Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by my guest appearance during Arie and Lauren's date. Don't judge me, I was tanning and also I haven't shaved in a while.

Okay Zooey Deschanel, we get it, you're quirky
First up for dates in Peru is Taxidermall. She really feels like Arie is her best friend but she's still unsure about getting engaged. And she wants him to look past her "quirkiness" and that she is into taxidermy and plays the ukulele and essentially everything about her to see the "real" her. Which, when you take all that weird shit away, I'm pretty sure she's just an extra from The O.C.

She and Arie go dune buggying, which is pretty cool if not just for the goggles. And while you're thinking, wow, being in an open vehicle with sand and shit flying at your face, there's no way Arie can do his mouth eating, right? Wrong.

Shoutout to ABC for this really weird shot of Arie's hand trying to dislocate Kendall's shoulder. They then tried out sand surfing, which is also pretty cool, but apparently when Arie says "sand surfing" this is what he means:

Because there's nothing a girl wants more than to have sand all in her hair and clothes and down her asscrack. So after this "sporty" part of the date that must've left Kendall with some sandburn, they get changed for the more serious part of the evening as deemed so by the dark mood lighting.

As is tradition, they ignore some scrumptious looking food, WHICH THIS TIME IS PAN FRIED DUMPLINGS:

OR MAYBE CRAB RANGOON? Anyway, Kendall wears this super cute jumper, which, wearing a jumper is a feat in itself. I went through a phase where I thought I wanted a jumper, but then I finally tried one on to find that it aims to create a camel toe, wedgie and boob wedgie at the same time. Essentially your entire body wants to eat it. So bravo, Kendall.

As it turns out, she came prepared by wearing this, as she knew Arie would sit with his hand like this:

Um, that's not where the dumplings are, if that's what you're searching for Arie. So they talk and Kendall brings up wanting Arie to know more about her than her quirks and he puts on his broken record of "I love that about you." This time, he also adds in "I want to know you on every level," which I think means he wants her to come to his basement to play every level of Super Mario Bros with him. They both admit they're falling in love and then there's lot of MMM'ing and right on cue, this begins:

Arie looks like his breath always smells like Fritos. Or Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles. Anyway, Taxidermall accepts his offer to spend the night together and they stay up all night "talking" and before she leaves in the morning they compare hand sizes. I wonder how hard it was for Arie not to say "MMMM, you have hands. I love that about you."

This week, on Laguna Beach

There is no way these women do their own makeup, right? They always have PERFECTLY painted faces and not to discount anyone's Kylie Jenner abilities, but there's no way they're all just master contour specialists. But I liked this montage of Lauren applying her own lip gloss. Lean in!

Lauren says she "feels like" she loves Arie, which is something you say while trying a new item at Taco Bell that has potatoes in it or something. Also, it's been a "long time" since she's seen Arie, so she's excited and they have a lot to talk about. So here they are catching up and just gabbing each other's ears off:

Arie looks like he's trying to use Lauren as a body pillow, which is every girl's dream. While he's doing this, he feels like she's too much in her head, when in reality I think she's trying to focus on breathing. She later tells him that she sees a future with him, but that the stronger her feelings grow, the stronger her fears do that she'll have her heart broken. Arie tries to reassure her by offering a Shakespearean-like quote of "It scares the shit out of me to think of you leaving me."

So after pillowing Lauren, they go to to dinner and she has a bigass glass of what I assume is just tequila and lime:

Lauren reveals that she could not have done this without Arie, which um yes, that is correct since this show is called "The Bachelor" and Arie is "The Bachelor." Arie tells her that he was surprised at how fast and hard he fell for her and blah blah he tells her he loves her. She lets this marinate for a bit, much like the chicken they're ignoring, before telling him she loves him too and obviously accepts his offer to spend the night together. They then move to a couch where she proceeds to makeout with him while keeping her legs crossed which I think is akin to riding a horse side saddle. Ladylike!

