What did we learn from the 2019 People's Choice Awards?

I want to be very clear that I did not intend to watch, let alone blog, the People's Choice Awards because if awards show season is a loaf of bread, the PCAs are the stupid butt end pieces. Unnecessary and generally impedes our progress in reaching the real bread.

Nonetheless, I opted in because ZENDAYA SHOWED UP?????

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Oh and here we are jumping right into best dressed too. Which, in this case isn't that groundbreaking since this show wasn't exactly dripping in A-listers. If anything, it was dripping in Fit Tea and Audible trials and whatever other shit Instagram/YouTube influencers hawk because they seemed to be the primary attendees.

Anyway, I knew that Jennifer Aniston, Gwen Stefani and Pink were blackmailed into attending (that's the only explanation), but I had no idea Zendaya would show up! Almost convinced me this show was real. ALMOST.

One note before we get into it: Much like paprika on top of deviled eggs, the people's "votes" don't actually matter. E! specifically notes: "NBCU reserves the right to make the final determination as to which of the nominees will be declared the winner of the category." AKA NBC JUST GIVES THE TROPHY TO WHOEVER WANTS TO SHOW UP.

So let's jump into the few things I'd like to discuss from this made up awards show with made up awards.

No reality show is better than Vanderpump Rules 

While it isn't surprising that Keeping Up with the Kardashians won the award for Reality Show because the Kardashian's puppet master Ryan Seacrest was born in the E! offices, it's still infuriating. If you've never watched Vanderpump, I'm gonna need you to block off a full week to do so and come to terms with the fact that your brain will be rendered useless (but for good reason). And look, did I start watching it because Chrissy Teigen and Jennifer Lawrence both love it? I MEAN MAYBE BUT WHO CARES HOW WE GOT HERE. Here are some gems that I am positive will convince you, a mature adult with a functioning brain, to watch:

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I want to watch a million seasons of this show for the rest of my life and then when I die, I want the show projected on my gravestone 24/7.

I also want to point out that I realize this entire section of commentary is ridiculous. But let me live my life as a raccoon rolling in TV trash.

In which Riverdale and Game of Thrones are nominated in the same category

...for TV Drama, of course because they're both serious shows. You guys. Riverdale. The show that gave us poetic lines such as this:

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The last episode I watched included someone being locked in a coffin, someone learning they absorbed their brother in the womb, a serial killer, a brother stalker and a boxing gang. THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE SPAN OF ONE EPISODE. If you're wondering how all of those plot points are connected, that's easy — they're not. I imagine the Riverdale writers' room is actually just one of those giant ball pits at McDonald's but the balls have nouns written on them and the writers just randomly select 10 for each episode.

And while the final season of GoT taught us that the writer-producers are just two idiotic frat bros at heart, the show still has some credibility. And by credibility I mean Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows and nothing else.

The point here is Riverdale is coming for that Emmy (lololol). Speaking of Riverdale....

What the hell is a Cole Sprouse

The "Male TV Star" category included (in order from sensical to laughable): Kit Harington, Sterling K. Brown, Norman Reedus, Milo Ventimiglia, Finn Wolfhard, Jim Parsons, KJ Apa and Cole Sprouse. I could not stop laughing when Cole Sprouse won. I mean, it was pretty clear that KJ or Cole would win since, well, they were both actually there and the qualifying factor to win is to attend. 

But wait, it gets better. The "Drama Movie Star" nominees were (from A to Z list): Leonardo DiCaprio, Lupita Nyong'o, Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson, Sarah Paulson, Taron Egerton, Zac Efron and...you guessed it, Cole Sprouse. I have scoured a heap of academic studies and journals to learn that at no point in history or post this horrific event will Leonardo DiCaprio and Cole Sprouse EVER be nominated in the same category.

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Cole of course won because you are Wile E. Coyote and I am the Road Runner and this is Looney Tunes. He actually found it pretty funny too because from what I can recall, his crowning achievement before Riverdale was that Disney show "Zack and Cody."

Also, no shade here. But I mean, I do have on sunglasses and I'm under this big ass tree and it's breezy and wait I guess it is pretty shady.

Oh honey, oh no

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Our Netflix boyfriend Noah Centineo won "Comedy Movie Star of 2019" for a movie that is NOT "To All the Boys I've Loved Before." He won for another Netflix movie, "The Perfect Date," which spoiler alert: is not as good. He then hobbled onstage (I wanna say he had knee surgery recently?) and while I enjoyed the visuals here, his speech was....less enjoyable.  It seems he read one Jack Kerouac book and felt the need to enlighten us with what I'm sure he thought was a thought-provoking statement. I have zero idea what he was trying to say but I wouldn't be surprised if he got it tattooed on his forearm next week.

And I'm not saying he should just be pretty and read scripts, but like, what if he did do that. Let's just give it a try.

