Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Fantasy Suites + Finale)

This week's double-episode finale commentary is brought to you by our final three, who I've captured equally in their glory:

We've made it to the final two episodes! And what Tayshia wants us to learn from this journey is "if you just believe in yourself, there are people who will sweep you off your feet." Which yes, I totally agree with her that if you just believe in yourself and also get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go on a reality dating show where you get to date 30 men at once who are all promised FabFitFun sponsorships at the end and you are the only romantic interest they interact with for several weeks, one of them will probably like you at the end and sweep you off your feet. Swoon.

As a note this week's recap is a full rack of ribs meaty. So let's get to it, beginning with Fantasy Suites.

"I feel like Ivan and I could have a really beautiful life together"

Ivan is up first in the Fantasy Suites lineup and since this is one of the last dates he'll have with Tayshia, it's important for them to do something that'll help Tayshia determine if she's ready to marry him. The producers of course throw the weight of that aside and instead make them spend the day portion of their date trying to break the world record for "world's longest coldest kiss":

This is maybe one of the most random things to happen on a season that has just been one giant random number generator. They end up holding the kiss for 6 minutes, breaking the world record and leading Tayshia to believe they "can do anything now." And like I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but breathing into someone's face while sitting in an ice bath in what appears to be a random backyard for six minutes while Chris Harrison creepily watches, isn't exactly the best final test for a relationship. 

But I mean, what do I know.

Later, for dinner and the Fantasy Suite assessment portion of the date, Ivan shows up in a perfectly ironed/steamed button-down:

LIKE IT LOOKS SO SMOOTH??? Does the fact that this caught my attention mean I am a mother??

They both share how comfortable they are with each other and how they can share anything. Ivan says that when he loves someone, he loves "hard" (I'm sparing you all the inapprop joke here) and then follows up with the necessary love declaration, telling Tayshia he started falling in love with her a couple of weeks ago, but it's intensified. He then clearly tells her "I'm undoubtedly falling in love with you" and cutely enough APOLOGIZES FOR NOT TELLING HER SOONER. Which I mean, they've known each other for like 3 weeks, if he told her any sooner she would've been at home still and Clare would've been here. Anyway, Tayshia says she's falling for him too and then pulls off this killer magic trick:

The ol' "hiding the Fantasy Suite invite under the plate of fish" trick. Everyone knows that classic. 

She hands Ivan the card that of course is not complete without the inclusion of a haunted key from the 1800s:

I always find it weird how an invite to something called a "Fantasy Suite" is from Chris Harrison. Like, imagine you're at dinner with your boyfriend and a random middle aged bird looking man shows up and hands you an antique key and tells you he's reserved a hotel room for you. This is basically that. It's weird, right.

Anyway, the "fantasy" part of this suite is actually pretty true because it includes THIS GLORIOUS TRAY OF DONUTS that no one eats:

Oh, but zooming out, the "suite" part is this: 

Not even judging here because I would 100% be lured to a trailer if a man told me he had donuts. 

After talking more and ignoring the donuts, Tayshia and Ivan retire for the night to the bedroom, which is how we learn ABC is really stretching the limits of what "fantasy" means:

Looking like what sized bedroom you can get for $1,800 a month in the East Village. My brain actually can't process how many cabinets and how much wood is in this tiny room. Anyway, sexy ambiance.

The next morning, they feed each other fruit from a giant bowl and say goodbye so they can probably go back to their own rooms and check for splinters from the giant wood closet they slept in.

She's gonna pick Zac, isn't she

Zac is up next and his date's location gets us the last stamp we need on our customer loyalty card for one free pizza because we're back at the pizza oven:

We learn they'll be creating a giant painting using their bodies and I'm gonna skim over most of the recap here because 80% of it was just sounds of paint sloshing around sounding sort of like wet macaroni noodles or what it sounds like when a banana is eaten. 

After showering off, they meet for the evening portion of the date, aka the scheduled time for Zac to admit his love for Tayshia. But before diving into telling Tayshia how much he loves her, Zac first has to dive into the sweat pouring from his face AND WIPE IT ONTO TAYSHIA'S LEG:

I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT I'M MORE UPSET ABOUT, THE SWEAT OR THEM IGNORING THAT SAMPLER PLATTER OF APPETIZERS??? I SEE SKEWERS AND WONTON SOUP SPOONS???

