Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by Tia making this face while impersonating Connor, who she thinks is a douchebag.

Which, speaking of...

*LOSES BREATH

My little beef wellington Connor arrived this week! I can only assume that God mixed equal parts of "hot" with "really hot" along with a dash of dimples to create this man. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to see shirtless Connor in person. I only hope I have some detergent handy so I can do my laundry on those washboard abs.

Anyway, Connor arrives and I'll just let Krystal and Jenna speak for all of us:

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Krystal so bravely admits that Connor is her type, which spoiler alert: Hot is everyone's type. Jenna adds to this by describing Connor as a Greek god that she would like a memory foam pillow of. I love Jenna.

And apparently, Connor came here for Krystal because they have so much in common! Here's a comprehensive list:

1) They're both personal trainers
2) ...

So he pulls her away to chat first and tells her that he came here to meet her. She admits that she also came on the show hoping to meet him. She then throws in a Kim K-sized but with "....but I'm with Chris now and we're in a good place." Connor says he understands and it seems that he'll move on to ask one of the other blonde women on a date.

While Connor and Krystal are talking, Chris is like:

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He repeatedly says he's "confident" and not worried at all about Connor, but his knees that are bouncing more than messages sent to a fake email address I gave a guy once, say otherwise.

Krystal returns to Chris, who is clearly afraid he's about to be dumped again. You can actually see relief washing over his face when she tells him she's smitten with him and would deny a date card with Connor.

But then cut back to Connor, who within that 3 minutes of Krystal's chat with Chris, has decided he still wants to ask Krystal. So he pulls her aside and says he knows she has a thing going with Chris, but he would still like to get to know her. So he asks her and she says yes. HAHA Y'ALL. She goes over to Chris to tell him that Connor asked her and she said yes because she wants to ensure she's "being respectful" of everyone. And this is the face of a man who is clearly not fine:

I wish Krystal had just been honest and told Chris "Um Connor is fine as hell so I'm def going out with that little filet mignon. See you when I get back, byeeeeeee."

So Connor and Krystal go on this "spiritual" date where a dude buries them in the sand and wafts giant leaves over them before Connor crawls around howling like a wolf.

It's like the producers let Krystal write this entire portion of the episode. They obviously ended the date by making out in the water because if you go on a date with Connor's hot ass and don't kiss him, your family will be cursed for life.

But even after all of this, Krystal comes back to Chris. Very confusing.

Why does Kenny keep coming on these shows
If we may recall, Kenny left Rachel's season of The Bachelorette because he didn't want her to meet his daughter unless they were for sure about their relationship (which, she ended up choosing giant hair plug Bryan, so it's a good thing he left).

This week he decides to leave BIP because he can't miss his daughter's recital. Okay and y'all, this again makes complete sense. But here's the thing, WHY DOES HE KEEP AGREEING TO DO THESE SHOWS? Does he think they film in one day or something? Someone should really tell him that the whole point of The Bachelor franchise is to rip you from your family, true friends and rational thinking to place you in a scenario that convinces you that you're in love with whatever moving object is in the vicinity of you.

Anyway, Annaliese is really upset over this since she's pretty much put all her eggs in his basket.

But then, thankfully a new egg basket shows up...

Things I don't care about: Kamil
Annaliese is "heartbroken" over Kenny for approximately the amount of time it takes to eat one M&M. The moment Kamil arrives, she is in love and I can already see the note she's written him asking him to go to the winter formal.

The things that Annaliese says she and Kamil have in common:

1) They've both had "traumatic" experiences at carnivals
2) ....

Kamil ultimately chooses Annaliese for his date and they ride in a buggy across some rickety ass bridge before making out under a waterfall.

I still don't really like Kamil based on how he acted during his 15-seconds on Becca's season of The Bachelorette. Remember, he was the 60/40 guy? Who told her she should meet him 60% of the way and he'll go 40%. No. I never forget these dumbass things.

I love Canadian bacon
I've always felt kind of blah about Kevin. Until this week. He admits to Astrid that he wishes they had some strife in their relationship to test their bond, also addressing the big fat elephant in the room that the environment of Bachelor in Paradise IS NOT NORMAL. And he's just skeptical of the whole experience because so far, he's 0 for 2 (dumped on Canada's version of The Bachelorette and by Ashley on Bachelor Winter Games). In response, Astrid is initially like:

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She assumes Kevin is like all of these other garbage dudes who want to "test the waters" with all of the ladies. But he clarifies that she's perfect and he is just scared of her breaking up with him because she's all he wants. YOU GUYS. I know I hate this show, but you can actually tell how genuine he's being. And he has a reason to be skeptical, since he has (seemingly) found happiness on the show before only to have reality be like NAHHH BRAH.

