Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Ben, looking directly into the camera like an angsty teen in the opening credits of some show on The CW (or The WB for the real ones):

Based on the fact that this season must wrap by Christmas (before Matt's Bachelor season premieres in January) I'm thinking our girl Tayshia only has about 3 more weeks to find a husband, so we don't have a moment to waste!

A stupid competition to get to a much needed Ivan one-on-one

To kick off the week, Tayshia has all of the guys who weren't on the last group date "compete" for a one-on-one date by writing a song then performing it for her because as Tayshia puts it, "What girl doesn't want that?" Ah yes, there's nothing we collectively as women want more than to see how many words a guy can rhyme "rose" with.

About 95% of this segment is a waste of time with this being the only worthwhile 5%:

Ivan is the only guy who asks Tayshia to sit closer so he can look into her eyes while singing and yes I would normally find this incredibly corny, but when the deliverer of the corn looks like Ivan I'm like lemme get that high fructose corn syrup.

Ivan obviously gets the one-on-one date and the only other thing I want to note is I've gone this entire part of the post without making some sort of Ivan and "playing my musical instrument" joke or using the word "blow," so anyway, you're welcome.

After the rest of the guys return to the house, Noah, who looks like that kid you knew in elementary school that threw up in class once, is sure to publicly share that Ivan is too quiet and "sophisticated" (omg hate that when guys are sophisticated) for Tayshia. In case you forgot, here's Noah:

Gasp, too sophisticated, what does that even mean, he speaks in cursive? Mostly including this bit because yes you guessed it, Noah has his handy dandy spoon out and is ready to be this week's pot stirrer.

"I feel like Ivan and I could have a really beautiful relationship"

Tayshia asks Ivan to meet her at her suite later that night (which wow, really stealing lines word-for-word that I've DM'd to him, but okay sure). So before he heads over, we get this really drawn out scene of him adjusting his chain like it's a tie and I am not one bit complaining, please sir I'd like some more.

Their date is comprised of activities that must've been randomly pulled out of a hat — they play the "floor is lava" game to get to her bedroom where the phone is so they can order room service, then they have a pillow fight with pillows that are seemingly just full of loose feathers???? Is that actually how feather pillows are, just feathers all loosey goosey (haha goose) plopped into a pillowcase??? Can someone please confirm for me?? 

Then when room service arrives, we learn they've ordered the Kevin McCallister special:

Tbh it seems a little insensitive for Tayshia to order that Titanic-sized (too soon?) portion of ice cream knowing Ivan is half Filipino and therefore likely lactose intolerant. Also, WHO ORDERS THAT MUCH ICE CREAM????? PRESENTED IN THE STANLEY CUP???? I actually would've like to learn more about that cafeteria looking pizza or those chicken fingers.

After gassing up — literally gas like toot toot because they've just eaten a bunch of fries, pizza, guac, buffalo wings, ice cream and wine — they head outside to chat.

And y'all, when I say this is the most real and meaningful conversation to happen on this tragedy of a show, I mean it. Ivan talks about his relationship with his younger brother and the impact it had on him when his brother went to prison for four years. He brings up George Floyd and police brutality and how the events of this year struck him so hard because he kept thinking about his brother and the hardships he went through in prison.

They both talk about growing up in predominately white neighborhoods, being surrounded by mostly white people for most of their lives and what the Black Lives Matter movement has meant to both of them. At the end of what is certainly the deepest conversation to ever happen on this kiddie pool depth of a show, Tayshia gives Ivan a rose.

They then head inside to watch a "movie," which is just a slideshow of Tayshia baby photos? I mean I guess Hollywood really is on a break.

Bottomline here: I am obsessed and in love with Ivan and I think he'll make it to Tayshia's top 3, but she will not pick him in the end (and I'll be there, creepily waiting in the DM wings to sweep him away).

