Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Katie's look for the Men Tell All:

A tan, blonde highlights AND a lime green dress, excuse me, this is straight out of my senior prom look book, I WILL be seeking creative licensing fees.

We've made it to the Men Tell All! But before we can get to the men dishing on literally nothing, we get approx 15 minutes of actual interesting content. Let's jump in!

Protect this man at all costs

This season continues to be that movie that you don't even need to watch because everything is given away in the trailer. This week, we see this play out with Michael, who 100% of us already knew would choose to leave to be with his son. 

In the beginning of the episode we get clips of him FaceTiming with his son, James:

At one point, James asks Michael why he "doesn't want to see him anymore," which shatters Michael's heart like a hippo on thin ice (a necessary visual). After this call, Michael feels incredibly guilty and selfish for choosing to be here instead of with his son, saying he "can't be in two places at once," which tells us that he clearly hasn't seen "A Walk to Remember" because remember how Shane West helped Mandy Moore be "in" two places at once. It is very possible.

He decides pretty easily that he needs to leave and heads to Katie's room to let her know (I guess you're not allowed to just ghost the Bachelorette).

After telling her about what James said, he says it's all he can think about and with Hometowns coming up, it's wrong for him to only give her half of him. He then checks to see if her crotch is magnetic:

Jk he gives her the pocket watch he originally gave her on night one (as a joke) but then kept because she didn't have pockets to hold it. He says they've always talked about how important time is, but they just ran out of it at this point in their lives. He wraps up this genuinely sweet speech by telling Katie that she TAUGHT HIM HOW TO LOVE AGAIN. And dear God, my heart. The only other time I've felt emotions this strongly this season was when Andrew surprised Katie (and us) with a charcuterie board of Taco Bell and Lunchables. 

Katie is heartbroken because the most perfect man to ever grace this garbage disposal of a show is leaving. And it's pretty clear he would've been in her final two:

She tells him she saw them going until the end and pictured the life she would've had with him, but that she understands. They then walkout together to say one final goodbye and look I know she's emotionally distressed, BUT SHE CHOOSES TO BE BAREFOOT ON THIS COMMUNAL HOTEL CARPET???

There's at least 45 pairs of complimentary slippers in her luxury hotel room, SO WHY NAKED FEET, WHY. No man is worth getting whatever weird rash you may get from a hotel carpet.

As Michael leaves, Katie says it's "very possible my person just left," which do you think that means she planned to pick him?? Is that why her season is being cut short?? Or is it because she ends up with some weird foot infection?? Guess we'll have to see, this is exhilarating.  

What is this red room situation

Continuing their hosting requirements, Tayshia and Kaitlyn welcome everyone to the Men Tell All that is apparently taking place inside a human body (some sort of Magic School Bus situation). So much red. Also this shot makes it look like they could both be wearing meat dresses. If you didn't watch, they wore meat dresses, okay, can you believe that.

In which the men tell (nothing at) all

Most of the reason I watched was to hopefully see one or both of my boyfriends (John and Josh), but because this show never gives me (or us) what we want, they of course weren't invited. Instead we get this 99 cent grab bag including guy on the far right who literally didn't speak the entire time. I do not remember him at all, but he looks like he might be named Alan.

One of the first bits of drama we get to relive and rehash instead of reforgetting, is the whole, was Hunter in love with Katie or not. Canadian-guy-who-we-can't-believe-made-it-as-far-as-he-did, Mouth Breather and Ratatouille Villain are all like, sure we spent too much time talking about Hunter, so anyway we're going to continue doing that during this Tell All.

Vest Man, who I can assure you eats bland chicken and sleeps on a mattress with no bedframe (just a gut feeling, you know), says he kept coming for Hunter because he saw "inconsistencies" in the way he talked about Katie and tbh I'm going to need to know who taught him that word. 

Eventually, Cat Connor says that Hunter previously admitted to him that he was falling in love with Katie, so he didn't just say it out of nowhere during the group date. That squashes nothing because as is the case with any slicked back hair having, vest wearing finance bro, what they say goes (or you WILL be hearing from their father).

Most of this "tell all" is then just them showing clips from the past season and it's like, um yeah, we all suffered through this once, why are we doing it again. But then, we get into making the guys who were most recently sent home relive their breakups, so let's get into that!

