What did we learn from the 2018 Oscars?

For comparison, I could have watched both VHS tapes of Titanic, rewound them, and watched again in the time it took this year's Oscars to finish. So now that I've aged and am full of wisdom, let's chat.

Oh E! honey, please have a seat
For the most part, major stars (ahem, the ladies) avoided chatting with Seacrusty, but I was still curious to see if someone would call him out about the sexual harassment allegations against him by a former stylist. And lo and behold, Cookie Lyon delivered:

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Take off your sunglasses and put on a sweater, because there is plenty of shade here. I was screaming. And okay, sure she was talking about introducing Mary J. Blige later on in the night, but y'all. The way she touched his chin while saying, "You know what I mean?" Plus, when she moved on to the reporter next to Seacrest and was asked how she was doing, she replied "Great, now that I'm in your company." TARAJI P. HENSON FOR PRESIDENT.

Aside from Taraji, a few notable people stopped by, including Tiffany Haddish and Allison Janney, but for the most part, Seacrappy mostly got the white dudes. SHOCKING. As this ship continued to sink, the last hour of E!'s red carpet was literally just Rancic and Brad Goreski commenting on photos of dresses alongside former Teen Vogue Editor-in-Chief Elaine Welteroth.

First off, shoutout to Rancic for piecing together bits of cotton candy to create this dress. How is it not dissolving! Amazing! Secondly, how did Elaine not lose her shit being around this insane level of idiocy? A quick summary on her: When she took over as editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue last year, she became the youngest and the second person of color EVER to head a Conde Nast publication. At 29. TWENTY NINE YEARS OLD. She left the magazine last month and I guess this is her way of decompressing. Anyway, she looked phenomenal, which is a great segue into...

Best dressed
While my usuals — Emma Stone, Laura Dern, Margot Robbie — looked amazing, no one topped Jennifer of House Garner:

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SYDNEY BRISTOW DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH YOU HOES. I was and am still screaming about this. It's amazing what shedding 225 lbs of Affleck will do for your skin and body and overall aura. This blue gown complete with a cape and the simple elegant wavy hair and that smokey eye! It's physically exhausting to not use all caps here. I've been a fan of hers since Alias and yes, even Daredevil (MEANING I'M VERY LOYAL), so I'm glad to see that that huge Hooflack zit she carried around for so long didn't have a lasting effect.

Best Helen Mirren

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Here is our queen just casually taking a shot of tequila while walking the carpet. I'd like to think that woman next to her with her hand out is her assistant saying "Come on Helen, we took 6 shots in the limo ride over. Please don't black out like you did at the SAG Awards." H.Mirr does what she wants! Plus she knew the show was about to be 16 hours long and there's no better way to get through that than with liquid courage that enables you to flirtatiously banter with Chadwick Boseman about him being Black Panther and you being a cougar.

As a note, I'm not including all of the winners below because I assume you all do not want commentary on every single second of the marathon show. Also, in general, the Oscars are pretty boring (THERE I SAID IT) partly because it's the last show of the season so we already know who will win and Academy voters are ridiculously predictable and also because the celebs are not given booze! It's like going to a wedding that features no open bar.

Let's begin with the things I was most excited about:

Jordan Peele!

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The first black screenwriter to win Best Original Screenplay! Which, in my expert opinion is the only true writer's category because sorry bout it, but taking something that has already been published and trimming bits to create a movie is not the most creative thing (sorry Best Adapted Screenplay). This year, there were only two real contenders: Greta Gerwig's "Lady Bird" and Jordan Peele's "Get Out" because I'm not saying Guillermo Del Toro stole his film idea from a published playright, but I mean that playright's family is definitely saying that.

While I would've been happy with a Greta win, Jordan 100% deserved it. "Get Out" was THEEEEE most original film of the year. It was so carefully thought out and developed and the opposite of the bland boiled ham movies that the Oscar voters are used to. And look, "Get Out" is on HBO Go now, so you all have no reason whatsoever to not watch it because we all know you have your neighbor's ex-wife's mom's cat's password, so just do it.