A group date that's actually entertaining

For the next group date, Tayshia enlists the help of her "best friends" Becca and Sydney because I guess after you've been on one of these shows you're contractually obligated to only continue friendships with other people who have also been on the show. 

You may remember Sydney for deciding to leave Colton's season of The Bachelor early because she realized how incredibly boring and useless he was. And you may remember Becca for first getting dumped on live TV by boiled chicken Arie, then completely blowing her season of The Bachelorette by choosing ignorant, racist, sexist idiot Garrett (they've since broken up). Both very good resume builders.

For this date, the guys learn they'll be paired up before having to run around the resort completing random "dares." These "dares" include downing gross blended drinks that include bugs or ham or who knows, having Chris Harrison sign somewhere "where the sun doesn't shine" which again none of us asked for more of his bird ass so can that please stop, and making loud sex noises. The sex noises dare actually made me laugh out loud in real life because we got scenes like this:

So now that they've all eaten something weird, had Chris Harrison touch their butts and busted an eye vessel sex screaming, they're ready for the final dare — eat a habanero pepper and then pretend propose to Tayshia. Here's Bennett spicily glistening in the wind:

I did find the giant, plastic engagement ring to be pretty funny because there is nothing I love more than really tiny or really large versions of things. 

With bugs and peppers lining their stomachs, they move onto the evening portion of the date because nothing sounds better than topping it all off with mixed drinks.

Bennett is one of the first to chat with Tayshia and we learn that he was actually engaged before.

He says he broke it off before the wedding because "it just didn't feel right," which I take to mean mother told him his fiancee was simply not an appropriate match. But I'm sure there will be future cotillions! Also want to note that Bennett is 10000% a producer pick, kept around for entertainment value, because Tayshia looks at him like he's a clearance item in the frozen food aisle — not going to buy it, but not bothered by it being here.

Next up, Blake hits her with the ol' heart eyes:

I find this man incredibly exhausting and not just because I'm constantly looking under my bed to make sure he's not there. I'm thinking he'll be going home soon.

Speaking of going home soon, here's who I REALLY want to go home:

Tayshia and Zac chat in the hot tub, which is annoying because of all the men on this date to see shirtless, we get Zac. She continues to show genuine interest in him and I cannot understand it at all. It's like when someone says their favorite candy is those circus peanuts, it's simply beyond comprehension. 

Tayshia ends up giving Zac the group date rose, so sadly it seems Circus Peanut will be sticking around until at least the top 4 (is my guess anyway).

A Tale of Two Single-Syllable Names

After ruminating on Tayshia saying she was disappointed in him for not chatting with her, Ben decides he needs to see Tayshia the night before the Rose Ceremony. At the same time, Thumb Head Ed is like maybe I should go find my neck (and also Tayshia). So they both put on their best Hanes shirt and set out for Tayshia's room.

Long story short, here's who they each end up reaching at the end of their nighttime stroll:

That's right, Army veteran Ben was able to effectively read a resort map to find his way to Tayshia's room while Ed wandered into Chris Harrison's.....neck.....of the woods. When Chris Harrison opens the door, he mentions it's 2:30 a.m., which like why is Tayshia still in cute clothes and also NOT ASLEEP?? I don't care how hot you are, if you knock on my door at 2:30 a.m. you're gonna get Shrek straight outta the swamp.

Ben apologizes to Tayshia and tells her he wasn't being apathetic during the group date and he won't ever make the mistake again of trying to be last to chat with her. She forgives him because he's fine as hell and then he surprises her with room service champagne and strawberries.

What we need to talk about here is HOW BIG HIS HANDS ARE???? BIG BEN'S HANDS. I mean those are MITTS. Looks like he could just palm a 25 lb turkey, easy (Happy Thanksgiving!). I bet those hands could hold like 3 wiener dogs EACH. My point here is I am interested in Ben and I think Tayshia is too and he'll also be around in the top four.

