Let's chat about The Bachelorette Finale

If you're reading this, it's already too late (thanks Drake). Rachel chose Bryan and everything is terrible. I want to begin this post by stating that this was the first time I watched a Bachelor/Bachelorette finale and dear God I did not know this was the TV version of Moby Dick. THREE HOURS. THREE. 180 MINUTES.

And honestly, I have not felt more disappointed after watching 3 hours of something since I paid money to see Avatar (I will never get over the premise of them having "sex" through their ponytails).

Before we address the messy live show portions, let's revisit Rachel's final dates with the guys.

Any suite is a fantasy with Peter (ew I'm gross)
The episode picks up where we left off two weeks ago with Rachel and Peter beating a dead horse over the "not being ready to propose" issue. At this point, it's very clear that Rachel only wants a ring (man giving the ring is optional) and Peter only wants to propose once and takes proposing very seriously. He thinks it's kookoo for Cocoa Puffs to propose after knowing someone for three months while Rachel stares at him with this expression:

They go round and round where each of them says the same thing but with different inflection points and eventually Rachel is like this is dumb let's go to the Fantasy Suite (bow chicka wow wow).

Which, duh, of course she asks Peter to go to the Fantasy Suite, we should all ask him. I know I slide into his DM's every day inquiring about it. She thinks that she'll then "have clarity in the morning" to which I have many inappropriate jokes about, but my initial thoughts were YES GIRL, TAKE HIM INTO THE FANTASY SUITE FOR "CLARITY."

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Anyway, they wake up the next morning after a night of innocently reading classical literature and watching Freddie Prinze Jr. movies and the producers tease us by showing us Peter's bare back but no chest/abs shot, which to be honest is rude. I know it seems like I'm objectifying Peter but that is only because I am and I've endured months of this show so I think I deserve something. Also I don't know what he's cooking, but serve me a plate of it. I feel there's a chance it's like scrambled Gatorade with Cheerios because as we've learned, God doesn't give with both hands.

This one Fantasy Suite evening basically Men in Black erases their memories about how they want different things for the future and they leave the date feeling all happy and giddy. Dramz is obviously to come.

Rachel then spends her date with Bryan thinking about Peter

Because, duh. She claims it's because Peter got in her head. Okay and I know you want me to make the cheap, easy joke here and say "yeah got in her head and also her bed" and anyway yes that's exactly what I'm saying. And let me be very clear: I am not shaming her. I am literally giving her a standing ovation. 

So while Bryan is blabbing about cheek implants or light washed jeans or whatever it is he talks about, she's making this face, thinking about Peter:

Coincidentally enough, this is the exact face I make when trying to figure out when I should get a side of fries or a side of tater tots or both.

She obviously asks Bryan to the Fantasy Suite and they feed each other strawberries the next morning and honestly who cares because they did not eat the bacon. Here Rachel contemplates her tragic life decision to not eat the bacon.

Gee, I wonder who she sends home next

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Poor Eric. Tells a girl he loves her for the first time only for Rachel to be like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," which inflicts more heart pain than when you've poured a luxurious bowl of Fruity Pebbles only to find the milk carton in the fridge has tricked you and only contains fumes of milk. But he's sweet, and thanks for her teaching him about love and letting him love her and that he will probably always love her, which omg pull at my rusty heart strings.

Chris then brings out Eric to the live show and we all stare in awe of his revenge beard.

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Look, I generally save my loudest woo's for groups of Marines running by in those tiny green shorts, but Eric elicited one. He and Rachel exchanged pleasantries and he confessed how surprised he was when she sent him home because he was sure she would send Peter home since he was so against proposing. To summarize, Rachel responds with "It's not that I didn't love you...it's just that damn did you see how hot Peter was, omg, you understand right?" She also says it's hard to see him now, likely because he's hotter than a bag of bearded habanero peppers on fire.