Anyway, Astrid finally sees where he's coming from and tells him how strong her feelings are for him. And they have a really cute date that includes a fake TV and a tray of snacks and we all realize that beefy, firefighter, James Marsden-looking Kevin is a sweetheart.

"Kissing is a handshake in Paradise"
As a reminder, Kendall likes her Skechers (Leo) but she loves her Prada backpack (Grocery Joe). She still can't decide which one should get her coveted rose, but luckily, Kevin helps her finalize her decision. He accidentally mentions that Leo kissed Chelsea, thinking that Kendall already knew (since everyone else on the show and across the globe and universe knew). From this moment, I mostly want to point out this disgusting ass couch lounge thing that Kendall and Kevin chat on:

Anyway, after Kevin spills the beans, Kendall is like WHA and decides to confront Leo about it.

And you guys, Leo morphs into every cliche of an asshole guy from every movie. He says that "everybody is kissing everybody" and that his kiss with Chelsea was more of a "peck" to "get to know her." I gotta tell you, I meet a lot of new people pretty often and not once have I kissed any of them on the mouth in an effort to become acquainted.

So as Kendall is confirming that he did kiss Chelsea, Leo claims that everyone is lying to which Chelsea asks "everyone is lying about you kissing Chelsea?" And Leo suddenly becomes an engineer with the number of wells he produces. "WELL WELL WELL no WELL they're not lying about me kissing Chelsea but WELL they're lying about everything else." Kendall's reaction:

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Prince Charming continues his spiel by telling Kendall she's an excellent actress, insinuating that she faked having a great time on their date and having any interest in him. And with that Kendall realizes he's worth about as much to her as a used Band-Aid.

And if by this point, everyone didn't think Leo was a ding dong, he goes around saying there's a snitch and how kissing isn't a big deal on Paradise. This is the face of a cool, calm and collected dude that totally doesn't turn off all of the women and humans in a 20 mile radius:

He keeps yelling that there's a snitch and also "Everybody is kissing everybody!" sounding like me when I failed a test and told my mom that "everybody" did bad only for my teacher to tell her that I was literally the only one who failed. TEACHER'S ARE SUCH SNITCHES. Kevin eventually tells him he told Kendall by accident, but that she deserved to know.

Anyway, with Leo out of the picture, things seem back on track for Kendall and Joe, who might be the most loyal guy on the show. Except wait they're not, because Kendall isn't done with this show's platter of free samples.

The show completely glazes over the fact that Jubilee went home after John told her he only wanted to be friends. So now he's free to get in this really long line to win Kendall's affections. They sneak away for a bit to chat and end up kissing, which only makes Kendall realize she's done with all these free samples and ready to buy a full-sized cup of Joe.

And y'all he's just been patiently waiting while she explores her "curiosities" and welcomes her back with open arms.

The Jordan/Jenna/Benoit triangle becomes a line
Here is Jenna after she tells Jordan and Benoit that she won't kiss either of them until she chooses one of them:

Haha, I love Jenna. She spends most of this week with a raspy voice, I assume because of all the drunk yelling she does. And I mean that as a compliment. If you don't speak at max level volumes when you're drunk, what is even the point.

After canoodling with both of them and making us think she's going to pick Benoit, she chooses Jordan, leaving Benoit to scramble to find a connection with another blonde woman. Which leads us to...

Welcome to Chelsea's season of The Bachelorette
At this point, everyone is coupled up except for Chelsea and four dudes: Connor, Chicken, Benoit and Venmo John. So ahead of the Rose Ceremony, they all flaunt their feathers, attempting to convince her that they all of a sudden have a strong interest in her when Connor has literally never spoken to her.

Benoit tells her that he could see a future with her, which I hope by "future" he means the next episode because claiming to see a long-term relationship with someone you've said 4 words to is a little kookoo. Unless you are me and those 4 words are "Oh, hi Shawn Mendes."

Eventually, Chelsea follows her heart's liking for dad jokes and picks Venmo John.

