Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by the guys again making some of the faces I make while enduring this truly nightmare of a show.

Connor covering his mouth is actually a very accurate representation of what I look like when I catch my own reflection in the TV during a commercial break. Concerned about the life choices I'm making.

Speaking of commercials, it seems like Katie's season is comprised of 30% actual show content and 70% commercials. Like the guys have one conversation and then there's a commercial break and wow using the word "commercials" means that YES I DO WATCH THIS LIVE, so let's jump in.

Eating a bunch of Twinkies is not a "challenge"

We kick things off with a group date and wait a minute, as it turns out, this guy has a name!

Who knew. And tbh now it's not even important for us to learn Conor's one-C name because he'll be leaving at the end of the episode (that's not a spoiler because spoilers are exciting and this is not).

For this date, Katie tells the guys they'll be participating in a more challenging version of "Truth or Dare" and she's even asked two friends to help her out with it.

But I guess her friends couldn't show up, so Tayshia and Kaitlyn show up instead because again, Kaitlyn's face is like "Hey girl, what's your name again? Do I know you?"

They proceed to watch the guys run around in pairs to complete random "dares," including getting the "hairiest part" of their bodies waxed and eating (what I consider) a regular serving of food, such as 25 Twinkies:

While eating Twinkies very inefficiently, Mike admits that not only has he not had sex, but he also hasn't had carbs in 7 years.

I know, there's a lot to unpack in that sentence. First off, if you're speed eating Twinkies, everyone knows you smush them together to form a giant Twinkie ball. And secondly, NO CARBS IN 7 YEARS? Yeah at this point, I'm gonna have to pass on Mike because I BET he's one of those dudes who eats unseasoned chicken breast and claims cauliflower rice "tastes just like rice." HARD PASS if not just for this screenshot. 

Another challenge features this giant ear that the guys have to whisper "sweet nothings" into for Katie to hear. This is more stupid than you are imagining. 

Andrew fakes a British accent again (not really sure why he's still doing this??) while telling Katie he'll wash her back??? I guess back washing is sexy?? 

The last challenge of this bizarrely pieced together day is a recycled activity that the guys did in Clare's season too — they have to eat habanero peppers and then pretend propose with a giant cartoon ring:

I like how this show tries to be like "ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE ARE VERY SERIOUS, EVERYONE MUST TAKE THIS VERY SERIOUSLY" before being like "Omg you guys, stuff 15 Twinkies in your mouth, then wax your ass and fake propose, this is hilarious!" 

But anyway, now that the guys are full of random foods, have had one strip of hair removed from a random place on their body and eaten hot peppers, it's time to drink alcohol at the cocktail party!

Thomas might not be on this group date, but he's on this group date

For the evening portion of the date, Katie is like what is the most chaotic look I can bring out:

I'm not exaggerating when I say I screamed. This appears to be some sort of 80s power suit jacket that a pleated skirt has been attached to, accented by a heavy dusting of sequins. PLUS black pantyhose AND bejeweled boots to match (thanks to Ling for noticing those). BEJEWELED BOOTS. I have no additional thoughts on this because like some sort of real-life brain teaser, my brain simply cannot process or understand this.

Bridgerton fan Andrew is one of the first to chat with Katie and he actually shares something with her that I think is the most meaningful thing to-date:

MEANING WE'RE ABOUT TO BE FULL OF THIS TACO BELL!!!!! And sour candy and Lunchables!! I'd recognize those delicious 100000% of your daily sodium intake meat coins anywhere. In perhaps the most dramatic turn of events in the history of this show, THEY ACTUALLY EAT THE FOOD!!!

But we're then reminded that this show is terrible and always falls short because they both only take ONE BITE of a Taco Bell taco? Honestly the first time I've ever seen this happen. I know I'm dedicating a lot of time to Taco Bell here but it's important to have passions.

The rest of the evening's conversations are pretty bland in comparison. During Katie's time with Dawson's Creek background actor Greg, she obsesses over him and admits that she's FALLING FOR HIM?? And as you can tell, he is so incredibly excited and emotional about it:

Not this man looking like you just told him it was supposed to rain but now there's only a 30% chance it'll rain. Also, I know a lot of y'all are obsessed with him, but I find him about as interesting as a table of contents.

