What did we learn from the 2019 People's Choice Awards?

I want to be very clear that I did not intend to watch, let alone blog, the People's Choice Awards because if awards show season is a loaf of bread, the PCAs are the stupid butt end pieces. Unnecessary and generally impedes our progress in reaching the real bread.

Nonetheless, I opted in because ZENDAYA SHOWED UP?????

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Oh and here we are jumping right into best dressed too. Which, in this case isn't that groundbreaking since this show wasn't exactly dripping in A-listers. If anything, it was dripping in Fit Tea and Audible trials and whatever other shit Instagram/YouTube influencers hawk because they seemed to be the primary attendees.

Anyway, I knew that Jennifer Aniston, Gwen Stefani and Pink were blackmailed into attending (that's the only explanation), but I had no idea Zendaya would show up! Almost convinced me this show was real. ALMOST.

One note before we get into it: Much like paprika on top of deviled eggs, the people's "votes" don't actually matter. E! specifically notes: "NBCU reserves the right to make the final determination as to which of the nominees will be declared the winner of the category." AKA NBC JUST GIVES THE TROPHY TO WHOEVER WANTS TO SHOW UP.

So let's jump into the few things I'd like to discuss from this made up awards show with made up awards.

No reality show is better than Vanderpump Rules 

While it isn't surprising that Keeping Up with the Kardashians won the award for Reality Show because the Kardashian's puppet master Ryan Seacrest was born in the E! offices, it's still infuriating. If you've never watched Vanderpump, I'm gonna need you to block off a full week to do so and come to terms with the fact that your brain will be rendered useless (but for good reason). And look, did I start watching it because Chrissy Teigen and Jennifer Lawrence both love it? I MEAN MAYBE BUT WHO CARES HOW WE GOT HERE. Here are some gems that I am positive will convince you, a mature adult with a functioning brain, to watch:

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I want to watch a million seasons of this show for the rest of my life and then when I die, I want the show projected on my gravestone 24/7.

I also want to point out that I realize this entire section of commentary is ridiculous. But let me live my life as a raccoon rolling in TV trash.

In which Riverdale and Game of Thrones are nominated in the same category

...for TV Drama, of course because they're both serious shows. You guys. Riverdale. The show that gave us poetic lines such as this:

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The last episode I watched included someone being locked in a coffin, someone learning they absorbed their brother in the womb, a serial killer, a brother stalker and a boxing gang. THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE SPAN OF ONE EPISODE. If you're wondering how all of those plot points are connected, that's easy — they're not. I imagine the Riverdale writers' room is actually just one of those giant ball pits at McDonald's but the balls have nouns written on them and the writers just randomly select 10 for each episode.

And while the final season of GoT taught us that the writer-producers are just two idiotic frat bros at heart, the show still has some credibility. And by credibility I mean Emilia Clarke and her eyebrows and nothing else.

The point here is Riverdale is coming for that Emmy (lololol). Speaking of Riverdale....

What the hell is a Cole Sprouse

The "Male TV Star" category included (in order from sensical to laughable): Kit Harington, Sterling K. Brown, Norman Reedus, Milo Ventimiglia, Finn Wolfhard, Jim Parsons, KJ Apa and Cole Sprouse. I could not stop laughing when Cole Sprouse won. I mean, it was pretty clear that KJ or Cole would win since, well, they were both actually there and the qualifying factor to win is to attend. 

But wait, it gets better. The "Drama Movie Star" nominees were (from A to Z list): Leonardo DiCaprio, Lupita Nyong'o, Brad Pitt, Samuel L. Jackson, Sarah Paulson, Taron Egerton, Zac Efron and...you guessed it, Cole Sprouse. I have scoured a heap of academic studies and journals to learn that at no point in history or post this horrific event will Leonardo DiCaprio and Cole Sprouse EVER be nominated in the same category.

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Cole of course won because you are Wile E. Coyote and I am the Road Runner and this is Looney Tunes. He actually found it pretty funny too because from what I can recall, his crowning achievement before Riverdale was that Disney show "Zack and Cody."

Also, no shade here. But I mean, I do have on sunglasses and I'm under this big ass tree and it's breezy and wait I guess it is pretty shady.

Oh honey, oh no

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Our Netflix boyfriend Noah Centineo won "Comedy Movie Star of 2019" for a movie that is NOT "To All the Boys I've Loved Before." He won for another Netflix movie, "The Perfect Date," which spoiler alert: is not as good. He then hobbled onstage (I wanna say he had knee surgery recently?) and while I enjoyed the visuals here, his speech was....less enjoyable.  It seems he read one Jack Kerouac book and felt the need to enlighten us with what I'm sure he thought was a thought-provoking statement. I have zero idea what he was trying to say but I wouldn't be surprised if he got it tattooed on his forearm next week.

And I'm not saying he should just be pretty and read scripts, but like, what if he did do that. Let's just give it a try.

Okay so nothing makes sense

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Not listing all of the random ass nominees in the "Drama Movie of 2019" category because what we need to hone in on is the fact that "After" won. In an embarrassing turn of events, I have actually seen this movie that's based on a fanfic about Harry Styles. A FANFIC, Y'ALL. And as the Mayor of Bad Movie Town, I happen to enjoy a lot of movies that people hate, so it's saying a lot if even I can't tolerate this one.

If I'm being honest, what would make this movie better is if we printed it out, crumpled it up, burned it, then buried the ashes in the deepest parts of the ocean with those fish that have flashlight horns. So, totally deserving of an award!

But this made sense

Blackpink won awards for Group, Music Video, and Concert Tour of 2019 and if you don't know who they are I'm gonna need you to take off that red nose because you look like a clown. They're a K-Pop group who are the equivalent of if it was just Justins and JCs in *NSYNC — the entire group can sing and dance. And in continuing this spiel, as a group they have an Adidas sponsorship and they each have endorsement deals with separate fashion houses (Jennie with Chanel, Lisa with Celine, Jisoo with Dior and Rose with YSL). 

What I'm trying to say is I'm a fan, but unlike some of the other dumb shit I like (Twilight), this fandom is warranted because they're actually talented.

Rounding this out by noting their video below is the most viewed music video by a K-Pop group (one billion views, wtf) and they're the most subscribed group on YouTube, so I guess that makes them good enough to win the illustrious People's Choice Award.

Editor's note here that the ONLY reason I'm not currently in a K-Pop group is that I'm too tan. Those girls are all pale as hell and mama likes to tan. Anyway, glad we established that's the only reason. The only one.

I still can't believe this

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We'll never know how in the actual hell E! got Jennifer Aniston to attend this JV bowling tournament of a show. I have to assume E!'s daddy company NBC has some sort of dirt on Jen from Friends days (like photos of GASP generic shampoo in her bag). But she showed up and reminded us that she still looks amazing and is the master of maintaining that fine balance of good botox and AHHHHH botox.

Also, I am positive she will use this award as doorstop in her guest bathroom, but will let you know next time I pop over for a Smart Water.

And that's it! I know I complained a lot, but that's only because these smaller awards shows are kind of pointless. So I will only watch every single one of them for the next 100 years.

Speaking of silly awards shows, I'm considering foreign territory with the Country Music Awards this week — so stay tuned for that if my brain can process doing it. Til then, find me calculating how many calories are in an entire package of Oreos (in case someone wants to eat them all in one sitting) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).