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Makes me want a hot dog real bad

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During the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Colton surprises Tia with some hot dogs because she said she was craving them. See, this is what men should always do. A woman says she wants food. Man then surprises her with it. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. They proceed to eat hot dogs then makeout before fighting with a couple of the wieners. I love them and won't be silenced.

Tia also does this pretty great bro impression of Connor and says she thinks he's a douchebag. Which, yes, that is likely 120% true. But it's like they say: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; See a Connor once in your life and you feed that long-term memory forever.

Also I love that Tia and Colton are just this normal couple now with zero drama. We get so many shots of them just napping or sitting around. But, with this bliss I can only assume angsty drama is around the corner. I've seen enough seasons of shows on The CW to know this.

"Grocery store bitch"
Ahead of the ladies giving out their roses, Leo obviously knows he isn't getting one. So he uses his last opportunity in Paradise to berate Kendall and insult everybody. What a catch, ya know. He ends his crazy ass speech by wishing Kendall good luck with "grocery store bitch." Which, in his defense is kind of funny.

Joe yells at him to say it to his face (which, I thought he already did) and they decide to fight this out by getting as close to each other as possible. Whoever exhales the most air loses. Leo actually ends up throwing his drink on Joe before one of the show's producers flies through the air to prevent them from fighting.

And with that, we bid crazypants Leo adieu. Along with Connor, Chicken and Benoit.

Go big or...please go home
We start to wrap up this week with Eric Bigger and Angela finally get to go on a date. And it might be the best date yet.

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They're taken away from this sweaty, outdoor cabana situation to a fancy hotel FULL OF SEAFOOD AND CHAMPAGNE AND A LITTLE POOL AND CHEESE AND A GOLD TOILET.

Which, speaking of cheese. I think Eric is pretty hot, but I find him awfully cheesy. It's like he speaks in cliches and quotes from sitcoms. But during this date, he's pretty sweet to Angela and they seem to be on the same page as far as where their relationship is heading.

But then, that page is ripped out of the book when, to quote Tia, "Hot ass Cassandra comes in." For reference, this is Cassandra:

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Eric loses his mind and completely forgets everything he told Angela, including that he wouldn't accept a date with anyone. After accepting one with Cassandra, he tells Angela that while he did say he wouldn't go out with anyone, he said that YESTERDAY, I mean gosh guys that was at least 12 hours ago. And today he magically woke up feeling different. Aka, Cassandra arrived and Men in Black wiped all memories of his promises to Angela. He tells Angela that the date "doesn't mean anything" and that he needs to "test the waters." UM NO. If Eric needs to "test the waters" maybe Angela needs to "test the resiliency of his jaw." By punching it.

Angela goes to vent to the ladies and says she doesn't want to talk shit about Eric, prompting Astrid to say "NO LET'S DO IT," which only makes me love Astrid more. If there's anything that is medically proven to cure an aching heart, it's shit talking about a dude. Works 110% of the time.

And that's where we're left! Sad that my little chicken nugget Connor only lasted one week, but luckily that means he's free to date me, which was once again, his plan all along.

See you all next week! Til then, find me eating all of the General Tso's chicken samples at the mall food court and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 3)

Sorry for missing last week, but I was home with my family and there was no way I was subjecting my lovely mother to this horrendous show. But I think it's safe to say I didn't miss much as the ship continues to sink.

This week's post is brought to you by the short-lived return of Caroline's facial expressions:

After careful deliberation, I've decided I would 100% be like Caroline. She shows up, goes after the richest, smartest, sweetest dude (Venmo John), then proceeds to alternate between being awkward as hell and snarky before going home after being on the show for a week. Doing it right.

"It's time to cook the f'n goose"
Poor man's Ben Stiller, aka Chris R., reveals he is in fact a major asshole. This piece of moldy fruit got a little friendly with Krystal last week after Tia went to bed, so she of course confronts him about it.

Here's the full gamut of Tia's facial expressions as she attempts to have a rational conversation with an irrational Goose:

And here's a recap of their conversation (try to match her facial expressions!):

Tia: Yo, you told me you liked me and wouldn't go on any other dates with anyone.
Chris (internal panicking): What, I do like you a lot, what are you even talking about. You're crazy.
Tia: You kissed Krystal.
Chris: Well that's only because you were hanging out with Colton, I still like you a lot, a lot a lot.
Tia: Whatevs dude, I'm out. This is done.
Chris: WELL I ALREADY DECIDED BEFORE YOU DID, THAT I DON'T LIKE YOU, SO THERE. I SAID IT FIRST. I BROKE UP WITH YOU FIRST.