How is this only the second Rose Ceremony

Throughout this episode, we've had sprinklings of Noah making arrogant comments because he already has a rose (from the group date he imposed upon). Oh, btw, just in case, once again this is Noah don't want you to forget this face:

Something about him reminds me of that squirrel from Ice Age?? Anyway, after some casual pot stirring, Noah's ready to break out the paddle-sized spoon and really get this thing going.

During his time with Tayshia, Noah says he's not here to tell on guys and then proceeds to tell on guys. He tells Tayshia that some of the guys were annoyed that he was allowed to join the group date and they've been questioning her thinking for deciding to give him the group date rose.

Tayshia thanks Squirrel before heading back into where the guys are to confront them. 

She tells the guys she feels her integrity has been questioned and she's not here to start drama and if any of the guys think she is, they can leave. She then cancels the rest of the evening, leaving most of the guys without any time with her before the Rose Ceremony.

Mostly including this group shot of Thumb Head yelling at Squirrel to show how good Ivan looks in his little tan jacket. During this back and forth of everyone v. Noah, Bennett says "I'm here for love, not for breast feeding Noah," which I think we can all agree is a little too visual. And further proof that Bennett is just a plant to deliver lines written by the producers so they can be created into gifs.

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At the Rose Ceremony, we learn that Ed has had it absolutely up to ear with Noah's BS.

With no neck, do you think this means Ed never gets a sore throat? I mean I guess that's a plus. Tayshia ends up giving him the last rose for some unknown reason and sends home Asked Me How to Spell Orange Chasen, Boy Band Kenny, Hot But Only When He's Shirtless Jordan and Dr. Joe. Of all of them, Joe knew he was leaving based on his face the entire time:

Now he can get back to his real passion — wearing a man bun while doctoring.

And that's it! I'm wondering how this season is going to play out considering it has to wrap up by Christmas. I'm also annoyed because episodes with Clare CRAWLey'd by (impressed myself there) and now we're having to rush through Tayshia Time.

See you next week for more! Til then, find me napping after eating an entire pie (how else do you think I get this body'ody) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

After five weeks of this Clare fly buzzing around us, we finally shoo'd her away! And this week, it's actually our first full Tayshia episode. 

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As a reminder, we've already had one group date (where Eazy got the rose) and one solo date (where Brendan got a rose). So we've got one more group date before Tayshia can start editing some of these men out.

The "Grown Ass Man Challenge"

For the second group date, Tayshia brings in her "friends" (lol okay) Jared and Ashley. You probably remember Jared for being hot and Ashley for crying until Jared married her. Anyway they've been married for a year, which in Bachelor world translates to 25 years, meaning they are experts in marriage, so they're here to help.

Tayshia wants a "grown ass man" and since this show takes things very literally, they decide the only way to test for that is to host a "Grown Ass Man Challenge" that takes place in one of the resort's dull ballrooms (I'd recognize those neutral carpets anywhere). This challenge will include tests of the guys smarts, physical strength and cooking skills, which sorry but if we're trying to find grown ass men, I'd want them to show me their 401K, their tax returns, that they know how to change a tire and can name at least 3 Danity Kane songs THESE ARE THE TRUE TESTS OF GROWN MEN.

First, Tayshia is "looking for someone who is smart," so the guys are put through what can only be described as an episode of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" (FYI none of these men are). And look, you know I love Tayshia, but claiming you're coming on this show to find someone smart is like going to an apple orchard because you're looking for pineapples. Not gonna find any of that here.

Head of the Caucasian Association, Bennett, thinks he has the advantage because he went to Harvard (and because his name is Bennett). Which I mean, the smarts, they really do jump out at you:

Throughout this challenge, the guys are asked simple math and spelling questions, eventually leading to the real Mensa test at the end — to spell "limousine."

I can't decide which is more funny, pretentious ass Bennett forgetting the 'u' or Ed behind him spelling limousine like linguine. 