When you're reminded you got dumped for being a bad kisser

Connor the Cat is up first, meaning he is forced to watch clips of Katie saying when they kissed, there was no spark or passion and just "nothing there." This continues to crack me up because what did Katie expect! This man has no lips! He was literally just gumming her every time they kissed. But I guess now he has facial hair that sort of covers up the fact that he has thin prosciutto lips (omg what if someone had lips made of prosciutto, would love it).

Eventually, a woman in the audience "randomly" speaks up (sure, Jan) saying that there's no way Connor is a bad kisser:

I can't remember her name, but she def looks like she asks her friends to call her "Serenity" or "Windflower." Right, so after she's like "Omg Connor's tiny lips look so great," she's invited to the stage where she can experience those tiny little things in person:

It's like watching someone try to suck the last tapioca pearl out of a boba tea, but it's stuck in the straw. Connor claims he saw this woman in the audience earlier and thought she was cute and proceeds to give her one of the roses from the set and wow the producers aren't even trying to make this believable huh.

When you're reminded you almost quit your job for Katie

I didn't blog last week (because mama needs a break sometimes) so I didn't get to scream about Katie sending home adorable ass Andrew. This man told her he would give up playing football for her! It was a little funny how she dumped him then asked him to come back and he was like "pass."

During his time onstage, he talks about how he's always believed in love, grew up watching romcoms with his mom and is a hopeless romantic. At one point, Tayshia says he deserves to receive that same level of romance and I SWEAR I thought she was going to segue into ".....and you'll get the chance to find this romance on the next season of The Bachelor." But nope.

WELL HELLO, YOU

Michael is the last to be dragged back through his breakup, since we just saw it happen. And ummm TALK ABOUT A REVENGE LOOK. I am extremely interested in this new bearded look he's got going on, I mean wow. He went from being a sweet little pineapple bun to being a hot ass Szechuan noodle (I recently spent a lot of time in Chinatown, okay). 

He says he still feels the same way about Katie and if she wanted to give him another shot, he'd be all in. Especially since they always talked about how if love exists, it'll find a way (Katie later squashes the idea of them giving it another go). Ultimately, he's glad he put himself out there and now seeing his beard, I am also glad he is out there and I am ready to receive, thanks (THIS IS THE ONE GROSS JOKE, LET ME HAVE IT).

I guess they needed to fill time

In the middle of KATIE'S tell all, we're shown clips of Kaitlyn and Jason's engagement and they're then interviewed onstage?? Sure, why not. I honestly took no screenshots of Kaitlyn with her eyes open, so very sorry. I'm mostly using this as a moment to scream about how heinous Jason's overmanicured 1999 eyebrows are, thank you for your attention to this matter.

Somewhere Jed is screaming

Connor wraps up this incredibly lame (and chaotic, seemingly unplanned) Tell All by doing the thing we all hoped and prayed he would not do — singing. Unfortunately, all men who wear thick silver rings on both hands think people want to hear them sing: Connor, the lead singer of Nickelback, the lead singer of Imagine Dragons (they might be the same person, honestly I have no idea). I only found this entertaining because Connor got to close out an episode with some dedicated camera time of his singing and I know this must be eating away at Jed and his bigass head.

And that's it! Or well, plenty of other pointless stuff happened (including Thomas joining virtually), but these were the highlights, which is a stretch of the meaning of the word "highlights."

See you all next week for Hometowns, aka, another week that Katie drags this season out even though we know she's going to pick Greg. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Connor's chicken tattoo:

Very sorry to my friend Monica who wanted his nickname to be "Chicken." As we'll soon learn, there's no need for us to nickname him because this chicken will soon be crossing the road to go home. 

Let's jump into week 6!

The most bonkers date every season

Justin gets this week's first solo date and as a reminder, Justin is the guy in the house with the best brows and the best facial expressions and sometimes, those two things intersect and he has the best brow expressions:

Justin has talked to Katie for maybe a total of 3.5 minutes over the course of the last 6 weeks and as Katie says, "There's a lot I don't know about him." So obviously, the best first date for them to LITERALLY get to know each other is:

A fake wedding complete with fake vows and everything! I hate this date in every season. It's so forced and just weird okay.

But remember, this show takes marriage VERY seriously, as is evident in them providing this velvet couch in a haunted forest for them to write their vows on:

During their fake wedding vows, Justin says that their bond is "sacred," but what I think he means to say about this woman he knows about as well as a Starbucks barista, is their bond is a hydrogen bond at best (aka weak, this is a niche scientific joke that I had to Google).