After the sweat wiping, Zac tells Tayshia he's never felt this strongly so quickly about someone before. Tayshia then asks him about something she's been thinking about since she chatted with his mom — if he still doesn't want kids (because she def does). He says he used to think he wanted to be single and the "fun uncle" forever, but has changed his thinking since meeting Tayshia and now wants kids and knows he'll be a good father and husband. He then tells her he loves her AND SHE SAYS SHE LOVES HIM TOO, NOT "STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE" JUST OUTRIGHT "I LOVE YOU," which I think confirms she's def picking him in the end.

They then have the world's most uncomfortable and one-sided hug in history:

Tayshia offers Zac the Fantasy Suite invite + ghost key combo and he obviously accepts, so they head to their room that looks like it's the guest bedroom over someone's garage AND PROCEED TO PUT THEIR SHOES ON THE BED.

JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES. IT'S VERY EASY.

The next morning they jump on the bed and Zac wears Tayshia's robe I guess as a way of showing us how "fun" they are? 

This robe looks exactly like the one Dr. Chloe gave us bridesmaids to get ready for the wedding in and coincidentally, like Zac, I also danced around with my chest hair out while wearing it.

After Tayshia and Zac say their goodbyes, Tayshia says "It's been hard to navigate that you can love more than one person at a time" and as someone who who feels deeply about both Zac Efron and Michael B. Jordan, I think she's just not trying hard enough.

We all saw this coming

Brendan is the final fantasy suite date and as a reminder, he's the one Tayshia has been infatuated with from the beginning. Also, he's the one guy who has been most vocal and honest about wanting to be 10000% sure this is the right thing for both him and Tayshia because of how serious marriage is. With that in mind, their date is of course just a casual day browsing wedding rings with Neil Lane.

I don't know if Brendan was more freaked out by the ring shopping or by Neil Lane's insanely smoothed over Play-Doh face. Or maybe he was anxious about how everyone was ignoring this glorious tiered tray of tea sandwiches and goodies:

As if it isn't clear that this date is meant to be a pressure cooker situation for Brendan, Neil Lane gives a spiel about the eternity wedding band and how it symbolizes marriage lasting forever (I don't know why he explains the word "eternity" since it's pretty self-explanatory, but go off Neil). In response to this and about 80% of this date, we get dramatic zoom shots of Brendan not blinking:

You gotta love (and by love I mean hate) how petty this show is put this man through this. It'd be like if I said I really liked mustard a lot, but then got forced into deciding if mustard was the only condiment I'd get to use for life and the way to help me decide was covering me in mustard (this metaphor checks out, thanks).

Later, they have dinner surrounded by pyrotechnics:

I'm sure you know those are actually just hanging lights but don't they sort of look like pyro and also how funny would it be for them to be trying to have a serious conversation while sparks are going off around them like it's an Ariana Grande concert.

In a moment we all knew was coming, Brendan tells Tayshia he realized there's a part of him that's still broken and his heart isn't whole yet and she deserves someone who's complete and that's not him right now. She's shocked, but obviously he's gotta go. So they both get up so he can catch his Uber, but not before he catches one last glimpse of that smothered steak he didn't even get to taste:

While it was clear this was coming, it was still pretty shocking because had Brendan not left on his own, I'm pretty sure he would've been in Tayshia's top 2. 

But now with him gone, that means there's two roses and two guys left, so easy peasy right? OF COURSE NOT.

Big Hands Ben is back

Because there is some sort of buy-one-get-one deal with white guys not leaving when they're told to, Ben returns because he needs to tell Tayshia that he's in love with her. He first checks in with gatekeeper Chris Harrison, I guess because Chris hasn't gotten much airtime this episode, before heading over to Tayshia's suite and this is her reaction to seeing him:

I just want to point out that Ben showing up again is completely different from when Bennett did it because Ben is hot and also not annoying and that is a super important distinction.