They later move to the bed and BOTH OF THEM KEEP THEIR SHOES ON. SHOES. ON THE BED. WTF. The next morning, Lauren says she's happy they got to "talk" and that she got a lot of things off her chest. And if you think I'm going to make some dirty joke that the thing she got off her chest was her bra, then yes that's what I'm doing. DO YOU, GIRL.

As it turns out, Becca is really popular
So Becca is the relationship that Arie is the most sure about and feels is the safest. I'm only going to recap a few items here so we can cut to the juicy juice. They go on a boat and he pulls the ol' Titanic trick which is forever cheesy and never romantic unless you are literally Leonardo DiCaprio. Proof:

They tell each other they have no doubts in their relationship and eventually exchange I love you's before she accepts his offer of spending the night together. After dinner in one fancy ass tent, they retire to another fancy ass tent to ignore a plate of strawberries. ABC then offers us what may be the worst camera angle in the history of camera angles, giving us a close-up of both their feet as if we're watching some weird porno about people with huge legs.

Okay let's get to the good stuff. After they return from their date, this dude, who looks like he could crack walnuts with his neck, pays Arie a visit:

It's Ross and he's Becca's ex who has come to sweep her off her feet after failing to do so during their 7-year relationship. He just hasn't stopped thinking about her for the year they've been apart and has come to win her back and propose and I'm sure he did this of his own volition and ABC had nothing to do with stirring the pot. Haha jk, those producers are literally just spoons, not even humans.

So obviously Arie, who looks like he could fracture his arm by pushing on a door too hard, tells Ross to speak his piece to Becca but if she rejects him, he should respect her wishes and let her and Arie be. Ross then leaves to surprise Becca and anyway here is her reaction:

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Things are really awkward for a few minutes aside from Becca saying "WTF" and also "I knew you would do this" as if she has been on another dating show where he showed up before she got engaged. HOW CAN YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO FIND YOU IN PERU? Here's a summary of their conversation, which ABC filmed all shakily as if it was some intense war documentary:

Ross: I love you and I haven't stopped thinking about you and I want to marry you
Becca: Bruh, this is not The Notebook
Ross: But I can be Ryan Gosling
Becca: Bruhhhhh, nah, I don't know you, please leave so I can win, I mean fall in love

Meanwhile, Arie is "mad." For real. He is so "incredibly pissed and so angry." Because you're wondering what the scene looks like when Arie is Hulk'ing out, here he is:

Terrifying. It's not often that you meet someone who has less emotional range than Kourtney Kardashian, but alas, here he is. Luckily, Becca comes to calm Arie's rage and lets him know that she is over Ross and only wants to move forward with him. While she's saying all of this, he's making this face, I think contemplating if he should've tried to makeout with Ross to alleviate the situation. Maybe next time.

Wait, we have to talk more about Ross
Now that we've established that Becca chose Arie over Ross, I thought it would be academic of us to study her decision and pass judgment on if it was correct. We already know Arie, so let's dive into some background on Ross.

He is a strength coach for the Stanford football program (this explains dat nice booty doe) and played college football for Minnesota State University (where I assume he met Becca). And that's about all you need to know words-wise. Here are some photos (from his Instagram, where I creeped for far too long) to facilitate our academic exercise:

I provided both a shirt-on and shirt-off photo to be well-rounded in our research. GOOD LORD. Go on, Becca. Based on my research I can confirm that Ross is hot AF. I am completely baffled over Becca choosing boiled chicken Arie over this beef tenderloin. 

"Kendall, can I talk to you"
After all of this drama, we finally make it to the Rose Ceremony. Standing ovation for all of these dresses. Taxidermall, Lauren Boring and Popular Becca did not come to play with you hoes.

Arie is nothing if not repetitive, so he asks to speak to Kendall again, which prompts this reaction from Becca and Lauren that honestly made me love Lauren more. I am 94% positive she feels the need to vomit because her brain just reminded her what Arie looks/sounds like when he's eating.