Next, we move onto the physical stuff because it's clear most of these men asked me how to spell orange once. The guys are paired up and attached by one of those kid leashes before seeing who can pull the other while reaching for a bouquet of flowers (ah yes, a standard and normal thing I need my man to be able to do).

This is our bb Ivan getting ready to beat Thumb Head Ed, rather Thumb Hed. Mostly sharing this screenshot for you to see how pitiful this entire setup is. But there really is nothing you can do to fancify these moving walls and carpets haunted by decades of PowerPoint slides.

Bennett, who claims he lost the spelling and math portion because of the way the questions were asked, says he can't participate because he has a note from his father excusing him from it (and bc of old football injuries, lollll sure Jan).

The final pointless event has the guys make breakfast in bed for Tayshia. And by "make" I mean choose from a spread of lukewarm foods to throw onto a plate for her. Chasen ultimately decides against offering food, thinking he is more appealing than pancakes or bacon:

This man isn't better than a frozen Toaster Strudel, let alone pancakes and bacon. And wearing an apron but showing up with no food is FALSE ADVERTISING. 

At the end of what has been one of the corniest things for this show to hoist upon Tayshia, Ed is named the day's "man child" and forced to carry around a baby doll.

We learn this man has never held a baby before in his life and thinks they are best held like footballs. And finally, Bennett is crowned the day's winner even though he failed the first event, skipped out on the second, and wore a robe in the third. Vastly under-qualified, yet rewarded, the motto of all Bennetts.

Because he needs to be even more annoying, Bennett then brings the framed certificate to the evening portion of the date for "everyone to share" and also shows up in a robe. A "clever" move I'm sure he waved fingers guns at himself in the mirror for choosing to do.

Chasen, who has probably eaten Tide pods thinking they were candy, thinks this is stupid and anyway yes this is foreshadowing for the future idiotic drama that's about to happen.

After Chasen steals Tayshia away first for an extremely underwhelming conversation, the rest of the guys get out the toilet paper for some major shit talking about him. Ed and Bennett both talk about how fake he is and how it seems like he's acting whenever he's around Tayshia. Which, they're really giving Chasen a lot of credit thinking he has the brain power to do something like put on a front when he probably tries to put on pants both legs at once.

Next up is Ben, who we learn is already piquing Tayshia's interest:

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She asks why he's still single and he admits that after his last serious relationship ended, it wrecked him and it's taken him a while to recover. Luckily, Tayshia is a doctor and she knows how to speed along this recovery process:

My breaking news for you is that I like Ben? I mean, you'll later see more of why I like him (spoiler alert, it's his body, you know this is who I am). Purely based on how much Tayshia likes him already, I definitely think he'll be in at least the final 5 guys.

Speaking of final guys, during Ivan's time with Tayshia, we learn they have even more in common besides being unbelievably good looking. Ivan talks about how he wants to do more with his life and give back and let's just say I know who he can give something to (it's me, FYI, was that not clear). Tayshia shares the same sentiments and blah blah these are the two people we most want to see kiss so Ivan says he has a surprise for her and blindfolds her. He then feeds her strawberries and also this: 

Tayshia seems to like him a lot and calls him "a dark horse," which I'm going to spare you all of the inappropriate jokes I would like to make here involving "riding" and other verbs I could string together in a sentence about me and Ivan.

While Ivan is winning over Tayshia, we're all losing by having to watch this Chasen and Ed drama play out. Ed and Bennett confront Chasen and tell him they all think he's fake, which sets off Chasen's roid rage and leads them to exchange elementary school barbs. During his interview, Chasen says Thumb Head and Jeeves are like Batman and Robin while he's more like Superman. He then corrects himself to say he is actually Wolverine because "that's my nickname" and does this:

If I had to live through that, you have to live through me retelling it because we live in this trash can together. Anyway, after Ben and Ivan, Tayshia breezes through the rest of these losers. In a move that has proven to be 100% ineffective in winning over the Bachelorette, Ed dedicates his time to talking about another guy — Chasen. 