Back to the final dates

Rachel takes Bryan on a hot air balloon and I don't remember much of this because once he appeared in some 80's light-washed jeans and a leather jacket, I was done with him.

Based on what I've seen this season, I imagine the majority of Bryan's "casual" clothes are dad clothes from the 80s with a few "trendy" items (like those God-forsaken jogger pants) sprinkled in so he feels hip. This was the point that I started to realize perhaps Rachel isn't as smart as I thought she was. As young women, we all learned that you never let a man wearing light-washed jeans and a leather jacket kiss you.

Okay also, I was generally confused about the temperature because Rachel showed up wearing this:

A crop top with two jackets? Where is she? Honolulu, Alaska? This is very confusing because the only time I Winnie the Pooh out with my belly is at a buffet and I don't see any trays of mashed potatoes near her, so I guess Spain has the type of weather that makes your arms and back really cold but your stomach hot. 

Fashion aside, they had a pleasant final date. He tells her it would be a mistake to not pick him, which no, we've already established the only mistake is that light-washed jeans + leather jacket combo. He also says that if he loses her, it will be the biggest loss in his life. Clearly the man has never experienced saving the last perfect nacho chip, full of guacamole and carnitas and sour cream and salsa, only to drop said chip, shattering every dream you've ever had.

But like, when you say you don't want to propose, what do you mean

Let me give you a recap of the conversation Rachel and Peter have for 500 hours during their final date:

Peter: I'm not ready to propose.

Rachel: Okay, but what do you mean?

Peter: That I'm not ready to propose.

Rachel: But like, what does that mean?

Things get very emotional and Peter tells Rachel that he loves her but he's still not ready to propose but wants to be with her and can't lose her because they have a future together. She then says her trademarked line, "I came here for a fiance, not a boyfriend" and then they both JT cry me a river and it's all very upsetting.

After they've had the same discussion 494 more times, they end the night with this odd "break-up." It was all very confusing because it seems like they're breaking up, but then they make out a bunch, and then Rachel leaves and Peter cries more and then they cut to the live show where Chris Harrison is all like "So they broke up." It's like when Game of Thrones abruptly ends every week and you're just sitting there covered in Cheeto dust and all you can say is WHAT?

They then bring Peter out, and to be honest, I was still in disbelief, thinking the producers were playing with us and Peter is gonna come out and propose and be like "jk jk y'all, we're in love." But this doesn't happen, instead we get this tension-filled reunion:

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We learn two very important things from their reunion:

1) Rachel is clearly salty as hell over Peter not proposing (ha that sux Bryan) and says "I'm living my best life" which is exactly what a person who is not living their best life says.

2) DAMN, PETER IS STILL FINE AS HELL. One last gif reaction to him because I don't think I've made it clear how I feel about him:

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In her quest to be more salty than some cured meats, she then says that the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette "process" is not for Peter. READ: RACHEL IS STRAIGHT UP TRYING TO SABOTAGE PETER'S CHANCES AT BEING THE BACHELOR. Which is so rude because I've already filmed portions of my audition tape and I cannot return any of these gowns.

So we say bye to Peter and at this point I was still thinking he'd return and be like "omg jk we're together!" because I'm an optimist who was hoping I would not have to be exposed to Bryan's cheek implants again.

Oh Bryan, you're still here? K cool, you can propose

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Do they always make the couple trek 100 miles to some castle atop Mt. Everest for the finale? How the hell did Rachel even get to the top with those shoes? If the producers made me walk uphill wearing some heavy ass bejeweled gown in some stiletto heels I would honestly pass on the whole engagement part. Like, can we just do it right here by the car where I can slide out and slide back in.