While Greg is being bored by Katie outright telling him she likes him the most, Tre is sitting in the buy-one-get-one porcelain cactus section of West Elm: 

He tells the guys that he plans to tell Katie about how manipulative Thomas is and how he admitted he first came on the show in the hopes of becoming the next Bachelor. Taco Bell Provider Andrew disagrees, telling him that he should just focus on his relationship with Katie, instead of using his time with her to talk about another guy. Tre is like "lollll" and proceeds to spend all of his time with Katie talking about Thomas, to which Katie responds:

The show then tries to make us believe that Katie is unsure how she feels about Andrew, but this raised eyebrows + no lip smile tells us she's already decided she's going to light his ass up. 

Tre's honestly pays off and Katie gives him the group date rose.

This man's type is: Bachelorette

With this Thomas drama likely coming to an end soon, the producers need to introduce another dramatic plot point. To do this, Tayshia drops by Katie's room to tell her that a guy from "her past" reached out to her because he feels he's a "really good match" for Katie and Tayshia agrees. Tayshia says that he's at the resort and just wants a chance to talk with Katie and anyway this is who it is:

As a reminder, Blake was on Clare's season and VERY in love with her until she left the show early with Dale. And then when Tayshia took over with her own season, he was also VERY in love with her. So the thing to know here is, there is no Bachelorette that this man will not date. 

He tells Katie he's been interested in her since she "stepped out of the limo on night one," WHICH IS LITERALLY WORD-FOR-WORD WHAT HE SAID TO TWO PRIOR BACHELORETTES. 

Before Blake can copy/paste himself into his third consecutive season of this show, Katie's like mmmm lemme think about it (slash lemme wrap up this other drama first so you can be the primary drama).

Quick reminder that I love Josh

Whether he's wearing a white shirt with an open jacket or a white shirt with a jean jacket or a white shirt with a closed jacket, the outcome is all the same — fine 99. We also got to hear him speak like 3 times this week, which I think is a new record.

Anyway, what I'm here to say is here's a hot pepper eating a hot pepper:

Thomas' train gets derailed

Right, so we need to wrap up this Thomas drama so we can shift focus to this Blake drama. To get the ball rolling, ahead of the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Thomas goes to talk with Katie about everything the guys have been saying about him.

He tells her that for the past week, he's had to listen to his character be "demonsterized." DEMONSTERIZED. DE. MONSTER. IZED. The only time this word should be used is if Dracula is talking about "the monster's eyes."

Katie tells him that she felt a connection with him from the beginning and that she thought he was so perfect (translation: he's so tall), but now she doesn't know what to think. She tells him she needs time and will decide at the natural decision point we all use — the Rose Ceremony.

While the guys are waiting for Katie to arrive to the cocktail party, they're all talking about how they're "over" Thomas and sick of him being the main topic of conversation BEFORE MAKING HIM THE MAIN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION BY ONLY TALKING ABOUT WHERE HE IS AND WHAT HE'S DOING. 

The point here is all of these men are stupid exceeeeeeept for:

After Katie joins the party, most of these ding dongs spend their time complaining about Thomas. But Michael goes rogue and does something wild — he focuses on talking to Katie about his feelings for her and their relationship. GASP. Katie appreciates Michael helping her escape this never ending episode of Gossip Girl and I cannot emphasize this enough — this man is FAR too good for this show.

"Your Bachelor audition is over"

We finally get to the Rose Ceremony and look, we don't need to go through who gets a rose because we all know her favorites are Bowl Cut Greg, British Accent Andrew and Sweetest Man on the Planet Michael. In getting to the juicy juice, when Katie has one rose left, she says "Thomas" and this is Justin's reaction:

Thomas approaches like he's about to get that rose before Katie backs away and tells him she now sees how terrible, unkind and manipulative he is. And then Justin is like:

I don't think I've shared yet, but I've very interested in Justin's personality (and by personality I mean his eyebrows). 