He apologizes for being so horrible when she sent him home, but he couldn't leave without telling her that he's in love with her and has been for a bit, but since he's never felt this feeling it terrified him. In response, Tayshia is like do you like this nail color, it's new:

She tells him it's a lot to handle, but she'll let him stay for the Rose Ceremony to give her more time to make a decision. Something that I'm sure Ivan and Zac will def be happy about, lolllllllllll jk this is their reaction upon seeing Ben walk into the ceremony:

After Tayshia joins the group, she says she welcomed Ben back and also Brendan isn't here because she sent him home because it "wasn't right" and guess what, it's 2-for-1 at this sushi happy hour and she's on a break-up roll.

Before giving out any roses, she asks to speaks to Ivan which is code for "I'm about to break up with you but want to do it in private." 

She says some things have been concerning her, particularly their different views on religion (it's very important to her). And also, his name has four letters, which is one too many to be in her final two. He says he understands and despite them both saying they were falling in love like an hour ago, this breakup is quicker and less dramatic than a sneeze. I've had more intense conversations with my Chipotle burrito bowl maker.

And with that, Ivan leaves and Ben and Zac are our final two.

Meeting Tayshia's family

Before Tayshia can decide which 3-letter named man she wants to marry, they both need to meet her family (who have all arrived at the La Quinta).

Gonna keep this short and sweet and focus on the real difference between the two meetings because in general, her parents liked both guys and could see how in love they were with Tayshia.

When Ben meets the fam, they're lunch spread include pepperoni pizza, some other buttery bread/pizza looking thing, a giant fruit platter, two other trays of round brown things (my favorite) and a pedestal of fruit tarts:

So tbh, quite the spread.

On the other hand, when Zac meets them, they only get two brown looking flatbreads, a plate of what appears to be mini rolls??? and a pedestal of Chips Ahoy. Though, he does bring out "New York style" pizza for them later, I guess because the gummy bears and sour gummy worms bagel bar wasn't available.

I know Tayshia's family has been a part of this experience before, but it still blows my mind that they're not more weirded out by this entire situation. Like, if I brought my parents out to Palm Springs to meet 2 guys I've known for maybe 5 weeks and asked for their opinion on who I should marry, they'd be like wtf??? This is bizarre???

Anyway, the meetings go well and Tayshia's parents don't raise any major concerns about either guy, until.....

Her dad later visits to essentially make us believe Tayshia is struggling with a decision when it's pretty clear she's going to pick Zac. He tells her he wants her to be sure so she doesn't "make the biggest mistake" of her life because she's been hurt before. She thanks him for visiting and then changes into all black because, as we all know, she's gonna pick Zac so she needs to start mourning her past single life.

The final to-dos before getting engaged (to Zac, clearly)

1) Go on one last date with Zac

They learn a wedding dance routine and I don't know I guess this was sort of cute. During one of their last conversations, Tayshia tells Zac she worries about the future and his feelings changing based on if she changes. He reassures her that he loves her for her, no matter what she decides to do in life (I mean what if she decides to become one of those people who claps when a plane lands though). He also tells her that it's his 9-year sobriety anniversary, which is important because his sobriety allows him to not run away and he's committing to her forever. 

2) Break up with Ben

So hot ass Ben, still thinking he's got a horse in the race, is getting ready for his final date with Tayshia, a process that gives us both a shower scene and a prolonged shirtless grooming scene. Sometimes the producers get it right.

Before he can get to the date though, Tayshia pays him a visit because it's break-up o'clock. She does her thing where she first gives hope, by saying Ben was the guy who set the bar for the other guys and she was falling in love with him from early on, before coming through with the all caps BUT. She says they missed some "monumental" time after he went home (it was 20 min, tops) and she just knows her heart is with someone else.

He takes it in normal Ben fashion by staring into the distance and tells her it doesn't change the fact that he's in love with her and he's genuinely happy for her. We then get one last giant hands + bicep flexed hug to make us feel better:

Despite Tayshia saying they lost "monumental" time together, even if Ben had told her he loved her the week prior, it ultimately wouldn't change the fact that she chose Zac a while ago, so. 

Ben is def a strong contender for being a future Bachelor and in support of that I'd like to submit this collection of shots from this week of him kissing Tayshia's hand like some sort of Disney prince:

I JUST THINK IT'S ADORABLE, OKAY.

Now that Tayshia has checked these final items off her list it's.....

