Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Pardeep, who got exponentially more screentime during the Men Tell All (3 minutes) as compared to when he was on the actual season (30 seconds, max):

His look of exhaustion accurately demonstrates how I felt throughout all 120 minutes of this "tell all" that aired an hour later than usual because some random boy band holiday special aired first. Ah yes, there's nothing more refreshing than having Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick as the opening act for this reunion.

Anyway, how frustrating do you think it must be for Pardeep, who is a neuroscientist, to be around men like Peter and Martin who collectively share maybe one insanely gelled brain cell at most. As you can imagine, there's a lot of stupidity ahead, so let's jump in!

Because enduring all of this once wasn't enough

We kick things off by reliving all of the petty arguments that transpired, beginning with Will and Peter. 

You probably remember Will for being really in love with that bomber jacket he won during the Top Gun group date and Peter for owning a pizzeria, having a receding hairline and for only speaking in phrases from 80s sitcoms. 

We learn that men are entirely too emotional because these two ding dongs are still feuding. When Peter is talking about his pizzeria and how it provides for his family, Will jumps in like "Speaking of your family...tell your sister to stay out of my DMs" and y'all, I screamed. A real Petty of Five.

Peter says that his pizzeria has received some terrible Yelp reviews lately and he feels certain that Will is behind them. The best part of this is that we get to see some of these hilarious negative reviews on the big screen.

"Also the owner is a cowardly child" HAHA, might as well sign the review "Love always, Will." Even though Will claims he "doesn't have time" to do such things, we all know these dumbass men have endless hours to dedicate to being stupid, so.

After all of this unbelievably ignorant back and forth, Peter has Will served with papers suing him for "defamation of character," while he's saying, "Rest in Pizza" and dear God, what's actually illegal here is how incredibly corny Peter is. 

He's not even a formidable villain, more like one of the bad guys from Rocky & Bullwinkle who was always getting one upped by a literal squirrel and moose.

At the end of the evening, Peter surprises everyone with pizza flown in from his pizzeria in Florida (sounds very fresh) and Will admits it's pretty good and they end up shaking hands and burying the hatchet. This actually makes a lot of sense since they're both children and there's nothing that brings children together like pizza.

This man has surely cheated on every woman he's ever been with

We can't do a show-and-tell of this season's trash without noting Martin! We learn that he and his 90s dye job had a girlfriend before coming on the show, but they "took a break" while he was on the show and now they're back together. Yeah so um, that's called having a girlfriend while you're on the show. This is not a Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" situation. 

Once Michelle joins the group, he semi-apologizes for being a dick, but lets her know that being on the show taught him that GASP women actually deserve to be treated like humans. He had no idea before, but now he has found his "soul mate" who he "treats like a queen." Congrats to this poor woman who gets to be with Martin who just learned that women should be respected. I'm sure the "Sundays are for the Boys" flag he has hanging in his living room is so romantic. Swoon.

Speaking of Michelle, interjection to say....

Can you believe Michelle had to date some of these men

Michelle, who has those brows and that face and such a kind and big heart, had to endure men like Martin for several weeks. Where is her medal. She really shouldn't have to like, pay taxes or something for life just based on the fact that she held back from throat punching some of these fools.

How much patience I have for Jamie

The final boss of this dumpster pile —Jamie — returns and reminds us that he continues to look both old and young at the same time. He reveals that he's no longer gaslighting. No no, he's reached a point beyond gaslighting where he just exists in a forest fire nonstop. He still can't admit that it was pretty terrible that he started the whole rumor about "everyone" questioning Michelle's character and then walked around like "Omg who started that rumor."

Casey perfectly summarizes Jamie by saying he's "Tony Robbins off camera, uplifting everyone, but shitty on camera, like when he said Michelle was acting like she was on spring break."

While we're all swimming in Jamie's word vomit, Rodney tries to offer a life raft by telling Jamie to just simply apologize so everyone can move on. But see, that's impossible because when Jamie hears questions about apples, he responds with answers about steak. Nothing makes sense here, not even that metaphor.

He claims everything bad he did on camera was misinterpreted because he was "venting," an excuse that holds about as much water as cotton candy and Michelle calls him out for it. 

Finally after an hour and 40 minutes of every single person in the studio and across the street and in the next state telling him to just accept responsibility and apologize, the half broken lightbulb in his brain flickers. He tells Michelle that he's sorry she "felt disrespected" and apologizes. 

