What did we learn from the 2018 Oscars?

For comparison, I could have watched both VHS tapes of Titanic, rewound them, and watched again in the time it took this year's Oscars to finish. So now that I've aged and am full of wisdom, let's chat.

Oh E! honey, please have a seat
For the most part, major stars (ahem, the ladies) avoided chatting with Seacrusty, but I was still curious to see if someone would call him out about the sexual harassment allegations against him by a former stylist. And lo and behold, Cookie Lyon delivered:

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Take off your sunglasses and put on a sweater, because there is plenty of shade here. I was screaming. And okay, sure she was talking about introducing Mary J. Blige later on in the night, but y'all. The way she touched his chin while saying, "You know what I mean?" Plus, when she moved on to the reporter next to Seacrest and was asked how she was doing, she replied "Great, now that I'm in your company." TARAJI P. HENSON FOR PRESIDENT.

Aside from Taraji, a few notable people stopped by, including Tiffany Haddish and Allison Janney, but for the most part, Seacrappy mostly got the white dudes. SHOCKING. As this ship continued to sink, the last hour of E!'s red carpet was literally just Rancic and Brad Goreski commenting on photos of dresses alongside former Teen Vogue Editor-in-Chief Elaine Welteroth.

First off, shoutout to Rancic for piecing together bits of cotton candy to create this dress. How is it not dissolving! Amazing! Secondly, how did Elaine not lose her shit being around this insane level of idiocy? A quick summary on her: When she took over as editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue last year, she became the youngest and the second person of color EVER to head a Conde Nast publication. At 29. TWENTY NINE YEARS OLD. She left the magazine last month and I guess this is her way of decompressing. Anyway, she looked phenomenal, which is a great segue into...

Best dressed
While my usuals — Emma Stone, Laura Dern, Margot Robbie — looked amazing, no one topped Jennifer of House Garner:

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SYDNEY BRISTOW DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU HOES. I was and am still screaming about this. It's amazing what shedding 225 lbs of Affleck will do for your skin and body and overall aura. This blue gown complete with a cape and the simple elegant wavy hair and that smokey eye! It's physically exhausting to not use all caps here. I've been a fan of hers since Alias and yes, even Daredevil (MEANING I'M VERY LOYAL), so I'm glad to see that that huge Hooflack zit she carried around for so long didn't have a lasting effect.

Best Helen Mirren

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Here is our queen just casually taking a shot of tequila while walking the carpet. I'd like to think that woman next to her with her hand out is her assistant saying "Come on Helen, we took 6 shots in the limo ride over. Please don't black out like you did at the SAG Awards." H.Mirr does what she wants! Plus she knew the show was about to be 16 hours long and there's no better way to get through that than with liquid courage that enables you to flirtatiously banter with Chadwick Boseman about him being Black Panther and you being a cougar.

As a note, I'm not including all of the winners below because I assume you all do not want commentary on every single second of the marathon show. Also, in general, the Oscars are pretty boring (THERE I SAID IT) partly because it's the last show of the season so we already know who will win and Academy voters are ridiculously predictable and also because the celebs are not given booze! It's like going to a wedding that features no open bar.

Let's begin with the things I was most excited about:

Jordan Peele!

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The first black screenwriter to win Best Original Screenplay! Which, in my expert opinion is the only true writer's category because sorry bout it, but taking something that has already been published and trimming bits to create a movie is not the most creative thing (sorry Best Adapted Screenplay). This year, there were only two real contenders: Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Jordan Peele's "Get Out" because I'm not saying Guillermo Del Toro stole his film idea from a published playright, but I mean that playright's family is definitely saying that.

While I would've been happy with a Greta win, Jordan 100% deserved it. "Get Out" was THEEEEE most original film of the year. It was so carefully thought out and developed and the opposite of the bland boiled ham movies that the Oscar voters are used to. And look, "Get Out" is on HBO Go now, so you all have no reason whatsoever to not watch it because we all know you have your neighbor's ex-wife's mom's cat's password, so just do it.

Allison Janney!

