won several awards and fingers crossed this momentum carries and the Grammys don't screw her over like they did to SZA by nominating her a bunch, but giving her nothing.

Can we move past this now
I remain confused by the constant over-the-top show of PDA by Shawn and Camila. It's like, yes I love Doritos, but I don't feel the need to slather my body in them and wear clothes made of them and constantly try to make out with them? Sort of, but also, at some point, people will wonder if there is more to my appeal than my obsession with Doritos.

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But a part of me is also like yes, if I bamboozled Shawn Mendes into dating me (not saying Camila did that), I guess I would attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him constantly too. So to summarize: I remain bitter that Shawn's people (not him, obvi) filibustered my Facebook relationship request, therefore impeding our ability to actually date (that's the only reason, the only one thanks).

When you want to show off all 10 belts you bought at Express at once

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"Don't Start Now" sounds like the song they blast on repeat in every H&M and I like it. And even if you don't, you gotta give respect to Dua for somehow magically avoiding a camel toe in this getup. She is truly remarkable.

And that's it! With this, I have completed my community service of watching three awards shows in a row that combined are about as meaningful as Kylie Jenner's SAT score.

See you all soon! Til then, find me protesting outside of the Flesh-Colored Eyebrows Coalition and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2018 American Music Awards?

Before we jump into things, just reminding you that at shows like the American Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, VMA's, etc., the award literally goes to whoever shows up to this JV pep rally. That's it. Don't let them make you believe there's any sort of "voting."

This year's AMAs recap is brought to you by Taran Killan's reaction to Cardi B's performance:

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As a side note, whenever I see Cobie Smulders I don't think about "How I Met Your Mother" or "The Avengers," instead I immediately think about that Nicholas Sparks movie she was in with Julianne Hough (LOLOLOL) where she played the ghost of Josh Duhamel's wife. And so that's my history with her because I know you were wondering.

I'm skipping over the red carpet because I don't even know where the pre-show aired. I checked my usual dumpster, E!, and it wasn't there so I guess some high school public broadcasting program aired it. Here we gooo!

Still skeptical as hell about this

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Swifty opened the show with her usual dramatics and attempts to dance, but this time with fire! And sass because remember she is in her "badass" phase as is evident in her bangs. I don't actually remember a lot about this because I always find the music and theatrics around her performances pretty amazing while her vocals are meh. It's like having a sandwich made with the most amazing homemade bread while the contents of the sandwich are an old Kraft Singles wrapper. Disappointing and also confusing.

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I don't want to dive into the whole Swifty political sphere except to say yes, it's great and awesome she is using her platform to encourage young people to vote while also pointing out some candidates are literal monsters. But um, girl where was this two years ago? I'm still skeptical as hell of her and I'm pretty sure she has used the line "Do you know who I am?" at CVS when she's forgotten her ExtraCare card.

On the flipside, the entire "1989" album is a bop. So I remain conflicted. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers during this time.

In surprise to no one, she won a bunch of awards because I believe that was in her contract with the AMAs in exchange for her attendance.

Me whenever Mariah is introduced to perform:

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Nothing induces more anxiety than hearing "And now...Mariah Carey!" because you never really know what you're going to get. Will it be like New Year's Eve 2017 Mariah? Or will it magically be 1998 Mariah who can still hit a whistle note? Things ended up okay this time.

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She debuted her new song, which, it's unclear who asked for new Mariah music. I took a poll and we just want her to re-release the "Daydream," "Butterfly," "Rainbow" and "The Emancipation of Mimi" albums over and over again.

When you're casually stretching at the gym and a hot guy walks in

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Cardi, Bad Bunny and J Balvin performed "I Like It," and can y'all believe she had a baby like 3 months ago? For reference, I have had zero babies and the last time I tried to dance or stretch like that I dislocated my uterus.