To be clear, this man for sure still doesn't know what an "apology" is, but I'm sure he could feel that promo code for powdered supergreens slipping through his fingers. Gotta remember what's really at stake here, #swipeup!

Enough with rummaging through the trash let's get to...

The good ones

Rick and his natural eyeliner only have kind and sweet things to say about Michelle, including "she listens to understand, not to respond." His presence on stage is like a mist of Febreze after the Peter/Will/Martin/Jamie shit show. 

I mean, look how he lights up when Michelle comes onstage! 

I know I said I was initially creeped out by him, but turns out I'm really into being creeped out. Who knew. Please join us for our spring wedding where our first dance will be to Radiohead's "Creep."

And we of course can't talk about the good guys without mentioning our favorite Mayor of the Friend Zone:

Tayshia and Kaitlyn make Rodney relive the painful breakup that we watched last week, where he told Michelle it would take a while for him to get over her because.....he was in love with her. He's for sure still an active member of the Michelle Young fan club and I think he's the sweetest, so much so that I would love to date hi.....s friend, do you know if any of his friends are single.  

Now while I think Rick and Rodney (oh wow, where's the spin-off show for them) are great, there's one standout guy.....

Who should've been the next Bachelor

Besides the fact that he's dressed better than everyone, Olu emerged as one of the best guys in the bunch. When Kaitlyn asks Michelle who she maybe sent home too early, she says she wishes she would've had more time with Olu because he always had her best interests in mind. And he really did. He avoided drama for the most part and focused only on Michelle (and also on his abs routine, because wow). 

But, instead of giving us a fun Bachelor season with Olu, the show decided we needed a bland ol' flavorless oatmeal of a season from Clayton. The preview for his season confirms this and I remain absolutely baffled as to why he was chosen. But hey, I imagine we'll peel back the layers of his personality during his season to reveal oh wait, there are no layers, just one. This onion has one layer. 

And that's it! Or well, I'm not mentioning how the show made Tayshia address her recent breakup with Zac because that entire bit felt completely random and forced and wtf ABC, she had her reasons. If a man made me run a marathon, I'd dump his ass too.

See you next week for Fantasy Suites! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Hometown Dates)

Apologies for not posting last week, but I was booked and busy preparing to eat an entire turkey (if you're picturing that episode of Friends, yes I am Joey). But to summarize my thoughts on last week: MARTIN IS A DELUSIONAL TRASH ASS MAN WHO SHOULD LEAVE US ALONE FOREVER AND ALSO WE MUST DO WHAT WE CAN TO ENSURE OLU FINDS LOVE. That's all you missed reading.

It's hometown dates week! But they're taking place in Michelle's hometown, so this is a real hometown in a hometown date, which isn't that the premise for Inception (omg calm down, I know the premise of Inception is to showcase how hot Joseph Gordon Levitt got).

Let's jump in!

Portland, Minnesota with Brandon

Brandon, who I am obsessed with, is up first and he brings a bit of Portland to Minnesota by taking Michelle on a date at a skatepark because skating is something he grew up doing with his brother.

And sorry, but there is basically no date situation where I want to be wearing a helmet. Not because of the danger element likely associated with it, but because absolutely everyone looks like a child with a helmet on. Doesn't matter how hot you are, when you put a helmet on, you are Tommy Pickles.

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Anyway, after falling a bunch, Brandon gets Michelle on a skateboard because there's no one you want more to teach you how to skateboard than a man you just watched flop all over a skatepark.

Afterwards, they sit and chat and what I need to know is WHAT IS IN THAT PINK BOX??? DO YOU THINK ITS DONUTS???? CUPCAKES???? I NEED TO KNOW. 

Brandon lets Michelle know that introducing her to his family is a new thing because he's never brought someone home who he "cares about so much," which makes me ask, does that mean he's brought home plenty of girls who he doesn't care about?? If so, I would love to not be cared about??

Later, Michelle meets Brandon's parents and brother. 

Ahead of their arrival, Brandon's mom says it's odd that he's dating someone she hasn't met yet and if that's odd, then wow I guess my family is the Odd Family because I never subject my family to the cockatoos I date.

Brandon's hot brother, who btw is casually delaying entry into the Navy to be here because sometimes Uncle Sam calls but Uncle ABC calls louder, tells Michelle that he's concerned that she's dating 3 other guys.