Katie wraps up this fake wedding in the setting of a horror movie by rubbing wedding cake all over Justin's head:

All of the mosquitos in the woods were like "YESSSSSS."

Later, they have dinner in allergy season.

Katie tells Justin that even though their wedding was fake, it reminded her about how her dad wouldn't be there to walk her down the aisle or even to see her get engaged. She then shares something she hasn't shared with any of the other guys yet — right before her dad passed away, she found out he wasn't her biological father. And now, her biological father wants a relationship with her, but she doesn't know how to build a relationship with him while still honoring her father's memory.

After this very open and vulnerable moment, Justin says, "Thank you for sharing." GREAT, YOU'RE WELCOME. He proceeds to share nothing about himself. No joke, we learn nothing about him. So anyway, let's get to the "surprise" ending that this time, actually is a surprise!

A performance from a non-country'ish singer who I've actually heard of! Also sorry to this man that this is the screenshot I got of him, but I can't fight fate. I'm sure y'all have heard Max's song "Lights Down Low" or "Gibberish" and wow, me naming two songs off the top of my head from a singer on this show is something I have never done before.

Katie and Justin dance and makeout and she says this "feels like normal life" and um, firstly, who wants to tell her that in normal life, you don't get personal concerts at a luxury resort outside of Albuquerque on a random Tuesday night. And secondly, in her normal life, does she always wear outfits Dolly Parton thought about wearing, but decided against?

There is absolutely no element of this outfit that is not baffling. Justin obviously gets a rose.

Blink if you're about to instigate this week's drama

Tre, Ratatouille and Aaron, who complain the most about drama taking up their time with Katie, decide to combat that this week by stirring up drama to take up their time with Katie. After Hunter reveals that he's watched the show before (A MONSTER, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE HE'S SEEN THIS SHOW THAT'S BEEN ON A MAJOR NETWORK FOR 45 YEARS) and already thinks he, Greg and Connor will be in Katie's top four, these ding dongs decide to focus all of their attention on him instead of, I don't know, Katie who is the Bachelorette. 

And this all goes down on....

The group date that should be really fun, but ends up being lame

RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars' Monét X Change and Shea Couleé join Katie for this week's group date as the guys learn they'll be getting onstage to roast each other. Love how this pic looks like Katie is a superfan at a meet and greet smiling for a photo her mom is taking.

While the guys take time to write jokes about each other, Monét and Shea walk around checking on them. At one point, they ask Hunter if he's in love with Katie and he honestly replies that he doesn't "throw that term around lightly" and he's not sure if he's in that place yet (a reasonable response since he's known her for maybe a month). 

Cut to the actual "roasting" that ends up being as incredibly wack as you're imagining. These men have about as much of a sense of humor as tofu has bones in it. I'll let Shea's reaction to them speak for all of us: 

Eventually, a few of the guys gang up on Hunter, who, much to their disappointment, doesn't say anything snarky in return. Instead, he tells Katie that he's falling in love with her. And words here are important — he says he's FALLING in love with her, which is MUCH different than being IN love with her (what he was asked about earlier). 

But, since words continue to take a beating in this house, the three a'dweebos do not recognize this and think that Hunter is lying since he said earlier he wasn't in love with Katie.

So during the evening portion of the date, Tre, Ratatouille and Aaron are like, "It would be nice to just talk to Katie tonight without drama" before pulling out their giant pepper shakers to pepper this evening with drama. They tell Katie that Hunter's timing for admitting he was falling for Katie was "calculated" and "concerning" when I mean, it's not like he said this out of nowhere. He was literally asked how he felt about Katie and he responded. This seems a little less calculated and a little more...how normal conversation works???? I cannot stand any of these men.

But, three guys all raising the same concern worries Katie, so she asks to speak with Hunter to see what's going on.

He tells her he's not being calculated (this must've been the "Word of the Day" on the calendar), but he doesn't blame her for wanting to sort it all out.

While they're talking, the Trio of Zeros are hard at work, trying to convince the rest of the guys that Hunter isn't here for the right reasons. Finally, the only voice of reason (and adult) in the house speaks up:

Michael says that he thinks Hunter is being honest when he says he cares for Katie. And look, when it comes to judging someone's character, I think it's safe to trust the guy who has only focused on Katie this entire time as opposed to three guys who think their shit talking will help them evolve into the next level of Pokémon (I'M A POKEMON FAN OKAY, GET OVER IT).