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So this time, Arie breaks it to Kendall that he thinks they aren't there in terms of getting engaged. And Kenny essentially agrees and says she's glad Arie was in her life even though they're not at the same place. Y'all, she did not look sad at all, which I'm not faulting her for. If anything, she looked relieved as hell because she can finally get back to LA to her ukulele and dead animals and those big ass grapes her parents serve.

We then have to witness the most pointless Rose Ceremony and the show leaves us with a shot that looks like a photo for a pamphlet promoting a polygamous sister wives cult.

I want to point out that this episode wasn't nearly as dramatic as I would've hoped and no one named Arie got punched in the face. I have a feeling we're all going to want to do that next week per Caroline's admission that she "knows what he did." See you all then!

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by this random screenshot of Caroline I got when my computer froze:

It surprises no one that I loved her outfit because it was essentially a white tailored suit with a black sports bra underneath. What I like to call "business casual," but what my boss continually says is not.

While this season has been a flaming pile of Fritos, I knew the Women Tell All episode would deliver.

Best friends alert
The beginning of the episode was essentially just a Jerry Springer roundtable where all of the women talked shit about each other all at once. This helped me realize that I do not remember 33% of the women. I also immediately noticed that ABC sat Tia and Seinne next to each other. This made for great moments like this when Baby Bekah was spouting some BS about being misunderstood or misrepresented or not having big enough earrings:

Seinne's facial expressions are only bested by her actual face, which is flawless. It's like we can hear her saying "What is this baby crying about?" Also her dress gave me major Aaliyah vibes, which are vibes I am always seeking to surround myself with.

Here is some more of SeiTia later. While I don't remember exactly what Seinne was saying, I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "I did not go to Yale for this and y'all are wack as hell. Tia and I have decided to start a band."

Also, Tia confirmed her adoration of Seinne via E!'s Instagram story (where she kind of live IG storied the night) by saying that Seinne is just as perfect in person as she seems on TV:

Reminder that Jenna is a North Carolina treasure

As deemed by me. Jenna only got to speak once when Chris Harrison asked her what she thought when she found out that Arie was the Bachelor. To which she had the above reaction and said "I mean, I was doing the thing of liking older guys so, I was like okay."

Also later captured this moment of her sleeping because my girl Jenna multitasks:

I'd like to think that in this moment she was dreaming about whether or not to get a corn dog or a hamburger as the side for her Cook Out tray (If you've never been to Cook Out, please Google Map the closest one to you and go immediately). I believe she was also taking this moment to ask God why she wasted so much of her Carolina goodness on this garbage dude.

Also, Marikh is gorgeous and if there was a way that I could shave my head, become a Chia Pet and grow hair like hers, I would do it.

Can't wait to see Krystal on Bachelor in Paradise

And I don't even watch that show, but I plan to start because I am 145% sure that Krystal will be on it. I'm dying at this shot because of the tiny Arie, which actually plays well into Krystal's conversation with Chris Harrison. We got to see unaired footage of her post-bowling date meltdown wherein we learn that Krystal called Arie a "needle dick." And look you guys, 1) That is rude and hurtful and 2) HAHAHAH PROBABLY TRUE, AM I RIGHT? I bet Jenna would high-five me for saying that.

Worse though was that in that same clip she called the other women a word that rhymes with "punts." Several women had things to say to Krystal during her time on the couch, including Seinne who said she didn't have to call them desperate.

Also at one point, one of the women (who went home on the first episode and therefore I cannot remember her name, vv sorry), brought up Krystal's voice and how it sounds completely different now as compared to her time on the show. WHICH WAS SO TRUE. YOU GUYS. Krystal's voice on the show was like if Emma Stone sucked helium out of a balloon then tried to impersonate Betty Boop. But strangely enough, her voice now sounds pretty normal. In response to this, Krystal said she "lost her voice" right before the show and that's why she sounded like that. Chris Harrison was kind enough to point out "But uh, you sounded like that for...a month and a half?"