Anyway, Bryan is all who's left and so in a shocking turn of events, Rachel chooses Bryan! This is like when someone brings in assorted cookies and in the beginning there's amazing choices like chocolate chip, double chocolate chip and macadamia nut, but because you were trying to take a pic of a one-legged pigeon outside you return to find all that remains is fucking oatmeal raisin. Bryan is Rachel's oatmeal raisin. Peter was her Levain cookie. Which, for all of you non-New Yorkers, this is a Levain cookie:

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To make matters worse, Oatmeal Raisin gives her a pear-shaped engagement ring. PEAR SHAPED. The only thing we as women want to receive that is pear-shaped is an actual pear. Trust me, I've polled every human woman.

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So he proposes and no one cares and it's all just a poot in the wind. Which, speaking of wind, they seemed to be in the middle of a hurricane or something. God was quite literally trying to stop the proposal from happening.

I mean, between you and me, I've chatted with God a few times this season and he's always been like "Yooo, I hope it's Peter in the end. He's so dreamy." How do you argue with God.

So Bryan proposed because he was the last crumbly cookie left and Rachel obviously said yes and Bryan celebrated by squeezing Rachel's head like a melon. How many zits do you think he's caused her this season by constantly touching her face? 

In continuing the downward spiral, Bryan then joined Rachel on the live show and I'm not including photos because it was just more of Bryan melon squeezing her. When asked about their future plans, Rachel said "We're just taking things slow and taking time to get to know each other." BITCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. YOU MEAN THE THING PETER WANTED TO DO.

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And so this was how my hundred-year journey with this show ended. As you all know, I really liked Rachel in the beginning. She seemed smart, has an amazing career and great family, but damn girl way to ruin it in the end. Her ending with Bryan is like if Michael Phelps was leading a race and just meters away from the finish decided to eat a box of donuts. Unsettling to say the least.

I'll wrap this up by stating the things I am certain of in life:

1) Danity Kane's debut album is the greatest masterpiece in the history of music

2) TLC's opening song to "All That" is the best opener in the history of television

3) Rachel is in love with Peter and only chose Bryan because he would propose

From the depths of my Ursula heart, thank you for enduring this season with me! I'm proud of us for making it. Currently deciding if I should go down with this ship and watch Bachelor in Paradise, so we'll see. Also, find me here if you're interested in my musings in 140 characters or less.

See you later this month for the MTV VMA's! And maybe next week for the Teen Choice Awards, I haven't decided if I'm going yet with my date, Shawn Mendes, who is 18 and a legal adult.

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Let's chat about "The Men Tell All"

This week's post is brought to you by Rachel's face making this expression because it so perfectly encapsulates my feeling on TWO HOURS of the "men" allegedly "telling all."

They spent the first 15 minutes reliving moments from past "Tell All" episodes, which was honestly akin to a 45-year-old finance bro talking about his glory days as the high school quarterback. 

The main takeaway from these flashbacks to past seasons was that the only REAL "Tell All's" happen during seasons of The Bachelor because the ladies always have real tea to spill. These dudes are boring as hell. And I'm not saying it's because the guys are garbage and as deep as a thin crust pizza, but I mean if the pepperoni fits. 

As a random aside, I've realized Chris Harrison has kind of small hands. Small hands are something I am extremely, EXTREMELY creeped out by. And there is no weird sexual innuendo BS associated with this, I am just flat out concerned about people whose hands are not proportional to their bodies. In college, I sat behind a small-handed guy and he'd always put his hand around the seat next to him, providing me with a full close-up of his petite paws and anyway here's how I remember them:

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I wouldn't have noticed, but Chris kept flailing his tiny hands around and my eyes could not help but focus on their small, yet deliberate motions. Looking back at the screenshots I took, they don't look that small but I swear they did in the moment. My eyes are specifically trained to be on high alert for the circus-like threat of small hands.

DeMario is still a lying dumbass

I randomly captured this image and it's just hilarious because look at his dumb face. They discussed his dramatic exit after Rachel found out he had a girlfriend just before coming on the show, an event that if we may recall introduced us to Demario's gf, Scrunchie Susie:

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Never forget. DeMario proceeded to attempt to lie again about his relationship with Scrunchie, but as we've learned, he is about as good at lying as a slotted spoon is at scooping up soup. He called her a "random chick," adding that by Rachel and Chris' logic, he's also dating Rihanna and Beyonce. WHICH, BACK THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW. How dare his lying ass use our Lord and Saviors' names in vain like that. 