To add to the drama, we learn that Colton was the one who let Tia know of Chris R.'s tomfoolery. Also, because a producer undoubtedly made Krystal do it, she joins in on their conversation making things completely non-awkward. She makes it clear that she likes Chris R. and he makes it clear that he likes tequila, leaving her to get a drink after Tia breaks up with him.

Krystal then goes to sit on a corner of the grotto to cry, flanked by a fresh margarita and what appears to be a basket of gigantic pompoms and balls of yarn.

The artistry of this show is unmatched.

"All my eggs are in his basket"
No, Tia isn't talking about a really delicious breakfast food. Welcome to the agonizing Dawson and Joey "will they or won't they" situation with Tia and Colton. To summarize, Tia likes Colton and only wants to date Colton. And Colton clearly likes Tia and only wants to date Tia (he actually turns down Jacqueline's date request). So, what does this stale crouton do? HE GETS EMO AND INDECISIVE OVER DATING TIA. It makes exactly zero sense. It'd be like if I went to a chocolate chip cookie buffet and was like "Oh, I love chocolate chip cookies! But there are only chocolate chip cookies here. WHAT DO I DO?"

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While Colton is having an existential crisis, Tia is all but begging him to pick her. And finally, after writing a post on his Myspace and listening to some sad Drake songs, Colton decides he and Tia "owe it" to themselves to give their relationship an honest try. She is more excited than starving me showing up to a Chinese buffet and quietly says to him "You picked me." If that ain't a line from "One Tree Hill" or "The O.C." I don't know what is.

As the camera pans away while they're kissing, we hear Tia say "Use your tongue." HAHA YOU GUYS. This is why I've always thought he looks like a bad kisser. I've never seen someone clench their lips so tight together. It's like he thinks another woman's mouth is a frozen pole in winter and his tongue will get stuck to it if it gets anywhere near it.

Later, they are obviously given a date card because in this season of Colton's Creek, we need at least one episode of the couple actually happy. They walk around a market before heading to this square to be surprised by fellow Weiner-ite Raven who found love with Adam during her blip on BIP.

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They participate in some cheesy couples version of musical chairs which SURPRISE SURPRISE Tia and Colton win:

After this, Tia and Raven sit down for some frand time. Raven says she isn't sure of Colton's intentions because it's clear he is just after the "it" girl, which Tia absolutely was for her season. Tia refutes this by saying she's "really good" at reading people and at this point Raven realizes reason is out the window and delivers what must be the best line of the season: "If this ends badly, I'm gonna cut his penis off and then he can't ever lose that virginity." I HOLLERED.

Tia and Colton then have their 35th heart-to-heart of the episode which ends with Colton asking Tia to be his girlfriend (15-year-old me says AWWWW). She responds as such:

Jacqueline is definitely a horse girl
Y'all remember Jacqueline from Arie's season. She's like a mix of Anne Hathaway and Winona Ryder and 100% decorated her locker with Lisa Frank horse stickers.

She arrives and after failing to swoop in on Colton, asks Kenny on a date. This upsets Annaliese, who has decided that because Kenny is easy to talk to and actually listens when she speaks, is the love of her life.

So Jacqueline and Kenny head out on a date. She drinks what looks like a tall glass of lukewarm Corona and tells him that she enjoys the opera and he calls her pretentious for having gold binoculars. Really enthralling stuff. They kiss underneath fireworks, which I've decided must eat up about 50% of the show's budget. These people are all going to have a hard time adjusting to dates in the real world where literal fireworks don't happen every time.

Within 4 seconds of Kenny returning to the villa, Annaliese swoops in and is like OH HAI COME HERE I PREPARED A DATE FOR US. So he's like ok cool. And then they eat yogurt? I have no idea what it is. And Kenny takes off his shirt and Annaliese says she likes him and they enjoy a yogurt-breathed makeout session.

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Before the Rose Ceremony, Annaliese, Jacqueline AND Bibiana throw their hats in the ring for Kenny, who being the thoughtful gentleman he is, makes out with all of them. You know, being thorough in his search for love. He ultimately gives a rose to Annaliese, sending Jacqueline home in the same week she arrived. ON HER BIRTHDAY. To be honest, that strawberry tart looks like a better relationship than anything on this show, so maybe horse girl won afterall.

