What did we learn from the 2018 Golden Globes?

This post is brought to you by Amy Poehler, who we did not get nearly enough of during the show. We forever cherish the renowned and historic Golden Globes of 2013-2015 that Tina Fey and Amy gave us.

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So, like a child touching a hot stove repeatedly and never learning her lesson, I watched E!'s 3,000 hours of Red Carpet coverage that literally began last December, hosted by some randos I don't know and Kristin Cavallari. I have to be honest with you, Kristin is not the worst thing on the planet. Okay, you caught me, I love her? While Rancic's voice is more grating than parmesan cheese, I can connect with K. Cavvy (I just made that up, you're welcome) and she gave us emotional moments like this on The Hills:

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Anyway, I was enjoying the preheat to this oven before everything exploded during the actual fail carpet with Rancic and Seacrest. If you didn't hear, E! correspondent Catt Sadler recently quit the network after finding out lil' Jason Kennedy was making TWICE her salary. This was despite the fact they started at the same time and honestly had the same levels of fame and did the same amount of coverage. She asked for a raise and E! denied her. You can read more about this on her blog.

I was of course waiting for at least one star to bring this up and pour the hot tea on E!'s ignorance. And Debra Messing delivered! During the first interview! I'll let you watch below (clip also includes Eva Longoria showing her support while Seacrusty looks on):

Okay we have to move on because I'm worried Rancic's self-tanner is going to seep through the screen and I honestly just scrubbed all of it off from the last time I watched her on a red carpet.

Before we jump into the fashion: In case you've avoided all social media and TV and radio and magazines and any humans talking about anything, practically everyone in attendance wore black in support of the #TimesUp movement (which you can read more about here). Also, eight actresses brought activists as their dates, you can check out Refinery29's gallery here. 

Best dressed:

To be honest, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Emilia Clarke's bleached hair but I am all about this look. The boob-peek (that's the official fashion lingo for this cut) complemented by the straight blonde hair and elegant make-up PLUS look at the face she is serving. It reminds me of the look I give to the buffet boy when he refills the fried chicken at Golden Corral. I'M COMING FOR IT.

Issa Rae is becoming one of my absolute faves on the carpet. She is stunning and I am here for this gown that let's her do the Angelina Jolie mono-leg pose. Oh, you thought this was just a plain dress? SURPRISE THERE'S A GIANT RIP THAT MY LEG CAN POKE THROUGH. Those are the best dresses, tbh. Both sexy and also breezy.

I'm realizing that I don't think I scream about my obsession with Jessica Chastain enough. I have loved her since The Help and she's pretty consistent in being the Ginger Gorgina at every event. I dig the old Hollywood vibes she's giving with this look and she is someone that I feel would be insane to see in real life. And by "insane" I mean you would just stare at her, trying to see through to her DNA to confirm she is the same species as you. Like, is she just the more evolved version of the type of woman I am? She is Charizard and I am just a basic ass Charmander? (YES THAT'S A POKEMON REFERENCE, I AM COOL)

Okay I know I am the only one on the planet who is picking Alicia Vikander as best dressed but what can I say, I'm a loyal ass friend. I know she looks like a cross between a Civil War widow and a witch on the Oregon Trail, but let's overlook that. Her face! And make-up! How she can pull off a middle part! She is one of the only women on the planet beautiful enough to wear a turtle neck grandma dress that is about as fashionable and sexy as a roast beef sandwich and still look amazing.

To the show!

Big Little Lies, you guys

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The show won in every category it was nominated: Best Miniseries or TV Film, Nicole Kidman for Best Actress, Laura Dern for Best Supporting Actress and Alexander Skarsgard for Best Supporting Actor. Which, look, it's important to note that based on how much I still fucking hate Perry (Alexander Skarskgard's character), he more than deserved the award. And I'm not going to caps lock assault you again about how amazing Nicole is in the series, rather, I want to caps lock assault you about how amazing Laura Dern is. 

Lizzy D (what she asks I call her) is stunning, and not just for a 50-year-old, like across all women. She fully immerses herself in every character she plays and for the most part I want to know what expensive ass water or weird-mushroom-Kombucha-yoga shake she's drinking because I need it. She, like Nikki Kidman, gave an inspirational and moving speech.

