What did we learn from the 2019 Country Music Awards?

First and foremost we learned that this dry spell of Bachelor/ette seasons and awards shows causes me to do wild and insane things like watch the Country Music Awards. I'm not being dramatic when I say this is the first time I've watched.

But, in lieu of real awards shows, this is what I've succumb to. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Here are my observations and big questions:

Carrie Underwood just gets to look like this all the time?
About two years ago, Carrie Underwood took a break from social media and the public eye because she suffered injuries to her wrist and face after falling outside her home. She really made us think she was gonna come back all Quasimodo with these notes to her fans saying she "might not look the same." So, brace yourself, I'm about to show you the shocking before and after:

I know, really makes you gasp how unbelievably different she looks.

I've said this before and I'll say it again — I'm not a tall, talented blonde white woman who won American Idol (you're surprised, I know) but if I were, I'd want to be Carrie Underwood. It seems unfair that she just gets to have that face and hair all the time. And like, I've never fallen on my face, but do I think it looks like I have compared to Carrie Underwood? Probably, yes.

On the topic of Carrie, she apparently hosts these awards every year? This year, I think because they heard I was going to watch and wanted to impress, she had some help from some up-and-comers — Reba and Dolly Parton. Very impressed with these young ladies, I think they're gonna go far.

FYI I LOVE MAREN MORRIS
I saw Maren Morris perform at Bowery Ballroom in NYC just after she was nominated for Best New Artist at the Grammys (big thank you to Genevieve who educated me on Maren) and y'all — can you even believe Maren invented country music in the year 2017? Wow. A visionary. She's just 5 ft. of pure talent and amazing brows and lashes and hair, so I guess some people really do have it all. Also, because this is necessary to note, I feel like she used to wear grommet belts (who of us didn't) and has definitely been in a fight before. And this rounds out all of the necessary requirements to be my idol. Now go listen to her "Hero" album BECAUSE IT HAS NO SKIPS. NONE. ALL GOOD.

She showed up at the show with her fine ass husband Ryan Hurd (who's also a singer) in this Carolina blue crop top situation:

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AND SHE'S FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT? Honestly, I look more pregnant after eating a whole Chipotle bowl than this.

She was the most nominated artist of the evening (duh), but only won Album of the Year because the Country Music Awards clearly have some sort of cap on the number of awards they will give to women. I'm positive they considered the feasibility of giving the best female artist award to Brad Paisley.

Nonetheless, she performed "Girl" in this white bandage dress and how does the woman do it?

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This is also what I look like waving at my friends while emerging from the dressing room after unhinging my ribs to get into some ho' couture dress at Express.

Is Blake Shelton......attractive?

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At first, I was very much like NOOOO. But now, I'm sort of like MAYBEEEE. I can't decide if he's actually good looking or just tall? That tallness fools us everytime, amirite?

Are Dan + Shay just Rascal Flatts reincarnated?
While tallness may fool me, I'd recognize that nasaly voice ANYWHERE. I had to lookup who's who to learn that Shay does 100% of the singing in this "group":

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Or well, in this performance anyway. Dan had a mic but honestly, who knows if it was turned on. Things that were also not turned on: me. (HAHAH oh please you saw that coming)

When you gotta perform with Dolly at 8, but get back to vampiring at 9

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I have no idea who these men are, but I assume they won some sort of contest in the 1800s to time travel to now to perform with Dolly. Technology is neat.

What most male country singers sing about

This is from Luke Combs' performance (idk who that is and I'm not sorry). It reminded me that the popular topics dudes in country music sing about are beer (especially on a Friday night), whiskey/tequila (especially drowning in it), their dog (that ran away), and women in tight pants (who are shimmying). AND THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE EXTENT OF TOPICS.

My hot take on country music overall is that if you're a dude with a mediocre voice, you can make it. You don't have to be a hot boy or even fashionable or even intelligent. But as a woman, you have to have an amazing voice, 14 degrees and a medical license, invented at least two life-saving inventions and of course be supermodel gorgeous. Just those things though, super simple. Also this comparison applies to a lot of things in life, but we're not diving into my dissertation (maybe during the Oscars).

While on the topic of frustrating things...

When you won Album of the Year at the Grammys but aren't nominated for Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs:

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Look, not that I thought this was a real awards show, but having a sort of "overall artist" category and NOT nominating country music's biggest star across genres is outrageous. Kacey Musgraves did win the awards for female artist and music video, but wtf. I guess it's good she can go home and wipe away her tears with the millions of dollars she made touring with Harry Styles.

