Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's commentary is brought to you by Anna and Magi, looking exactly what I look like while watching this show every week:

Both frazzled regret and extreme exhaustion.

We made it to Week 4! And we're still waiting 4 Matt to 4ray into sending at least 4 of the 40 women home. A lot of nothing happened this week, so let's get to it.

But the trash hasn't been taken out

This week begins with Victoria still on her same ol' bullshit following Sarah's departure, saying "the trash has been taken out." A weird assertion considering there's still a weird old eggs and mustard stench, meaning the trash in question, Victoria, is still here.

Victoria looks like she literally brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack (hi Ke$ha) and then gets ready for the day by wearing all of the WebMD symptoms for the flu. It's like she fell into a radioactive vat of something in week 2 and it's slowly turning her into some sort of Spider-Man villain.

Anyway so Victoria is still talking about Sarah, even though she's gone home, until our one voice of reason, Katie, tells Victoria that there's no need for her rudeness. This immediately sets off Shitoria's alarms and automatically makes Katie her new nemesis. She tells her she can do whatever she wants, which I guess includes being a bully but not practicing basic hygiene. And don't worry! Like an untreated bout of heartburn, this stupid Victoria drama returns and is just as "am I going to throw up" the second time around.

Later in the day (or week? What is time here?), Victoria demands an apology from Katie because she was just "expressing" herself and it was out of line for Katie to be "rude" to her. And like how I'm sure Victoria thinks the Earth is shaped, Katie flat out says she's not apologizing and that Victoria is toxic, insecure and attacks people. She then really hits it home by telling her when she's being a bitch, she's going to call her one. And tbh that sounds exhausting for Katie. It would probably be easier for her to record the word "bitch" and just play it over and over on tape in Victoria's room. 

Even though my girlfriend Sarah left, I guess I'll hang out with y'all

Sarah leaving makes Matt very sad because he for sure liked her more than approx 95% of the women here. But, instead of canceling the upcoming group date, he still shows up because that is his one job here (a job Clare was not good at). But not before sulking in some flannel first.

As a reminder of who already has roses — extra vowel Rachael got last week's group date rose and Serena P. got a rose on her one-on-one. So this is the last chance for one of these 48 women to get assurance before the actual ceremony. Most of the date includes the women making sure Matt is "okay" because you know, his favorite girlfriend did just leave, so it's only polite for his less favorite girlfriends to check on him. 

Other than that, I remember exactly two parts about this date: 

1) How unhinged it is:

Literally, that weird dollhouse door, why is it unhinged. 

2) Chelsea.

She shares a photo with Matt of her when she had long hair and talks about how hair is so emotional for Black women and how shaving her head was a freeing experience.

She really opens up and shares some insightful thoughts, which opens the door for Matt to also share something deep. Anyway, he promptly slams that door, instead opting to say "Your dress on night one was BAM BAM BAM." Sigh. Chelsea ends up getting the group date rose.

I feel bad about this one, but

I CAN'T UNSEE IT. And now you won't be able to either. Honestly this isn't an insult.

A Rose Ceremony where more people arrive than leave

So it's the Rose Ceremony cocktail party and everyone is taking a number to talk with Matt. At some point he is forced to endure a conversation with Victoria and has to pretend he's willingly doing it while also avoiding staring at her Oregon Trail rash/pink eye situation:

Thankfully, Chris Harrison interrupts them and asks Matt to join him in the front of Chateau Finding Nemo because surprise! FIVE NEW WOMEN ARE ARRIVING.

One of them is Brittany, a model from Chicago, who tells him she's going to make out, I mean make up, for lost time:

This, along with the entire concept of new women arriving, infuriates the oldies in the house because after all, they've all put in work over the past 2.5 days of knowing Matt and have formed very deep and meaningful connections with him. How dare he meet anyone new when they've known him for decades of minutes. As a note, from this point forward, they refer to themselves as "The OGs," which we will not be doing here. Oldies is what we will be doing.

One of the other new women is Catalina, a former Miss Puerto Rico (we were really slacking on the pageant queens this season). After she greets all of the women wearing her crown and sash, Shitoria says she is "the queen" and "deserves that crown" BEFORE SNATCHING IT FROM CATALINA'S HEAD:

How Catalina did not smack the dark bags from Victoria's eyes is beyond me. This is incredibly rude for obvious reasons but also because it's incredibly dangerous for Victoria to expose this new girl to her armpits like that. Poison.