Which yes, this is the regular thing that all family members on this show should always bring up first. Like, you're meeting your brother's girlfriend who has 3 other boyfriends, that is for sure the premise for a TLC show. But hot brother comes around because he can tell how much Brandon cares for Michelle, who tells him that she can 100% see herself with Brandon at the end of this. 

Both of Brandon's parents love Michelle (obviously), his dad especially who bonds with Michelle over fishing and basketball. 

They end the night how every hometown date is legally required to be concluded — by making out on a bench.

Brandon has expressed his feelings before, but he tells Michelle he's falling for her and she tells him she's also falling for him, making this our first (but not last) double fall of the week!

Gonna be honest, I'm now predicting Michelle picks Brandon. This prediction is a win-win for me in that if I'm right, my close personal friend Michelle gets true love with a sweet guy and if I'm wrong, my close personal friend me gets true love with hot Brandon.

Appletown (apparently), Minnesota with Rodney

Rodney, whose whole thing with Michelle is based on the apple costume he wore on night one (the strongest foundation for any relationship), tells Michelle that they'll be spending the day picking apples that are only grown in Minnesota called "first kiss" apples. And that's cute and all, but isn't this supposed to be about his hometown, which is Rancho Cucamonga? Shouldn't they actually be reenacting scenes from Bring It On?

Alas, there is no spirit stick, instead they frolic and pick apples and taste them with various dips (while blindfolded because this is also their thing??).

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During all of this, Michelle keeps saying how she can see Rodney being her "best friend," which oh hey can I show you this location on the map it's called the Friend Zone. Rodney is sweet, but he is truly the mayor of the Friend Zone. So when Michelle says she can see him as her "life partner," I assume she means partner in playing the board game, Life.

Later, Michelle gets to meet Rodney's mom and stepdad.

What do you think is in the gifts the Bachelorette/Bachelor always brings to these family meetings? Do you think it's just full of all the uneaten coot, accumulated throughout the season, because that doesn't sound disgusting at all to me, I am interested in a bag o'coot.

When Michelle talks with Rodney's mom, she tells her that she doesn't laugh with anyone else as hard as she laughs with Rodney.

His mom is like hehe that's great but um, you're dating 3 other dudes and there's a chance Rodney could have his heart broken. Michelle reassures her by saying if her flight was canceled and she was stuck in an airport for 5 hours, Rodney is someone she could picture getting through it with. Phew, you're welcome mom, don't you feel so much better.

Rodney's mom also shares her concerns with him and he tells her that he's falling in love and Michelle is "worth the risk," which wow I have a cavity because of how incredibly sweet that is.

During bench time, he tells her he's falling in love.

And she says she's falling in lo...aded mashed potatoes, jk, that actually would've been better because she just doesn't say anything in return. Not looking good for Rodney!

Actual Minnesota with Minnesota Joe

Joe is the only guy whose hometown date is in his actual hometown, so to kick things off, he brings Michelle to his high school (since she took him to hers before).

They walk around his enormous She's All That high school before he stops her near this ledge and tells her he's "always wanted to do this" but never had a girlfriend to do it with.

And I'm sorry, NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND?? JOE??? THIS MAN WITH THIS FACE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND??? This fact is actually what they should've teased in promos as "THE MOST DRAMATIC REVEAL YET."

To wrap up their time on Riverdale, Joe surprises Michelle with a prom because he never got to go to one (AGAIN, WHAT???) and she mentioned getting picked last for dances and he wants her to know she'll always be first with him (SERIOUSLY, THIS MAN, DID NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND??).

They take photos and dance to royalty-free music and most importantly, actually eat the snacks.

I need to know what production assistant decided that a bowl of PLAIN ASS LAYS was the best chip choice when there are perfectly good bags of Doritos available everywhere.

Later, Michelle meets Joe's parents, brother and sister-in-law.

We learn that there actually is someone who is quieter than Joe and that's his dad. They speak for about 1 minute before Joe asks his dad if he has any questions about it all AND HIS DAD SAYS NO and they sit in silence. 

Joe's mom, brother and sister-in-law all love Michelle because they can tell how excited he is to be with her and they can see that she pushes him to express himself more and share his feelings.