Okay so nothing makes sense

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Not listing all of the random ass nominees in the "Drama Movie of 2019" category because what we need to hone in on is the fact that "After" won. In an embarrassing turn of events, I have actually seen this movie that's based on a fanfic about Harry Styles. A FANFIC, Y'ALL. And as the Mayor of Bad Movie Town, I happen to enjoy a lot of movies that people hate, so it's saying a lot if even I can't tolerate this one.

If I'm being honest, what would make this movie better is if we printed it out, crumpled it up, burned it, then buried the ashes in the deepest parts of the ocean with those fish that have flashlight horns. So, totally deserving of an award!

But this made sense

Blackpink won awards for Group, Music Video, and Concert Tour of 2019 and if you don't know who they are I'm gonna need you to take off that red nose because you look like a clown. They're a K-Pop group who are the equivalent of if it was just Justins and JCs in *NSYNC — the entire group can sing and dance. And in continuing this spiel, as a group they have an Adidas sponsorship and they each have endorsement deals with separate fashion houses (Jennie with Chanel, Lisa with Celine, Jisoo with Dior and Rose with YSL). 

What I'm trying to say is I'm a fan, but unlike some of the other dumb shit I like (Twilight), this fandom is warranted because they're actually talented.

Rounding this out by noting their video below is the most viewed music video by a K-Pop group (one billion views, wtf) and they're the most subscribed group on YouTube, so I guess that makes them good enough to win the illustrious People's Choice Award.

Editor's note here that the ONLY reason I'm not currently in a K-Pop group is that I'm too tan. Those girls are all pale as hell and mama likes to tan. Anyway, glad we established that's the only reason. The only one.

I still can't believe this

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We'll never know how in the actual hell E! got Jennifer Aniston to attend this JV bowling tournament of a show. I have to assume E!'s daddy company NBC has some sort of dirt on Jen from Friends days (like photos of GASP generic shampoo in her bag). But she showed up and reminded us that she still looks amazing and is the master of maintaining that fine balance of good botox and AHHHHH botox.

Also, I am positive she will use this award as doorstop in her guest bathroom, but will let you know next time I pop over for a Smart Water.

And that's it! I know I complained a lot, but that's only because these smaller awards shows are kind of pointless. So I will only watch every single one of them for the next 100 years.

Speaking of silly awards shows, I'm considering foreign territory with the Country Music Awards this week — so stay tuned for that if my brain can process doing it. Til then, find me calculating how many calories are in an entire package of Oreos (in case someone wants to eat them all in one sitting) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2018 People's Choice Awards?

I've watched a lot of awards shows — from the main dishes of the Oscars and Grammys to the side dishes of the SAG Awards and Golden Globes to the unwanted leftovers of anything on MTV. But this year's People's Choice Awards will go down as the worst ever. And that's saying a lot, because I once live streamed a small Canadian music awards show.

Anyway, E! thought that they could bring their television mastery to a show that in previous years has been pre-taped and hosted by Kaley Cuoco. So the bar was already pretty high. Let's jump into this overflowing dumpster!

Best dressed

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I AM SCREAMING. Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund won the award for Animal Star of 2018 and this entire show would've been infinitely more entertaining and legitimate had they just stationed a camera on him the entire night. He also looked better than any other wiener on the carpet and this is quite possibly the best use of E!'s Glam Cam ever. I LOVE A DRAMATIC ZOOM. Honestly, I will never understand people who have dogs and don't make them wear clothes.

Why is this happening to us

Rancic showed up wearing a rain coat from a Star Wars villain's closet and even she is wondering why we have to endure her. The way she's wearing this looks like what happens when you wear a tank top to bed and wake up with one boob hanging out of one of the arm holes. I guess that's what happened to Rancic. Fell asleep in this Guardians of the Galaxy coat and woke up just in time to torture us on the red carpet.

Awards are expensive

E! named 110% of the winners before the show even started because there are apparently 450 categories and everyone gets a participation trophy. James Charles won the award for Beauty Influencer and all I could focus on was the fact that his trophy still had the Target price tag on it:

I could not stop laughing. As if we didn't already know this show was one step above a Beanie Babies convention.

Remember when Rita Ora dated Rob Kardashian
Rita Ora made an appearance on the red carpet making her the most famous person to appear for the night. I'm not even throwing shade (or 50) because I actually really like her. Her voice is pretty great and I don't know if you've seen the Fifty Shades movies, but she's in them and just waiting for that Oscar.

Anyway, shout out to this guy who shares my same sentiments:

Okay, let's get to the actual shit of this shit show.

THE REASON I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WOULD BE GOOD

In measuring the level of my obsession with Chrissy Teigen, I'd like to think I toe the line for creepy, while never crossing it. But I'm really really really close, like constantly hovering over it. Chrissy and Mr. Chrissy (read: John Legend) didn't even walk the red carpet because they do not have time for Rancic's BS. Also pretty sure she just made John tag along to support her presenting the award for Reality Series (note: she LOVES Bravo TV).

Now, I'm not insinuating I started watching Vanderpump Rules and Southern Charm because she loves them. I am outright saying that's why I started watching them. I AM VERY IMPRESSIONABLE, OKAY. And just as I suspected, her refined taste in television did not disappoint as was most evident in this super deep moment from the last season of Vanderpump:

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Speaking of Vanderpump...