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Their stage setup was by far, the best. And probably the most entertaining mostly due to Cardi. She proceeded to serve us looks from the audience for the rest of the night while yelling, which, "yells while wearing custom Dolce & Gabbana" is peak what I look for in a role model.

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SECTION WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT FIFTH HARMONY

I'm not going to critique their red carpet looks except to say Camila wins (per usual) because opting for pants that have pockets and allow you to squat and sit with your legs open, always wins. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES. This year, 3/5's of Fifth Harmony showed up, meaning we're gaining one member per year at the AMAs so by 2020 I'm guessing there will be a reunion and they'll perform "Work From Home" and I'll scream. I'm dying at Lauren's facial expression (far right, omg I can't believe I have to point her out to you). She looks like she just saw someone across the room unplug her phone from charging.

Normani and Lauren haven't dropped solo albums yet, so they were both just attendees at the Camila show. And I guess the AMAs forgot their ticket to Petty Town because we got NO reaction shots of either of them when Camila won any of her 50 awards or when she performed. What good are these award shows if not to fuel non-existent drama?

Anyway Camila performed her new song in this bigass gown and some gloves and the biggest question we were all faced with was should I get bangs???

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Okay and again, y'all know I love Camila, but it's like the AMAs thought she was the only attendee. We got approximately 4,568 shots of her during the night.

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Like, can we get some of Constance Wu, who was literally right behind her? Or Cardi? Or one zoomed in on Shawn Mendes' face? Which speaking of...

MY LITTLE CANADIAN BACON

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Shawn Mendes performed "Lost in Japan" because he is obsessed with me (hello - I grew up in Japan and I've been lost many, many times). And if you're wondering how the audience reacted to his entire performance, I'll let Carrie Underwood and this random woman speak for everyone:

It was adorable and my lawyers say I should remind you that he is 20 years old so our relationship is completely legal. Plus, I mean his last name is MENdes not BOYdes because he is a grown man.

Also, he won this award:

ADULT contemporary. An award that can only be won by an ADULT. And sure he can only buy us alcohol in Canada BUT THAT'S FINE.

Spotted: A wild Rami Malek

Speaking of boyfriends. Rami was there to promote his new movie about Queen that he plays Freddie Mercury in. Something about Rami really creeps me out, but also, I think I am in love with him? As the Nobel Laureate Selena Gomez once said, THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.

While we're on the topic of my personal life

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I think I'm also a little bit in love with Quavo? This is a new development. Per my interest in Lil' Wayne, maybe it's his face tattoos? I DON'T KNOW, OKAY. And anyway, he's dating Saweetie (which is cute). So that's the reason we can't date. The only reason.

Someone I am definitely not dating

Let me preface this by saying basically all of Post Malone's songs are catchy as hell. But something tells me that's not the only thing you can catch from him. Also, I feel like he probably smells like hot dogs and old socks?

My time machine worked

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And we're in the 90s! Real quick reminder that DUA LIPA SHOULD BE A BIGGER DEAL THAN SHE IS IN THE U.S. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. She gave us major 90s rave party vibes with this performance and where am I? HERE FOR IT. She wore this baggy pants + ho' top situation that I believe Julia Stiles invented back in the day and proceeded to have neon paint splattered all over her, a practice which was invented in "Miss Congeniality" (if you don't remember the paint drumming scene, please see yourself out).

To top it off, she ended the set by having it rain on stage! Which remains an over-the-top thing I'm obsessed with because it's so extra. And look, I am afforded essentially no opportunities to be onstage, but the moment I am given one, you better believe I'm gonna make it rain (literally, not with money).

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Anyway, it was the most fun performance and she sang live the entire time and most importantly she had the best brows of the evening:

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We also got back to the 90s with Halsey and her jeans + Jordans combo during her performance with Khalid and Benny Blanco:

Time travel is great.
   
TWO WORDS: MISS. AYYYYY.