Michelle and Joe end the night on literally the same bench setup from Rodney's date and Joe tells Michelle he's falling in love with her and that she's "that special person" for him. She tells him she's falling in love too, making it 2/3 for the week.

Now obviously, I love Joe and it would be easiest for him to end up with Michelle since they already live in the same town and have so much in common. Buuuuuut, I'm still thinking Brandon has a slight edge.

Austin, Minnesota with Nayte

To share a little of his life in Austin with Michelle, Nayte takes her out paddle boarding because it's something he always does a few times a week.

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During this joint paddle board situation, Joe is like "I have balance, see" and in response, Michelle is like "you have a nice body" HAHAHA excuse me am I writing the lines for this show.

When they sit to chat, Nayte tells Michelle she'll be the FIRST woman he's introduced to his mom and stepdad (who are divorced now), so they'll likely be very protective over him. He says they've never seen him "head over heels for someone," before telling Michelle that he's crazy about her and falling in love with her, which Michelle says in return. Wow, not even saving it for bench time, this is unprecedented.

Later, it's time for the "he may not be ready for this" family meeting, which is required to happen every season.

Nayte's mom tells Michelle that she's worried he's being "swept up" because he's never been in a relationship that might end in marriage and she doesn't want him to feel pressure to get engaged. This doubt is put on full volume for us when Nayte admits to his mom that he's "not 100% there" right now for engagement BECAUSE HE'S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE. And like, I'm no relationship expert, but I'm pretty sure saying "I love you" for the first time shouldn't happen when you get engaged, but what do I know.

While Nayte's stepdad is happy to see him happy, he also doesn't think Nayte is ready for an engagement. 

So 3 out of 4 people here do not think Nayte is ready to get married — his mom, his stepdad and him. I'm not a mathematician (I'm just trying to date one, remember Romeo), but these odds don't seem the best.

Nayte talking with his stepdad about Michelle does spur a lot of emotions because they've never actually talked this deeply before. 

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Nayte tells his stepdad that when he has a family, he wants to be to them what his stepdad was to him and his stepdad says "you'll be better than me" AND WOWWWW LEMME GET THESE TEARS. They hug and then tell each other they love each other FOR THE FIRST TIME and sometimes this show is good, okay.

So great progress for Nayte's relationship with his stepdad, but not the best for his relationship with Michelle. Nonetheless, things conclude on what we've now learned is THEEEE bench for hometown dates:

They could've at least changed the lamps or something, I mean come on.

THE RETURN OF COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!!!!

After all of the hometown dates, Bri and Serena drop by to see how Michelle is dealing with juggling four boyfriends (it's tiring). They obviously all became best friends after suffering through Matt's season and hearing "thank you for sharing that" 1 billion times.

While I'd normally use this as an opportunity to scream that it's not too late for the show to give Bri her own Bachelorette season, I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend now, so anyways IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO GIVE BRI HER OWN SEASON, ABC!!

Not them lining up the guys from tallest to shortest

Let's all remember that Nayte is like 6'7", so Brandon isn't actually a short king, okay and actually they should swap Rodney and Brandon and wow this is a stupid thing to be talking about.

As expected (based on who she said she was falling in love with), Michelle gives roses to Brandon, Nayte and Joe, sadly sending home sweet Rodney. He departs like any sweet Mayor of the Friend Zone does, by kissing her hand:

And that's it! Honestly, this was probably the best final four and now, three, we've seen in a while. All such high quality guys who seem to genuinely care for Michelle. We'll see what happens in these last few episodes, but I'm still thinking she's going to pick Brandon.

See you next week when some of the trash we threw out returns for the Men Tell All! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Nayte making this face at Chris that I think is safe to say is the face 110% of people make at Chris at all times:

We'll get into all of this stupidity soon (I know you were worried). We're in Michelle's hometown of Minneapolis this week, so let's jump in! 

A Minnesota date with Minnesota Joe

Prior ghost Joe gets this week's first solo date that begins the way that most first dates do, by throwing out a pitch at a Minnesota Twins game:

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Very casual, honestly if you don't do this with all of your Tinder dates, you're lazy.

They then visit Michelle's high school where she takes Joe on a stroll down memory lane, showing him where her old locker was and photos and trophies from when she played basketball along with some yearbooks:

If someone asked me to show them where my high school locker was, I'd have to track down the Honda Prelude I drove back then and open the trunk because yes bb that's where those Physics and Calculus textbooks resided 24/7.