He tells Tayshia that Chasen isn't genuine, just wants to build an Instagram following and is using a lot of the same language with her that he used with Clare. Again, I have to fact check here that Chasen uses the same language because the man knows 25 words, MAX. So he's really utilizing his entire arsenal. But anyway, this news along with seeing Ed's lack of neck up close and personal proves to be very alarming to Tayshia.

She wants to set the record straight with Wolverine and asks to chat again. She tells Chasen what Ed said and asks if it's true that he's only here to gain a social media following. Chasen denies it all, saying "I'm staring you dead in the eyes when I look at you," which oh no baby you copy/pasted the same thing twice. They end their conversation and Tayshia still seems a little unsure.

The night ends how the show should end, with Tayshia giving the group date rose to Ivan.

Now you didn't think I'd just mention Ivan once right....

Because where else would I share this week's Ivan collage

I want to take this chance to apologize for not saying something earlier. Ivan is from Dallas and there's nothing I'd like more than to see dal-ASS, if ya know what I mean. I can't believe I didn't make that joke earlier, I sincerely apologize.

Tayshia's first Rose Ceremony

With Eazy, Brendan and Ivan all with roses already, the rest of the guys scramble to cement their status with Tayshia during the cocktail party. 

Most of the evening focuses on dragging this Chasen and Ed drama out. Chasen begins the night by saying he doesn't want any drama, but then shows that at the top of his Amazon Wish List is "drama." Ed reiterates that he thinks Chasen is a fraud, so yes we are doing this all again, great. Chasen also wants everyone to know that he has learned a new word to describe Tayshia and "his" new word is: 

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We have to hear Chasen use this word in every other sentence like a baby who just heard "shit" for the first time and is repeating it nonstop. It's sort of funny though, because he looks so impressed with himself every time he uses this two-syllable word.

Later when Ed chats with Tayshia, he's like "TEACHER, TEACHER, CHASEN WAS MEAN TO ME!" telling Tayshia that Chasen was super aggressive during their group date and sort of stood over him angrily when he told him how fake he thought he was. 

Tayshia then has to board this train BACK to stupid town to rehash this drama with Chasen and I'll just let her face speak for all of us.

This conversation ensues:

Tayshia: How do you have such roid rage, yet have no muscles, it's concerning
Chasen: What are you talking about, this shirt is a large
Tayshia: I was interested in getting to know you, but this is all stupid
Chasen: I don't know why Ed keeps coming after me when all I'm saying is "Ed, come after me"
Tayshia: This is petty and I hate petty
Chasen: I am a petty officer

After they part ways, we learn it's Groundhog Day as we have to endure Chasen and Ed confronting each other AGAIN. It's all pointless and all we want is for both of them to make like Clare and leave.

Outside of the evening's dramatic entertainment, Zac finally gets his time with Tayshia. This is a safe space so I feel comfortable sharing that I can't think of the last time I felt so violently repelled by someone as much as I am by Zac. I can't quite describe it, no wait, I can:

I think it's that he looks like if you took both of the bad guys from Home Alone and mashed them into one? Anyway, Tayshia likes him, saying he's so calm and laid back. She notes the "comfortable" way he's sitting, which okay sure let's call it "comfortable." 

The best part of the night comes from Joe, the anesthesiologist from New York, who shares THIS DELICIOUS ASS BOWL OF BIBIMBAP AND KIMCHI:

He also shows Tayshia a cute little pic of his family and says he's "of the Korean persuasion," which I've never been a full-time stripper, but if I was, I would definitely want my intro to be "And now, coming to the stage....Koreeeeean Persuaaaaasion" so thanks Joe.

The Rose Ceremony then plays out as predicted — with Ed getting a rose and Chasen getting the last rose because these producers hate us and are going to force us to endure another week of this boring drama.