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Missy Elliott came out for a remix of Ciara's "Level Up" and I felt like I was 14 again buying Adidas Superstars so I could dance to "Gossip Folks" (the shoes activate your dancing skills, duh). The "Under Construction" album remains one of the best and I will fight you.

Oh also, reminder that aside from Cardi, Ciara should've been the only one allowed to dance during the show.

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In case you're wondering, Carrie Underwood is a:

Great job, AMAs. This cracked me up for a bit.

Thank goodness, no Madonna

Remember a few months ago when Madonna come out at the end of the VMAs to "pay tribute" to Aretha Franklin and we, as a universe, felt embarrassed and upset and befuddled as to who let Madonna out of her crypt? The AMAs tribute to Aretha was the polar opposite of that. Actually, you can't even compare them. Gladys Knight, Donnie McClurkin, CeCe Winans, Ledisi, and Mary Mary all covered songs from her "Amazing Grace" album and it was unbelievably great. The best way to end the night.

And that's it! This fracking show was THREE HOURS LONG. What do the AMAs think they are? The Oscars? Titanic?

See you all soon! Til then, find me eating trail mix made mostly of chocolate while calling it "healthy food" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

The K-Mac Stack - 12/17/2017

I finally listened to Swifty's "Reputation"
Look, I'm not ashamed to admit 1989 was a hot ass album. I love every song on it, even though my heart and brain and organs tell me that Taylor Swift is a snake and would Regina George me in a second. I of course took the time to listen to her latest album, once it was made available on Spotify because the only music I will outright buy is the Danity Kane reunion album.

A quick summary of how every song goes on this album:

• Dramatic talking. 
• A build up with either whisper singing or repeating the same words over and over. 
• Loud actual singing. 

Anyway, not a fan of this album or her whole "IDGAF what you say about me except I really do because I made an entire album about it but I'm badass now but not badass enough to be able to take any sort of criticism but like you guys remember how Kanye wronged me I don't want to talk about it but I will talk about it this entire album" aura she's putting off.

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To be honest, this is the most banging playlist of the year
So one day, I was casually browsing my Spotify when I was presented with this playlist. I scrolled through it thinking "Hot damn this is banging" before realizing this is in fact my own "Top Songs of 2017" playlist based off the top 100 songs I listened to this year (and no it's not just Bodak Yellow and Work From Home on repeat thank you very much). What can I say, I'm really good at knowing what I want to hear.

Anyway, if you're looking for some tunes to blast in your car, on the subway, at the gym, at your wedding, when your friend is in labor, etc. THIS IS IT!

Also, I have to let the masses know that "Work From Home" was one of my top 5 played songs of the year FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. I plan to continue this tradition until I die at which time it will be played at my funeral.

I guess this is how I'll learn Korean and Spanish
Sticking to this music theme, my two favorite songs of the moment are not in English because I am a citizen of the world and so global (and not just because I bought those "Jams of the World" that one time from World Market).

You've heard me mention them before because they've recently blown up in the US, but BTS is this precious K-Pop group. They're like the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC (haha I had to Google where the asterisk went) if either of those groups could actually hip-hop dance and sing at the same time. I'm down with their 90s'ish wardrobe and the bucket hats and GOOD LORD LOOK AT THEIR HAIR. So shiny and luxurious unlike that ramen noodle hair situation Justin Timberlake had going on. Anyway, cash me in AP Korean class how bou' dah.

Look, I don't speak Spanish, but I've been listening to this song on repeat so check in with me next week when I'm fluent. Based on the video, this song is about bamboozling money from dudes at the casino downtown while wearing bomb ass clothes? Can someone please confirm for me. Also, I'm not a Brazilian woman (did you guys know that), but if I was, I think it'd be great to be Anitta. She is actually a flawless human being. And little known tidbit -- I have this unexplainable attraction to J Balvin. He seems, smooth? Like he would have game. And not like Monopoly.