They wrap up the 17 Again portion of the date with a game of one-on-one in Michelle's old gym before sitting down for serious talk in the bleachers. 

Michelle tells Joe that he reminds her of her dad and brother because of how reserved he is. He tells her that he's always been like this, probably because his dad was even more reserved than him, but he's working on opening up more and being with her on this "journey" has helped.

Later at dinner, Joe opens up even more, telling Michelle about the mental struggles he faced after his basketball career came to an end in college due to injuries. 

He knew he wasn't in a good place and needed to focus on what could make him happy outside of basketball, which is why he ended up moving back to Minnesota. 

Even though it's clear it makes him uncomfortable to share all of this Michelle, Joe tells her that he's trying and wants to open up because she's worth it.

And to that I say, you know what's worth it, whatever that fried piece of chicken? fish? is on his plate next to what appears to be a steak. A LIL SURF N' TURF, HUH. I admire how everyone on this show is able to naturally ignore plates of food 6 inches away from their face. Like if there's a burrito within a 2 mile radius of me, I am staring at it.

Anyway, Joe of course gets a rose and unless he somehow ghosts her on TV, he is FOR SURE in Michelle's top 3. 

I guess we're just promoting all Minnesota sports teams

This week's group date takes place at the Minnesota Vikings' stadium, but instead of being joined by Vikings players, the group is joined by Vikings actors (this is a real "what you ordered vs. what you got" moment):

The guys change into Vikings outfits that 90% of them look not so bad in, while the other 10% of them are named Chris:

I could not stop laughing. While I know this is supposed to be a centaur costume, the way he was trotting around made him look like a donkey, which actually makes more sense since he really is half man, half jackass.

Anyway, the guys compete against each other while doing a bunch of things like throwing logs and arm wrestling and eating disgusting food — all things that are necessary in a future husband apparently. In the end, Pinky is named "ultimate viking":

This is literally the most we've heard from Clayton in 5 weeks and I mean that literally. He "viking" screams several times at levels I've personally only heard while I am singing Adele (SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUUUU).

Later during the date's cocktail party, Michelle thanks all of these milk duds for stepping up and GASP not ignoring her, the Bachelorette, this week. The bar, it is so low, it is below ground.

During her time with Brandon, Michelle surprises him with some more nordic fish because he seemed to enjoy it so much during the viking challenge:

Y'all, he really bit the entire head off this dried fish, like Bear Grylls went for it.

Okay but this time, the "nordic fish" is actually Swedish Fish candy, which tbh is just as disgusting.

I SAID WHAT I SAID, SWEDISH FISH IS A STUPID CANDY THAT HAS NO FLAVOR AND THE ONLY PUROSE IT SERVES IS TO GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.

Swedish Fish aside, I find Brandon adorable. He tells her that he doesn't know if they'll end up together because he knows she has to follow her heart, but he's truly investing in their relationship. 

Michelle also has a really nice conversation with Clayton and actually all of the guys make the most of their time with her, except for one miniature horse:

Chris is too busy making out with his drink to talk to Michelle, who he thinks should be the one seeking him out (love a man gaslighting himself into believing this is his season of The Bachelor). He spends the entire night sulking around like his daddy just told him he can't get another Porsche and thinks that sharing that news about Nayte last week is the equivalent of gifting Michelle a house, so she owes him attention and gratitude. When really, what he is owed is us grabbing him (probably with just one hand) and flinging him directly into the sun.

Anyway, we'll come back and squash this Chris bug later. Ultimate viking champ Clayton gets the group date rose.

Lake date with Nayte

The man Chris wishes he could be, Nayte, gets this week's second one-on-one. Michelle takes him out on Lake Minnetonka because it's where she spent a lot of time growing up and where she dreams of having a house one day.

They're soon joined by two of her best friends who are here to ask the "hard questions," can't you tell:

They ask Nayte such softball questions like "Do the guys in the house like you" and "Did you expect to fall this quickly for someone." It just reminded me that my best friends would not be coming in that ill prepared, but would be like "YEAH SUP, WE PRINTED OUT YOUR ENTIRE CREDIT HISTORY AND WE'VE INTERVIEWED ALL OF YOUR EXES AND TALKED TO YOUR LAST 3 BOSSES, NOW TELL US WHY YOUR EMAIL PASSWORD IN 2006 HAD THIS GIRL'S NAME IN IT." 