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"The two crazies in the corner who deserve each other"
Shout out to Canadian Kevin for telling Krystal that's who she and Chris R. are. We get a glimpse into one of their super deep conversations, which includes Krystal telling him that she is "just normal" and likes "cooking and food and investing in a Roth IRA." Casual. Three things that naturally go together. I personally enjoy my Roth somewhat thick and hate it when it's watery.

While Krystal is bearing her IRA soul, Chris R. proceeds to place his hand on her butt like he's never touched a butt before. I can actually hear his idiotic man thoughts saying "THIS IS A BUTT. I TOUCH."

NORTH CAROLINA, COME ON AND RAISE UP
Since I didn't post last week, I didn't get to yell about Jenna's arrival! My main North Carolina girl!

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And in true Carolina girl form, she has gotten a man (Jordan) to fall in love with her in a week. During the Rose Ceremony, he shows up in an outfit that I assume he got from some beach shop in Florida and proceeds to throw a temper tantrum when Chicken gives Jenna a giant stuffed dog.

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As you can imagine, this turns Jenna off, but not enough to deny his rose (because I mean she still wants to stay on the show, there's free tequila y'all!). But she makes it clear that she's just waiting for fresh meat to arrive so she can move on from Jordan.

And Jenna gets just that when our little croissant Benoit arrives. No longer engaged to Clare (from Bachelor Winter Games), he's ready to dive back into the super successful dating pool of the Bachelor franchise. He chooses Jenna for his date card, which Jordan responds to by being the bigger man and trash talking Benoit from a distance.

So Jenna and Benoit go on a date to a local restaurant where they ignore what appears to be four tortellini complemented by four grape tomatoes and a dry ass piece of steak. MMM SO YUMMY.

Jenna, who is sporting a super cute red lip, eventually spreads this red lipstick all over Benoit. I could not stop laughing. He looks like he used Kool-Aid as Chapstick. Or was wildly eating a Popsicle.

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Post lipstick sharing, they return to the villa where Jordan is waiting to win Jenna's heart back. He writes "I'm sorry" in the sand and apologizes for being a dodo bird at the last Rose Ceremony and tells her that he really likes her and that there is "only one Jenna." Jenna then struggles with deciding if she still likes Jordan or if she should pursue Benoit. Should I date this male "model" or this lil' French baguette who was just engaged literally 2 minutes ago? The classic internal battle we all experience.

"He's just tasting all the porridge"
Jordan so eloquently describes our newest arrival, Leo, and his process for deciding which lucky blonde lady he will take on a date. Sorry not sorry that this is the best screenshot I got of him.

He ends up choosing Taxidermy Kendall, which really burns Grocery Joe's britches. She chats with Joe before going on her date and they share this painfully awkward embrace/kiss/wrist hug:

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I CAN'T STOP WATCHING THIS. YOU GUYS. LOOK AT HIS HANDS AS HE ATTEMPTS TO HUG HER. I have seen water and milk produce more sparks than this.

Kendall and Leo's date is weird as hell as they pose for photos for a "romance novel." And the show makes us endure the plot line of this "novel" through characters played by the boiled chicken himself, Arie, and one of the Lauren's from his season (who even knows which one, does he even know).

I have never experienced such a strong aversion to someone like I do to Arie. He actually makes me recoil. I just imagine his hands are always oily and he smells like hot dogs and I hate oily hands and hot dog body odor.

Anyway, Leo and Kendall take pics and then makeout and she realizes she may like a guy she can share Costco-sized bottles of conditioner with. I personally could never date a man who would double the amount of times we would have to snake our shower drain, but to each her own.

Kendall returns to the villa and finds herself in a pickle as she thinks Leo would be best for her in the long run, but she still cares for Joe. Meanwhile, Leo makes out with Chelsea, maybe because he confuses Chelsea for Kendall? There are just so many blonde women on this show.

Thank goodness for Venmo John

Sadly Caroline loses out to Jubilee in the battle for Venmo John, but their fight for his attention gives us this moment of Jubilee realizing how hot his bod is. Just want to reemphasize that John is, hands down, the best guy on this show. I bet he's the kind of boyfriend who, even though you say you don't want a snack from the gas station when y'all stop, gets you Doritos anyway. SWOON.

Okay ABC, we've all seen butts

If anything, putting giant black boxes over the girls' butts just draws more attention to them. Unless these aren't even censor boxes and Kendall, Krystal and Jenna just all coincidentally brought the same pair of black box bottoms. I don't know much about fashion, so that could be the case.

