Because there really isn't enough snarky commentary out there, right?
Monday, February 10, 2020
What did we learn from the 2020 Oscars?
While I usually watch E!'s Oscars pre-pre show that starts 3 hours before the actual show, this year I opted out. Instead, I chose to watch the pre-pre-pre-pre-show that started at 1 p.m. THAT IS 7 HOURS BEFORE THE ACTUAL OSCARS. Do I think I deserve a medal? Yes and that medal is this gif of Laura Dern and Adam Driver to prevent the thumbnail of this post from being Rancic and Kristin Cavallari.
I don't mean to sound cheesy, but I love Brie (lollllllllll). Now that I think of it, she's pretty reliable for looking great on the red carpet and this was by far my favorite gown of the night. Pink seemed to be a popular dress color, but the jeweling and fit and MOFO CAPE made this one stand out the most. Also, the real hero of the night was Brie's fourth toe, hanging onto that shoe for its life.
As a reminder, I've been onboard with Brie since watching "Room" before going on a date (this was not a good idea, it does not put you into any sort of date mood). Brie Larson, here with the fashion and ruining first dates since 2018, I have to stan.
I know this look is pretty demure and you're like who is the designer? Through some deep research, I found out it's Chanel, complemented by some hawk ass talons. And while you may think those nails look difficult and hard to manage, you're forgetting that Billie Eilish was able to use them at the after party to dagger sliders and chicken fingers (they def serve chicken fingers at the Oscars after parties).
Our pale queen Saoirse reminded us that it's bangs season, once again stirring up my internal debate about getting them (note: please do not let me get them). I actually don't mind this dress either, even though it looks like it's made of Ursula (might as well make that rude ass hoe into a dress). And I will always support glittery, pastel-colored eye makeup from the early 2000s.
And I can't talk about Saoirse without talking about her Greta Gerwig-assigned soulmate — Timothee Chalamet. To everyone judging T. Chally on his valet looking uniform, you're forgetting his hot ass face can wear anything and make it fashun. This is actually Prada, proving that rich people will pay a shit ton of money for regular looking clothes if you throw the label PRADA on them. Also of note is his brooch, which is straight outta Cartier's Dracula collection (I assume). Timmy in this getup reminds me of the man from the Maytag commercials who I think is sort of attractive (let's not discuss it), so this is a win-win in my books.
"It's time to come alive because the Oscars is so white!"
Janelle Monae, who can sing and dance and act and I think last week she transplanted a kidney, opened the show with a tribute to the year's films. Background dancers were dressed as characters from some of the year's snubbed movies including "Us" and "Queen & Slim," something that I am positive the producers patted themselves on the backs for.
Brad finally won his first acting Oscar (he won his first as a producer on Best Picture-winner "12 Years a Slave") and per how well he flat ironed his hair, he did not come to play. He thanked Leo for letting him "ride on his coattails," which presents an opportunity for me to say I'd like to ride something on Leo, but I will not cease that disgusting joke opportunity because I am mature.
During his post-win interview, he again made a joke about Tinder and at this point, because I am mainly concerned with the facts, I need to say that there is no way Brad is wading around the cesspool of Tinder. He is def on Raya, the dating app celebs use and which I am banned from for the next 5-7 years. Only here with the facts!
After running through awards season scooping up all the awards, my #2 favorite white lady wrapped up the season with her first Oscar for best supporting actress (because her performance supported the entire Marriage Story film). She ended her speech by thanking her heroes — her mom and dad — and yes I got teary eyed because her mom was crying so much!
Moms are the best! And because it's important to point out, Mahershala Ali (who I was previously engaged to, unbeknownst to him) presented Laura with the award. I was reminded how his voice makes me feel like I'm drowning in a pool of smooth peanut butter, which is precisely the way I intend to go out (spoiler alert).
While we're on the topic of Laura Dern, let's all revisit this moment from the Spirit Awards (for those of you who missed it):
Lastly, I challenge you to show me a film where Laura Dern IS NOT remarkable and I'll show you my hand slapping your forehead while screaming "SHE CAN DO IT ALLLLL."