Allison Janney!

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Our girl went 3-for-3 (Golden Globe, SAG, Oscar)! And this was her FIRST nomination and her FIRST time attending the Oscars. I was actually pretty shocked to learn that she hadn't been nominated before, particularly for her role as Ms. Perky in "10 Things I Hate About You" or as Juno's dog-obsessed mom.

I have to point out that Allison's category, Best Supporting Actress, was hands-down the most competitive one with THE BEST performances of the year. Honestly, the Oscars should've done away with Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor and given those two trophies to Laurie Metcalf and Octavia Spencer. And I'm not talking shit about Gary Oldman but I mean, even I could play Winston Churchill if you put 15 lbs of makeup and prosthetics on my face. And not to discount Sam Rockwell's performance except no wait, here's a 50% off tag because literally any other mushy ex-frat bro could've played him in Billboards.

Frances McDormand!
Let me caveat this by saying I loved Frances McDormand in "Three Billboards" and we all knew she would win this. I'm sure you all have read the criticisms of the film, so I'll just say that there are problematic elements to it and there's a reason the director wasn't nominated. But Frances is simply amazing in it and absolutely the reason the film has received most of its accolades. During her speech, she asked all of the female nominees in the room to stand and dear God it warmed my frozen beef patty heart:

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I caveated this because while I have enjoyed all of Frances' speeches this season and her no nonsense appeal, I was holding on to a tiny inkling of hope that Margot Robbie would swoop in with the upset. I thought she had the performance of the year, which, if you see "I, Tonya," I think you'll agree. And like I said, the women had outstanding performances this year — head and shoulders above most of the men. In such a stacked year, I'm sad Margot didn't get as much recognition for a role she so meticulously and flawlessly performed.

Back to Frances, she ended her speech by reminding people to request an inclusion rider in their contracts, which requires films to include a certain level of diversity in its cast AND crew.

Girls Trip 2!

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Every year, the Oscars tease us with a coupling who should do a movie together — one year it was Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, the next it was Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence and this year, it was Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph. They had, quite literally, the only funny bit of the night, where they assured everyone that the Oscars were still pretty white. Also, Tiffany wore that white Alexander McQueen gown again, which I am 110% here for. Looking forward to having them host everything from now on, thanks, I'm glad Hollywood always take my opinion into account.

All of my boyfriends!

I've ordered my suitors here from youngest to oldest because I have a wide range of interests (and I can't believe I have to keep reminding y'all, but Shawn Mendes is 19, LEAVE US ALONE). So Shawn and Donald Glover only attended the Vanity Fair after party, which tbh is the best part of the Oscars if not just for the pics of A-listers eating In-n-Out. Mahershala, who won Best Supporting Actor last year, presented Allison Janney with her prize while wearing what appeared to be two-button down shirts at once. Even clothes love him so much that they all want to be on him at once.

Also, my advice to anyone is to diversify your portfolio to be able to attend max award show events. If you'll notice, Shawn is in music, Donald Glover is on TV (and in music, omg he does it all) and Mahershala is in film (and also TV, omg he does it all too). It's important to have a date to the Grammys, Emmys and Oscars.

StoneLaw!
Okay, so Emma Stone wasn't nominated this year, but she did wear a pants suit and was seated next to J.Law:

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At this point, I believe J.Law might have been 2-3 white wines deep and Emma's thinking about how she will likely have to clean up vomit later. For reference on the wine, here we have a wild J.Law, pre-show, climbing over some seats without spilling a drop!

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The fact that she's doing this in a heavy ass gown and stilettos is impressive in itself, but throw in the glass of wine and it's something you add to your resume. Have you ever jumped over seats in a theater? It always seems easy in your mind until you go to stretch your leg and realize you are not as nimble as you remember and you inevitably end up awkwardly straddling the top of the seat before giving your inner thigh seat burn as you drag it to the other side. Anyway, while J.Law athletically drank, our girl Emma kept that boss ass bitch pants suit flame going when she introduced the Best Director category:

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I WAS HOLLERING. HOLLERING, Y'ALL. Apparently, some people (read: men) had an issue with Emma saying this, but I mean, it's fact. Four dudes and one Greta. Aside from Greta and Jordan Peele, I hated this category because the Academy failed to nominate Dee Rees and Patty Jenkins. Which, me hating things is a good segue into...