Time to get engaged

Right so Tayshia's cleaned up shop and it's time for her to tell Circus Peanut he's her favorite candy. In preparation for this, Zac picks out a Neil Lane ring and gives it the ol' "one ring to rule them all" look (FYI I don't watch Lord of the Rings but I assume this joke checks out, don't correct me, thanks).

Meanwhile, Tayshia starts making her way to the designated randomly carpeted engagement spot THAT IS APPARENTLY IN THE ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD FROM THE LION KING??

As she's waiting, the producers (I'm sure) make Tayshia talk to herself, saying things like "I don't know if I'm doing the right thing" and "I hope this is the right decision" primarily so these clips can be used for promos. When in reality, it has been crystal clear for weeks that Zac is her #1 and she is very sure of it. Like, this ending is maybe one of the most anticlimactic ever, but also that might be a good thing? Because on the day you get engaged, you shouldn't actually be waffling between two pancakes?

Anyway, Zac shows up and they both deliver speeches about how much they love each other before this happens:

Honestly, his speech and how he promises to be loyal to her almost made me like him a little, maybe, who knows. At one point he also whispers in her ear, "I'm gonna choose you forever" and it sort of reminded me of Devin Sawa whispering in Christina Ricci's ear in "Casper" (wow taking y'all WAY back with that one, you're welcome I'm a historian).

This season ends with its second engagement, proving that women are always incredibly more efficient than men at getting shit done.

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I know I've joked on Zac a lot, but Tayshia choosing him really is heart warming in that my heart can now actively be "warmed" by Ivan, Brendan AND Ben. Wins all around.

Overall, this has been sort of a strange season, but I guess that's very 2020. Good thing there's another season right around the corner with new Bachelor Matt James (and by good thing, you know what I mean).  I should probably read books or do something to regenerate at least 4-5 brain cells before then. See you all in 2021! Til then, find me on the baseball field because I'm actively sliding into Brendan, Ivan and Ben's DMs, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 10 + Men Tell All)

This week's double-episode recap is brought to you by Tayshia wearing the same dress I wore to Homecoming senior year of high school.

The only difference is this probably isn't from a store in Okinawa called "Vanilla Essence" that primarily specializes in silky club dresses and also the fact that Tayshia's makeup, hair and face are all better than mine. BUT THAT'S IT.

We're starting this week with 8 guys and need to get down to 4 for hometowns then 3 by the end of the episode, so like my AT&T internet service, Tayshia has a lot of breaking up to do. Let's get to it!

(As a heads up, like Ben's buns, this week's writeup is extra meaty, so brace yourselves.)

"Nothing up until this point really matters"

This is actually a really accurate statement by Blake ahead of his one-on-one with Tayshia. I remain surprised that he stuck around for this long, considering how Clare'ly obsessed he was and how little he's actually invested in his relationship with Tayshia. But I guess keeping him around was worth it because we get to see him and Tayshia in matching outfits for their date:

Because Blake's persona on this show has so far been centered on being naked and talking about sex, it makes sense that their date features a reiki practitioner and crystal master (aka a white lady who makes people call her a non-white name).

They spend some time softly talking and holding crystals (can someone please explain the crystals phenomenon to me, thanks), before the white lady informs Tayshia and Blake that she needs them to disrobe. Which, even though Blake should be used to this by now, his reaction is still:

For what it's worth, they don't get fully naked, just naked enough for muumuu lady to read their chakras (we later get an entertaining clip from this during the Men Tell All). 

They conclude their session with some tantric breathing and intense mounted eye contact surrounded by what appears to be Christmas ornaments (happy holidays!):

In her interview, Tayshia admits "When I looked into his eyes, I was looking for more confidence and validation about our situation and I didn't see it," aka she's about to send him home.

They hardly make it through five minutes of staged bench sitting time before Tayshia tells Blake he isn't her guy. She tells him that their timing is off and they just haven't progressed before walking him and his very sweaty shirt to his Uber:

After he leaves, she gets super emotional about sending him home, but staring off into the distance also gives her clarity about "something else" she needs to do.

And that something else is....

Sending Riley home

You know when you procrastinate doing something and then when you finally do it, you're super motivated and it ends up taking no time? Okay so that is Tayshia now, realizing she has to dump so many more guys before hometowns. 