To wrap this up, Katie tells Thomas: "Your Bachelor audition is over — now leave" and what I need to know is what poor production assistant had to script this for her.

But wait! Since she didn't give that rose to Thomas, we're actually short a guy! If only we had a short guy to fill the gap, oh wait...

What a coincidence that there happens to be a Blake, just hanging around. Katie lets him know that he can move into the house because she wants to get to know him more.

There's no way she actually sees a future with Blake (because he is not Greg), but I guess this is our new plot line.

See you next week as Blake very predictably becomes house villain! Til then find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Tre, demonstrating what I look like during 85% of 100% of every episode of this tragic show.

Percentages are finally getting their time in the spotlight, as we resume the drama generated by Karl, who says "I'm not 100% sure that 100% of the people here are here for the right reasons." 

After Karl vomits on the dance floor of this party (metaphorically), Katie's like okay everyone clear out, we're skipping right to the rose ceremony. And you might be thinking, well at least things are moving along quickly. Wrong. This rose ceremony is about to be 30 minutes of this 2 hour episode.

The world's longest rose ceremony

As a reminder, the guys with roses heading into the rose ceremony are: British Accent Fan Andrew, Tall Thomas and Disney Channel Heartthrob Greg. 

Katie quickly gets on a roll like you get a rose, you get a rose, you get a rose, but after she gives virgin Mike one, he's like wait this rose ceremony is moving along way too smoothly. 

He proceeds to tell Katie that he's speaking for all of the men in the house (except for Karl) when he says that what Karl said is not true. This blows Katie's mind because can you believe a man would lie? Wow. She steps away for a moment to consult with her two friends she just made 2 weeks ago.

Kaitlyn asks "what happened" probably because she wasn't paying attention since she does not know this woman. Katie explains that she planned to give Karl a rose, but now that she knows all of the guys agree he's lying, she doesn't know what to do. Tayshia and Kaitlyn then fulfill their primary role as hosts by offering zero helpful advice, but in the form of a motivational poster (you know, one of those ones in cursive) — "Ultimately, it is your decision." Thanks for the help, guys!

Katie returns to the group and hands out the rest of the roses and chooses not to give one to Karl, who by the way, said "if I don't get a rose, I'm not leaving, the military will have to drag me out of here." And anyway, this is his exit:

I know I was only in the Army for 4 years, but I'm pretty sure we are never called in to to escort out dumbass men on The Bachelorette. 

Along with Karl, Katie also sends home some nobodies who I don't remember as well as someone I do remember a lot:

HOT BARTENDER JOHN!! When he made his exit, I yelled at the TV "IF YOU'RE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU CAN DATE ME AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS" and this was John's response:

So like, omg wow, can't believe he's sending me such explicit signals. We'll be having a spring wedding, stay tuned for invites, Danity Kane is reuniting to provide music for the ceremony and reception.

Not really sure why Nick Viall is here, but okay

For this week's group date, the men are greeted by Nick Viall who tells them they'll be participating in a group therapy-like session, something this show and this man sure as hell are not qualified to do:

Katie wants the guys to share things from their past that may be uncomfortable to reveal, but necessary in getting to know every aspect of each other. And while uncomfortable at first, the guys get to sharing, which is proof that men will literally do anything, including going to fake unqualified therapy on TV, before going to actual therapy.

Several of the guys go really deep and share they've.....brace yourself....dated women before and...omg....BROKEN UP WITH THEM. Wow, thank you for sharing, so brave.

Hunter does share something substantial — he's been married before and has two kids. 

He says that while he never imagined being divorced, he knows he learned from it and will cherish being married when he's in the position again.

Former cat Connor B. who lacks any presence of lips, follows Hunter's deeply personal revelation by sharing his own through (fake) tears — he used to be a really big douchebag. 

He says in his 20s, he was a full-time musician at a piano bar and drank a lot and eventually cheated on his girlfriend. Wow, so he really is a Jed. But don't worry you guys, he read "a lot" of self-help books and has become a better person, so. 

Speaking of being a better person, that is something Tall Thomas is for sure, not. 