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BREAKING: My love for Zefron has been rekindled

I know I previously expressed satisfaction over our breakup because of his general lack of acting abilities, but per his face and also body in this black suit, I have changed my mind. KRAC IS BACK (KMac + Zac, duh). I think God invented stubble specifically to be sported by Zefron. And good lord, his crystal blue eyes. Okay and don't come at me, I know he's like 5'8"and petite, but he's so beefy too! He's like my little filet mignon. Small but satisfyingly beefy.

The only thing I've told him to improve upon is to stop doing this pose:

He does this dumb shit on every red carpet. First off, if being a teenager taught us anything it's well, don't eat salad when you have braces because that shit will be in every metal crevice. But it also taught us that you shouldn't touch your face. It just spreads oil and creates monster zits. I just don't get it. Is he wiping away drool? I know I look good eating a buttery grilled cheese in these new cropped sweatpants and all but damn, calm down.

Sterling K. Brown got the award he deserved last year

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And obviously said what anyone would say if faced with a front row Oprah. Um, remember how Sterling K. Brown didn't win the Globe last year for his role in The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story? I'm assuming this award doubles for that as well as his current role as "man who makes me cry every week on This Is Us." Honestly. Every week. How does he do it? He is also the first black actor to win the category and if my Justin Timberlake Cry Me a River tears are any sign, he'll win a lot more.

Who knew Leslie Bibb was married to Sam Rockwell?

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First off, all I remember Sam Rockwell from is the Charlie's Angels movie with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore. Remember, he's the genius who fakes his kidnapping (bc he's actually the bad guy) then they rescue him and then he acts all charming by telling Drew that he doesn't know how to make Shake-n-Bake and blah blah they sleep together. It's such a complex movie. So he won Best Supporting Actor in a Film for Three Billboards and who even knew he was married to Brooke McQueen from Popular? If you didn't watch Popular, it was a short-lived teen drama on The WB about white people having drama while wearing pastels. Anyway, I'm glad to see her career has really skyrocketed.

A Hermione and Cedric reunion!

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I'm not a Harry Potter fan (sorry to disappoint), but oddly enough, I've seen Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire like 450 times. Mostly because it happens to be the movie that I always seems to catch on TV and also because I paid to see it in theaters. I don't even remember why I paid to see it, I think it had to do with the promise of an XXXXL popcorn. It was also meant to be because Rob Pattinson is in it (but dies, wtf) and we all knew I was destined to be obsessed with Twilight. Anyway, my little British heart (part of my heart is quite literally made up of mushy peas) loved this Emma + Rob pairing. Even though I now know Rob is weird and probably does shit like watch you sleep or stare at you through bushes, it's nice to reminisce.

I really need to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Rachel Brosnahan won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and the show won Best Comedy Series, which I mean, you really can't go wrong with an Amy Sherman-Palladino show. And she used her speech to ask about cheese which I am always onboard for. And as the Globes failed to ever nominate Gilmore Girls and only nominated Lauren Graham once (A TRAGEDY), I assume this is their way of making amends. After I watch Mrs. Maisel, I shall decide if this is enough.

Allison Janney is the expert at playing the mom
She was the mom in Juno. The mom in Hairspray. The mom'ish starfish in Finding Nemo. The mom in the show Mom. And of course, the crazy ass mom in I, Tonya. Which please watch immediately if you haven't already, if not to just appreciate her call back to her character with this fake bird:

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The Best Supporting Actress in a Drama might be the toughest category this awards show season. Between Allison Janney, Laurie Metcalf, Mary J. Blige and Octavia Spencer, it's like choosing between tater tots or waffle fries. Allison Janney took the Globe home, but to be honest, I would be happy to see her Mean Girls the award and break off pieces for each of the nominees.

OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH

Oprah received the Cecil B. de Mille Award and honestly I was already crying just from the montage they showed of her career before she came onstage. Then she gave a speech that was more moving than the tectonic plates beneath Pangea that separated the continents. Please just watch and join me in feeling both inspired and hopeful for the future. And by "future" I mean when Oprah runs for president.

And while it was frustrating for every single male winner to not address wage disparity or inequality or sexism in the industry, I kept replaying Oprah's speech for sanity and like I said, inspiration.