Things I screamed NOOOO at:

Guillermo Del Toro
Alright, so did I like "The Shape of Water"? No. But I mean, did I think that Guillermo Del Toro was a genius director who deserved to beat Greta Gerwig and Jordan Peele? ALSO NO.

Here is how I imagine Guillermo's creative process went with directing Shape of Water: "Hmm...I think this part needs more boobs" and also "This part definitely needs more boobs" and also "This part with the more boobs, there should also be sex with the fish man."

The Shape of Water, in general
Before I continue sipping on this gallon of Shape of Water haterade, I want to note that I did think the cinematography and score were lovely. Those paired with Octavia Spencer ALMOST made me like the film. ALMOST. But I just could not get over the core element of, oh you know, Sally Hawkins having sex with a fish-dinosaur man. And whatever I guess call me old-fashioned for not having the brain capacity to comprehend wanting to have sex with a creature that has gills and webbed hands and a smooth area that looks like a Ken doll. Don't get me wrong, I understood her caring about the fish-dino-man, because I mean it is a living creature. Kind of like how I love giraffes and would not like them to be hunted and killed. But do I want to have sex with giraffes? Um, no (where did you think that was going).

I assumed the Best Picture race was down to "The Shape of Water," "Three Billboards" and "Get Out." Ever the optimistic one, I thought the Academy's efforts to diversify its membership would boost "Get Out," but it seems there are still too many white men and not enough golf courses for them to retire to. And I guess Water winning was better than "The Post" or "The Darkest Hour" or "Dunkirk," all of which are piping cups of pandering tea to old Oscar voters.

Speaking of these, Christopher Nolan really should've considered featuring a scene in "Dunkirk" of Harry Styles singing a medley of One Direction hits. I bet that would've amplified the film to new levels. And "The Post" should've considered giving Meryl Streep more than 10 lines. But what do I know.

And so we concluded the night on a fishy note and I wondered where the last four hours of life went.

Final thoughts
WHERE THE HELL WERE MICHELLE WILLIAMS AND BUSY PHILIPPS?! Without them, we received no moments like this from last year's "La La Land" debacle:

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Busy Philipps actually admitted that her husband had this photo framed for her, which omg same. Luckily, Jennifer Garner was ever so generous and provided us with the most meme'd moment of the night:

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Here is a list of things I believe she could have been realizing in this moment:

- "Shit, did I leave my cell phone in the bathroom"
- "Wait, there is no way Arya and Sansa will both make it to the end of Game of Thrones"
- "Allison Williams' Get Out character ate the Froot Loops and the milk SEPARATELY"
- "Dora isn't really an explorer because she only goes into mapped territory"
- "Dogs are only a part of our life, but we are their ENTIRE life"

And that wraps up awards show season! Or well, officially. I'll be covering any and all events or gatherings or brunches with more than 2 celebs, so stay tuned.

See you all later this week as we drag ourselves to the finish line of The Bachelor!

What did we learn from the 2017 Oscars?

Just want to let you all know that my 13-hour flight from Japan landed in time for the Oscars Red Carpet because I clearly have the right priorities. So what's the first thing I did when I got home, smelling like recycled air and peanuts? Subjected myself to Seacrest and Rancic of course!

I was pleased to find that E! had once again relegated Rancic to the Roosevelt Hotel across the street because let's be honest with ourselves, people like Alicia Vikander should not be immersed in the true horror of Rancic's orange-handed interviewing. 

Which, speaking of Alicia, let's jump right into fashion.

This is what Ali V. (omg she hates it when I call her that) wore to the show and to the Vanity Fair after party, proving that she did not come to play with y'all and is simply here to slay. Also, she showed up wearing the tan that Rancic so desperately wants with her hair in a post-gym pineapple bun because she is Alicia Vikander and can do shit like that. It's 100% selfish of her to have both this face and that amazing accent AND be a talented actress. I bet she doesn't even do normal human things like sneeze because sneezing is unattractive and there have been zero recorded incidents of an unattractive Vikander.