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Our girl went 3-for-3 (Golden Globe, SAG, Oscar)! And this was her FIRST nomination and her FIRST time attending the Oscars. I was actually pretty shocked to learn that she hadn't been nominated before, particularly for her role as Ms. Perky in "10 Things I Hate About You" or as Juno's dog-obsessed mom.

I have to point out that Allison's category, Best Supporting Actress, was hands-down the most competitive one with THE BEST performances of the year. Honestly, the Oscars should've done away with Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor and given those two trophies to Laurie Metcalf and Octavia Spencer. And I'm not talking shit about Gary Oldman but I mean, even I could play Winston Churchill if you put 15 lbs of makeup and prosthetics on my face. And not to discount Sam Rockwell's performance except no wait, here's a 50% off tag because literally any other mushy ex-frat bro could've played him in Billboards.

Frances McDormand!
Let me caveat this by saying I loved Frances McDormand in "Three Billboards" and we all knew she would win this. I'm sure you all have read the criticisms of the film, so I'll just say that there are problematic elements to it and there's a reason the director wasn't nominated. But Frances is simply amazing in it and absolutely the reason the film has received most of its accolades. During her speech, she asked all of the female nominees in the room to stand and dear God it warmed my frozen beef patty heart:

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I caveated this because while I have enjoyed all of Frances' speeches this season and her no nonsense appeal, I was holding on to a tiny inkling of hope that Margot Robbie would swoop in with the upset. I thought she had the performance of the year, which, if you see "I, Tonya," I think you'll agree. And like I said, the women had outstanding performances this year — head and shoulders above most of the men. In such a stacked year, I'm sad Margot didn't get as much recognition for a role she so meticulously and flawlessly performed.

Back to Frances, she ended her speech by reminding people to request an inclusion rider in their contracts, which requires films to include a certain level of diversity in its cast AND crew.

Girls Trip 2!

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Every year, the Oscars tease us with a coupling who should do a movie together — one year it was Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, the next it was Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence and this year, it was Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph. They had, quite literally, the only funny bit of the night, where they assured everyone that the Oscars were still pretty white. Also, Tiffany wore that white Alexander McQueen gown again, which I am 110% here for. Looking forward to having them host everything from now on, thanks, I'm glad Hollywood always take my opinion into account.

All of my boyfriends!

I've ordered my suitors here from youngest to oldest because I have a wide range of interests (and I can't believe I have to keep reminding y'all, but Shawn Mendes is 19, LEAVE US ALONE). So Shawn and Donald Glover only attended the Vanity Fair after party, which tbh is the best part of the Oscars if not just for the pics of A-listers eating In-n-Out. Mahershala, who won Best Supporting Actor last year, presented Allison Janney with her prize while wearing what appeared to be two-button down shirts at once. Even clothes love him so much that they all want to be on him at once.

Also, my advice to anyone is to diversify your portfolio to be able to attend max award show events. If you'll notice, Shawn is in music, Donald Glover is on TV (and in music, omg he does it all) and Mahershala is in film (and also TV, omg he does it all too). It's important to have a date to the Grammys, Emmys and Oscars.

StoneLaw!
Okay, so Emma Stone wasn't nominated this year, but she did wear a pants suit and was seated next to J.Law:

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At this point, I believe J.Law might have been 2-3 white wines deep and Emma's thinking about how she will likely have to clean up vomit later. For reference on the wine, here we have a wild J.Law, pre-show, climbing over some seats without spilling a drop!

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The fact that she's doing this in a heavy ass gown and stilettos is impressive in itself, but throw in the glass of wine and it's something you add to your resume. Have you ever jumped over seats in a theater? It always seems easy in your mind until you go to stretch your leg and realize you are not as nimble as you remember and you inevitably end up awkwardly straddling the top of the seat before giving your inner thigh seat burn as you drag it to the other side. Anyway, while J.Law athletically drank, our girl Emma kept that boss ass bitch pants suit flame going when she introduced the Best Director category:

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I WAS HOLLERING. HOLLERING, Y'ALL. Apparently, some people (read: men) had an issue with Emma saying this, but I mean, it's fact. Four dudes and one Greta. Aside from Greta and Jordan Peele, I hated this category because the Academy failed to nominate Dee Rees and Patty Jenkins. Which, me hating things is a good segue into...