Where has actress Mary J. Blige been our whole lives
I know all of you either have a Netflix account or you have the password to your ex-boyfriend's mom's co-worker's daughters account, so I need for you to watch Mudbound as soon as possible. The story is based around a white sharecropper family and black sharecropper family, both of whom have a family member return home after WWII. Mary J. Blige plays the mother of one family and she is utterly amazing. She completely dissolves into the role that you forget it's even Mary J. Blige, which is quite the feat. Anyway, yes I cried at some point and I feel this image below correctly summarizes sentiment if she isn't recognized this awards show season:

Lady Bird lives up to the hype
After seeing it was the highest rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes with the most 100% ratings, I was still a little uncertain. But y'all, that movie lives up to the hype and more. Saoirse Ronan stars as Lady Bird and as a note, she is the only actress I've ever forgiven for her film transgressions (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT KEIRA KNIGHTLEY AND JAMES MCAVOY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER IN ATONEMENT. I WAS VERY AFFECTED).

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Coming-of-age movies too often come off as...fake? Almost as if filmmakers watch episodes of "Dawson's Creek" and decide that is how most teens experience life except you can't relate because you can't row a boat across a creek because it gives your hand calluses. A lot of these movies are over dramatic in portraying the way-way highs and way-way lows of growing up, but Lady Bird doesn't fall into this trap. It feels genuine and there's at least one thing in one of the characters you can relate to. And the early 2000s soundtrack doesn't hurt.


Let's talk about Golden Globe nominations
While I enjoy the Golden Globes, I sometimes find the nominations to be...off. This is obviously because nominees are chosen by about 90 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  It's all very confusing because is a small group of journalists really qualified to choose nominees when there's a perfectly good me here to do it instead? The answer is no. Having journalists choose nominees for acting awards is like having me perform surgery. Sure I've seen ER and Grey's Anatomy but I'm not going to scrub into an appendectomy. Except for that one time. In Thailand. Look let's not talk about it.

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Some notes:

• Get Out is nominated for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy. Let's be very clear about something: Get Out is not a comedy and anyone who thinks it is did not watch Get Out.
• FIVE MEN NOMINATED FOR BEST DIRECTOR, ARE WE KIDDING. In a year that brought us Patty Jenkins' box office record breaker "Wonder Woman" and Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Dee Rees' "Mudbound." Absolutely ridiculous and I want to burn this place down.
• The whole Best Actor in a Comedy category has been rendered moot because Hugh Jackman is nominated for "The Greatest Showman," which also features Zac Efron. Sorry but there's no way in hell a Zefron movie garners nominations for anyone. And y'all know I love my baby Zef, but boy is a horrible actor and I find it hard to accept a movie is able to overcome that. Also, Ansel Elgort is nominated for "Baby Driver," and anyway what is going on is this the Teen Choice Awards.
• The category I'm most interested in is Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. Laurie Metcalf as the mom in "Lady Bird"; Allison Janney as the mom in "I, Tonya"; Mary J. Blige as the mom in "Mudbound." This is 100% the race to watch. All of them are mind-blowingly amazing in their roles and choosing a winner is like deciding if you want curly fries or waffle fries with your burger. IMPOSSIBLE DECISION.
• On the TV side, all I want to note is Julie Louis-Dreyfus has never won a GG for "Veep." Meanwhile, she's won an Emmy EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR because she deserves it and honestly how are the Globes even still in business with this massive oversight.

Alas, the SAG Awards never let me down

These nominations generally make sense and this is because they're chosen by fellow actors. Also the SAG Awards often reflect who will win at the Oscars closer than the Golden Globes because the voting members for the SAGs are usually also Oscar voting members. Did that all make sense?

Anyway, I love the SAG Awards (and not just because the show ALWAYS sticks to its 2-hour running time).