My other favorite dresses of the evening:

You guys, it's like last year's awards show season broke up with Brie Larson and this year is her revenge year (which is of course untrue since she won everything last year). Nonetheless, her dresses have been sharper than Captain Crunch cereal on the roof of your mouth and I'm here for it. I love the ruffling at the bottom of this that is quite literally shaped like Ruffles chips and who doesn't love a good Ruffles chip.

Naomie Harris has taken everything I love about clothing and put it into one ensemble: 1) A cape 2) A dress that is long enough that you don't have to sit like a nun all night but short enough to show you shaved your legs 3) A peek-a-boo tummy window that proves to be useful at the after party when In-n-Out is served. I only hope she put that cape to good use at some point in the night and whipped Karlie Kloss in the face because WHO THE HELL INVITED KLOSS TO THE OSCARS? I DEMAND A RECOUNT.

Plenty of ladies have worn red dresses on the red carpet, but anyway those are all cancelled now because Viola Davis has done it and no one will ever be able to top her.

Lastly, I'm not the biggest Kirsten Dunst fan, but I love this dress because it has pockets and there are few things I love more in life than pockets on a dress. How many bags of M&Ms do you think she was able to sneak in? I bet there's like a whole container of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles too. So glad our dear Kiki was looking good that night because I can only assume the Oscars presented her with a lifetime impact award for her performance in the critically acclaimed melodrama "Bring It On."

And now, to the 15-hour show!

Vikander + Mahershala Ali = Be still my beating heart

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I have already framed this photo and placed it in my heart and also every room of my apartment. Look how sincerely emotional she is for him! And how gracious and gorgeous and sweet and also good looking and also handsome he is! Mahershala in an all-black suit turned my heart into a mess of Nature Valley granola bar crumbs. These two can never act in a film together because my doctor tells me it will kill me.

Let's put "Can't Stop the Feeling" to bed now

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Just a reminder that a song from the Trolls movie was Oscar nominated but Pharrell's "Runnin" from Hidden Figures was not. AN ACTUAL OUTRAGE. Not that Justin is to blame, but I mean, his new haircut might be. Actually, his new haircut is 100% to blame. Not throwing shade at all though because his performance was upbeat and entertaining, actually put on a jacket because here comes the shade, I want to bury this song in a concrete box and throw it into a volcano then throw that volcano onto Mars then throw Mars into a black hole leading to another galaxy to ensure I never hear it again.

Viola continues her quest to make my heart grow 3 sizes

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While I was not surprised that Viola Davis won the award for Best Viola Davis in a Supporting Role, it didn't diminish the impact of her speech. This woman could convince me to set my hair on fire and wear a Duke jersey to my own wedding. I don't think I even blink when she's speaking for fear of not properly soaking in her words. When an evil witch has Sleeping Beauty'd me and Mahershala Ali has not been able to Prince Charming wake me up, play a montage of Viola Davis speeches and I'll instantly be revived. But remember to have Mahershala try his hand at reviving me first, that's crucial.

Actually, first submit that montage of Viola speeches to the Recording Academy for Viola to win a Grammy next year therefore clenching her EGOT. 

BREAKING NEWS: NEW BOYFRIEND ALERT

I'm not one to start rumors about myself with male celebrities, but word on the street is that I'm dating Riz Ahmed and since I'm not denying it and he hasn't said otherwise it must be true. I'm digging this gif because it so perfectly encapsulates what it's like to trip and fall onto Riz, then stand up and check him out. I'm not advocating ogling men because they are not just pieces of meat and hahahaha just kidding I'm of course saying you should ogle them. Women are paid 80 cents for every dollar paid to men so if we want to make up that 20 cent difference by ogling good looking men, BY GOD WE WILL.