What do you think the combined IQ of this table is

Are all of the people on Vanderpump Rules horrible? Yes. But are they honestly trying to grow and mature and be better people? HAHA ABSOLUTELY NOT. But they're entertaining as hell. One time Stassi (middle blonde) told Jax (front right tux) that she was the devil and I truly believe her. This is the table I would've wanted to sit at. They spent the entire evening being loud as hell while drinking all of the alcohol at their table before I assume stealing it from Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund's table.

How existential is this photo of them taking shots with the words "Reality Show" in the background? I am an artist. Also, I do not fully understand what the word existential means.

This is all of them reacting to Chrissy saying she loves them, which I'm only including for Lala who seems completely unfazed. For those of you who don't watch this show that continues to be robbed of an Emmy, Lala dates an old rich dude, only flies on private jets, wears huge gold hoops all the time and sometimes drinks milk out of a bottle. All very normal things.

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THIS SHOW IS A MASTERPIECE.

In which E! gives an award to the most famous show on E!

Just a gentle reminder that these awards are not awarded based on the "people's votes." Who even knows where those votes go? I feel like when you submit your votes online, they are literally printed out somewhere straight into a shredder. Anyway, the Kardashians won the award for Reality Series and all I want to talk about is how fucking creepy Kris is:

Unless you are Cyclops (from X-Men) who has to wear sunglasses all the time to prevent himself from shooting lasers at people, you have no reason to wear sunglasses indoors. And okay I know there are other medical reasons, but the point is Kris is not affected by any of those. I actually don't know what steals my attention more, Kris looking like a predator or Kourtney's REALLY AMAZING BROWS???

Carson Daly has been wearing the same outfit for 20 years

He has legitimately maintained the same outfit, hairstyle and stubble since the early 2000s, which is both admirable and also wtf? Do you think his closet is just a bunch of black utility jackets and Hanes white tees?

What the hell is a Shadowhunter

I feel pretty confident in saying this is the only time "Shadowhunters" will be named the top show of any year. This was the point in the evening when I realized I had made a terrible mistake. The other nominees in the category included: "This is Us" (which makes sense), "Grey's Anatomy" (who even knew this was still on), "The Big Bang Theory" (I'll let you fill in your own commentary), and "13 Reasons Why" (why tho). FOR SHOW OF THE YEAR??? WHO CHOSE THESE NOMINEES, A PERSON WHO DOES NOT ENJOY TELEVISION??

Shadowkillers also won some other awards, but I don't remember which ones because I was too busy screaming WHAT IS THIS SHOW?

Okay Shay Mitchell, we get it

I even happened to take this screenshot when she was blinking and she still looks absolutely flawless, which is pretty rude. For comparison, here is what I look like when someone surprises me by taking a photo:

I find solace in the fact that she is a terrible actress. Trust me. If you've seen even 14 seconds of "Pretty Little Liars," you know this is true. So I guess she'll just have to settle for being ridiculously good looking and one of the faces of Adidas. Totally sucks.

Who tricked Allison and Melissa into coming to this

Did someone tell them this was a special ceremony for Meryl or something? Or that Ryan Gosling was handing out kisses? Did that woman in the black dress orchestrate all of this? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FINALE OF "THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL ALLISON JANNEY AND MELISSA MCCARTHY WOULD ATTEND THIS SHOW OF THEIR OWN VOLITION." Though I did really appreciate the fact that Melissa was seated next to Nicki Minaj.

If this ain't the poster for a new comedy series, I don't know what is.

When someone asks how many eyes and boobs you have

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How does Gwen Stefani look younger than she did in 1998? More importantly, should I try a middle part?

Victoria Beckham invented suits

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Look how nonchalant this boss ass bitch walks up to accept her Fashion Icon award. The whole hands-in-suit-pockets pose is such a power move that says "I run this" and also "I have peanut M&M's in my pocket." She was presented her award by Allegra Cole from "Hitch" whose real name I don't know and also should I know her from anything else?

Posh then included this in her acceptance speech and I hollered:

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Do we think I can wear this on casual Friday

Nicki wore this outfit that seemed to be made completely of belts and spiderwebs and I kept wondering how did she go to the bathroom?? Like did she have to unbuckle each of those belts? Have you ever been rushing home to use the bathroom and then have to frantically struggle to undo your belt? Can you even imagine what that would be like if you were wearing this? Nicki is a true hero. Also, she used her speech to shoot her shot with Michael B. Jordan by first thanking the designer for her outfit then saying "and thank you to Michael B. Jordan who will be taking this off of me tonight." YOOO NICKI. MY GIRL.

And that's it! While the PCAs were only two hours long, they felt like about 45 days. It was like some sort of cleanse, except instead of cleansing toxins from my body, it cleansed pesky brain cells.

See you all soon! Til then, find me eating pounds of pasta while claiming I'm allergic to gluten and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).