Sausage kissing
Oh this is just a pic of Canadian Kevin and Astrid making out after both taking bites of German sausage.

I'm not making any sort of sexual innuendo when I say as gross as watching them do this was, it still made me want to eat sausage? Like it looked pretty good? I just really love a good sausage.

And with that declaration, I'll wrap up this post by sharing my favorite moment of the night:

That's Venmo John eating what looks to be some sort of dessert, maybe banana bread? Or bread pudding? While hot personal trainer Eric looks directly at the camera and Jenna shows off her cute pantsuit. This show is slowly killing me.

See you next week! Til then, find me eating all the cookies in your cookie jar and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 1)

Since I was able to nap through this last season of The Bachelorette, I figured, why not dedicate that saved time and energy into a new show? Because I'm obviously not putting it toward fruitful things like learning about a 401K or how to make a lasagna. So join me as we dive headfirst into the shallowest end ever, aka, Bachelor in Paradise!

To intro everything (because this show is so complex), the show begins with 19 former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants. It takes place on a beach in Mexico because it is mandatory for us to be in an environment that promotes showing as much body'ody as possible. And each week, new people arrive and people who don't couple up are sent home.

Aren't you glad I explained that incredibly elaborate setup? Let's jump in!

Oh, remember how Kendall is weird

Taxidermy Kendall is back! And it seems that for now, she's one of the more popular ladies. The guys, initially at least, all flock to her like she's a sample tray of beef jerky.

During some one-on-one time with Grocery Joe, Kendall talks about liking to hang out in cemeteries because "there's no one there, just dead people." Which oh wow, Kendall, already turning on the charm. She then proceeds to ask Joe if he's ever seen a dead person and this is the point where I tell you she can be weird as hell and guys won't get restraining orders because she's hot. Oh sure. But whenever I cut out letters from a magazine to spell "love" and paste them onto a piece of paper to mail to Shawn Mendes with a vial of my blood, I'm deemed "creepy" and also "really creepy." DOUBLE STANDARD.

Kendall's cemetery talk works and she ends up making out with Joe for a bit.

In more important news, you all will be relieved to know that I finally realized who Kendall looks like. Meredith Blake! Dear God that has been bugging me.

Now that I've figured this out, I can only assume world peace will follow.

UM, KRYSTAL'S VOICE
So it seems that in the time since The Bachelor ended, Ursula gave Krystal her voice back because she sounds completely normal as opposed to that weird breathy, Jackie-O voice she was putting on before. But let's not judge her because she tells us that "The Bachelor was a very stressful situation." Which okay sure, but also I've been in many stressful situations, and not once has any of them caused my voice to change into a fantasy phone operator's.

But now, she is a totally different person. When Krystal was on The Bachelor, she was like this weird combination of Betty Boop, a 1950's Playboy bunny and Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. And now she's just a normal sounding person who likes to eat chips. I don't hate her.

I related to her the most in terms of how her first episode went. She arrived to Hot People Beach all positive and peppy and ready to party hardy.

But then Grocery Joe, who caught her eye the most, decided to focus his attention on Taxidermy Kendall. And she decided to focus her attention on some pita and hummus.

This is exactly what I look like after any night that includes more than 1/2 of an alcoholic drink.

A Tale of Two Tia Dates
Okay everything I've said before this is just filler to make you think I'm watching this show for anything other than Tia. Y'all know she's my #1 from Arie's season. And as if I am the producer for this show, 85% of the premiere episode focuses on her.

She spends most of this time pining for Colton and saying she only came on the show because she thought he would be on it too. Which, I mean I can relate to. Similar to when I agree to go out to dinner with people I don't particularly like because I think there may be chicken fingers.

Anyway, the show gives her the first date card. And since Colton isn't there, she's like "WOE IS ME, TO HAVE TO PICK ONE OF THESE OTHER HOT ASS MEN TO GO OUT WITH."

After pacing back and forth on the beach while holding this card as if doing so will make Colton materialize, she decides to take Chris R., aka Chandler's crazy roommate Eddie, on the date.

Their dinner goes well and Tia starts to realize that GASP there may be other men out there besides Colton, who by the way, hasn't talked to her since they saw each other on Becca's season. I hate to admit this, but Chris R. is kind of sweet and anyway they end up smushing their faces together.

They're all cute the next day too and Tia finally seems to be getting over Colton, which means it's the perfect time for Colton to arrive (GOD I HATE YOU ABC, CAN TIA JUST GET HAPPINESS).