She also performed with Willie Nelson and it was sort of adorable:

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But also, it would've been nice had she performed on her own too since she was one of the two artists I tuned into this show for. It's almost as if these artists and shows do not create their content based on my likings. Weird.

And that's it! Or well, that's all I allowed my brain to store away. The biggest takeaway is there's a 495% chance I will not watch this show ever again, but rather, opt for finding Kacey and Maren's performances on YouTube. So I guess it was an educational experience.

See you in a couple weeks for the American Music Awards! Til then, find me out protesting against sneaker wedges (they're stupid and detrimental to us all) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2018 American Music Awards?

Before we jump into things, just reminding you that at shows like the American Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, VMA's, etc., the award literally goes to whoever shows up to this JV pep rally. That's it. Don't let them make you believe there's any sort of "voting."

This year's AMAs recap is brought to you by Taran Killan's reaction to Cardi B's performance:

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As a side note, whenever I see Cobie Smulders I don't think about "How I Met Your Mother" or "The Avengers," instead I immediately think about that Nicholas Sparks movie she was in with Julianne Hough (LOLOLOL) where she played the ghost of Josh Duhamel's wife. And so that's my history with her because I know you were wondering.

I'm skipping over the red carpet because I don't even know where the pre-show aired. I checked my usual dumpster, E!, and it wasn't there so I guess some high school public broadcasting program aired it. Here we gooo!

Still skeptical as hell about this

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Swifty opened the show with her usual dramatics and attempts to dance, but this time with fire! And sass because remember she is in her "badass" phase as is evident in her bangs. I don't actually remember a lot about this because I always find the music and theatrics around her performances pretty amazing while her vocals are meh. It's like having a sandwich made with the most amazing homemade bread while the contents of the sandwich are an old Kraft Singles wrapper. Disappointing and also confusing.

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I don't want to dive into the whole Swifty political sphere except to say yes, it's great and awesome she is using her platform to encourage young people to vote while also pointing out some candidates are literal monsters. But um, girl where was this two years ago? I'm still skeptical as hell of her and I'm pretty sure she has used the line "Do you know who I am?" at CVS when she's forgotten her ExtraCare card.

On the flipside, the entire "1989" album is a bop. So I remain conflicted. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers during this time.

In surprise to no one, she won a bunch of awards because I believe that was in her contract with the AMAs in exchange for her attendance.

Me whenever Mariah is introduced to perform:

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Nothing induces more anxiety than hearing "And now...Mariah Carey!" because you never really know what you're going to get. Will it be like New Year's Eve 2017 Mariah? Or will it magically be 1998 Mariah who can still hit a whistle note? Things ended up okay this time.

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She debuted her new song, which, it's unclear who asked for new Mariah music. I took a poll and we just want her to re-release the "Daydream," "Butterfly," "Rainbow" and "The Emancipation of Mimi" albums over and over again.

When you're casually stretching at the gym and a hot guy walks in

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Cardi, Bad Bunny and J Balvin performed "I Like It," and can y'all believe she had a baby like 3 months ago? For reference, I have had zero babies and the last time I tried to dance or stretch like that I dislocated my uterus.

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Their stage setup was by far, the best. And probably the most entertaining mostly due to Cardi. She proceeded to serve us looks from the audience for the rest of the night while yelling, which, "yells while wearing custom Dolce & Gabbana" is peak what I look for in a role model.

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SECTION WHERE I SCREAM ABOUT FIFTH HARMONY

I'm not going to critique their red carpet looks except to say Camila wins (per usual) because opting for pants that have pockets and allow you to squat and sit with your legs open, always wins. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES. This year, 3/5's of Fifth Harmony showed up, meaning we're gaining one member per year at the AMAs so by 2020 I'm guessing there will be a reunion and they'll perform "Work From Home" and I'll scream. I'm dying at Lauren's facial expression (far right, omg I can't believe I have to point her out to you). She looks like she just saw someone across the room unplug her phone from charging.

Normani and Lauren haven't dropped solo albums yet, so they were both just attendees at the Camila show. And I guess the AMAs forgot their ticket to Petty Town because we got NO reaction shots of either of them when Camila won any of her 50 awards or when she performed. What good are these award shows if not to fuel non-existent drama?

Anyway Camila performed her new song in this bigass gown and some gloves and the biggest question we were all faced with was should I get bangs???

