Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail having an existential crisis. Where did this french fry come from and did I take it from its potato family? What is potato, anyway?

Jk this is her reacting to producers telling everyone they'll have to evacuate the beach due to an incoming tropical storm. And it must be serious if it stops the fry eating. 

When they start evacuating, the couples act like they'll never see each other again. Seriously. Joe and Serena cant stop hugging and Kenny says "Who knows when I'll see Mari again." And it's like, you'll see her in 5 minutes because you're all being transported, together, to a different hotel to spend the night. 

Despite God clearly trying to cancel this season, they all return the next day. Blessed. Let's jump in!

"Definitely, probably should've gone a different route"

Ivan says this after Kendall (who he gave his rose to last week) decides to leave because she can't handle watching Joe and Serena fall in love. But I mean, the quote is also pretty applicable for Kendall who only decided to come to Paradise to see if things were really done with Joe (they were).

Before she leaves, Kendall has one last chat with Joe and I'm sorry but this is the screenshot fate gave us: 

She admits that she never stopped loving him and clearly isn't over him, to which Joe asks the MOST RATIONAL QUESTION EVER: "Why didn't you tell me any of this before Bachelor in Paradise?" I love how all of these people think that relationship decisions CAN ONLY be made in Paradise. He comforts her, but tells her that he came here because he knew it was completely over between them. And with that, they hug and Joe is left with his 3 favorite S's: Serena, Socks and Sandals.

But what about Ivan, who gave his rose to Kendall last week and has basically spent no time with anyone else?

"Ivan is kind of having a sad boy summer"

To recap, Ivan was dumped by Jessenia for Chris (barf), got a friend rose from Deandra (but didn't return the favor) and was most recently hanging out with Kendall, even though she loudly holds Grocery Store Joe Fan Club meetings every Monday. So he hasn't had the best time here. But that's not stopping him from desperately clinging onto any woman who breathes in his direction because how awful would it be to have to....GASP....leave the show and return to real life.

This week, right before the Rose Ceremony, he makes a last ditch effort with Chelsea, who has been coupled with Aaron since her arrival. 

Ivan tries to convince her (and maybe himself) that they have "something" since they MAKE EYE CONTACT SOMETIMES. Ohhhh, sexy sexy, wow not safe for TV, EYE CONTACT. In response, Chelsea smartly asks if he's even thought about her before this moment, when he is desperately seeking a rose. And he does some sort of fake laugh like "Omg, of course, this isn't because I want to stay another week in hopes of someone new arriving for me to get engaged to within a week." And I guess it's convincing enough for Chelsea because:

While this is happening, Aaron's carbon dioxide emissions are through the roof, like his mouth is never closing again.

He thinks Ivan basically lied to him earlier when he said he wasn't going to "steal anyone's rose," since he's now out here woo'ing Chelsea. What is this, BachLIAR in Paradise! (Please clap)

Anyway, things escalate and Aaron says he's going to "slap that stupid beard" off of Ivan's face and tbh that's kind of funny to say and imagine. They then stand super close together to exchange lip kit recommendations. 

Wouldn't be surprised if Aaron didn't attempt to fight because he looks like the type that HOPES to get into fights at bars. Guess we'll see next week!

But wait, back to Chelsea, she's having a pretty popular week because along with Ivan and Aaron fighting over her, she's also asked out on a date by one of the new guys, which by the way....

No Neck Ed and Demar are here

Both are from Tayshia's season (let's just stop calling it Clare AND Tayshia's season because it wasn't okay). You probably remember Demar for being a fun guy with a great smile and Ed for looking like a thumb.

They make the rounds, talking to a few of the women to help them decide who to ask on a date and during this, the motto of the season, "You were on my list," makes another appearance:

Maurissa tells Demar that he was the top person on her "list" and Demar says the same about her. I'm no dating expert, but any of these people with "lists" could just.....talk to the people they're interested in, IN THE REAL WORLD? Like, everyone knows they're allowed to date and find love outside of a show, right. This isn't a Santa Claus situation, you don't have to make "lists," you can just.....message people on Instagram.

Anyway, this time the ol' list doesn't stir up any drama since Maurissa is happy with Riley. Demar ends up asking out Chelsea and Ed asks out Natasha and they go on a painting date that includes painting on canvases and also on each other (the typical BOGO deal). 

By the end of the date, it seems Natasha and Ed have formed a connection, maybe because Ed didn't spend 75% of the date screaming "MY BRENDAN???" but we'll have to see what happens next week.

Chicken nugget intermission

There are SO many chicken nuggets in this episode, which is the minimum amount that should be in every episode of every show and in my life forever. I'll just highlight my two favorite scenes and not even my favorite chicken nugget-specific scenes, I mean these are my favorite scenes of this entire season.

Aaron eating one regular serving size of nuggets:

And also, this PARTY TRAY of nuggets that I learned from Tia's Instagram were requested by Thomas for him and Becca to enjoy while bonding over photos of their dogs.

