Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by Madison staring directly into the camera while trying to gouge her own eyes out to escape this nightmare.

We made it to Fantasy Suites! Which, let's be real here, using the word "fantasy" to describe anything sexual with plain toast Peter is absolutely hilarious. More like "Meh Suites," ya heard.

In which Madi sort of tells Peter, but doesn't
Right after the departure of Champagne Face, Madison decides it's finally time to tell Peter she doesn't want to see his lil' Peter before they're married.

I love how the producers still tried to create a romantic setting with an airplane bench and caution lights. I am positive they attempted to drag out their bottomless box of candles before security at this airplane hangar (where the Rose Ceremony took place) was like "Um, no." Partially because it's not safe to have open flames on a tarmac, but mostly because we can't risk Madi's eyelash extensions catching on fire:

Anyway, Madi's spider lashes don't mention her virginity, but she does tell Peter that if he's intimate with any of these other women, she'll probs go home. This upsets Peter because his horny ass has been dreaming of Fantasy Suites since the show began. Their conversation ends in a sort of "Umm....okay...." type way, meaning Madison will absolutely be the last date of this episode because THE DRAMA.

As a note, Madison is the only one who hasn't told Peter she's falling in love or in love with him which is eating away at Peter and also lollllllllllllll.

Oh, we're in Australia now

Thank goodness the show provided this graphic. Since we were all dying to hear Peter offend the world with a horrendous attempt at an Australian accent, we head down under for the final weeks of what has been the worst time of our lives. Now usually, all of the women stay in separate rooms because having the women stay together while they're waiting for their number be called for Peter's D.....MV (lololol) is uncomfortable and not very nice. So this time, they of course make the women stay together.

Wouldn't be surprised if this was Peter's sloppy joe work.

First up: Hannah Ann
Hannah Ann is first to explore the Gold Coast with Peter and they kick things off by doing what they do best, unnecessarily abandoning a random item:

THAT'S RIGHT. They ride jet skis before getting onto one together AND JUST LEAVING THE OTHER ONE BEHIND. First the umbrellas, now this. Also love how Hannah is literally holding on to nothing here, just assuming Peter's bird legs are gonna keep her safe.

Exhausted after ditching that cumbersome second jet ski, they hang out on the beach and makeout:

Look, movies and TV shows are always out here trying to convince you that making out on the beach is sexy, but that shit is for the birds (literally, the seagulls are better equipped for it). That is, unless you like sand in your ass and various other crevices, in which case, go for it.

Later at dinner, Hannah emphasizes that she's all in with Peter and he tells her not to worry about how there are two other women left, which wtf. They then engage in some pretty terrible kissing:

After finally crossing the mandatory time threshold before Peter can ask Hannah Ann to go home with him, he offers her this card:

It's from Chris Harrison inviting them to stay together in the Fantasy Suite. Two things to point out here: 1) Is that key from some sort of sunken pirate ship and 2) Why is Chris Harrison always the Fantasy Suite provider? Thanks, I hate it.

Hannah Ann accepts and they head to a pretty bomb ass suite with a giant balcony and hot tub and most importantly, A BIG OL' COOT BOARD:

If it were me, I'd eat those entire blocks of cheese, down the champagne, then fall asleep on this outdoor couch while rubbing my belly like a Troll doll. Now THAT is a fantasy.

They of course ignore the coot instead opting to makeout on top of this comforter, which is like, the primary thing you should not do in hotels because they NEVER wash those.

Also, they're both wearing shoes, so can someone fact check and let me know — do white people just enjoy wearing shoes on the bed?

Hannah Ann returns to her Sisterwives hotel room the next day and this is her face while recounting her day/evening with Peter:

I'm sure it was an evening of unbelievable levels of "That was fine."

Next up: Victoria
For the first part of their date, Peter and Victoria head out on a helicopter ride (this one was free because it's the 30th one that's happened this season) where they proceed to really take in the views of the Gold Coast:

They then go on a hike before settling by a stream to do the one thing they're terrible at — talking. Peter reassures Victoria that he's always on her side and he sees that she's fought for this, even though she has threatened to leave the show like 4 times. They both agree to move past the drama of last week by essentially not talking about it ever again and resolving none of their core issues. Something else that remains unresolved is Peter's chapped lips:

This photo doesn't fully capture how dry they looked. This man, just out here rubbing his crusty lips across 3 different women, the terribleness really jumps out. Not to harp on his looks, but damn he looks haggard as hell. Makes me wonder why none these women didn't just find a nice Australian man (i.e. Liam Hemsworth) to marry instead.

