Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 2)

While I wasn't sure about our Chili's server Arie last week, I am 100% positive this week that I am 450% not attracted to him at all. I have honestly been more attracted to a half-eaten Chipotle burrito that wasn't even my burrito.

And here is how I came to my decision that Arie is about as desirable as a leaky trashbag:

DEAR GOD WHAT DID THESE WOMEN DO TO HIM THAT HE HAD TO SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF THEM? Arie kisses like when you're trying to put a whole ice cream cone in your mouth. I mean I don't know, maybe these ladies were wearing cupcake flavored chapstick and he got confused and thought he was eating an actual cupcake in one bite. It's like he Googled "How to kiss" and watched a series of poor tutorials and this is what he came up with.

I guess Becca K. won

Boiled chicken chose Becca K. for the first one-on-one date, which turned out to be a pretty bombass time. It consisted of Arie introducing Becca to designer Rachel Zoe who then just gifted her a bunch of couture. He then took her to some scenic bench that this show just seems to have readily available at any location to give her a pair of mofo Louboutin heels AND Harry Winston jewelry. That's all the date was, Becca being in her own episode of Oprah's Favorite Things. I mean, yes, she was subjected to Arie sucking her face like a Ghostbusters gun trying to wrangle in a ghost, but Louboutin heels and Harry Winston!

It felt like the finale episode because during their dinner date later, this happened:

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At first I was like, oh cool I guess Becca won after only two weeks of this show, great! WRONG. She did get a rose though, obviously.

This is what the girls who are not on a date do

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They literally just sit around shooting the shit in full hair and make-up while drinking wine. Honestly, this is the better date to be on. On a couch with endless wine while I assume Lauren (it's always safe to go with Lauren) tells some story about the time she was so drunk that she pooped out of a moving vehicle. 

Annaliese had a traumatic bumper car experience

For the first group date, which included what seemed to be literally every woman in the house, Arie had the girls participate in a Demo Derby. For this, they all got junk cars and had to ram into each other until their cars stopped running. Everyone was excited for it except for Annaliese:

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We then learned in a Oscar-worthy explanation that she had a horrible experience on bumper cars as a kid. Was she hit by one? Ran over by one? Uh no. She explained that she was in one and got trapped between a bunch of cars and they were bumping into her. SO SHE WAS IN A BUMPER CAR AND EXPERIENCED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A BUMPER CAR. SHOCKING AND LIFE ALTERING.

Wait is this how old Bekah M. is

I'm not lying, when this came onscreen, I had to rewind and watch again. But calm down you guys, she was just Car 13 during the Demo Derby. While on the topic of Bekah, I think we can all agree that she perhaps isn't the brightest bulb in the box of broken lightbulbs. I'm not one to call someone dumb because everyone has their strengths, but look, one time she asked me how to spell orange.

Also later before the Rose Ceremony during her time with Arie, she wore a fur coat and said "I always have to have a fur coat on me." Aside from the fact this is a ludicrous comment, here is her not wearing a fur coat during the same episode:

I'm not always negative because like I said, everyone has their strengths. Bekah's particular strength is that she has great hoops and I'm honestly considering getting some like this. What are everyone's thoughts, should I go bigger?

RIP to all the uneaten charcuterie

So Krystal won the second one-on-one date that mostly consisted of them ignoring charcuterie, or as we call it in the eating biz, coot. TWO INSTANCES OF UNEATEN COOT. TWO. Once while they were on the private jet to Scottsdale, Arizona, where Arie is from. And then the second time while she was meeting his parents. Because yes, that's what you want to do on your first date. Ignore a lovely cheese and crackers plate while you fly to meet the parents of some guy you barely know.

Krystal loved it though and Arie obviously gave her a rose while they both ignored plates of mashed potatoes. I know you're probably thinking "How can you even tell what that is?" BITCH, I KNOW A MASHED POTATO WHEN I SEE ONE.

Throwing in a final note on Krystal that she is kookoo and now everyone in the house hates her. She spent most of the time before the Rose Ceremony trying to steal Arie away EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAD A ROSE. Bibiana eventually spoke up for the house and told her off and we all cheered.

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Who is this?

I could not remember who this was (Lauren?) but they kept showing her and this was always the face she was making. EVERY TIME. I'm pretty sure the producers were just showcasing those amazing brows she's got going on. Even though they're bordering on marker'ish, they're still pretty great. So good for you, Marker Brows, you can stay (and she did as Arie gave her a rose and I still don't remember her name).

Favorite of the week: Seinne

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So we already knew that Seinne was way too good for Arie purely based on how gorgeous she is. This week we learned that she's really really too good for him as she told him that she went to Yale. She's now a commercial real estate agent, which, Arie also claims he's in real estate. But for all we know, when he says he's in "real estate," he could mean that he lists his basement for rent on Craigslist. Anyway, the takeaway is that Seinne should be the next Bachelorette. 

Let us pray that there is less Arie-ice-cream-eating-kissing next week. See you then!