Honestly, looking at dog pics while eating a mound of chicken nuggets is my dream date. Only surpassed by looking at actual dogs in person while eating a mound of chicken nuggets.

Okay, back to business....

These two are definitely getting engaged, right

This week, the producers make Maurissa, I mean, Maurissa decides on her own to express concern about Riley not opening up to her more. She eventually sits down with Riley to talk through it and he starts off by telling her that she never has to worry about anyone taking him away from her (THIS MAN IS THE BEST MAN ON THE BEACH, OKAY). But Maurissa needs more, and by that, she means she needs him to cry.

Riley finally opens up more and tells Maurissa about the hard family situation he grew in after his parents divorced and how his dad essentially kept him and his brother away from his mom for a long time (you may remember him talking about this during Tayshia's season). 

At the end of their conversation, they say they're falling in love with each other and I think we can all agree that these two are the most likely to get engaged at the end of this?? And like, for real engaged, not like when I got "engaged" to a Crunchwrap Supreme on Facebook in 2007. A real engagement!

These two are definitely not getting engaged

After testing out everything on the buffet, Kenny has finally chosen CalaMari and they get a date card this week. Because it's been 3 minutes since the show reminded us that Kenny's "thing" is being naked (???), they spend the time eating tacos off of each other's naked bodies.

At one point, Mari rubs sour cream THROUGH HIS LEG HAIRS and it might be the most disgusting thing I've seen since my own reflection after a 50-episode binge of Love Island. Like, Kenny has a great bod and everything, but that doesn't mean I want to eat carnitas off of it. Who knows when this man last showered. He looks like he thinks getting rained on counts as showering.

After leg hair sour cream, they sit down to talk because, as Kenny puts it, "Engagement is around the corner soooo....we should probably talk?"

They both end up saying they're falling in love and Kenny admits this is the first time he's said it and oh, do you see, can you see, yep it's A RED FLAG. He says the last time he mentioned the word "love" was to his dog, so yeah this relationship is about as strong as cotton candy in water.

A bit of a love Tia'ngle (hehehehe)

As I've noted in several posts, I love Tia and she's one of my favorites from this tragic franchise, mostly because she laughs at her own jokes and makes faces like this:

Buuuut, it's also pretty clear that she is primarily attracted to selfish trash ass men (Arie, Colton, Kenny, etc.), which most recently includes this man whose name I refuse to commit to memory.

He looks like he smells like Axe and socks. But yeah, Tia is VERY into him because he has tattoos and makes out like he's stuffing an entire ice cream sandwich into his mouth at once, so the connection is very deep. But, this man has done literally nothing for her since their date and barely talks to her (omg love it, so sweet).

On the other hand, NY bro James is still pining after her and even sets up a little date for them with these little painted wooden blocks representing the cities they're from:

He clearly tells her how much he likes her and hopes to keep getting to know her, but Tia just isn't sure because I mean, who wants a man who is nice, thoughtful and clearly expresses his feelings?? I mean, especially when you can have a guy with a motorcycle who looks like he's a member of a Papa Roach cover band?

Anyway, because Tia is annoyed with what's his face, it's looking like she may end up giving her rose to the guy who actually made time to talk to her (a concept). Haha jk I hate this show, she'll obviously pick trash bag next week.

But I can't end things on a trash note, so let's wrap things up with some Noah'Gail....

They're not getting engaged, but they're adorable

This week, Noah sets up a date for Abigail that is clearly inspired by my chicken nugget date idea because they just relax in a hammock while eating a plate of fries. This is perfection. 

And that's it! The finale is in two weeks when, remember, the options are GET ENGAGED OR DIE TRYIN. Heads up that I'm not blogging the 3-hour episode next week because mama needs a break and I hate this season, but I'll back for the finale. Honestly can't wait for this chaotic season to come to a close so we can look ahead to brighter days, aka Michelle's season.

See you in two weeks! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Jessenia, Demi and Maurissa perfectly illustrating what it looks like when girls hang out with their best friends to talk shit about men:

Partially reclined, but in a way that doesn't crease your hair and on the verge of falling asleep, a form that is only saved for your closest circle.

We've only got one episode this week because God answers prayers, so let's jump in!

"No one wants you here anymore"

After kicking out Chris and Alana last week, the group reaches the final boss level of douchebag men: Brendan. Natasha reminds everyone that what Brendan did was....way worse....but no one has said anything because they all like him, whereas they were quick to kick Chris out because no one liked him (HAHA still getting burned even though he's gone). So with that small bathroom trash taken out, Joe's like let's go girls, we're taking out the big, smelly trash in the kitchen full of moldy Brendan-dan noodles.