He kind of eerily smiles as he shares that there's lots of red flags about him that he's happy to share (but then doesn't share??) and that initially, he didn't know what to expect from the show and sort of only saw it as a platform. He adds that he even went on a date the week before arriving, buuuuut now his feelings are "real" for Katie, who by the way looks like this during his entire I'm-Here-For-A-FabFitFun-IG-Sponsorship spiel:

Katie is the last to share and she opens up about something that she says her mom doesn't even know about. She was "involved in a situation where there wasn't consent" on New Year's Eve 10 years ago and then entered into a relationship with that person. She says this led to her having an unhealthy relationship with sex and that it's taken a while for her to get the point she is now with being more comfortable with it.

It's incredibly courageous of her to share and again, I have to ask, why the hell is Nick Viall here??

Oh, a new villain

Later during the evening portion of the date, Katie circles back to Thomas' comment about "red flags" and asks him what he was referring to. Thomas responds by being like oh is this skirt steak because I'm about to skirt this entire question. He tries to divert her attention by talking about how much he likes her, but she's quickly like "Right, but you didn't answer my question." And this actually breaks his nonstop smile because he's baffled as to how she can't possibly be distracted by all of his smiling and avoidance of questions.

Their time together ends awkwardly and Thomas quickly realizes his manipulation wasn't quite on point and this won't do. He decides he needs to talk to Katie again, which he signals by creepily hovering while Katie is talking to Aaron.

Katie agrees to talk to him because he is literally hovering over them, which angers Aaron, who based on commentary throughout the episode I've decided has roid rage. But monotone roid rage, like he is full of anger but it only comes out in lower case letters. 

So anyway, this is Thomas' opportunity to clear things up with Katie and maybe be honest about his "red flags," right? Haha, girl no. He digs up that same bullshit and just tells her again how much he likes her AND THAT HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER???? This explanation works for Katie I guess, unless she's yelling into his mouth here and not kissing him:

I don't want to make assumptions, except oh wait I've got ingredients for assump and tions, let's make some assumptions — Thomas is for sure a man who tells you he loves you for the first time after you've caught him cheating. 

When Thomas returns to the group, Aaron is clearly upset and asks Thomas if he thinks his time with Katie is more important than Aaron's time with her. And Thomas says yes (not gonna lie, this was hilarious), especially because he told Katie he was falling in love with her.  Connor the Cat responds to this by saying he's "making a mockery of love," which is laughable because isn't this entire show a mockery of love??

Anyway, the Cat and his 2000s boy band look get the group date rose.

When you don't get to show your v-necks AGAIN

Because of the Thomas group date drama, a few of the guys don't get time with Katie, including Brendan. Ugh, not only did she not get to see his deep v-neck this week, but she ALSO didn't get to see his unbuttoned button-down. It's almost as if this BOGO deal at V-Necks 'R' Us wasn't worth it.

"What a gift to be able to fall in love twice"

Dad of the house, Michael, gets this week's solo date and hold onto your hearts and butts, we're all about to fall in love with him.

Katie takes Michael out on a dirt buggy, I think because this show just learned that women are allowed to drive. After inhaling a ton of dust and dirt, they sit in these weeds for deep conversation, a concept that I'm pretty sure Michael is one of the few in the house capable of understanding.

He tells her that he doesn't think this show "ends with an engagement," but rather, "it begins with an engagement." Phew. Hearing a man string together full, coherent sentences really gets my heart racing.

Later at dinner, Katie is served this GIGANTIC piece of chicken?? I mean this has gotta be like half a roast chicken:

Michael finally opens up about something he's been wanting to share with Katie. After getting married in 2012, he and his wife had a son and their life was perfect, but 7 months later, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. He talks about how they traveled the country, visiting hospitals and clinics looking for a cure for her, but never found anything that worked and she passed away in 2019. He adds that he's only ever loved one woman — his wife — but he's ready to open up his heart and he knows Katie is someone he can love. As final proof that this man is far too good for this show, he says, "What a gift to be able to fall in love twice." I MEAN, WOW.

Katie obviously gives him a rose and they makeout under the stars.