Later at dinner, Victoria tells Peter it's important for him to know about her past relationships and why she is the way she is. She really wants to show her depth and we learn she is about as deep as a baby's bath. (As a note, yes I'm screaming about how there appears to be cupcake wrappers on their plates.)

Here they both are, killin it with the eye contact. Victoria shares that her last relationship was for 3 1/2 years and the guy never really asked about her feelings, which is why she thinks it's weird when Peter asks. And that concludes her sharing. About as enlightening as a broken lamp. Next up are her default lines of "I don't know what you want from me" and "I'm bad at talking" topped by her most well known #1 hit, "I'm really trying."

Victoria continuing her problematic reign is just what Peter wants, as he hands her the card informing them of the Fantasy Suite that Chris Harrison has reserved for them (remains weird, but okay).

Now, remember how Hannah Ann's suite was huge and had a balcony and hot tub AND coot? This is Victoria's suite at what I think is a Best Western:

After what I'm sure was a magical evening with Peter and his salami looking scar and sandpaper lips, Victoria returns to the group waiting room to express how amazing the night was:

Also, want to note that when Victoria returns to the women's room, she's like "You guys look cute" and they're like "You look skinny," and wow brings a tear to my eye because they really are forming deep, meaningful friendships here.

And now for the main (dramatic) event: Madison
After freaking out for the past couple of days watching Hannah Ann and Victoria have their overnight dates, Madison finally gets her date. Peter meets her on the beach in his best summery attire:

He tells her they're going to the top of one of the tallest buildings on the Gold Coast. After taking an elevator almost 80 stories, they then climb a bunch of stairs outside of the building for these views:

Shoutout to the producers for selecting this photo to memorialize their date, which features Madison blinking and her left hand looking sort of like a baby's foot. Now that they've reached the top and are dressed like two electricians, they do what makes the most sense:

We have to witness this intense make-out session for longer than necessary, like this is some sort of nightclub just as the lights are about to come on.

Later at dinner, Peter shows up wearing every top that he packed:

For comparison, Madison shows up in a spaghetti strapped short dress, so I can't even imagine how matted his little chest fur was with sweat.

Madison apologizes for making it seem like she gave him an ultimatum the other night and she wants to be very honest, so she shares that she's saving herself for marriage. She goes on to say that she knows whoever her future husband is will have lived a life before her so there are no guarantees he's also ordering the virgin margarita. But she wants to make her expectations super clear.

At this point, I REALLY want to emphasize that there is no comparison between Madison and born-again-virgin/overall terrible human being Luke P. from Hannah's season. Luke absolutely judged Hannah for her past, tried to make her feel guilty and less "pure" and just degraded who she was entirely, based on the fact that she had sex (even though he was literally a sex addict before).

With Madison, she's never told Peter not to do something, she's just shared how it'll make her feel. And that she can't imagine getting engaged to a dude 6 days after he's slept with 2 different women. Peter responds as such:

While he could've been processing what she said, it's also likely he was close to passing out from the heat generated in all those layers.

The situation then gets pretty uncomfortable. Peter tells Madison that he has been intimate with the other women, and somehow gets through saying that without high-fiving himself. Madison then leaves the table to think about her life choices that got her to this point. Peter gives her approx 3.5 seconds alone before coming outside to be like "sup":

She tells him she's torn between what she expects and needs versus what she feels for Peter and he practically begs her not to leave. They remain in this whisper embrace for, again, a second longer than you would expect, before Madi is finally like:

Super cute dress!

And that's it! Based on previews and the fact that this show actually entraps people, I'm sure Madison will be back in one way or another.

We are SO CLOSE to crossing the finish line of this marathon that has been like constantly stepping on Legos! See you next week for the Women Tell All! Til then, find me campaigning for Tia or Tayshia to be the next Bachelorette and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).