Real best friends get matching Oscars

Those handmade thread bracelets really pale in comparison to having matching Best Actress Oscars. I'm assuming Brie and Emma will now get their Oscars put on diamond friendship necklaces to wear around all the time as a show of their permanent bond. I'm kidding of course, that'd be ridiculous because Oscar necklaces are so hard to match with. Fashion is difficult!

While on the topic of Emma, it's important to note that in her speech she said "thank you to my soul sister Kristi." That's right, that spelling and everything. To answer everyone's question, yes, she was referring to me. And to think, the police tried to tell me that camping outside of someone's house for four months was "weird" and not the "basis for friendship." HA. I clearly showed them.

Speaking of breast friends, #MiBusy!

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I may be a bit biased but I loved both of their dresses and the fact that they were front row to the night's debauchery. I'm only saddened by the fact that they had to sit sandwiched between the Hooflack brothers at some point (I suppose this was necessary since Michelle was in Manchester by the Sea with nasty ass Casey Affleck). Because of this, we were gifted this reaction when the La La Land-Moonlight Envelopegate happened:

Prior to that when times were simpler, they enjoyed candy parachuted from the ceiling and I imagine Busy tried to get Michelle to eat a Red Vine but Michelle was like "Red Vines are fucking disgusting" because they are and it remains the only subject of contention between them (besides the whole Pacey thing back in the Creek days).

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Someone rescue Dakota Johnson('s career)

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Dakota Johnson is actually pretty funny and being funny is a talent and therefore it makes zero sense for her to be wasting her time on the sinking, embarrassing ship of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm bypassing her dress choice because it mostly reminded me of a fancy folded silk napkin which only made me want a fancy hamburger and also french fries and see this is why I didn't bring it up. What must it be like to attend an evening celebrating the best in film to have someone ask you about a movie franchise based on Twilight fan fiction? I imagine it'd be like me attending the Pulitzer Prize ceremony to discuss my latest handmade pop-up book.

Chris Evans has fallen victim to the Zefron effect

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Scientists have only recently coined the Zefron phenomenon (named after Zac Efron, duh), which is most commonly recognized by the presence of a plethora of films featuring horrendous acting but so many shirtless scenes that you forget your brain is slowly dying from exposure to the terribleness. Okay and some of you are up in arms like "He's Captain America!" and all that other BS, which I agree, his acting chops were really put to work in that skintight muscle suit. And he had to hold a shield! True Renaissance Man! Anyway, I'll see myself out.

WHO RUN THE WORLD

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I didn't include Janelle, Taraji and Octavia in the best dressed list above because they deserved their own standalone mention. I remain saltier than a crushed bag of Fritos over the fact that Taraji and Janelle didn't get nominations and honestly that Hidden Figures didn't win more. My caps lock can't quite express my thoughts on this iconic trio and their absolute fashion slayage and the fact that they brought out the real Katherine Johnson, so I'll let Beyonce help me.

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I demand a recount.

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Reminder that Casey Affleck is literal garbage and settled lawsuits by two women for sexual misconduct and harassment. This is the second time Brie Larson has had to present this human stain with an award and she was once again not having it. Still professional, but who says you have to clap for crap? NO ONE. Anyway, for more looks of disgust, here's Emma and Viola:

Because they realize that as creepy and disgusting as Casey looks on the outside, he's infinitely more creepy and disgusting on the inside. I only hope one of them yelled "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US" at some point.

And bonus, Chrissy T sleeping during his acceptance speech with a special appearance of Ali V. not giving a rat's ass.

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Sometimes a recount does happen.

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Let me start off by saying I loved La La Land. It's a feel good movie that kind of helps you escape the current shit storm we're in and it's beautiful to watch. But you guys, Moonlight literally hits you right in the heart and makes it ache. An absolutely amazing story complemented by unbelievable performances with ridiculous cinematography. So, when La La Land was mistakenly announced, I felt a flashback to Adele beating Beyonce at the Grammys. But before this flashback could fully materialize, the Oscars Kanye'd themselves declaring Moonlight the actual winner. And it was all very confusing and like YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO. DO NOT SCREW UP THE BIGGEST AWARD OF THE NIGHT. This is like preparing Christmas dinner and paying close attention to the cranberry sauce and stuffing but then forgetting to cook the turkey all the way. NO ONE HAS TIME FOR YOUR RAW TURKEY, OSCARS. 