As the new girls are settling in, Anna has a realization and it's not that she looks just like Claire from "Modern Family":

Anna is also from Chicago and recognizes Brittany because as we all know, Chicago is such a small little town that everyone just knows everyone. This plot point will return soon because Anna realizes this is the only way she's getting camera time.

Oh yeah, remember there's a Rose Ceremony. Of the five new arrivals, four get roses and only new girl Kim is sent home along with naked girl Kaili and OUR DURHAM GIRL KHAYLAH. Cries in Carolina.

Checking in with Abigail's hoops

This week we're getting a pop of color! Can we just make her the next Bachelorette already.

Time to humiliate the women some more

Ahead of our next batch of dates, Matt decides he needs some advice. And what better person to get that advice from than a man who has failed at finding love on this show like three times — Ben Higgins. 

Their conversation primarily consists of them quoting inspirational posters to one another, but it's just the encouragement Matt needs before another group date meant to embarrass the women.

This group date includes a Fall-themed "obstacle course," which as we've learned is code for making the women embarrass themselves while doing some sort of physical activity. They first have to row across this random pond in giant pumpkins (you read that correctly) before changing into squirrel costumes to find their assigned "nut":

In the end, Mari wins, which in the Bachelor universe translates to nothing — no extra time with Matt, no extra snacks, literally nothing.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Claire from Modern Family is talking with Matt telling him how much she enjoyed the day because she grew up in Minnesota along the water and Matt's like, that's great and all but do you like how my jacket is made from the same material as these pillows:

Anna's Minnesota chat is interrupted by Brittany, who remember, Anna "recognizes" from itty bitty town Chicago. At first, she won't give up her time with Matt before finally giving in because Brittany is hovering over them (lolllll).

Annoyed Anna then heads outside to offer her drama as a sacrifice to the stupid and ignorant altar of Victoria who is so glad to receive it because it's getting close to the end of the episode and the fix from that early drama with Katie is really wearing off.

This is Anna, illuminated by the Satan fire of Victoria, as she tells her that she was warned to "watch out" for Brittany because she "knows all of the rich men in Chicago" and "entertains them for money." First off, how could Anna be warned about Brittany if she didn't know she would be joining the show? Secondly, "knowing" all of the rich men in Chicago isn't a crime and also is there an app or something to easily find these men, asking for a friend. And thirdly, her use of "entertains," immediately makes me picture Brittany like juggling while riding a unicycle, which tbh is pretty impressive and we should applaud her for.

While Anna is outside letting Victoria drag her to the depths of gossip, Matt's continuing his conversations with the ladies, with his last convo being with our girl, comms manager Bri. It goes a little like this:

Bri: I felt so silly in that squirrel suit
Matt: The squirrel suit!
Bri: I'm really felling us though
Matt: You're feeling it!

It's like Matt is wearing a wire while trying to catch Bri admitting to a crime and he's unsure if his wire is picking up everything Bri is saying, so he's repeating it just in case.

At the end of the night, Matt calls out our two smalltown Chicago girls, Brittany and Anna, for such great conversations, but says he can only give the rose to one woman and it's.....

OBVIOUSLY BRI, HAHAHA. I do love to see it. Also my guess is Bri will be in his top 6, if we ever get to fewer than 25 women.

When someone "genuinely" asks if you're an escort

After Bri gets the group date rose and Matt leaves, Anna feels compelled to confront Brittany with the rumors she's heard about her. This conversation ensues:

Anna: People warned me about you and said you were an escort and stuff
Brittany: Wait, did you tell people that
Anna: No I didn't. Well, only everyone here on the show and all of the crew, also this morning I went for a hike and screamed it from the mountain tops and I did get it tattooed on my back, but other than that, no
Brittany: .....
Anna: Anyway, it's a terrible thing to say, so I apologize but also like is it true
Brittany: I can't believe I'm having to say "I'm not an escort"

Congrats to Anna for joining Victoria's mean girl club! There's stale cookies for you in the back and a carpet made of Legos. 

One-on-one with Michelle

With all of this tension in the house, it only gets more tense after new girl Michelle, a teacher from Minnesota, gets this week's solo date. This greatly upsets all of the oldies who have been waiting in this DMV waiting room for their number to be called for weeks. And I get it because I have questions too, rather, I have one question:

Is that a chunk of parmesan cheese behind her. Can someone let me know, thanks.

For their date, Matt says they'll be doing an "extreme scavenger hunt," beginning with zip lining and then, brace yourselves for MAXIMUM EXTREMENESS:

POPPING BALLOONS WITH UNNECESSARILY LARGE SAFETY PINS. The balloons have questions inside of them to ask each other including how many kids they want to have (they both want 3).