We got another dose of her later when we were forced to see Arie for more than our usual allotted two hours every week. I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE WOMEN TELL ALL, NOT HERE'S MORE OF ARIE THAT YOU DID NOT ASK FOR.

Krystal said their goodbye felt cold, which if we all remember correctly, it kind of was. Arie, being continually void of real human emotions, said it felt appropriate especially considering how different she was with him as compared to how he actually is. We then got back on this same, never ending hamster wheel of Krystal saying she was hurt by his actions post-bowling date and that she didn't like having to fight for his attention against the other women.

And now, while I'd rather trudge in dog poop all the way to work every day than have one conversation with Arie, I died laughing at him telling Krystal "This is the Bachelor" in response.

Reminder: Seinne was the one most out of Arie's league

Of all the random times I've taken screenshots of Seinne, I don't think I've ever taken a bad one. I can't even imagine what it would be like to see her in real life except to say I'm positive I would cry.

During Seinne's couch time, she said she was confident that her and Arie were not meant to be together to which everyone on the planet and Jesus affirmed "Yes, correct." She said she was "at peace" about not being with him and at this point I just wanted her to be honest and say "Look, I went home and reflected on this bogus time in my life and realized I am a 10 and Arie is a -235."

Anyway, she's single and dating and "open to love," but hasn't met the one yet, which, I mean if Seinne is single, I find it completely fine that I am too. I'll probably start bringing her photo with me to family functions so that when someone asks why I'm single I can just show her pic and be like "SEINNE IS ALSO SINGLE, SO IT'S OKAY."

Lil' Baby Bekah is here to tell you she isn't a lil' baby

If there's one way I don't want to be remembered on The Bachelor, it's as the girl who threw up a bunch of mini corn dogs during the Rose Ceremony. But also, as the missing girl! During Bekah's Dr. Phil couch time, Chris Harrison had to of course bring up her missing person situation. She explained the story again about how basically she was on a marijuana farm without reception and couldn't call her mom so her mom panicked and filed a missing persons report.

This entire incident taught me to ensure my mom knows which photo of me to use in any situation with the police. And for the record, so all of you know, this is the photo I would like used:

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I really wavered between this one and my Sports Illustrated cover, but went with this one because I'm shy and reserved.

Anyway, Bekah said she got so sick of the women and even Arie bringing up her age. She followed this up by talking nonstop about her age. If we remember correctly, she is the one who asked Arie, "Wait, do you know how old I am?" Meaning, she was like "HEY MY AGE. DID I MENTION MY AGE. MY AGE" and then everyone was like "Oh, hey, Bekah's age" and she was like "WHY ARE WE BRINGING UP MY AGE?"

In continuing to rehashbrown everything, Bekah brought out a bat to beat this dead horse about Tia telling Arie that she wasn't ready for marriage. Tia said she decided to tell Arie after Bekah asked a group of them if any of them had anyone in mind back home to date. Tia said that while she regretted telling Arie, she would've regretted it more had she not told him, aka, Tia pulled the ultimate Demi Lovato Sorry Not Sorry.

STILL CAMPAIGNING FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

Full disclosure: As you know, I love Tia and therefore this entire section is just me praising her and screaming about how she must be the next Bachelorette.

I have to first point out this bombass outfit. I think it might be a romper? Mostly based on her Instagram post:

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It's either a romper or her full ass is just on Caroline's white pants. Loved this because it reminded me of our short time with Tia'Line. Okay also, when I get leg transplants, I plan to show the doctor this pic and ask for Tia's. Not like, her actual legs because that is creepy AF and also illegal I think.

Before chatting with Tia, Chris Harrison first made her relive her journey on the show, something that actually all the women were forced to do. I always hate this part because it's like "Oh, remember that really painful time in your life? HERE IT IS ON A HUGE SCREEN IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE!"

It'd be like if I went to the movies and they decided to replay that time I tripped and fell while walking to the band room in middle school. In front of bus loads of kids. While carrying my actual flute. Actually, no, reliving a "relationship" with Arie has to be more devastatingly embarrassing.