Her friends of course love Nayte because I mean, have you seen Nayte (this is exactly why I do in fact need relationship supervision from friends) and he and Michelle end their lake day by jumping in because you didn't think these producers would miss an opportunity to show Nayte shirtless, right.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Michelle asks Nayte what he needs in a relationship and he tells her open dialogue, good communication, someone to call him out on his BS and someone to have fun with. Which okay all standard stuff, this is the equivalent of someone saying they "love to travel" on their dating profile.

Michelle then shares more about her past, specifically, a toxic 3-year relationship that caused her so much stress and anxiety, she became physically ill and couldn't keep food down. The guy eventually left her when she was at her sickest and she moved back in with her parents and really struggled for a time, which aint it the move of a trash ass man to make you get sick, then leave you because you're sick. FLING HIM, INTO THE SUN.

Anyway, Michelle and Nayte are really connecting and she tells him today has been one of her favorite days ever, that is until.....

A wild Frodo emerges from the shadows at an unfortunate angle that proves he's about the same height as Nayte...when Nayte is sitting down. Chris has become so frustrated that no one is paying any attention to his temper tantrum, that he's decided to bring it front and center. And I gotta tell ya, this is not the face of a woman who is thrilled to see him:

Nayte calls him "weird," which is factual, before Michelle agrees to talk with him for a few minutes because I think she knows if she doesn't, he will start rolling around on the floor. This is then the face she has to endure:

This man is somehow the personification of Monday — like here I am again, to ruin your life.

Long story short (hehe), Chris is upset that Michelle didn't worship him for telling her about the non dramatic thing Nayte said. He also can't believe she had the audacity to do what she wanted (keep Nayte around) instead of what he wanted (for her to lift him up so he could dunk). Michelle tells him that she didn't like him speaking for her at last week's cocktail party and she needs a man who can support her when she speaks, not speak for her. 

She then wraps things up by telling him that they're clearly not on the same page and asks if he's heard this song called BYE BYE BYE because his ass is going home (she might not have said that, we'll never know). 

With that short king out of our lives, Michelle returns to Nayte and gives him a rose.

I imagine Nayte will also be in Michelle's top 3.

Wait when did we get down to 10 guys

Michelle opens this week's Rose Ceremony cocktail party by sharing the news that she sent Crisco home and y'all, look how happy she is to say it because that man really gave her the ick:

She then spends time with the 10 guys who are left (weren't there like 85 men here last week), including surprising Brandon with a birthday cake:

By now you should know why I'm including this moment — LOOK HOW TASTY THAT CAKE LOOKS. THAT PERFECT FROSTING. THOSE BERRIES. I bet it's (sorry to say it) SO MOIST.

Michelle's having a pretty great time, which is a huge change from the hot mess every other cocktail party has been. Sensing things are just going too well for Michelle, Lance Ass swoops in to remind her that men with hair like this, should never be loved:

During his time with Michelle, Martin tells her that she isn't high maintenance, which is good because "all girls in Miami are," which is hilarious to hear coming from a man who probably spends more on his hair in a week than most women do in a year. Michelle then asks him what he means by "high maintenance" and he bumbles saying it's when women "expect" the man to do everything and that men don't normally go into relationships with that thinking. And this is Michelle's face while he delivers his dissertation on women:

Martin then feels totally fine and secure about what he said to Michelle as is evident in him running to anyone who will listen to say "I feel totally fine about what I said to Michelle, totally fine, I'm breezy, what I said was totally okay, and if it wasn't, Michelle misunderstood." And the way the other guys don't encourage him or say "Sure man!" while he's flopping is hilarious, they're just letting him Captain D's flounder out here.

Anywho, heading into the Rose Ceremony, 3 guys have roses (Joe, Clayton and Nayte) and there's 5 roses to give out among the remaining 7 roseless dudes (where was this word problem on the SAT). 

In the end, Michelle KEEPS DUMBASS MARTIN AROUND and sends home Leroy and Dax Shepard lookalike Casey. My guess is the producers told her she's contractually obligated to maintain one problematic man until at least the top 6, so congrats to Martin for becoming the reigning stupidest man of the season.

But we're down to 8 guys! See you all next week as we give thanks that we're finally getting close to the finale. Til then, find me eating entire pecan pies in preparation for the holiday and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).