After breaking up with Blake, she heads to the guys' suite to talk to Riley and by "talk" I mean break up with.

She tells him she feels so comforted and safe with him, but basically isn't feeling it and doesn't want to keep leading him on especially into a situation that involves meeting his family because she knows how important his family is.

As they're saying goodbye, he FOREHEAD KISSES HER (which as I've pointed out makes me feel human emotions) and tells her "This is your journey and I am happy to have been a part of it." TEARS.

Unfortunately this is the screenshot I happened to get, pure coincidence, I cannot fight my own art.

And then there were four

Tayshia is still on a roll with dumping dudes, so much so that she decides she doesn't need a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony because she already knows what she wants to do. As a reminder, the guys remaining are Ben (who already has a rose), Zac, Ivan, Brendan and Noah. Oh and Bennett too because remember how he returned last week looking like the Grinch? Tayshia let him stay for the Rose Ceremony for shits and giggles.

In a series of events surprising no one, Noah and Bennett are sent home, leaving us with this top four:

I was sure to capture the best angle of each guy.

When the "all" the men have to "tell" is not much

Before we can get to hometowns, we take an intermission for the Men Tell All, which has about as many couches as it does men and takes place inside a kaleidoscope.

Aside from making the men, especially Blake and Riley who were the most recent dumpees, relive their breakups, I guess the point of this "tell all" is to confirm to Tayshia that she made the right choice in not choosing guys like:

Neck'tarine Ed who was unanimously named Manspreader of the Year:

This laughing hyena whose name I don't remember because we haven't seen him since he left 1000 years ago after he couldn't get over the 15 minutes he spent with Clare (not really sure why they included him anyway??):

And Boyband Man (not sure I've ever known his name) who wore a camo suit???

The only worthwhile moments were when we got to see the return of the black box during this unseen moment (emphasis on unseen) of Blake during his one-on-one with Tayshia when another....one....joined their date.

And also more seriously, when Tayshia and Riley talked for the first time since their breakup and she reassured him he didn't "scare her away" by opening up. 

Want to give kudos to Tayshia for chatting with the guys and not getting distracted by what appears to be a bejeweled pot roast: 

Or maybe it's some sort of Coca-Cola gemstone from a Coke mine? Y'all let me know.

After this momentary distraction, we're onto hometowns! And since they can't travel, each guy is tasked with planning a "hometown" date within the resort that'll later feature members of their family. 

It's like the Bachelorette version of Chopped, so let's see what random things these dudes throw together!

Brendan, the one who doesn't realize how hot he is

Brendan is up first and he plans a "carnival day" for his date with Tayshia because fairs and carnivals "happen often" in the small town he's from. Upon hearing this, no matter what his bio says, I'm just going to assume he's from Stars Hollow. 

His niece, Aliyah, joins them for the day, which gives Tayshia a glimpse into how great of a father Brendan would be.

After playing an assortment of games in Stars Hollow, Brendan then takes us back to The Parent Trap and he and Aliyah show us their "secret handshake." This is quickly followed by random dancing, therefore giving us this moment:

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While seeing white men dance generally causes me to have an intense allergic reaction, I found this extremely entertaining, I think because it reminded me of this otter (and ya girl LOVES otters and also LOVES Brendan, so).

Later, along with Aliyah, Tayshia gets to meet Brendan's brother (who he says is the most important person in his life) and sister-in-law. I do not remember Brendan's brother's name but I do remember his sister-in-law's name — Kristi. I'm assuming she spells it like that because it is the only accurate way to spell it, thanks.

All of the family chats go well — Brendan tells his brother that he wants a close family like his; Brendan's brother tells Tayshia that while he didn't think Brendan was ready for marriage a couple years ago, he can see that he's ready now; and Brendan's sister-in-law and Tayshia talk about how both Tayshia and Brendan have been divorced before, but that doesn't have to hang over their relationship now.

Everyone likes everyone and the evening ends with Tayshia and Brendan kissing in front of the (apparently only) fountain at this resort.

I am obsessed with Brendan and his soft spoken voice and also, he is clearly taking this whole engagement ordeal seriously for both his and Tayshia's sake since they've done this before. More importantly, this man is (to steal Chasen's very creative descriptor) a smoke show. As far as I know, that's the number one quality you need in a husband? Feel free to fact check me.