This man is exhausting

First he was involved with zipper salesman Cody's drama and now he's involved with Tall Thomas' situation. Whether or not he's at fault, I just find him incredibly tiring. Every time he pops onscreen with his mouth breathing, I am just tired (which could be a result of all the carbon dioxide he's emitting). Very ready for him and his isosceles triangle brows to go home.

This man, on the other hand

I would like to be exhausted by. OH PLEASE, THIS IS MY ONE COMMENT FOR THIS POST, ACCEPT IT.

Just send this man to BIP already

Because this Thomas drama is relatively new, we can't just let it fizzle out in the group date! Gotta keep the fun going! 

Before the next group date, the guys gather around in their American Apparel tees to question Thomas' intentions. 

Hunter straight up asks him if he's thought about being the Bachelor and Thomas says he can't be "disingenuine" with them, so he admits it was a thought on his mind before. Which wow, can you believe THIS MAN USED THE WORD DISINGENUINE??? DIS. INGENUINE. I don't actually care about his other admission because most of these men would jump at the opportunity to be the Bachelor, even if it was offered in the middle of Katie's season, so they're all being disingenuine.

And with that assault on words, the episode ends. Based on how Katie's been sending dudes home because at least two of the guys in the house dislike them, I'm guessing Thomas will be heading out soon.

See you next week as Katie continues to whittle down the guys until there is only one Greg left. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by Katie not knowing what to do with her hands:

I like how most of the time it looks like she's holding an invisible bouquet of flowers or like she has cupped Barbie hands. Those elbows gotta be tired.

We're onto week two! Meaning we've got two group dates and a one-on-one, or as Katie calls it "a very busy week." I hear ya girl, I hate it when I have to be at a resort all week and then go out with guys who are being forced to focus only on me. Phew, exhausting.

First group date with a bunch of men who are not John or Josh 

The group date is up first and hey wait, the episode started 5 minutes ago and we haven't been reminded that Katie's whole thing is about owning a vibrator, so:

Honestly, the way this censor bar is positioned, who even knows what this is. Could very well be a light saber. Unclear. Also, I can't stop cracking up at this show treating Katie like some sort of sex goddess because she owns a vibrator. 

Anyway, the guys have to put together some sort of performance showing Katie what makes them "the greatest lover" and yes this is as stupid as you're imagining. These "performances" from the guys include puppets simulating sex, promises to clean the house (the bar is very low, remember), dick-in-a-box wearing a dick-in-a-box after saying he wants to be known for being more than a dick-in-a-box, and of course, Jed-wannabe Connor performing a song:

This group date also provides our first glimpse into Karl and his rise to becoming the most annoying man in the house. He delivers an entirely too long Ted Talk that mostly focuses on what Katie doesn't want, without actually sharing what he brings to the table. At some point, he also rubs a banana on a cardboard cutout of Katie?

I don't want to speak for Katie, but seeing someone rub a bruised banana on the hair of my cardboard cutout must rank among the least arousing things on the planet.

The actual rising star in the house is Mike, who I didn't mention in the first post. He is a former baseball player who owns a gym, but whose primary occupation the show needs us to understand, is virgin. For most of this sex-focused date, he looks like this:

But when it's his time onstage, he recites a pretty nice poem for Katie sharing how much he appreciates her while also mentioning he's waiting for marriage. 

He ends up "winning" the group date and I use air bunnies because he doesn't actually win extra time with Katie or even free chicken nuggets. All he gets is some plastic trophy that won't even fit in his suitcase when it's time to go home. Yay.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Connor is like remember how I sang a song for you, do you wanna see my vocal chords:

While we've only seen these two makeout twice (and the first time, he was dressed as a cat) I love how they always look like the two people who drunkenly found each other before the lights came on in a nightclub.

In the end, Mike's poem and Connor's tongue aren't enough as Thomas ends up getting the group date rose. During their time together, Katie tells him she's been thinking about him a lot, but she doesn't know why since they haven't gotten to chat much. And I'm here to tell you why — LOOK HOW TALL THIS MAN IS!!