Rachel swatted away his attempt at lying, noting, once again, that he dated this woman for six months. To which he stuttered, then called Scrunchie a side chick and insinuated she was only a booty call by quoting The Weeknd's lyrics "I only call you when it's half past five." These pop culture references were all extremely random but at this point his mouth was spewing more poo than that scene in Bridesmaids. He then made some sort of Bill Clinton and Monica reference and anyway all we learned is that DeMario is still an idiot. But we are forever grateful for him making Rachel send him home like this:

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Lee attempted to save face, but is still an ignorant racist

The Kenny-Lee issue was of course brought up and at first, Kenny didn't outright call out Lee for essentially targeting him, Eric and Josiah. Instead, he says that Lee was "not really on the same level as the other guys" (read: Lee's level is below scum). 

Lee tries to slip on his "hey I'm a good guy, I'm just misunderstood" mask and admits that Kenny did not pull him out of a van, something that he repeatedly told Rachel and something he used as "evidence" for Kenny being "aggressive." Lee also adds that he's facetious and makes jokes at inappropriate times when he's "uncomfortable." Which, as a PSA in case you were confused: Jokes are funny but racism is not. Lee's past tweets, which are overtly sexist and racist, were also brought up. Anthony, Josiah, Will and Kenny all attempted to get Lee to simply admit his tweets were racist and that he was in the wrong. Lee replied by trying to play the ol' "I don't even know who that person was then" card, which boy bye. He finally said "I denounce that tweet and I know it is offensive" while also trying to say that the tweet was from a longer Facebook post that was cut off. A half-assed apology that's pretty similar to when someone apologizes by saying "I'm sorry that you thought that I said..."

Bottom line: Lee skirted the issue, didn't outright admit to his actions and probably won't change who he is. It's clear he came on the show to attempt to save face, but we all know he's still a very particular breed of ignoramus. We also learned that ignorant racists have horrendous fashion (which, duh) based on this navy suit, black vest, cerulean shirt combo. I guess it's hard to match your clothes when your vision is clouded with so much stupidity.  

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As if we didn't already know, Kenny is a precious dad

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Chris surprised Kenny by bringing out his daughter, which was too cute. He cried a little of course because Kenny has human emotions (something I cannot relate to). It was a real, precious moment in the middle of this hot garbage show, which was refreshing. They also gave them a trip to Disney Land to celebrate Kenny's birthday, which to be honest, might actually be better than getting engaged.

Thank God they identified some of the guys

Because to be honest I was still like "Who is that?" Even Rachel admitted to them being strangers by saying she wished she could've spent more time with Adam and Matt. They're both like that one guy in the boyband who can't really sing or dance but nevertheless is in the group (looking at you Chris Kirkpatrick).

Dean got a new wig

Can someone scientifically explain how Dean swoops his hair because what. I haven't seen a hair swoop so perplexing since 90210's Brandon Walsh, which wait, does Dean look like Jason Priestley? I can't actually tell because the fumes from the mousse and hairspray and gel are leaving me in a state of confusion.

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As a note, I was in elementary school when 90210 was on TV, which was obviously the normal age for someone to be watching a teen soap. And one summer while in Hawaii with my fam, we happened upon them filming episodes and I distinctly remember being upset that I did not have my Lisa Frank notebook for Ian Zierling and Tori Spelling to sign. This event formed the basis for my teen angst along with the realization that no boy in high school looks like Luke Perry.

Anyway, back to Dean. He told Rachel, again, that he was confused at her sending him home just days after telling him she was falling in love with him. She says that she was truthful and did have strong feelings for him (we can all hear the hanging "buuuuut" there). I wish she would've just admitted "Yeah Deaniebabies I liked you a lot, but have you seen Peter?" 