After Katie finishes talking with Hunter, she says this new drama has her feeling pretty queasy and we then get some really nice audio of her dry heaving. She eventually returns to the guys and says she's ending the evening early and not giving out a rose. Though, if she did give out a rose, it's safe to say it would've gone to Greg:

Every time she interacts with him, it's like she's on HIS season of The Bachelor. She's always like "DO YOU LIKE ME, HEY DO YOU LIKE ME, HEY I NEED YOU TO SAY OVER AND OVER HOW MUCH YOU LIKE ME OKAY." And during this night in particular, she tells him (again) that she's falling for him and he reacts like she just told him that she moved her clothes from the washer to the dryer.

Please send this man home

So the group date didn't go so well, but maybe this week's second solo date with former cat and current fashion tragedy Connor will. Katie says that while she likes Connor, she just doesn't "feel a spark or passion" when they kiss, which I mean, in his defense, he doesn't have any lips, so it must be hard for him to spark anything with those tiny noodles.

Right so, what better way for Katie to sort out her feelings for Connor than on a double date with her "friend" Kaitlyn and her fiancé, Jason:

This is them asking "Who? Who's Katie? How do we know each other?"

They spend the day doing random things like proving how unathletic all of them are in a game of volleyball and poking at already cooked meats on the grill like they're currently grilling them. All of these activities are distractions to waste time to get to the end of the date, so Katie can kiss Connor to see if chemistry has magically appeared.

Watching Connor kiss is like watching someone aggressively eat an ice cream cone. And I guess Katie agrees because this is both of them ahead of the evening portion of the date.

She decides she doesn't need an evening of having Connor gumming her face, so she stops by his room to break up with him. He knows this can't be good because she's in a hoodie, crying and saying stuff like this:

As she begins her breakup speech, he tells her it's okay and that he knows where this conversation is going. He asks her what changed and she says, "When we kiss, there's just something missing," which yes we've addressed this, the "thing" missing is his lips.

She apologizes, but he tells her this was all worth it and she shouldn't feel sorry. He then has a very tearful goodbye with the guys (who are all shocked he's going home). And look, Connor may not be leaving with Katie, but at least he's leaving with her foundation all over his suit jacket.

After he leaves, Katie is crying in her room until she hears music playing outside her room:

It's Blake thinking he's John Cusack while blaring some country song on what appears to be a camping stove. Katie finds this adorable and invites him up to chat and the first thing he says is "Know how hard that was to do?" And I'm sorry, what? How hard it was to hold up a 3lb boombox provided to you by the producers?? Anyway they makeout:

Which, can you blame Katie. She's trying to erase that last lipless kiss she had earlier this afternoon.

The efficiency, I'm here for it

Katie cancels this week's pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party again, but this time not because of drama, but because she already knows who she wants to continue spending time with and seeing these other dumb dumbs for two minutes at a cocktail party won't change her mind. So we're getting right to the Rose Ceremony!

To follow Katie's lead, I'll get right to the point — she sends home all of the dumbass drama starters (ALL of them) including Mouth Breather Aaron, Ratatouille James, Guy-Who-I-Used-to-Like Tre and Roid Rage Hunter. Talk about cleaning things up! I very much enjoy it.

And that means there's 7 guys left and we have to get down to 4 by the end of next week for Hometown Dates the week after. I'm predicting it'll be Michael, Greg, Andrew and Justin in the final four. But we'll see!

As a note, I won't be posting next week (my brain is like a potato and this show is a microwave and the hot potato needs to rest), but see you the week after for Hometowns! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Andrew M. holding a drink that accurately reflects how much substance this show holds:

Poor Andrew, doesn't even get a free drink, which is maybe the best part of being on this show. And "being on this show" isn't even something he'll be doing much of very soon. Let's jump in!

"So obviously, Blake is here"

Following Katie's decision last week to have Blake join the house, the producers are like, we need to turn the volume up on this Blake drama to ensure everyone knows his arrival has caused tension. So approx 12 seconds after he joins the guys, the date card is delivered and it's for him and everyone is like:

When Katie comes to pick him up, she also takes some time to address his arrival by saying, "Hehe that's right, I've added another dude and now we're going on a date, k bye." 

They leave for the first part of their date that includes a "surprise" — as a reminder, if the Bachelor/Bachelorette say they have a "surprise" and it's nighttime, it's some random country'ish band + fireworks and if it's daytime, it's.....