Can someone please let me know if I think he's attractive because he's attractive or if it's because he's tall, thanks. Also he tells Katie he "feels something" between them already and "there's magic" and I think the "magic" he's referring to is sensing he might get on Bachelor on Paradise. The force is strong in this one.  

One-on-one date with Greg

Greg gets the very first solo date, which I think we expected since he got the first impression rose and that happened approx 15 minutes ago. You probably remember Greg as playing the "hot guy" in every Disney Channel Original Movie.

Katie tells Greg they'll be heading to the river for some camping and fishing, so we get some shots of Greg struggling to put up a tent before Katie tells him they need to cut a hole in a bucket to go over a hole in the ground just in case they need to poop — the natural progression of any date. 

The show then dedicates, I'm not joking, the majority of this part of the date to them setting up the poop bucket.

At one point, Greg sits on the poop bucket while Katie awkwardly crouches next to him so they can have the world's most uncomfortable makeout session ever: 

There really is nothing more romantic than kissing a guy you're interested in while sitting atop a giant hole in the ground meant to catch your shit.

After spending entirely too much time on this whole poopy situation, they actually get to fishing. Katie then opens up to Greg, sharing that fishing and camping reminds her of her dad (who passed away in 2012) because it's what they used to do together. 

In return, later at dinner, Greg tells her that the day meant a lot to him and reminded him of his own dad who passed away recently from cancer. He says it's been hard since then for him to "give himself" to someone, but that he feels this is right with Katie.

Do you think those GIANT candle holders were thrown on the table at the last minute? Like some producer screamed OH MY GOD, WE NEED GIANT GLASSES OUT HERE, STAT.

They then retire outside because Katie has a "surprise" and this show has got to stop using the word "surprise" for fireworks because at this point it is expected. Like, if you don't get fireworks during your date, you're a loser.

Greg obviously gets a rose, as creepily offered here by Katie. And even if she hadn't explicitly said she thinks Greg will be here "for a while," I would guess he's going to be at least top 3.

Second group date with John and Josh (and others, I guess)

For the second group date, the guys are woken up early by Tayshia and Kaitlyn and brought out in their pajamas (underwear) to this disaster:

Katie tells the guys they have to get dressed up as cowboys and then mud wrestle shirtless in an effort to win this super amazing and thoughtful prize — the world's fugliest belt buckle:

And look, I'm all for the concept of this date — shirtless men — but is the mud aspect really necessary? Watching men paw at each other while rolling around in poopy looking water just isn't that appealing (I'm really sorry for the double poo mention in this post). 

Oh wait, I know I just said that it wasn't appealing, but I've changed my mind.

This show is clearly pandering to me by having Josh and John wrestle each other.

Remember that random drama that came up in the premiere with no context whatsoever between Aaron and Cody? Well, it boringly returns to our lives as these two ding dongs OF COURSE end up having to wrestle each other. During their muddy hugging, Katie can sense there's tension and anyway this is her face for most of it:

Coincidentally enough, this is also what I look like during every minute of every episode of every season of this show.

Aaron ends up "winning" the date (again, no one really wins here except maybe all of the bacteria in that mud) so he gets to spend a little one-on-one time with Katie who is like hey, wanna boop my nose:

Katie asks what's up between him and Cody and Aaron finally tells her AND ALL OF US that they know each other from "back home," aka the really tiny bumpkin town of SAN DIEGO. Dear God. This reminds me of those two women from last season who knew each other from the very small village of Chicago.

Aaron says he doesn't like Cody based on his past "malicious" behavior and he doesn't think he's here for the right reasons based on things he's posted on social media about wanting to get famous. Which makes sense because why else would Cody be a zipper salesman, if not for the fame.

With this on her mind, Katie kicks off the evening portion of the date by chatting with Cody's Bond villain looking ass first.

Doesn't he just look like he says "well, actually" several times a day.

Katie tells him that Aaron described him as malicious and unkind and Cody very flatly responds with "that is not factual," which is exactly how a malicious and unkind person would respond. Katie finds his response rehearsed and having lost all trust in him, decides to send him home where he can return to probably peeping in people's windows.

While all of this is happening, the guys are just waiting, which is especially frustrating for Brendan who wore his favorite deep v-neck tee that Katie isn't even getting to see.