All of our feelings on Dean are moot anyway because as it turns out, he is also a flaming pile of garbage, and not just because he agreed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. A girl posted a pic with him on IG, captioning it "Went black, but came back," obviously referencing this moment when Dean first met Rachel:

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And Dean validated his dumbass nature with the reply "Lololol at the caption." Thankfully, our queen Rachel came through with a short and sweet reply:

Can someone get Dean a lifetime supply of aloe because this burn may never heal. Rachel casually rolling through, snatching every wig in her vicinity and anyway, here's to you Dean.

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And so that was 120 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, but we did learn something amazing and spectacular: THE FINALE IS NEXT WEEK. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, Y'ALL. WE HAVE FINALLY MADE IT.

See you then when we toss this baby bird out of the nest!

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

I know it seems like I talk about the lack of eating/drinking all the time, but my dedicated efforts clearly paid off because this week's episode is brought to you by ERIC WHO ATE FROM A BOWL OF FRUIT DURING A DATE.

I'm sorry this isn't an action shot of him actually chewing the pineapple, but look at how he is lovingly staring at it. Nothing brought me greater satisfaction besides that time I popped a pimple and it literally disappeared before my eyes.

This week, Rachel brought the guys to Dallas to meet her fam, minus her dad who is a federal judge and obviously has no time for a ridic reality show.

Rachel's family loves Peter (shocker)
Honey Sticks is first to meet the fam and those hazel eyes set the bar pretty high. Before they head to her Texas-sized house, Rachel takes Peter baby clothes shopping because that never in the history of dating has made a man nervous after less than two months of "dating." Her sister is pregnant, so they buy some things for the new baby and her other nephew and anyway here's my reaction to seeing Peter shopping for baby clothes:

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As if he needed any help in making him appealing to her family, he shows up with flowers for her mom and baby clothes for her sister. What if her sister wasn't pregnant? What gift would he have brought? I know if I was her, I'd want a bouquet of chicken nuggets. Or some bacon roses. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D WANT BOTH. IT'S 2017 AND WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS.

After being the recipient of the last rose last week, he opens his eyes and finally tells Rachel that he's falling in love with her. Which, I mean, that isn't that big of an announcement in the grand scheme of things. Because, what does "falling" even mean. Is it a sliding scale? Like if a hot guy in a bar winks at me then sends over mozzarella sticks, I'd say I'm "falling in love." It kind of insinuates that "Hey, I could possibly be in love with you at some point or not, who knows which way I may fall." 

Anyway, this is what Rachel has been wanting to hear because our dear Peter has been keeping his emotions more guarded than the secret recipe to Olive Garden's breadsticks. 

He chats with her family and charms them, then has a more serious conversation with her mom. He tells her that he cares for Rachel and wants to continue a relationship with her after the show with the hopes of marriage, but that he's basically not ready to propose yet. Her mom appreciates this and the fact that it's the more realistic step toward a lasting relationship.

So at this point, Peter has charmed Rachel, her pregnant sister and her mom, who else is important may you ask? 

COPPER. COPPER RETURNED TO OUR LIVES. IT IS A DONE DEAL.

Eric('s beard) continues to woo my heart

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First let me say that as Eric's facial hair grows, so does my love for him. Don't believe me? This is what he looks like now:

I haven't seen a beard cause my emotions to swing that much since I got my own beard surgically removed when I was 15. Back to the point. Eric opens up to Rachel's family and plays that ol' broken record of how he's never been in a serious relationship or in love before. This show treats him like he's never had Pop-Tarts before, which I would honestly have a bigger issue with. Because how can one understand deep, meaningful love if they have not experienced a Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart? THEY CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED. 