Things I screamed NOOOO at:

Guillermo Del Toro
Alright, so did I like "The Shape of Water"? No. But I mean, did I think that Guillermo Del Toro was a genius director who deserved to beat Greta Gerwig and Jordan Peele? ALSO NO.

Here is how I imagine Guillermo's creative process went with directing Shape of Water: "Hmm...I think this part needs more boobs" and also "This part definitely needs more boobs" and also "This part with the more boobs, there should also be sex with the fish man."

The Shape of Water, in general
Before I continue sipping on this gallon of Shape of Water haterade, I want to note that I did think the cinematography and score were lovely. Those paired with Octavia Spencer ALMOST made me like the film. ALMOST. But I just could not get over the core element of, oh you know, Sally Hawkins having sex with a fish-dinosaur man. And whatever I guess call me old-fashioned for not having the brain capacity to comprehend wanting to have sex with a creature that has gills and webbed hands and a smooth area that looks like a Ken doll. Don't get me wrong, I understood her caring about the fish-dino-man, because I mean it is a living creature. Kind of like how I love giraffes and would not like them to be hunted and killed. But do I want to have sex with giraffes? Um, no (where did you think that was going).

I assumed the Best Picture race was down to "The Shape of Water," "Three Billboards" and "Get Out." Ever the optimistic one, I thought the Academy's efforts to diversify its membership would boost "Get Out," but it seems there are still too many white men and not enough golf courses for them to retire to. And I guess Water winning was better than "The Post" or "The Darkest Hour" or "Dunkirk," all of which are piping cups of pandering tea to old Oscar voters.

Speaking of these, Christopher Nolan really should've considered featuring a scene in "Dunkirk" of Harry Styles singing a medley of One Direction hits. I bet that would've amplified the film to new levels. And "The Post" should've considered giving Meryl Streep more than 10 lines. But what do I know.

And so we concluded the night on a fishy note and I wondered where the last four hours of life went.

Final thoughts
WHERE THE HELL WERE MICHELLE WILLIAMS AND BUSY PHILIPPS?! Without them, we received no moments like this from last year's "La La Land" debacle:

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Busy Philipps actually admitted that her husband had this photo framed for her, which omg same. Luckily, Jennifer Garner was ever so generous and provided us with the most meme'd moment of the night:

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Here is a list of things I believe she could have been realizing in this moment:

- "Shit, did I leave my cell phone in the bathroom"
- "Wait, there is no way Arya and Sansa will both make it to the end of Game of Thrones"
- "Allison Williams' Get Out character ate the Froot Loops and the milk SEPARATELY"
- "Dora isn't really an explorer because she only goes into mapped territory"
- "Dogs are only a part of our life, but we are their ENTIRE life"

And that wraps up awards show season! Or well, officially. I'll be covering any and all events or gatherings or brunches with more than 2 celebs, so stay tuned.

See you all later this week as we drag ourselves to the finish line of The Bachelor!

What did we learn from the 2018 Golden Globes?

This post is brought to you by Amy Poehler, who we did not get nearly enough of during the show. We forever cherish the renowned and historic Golden Globes of 2013-2015 that Tina Fey and Amy gave us.

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So, like a child touching a hot stove repeatedly and never learning her lesson, I watched E!'s 3,000 hours of Red Carpet coverage that literally began last December, hosted by some randos I don't know and Kristin Cavallari. I have to be honest with you, Kristin is not the worst thing on the planet. Okay, you caught me, I love her? While Rancic's voice is more grating than parmesan cheese, I can connect with K. Cavvy (I just made that up, you're welcome) and she gave us emotional moments like this on The Hills:

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Anyway, I was enjoying the preheat to this oven before everything exploded during the actual fail carpet with Rancic and Seacrest. If you didn't hear, E! correspondent Catt Sadler recently quit the network after finding out lil' Jason Kennedy was making TWICE her salary. This was despite the fact they started at the same time and honestly had the same levels of fame and did the same amount of coverage. She asked for a raise and E! denied her. You can read more about this on her blog.