To round out this extreme day, they then go for a hot air balloon ride and by "ride" I mean the balloon literally has ropes keeping it in one place. EXTREME TO THE MAX:

They kiss for the first time and like the girls who are watching with binoculars from the house say, "Can you imagine having your first kiss in a hot air balloon?" It's cute.

Later at dinner, Matt asks Michelle about why she became a teacher. She tells him she's always wanted to help people and as a teacher, she knows she's making a difference. She also talks about the past year and how close to home the George Floyd protests were and how she worked really hard to be there for her students of color. In return, Matt shares basically nothing about himself, but does give Michelle a rose.

Want to note that she is one of my new favorites and I hope she sticks around (and I think she will) for a while.

Things Serena did this week

She wore a tube top dress with hoops then pretended to be wearing a superhero mask then didn't talk to Matt at all before getting a rose. REMAINS UNBEATEN.

This seems like a bad idea

The next group date of the week doesn't feature any new girls, so the oldies start referring to themselves as "the varsity squad." Which I mean, I guess you can't fault them for using that term since half of them did just graduate high school like two years ago. 

Anyway, they learn they'll be BOXING EACH OTHER. So I'm sure nothing can go wrong, seems totally safe and fine. First though, they need to practice with World Boxing Champion Mia St. John (in the pink) and also on some punching bags that have been randomly placed in this forest. Wtf. What poor production assistant had to drag these from a perfectly good gym.

After approx 15 minutes of learning how to wear gloves, the ladies are totally ready to get into the ring! They're paired up and throw in to just go at it, which made me think of two things: 1) Omg someone is def gonna get hurt and 2) Omg if I was on this show, my broad Michael Phelps shoulders and tree trunk legs would def hurt someone.

Luckily, no one gets seriously injured and they all meet up later for the evening portion of the date. Nothing particularly interesting happens except for SERENA'S FULL ASS GLASS OF WINE:

This is what a standard pour should look like.

Oh also, I know I bring up big hands a lot and anyway I haven't changed, HERE'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW BIG MATT'S HANDS ARE:

THEY'RE PRACTICALLY THE SIZE OF RACHAEL'S ARM. Oh btw, that's Rachael in case you don't recognize her by the back of her head and arm. 

At some point before the group date is over, Matt is outside talking with the producers while the women are inside still talking shit about the new girls (remember it's only oldies on this date). Katie, who is the only mature one here, finally reaches her breaking point with their bullying, so she heads outside to talk to Matt about it.

She tells him how terrible this environment has been for the new girls and how it's just not right to subject them to this level of bullying. Matt thanks her for letting him know and promises to "get to the bottom of it," which I mean, toxic sludge Victoria is still here so I think we are at the literal bottom. We're there. And based on what happens every time anyone on this show ever says they're going to "get to the bottom of it," I can guarantee you he won't be doing shit. SHOCKING.

And that's it! We'll have to wait until next week to see who gets the group date rose, how will we ever survive not knowing for that long, wow.

See you next week! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

This week's commentary is brought to you by the only good thing happening this season, the growing best friendship between Abigail and Magi:

I can't decide if they should go on Bachelor on Paradise because on one hand, we would get to see more of them, but on the other, they would have to endure so many ding dongs on that sweaty beach. Luckily, we have plenty of time to mull it over (because this blog gets to make the final decision).

Anywho, this week picks up where the Rose Ceremony left off with Sarah passing out. Matt cares for her before bringing her back to the group and bottomline is Cruella de Victoria gets the last rose and Marylynn is sent home because the producers hate us.

Let's get to the dates! Like people dates, not the dried fruit, but the fruit would actually be much better for us.

A group date where everyone gets to write fanfic

For the first group date, half of the house is first greeted by former Crying Girl, Ashley I, reading a "sexy" excerpt from a romantic novel CHRIS HARRISON WROTE??? Because when I think erotica, my first thought is sex god Chris Harrison, for sure. Sorry to Ashley for this being the screenshot I captured:

Anyway, the ladies learn they'll have to write a love scene featuring them and Matt and then read their fanfic in front of an audience featuring the other half of the house.

Matt reads his first and it starts with "The smell of chocolate cake," which got my heart racing so much that I do not remember anything else he said.

The girls then take turns repeatedly saying words like "chiseled" and "grabbed" onstage and it's all relatively PG-13 — until we get to Katie and Victoria. They battle it out to see who can be bleeped out the most while having a blurred out mouth the longest and anyway here's some of the best reactions to their readings:

Love how the top row of ladies (& Chris) look like you do when you're waiting for the hibachi chef to throw a shrimp in your mouth and the bottom row is how you look after you've caught it or it's hit you in the face.