Zac, the one who thinks he's hot, but is very very not

Because it's been a few weeks since I first said it and also because I don't mind reiterating it, I call Zac "Circus Peanut" because Tayshia liking him makes about as much sense as someone picking circus peanuts as their favorite candy. 

For his date with Tayshia, Circus Peanut plans an "NYC day," which is exactly what someone from New Jersey would do. He first brings her to a cart of "New York bagels," aka bagels from the show's craft services tent. And next to the bagels is this ALARMING ASSORTMENT OF BAGEL "TOPPINGS":

WHO THE HELL IS PUTTING GUMMY BEARS AND SOUR GUMMY WORMS ON A BAGEL????? I HATE THIS DATE.

Next up, Zac treats Tayshia to "real New York pizza":

The fact check here is that no matter what anyone tells you, there is nothing more "real" than drunkenly eating a slice of 99 cent pizza while walking home. Beyond that, this pizza scene is troubling because of how tiny a bite Tayshia is taking when pizza is made to be eaten in gigantic bites. I don't make the rules.

Because this "NYC day" has been about as New York as Friends filming on a sound stage in Los Angeles, they end the day making out in the resort's fountain???

I know personally, there's nothing I want to do after a day of only eating carbs than get into a public fountain.

Later, Tayshia gets to meet Zac's parents and brother:

During the family conversations, Zac's brother asks Tayshia where Zac "ranks" among her relationships with the other guys. Because Tayshia does not owe shit to nobody, especially this man she just met 15 seconds ago, she skirts the question, which Zac's brother realizes she's doing. Despite that, their conversation goes well, as does Tayshia's chat with Zac's dad who says he can tell Zac's "smitten" and calls Tayshia a "wonderful person."

Zac's conversation with his mom is maybe the only time I've *slightly* liked him.

He tells her how grateful he is for her and that she is the reason he's alive. His mom says she just wants him to be happy and he's like well that's a coincidence because Tayshia makes me happy. Tayshia's conversation with his mom also goes well and everyone likes everyone.

They end the night with Zac's signature bobbing-for-apples looking makeout special, which is just another reminder of how baffled I am at Tayshia's attraction to him. Because of his, I predict he'll be one of the top two.

Ivan, the sweetheart (who is also really really hot)

For his date, Ivan asks Tayshia: "Are ready to get a little taste of what makes me, me?" And to that I say yes please, I'll have one of everything on the menu and the menu itself, thanks. As it turns out, Ivan is referring to actual taste and cooking and food and such.

Ivan talks about how he is half Filipino and food has always been a big part of his heritage and he wants to share some of that with Tayshia. They first watch a video from his "friend" who is "one of the world's most famous Filipino chefs" — and it's his adorable little niece cooking lumpia. 

Love this random assortment of items from the clearance section at Home Goods. They leave this staged setup of tools they do not need to head into the kitchen to make lumpia, which I've never made before, but I have eaten hundreds of at a time many times in the past. 

They end up semi-burning them probably because of the added heat produced by Ivan's hot bod, but he still lets Tayshia feed him one (and immediately makes a face letting us know they didn't turn out so great).

During this segment, we also get entirely too many shots of SHOES IN THE HOUSE????

THIS SHOW PURPOSELY TRIES TO CAUSE ME PAIN. PLEASE. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP WEARING SHOES IN THE HOUSE. 

Later, they continue to wear their shoes inside while meeting Ivan's parents. 

These family chats also go well. Even though Ivan's mom is skeptical of this whole thing (AS SHE SHOULD BE THIS SHOW IS BONKERS), she can see he's happy and that's what matters. Ivan's dad says he's impressed by Tayshia, but just wants them both to be sure about marriage (THE NORMAL PIECE OF ADVICE THAT SHOULD BE GIVEN).

When Ivan is chatting with his mom, she tells him all that matters is how he feels and she asks what comes next, now that they've met Tayshia. Ivan says "Next is meeting her parents and then there's a Fantasy Suites type situation and then...." I'm sorry but my mom would not let me glaze over the words "Fantasy Suites." She would IMMEDIATELY be like "wtf, fantasy, what, what is that" and then I'd do a body roll and say "BODY'ODY TIME" and then she would be exhausted that this is the way I am.

