What did we learn from the 2018 Golden Globes?

This post is brought to you by Amy Poehler, who we did not get nearly enough of during the show. We forever cherish the renowned and historic Golden Globes of 2013-2015 that Tina Fey and Amy gave us.

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So, like a child touching a hot stove repeatedly and never learning her lesson, I watched E!'s 3,000 hours of Red Carpet coverage that literally began last December, hosted by some randos I don't know and Kristin Cavallari. I have to be honest with you, Kristin is not the worst thing on the planet. Okay, you caught me, I love her? While Rancic's voice is more grating than parmesan cheese, I can connect with K. Cavvy (I just made that up, you're welcome) and she gave us emotional moments like this on The Hills:

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Anyway, I was enjoying the preheat to this oven before everything exploded during the actual fail carpet with Rancic and Seacrest. If you didn't hear, E! correspondent Catt Sadler recently quit the network after finding out lil' Jason Kennedy was making TWICE her salary. This was despite the fact they started at the same time and honestly had the same levels of fame and did the same amount of coverage. She asked for a raise and E! denied her. You can read more about this on her blog.

I was of course waiting for at least one star to bring this up and pour the hot tea on E!'s ignorance. And Debra Messing delivered! During the first interview! I'll let you watch below (clip also includes Eva Longoria showing her support while Seacrusty looks on):

Okay we have to move on because I'm worried Rancic's self-tanner is going to seep through the screen and I honestly just scrubbed all of it off from the last time I watched her on a red carpet.

Before we jump into the fashion: In case you've avoided all social media and TV and radio and magazines and any humans talking about anything, practically everyone in attendance wore black in support of the #TimesUp movement (which you can read more about here). Also, eight actresses brought activists as their dates, you can check out Refinery29's gallery here. 

Best dressed:

To be honest, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Emilia Clarke's bleached hair but I am all about this look. The boob-peek (that's the official fashion lingo for this cut) complemented by the straight blonde hair and elegant make-up PLUS look at the face she is serving. It reminds me of the look I give to the buffet boy when he refills the fried chicken at Golden Corral. I'M COMING FOR IT.

Issa Rae is becoming one of my absolute faves on the carpet. She is stunning and I am here for this gown that let's her do the Angelina Jolie mono-leg pose. Oh, you thought this was just a plain dress? SURPRISE THERE'S A GIANT RIP THAT MY LEG CAN POKE THROUGH. Those are the best dresses, tbh. Both sexy and also breezy.

I'm realizing that I don't think I scream about my obsession with Jessica Chastain enough. I have loved her since The Help and she's pretty consistent in being the Ginger Gorgina at every event. I dig the old Hollywood vibes she's giving with this look and she is someone that I feel would be insane to see in real life. And by "insane" I mean you would just stare at her, trying to see through to her DNA to confirm she is the same species as you. Like, is she just the more evolved version of the type of woman I am? She is Charizard and I am just a basic ass Charmander? (YES THAT'S A POKEMON REFERENCE, I AM COOL)

Okay I know I am the only one on the planet who is picking Alicia Vikander as best dressed but what can I say, I'm a loyal ass friend. I know she looks like a cross between a Civil War widow and a witch on the Oregon Trail, but let's overlook that. Her face! And make-up! How she can pull off a middle part! She is one of the only women on the planet beautiful enough to wear a turtle neck grandma dress that is about as fashionable and sexy as a roast beef sandwich and still look amazing.

To the show!

Big Little Lies, you guys

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The show won in every category it was nominated: Best Miniseries or TV Film, Nicole Kidman for Best Actress, Laura Dern for Best Supporting Actress and Alexander Skarsgard for Best Supporting Actor. Which, look, it's important to note that based on how much I still fucking hate Perry (Alexander Skarskgard's character), he more than deserved the award. And I'm not going to caps lock assault you again about how amazing Nicole is in the series, rather, I want to caps lock assault you about how amazing Laura Dern is. 