Anyway, Rachel's cousins say that Eric is "really sweet and really sincere," which we all know is a one-way ticket to Friend Zone City. Her whole family seems to like Eric, but maybe not LIKE LIKE him for Rachel. This is very much the case with Rachel's sister Constance who is hesitant about him because of his lack of relationship experience and the fact that his longest relationship was 8 months.

But he doesn't let this deter him and eventually asks her mom for her permission to propose at the end of the show. Her mom provides an eloquent response but the gist of it is this: "I mean if Rachel chooses you, then like whatevs, sure."

Sleazy Bryan remains sleazy

Bryan first gets to meet Rachel's friends for "brunch," which actually just consists of mimosas (though many scientists agree that is the only component required for something to be considered brunch). He continues to ooze sleazy charm on them and it seems to work as they both tell Rachel they like him. Are these girls actually her friends? Because first off, this is how every close girlfriend should look when meeting a best friend's partner for the first time:

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YOU HAVE TO BE SKEPTICAL AS HELL. And not just because you've seen your best friend throw up at a bar then fall in it and think she smells fine. But rather, because you want the best for her! And not some sketch ass guy like Bryan who claims to have fallen for Rachel within a week. Which, speaking of, here's Constance's reaction to Bryan in general once he comes to meet the fam:

Constance has zero time for Bryan's BS. She tells Rachel that he lacks a sincerity factor and seems like too much of a charmer. Actually, all of Rachel's family is immediately turned off by his fake ass and they grill him during lunch, causing him to make this dumbass face:

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Rachel was kind of pissed at them for being so hard on him but like GIRL THAT'S WHAT FAMILY IS FOR. If not to scare the shit out of a potential suitor, then what? Anyway, Bryan still asked Rachel's mom permission to propose and she gave an even more disguised answer than Eric's: "I trust her judgment, so you have my blessing to build on your love" (Translation: If Rachel's dumbass chooses you, I will be very disappointed and also upset, but whatevs). 

And we're off to Spain for Fantasy Suites!

Y'all, that tiny ass suitcase is what Rachel brought for two weeks in Spain. TWO WEEKS. I need for ABC to show me how many bags she actually brought because this is clearly a lie. As a reference point, here's what I bring on a typical weekend trip:

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Eric is up first and they have dinner and fancy wine in what appears to be a Game of Thrones castle, which as it turns out, it is! Their date took place in the city where Dragonstone's scenes were filmed. Sadly, GoT wrapped filming in February and The Bachelorette didn't start til March, making timing the only reason why we won't see Rachel and the guys riding dragons.

Eric tells Rachel that Spain is the most romantic place he's ever been to, which like slow your roll. He's clearly never been first in line at Bojangles for breakfast to get some freshly baked Bo-Berry biscuits. That is one of the most wonderful things you will ever experience in your entire life. And also after because I've prayed on it and Jesus agrees.

Anyway, they chat about his meeting with her family and no one pays attention to these fluffy and perfect yeast rolls:

He then tells her that he's falling in love with her and she invites him to the Fantasy Suite. They retire for the night to I assume, watch a marathon of Freddie Prinze Jr. movies while lightly snacking on pancakes, meatball subs and truffle fries. Because if ABC has the gall to call it a "Fantasy Suite" those things sure as hell better be included.

Next up is Peter. Rachel takes him to some cave for a wine tasting with this precious old man who tells them he's been with his wife for 57 years, then proceeds to sing to them. 

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He gifts them their own private mini wine cellar stocked with wine. You know, just a regular, every day date. After checking out their locker of wine, they go outside to stomp grapes like an episode of "I Love Lucy."

I'm assuming these grapes were not made into wine because I don't know if I want to pay for wine made from make-out grapes. Not when there's a perfectly good bag of Franzia right here.

They take one of their wine locker bottles of wine to dinner where the deep discussion begins. In beating a dead horse, Peter reiterates that he is not ready to propose. There's nothing a girl loves hearing more, over and over again, than her boyfriend declaring he does not want to marry her. In response, Rachel reiterates that she wants a proposal at the end of this show. 