ALWAYS HORSES. Doesn't that also sound like the name of a Hallmark Channel holiday movie. Starring Lacey Chabert as a former equestrian who almost went to the Olympics but decided to move back to her small hometown where her model looking ex-boyfriend still lives and is single.

After riding around for a bit, they makeout in some bales of hay because why not:

And look, unless I'm Julia Stiles and you're Heath Ledger and this is "10 Things I Hate About You," making out in hay just doesn't sound that appealing, very sorry. 

Later, they have dinner in an advertisement for West Elm's lamps and home lighting sale:

Up to 50% off, but this week only!

Blake asks Katie how she became such a sex positive person (remember he just arrived, so he missed the group therapy date) and she tells him about what happened to her at a New Year's Eve party 10 years ago and how the #MeToo movement helped her to stop blaming herself and become comfortable with talking about sex again. He tells her he'll never judge her and likes her for who she is and never wants her to feel uncomfortable around him.

Katie asks Blake if he's ever been in love before and he says yes, but then there's voiceover so we don't get to hear him say "Yes, with Clare and then Tayshia and now you and honestly, probably Michelle and whoever is Bachelorette after her." 

He of course gets a rose and they kiss over what is either a hamburger bun or a steak on a giant bed of spinach??

Oh yeah and since this date started with surprise horses it has to end with surprise country'ish music, this time provided by an American Idol winner?

I'm using a question mark because I had no idea this man won American Idol and also American Idol is still going on?? And fun fact here: Katie is wearing the shoes I wore to Homecoming senior year of high school. They're silver stilettos from Vanilla Essence (this is a very niche joke for any Okinawa friends who read this). 

So anyway, seems Blake is here to stay (for now).

A half-naked, but violent, group date

All of the guys minus Blake and Andrew S. (who'll have the second solo date of the week) get to participate in this week's random AF group date — Bachelorette Bash Ball Battle, which is a sport the show made up that is like rugby but with basketball hoops at each end to score points. But wait, this is an athletic date, so that means:

That's right, outfits to both show off their bodies and also embarrass them. I guess Pam was provided too, because it appears some of the men greased up before walking onto the field.

But since this is a group of men wearing cups, things of course turn violent as they start reeeeally tackling each other hard. When like, wtf, you're participating in a made-up game while wearing Borat's bathing suit, it's not that serious. Eventually, our sweet Michael takes a pretty hard hit from Justin:

But don't worry, that camera guy gets a tight shot to record Michael possibly having a spinal injury. Oh also, forgot to mention the butts of their little outfits have hearts on them like they're sensual Care Bears. 

Michael is okay and gets up, but it's enough for Katie to cancel the rest of this (very) stupid and violent-for-no-reason game. Instead of having just the winning team join her for the evening portion of the date, she invites all of the guys. 

Cue footage of the guys waiting in line to chat with her for 30 seconds and deliver the bit they've been planning all day, the worst of which is:

Can this pink man please please please leave us alone. Jed Jr. using every opportunity to sing is tired, boring and quite frankly, corny. Plus, not sure what 80s fashion magazine he's getting his outfit tips from, but all of his clothes should be in jail. And he should maybe invest in some sunscreen because wow that skin is literally on fire.

The best of the men is of course, Michael.

After being unsure about telling the group, Michael decides to tell the guys that he's widowed....and yesterday was his wife's birthday. But he doesn't want them to feel sorry for him or cry over him because it's taught him about how finite time is and how you shouldn't waste a second of it. You can tell they all love Michael as much as we do, based on how emotional most of them get, especially....

Old Greg cries and says he had no idea because Michael is always so positive and cheerful and uplifts everyone else. 

Michael talking about time gets Greg thinking about making every moment count with Katie and he decides he needs to take a big step with her. During his time with her, she tells him he has "resting sad face" (lollllll) and that she was most worried he would want to leave after she invited Blake into the house. He tells her he'll never leave her and okay, I've heard that before, Jack and Rose on the Titanic. He then admits in his interview (but not to Katie) that he's falling for her, so I guess his "big step" was telling a producer he's falling in love? But not the actual person he's falling in love with?

The other guy of note during this date (not saying if "of note" is positive or negative) is Hunter. He uses his time with Katie to share photos of his kids:

This seems to have an impact on Katie as she ends up giving the coveted group date rose to Hunter, who spoiler alert, will soon become our newest villain. Love that for him.