Tia said she was in love with him and was really mad at herself after he broke with her for feeling like she wasn't good enough. It also really bothered her that he couldn't give her an explanation. I want to bring up again that Tia crying in that episode literally broke my heart (yes literally) because you could feel how much she cared for him as he looked on all dumbfounded like a baby who had just discovered his own hands.

She added that Arie was so different from anyone she has ever dated, which I mean, if Arie is high-quality to her, Arkansas must really have shitty dudes. But anyway, she now sees what she deserves and is open to falling in love again which is good because TIA FOR THE BACHELORETTE 2018. Throwing in this last shot for good measure.

Wait remember Jenny was the best

The only thing better than reliving Jenny laughing at Annaliese's "traumatic" bumper car experience is watching Jenny crackup while reliving her laughing at Annaliese's "traumatic" bumper car experience.

And while we didn't get to see much of Jenny this season, as it turns out, she did come to make friends. When Arie sent her home, she walked out without hugging him, which he took to mean she was upset. And when he caught up to her to do his usual pigeon coo'ing of "It's okay" she was like "NAH BITCH, I'M NOT SAD TO BE LEAVING YOU, I'M SAD TO BE LEAVING MY FRIENDS." And it was the best moment of the entire season.

Also during the unseen clips, we got a moment of her telling Arie that he has no butt and that he is essentially a 90-degree angle. JENNY FOREVER.

CAROLINE, WHAT DO YOU KNOW

After Arie came out (I'm sparing you a shot of this, but in a shocking turn of events, he wore that same blue suit he always wears), Caroline yelled "What would you do differently?" And he said that he would do a lot of things differently and did have some regrets, to which Caroline took the spotlight of the evening/season by saying: "Arie said he was looking for a wife...and...anyway, I know what you did and I don't understand and I hope you find what you're looking for."

This makes the finale sound like it's gonna be dramatic as hell and I'm here for it. My guess in regards to Caroline saying "I know what you did" is that Arie attempts to make out with Lauren's mom. Or maybe her dad. Or both. And everyone knows you can't just make out with your future wife's parents in the first year!

Ending this post by saying that per Tia's Instagram story for E!, she said by the end of the Women Tell All, she and Bekah were yelling "Needle dick!" and also "Whip it out!" and that is how I think every episode of The Bachelor should've ended this season.

See you all soon for fantasy suites! Wait no, not like I'll meet you at the fantasy suites. Unless you are Michael B. Jordan. Okay, you get it. See you all soon!

*Author's note: For everyone's sake and to maintain some level of sanity, I did not mention the montage of clips ABC tortured us with of Arie making noises while smacking food. Please do not ever bring this up again.

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's episode is brought to you by my girl Tia, who endured 8 weeks of Arie's bullshit only to be broken up with for a girl who literally told him she wasn't ready to get married:

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Arie learns what the word "taxidermy" means in Los Angeles
We kick off hometown dates with Taxidermy Kendall who welcomes Arie to Los Angeles by bringing him to her dead animals studio. She shows him a bunch of taxidermied animals and our beloved Arie responds like this:

I am positive he is reacting like this because he doesn't know what "taxidermy" means and assumes it is creatures who have recently died from doing their taxes. But Kendall eventually dumbs it down enough that Arie gets it and of course they sit down to taxidermy some rats, creating what appears to be an ad for a new dating site that I do not want to be a part of:

Kendall literally says "Here we have some rat skins." WTF. WHEN IN YOUR LIFE HAS SOMEONE SAID THAT AND YOU HAVEN'T FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE? Anyway, after this weird ass portion of the date that I think was included to prove to us that hey, taxidermists can be hot too, they go to Kendall's parents house for dinner.