And I'm not the mayor of sexy town (anymore, it was tiring), but I can't imagine this person saying anything that could be even remotely considered "sexy" or "hot":

I'm not even making jokes here, only stating facts when I say there is for sure something wrong with Victoria? Like does she have the flu? She looks like she hasn't slept in 14 years and most times she's on camera, she's scratching at her skin like she'll soon start dissolving if she doesn't hit a certain quota of bullying per day. 

Actually, nevermind it's clear she has been bitten by a zombie and is now trying to hide the fact that she's turning into one from the other girls.

Did someone order some drama

Later during the evening portion of the group date, Rachael with the extra vowel is one of the first to chat with Matt and you are correct in assuming I do not remember the content of this conversation because all I can recall is Matt ending their time together with a nice ol' OPEN EYED KISS:

Oh also update on who Rachael looks like (thanks to Lea) — does she actually look like Joey King and/or Rebecca Black? I know this is quite the career shift from Rachel Weisz/Mila Kunis/Ana de Armas, but it's important for us to come to a resolution.

Okay, y'all let me know, thanks.

More ladies file through to talk with Matt and get their open eyed kiss until Katie's turn, when Sarah (who is not on this group date) interrupts and steals Matt away to talk because she needs to show him how long she's been eating this piece of sour candy.

For background, throughout the day, we've gotten several reenactments from emo music videos of Sarah staring at the fireplace and out the window and just generally crying because it destroys her to think of Matt going on dates with the other girls (aka the premise of this show). We also learn she's had issues with faithfulness and commitment in prior relationships so sure, it seems very healthy and good for her well-being to come on a show that is based around a man literally putting faithfulness in the shredder and dating 32 women at once.

Anyway, Sarah tells Matt it's been hard for her to be apart from him, especially after they had such a great day together. He reassures her that he cares for her and blah blah, while this is happening, Katie tells the rest of the girls that Sarah has randomly shown up. They all encourage her to interrupt Sarah because this isn't her date and Katie complies because mob mentality.

When Katie interrupts them, Sarah asks for 5 minutes and Katie agrees to 2 before standing over them to watch (this was lollllll). Matt finally tells Sarah not to compare their relationship to any of his relationships with the other 5 million women here (what a relief) and Sarah leaves him.

She then heads into the other room to apologize to the women actually on this group date. Feeling very bad for herself, this conversation happens: 

Sarah: Yeah sorry, but I didn't know when I'd get a chance to see Matt
Serena C: But um, it's only the first day of the week and Chris Harrison said we'd all be on dates this week
Sarah: Well look, I just wanted to tell you all why I'm here
Everyone: Okay, so tell us why
Sarah: I'm not going to tell you why I'm here, but that's what I wanted to tell you

Oh okay cool, very clear. 

Sarah then walks outside and Shitoria follows because she can't possibly let drama pass without being involved since drama is what keeps her eyes so puffy and dark. She reiterates how shitty it was of Sarah to pull this because Victoria is supposed to be the shittiest person here. Katie then arrives to be like "hey that was shitty" and I think we have established this was not Sarah's best decision.

Ultimately, Rachaeioul gets the group date rose.

Also, since I haven't pointed this out before — Matt has HUGE hands. I mean big ol' handsies.

One-on-one date with Serena P. (and Sarah)

Like the Fast & Furious movies, this Sarah drama is gonna keep going. Before Matt picks up Serena P. for their solo date, he asks where Sarah is since she isn't sitting with the group. They direct him to her room, where she's basically stayed since joining a date she wasn't invited on.

He finds her and first LAYS ON HER BED WITH HIS SHOES ON BECAUSE THIS SHOW LIVES TO INFURIATE ME:

They sit down to talk more and she says she's now put a target on her back for joining the group date and he reiterates she's still on his mind and he was happy to see her that night and that it validated their time together. He says it would be a "tragedy" if she left, which wow no one on this show understands what words mean, do they.