"Effortlessly happy with Andrew"

Andrew gets this week's second solo date and he actually makes it through the entire date (and episode) without faking a British accent. A task I know was hard for him, since that is one of his passions (???). 

Katie picks him up for their evening date wearing a catsuit because they'll be going into the woods.

I know when I'm trekking through the woods, I exclusively wear full body leather suits.

She brings him to an area decorated with those icicle Christmas lights and hanging cards that have questions or prompts to help them get to know each other better. 

They get into the really deep stuff first like, what their go-to dance move is, before getting to the light, breezy stuff of what their parents' relationship taught them about love. 

Next is dinner (what time is it???) where Katie ignores a big ass pile of broccoli and Andrew ignores a giant glob of mashed potatoes.

Andrew shares that his dad was locked up when he was six and that's when he fell in love with football because it was like an escape. He says it was hard being surrounded by kids who had parents supporting them at games because it reminded him that he didn't have that. But because of what he experienced, he knows he won't miss a moment of his kids' lives.

They then talk about the challenges that interracial couples face and Andrew shares that his prior girlfriend (a white woman who he almost proposed to) worried about having mixed children and what they would face as a family. Katie admits feeling "naive as a white woman" about what he experiences as a Black man, but she says that she thinks their kids will be just as beautiful as their love and she doesn't care who looks at their family. Kissing then ensues:

Love how the producers surrounded them with every candle holder, glass and random vase in the state. It's like they're about to move out of this house and have emptied the kitchen cabinets.

Before they end the night, Katie says she has "another surprise" for Andrew. Which, okay so far this season, we've had fireworks, horses and random country'ish music. That means there's only one option left for what this "surprise" is:

That's right, a randomly placed hot tub. Not even sure we can call this a hot tub because the water isn't moving, this is more of a bath. Great.

Katie of course gives Andrew a rose and I think he'll be here until at least the top five.

Open your mouth slightly if you're shocked you're still here

Speaking of top five, these two milk duds are def not in it. Guy on the left's personality was actually much better when he was inside the box he arrived in. And I'm guessing guy on the right is just happy to still be here to showcase how long a Brazilian blowout can really last.

Though, you gotta give dick-in-a-box credit, he is taking time away from his job as a food critic to be here, so he must really like Katie.

He's missing out on so many dishes cooked by his favorite rat. 

All of these Rose Ceremonies feel 15 hours long

Heading into the Rose Ceremony, Bachelorette-is-my-type Blake, Unnecessarily-Intense Hunter and Sweet Andrew all have roses.

Since Hunter already has a rose, he'll probably give the other guys an opportunity to chat with Katie, right? Wrong. He puts on some chapstick because he's about to kiss everyone else's time with her, goodbye:

He steals Katie away to look at his telescope (I'm not even being inapprop here, I mean an actual telescope) and have champagne with strawberries to "celebrate" their WEEK AND A HALF ANNIVERSARY. ANNIVERSARY LITERALLY HAS PART OF THE WORD "ANNUAL" IN IT BECAUSE IT IS AN ANNUAL EVENT. Words continue to take a hit this season. Also, the only time a "week and a half" milestone is celebrated is when you're in 8th grade.

Ratatouille Food Critic (I honestly don't know his name) eventually interrupts them because he's annoyed that Hunter is taking up Katie's time when he already has a rose. Hunter almost flies into a roid rage, but settles with staring into the camera while saying "I lost some time, but I WILL GET IT BACK," as if this is the origin story of a Marvel villain. I WILL AVENGE MY TIME.

Later, Ratatouille, Tre and Aaron (who remember thrives and draws energy from drama) confront Hunter:

They tell him how annoyed they are and how inconsiderate it was of him to take so much of Katie's time. To really get his attention and nail their point home, they tell him he's acting like Thomas, which I guess in this house, is the ultimate insult.

Hunter essentially replies with "Hehe, can't change what I did so, hehehe."

After we've firmly established Hunter as our newest villain, we finally get to the Rose Ceremony and to get to the point (something this show never does), Quartney and Andrew M. are sent home along with MY OTHER BOYFRIEND, JOSH:

Similar to when John was sent home, I'm not mad about this because it means Josh and his little floral tie are free to show me their telescope (this time I'm not talking about a literal telescope, okay).

I'll end this post by asking Josh to look hot while holding his face if he wants to date me:

I mean A SIGN IS A SIGN. I'm off to get married.

And that's it! Can't wait to see what horses, country'ish singers or hot tubs surprise us next week. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).