Wait, who is this

I don't know his name and I'm pretty sure he talked to Tayshia zero times, but I find him extremely visually interesting. Looking like a mix between Sean Faris and Shawn Mendes, I'm going to call him my little Shwan. He doesn't get a rose so he goes home, meaning we won't get more visuals like him onscreen.

But we will get more of Zac (why) and also this....

Why

I am positive that if you polled the entire audience of this show, approx 0% would request a scene of Ed working out. I finally realized that neckless Ed reminds me of Mr. Potato Head, with arms just popped onto the side of his head. And this scene all but confirmed it. I wonder if he'll pop on the mustache attachment! Or the hat! Can't wait to see!

These group dates are very good

Is this what Tayshia means when she says she wants the guys to show her "the real them" because I know when I say that, this is exactly what I mean.

For our next group date, the guys have to participate in some sort of wrestling. I say "some sort of" because I don't know if you can classify what they do to each other as wrestling so much as it is angrily grabbing each other. Not that I'm complaining, because this was fine (remember when I said I'd share the other reason I like Ben, this is it):

Because this show is more predictable than Keira Knightley deciding to be in another period piece, the last match comes down to Mr. Potato Head and Smokeshow. All of the guys assume they're about to see a real fight until Ed, who we just saw working out his shoulders all morning, tells Chris Harrison that he can't compete because he "chronically dislocates" his shoulders. 

Chris Harrison is like wow, had no idea you even had shoulders so much as a torso connected directly to a head, but okay.

But with Chasen already oiled up, we can't let that Crisco go to waste, so Tayshia asks the group (including the guys who aren't technically on this date, just observers) "Who wants to fight for me?" And Creeper Stache decides he wants to. 

Noah hops the fence around the ring and is quickly sprayed with Pam before going at it with Chasen. They mostly circle each other while maintaining intense eye contact before Chasen is declared the winner. He's also declared the overall winner of the night? How these overall winners are decided is clearly flawed, beginning with even using the word "winner" because everyone, all of humanity, loses with this show.

Because Noah "fought" for Tayshia, he then gets to join the group for the evening portion of the date. He chats with Tayshia first and anyway we'll never know why I think he is creepy.

Tayshia uses the time to get right to business, asking him the rhetorical question: "What if you shaved your mustache off?" And since he wants to impress Tayshia and also because he looks hairy as hell and can probably grow another mustache in 15 minutes, he leaves to get a razor (so she can do it). 

While he's gone, the guys continue to cycle through with none of note except for adorable ass Brendan.

Did everyone already notice HOW LONG HIS LASHES ARE?? The way he lovingly stares at Tayshia is rivaled only by how intensely you stare at the microwave waiting for that Hot Pocket. At one point, he sort of rambles until she stops him with a kiss and my point here is I am Beyonce-movie Obsessed with him.

After being gone for way longer than seems normal to find a razor, Noah returns and interrupts one of the guys so Tayshia can "cut away a huge part" of his life. 

This was actually pretty gratifying but also I was semi-concerned for Noah because Tayshia was shaving in all directions. I was positive she was going to take off one of his nostrils.

As a note, Ben's strategy was to wait until near the end of the night so he could be the last one to talk to Tayshia before the group date rose is given. Noah completely shaves away this plan and his second go-round with Tayshia makes him the last to chat with her.

When Tayshia returns to the group, Ben tries to steal her away for a sec, but she's like "No <3" and also tells him she's disappointed that he didn't try to talk with her earlier. She ends up giving the rose to Noah, who doesn't even go here.

Chasen, who we can always rely on for a thought-provoking quote, says Noah "double dipped, which is a sin." Ah yes, something the Lord famously said: "Thou shalt not double dip."

And that's it! I'm hoping Tayshia sends both Chasen and Ed home next week, but since this show has a history of blatantly ignoring my requests, I doubt that will happen. I think we're going to get an Ivan one-on-one though! 

See you all next week for Ivan time! Til then, find me eating barbecue (all of this smokeshow talk, ya know) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).