They're both not willing to compromise on their marriage thoughts and they sit in silence thinking "Wtf do we do now" before Rachel starts crying and then of course the episode ends. GASP. 

Will Rachel ask Peter to the Fantasy Suite? Will they sort out their marriage disagreement? Will my brain explode before this show ends? Find out next week!

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Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

Excuse the major delay in this week's thoughts, I was extremely busy dedicating some time to reintroducing my skin to sunlight.

This week's episode is brought to you by the countless drinks Rachel doesn't drink while chatting with the guys' families.

I don't actually understand why the producers make her have a drink in her hands at all times. Like the uneaten food, all I do is WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT. Sorry, DJ Khaled outburst. All I do is stare at these glasses that are sometimes filled with whiskey or wine that NO ONE EVER DRINKS OUT OF. Are they even real drinks? Does the production crew get to drink them? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Anyway, to the hometown dates.

Baltimore with Eric

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So Eric brought Rachel home to Baltimore while wearing this denim getup which I was unsure of at the beginning and also at the end and also in between that. But, he had this scruff situation going on which I think made me love him?

So before meeting his family, Rachel and Eric played a friendly game of one-on-one because there's nothing more you want to do while wearing skinny jeans and heels than play basketball.

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Have you ever exerted yourself while wearing skinny jeans? It's hot as hell. The pants create some sort of leg sauna, seemingly causing the jeans to melt into your skin. It's a difficult science to explain but let's just say my legs have absorbed many pairs of tight pants.

So they played basketball, then Eric brought Rachel to his aunt's place to meet his family. She chatted with his aunt and his mom and did not drink her drinks with either of them, and all in all it was a pretty sweet hometown date. His family was really welcoming and they all seemed to get along pretty great.

Before Rachel left, Eric told her that recently he's been thinking "I really love this girl" and followed that up by mansplaining "What I mean by that is I really care for you a lot." This is kind of confusing because is he saying he loves her or just cares for her? Does he like her or does he LIKE her? I AM STRESSED.

Miami with Bryan

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Bryan welcomed Rachel to Miami by clenching her head and performing CPR on her face. Full disclosure here: I do not like Bryan and to be honest this hometown date kind of confirmed that. Between what appear to be cheek implants and his kind of Disney villain eyebrows, I just don't get the best vibes. And not just because he needs his mom's approval for everything, but let's dive into that.

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During Rachel's chat with Bryan's mom Olga, in which she did not drink her drink, Olga told Rachel "If you do not make him happy, I will kill you." And while Rachel laughed uncomfortably, I'm 120% sure his mom means this. The whole meeting was a little odd. She also told Rachel that Bryan is her life and that by marrying him, she's marrying his family.

Also, before all of this, the whole family took tequila shots which is of course a great idea to do when you're meeting a guy's family for the first time. I personally am not allowed to partake in tequila shots because I will take my top off. Literally off one shot. To be honest, this would make for a pretty funny scene for the show. Chatting with the whole family while being topless and no one acknowledges it. NO ONE TAKE THIS IDEA.

Bryan also became the first guy to outright say "I love you" to Rachel. A declaration she couldn't return because duh, it's still a competition, and also because he then immediately ate her lips after saying it. 

Okay all of this aside, including the fact that Bryan's mom would like for him to never marry anyone ever, my biggest issue with the hometown date was Bryan's outfit.

Important to note that this is actually how Rachel greeted all of the guys. I've never ran into a guys arms and had him pick me up (while sober) but I can't imagine it would end well. Partially because I'm built like a bag of cement so if the sheer force of me running at him doesn't take him out, I'm pretty sure my huge calves squeezing his core would. Back to the point: Bryan's wearing some wack ass polo from the clearance rack at Express and some of those dumbass jogger pants with the elastic bottoms. What is the point of the elastic? And please don't say fashion. Are guys afraid that they'll eat so much that their ankles will expand? 