He arrives and is very sweaty and all I want for him to do is take off his shirt. For health reasons of course, because it's 150 degrees and also I will die if I don't see those abs (said Becca).

After giving Tia an ass out, one-armed friend hug, Colton proceeds to pull Kendall away to chat. He then talks to Angela, then every single one of the guys, then some of the crew, then a couple monkeys, then actually he gives me a call too. He basically talks to everyone but Tia. THE ONE PERSON HE NEEDS TO TALK TO. Also, we learn that their relationship was clearly not just a "weekend fling" as was insinuated on The Bachelorette.

After avoiding her harder than my 5th grade eyebrows avoiding tweezers, he asks her to join him on a date (he was awarded a date card when he first arrived). When he asks her, she is more excited than me at a southern buffet when they bring out fresh fried chicken.

So they go on a boat date and talk through their "situation," whatever that means. He tells her that he was in love with Becca and kind of says that Tia may have ruined that. Then there's more dramatic talking and it seems like their date is going straight down the pooper until:

To recap: Even though Colton spent an entire season of a show dismissing Tia, then ignored her for months, she decides she can forgive him and she is my close friend so I'm not going to judge her except WTF YES I AM. GIRL WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

I would like to conclude this section by thanking ABC for spending an entire episode on Tia, despite this debauchery with Colton. But if they think that doing so will convince me to watch this entire season, well, yes that is correct I am weak and will watch every second.

Who is this man

This is Nick, the random dude Becca kept around for several weeks but NEVER talked to. He was the one who showed up to a Rose Ceremony in mobster resort wear. Anyway, I have no idea why the show allowed this dingle berry to be a cast member. And I don't like to judge someone I do not know except for on every post on this blog, but Nick is 100% a bro who does bicep curls in the squat rack, calls most women "chicks" and thinks Saturdays are for the boys.

On this particular evening, he sets his sights on Chelsea. Which, that's her knee in the picture above. I feel the need to point that out because it appears to be a random appendage. In an effort to win her over, he tells her she is a "snack" then follows that homerun up with "I have this weird attraction to you." And either one of his eyes is constantly semi-closed or he ate 12 pot brownies and washed them down with 10 bottles of tequila. We'll never know. But Chelsea isn't having it (she's a mom and only has time for one child in her life) and tells him she's tired and going to bed. He asks to walk her to her room, which doesn't matter because before he can even finish his sentence, there are literally clouds of dust from the speed at which she leaves his vicinity.

I've spoken to every human and we unanimously agree that Nick must leave immediately. In fact, if there's a way for us to go back in time so we don't have to experience a second of him, that would be great.

The actual best guy among this trash fire

As a gentle reminder, John is a software engineer and one of the co-founders of Venmo. To translate even further: HE CUTE, HE SMART, HE RICH. Also, based on his Instagram which I regularly creep on, he is incredibly sweet and a genuinely good guy. SO WHY ISN'T EVERY SINGLE WOMAN FLOCKING TO HIM?

I would beeline straight for him and ask to Venmo his John (I've been waiting a while to use that one).

Why Bachelor in Paradise is better than The Bachelor/Bachelorette

ABC is not messing around with this show. Practically every scene features some sort of drunk food - from chips and guacamole to fries to quesadillas to whatever it is that's on Astrid's fork up there. I'm thinking this food is necessary to ensure no one dies from the tequila transfusion they're receiving every day. Honestly, who even cares about love. I would ask for endless plates of chips and sit out on the beach. Because then at least when I'm sent home for not making connections with anyone except a bowl of guacamole, I'll be tan and maybe a little bloated but happy. SNACKS WILL NEVER TELL YOU THEY DON'T LOVE YOU.

Okay also, I didn't watch Nick Viall's lame ass season, so I had no prior knowledge of Astrid.

But based on the number of times we see her eating chips while wearing big ass hoops, I've decided she may be my new spirit guide. Look at that guacamole to chip ratio! Astrid knows what's up.

Bottomline: Bachelor in Paradise is already INFINITELY better than Becca's season. And if the chips and Tia time continue, maybe better than the entire franchise.

As an FYI, since episodes will now start airing on Monday and Tuesdays, I'll likely wait until after Tuesday to blog so I can recap the academic events that occur on both days in one post.

Til then, find me at Danity Kane Fan Club meetings and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). See you next week!