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Okay and again, y'all know I love Camila, but it's like the AMAs thought she was the only attendee. We got approximately 4,568 shots of her during the night.

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Like, can we get some of Constance Wu, who was literally right behind her? Or Cardi? Or one zoomed in on Shawn Mendes' face? Which speaking of...

MY LITTLE CANADIAN BACON

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Shawn Mendes performed "Lost in Japan" because he is obsessed with me (hello - I grew up in Japan and I've been lost many, many times). And if you're wondering how the audience reacted to his entire performance, I'll let Carrie Underwood and this random woman speak for everyone:

It was adorable and my lawyers say I should remind you that he is 20 years old so our relationship is completely legal. Plus, I mean his last name is MENdes not BOYdes because he is a grown man.

Also, he won this award:

ADULT contemporary. An award that can only be won by an ADULT. And sure he can only buy us alcohol in Canada BUT THAT'S FINE.

Spotted: A wild Rami Malek

Speaking of boyfriends. Rami was there to promote his new movie about Queen that he plays Freddie Mercury in. Something about Rami really creeps me out, but also, I think I am in love with him? As the Nobel Laureate Selena Gomez once said, THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.

While we're on the topic of my personal life

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I think I'm also a little bit in love with Quavo? This is a new development. Per my interest in Lil' Wayne, maybe it's his face tattoos? I DON'T KNOW, OKAY. And anyway, he's dating Saweetie (which is cute). So that's the reason we can't date. The only reason.

Someone I am definitely not dating

Let me preface this by saying basically all of Post Malone's songs are catchy as hell. But something tells me that's not the only thing you can catch from him. Also, I feel like he probably smells like hot dogs and old socks?

My time machine worked

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And we're in the 90s! Real quick reminder that DUA LIPA SHOULD BE A BIGGER DEAL THAN SHE IS IN THE U.S. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. She gave us major 90s rave party vibes with this performance and where am I? HERE FOR IT. She wore this baggy pants + ho' top situation that I believe Julia Stiles invented back in the day and proceeded to have neon paint splattered all over her, a practice which was invented in "Miss Congeniality" (if you don't remember the paint drumming scene, please see yourself out).

To top it off, she ended the set by having it rain on stage! Which remains an over-the-top thing I'm obsessed with because it's so extra. And look, I am afforded essentially no opportunities to be onstage, but the moment I am given one, you better believe I'm gonna make it rain (literally, not with money).

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Anyway, it was the most fun performance and she sang live the entire time and most importantly she had the best brows of the evening:

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We also got back to the 90s with Halsey and her jeans + Jordans combo during her performance with Khalid and Benny Blanco:

Time travel is great.
   
TWO WORDS: MISS. AYYYYY.

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Missy Elliott came out for a remix of Ciara's "Level Up" and I felt like I was 14 again buying Adidas Superstars so I could dance to "Gossip Folks" (the shoes activate your dancing skills, duh). The "Under Construction" album remains one of the best and I will fight you.

Oh also, reminder that aside from Cardi, Ciara should've been the only one allowed to dance during the show.

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In case you're wondering, Carrie Underwood is a:

Great job, AMAs. This cracked me up for a bit.

Thank goodness, no Madonna

Remember a few months ago when Madonna come out at the end of the VMAs to "pay tribute" to Aretha Franklin and we, as a universe, felt embarrassed and upset and befuddled as to who let Madonna out of her crypt? The AMAs tribute to Aretha was the polar opposite of that. Actually, you can't even compare them. Gladys Knight, Donnie McClurkin, CeCe Winans, Ledisi, and Mary Mary all covered songs from her "Amazing Grace" album and it was unbelievably great. The best way to end the night.

And that's it! This fracking show was THREE HOURS LONG. What do the AMAs think they are? The Oscars? Titanic?

See you all soon! Til then, find me eating trail mix made mostly of chocolate while calling it "healthy food" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2016 Grammys?

I wasn't exactly stoked for the Grammys this year because Adele's album didn't make the cut to be considered, so I knew my overall "YAS" count would be greatly diminished. So, in light of this, I only watched 3 hours of pre-show coverage before the show.

Giuliana Rancic continues to haunt our dreams and real life. She wore a dress comprised of highly reflective mirrors, something I can only assume the evil queen from Snow White pieced together. Do you think Seacrest looked into each one and asked who the fairest one of them all was?