They first engage in small talk which I didn't care about because the coot was once again ignored. And look at those big ass grapes! Also really liked the positioning of that porcelain buddha to face the camera:

We discover that Kendall's parents are apparently huge "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" fans because Kendall's twin sister's name is Kylie. This girl is actually my favorite because she's wearing some silky pajama top and thick ass gold hoops:

And the bold red lip color! So typical of a Kylie. She is skeptical as hell of Arie and tells Kendall that she doesn't think Arie is her "undeniable love." Um yes that is fact because this show is just a glorified version of that TLC show 90-Day Fiancee. Essentially all of Kendall's family shares the same doubts, but they say they "trust Kendall's judgement." I'm not sure what track record they're going off of, but based on the fact that she let a show record her playing an ukulele to a dead animal, I'm going to say her judgement isn't the best.

At this point we also learn that Kendall is not ready to be engaged yet because YES THAT IS NORMAL SHE HAS ONLY KNOWN THIS GROSS ASS MAN FOR 8 WEEKS. She tells Arie that she's on her way to getting there and also admits that she has trouble talking about her feelings, all of which is lost on our broken lightbulb Arie who replies with "I love that you're talking to me" and also "MMMMMM" like she's a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Tia brings a little wiener to Weiner, Arkansas

Tia welcomes Arie to her hometown by jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around him because I think all of the women are contractually obligated to do so:

And Arie reiterates where he is because even he is in disbelief that this is real life and he's dating all of these women at once and this isn't just an intense session of playing The Sims. Tia takes him to a dirt track where they race cars, which is pretty cool to be honest and anyway this is what she looks like after driving in a hot ass car around a dusty, dirty track:

I'm glad we can agree that it is outright unfair that Tia is gorgina and smart and funny and just a nice person. For reference, this is what I look like after driving around in even the slightest wind or heat or air or any element:

They then head to Tia's parents house for dinner, and I immediately decided it was my favorite place because of this specific reason:

PIGS IN A BLANKET! AND A BOWL OF PIGS OUT OF A BLANKET! Oh God. I am salivating looking at this. Little known fact for all of the men reading this hoping to court me, all it takes to win my heart is a big ass platter of pigs in a blanket with a side of tater tots while you blast Danity Kane. Textbook way to a woman's heart.

After they do a pigs-in-a-blanket cheers, Tia's brother Jason talks with Arie. He lets him know that he's heard Arie is a "playboy" and known to be kind of a player to which all human beings on the planet replied with:

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It's important to distinguish a "player" from a "man who somehow weaseled himself onto a show that creates a psychologically confusing environment that convinces women that they like a garbage dude." I had barely recovered from laughing when Jason said he thought Arie was a "bad boy." A BAD BOY. HAHAHA. YOU GUYS, ARIE. A BAD BOY. The only thing bad about Arie is his face. And personality. And also his fashion.

Arie also obviously spoke with Tia's dad, a precious southern man with a bombass handlebar mustache:

In the end, Tia tells Arie that she loves him and I have a feeling she couldn't hear me screaming "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER, HONEY." He punishes her proclamation of love by tangling his greasy pigs-in-a-blanket hands in her hair while aiming his mouth at her face:

What's her face brings him to Minnesota

Yeah that's right, Becca is still here you guys. She greeted him in the that way she is required to and we got to see it in a totally non-creepy way through some bushes:

They go apple picking and do some other white people stuff and we are forced to watch Arie destroy an apple with his mouth as if the apple is alive or something. Luckily, the producers maintain this weird voyeuristic camera situation so the leaves and branches mask some of the carnage:

Later they go to this little stand to make caramel apples and while dipping the apples, Becca says "You have to stick it in all the way," which I'm sure Arie has heard before. HAHA OMG EW GROSS YOU GUYS, STOP IT.

Arie meets Becca's family for dinner, which includes her mom and a few of her uncles who are especially protective of her since her dad's death. Her mom shares some of her concerns about the whole process and anyway here is Arie's face while she is being open and honest:

Honestly I think his brain could not formulate an intelligent response because he's so used to just eating a woman's lips when he doesn't know what to say. But like, you can't do that to someone's mom, ya know. He spent most of the conversation looking like someone asked him to divide 30 by 10, but he doesn't have 30 fingers so he doesn't know how to calculate it.