Bottom line: Bryan reminds me of Gaston from Beauty & The Beast and I constantly wonder if his cheeks will deflate if I poke them with a pin.

Madison with Peter

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THOSE DRINKS ARE LITERALLY PROPS. THEY DID NOT DRINK THEM. Peter brought Rachel home to good ol' Madison, Wisconsin and introduced her to four of his good friends. They sat around their full glasses and Peter told the group about how he "accidentally" grabbed Rachel's butt on their first date which is how every solid relationship starts if you ask me. When I see a guy I like, I mostly just walk around him sticking my butt out, waiting for it to be grabbed. Because little do men know that once you grab the butt, I grab your heart. OHHHHH DAMN.

Anyway, they also walked around the market and ate pickles and honey sticks, which is my new pet name for Peter. Then they headed to his parents house to meet the fam and his niece was there and he was an adorable uncle and blah blah you know my feelings on Honey Sticks.

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We then continued this dance of Peter saying he may not be ready to propose during the finale in a couple weeks. And his mom reiterated this to Rachel, saying he'll be ready to "commit to a future" but perhaps not a marriage right then.

Brace yourselves, I'm about to get critical of Prince Peter: WTF? Peter knew the premise of this show before coming on right? There have literally been 150 seasons, all of which end in the guys going ring shopping before proposing. This is not a surprise, like oh we're trying something new this season where we end it with an engagement! Bitch the show started with Rachel saying she's looking for a husband. She's not trying to be in some sort of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell situation. 

Anyway, despite all of this, Peter remains my number 1 and because you're wondering, here's what my angle would look like if I was a camera person on the show.

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Denver with Dean

Dean welcomed Rachel to Denver wearing what I can only describe as maroon yoga pants. I have to assume they're stretchy leggings because he wore them while they rode ATVs. I don't know about you, but I can't sneeze while wearing non-stretchy, tight pants without them exploding like the Hulk's shorts. 

So they rode ATVs, then sat in this field and had champagne, as one does in the middle of a field, and Dean explained he hadn't seen his dad in 2 years. And that he is now a converted Sikh who goes by the name Paramroop. Rachel asks what she should call him, to which Dean says, "Paramroop." So, that clears that up.

Walking up to his dad's house, Dean is noticeably nervous and keeps saying "This is going to be awful," which always makes a girl feel good ahead of meeting her boyfriend's family. Anyway, they get inside and exchange pleasantries and then Paramroop decides to "play" the gong for everyone.

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They then all eat some sort of mungbean food situation before Paramroop asks to speak with Dean alone. Dean and his dad chat and things turn sour pretty quick when Dean basically tells his dad that he wasn't there for him after his mom died. Paramroop doesn't wanna hear that and walks out of the house. Rachel then tries to talk to him for a bit and he starts to talk to her then seems to notice the cameras again and walks away.

Bottom line: Dean has serious unresolved issues with his dad, but his dad is like "the past is the past, let's eat this organic quinoa."

In the end, Rachel sends Dean home. And not even for when he said this:

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Rather, I'm pretty sure she decided to send him home after seeing that he did not know how to use a bubble umbrella correctly.

THE POINT OF A BUBBLE UMBRELLA IS TO HOLD IT LIKE A BUBBLE AROUND YOU. AINT NO REASON TO ANGLE IT, THAT LITERALLY LETS THE RAIN IN. WTF.

Poor Deaniebabies. I wish they showed a compilation video of "best of" clips like they do when someone is eliminated from American Idol. Set to some sadass song. ABC continues to ignore the countless letters I've sent with show suggestions, written out with cut out letters like a ransom note.

So we're down to 3! Peter, Eric and gross ass Bryan. Next week, the guys get to meet Rachel's family and I have faith that her mom will weed Bryan out (ironic, isn't it). 

See you then!