Hearing me complain about E!'s red carpet after every show must make you must wonder, "Kristi, why do you continue to watch it?" There is no logical answer. Sucker for torture I guess, and this torture is the worst kind. Hearing Giuliana say things like "I literally can't" every 15 seconds and "amazeballs" is how I assume war criminals are tortured. This gif isn't from the Grammys or even this year, but I find it highly relevant.

ONTO THE SHOW!


Swifty and Selena Gomez got new friendship bracelets

The Glam Bot is perhaps the only intelligent thing E! has put to use in the last 1000 years. I absolutely love slow motion. I wish during every work meeting, someone would ask "Where's Kristi?" And I'd pop through the door like this gif, but with a little more hair flipping, like "Yes, bitch, here I am." Now, let me preface this with the fact that Rihanna wasn't at the Grammys (CRYING ALL THE TEARS) and thus, the red carpet was wide open for slaying. Kudos for Tay and Selenita for capitalizing on the occasion. 

Additionally, Selena only wore that blue dress on the red carpet. She changed into this number for the show:

My guess is this was snapped right after Bieber came on stage and attempted to "sing acoustically." I don't even want to subject you to images or gifs of that because it was completely horrendous. The performance turned into something straight out of the Vans Warped Tour, circa 2008, full of long tank tops and teeny pants. Thoughts and prayers for everyone subjected to it.

I'd like to spend the weekend with The Weeknd

I'm wondering, is it possible to become pregnant via television waves? I feel in about 9 months my doctor will say yes. While I'm generally confused about the hair situation, his voice makes me forget about it. He wore a classy AF tuxedo to perform and he has the cutest dance moves, which sounds like a line straight out of my middle school diary. OMG DIARY, HE'S SO CUTE AND CAN DANCE. Anyway, to be honest I love him and Bella Hadid. I imagine they'll have beautiful children born with amazing voices capable of curing world hunger. But until then, if you want to spread the hashtag #McWeeknd that'd be great.


To everyone criticizing Adele's performance:

STAHP IT. 99% of the people shitting on her performance probably can't sing one line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" without cats dying. I mean, sure, her sound guy was probably fired and marooned to some unknown island in the Pacific, forced to listen to Nickelback on repeat for the rest of his life, but is that our business? No. Adele could literally scream along to the lyrically complex love song "I Don't Fuck With You" while having a terrible cold and on heavy drugs, and she'd still sound better than 100% of the population.


In the case we need to repopulate the world: Carrie Underwood + Sam Hunt

I was about as familiar with Sam Smith as Kim K is with "books." But this performance, you guys. Who do you even have a crush on more. I mean, I've loved Carrie Underwood for a while (my "country" music collection includes only her songs), but Sam Hunt where have you been all my life. Ok and yes, his voice isn't that great, but whose is compared to C.Woody (she hates when I call her that). Look, if some sort of apocalyptic situation occurs, let's ensure we get them to a shelter so they can repopulate the earth. The Weeknd and I will handle adding a little ethnicity to the mix.

Is James Bay maybe good looking?

Is this some sort of shampoo commercial, because the hair. James and Tori Kelly proved you can in fact perform acoustically without sounding like compleBieber shit. This was definitely one of my fav of the night, and it was just a mash-up of their own songs. Again, my heart questioned, "Do we find James Bay attractive?" To which I came to the conclusion that I'd let him serenade me in a park, but only if he also brought meatball subs. Or maybe some sort of charcuterie. Who doesn't love a good coot board. 

Chrissy Teigen has won pregnancy

I don't know if you guys are aware, but I'm mildly obsessed with Chrissy T. And by "mildly" I mean I've used Google Street View to find hers and John's condo in New York (which they've recently sold, so that creeping was a waste). Anyway, I'm pretty good at hiding my obsession (and the lower back tattoo I have that says "Love CT" above a dolphin jumping over a moon). But look at them. I can't even type my emotions. CT deserves a trophy simply for wearing white while pregnant. I imagine I won't be able to do that because I'll constantly be in a bucket of chicken wings or pancake syrup. She is a champion for women everywhere.


Final Thoughts:

• Kendrick Lamar, forever. I would buy an audiobook of him reading a 401K pamphlet.
• Who invited Kaley Cuoco?
• I continue my campaign against "Uptown Funk." I await some sort of formal reprimand against Bruno Mars for yelling at Beyonce to announce the winner of Record of the Year. You can't just yell at royalty. You can't.
• Who invited Ariana Grande?

I leave you with Tori Kelly.