Lizzy D (what she asks I call her) is stunning, and not just for a 50-year-old, like across all women. She fully immerses herself in every character she plays and for the most part I want to know what expensive ass water or weird-mushroom-Kombucha-yoga shake she's drinking because I need it. She, like Nikki Kidman, gave an inspirational and moving speech.

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BREAKING: My love for Zefron has been rekindled

I know I previously expressed satisfaction over our breakup because of his general lack of acting abilities, but per his face and also body in this black suit, I have changed my mind. KRAC IS BACK (KMac + Zac, duh). I think God invented stubble specifically to be sported by Zefron. And good lord, his crystal blue eyes. Okay and don't come at me, I know he's like 5'8"and petite, but he's so beefy too! He's like my little filet mignon. Small but satisfyingly beefy.

The only thing I've told him to improve upon is to stop doing this pose:

He does this dumb shit on every red carpet. First off, if being a teenager taught us anything it's well, don't eat salad when you have braces because that shit will be in every metal crevice. But it also taught us that you shouldn't touch your face. It just spreads oil and creates monster zits. I just don't get it. Is he wiping away drool? I know I look good eating a buttery grilled cheese in these new cropped sweatpants and all but damn, calm down.

Sterling K. Brown got the award he deserved last year

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And obviously said what anyone would say if faced with a front row Oprah. Um, remember how Sterling K. Brown didn't win the Globe last year for his role in The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story? I'm assuming this award doubles for that as well as his current role as "man who makes me cry every week on This Is Us." Honestly. Every week. How does he do it? He is also the first black actor to win the category and if my Justin Timberlake Cry Me a River tears are any sign, he'll win a lot more.

Who knew Leslie Bibb was married to Sam Rockwell?

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First off, all I remember Sam Rockwell from is the Charlie's Angels movie with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore. Remember, he's the genius who fakes his kidnapping (bc he's actually the bad guy) then they rescue him and then he acts all charming by telling Drew that he doesn't know how to make Shake-n-Bake and blah blah they sleep together. It's such a complex movie. So he won Best Supporting Actor in a Film for Three Billboards and who even knew he was married to Brooke McQueen from Popular? If you didn't watch Popular, it was a short-lived teen drama on The WB about white people having drama while wearing pastels. Anyway, I'm glad to see her career has really skyrocketed.

A Hermione and Cedric reunion!

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I'm not a Harry Potter fan (sorry to disappoint), but oddly enough, I've seen Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire like 450 times. Mostly because it happens to be the movie that I always seems to catch on TV and also because I paid to see it in theaters. I don't even remember why I paid to see it, I think it had to do with the promise of an XXXXL popcorn. It was also meant to be because Rob Pattinson is in it (but dies, wtf) and we all knew I was destined to be obsessed with Twilight. Anyway, my little British heart (part of my heart is quite literally made up of mushy peas) loved this Emma + Rob pairing. Even though I now know Rob is weird and probably does shit like watch you sleep or stare at you through bushes, it's nice to reminisce.

I really need to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Rachel Brosnahan won for Best Actress in a Comedy Series and the show won Best Comedy Series, which I mean, you really can't go wrong with an Amy Sherman-Palladino show. And she used her speech to ask about cheese which I am always onboard for. And as the Globes failed to ever nominate Gilmore Girls and only nominated Lauren Graham once (A TRAGEDY), I assume this is their way of making amends. After I watch Mrs. Maisel, I shall decide if this is enough.

Allison Janney is the expert at playing the mom
She was the mom in Juno. The mom in Hairspray. The mom'ish starfish in Finding Nemo. The mom in the show Mom. And of course, the crazy ass mom in I, Tonya. Which please watch immediately if you haven't already, if not to just appreciate her call back to her character with this fake bird:

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The Best Supporting Actress in a Drama might be the toughest category this awards show season. Between Allison Janney, Laurie Metcalf, Mary J. Blige and Octavia Spencer, it's like choosing between tater tots or waffle fries. Allison Janney took the Globe home, but to be honest, I would be happy to see her Mean Girls the award and break off pieces for each of the nominees.

OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH

Oprah received the Cecil B. de Mille Award and honestly I was already crying just from the montage they showed of her career before she came onstage. Then she gave a speech that was more moving than the tectonic plates beneath Pangea that separated the continents. Please just watch and join me in feeling both inspired and hopeful for the future. And by "future" I mean when Oprah runs for president.

And while it was frustrating for every single male winner to not address wage disparity or inequality or sexism in the industry, I kept replaying Oprah's speech for sanity and like I said, inspiration.

And here is just one woman Oprah is considering for vice president:

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YOOO DAT NATTY P. DOE. Coming through with the WELL DESERVED shade of the evening. Also look how Richie Cunningham giggles. Once again, five humans who are not capable of birthing children were nominated for Best Director. And look, almost every year it's horrendous that women aren't nominated, but this year proved to be especially horrendous because SO many deserving women directed amazing films. Dee Rees for Mudbound. Patty Jenkins for Wonder Woman. Greta Gerwig for Lady Bird. The Golden Globes quite literally had to go out of their way to avoid nominating a woman. Here were the dumb looks 4 of the 5 men had (Guillermo del Toro, who won, had a similar face, so you're not missing anything):

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If you haven't gotten the gist, the evening belonged to the women. As most evenings should, because as I continually point out, 105% of women are better than 100% of men. And I know we had that tiny slip-up with Eve and the gross apple thing, but like Hannah Montana says, everybody makes mistakes!

I'd like to end this post by providing recorded footage of my reaction to Lady Bird winning Best Musical or Comedy:

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I know. I look like Beyonce, I get that a lot.

See you all later this week for the Critics Choice Awards!

Yes, I watched the 2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards

I was obviously drawn in by the catchy name for the show, which is literally called the Music Television Movie and Television Awards. MARKETING IS SPOT ON.

Please remember that I willingly seek out and watch any sort of programming that gathers 2 or more celebrities in one place. That's right. From the Oscars to a livestream of Amy Schumer eating falafel at a cafe with Jennifer Lawrence, I watch it all.

And so, as one of the approximately 10 people who watched the show, I felt it to be my civic duty to recap the evening.

BEST DRESSED, HANDS DOWN

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First off, I need a band-aid because the sharp, perfect angle of Zendaya's brows is cutting me to the core. Even as I write, I'm literally staring at a zoomed in photo because these are the brows that God imagined when he was thinking "What should eyebrows look like?" I absolutely loved this dress and Kermit the Frog color partially because of the open back. I have a really broad back, like Michael Phelps broad (except I don't stick to his workout regimen, only his 12k+ calorie per day regimen). So, anything that allows my big back to be wild and free is magical and worthy of a standing ovation.

As it turns out, I'm not over Zefron

As most of you know via my representatives, Zachary and I went through a pretty nasty breakup, which entailed a lot of me crying outside of his Hollywood Hills mansion and also an unfortunate face tattoo that I've since had removed. Anyway, lately I've felt completely past the Zef obsession, but then he showed up looking like the newest member of BSB and set my heart a flutter and anyway I guess we're back on. If we're being honest, he never lets me around him when he's wearing all white (which is generally every Tuesday and Thursday) because he says I always have chicken wings on my hands, which is both rude and true. Love is so complicated.

Clear heart, full brows, can't lose

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So Emma Watson and her flawless, British ass brows won MTV's first gender-neutral award of the night. And she gave an amazingly eloquent speech considering the venue and the fact that MTV gave an award last year for "Best Shirtless Performance." Juxtaposition, ya know. For a moment I thought I was watching a classy show or an actual awards show, kind of like when you wander into the "designer" shoes section of Nordstrom Rack. It feels fancy and you're like "wow, this is great," but then you step out into the aisle and remember the rest of the store is like a burning building and everyone is a headless chicken trying to save themselves by ripping clothes off racks. Back on point: Emma Watson: great speech, great brows, can't lose.