Anyway, was glad to see Moonlight get its due credit. And the cast and crews reactions!

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Per tradition, obligatory Chrissy T

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At this point, you know me well enough that I don't have to express my somewhat creepy undying love for CT and the fact that she and John are so beautiful together that I randomly weep thinking about them. BUT THIS DRESS AND ITS CAPE COMPONENT! Also, the day before the show, our beloved Chrissy tweeted this out, therefore bringing us full circle with the Vikander effect:

Generally wondering, what happens to those celeb seat cards? Is there just some trash can outside the Kodak Theater full of them on the day of the show? And how accessible is this trash can? And how tall is it? Would one need a ladder to access it? Asking for a friend.

And that's it! Per usual, a long ass show but this time with a dramatic ending. I leave you with this moment that has created a fear that Nicole Kidman will kill me with her seal fins or lobster claws or whatever these things are. She's getting really sloppy with these "human woman" costumes she's choosing to wear.

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2017 SAG Awards in the bag

I enjoy the SAG Awards more than the Oscars. YEAH I SAID IT, GRAB YOUR TOP HAT. The show is usually around two hours long and things move pretty smoothly from major category to major category, which, I know, I'm offending anyone who enjoys watching the race for "Best Use of Eyelash Glue in an Action and/or Sci-Fi Movie," so sorry.

This means that the actual red carpet is literally the same length as the show, which, as a person of balance, I love.

First things first (I'm the realest). This is another awards show that makes the mistake of wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on this strange thing called "carbs." This year featured 3200 homemade breadsticks. How do they even know that's the exact number? How do they know some rogue woman didn't sneak into the back bakery and eat 100 of those magic sticks ahead of the show?

Bread aside, the specialty cocktails this year featured vodka in one and tequila in the other, amounting to around 120 bottles of booze. Meryl ended up using tequila as a chaser for the vodka and anyway no one knows where 85 of the bottles went.

On the red carpet, Giuliana and I continued our tortured relationship wherein she says things like "amazeballs" and I restrain myself from tossing my TV out the window. It would seem our lil' G has discovered the 1995 magic of self-tanner and has dove head first (literally). Watching her reminded me of this news article I read last year about a seagull that fell into a vat of chicken tikka masala, dying its feathers orange. Anyway, you tell me who wore it better:

Best dresses

Orange birds aside, I thought 98% of the fashion this year was lovely, with these being my favorites:

1. I imagine Brie Larson was wearing sweatpants and Cheetos an hour before the show, before getting a text from JLaw to remind her about making an appearance. Then she casually dabbed her face with Fairy Godmother fairy dust and slipped into this custom Jason Wu dress that she happened to have in her closet. ALL WITHOUT GETTING CHEETO FINGERS ON IT. This woman is a hero.

2. I can think of exactly zero times I've seen Kerry Washington looking less than flawless. This woman could have the flu, a migraine, pink eye, recent wisdom teeth surgery and a Will-Smith-in-Hitch allergic reaction and still win every single red carpet. I'm not normally one for strapless dresses and grandma-curtain lace, but I love this. 

3. Michelle Williams is like a precious baby bird, but in this dress, she is a fancy ass, shiny baby bird. I love the metallics and the 90s choker and her make-up is always so simple yet elegant and anyway this is my bid to join hers and Busy's friend group. More on #MiBusy later.

4. Y'ALL, SOPHIE TURNER'S GLO-UP THOUGH. Remember when we all hated Sansa on Game of Thrones and to make matters worse she was kind of strange looking? Then out of nowhere she was a badass and fed Ramsay to his dogs and we were all like YOOO. My point here being her red carpet game has been pretty solid the past couple years and this year was no exception. The red dress! The bold lip color! Those old Hollywood waves! I'm only disappointed in her decision to couple with Joe Jonas and his thunder thighs. Maturity is an ever evolving trait.