Future wife Lauren B. brings him to Virginia Beach

How the hell did none of these women rip their pants? I bet those rips on Lauren's knees are literally from this moment of jumping into Arie's arms. Also, anytime I've done this (and it's been pretty rare) my ass crack has always shown. Very reliable. 

The show saved Lauren for last as if we needed any other sign that Arie is definitely picking her and she brought him to Virginia Beach where her parents live. They first rode horses on the beach and held hands, which sounds cheesy but also kind of hard? To cling onto the horse with your thighs while reaching for someone's hand. No thanks.

In continuing this terrible Hallmark movie, they go to the top of a lighthouse to hug and stare off into what appears to just be barren land:

Also at one point, based on the background and lighting, their date became an episode of Laguna Beach (which coincidentally enough also featured several Laurens). You could throw this shot into an episode and people would just assume it's Lauren Conrad's new neighbor here to steal Jason away while also taking over the charity fashion show.

After horsing and lighthousing around, they make their way to Lauren's parents' house for dinner and we are all shocked to learn that her family is whiter than a loaf of Wonder Bread at a White Wine tasting in White Plains, New York. Her dad, who is a Navy vet, comes off pretty intimidating and says that if Arie hurts Lauren, he'll kill him. That's great and all but the best part is Lauren's mom making this face 98% of the time she is near Arie:

MAMA LAUREN B HAS ZERO TIME FOR ARIE'S FUCKERY. She is skeptical the entire time and keeps telling Arie in several different ways that she doesn't think this process is the most reliable. She asks him about the other women on the show and if he says the same things to them that he does to Lauren or if he compartmentalizes each relationship, which anyway she loses Arie at that point because he has no idea what "compartmentalize" means. I assure you he was shocked he pronounced it correctly on the first go. He says he is genuine in what he says to Lauren and wouldn't say it to the other women which, as we all know as viewers with eyes and ears, is a lie. He says the same recycled shit to each woman like his brain is just a looping teleprompter. 

He eventually asks for her permission to propose should the time come, to which she basically says "Eh, I mean, no but like I guess if Lauren likes you, there's nothing I can do which sucks because you are about as much of a catch as an old shoe."

Want to note here that Lauren has been engaged twice before, most recently to Chris Crane, a professional hockey player who kind of looks like a mix between Tim Tebow and Chris Pratt:

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I'm not saying Lauren is downgrading but haha jk that's exactly what I'm saying. The previews for next week seem to suggest that one of the ladies' exes shows up and I hope it's this dude who looks like he could make Arie cry by sneezing.

OFFICIAL CAMPAIGN FOR TIA TO BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

So Arie shows up to the Rose Ceremony in the same old ass suit he wears every week complemented by the same constipated expression:

He decides to be extra dramatic this week and asks to speak with Kendall before handing out roses. Here's a summary of their convo:

Arie: I don't know if I should keep you around if you aren't ready to be engaged

Kendall: I'm not ready to be engaged

Arie: But are you ready to be engaged

Kendall: No

Arie: K, coo

So anyway HE FUCKING GIVES HER A ROSE. And sends Tia home. You guys. I hate this show but I love Tia and felt so bad for her. She was crying and asking Arie's dumbass what she did wrong (nothing, she did nothing wrong) and as we all know he is about as good at comforting as he is at kissing (read: atrocious). Tia going home set off a few emotions, which I'll let my girl Cardi B express:

Me when Arie said Kendall's name over Tia's:

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Me remembering a critical fact about Tia in regards to Arie:

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Me realizing this means Tia can be the Bachelorette now:

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Still sad to see her go because she was the last of my favorites and it's going to be boring as hell to watch Arie pretend to like Becca and Kendall when he just wants to propose to Lauren. But so glad that Tia can be the Bachelorette! Proof that sometimes when life closes a hideous door, it opens a window leading to several hot men. A hot men window, if you will.

Anyway, I'm off to mentally prepare for two episodes next week. See you then!