Katie returns to the guys and lets them know she sent Cody home before saying she needs a few moments to gather herself. Andrew S., who as a reminder thinks British accents are a "hobby," is the first to check on her and emphasizes that he's here for her.

They then talk about their childhoods and bond over not growing up with a lot and in the end, Andrew S. gets the group date rose.

While I joke on him, he's super cute and will likely be here until at least the top 10. But to be clear, Andrew S. is a shoo-in for Bachelor in Paradise.

The section where I scream about John and Josh

There is no point to this section except to reiterate how hot I think both of them are.

First, here's John showing us how he can sport a cuddly blanket AND ALSO a stern eyebrow raise:

I mean, the range, wow. Also, to answer your question, yes he is also very very good at wearing leather jackets:

Meanwhile, Josh continues to be the best in the house at smizing, having eyebrows and also wearing dark colors.

BUT, this week he also smiled WHILE WEARING a jean jacket. Impressive.

These are the two men I wish would've either been on Michelle's season or just showed up at my door instead.

Who is this man

Just checking in because I have zero recollection. What do you think his name is? He looks like a Craig or maybe a Doug. I'm guessing I won't need to learn his name anyway.

Did somebody order some drama at this party

We've reached the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party and you might be thinking, oh Cody went home, so the drama must be over, right? Ha, never forget that this show exists to torture us with pointless and made-up drama.

But before we get to that, Katie chats with this goofy looking dude first (allegedly named Michael).

As a reminder, Michael is 36 years old and has a son, two facts that would be treated as warnings if Michael was a woman on any season of The Bachelor. Remember how this show portrayed 30-year-old Elise (on Colton's season) as some sort of elderly woman? Literally every time she was onscreen someone was screaming "SHE IS THIRTY YEARS OLD." How dare women age past 29, absurd!  

Anyway, Katie assures Michael that she didn't ask him on any of the dates this week because she didn't need any extra validation about how their relationship is progressing. Hmm, not asking someone on any of the dates because you are "so sure" of how much you like them that has always worked out well in the past OH WAIT, ABIGAIL HAS ENTERED THE CONVERSATION AND WOULD LIKE A WORD (justice for Abigail). 

Sensing things are going a little too smoothly, the producers are like hey who wants to start some drama and Karl is like:

He really wants to cement his place as most annoying in the house, okay! To get the ball rolling, he uses his time with Katie for this conversation:

Karl: I know some people who don't have the best intentions here
Katie: K, who
Karl: I don't want to go into the details because I don't have the details
Katie: Okaaay, so what is making you tell me this
Karl: Hehe don't worry ;)
Katie: Wut
Karl: STAY VIGILANT AND TRUST ME

I know I usually exaggerate these conversations, but I'm recalling this one word-for-word. And this is Katie's face during it all:

It's incredibly bizarre, almost like he's having to deliver a storyline that he only read the Wikipedia intro for.

After this unsettling (and honestly confusing??) conversation, Katie confronts the entire room of guys to reiterate that she's taking this very seriously and only wants guys who are doing the same. And um, have these "BE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS" speeches ever worked? Would love to see a guy stand up like "OHHH! The right reasons! So sorry, I thought this was a show based on the wrong reasons only, my bad, I'll go."

Katie then asks to speak with Aaron because I guess he is the beacon of truth now, leaving the guys to learn it was Karl who launched this stupid rocket of drama.  

When they all start questioning him, Karl says he doesn't think all of the guys are being authentic because he "heard some stuff circulating around." He adds that he doesn't want to "put anyone on blast" and like OKAY KARL too little too late because your blaster guns have already been used. His response is so incredibly bonkers, it's like his memory was wiped and he doesn't remember Gossip Girl'ing to Katie 30 seconds ago.

After Aaron tells Katie he has no idea what dumbass Karl is talking about, she retreats to the ol' pizza oven to cry.

And that's the stupid note this episode ends on.

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Katie totally Clare'd her season and straight up picked Greg next week. 

I guess we'll see because we are all enduring this together. See you next week! Til then find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).