I was of course waiting for at least one star to bring this up and pour the hot tea on E!'s ignorance. And Debra Messing delivered! During the first interview! I'll let you watch below (clip also includes Eva Longoria showing her support while Seacrusty looks on):

Okay we have to move on because I'm worried Rancic's self-tanner is going to seep through the screen and I honestly just scrubbed all of it off from the last time I watched her on a red carpet.

Before we jump into the fashion: In case you've avoided all social media and TV and radio and magazines and any humans talking about anything, practically everyone in attendance wore black in support of the #TimesUp movement (which you can read more about here). Also, eight actresses brought activists as their dates, you can check out Refinery29's gallery here. 

Best dressed:

To be honest, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Emilia Clarke's bleached hair but I am all about this look. The boob-peek (that's the official fashion lingo for this cut) complemented by the straight blonde hair and elegant make-up PLUS look at the face she is serving. It reminds me of the look I give to the buffet boy when he refills the fried chicken at Golden Corral. I'M COMING FOR IT.

Issa Rae is becoming one of my absolute faves on the carpet. She is stunning and I am here for this gown that let's her do the Angelina Jolie mono-leg pose. Oh, you thought this was just a plain dress? SURPRISE THERE'S A GIANT RIP THAT MY LEG CAN POKE THROUGH. Those are the best dresses, tbh. Both sexy and also breezy.

I'm realizing that I don't think I scream about my obsession with Jessica Chastain enough. I have loved her since The Help and she's pretty consistent in being the Ginger Gorgina at every event. I dig the old Hollywood vibes she's giving with this look and she is someone that I feel would be insane to see in real life. And by "insane" I mean you would just stare at her, trying to see through to her DNA to confirm she is the same species as you. Like, is she just the more evolved version of the type of woman I am? She is Charizard and I am just a basic ass Charmander? (YES THAT'S A POKEMON REFERENCE, I AM COOL)

Okay I know I am the only one on the planet who is picking Alicia Vikander as best dressed but what can I say, I'm a loyal ass friend. I know she looks like a cross between a Civil War widow and a witch on the Oregon Trail, but let's overlook that. Her face! And make-up! How she can pull off a middle part! She is one of the only women on the planet beautiful enough to wear a turtle neck grandma dress that is about as fashionable and sexy as a roast beef sandwich and still look amazing.

To the show!

Big Little Lies, you guys

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The show won in every category it was nominated: Best Miniseries or TV Film, Nicole Kidman for Best Actress, Laura Dern for Best Supporting Actress and Alexander Skarsgard for Best Supporting Actor. Which, look, it's important to note that based on how much I still fucking hate Perry (Alexander Skarskgard's character), he more than deserved the award. And I'm not going to caps lock assault you again about how amazing Nicole is in the series, rather, I want to caps lock assault you about how amazing Laura Dern is. 

Lizzy D (what she asks I call her) is stunning, and not just for a 50-year-old, like across all women. She fully immerses herself in every character she plays and for the most part I want to know what expensive ass water or weird-mushroom-Kombucha-yoga shake she's drinking because I need it. She, like Nikki Kidman, gave an inspirational and moving speech.

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BREAKING: My love for Zefron has been rekindled

I know I previously expressed satisfaction over our breakup because of his general lack of acting abilities, but per his face and also body in this black suit, I have changed my mind. KRAC IS BACK (KMac + Zac, duh). I think God invented stubble specifically to be sported by Zefron. And good lord, his crystal blue eyes. Okay and don't come at me, I know he's like 5'8"and petite, but he's so beefy too! He's like my little filet mignon. Small but satisfyingly beefy.

The only thing I've told him to improve upon is to stop doing this pose:

He does this dumb shit on every red carpet. First off, if being a teenager taught us anything it's well, don't eat salad when you have braces because that shit will be in every metal crevice. But it also taught us that you shouldn't touch your face. It just spreads oil and creates monster zits. I just don't get it. Is he wiping away drool? I know I look good eating a buttery grilled cheese in these new cropped sweatpants and all but damn, calm down.

Sterling K. Brown got the award he deserved last year

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And obviously said what anyone would say if faced with a front row Oprah. Um, remember how Sterling K. Brown didn't win the Globe last year for his role in The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story? I'm assuming this award doubles for that as well as his current role as "man who makes me cry every week on This Is Us." Honestly. Every week. How does he do it? He is also the first black actor to win the category and if my Justin Timberlake Cry Me a River tears are any sign, he'll win a lot more.