Here's the thing: the Oscars LIVE to disappoint me (yes specifically me), so I was mentally prepared for "1917" to come through and buzzkill the show. But, in events more shocking than finding out the serving size for Pop-Tarts IS ONE POP-TART (I'm still reeling), the Academy actually gave Parasite the respect it deserves (somewhat). It took home Best Original Screenplay, Best Director and Best International Film before nabbing the biggest cookie of the night — Best Picture. It's the first non-English film to win Best Picture and the first film from South Korea to be nominated for (and win) International Film.
I say "somewhat," because they excluded any acting nominations for the cast, which is obscene. It'd be like awarding a turkey sandwich "best overall sandwich" but not nominating turkey for "best sandwich meat" (that comparison was necessary for your understanding so you're welcome).
But overall, while the Academy loves to hype up terrible movies (*cough* Green Book), this year they awarded the actual best picture of the year. Parasite is such a uniquely amazing film that can't really be classified into one genre (it's a funny, dramatic thriller) and sorry, but we'll get another war movie like "1917" probably this summer. We won't get another Parasite (at least that's not poorly done on Lifetime).
I love that Bong Joon Ho took home all of these awards after calling the Oscars a "local" awards show. He used his two speeches before the Best Picture win to emphasize how ready he was to drink because the only thing Koreans love more than winning, is drinking to celebrate winning (yes I speak on behalf of all Koreans).
Wrapping this up with one last shoutout to the realest bitch of them all, Jessica only child Illinois Chicago:
Final note on Parasite — Sharon Choi, who has been Bong Joon Ho's interpreter during this U.S. tour, is also a director-in-the-making. She told interviewers she plans to make a movie about......awards season. I cannot wait to see the shade she artistically throws.
I guess with Parasite winning so much, the Oscars producers realized they just were not reaching their white guy max limit and put in an emergency call to the year 2002. Eminem showed up and performed "Lose Yourself" following a montage highlighting music we associate with films, and like Idina Menzel, I found this unbelievably confusing:
Like, there were so many other options? Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, would've been better. If we just played a recording of Gaga and Bradley Cooper's flirty-almost-makout performance from last year, it would've made more sense.
Though in full transparency, I've never been an Eminem fan because if I wanted to hear a white man yell at me, I'd go cut in line at a Whole Foods.
In a surprise to no one, Joaquin Phoenix took home the best actor trophy and after giving a pretty meaningful speech at the BAFTAs, I thought he'd give a similar one at this show. And....it sort of began like his BAFTAs speech — calling out sexism and racism in the industry — but it QUICKLY detoured into talking about cows and artificial insemination. I'm still having a bit of trouble connecting four about these topics, but I guess in general it's notable because I've never heard (and wish to never hear again) the words "artificial insemination" at an awards show.
Had the Oscars just been 2 1/2 hours of Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig doing bits + Parasite winning awards for the last 30 minutes, it would've been perfectly fine.
The last time this awards show season I can say I've got something Adam can drive
Oh my god you guys, get your mind out of the gutter, I'm referring to my car. He can drive MY CAR straight to city hall for our marriage license which will inevitably be rejected because he's already "married" (technically). And look, I don't know if it's the angle of the camera or what, but his hands look HUGE in this gif. And you know what they say about big hands.........they can hold A LOT of peanut M&Ms and I love nuts (PEANUTS YOU SICKOS).
And that's it! While the wins for Parasite were historic, the Oscars remain pretty terrible in most other aspects, including the lack of female director nominees. In a year where Lulu Wang gave us "The Farewell" and Greta Gerwig gave us "Little Women" and Lorene Scafaria gave us "Hustlers" and Marielle Heller gave us "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" (among the MANY other films), it was disappointing to see such a lack of recognition. And I might be too realistically pessimistic, but this year was probably a blip and my guess is the Academy will return to rewarding stupid movies again next year.
Speaking of stupid, see you all tomorrow as we continue our downward spiral on The Bachelor! Til then, find me trying to catfish Brad Pitt on Tinder by using Gemma Chan as my profile pic and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
It's like they soaked in tubs of Doritos before showering off in orange juice and rolling in rust. Glam.
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