How I plan to enter every room from now on

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While I'm still not healed from Camilla Cabello leaving Fifth Harmony (but I'm brave so I know I'll make it), this girl knows how to enter a performance. I uphold that the two best things to do onstage are: 1) Descend from the ceiling and 2) Have it rain (like actual water not money). Dramatic, extra things are the point of becoming a performer (so Celine Dion tells me). She performed with J. Balvin and Pitbull and to be honest the sound for all of the performances (not just theirs) was...off? Some sort of odd echo or everyone's backing track was too loud. It's like when you're in the car singing "Genie in a Bottle" and you can't hear yourself so you're like "I'm doing pretty well," and then the track stops and you realize you don't sound like XTina and it's embarrassing for everyone.

BOO, HISS

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Look, I'm not petty about a lot of things except for everything related to celebrities and also everything related to my life. At the heart of Grand Petty Central is Allison Williams. Every siren in my brain goes off telling me she is in fact a terrible person, I can just sense it. And it's rare that my senses are off (except for the first time I smelled weed and thought it smelled like pistachios, when in fact, weed is not made of pistachios). Similar to how Chrissy T involuntarily evokes screaming and yas kween'ing, Allison IMMEDIATELY makes me boo. And who even boos these days? Me, that's who. If you haven't seen "Get Out," see it immediately because I am positive Allison Williams' "character" is actually just Allison Williams.

Oh okay, Gal Gadot

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To be honest, I've never been a fan of Wonder Woman but they make her look pretty badass in this new movie. And wtf, Gal Gadot, being gorgina while jumping through fire. This is also what I look like while lunging at the register at Chick-fil-A to get a breakfast biscuit before they stop serving breakfast. Anyway, it's rude for both her and I to look so flaw free while doing such physical activities and we're both very sorry.

Do Transformers and The Fast & The Furious just alternate releasing movies every year?

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I'm pretty sure Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel just alternate coming to the Movie Awards every year to say "And now, here's an exclusive clip from the latest Transformers/Fast & The Furious movie." They don't even have to edit the teleprompter. Who even knows if Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel are even separate people, for all we know, they're the same person just making a shit ton of money. They should conclude both series' with the robot car things battling out the racing car things and there's lots of fire and in the end Jordana Brewster's eyebrows are the only survivor.

UPDATE: I'm over The Zef

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Sources have confirmed I'm now dating Ross Butler. Accepting couple names on a rolling basis. #Kross #Rosti #McBut

Big Aiko are tiny and adorable

How long have Big Sean and Jhene Aiko been a thing? And when can we expect a collaboration? And why are they both so little and cute? These are the answers the universe wants.

Be still, my beating heart

Ashton Sanders and Jharrel Jerome won Best Kiss in a category that has generally been disappointing since Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams won back in the day for The Notebook and recreated the kiss onstage. Ashton and Jharrel's win was the best and if you haven't seen Moonlight, what are you even doing right now. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have to reiterate how much that movie made me feel real human emotions. A monstrous task usually only undertaken by wiener dogs.

Cool for the summer

I don't even know what to say here and to be completely honest, I don't want to linger on this too long because I feel Cara Delevingne is staring right into my hair roots trying to transpose my own hair onto her head. At first I thought she was wearing some sort of bald cap thing, but then I was like, why would anyone do that? Nope, this is just her head. And the face she's chosen to pair with said head. I mean, maybe subconsciously I'm just jealous because my own head has more peaks and valleys than a national park. Either way, easy breezy summer hair!

13 Stranger Reasons Why

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The cast of "13 Reasons Why" presented the award for Best Show to the cast of "Stranger Things" and it was so freaking cute. I personally enjoyed both shows and even read the book "13 Reasons Why," which is pretty shocking. And whatever, maybe I read it because I originally heard that Selena Gomez was going to be in the film adaptation. THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR. I read for knowledge which is evident by my serious, mature book collection spanning Twilight to The Hunger Games. Anyway, excited for season 2 of both shows, til then, enjoy this hugging.

And that's it! I leave you with this because I am emotionally confused and what does the heart even want.

See you May 21 for the Billboard Music Awards!