After reassuring his girlfriend Sarah, Matt sets out on a date with his girlfriend Serena P., which first includes riding horses because these dates can only include horses, hot tubs and happy fireworks (I was trying to keep the 'h' thing going, thanks). As a reminder, this is Serena P (because you forgot, didn't you):

After horses, I was happy to see the coot board finally get the recognition it deserves — Matt asks Serena to "teach him" how to "make" a charcuterie board. And like, if taking meat and cheese out of plastic and putting it on a board is "making" something, then I am Gordon Ramsay. Anyway, she gives him a lesson that includes the steps "place meat on board" and then "place cheese on board":

While I'm making fun of this, I greatly enjoyed it. They then ignore said coot and get to talking about what they want in relationships until some "roaming" donkeys (sure, Jan) interrupt them. And like the ol' saying goes, if you get interrupted by a donkey while sitting with a plate of uneaten coot, you HAVE to makeout and they do:

The donkey's arrival also prompts Serena to ask Matt if he had any pets growing up. When he says yes and that he had a turtle, she laughs and asks "So, you were a weird kid" and when I say I screeched. Because WE ALL knew (or were) that weird kid with a turtle. 

Later during the evening portion of the date, they clink together some weirdly large and square wine glasses before diving into talking about past relationships.

A summary of their conversation:

Serena: So I'm not a casual dater and I haven't had many boyfriends, just one serious relationship that ended a year ago
Matt: Omg I know about serious relationships, one time I dated a girl for FOUR months, yeah wild right wow
Serena: I was in love with him and thought we would be together forever
Matt: Omg I know right, yeah I haven't been in love, but I did break up with my super serious four-month girlfriend because she had the audacity to want to be called my girlfriend

Matt then tells Serena that the feelings he's already feeling for her are proof that this show is working and Serena tells him she's "falling in like" with him. He gives her a rose and they kiss over a juicy looking steak. If I were Serena, I would've pretended like I was going in for a kiss before dodging and taking a big ol' bite of steak instead, hahahaha, why won't this show cast me.

They end the evening in the same hot tub that was dragged out to the woods for Bri's date because this show paid a lot for the hot tub and it needs to be used.

Checking in on Abigail's hoops

This week, we're getting thin silver hoops!

The final act of this Sarah drama

So Sarah has kept herself locked away since all the drama started, but she finally emerges when the next date card arrives (for a group date that she is actually invited to) to apologize to everyone....again.

Long story short, she talks about how hard this has been for her, but that she's a good person and only meant to take a few minutes of Matt's time the other night because she was thinking about going home. Realizing this is her chance to be an asshole again, Victoria leads the mob into bullying Sarah about what she did.

While this show is surely contributing to the demise of human civilization, you gotta hand it to them for also trying to help the planet by being avid recyclers — in that we just get to see the same arguments used over and over and over again. So sustainable! In this case, the women are mad Sarah interrupted the date, maybe costing some of them roses, and Sarah is sorry, but feels she had to do what she had to do. And I'm mad that we are having to relive these same points over and over because all of this is hazardous waste and should not be recycled.

After isolating herself from the house more, Sarah eventually decides she should probably leave, partially because of tension in the house, but mostly because she misses her family and her dad (who is dying from ALS). Before she leaves, Katie comes and talks with her, telling her she didn't like what happened with everyone essentially bullying her. 

Source

She tells her she doesn't want her to leave and if Sarah feels a connection with Matt, she wants her to stay to see it out so Matt doesn't have any regrets and doesn't wonder "what if." Sarah says she's already decided and needs to leave to spend time with her dad because she doesn't know how much longer he has, which Katie understands because she lost her dad in 2012. 

Source

They hug and this was probably the most genuine interaction to happen this episode and also we learned that Katie is more than just a dildo.

After loading her suitcase into the Uber, Sarah stops by Matt's LUXURIOUS ASS SUITE to say goodbye.

She tells him that she misses her family and needs to be with her dad and also that some of the girls have been cruel and malicious to her. BUT SHE DOESN'T NAME NAMES, WHICH IS VERY UPSETTING. All she had to do was drop one Victoria, just one. Matt is very clearly disappointed because I imagine Sarah would've been in his top 3, but he eventually gets it and tells her he'll be thinking of her and praying for her family and Sarah leaves.

Our first (but certainly not last, I'm sure) woman to leave on her own.

Things Serena C. did this week

You didn't think I forgot, did you. 

First, she wore this ensemble on the group date leading me to ask WHO GAVE HER PERMISSION TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE LOOK SO INCREDIBLY FRUMPY IN COMPARISON:

The layered chains! The bra top + leather jacket combo! The desire to nap! Okay also she did other stuff too:

Like drinking a cocktail and also drinking champagne and also giving side eye to Sarah. She AGAIN did not speak to Matt and while I do love it, I'm worried next week or the week after will be her last. Excited nonetheless to see how long she makes it and more importantly, how many more outfits we get to see. 

And that's it! There's still like 120 women here and previews show even more women arriving, so like I don't know if they messed up the logistics on this season but some women should be going home too, right. 

Guess we'll find out next week. See you for that! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).