This is the most important US-UK partnership

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There is only one couple (I think you know who) I involuntarily pterodactyl screech for more than Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. They are the couple who will repopulate the earth after the apocalypse and I didn't even make that up, we all voted on it last year because of impending worries. On this topic, I continue to reiterate that Emily Blunt deserves some sort of award this season for so believably portraying a terrible looking drunk ass fool. Do you know how hard it is to be drunk for months? Very. I myself have only done it twice but had to stop due to causing a french fry famine.

Mahershala Ali invented the white suit

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I haven't voiced this enough, but I would like to marry Mahershala Ali. This thought first struck me when I saw him in House of Cards and it has stuck with me since then which must mean it's a formidable thought. Most men opt for black or navy suits for shows, which is fine if you're Ryan Gosling, but otherwise it's kind of boring. But Mahershala in this white suit. Seeing him elicited one of those "That's So Raven" moments, where I flashed forward into our future to see that we got married and ended up living in a giant Beverly Hills mansion with Chrissy and John because Mahershala is so understanding of me needing to be close to my breast friend.

New phone, who dis?

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No really, does anyone know who this woman is. She keeps showing up to events for actors and I'm starting to wonder if she is involved in acting somehow.

I thought the circus went out of business?

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I don't want to harp on her for too long because Nicole Kidman scares the actual shit out of me and I'm 110% sure she can hear me speak of her because she is an actual ghost. But this parrot dress. She looks a little bit like the Riddler? Or the Joker? We tried to ask her, but due to her impending contest with husband Keith Urban to see who can get the most Botox in a week, she only responded with "Booo blahhh boooo boo," which I translated to mean "I will haunt your dreams."

We have located the source of the world's beauty

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This left me speechless for a bit, similar to what happens to "creatives" when they see an especially moving piece of art. I would pay to see this photo, literally printed on normal printer paper, at a museum in Paris. While I tend to praise CT for her fashion regardless of if it's a designer gown or a pillowcase, I absolutely loved this black wrap dress with a sort of suit jacket top portion. And complemented by a tuxedo-clad Goose and dapper John Legend? And they sat at Meryl's table with (obviously) Ryan and Emma? HOLLYWOOD, STOP PANDERING TO ME.

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I was caught eating a breadstick.

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How was I supposed to know I'd be in the background shot of Emma? Just chewing those last buttery bits with a smug look on my face because NO ONE ELSE AT MY TABLE ATE THEM. No breadstick left behind. While on the topic of Emma, who took home La La Land's only award of the night, this was Brie Larson's reaction to hearing Emma Stone's name announced for leading actress, which is so sugary sweet I had to eat another salty breadstick:

Stranger Things won, but more importantly #Winona

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First off, Stranger Things swooping in with this win was pretty unexpected, so Winona didn't have much time to program her facial expressions. I'm not complaining. Just wanting to know what she mixed in with her tequila cocktails because I'm going to a party with Lady Mary and Lady Edith and the rest of Downton Abbey later and they party hard.

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If you see one film this year, let it be Hidden Figures

Aside from the absolutely amazing performances by Octavia Spencer, Janelle Monae and Taraji P. Henson, this story is so incredibly important. And inspirational. And historic. And okay, some sources report I shed 9-10 tears at it. Similar to how Spotlight kind of surprised everyone by snagging the SAG then the Oscar last year, I'm hopeful Hidden Figures will do the same. 

And lastly, #MiBusy

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You should know by now that this is how I will end every post. Which, is actually pretty similar to how I end most in-person conversations: by presenting a laminated photo of Busy and Michelle with no explanation, just a stern expression.

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What do you think they talk about over bowls of post-show wings? Do you think they wonder what James Van Der Beek is up to? Do you think they YouTube that scene of Katie Holmes singing "On My Own" in that early Dawson's Creek episode? Then drunk dial her and ask her about spaceships and cyborgs and Scientology? These are the hard-hitting questions I'll get to the bottom of.

And that's it folks! A pretty solid SAG Awards to serve as hypeman for the Oscars. See you next month for the Adele-Beyonce Music Awards!