Some notes:

• They nailed it with Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture nominees: The Big Sick, Mudbound, Lady Bird, Get Out,  and Three Billboards. Hoping Mudbound gets this one because every one of the cast members in this film stands out.
• Um yes, any category where an actor from Big Little Lies is nominated must win. And in the Female Actor in a Miniseries category, which pits Reese Witherspoon vs. Nicole Kidman vs. Laura Dern, it's gotta be Nicole Kidman. Y'ALL SHE WENT THROUGH SO MUCH IN THAT SEASON INCLUDING HAVING REALLY UNFORTUNATE BANGS.
• Female Actor in a Drama Series has to go to Elisabeth Moss for The Handmaid's Tale. Mossy's acting is so supreme I'm certain she could convince me that butter is fat free and french fries clear up acne.

Question of the week: HOW COULD DISNEY CHOOSE ANYONE OVER ME TO PLAY AS MULAN?

In a shocking turn of events, Disney has decided to cast Liu Yifei (or Crystal Liu) as Mulan in the live-action remake due out in 2019. That's right. They've cast an actual Chinese actress over me even though I had already set my out-of-office email response to "I'm out of the office indefinitely filming the live-action remake of Mulan." I THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.

I think I can more thoroughly provide basis for my outrage through photos. Here's cartoon Mulan:

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And here is who Disney actually cast, actress Crystal Liu:

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And here is me in some recent fall photos I had taken:

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CAN YOU BELIEVE I WASN'T CHOSEN?

Anyway, I'll be channeling my anger into rage eating over the holidays to put on my winter weight for survival and all. See you all soon! Awards show season and (dear God) the newest season of The Bachelor are just around the corner!

What did we learn from the 2016 Oscars?

MY COMPLAINING FINALLY WORKED. During E!'s pre-show coverage, Giuliana was banished (that might be a dramatic choice of word) from the red carpet, having to report from the Roosevelt Hotel across the street. While we were still subjected to Seacrest, it was 50% less terrible. Kind of like taking half a shot of acid as opposed to a full shot.

So Seacrest. He refused to interview Sacha Baron Cohen, as our dear Ryan has been holding a grudge since Sacha, who while in character as The Dictator years ago, poured ashes over our tiny bumblebee. Nonetheless, he still went over to Seacrest, giving us this moment:

Look how uncomfortable Lady Seacrest is. Discomfort or Botox, who knows. I imagine his inner-voice sounds something like Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless," and at this moment was screeching "HOW DARE YOU, AS IF."

Addressing some of the dresses:

Saoirse Ronan has boobs you guys. She wants us to know. Not gonna lie, I loved this gown color and her whole make-up and hair situation. Probably the most grown up she's looked, which is a good thing because I find it hard to not see her as the shitty little girl in "Atonement" (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT JAMES MCAVOY AND KEIRA KNIGHTLEY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER? I WILL NEVER FORGET).

Keeping with the green theme, let's bask in the aura of Rachel McAdams.  Based on how frumpy she was in "True Detective" and "Spotlight," you might have forgotten that Rachel is more smokin' than a pork roast at a country picnic. And I love a good pork roast. Normally, I'm not a fan of the slicked back hair look (unless you're J.Law), but she is absolutely pulling this off. Totally dig the mono-leg situation because you essentially only have to shave one of your legs. For all we know, Rachel has a Bigfoot-hairy leg. Movie stars do not have time to shave both legs.

While I loved J.Law's actual Oscars dress, I preferred her dress for the Vanity Fair after party. This is what we call the "OH-DAMN-GIRL" dress. "OH DAMN GIRL, DAT LEG DOE." The dress' cut, the mono-leg allowing for a hidden hairy leg, the shoes, the hair. And I know, it seems like I just love everything J.Law wears, but, that's only because I do. J.Law is like ketchup. She just goes great with everything. I also enjoy the midriff situation because I feel like it's comfortable to air out your belly during such a long night. They had In-n-Out burgers inside the event and I'd like to imagine J.Law ate one then rubbed her bare belly afterward. My friends are hilarious and relatable.