Ultimately, both of his parents are happy about the situation, but Ivan is a little sad that his brother, who's his best friend that knows him best, couldn't be here. As he's saying that, guess who walks in:

Ivan's brother, Gabriel, surprises the group and Ivan cries and it's honestly really sweet. 

Gabriel's talks with Ivan and Tayshia and tells them both he can see this is real and likes them as a couple.
So, much like the other two hometown dates, everyone likes everyone. The night ends well, so well that Ivan gives Tayshia the ol' "good game" butt pat before they say goodnight:

Wait, maybe this isn't the same as the "good game" pat. Anyway, I think Ivan will be the other guy in the top 2, but because he's the whole hot package, Tayshia will not pick him because she has a craving for circus peanuts. 

Ben, the secretly very sensitive one (who is also really really hot)

While Tayshia did this jump and koala-leg-wrap thing to every guy, Ben was the best at receiving it. You can tell how sturdy he is??? Like I bet his kidneys and lungs have abs.

For their date, Ben recreates the place he feels most himself, Venice Beach, and takes Tayshia for some rollerblading and other "Venice Beach" things like drinking juice shots and shopping for souvenirs.

I love this partially because it's fun and partially because it reminds me of my rollerblading glory days when I thought because I could jump a curb, I was surely headed for the X Games. 

They end the day portion of their date by hanging out in the pool and Ben tells Tayshia he's ready for marriage, but tbh the most important thing we get is this shirtless interview:

WHY HAVEN'T ALL OF BEN'S INTERVIEWS BEEN SHIRTLESS?? Also, I don't know how upset I should be that Ben's boobs are bigger than mine. 

Later, unfortunately Ben puts clothes back on so Tayshia can meet his sister and "close family friend, Antonia." AND BY ANTONIA, HE MEANS TOP CHEF AND CELEB CHEF ANTONIA LOFASO:

When Tayshia chats with Ben's sister, she tells her how perfect she thinks Ben is and his sister reassures her that he doesn't hide anything, but it sometimes takes time to break down his walls (which again, this man has already shared two very deeply personal things two weeks in a row, so).

During Ben's chat with CELEBRITY CHEF ANTONIA (I can't get over this), he says he likes how decisive and intelligent Tayshia is and how happy she makes him and he's never felt this way about anyone else. Antonia says "You love her" and at first, Ben waffles (mm waffles) before admitting "Yes, I am in love" and you can literally see the heart-shaped lightbulb go off.

With this realization, it's clear Ben wants to tell Tayshia he's in love with her and that's what we expect to happen before they end the night. However, this mostly ensues: 

You can tell he wants to say it and Tayshia is sort of expecting it, but ultimately, he just ends up saying he loves the way things are going. But I'm sure he'll get another chance to tell her, right?

Of course not, because....

This is very stupid

We made it through hometowns and now one guy has to go. Here's a visual refresher of our top four heading into the Rose Ceremony:

TAYSHIA ENDS UP SENDING HOME BEN. BEN. BIG HANDS, BIG BUNS, BIG HEART BEN. 

You can tell Ben is shocked and not really able to process what's happening because when Tayshia is walking him out, they stop to talk and it's a lot of awkward silence while Ben tries to eat his lips.

He keeps telling Tayshia that he'll "be alright" and Tayshia is upset that he's being so emotionless until eventually they both just get up and he gives her the ol' one-arm friend hug and leaves. In the car, he admits he loves her and is still in love with her (which makes sense, I mean she just dumped him 2.5 seconds ago). 

Meanwhile, Tayshia reports to the designated cry spot as marked by an orange sticker.

Based on how unsettled this all felt, I'm *pretty* sure Ben will come back either before Fantasy Suites or maybe on proposal day. What a weird sentence to say.

And that's it! It's Brendan, Ivan and Circus Peanut heading into the final two episodes. I have a feeling Tayshia will end up picking Zac because it makes the least sense, but on the flipside, that means we'll collectively be able to date Brendan and Ivan. Gotta look on the bright side.

See you next week for Fantasy Suites and the finale! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).