Who knew Leslie Bibb was married to Sam Rockwell?

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First off, all I remember Sam Rockwell from is the Charlie's Angels movie with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore. Remember, he's the genius who fakes his kidnapping (bc he's actually the bad guy) then they rescue him and then he acts all charming by telling Drew that he doesn't know how to make Shake-n-Bake and blah blah they sleep together. It's such a complex movie. So he won Best Supporting Actor in a Film for Three Billboards and who even knew he was married to Brooke McQueen from Popular? If you didn't watch Popular, it was a short-lived teen drama on The WB about white people having drama while wearing pastels. Anyway, I'm glad to see her career has really skyrocketed.

A Hermione and Cedric reunion!

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I'm not a Harry Potter fan (sorry to disappoint), but oddly enough, I've seen Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire like 450 times. Mostly because it happens to be the movie that I always seems to catch on TV and also because I paid to see it in theaters. I don't even remember why I paid to see it, I think it had to do with the promise of an XXXXL popcorn. It was also meant to be because Rob Pattinson is in it (but dies, wtf) and we all knew I was destined to be obsessed with Twilight. Anyway, my little British heart (part of my heart is quite literally made up of mushy peas) loved this Emma + Rob pairing. Even though I now know Rob is weird and probably does shit like watch you sleep or stare at you through bushes, it's nice to reminisce.

I really need to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Rachel Brosnahan won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and the show won Best Comedy Series, which I mean, you really can't go wrong with an Amy Sherman-Palladino show. And she used her speech to ask about cheese which I am always onboard for. And as the Globes failed to ever nominate Gilmore Girls and only nominated Lauren Graham once (A TRAGEDY), I assume this is their way of making amends. After I watch Mrs. Maisel, I shall decide if this is enough.

Allison Janney is the expert at playing the mom
She was the mom in Juno. The mom in Hairspray. The mom'ish starfish in Finding Nemo. The mom in the show Mom. And of course, the crazy ass mom in I, Tonya. Which please watch immediately if you haven't already, if not to just appreciate her call back to her character with this fake bird:

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The Best Supporting Actress in a Drama might be the toughest category this awards show season. Between Allison Janney, Laurie Metcalf, Mary J. Blige and Octavia Spencer, it's like choosing between tater tots or waffle fries. Allison Janney took the Globe home, but to be honest, I would be happy to see her Mean Girls the award and break off pieces for each of the nominees.

OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH

Oprah received the Cecil B. de Mille Award and honestly I was already crying just from the montage they showed of her career before she came onstage. Then she gave a speech that was more moving than the tectonic plates beneath Pangea that separated the continents. Please just watch and join me in feeling both inspired and hopeful for the future. And by "future" I mean when Oprah runs for president.

And while it was frustrating for every single male winner to not address wage disparity or inequality or sexism in the industry, I kept replaying Oprah's speech for sanity and like I said, inspiration.

And here is just one woman Oprah is considering for vice president:

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YOOO DAT NATTY P. DOE. Coming through with the WELL DESERVED shade of the evening. Also look how Richie Cunningham giggles. Once again, five humans who are not capable of birthing children were nominated for Best Director. And look, almost every year it's horrendous that women aren't nominated, but this year proved to be especially horrendous because SO many deserving women directed amazing films. Dee Rees for Mudbound. Patty Jenkins for Wonder Woman. Greta Gerwig for Lady Bird. The Golden Globes quite literally had to go out of their way to avoid nominating a woman. Here were the dumb looks 4 of the 5 men had (Guillermo del Toro, who won, had a similar face, so you're not missing anything):

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If you haven't gotten the gist, the evening belonged to the women. As most evenings should, because as I continually point out, 105% of women are better than 100% of men. And I know we had that tiny slip-up with Eve and the gross apple thing, but like Hannah Montana says, everybody makes mistakes!

I'd like to end this post by providing recorded footage of my reaction to Lady Bird winning Best Musical or Comedy:

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I know. I look like Beyonce, I get that a lot.

See you all later this week for the Critics Choice Awards!