I'm now realizing that my two favorite Oscars dresses are green and my two favorite after party dress are black. Which must mean that my fashion taste is right being that I agree with myself. In a way, Swifty's dress takes notes from all three of the dresses above. She also wants us to know she has boobs (which, congrats!). But she isn't solely emphasizing the mono-leg, meaning she had to actually shave both legs (rookie mistake). Love the color and the cut of this though. But, I bet once she got inside, sitting down was so uncomfortable. You know how when you wear a dress with a slit, you're just in a constant struggle between a thigh cramp and actually exposing your uterus. Though, to be fair, she's Taylor Swift. She has people who can sit for her. Duh.

Notes from the show. You've already read everywhere that Leo won. Kate cried. Gaga was robbed. Sam Smith wasn't quite as good now that he's Skinny Sam. And Mad Max won mad awards (I'm hilarious). Here's some other gems:

My twin, Priyanka Chopra, continues her reign.

Only Priyanka can wear a low ponytail with a middle part and look like a glamazon. The rest of us look like we're just getting out of our Joey boat on Dawson's Creek. I can't even imagine sitting near her at a show, mostly because I'm afraid I would creep the shit out of her (I've learned that continually staring at someone without blinking is deemed "strange"). I feel like she is someone who just moves through life in slow motion, hair swishing about, with a face that has never had a zit or imperfection before. 

Alicia Vikander + Fassbender = CANNOT COMPUTE, BEAUTY OVERLOAD

Do you think they met one day and thought "Oh wow, you're ridiculously good looking, and I'm ridiculously good looking, we should be outrageously good looking together." That's exactly how I imagine their first date went. In a room full of mirrors so they could soak in their own beauty. They're like the couple that comes in the stock photo of an overpriced picture frame from Crate & Barrel. I bet they only do sophisticated things together. Like go to the foreign cinema before eating at a French restaurant. They probably don't wear a t-shirt from high school with sweatpants while eating mac & cheese from a family-sized cooking dish and watching Teen Mom. 

Men are assholes. All hail the Beaven.

So Jenny Beaven won Best Costume Design for Mad Max and while going to the stage, passed by all these sour-faced, old men. Worst of all is Alejandro González Iñárritu with his toddler "I WANT COOKIES" crossed arms and smug look. Are you actually kidding me. Sure, maybe they don't know who she is. But when someone wins one of the biggest awards of their life and they walk by you, YOU MOTHER FRACKING CLAP. Bottom line here: Beaven is a queen and these men are selfish, arrogant assholes who deserve to be throat punched.

Lezbehonest with ourselves about Cate Blanchett.

Let's all stop pretending like we'd turn down an opportunity to have an affair with Cate Blanchett. Seriously. I still haven't seen "Carol," but I find the premise extremely believable purely based on Cate's face. To be completely honest, I waiver between being entranced by her face and being scared shitless that she may murder me. And I like to toe that line. Okay also, please take note of Jennifer Garner in the background. Getting rid of that terrible rash, Ben Affleck, really did wonders for her skin and overall glow.

Operation Entrap Tom Hardy is underway.

It was very difficult to track down a photo where Tom Hardy was not posing with this woman. It's almost like he brought her as his date and calls her his "wife." Almost. Right so Tom is smart. He caught wind of my plan to entrap him with a baby and in response, wore sunglasses. As, I'm sure you are aware, he has the ability to impregnate with simply a look. I've been trying to make eye contact with him for years. 

Brie went 3-for-3.

Golden Globe. SAG. Oscar. Check, check, check. No surprise and also I would've burned this place down had she not won. It's hard to believe Brie started out on Disney, including this amazing music video. Anyway, this was just one of the many presh Briemories of the night. I'm really hoping she uses her newfound level of fame for something good -- like creation of her own cheese brand (Brie's Brie, duh). Or record label (R&Brie Records). Or coastal restaurant (Sea-Brie's).

Final notes: Great dresses. Long show. More awkward moments than me in middle school. Obligatory CT gif to close out the night.