And here is just one woman Oprah is considering for vice president:

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YOOO DAT NATTY P. DOE. Coming through with the WELL DESERVED shade of the evening. Also look how Richie Cunningham giggles. Once again, five humans who are not capable of birthing children were nominated for Best Director. And look, almost every year it's horrendous that women aren't nominated, but this year proved to be especially horrendous because SO many deserving women directed amazing films. Dee Rees for Mudbound. Patty Jenkins for Wonder Woman. Greta Gerwig for Lady Bird. The Golden Globes quite literally had to go out of their way to avoid nominating a woman. Here were the dumb looks 4 of the 5 men had (Guillermo del Toro, who won, had a similar face, so you're not missing anything):

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If you haven't gotten the gist, the evening belonged to the women. As most evenings should, because as I continually point out, 105% of women are better than 100% of men. And I know we had that tiny slip-up with Eve and the gross apple thing, but like Hannah Montana says, everybody makes mistakes!

I'd like to end this post by providing recorded footage of my reaction to Lady Bird winning Best Musical or Comedy:

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I know. I look like Beyonce, I get that a lot.

See you all later this week for the Critics Choice Awards!

The K-Mac Stack - 12/17/2017

I finally listened to Swifty's "Reputation"
Look, I'm not ashamed to admit 1989 was a hot ass album. I love every song on it, even though my heart and brain and organs tell me that Taylor Swift is a snake and would Regina George me in a second. I of course took the time to listen to her latest album, once it was made available on Spotify because the only music I will outright buy is the Danity Kane reunion album.

A quick summary of how every song goes on this album:

• Dramatic talking. 
• A build up with either whisper singing or repeating the same words over and over. 
• Loud actual singing. 

Anyway, not a fan of this album or her whole "IDGAF what you say about me except I really do because I made an entire album about it but I'm badass now but not badass enough to be able to take any sort of criticism but like you guys remember how Kanye wronged me I don't want to talk about it but I will talk about it this entire album" aura she's putting off.

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To be honest, this is the most banging playlist of the year
So one day, I was casually browsing my Spotify when I was presented with this playlist. I scrolled through it thinking "Hot damn this is banging" before realizing this is in fact my own "Top Songs of 2017" playlist based off the top 100 songs I listened to this year (and no it's not just Bodak Yellow and Work From Home on repeat thank you very much). What can I say, I'm really good at knowing what I want to hear.

Anyway, if you're looking for some tunes to blast in your car, on the subway, at the gym, at your wedding, when your friend is in labor, etc. THIS IS IT!

Also, I have to let the masses know that "Work From Home" was one of my top 5 played songs of the year FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. I plan to continue this tradition until I die at which time it will be played at my funeral.

I guess this is how I'll learn Korean and Spanish
Sticking to this music theme, my two favorite songs of the moment are not in English because I am a citizen of the world and so global (and not just because I bought those "Jams of the World" that one time from World Market).

You've heard me mention them before because they've recently blown up in the US, but BTS is this precious K-Pop group. They're like the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC (haha I had to Google where the asterisk went) if either of those groups could actually hip-hop dance and sing at the same time. I'm down with their 90s'ish wardrobe and the bucket hats and GOOD LORD LOOK AT THEIR HAIR. So shiny and luxurious unlike that ramen noodle hair situation Justin Timberlake had going on. Anyway, cash me in AP Korean class how bou' dah.

Look, I don't speak Spanish, but I've been listening to this song on repeat so check in with me next week when I'm fluent. Based on the video, this song is about bamboozling money from dudes at the casino downtown while wearing bomb ass clothes? Can someone please confirm for me. Also, I'm not a Brazilian woman (did you guys know that), but if I was, I think it'd be great to be Anitta. She is actually a flawless human being. And little known tidbit -- I have this unexplainable attraction to J Balvin. He seems, smooth? Like he would have game. And not like Monopoly.

Where has actress Mary J. Blige been our whole lives
I know all of you either have a Netflix account or you have the password to your ex-boyfriend's mom's co-worker's daughters account, so I need for you to watch Mudbound as soon as possible. The story is based around a white sharecropper family and black sharecropper family, both of whom have a family member return home after WWII. Mary J. Blige plays the mother of one family and she is utterly amazing. She completely dissolves into the role that you forget it's even Mary J. Blige, which is quite the feat. Anyway, yes I cried at some point and I feel this image below correctly summarizes sentiment if she isn't recognized this awards show season:

Lady Bird lives up to the hype
After seeing it was the highest rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes with the most 100% ratings, I was still a little uncertain. But y'all, that movie lives up to the hype and more. Saoirse Ronan stars as Lady Bird and as a note, she is the only actress I've ever forgiven for her film transgressions (REMEMBER HOW IT WAS HER FAULT THAT KEIRA KNIGHTLEY AND JAMES MCAVOY DIDN'T END UP TOGETHER IN ATONEMENT. I WAS VERY AFFECTED).

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Coming-of-age movies too often come off as...fake? Almost as if filmmakers watch episodes of "Dawson's Creek" and decide that is how most teens experience life except you can't relate because you can't row a boat across a creek because it gives your hand calluses. A lot of these movies are over dramatic in portraying the way-way highs and way-way lows of growing up, but Lady Bird doesn't fall into this trap. It feels genuine and there's at least one thing in one of the characters you can relate to. And the early 2000s soundtrack doesn't hurt.


Let's talk about Golden Globe nominations
While I enjoy the Golden Globes, I sometimes find the nominations to be...off. This is obviously because nominees are chosen by about 90 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  It's all very confusing because is a small group of journalists really qualified to choose nominees when there's a perfectly good me here to do it instead? The answer is no. Having journalists choose nominees for acting awards is like having me perform surgery. Sure I've seen ER and Grey's Anatomy but I'm not going to scrub into an appendectomy. Except for that one time. In Thailand. Look let's not talk about it.

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Some notes:

• Get Out is nominated for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy. Let's be very clear about something: Get Out is not a comedy and anyone who thinks it is did not watch Get Out.
• FIVE MEN NOMINATED FOR BEST DIRECTOR, ARE WE KIDDING. In a year that brought us Patty Jenkins' box office record breaker "Wonder Woman" and Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Dee Rees' "Mudbound." Absolutely ridiculous and I want to burn this place down.
• The whole Best Actor in a Comedy category has been rendered moot because Hugh Jackman is nominated for "The Greatest Showman," which also features Zac Efron. Sorry but there's no way in hell a Zefron movie garners nominations for anyone. And y'all know I love my baby Zef, but boy is a horrible actor and I find it hard to accept a movie is able to overcome that. Also, Ansel Elgort is nominated for "Baby Driver," and anyway what is going on is this the Teen Choice Awards.
• The category I'm most interested in is Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. Laurie Metcalf as the mom in "Lady Bird"; Allison Janney as the mom in "I, Tonya"; Mary J. Blige as the mom in "Mudbound." This is 100% the race to watch. All of them are mind-blowingly amazing in their roles and choosing a winner is like deciding if you want curly fries or waffle fries with your burger. IMPOSSIBLE DECISION.
• On the TV side, all I want to note is Julie Louis-Dreyfus has never won a GG for "Veep." Meanwhile, she's won an Emmy EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR because she deserves it and honestly how are the Globes even still in business with this massive oversight.

Alas, the SAG Awards never let me down

These nominations generally make sense and this is because they're chosen by fellow actors. Also the SAG Awards often reflect who will win at the Oscars closer than the Golden Globes because the voting members for the SAGs are usually also Oscar voting members. Did that all make sense?

Anyway, I love the SAG Awards (and not just because the show ALWAYS sticks to its 2-hour running time).

Some notes:

• They nailed it with Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture nominees: The Big Sick, Mudbound, Lady Bird, Get Out,  and Three Billboards. Hoping Mudbound gets this one because every one of the cast members in this film stands out.
• Um yes, any category where an actor from Big Little Lies is nominated must win. And in the Female Actor in a Miniseries category, which pits Reese Witherspoon vs. Nicole Kidman vs. Laura Dern, it's gotta be Nicole Kidman. Y'ALL SHE WENT THROUGH SO MUCH IN THAT SEASON INCLUDING HAVING REALLY UNFORTUNATE BANGS.
• Female Actor in a Drama Series has to go to Elisabeth Moss for The Handmaid's Tale. Mossy's acting is so supreme I'm certain she could convince me that butter is fat free and french fries clear up acne.

Question of the week: HOW COULD DISNEY CHOOSE ANYONE OVER ME TO PLAY AS MULAN?

In a shocking turn of events, Disney has decided to cast Liu Yifei (or Crystal Liu) as Mulan in the live-action remake due out in 2019. That's right. They've cast an actual Chinese actress over me even though I had already set my out-of-office email response to "I'm out of the office indefinitely filming the live-action remake of Mulan." I THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.

I think I can more thoroughly provide basis for my outrage through photos. Here's cartoon Mulan:

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And here is who Disney actually cast, actress Crystal Liu:

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And here is me in some recent fall photos I had taken:

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CAN YOU BELIEVE I WASN'T CHOSEN?

Anyway, I'll be channeling my anger into rage eating over the holidays to put on my winter weight for survival and all. See you all soon! Awards show season and (dear God) the newest season of The Bachelor are just around the corner!