Brendan and Pieper admit that they came only for each other, saw each other the night before Brendan left for Paradise, hung out a ton, got married and have a house, have vials of each others blood buuuuuut neither of them posted a couple's pic to Instagram, so it's not like they were official okay. And Paradise was a chance for them to explore their relationship, haha jk they're clearly here for a free vacation.

The group calls them both terrible until eventually Brendan says he's "removing himself from this" and Maurissa quickly follows up with...."FROM PARADISE ORRRRR??" 

And I'm only sad the group didn't have tomatoes and mashed potatoes to throw at him as he walked away.

Now at this point, Brendan has burst out of his human disguise and is fully Ursula'ing out. We get a clip of him saying that "Joe and a mob of disgruntled females" came after him, probably because they're "jealous" and OF COURSE THIS TRASH BAG REFERS TO WOMEN AS "FEMALES." DEAR GOD PREPARE THE SLINGSHOT, WE'RE FLINGING HIM TO THE SUN NOW. 

Eventually, Brendan "decides" to leave, making some big speech about how he's choosing Pieper and this isn't the "right place" for them as if everyone didn't just tell him that they hate him. And with that, he rides his gaslighting fumes on out of here. Meaning Joe is 2 for 2 with taking out the trash! This is reassuring for Serena to know that he understands how to complete basic household tasks.

With the trash taken out, let's check on the rest of the beach...

Still toe'in strong

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Maurissa whips up a date with Riley where they select random pieces of paper from a bowl that have different body parts written on them for them to eat whipped cream off of. I totally get the "sexy" aspect of this because I've seen Varsity Blues, but listen, does anyone really want to eat lukewarm dairy off of someone's sweaty and sandy beach body? I guess so, because Maurissa ends up eating whipped cream from Riley's big toe.

Right before this, he was wearing SHOES WITH NO SOCKS, so there's def some extra flavoring here. 

Big toe aside, I think they're the sweetest couple, though previews seem to show a new arrival going after Maurissa, so we'll see! In the meantime, lets enjoy their Lady and the Tramp moment:

Ivan looks so sad to be eating his pasta alone, so I'm on way to carb load.

"Tammy is having the worst birthday ever"

Last week, Thomas, who stole Tammy away from Mouth Breather Aaron, went on a date with Bachelorette in Paradise Becca and they really hit it off. So ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Tammy pulls him away to chat aka confirm she's getting his rose and um yeah without any context I think you can assume this face is not the face of a man about to give you his rose:

First off, Tammy tells Thomas that he's her best friend??? Which what??? You literally met this man a week ago?? You really don't have any other best friends?? Anyway, he proceeds to tell her that he has feelings for Becca and he's not sure he can picture himself being with Tammy for the long run outside of Paradise. So, he essentially dumps her. Right before the Rose Ceremony. AND FYI IT'S HER BIRTHDAY. She is eventually sent home roseless ON HER BIRTHDAY, but she does get to enjoy this little birthday cupcake in the car:

And tbh that frosted cupcake topped with a strawberry probably provided more satisfaction than any of these men, so who's the real winner here.

Along with Tammy, the other women sent home are Jessenia (who broke things off with Ivan to pursue Chris and that was a bust), Deandra (who had two guys pursuing her last week, but gave a friendship rose to Ivan and didn't get one in return) and Demi (who wasn't able to keep Kenny away from Mari).

And a special rose was given by Paradise bartender Wells to....

NATASHA, WHO DESERVES SO MUCH MORE

Following Brendan's reveal that he's one of those fugly fish from the deepest parts of the ocean, you know, the ones with underbites and lamps hanging out of their heads, Natasha hasn't had any time to form a connection with any other men, so she's pretty worried heading into the ceremony.

But (maybe future permanent host??) Wells surprises her with a rose, telling her that she deserves another shot at love, a real one. And honestly, that's the least this trash ass franchise can give her.

And that second shot at love arrives on the beach the next day:

That's right, Dr. Joe from Tayshia/Clare's season still clinging onto that wack ass hairstyle that is only appropriate for Devin Sawa in 1997. He uses his date card to ask out Natasha, which is promising because he's known for being a nice guy and he has an actual job and *bonus* knows the difference between their/they're/there. 

Their date takes place in what appears to be the closet of a party venue, just full of extra stacked glasses and a giant decorative margarita. 

Which, speaking of giant, they drink big ass margaritas (the only correct serving size) that Joe actually swaps because Natasha's has a bug in it. Him doing this is probably the kindest thing a man has done on this beach so wow the bar is in fact low. Oh, but wait, it can't be that easy.

Natasha shares what her experience in Paradise has been like and how Brendan almost ruined all of it for her. OH AND FYI BRENDAN AND JOE ARE BEST FRIENDS (the flags, they are very very red). Knowing they're friends, she asks if Joe knew Brendan was dating Pieper before and umm this is the face of a man WHO KNOWS his friend is a dog, but wants to cover for him:

Joe says that he didn't know if they were "dating dating" (lollll great lying) before repeatedly yelling "MY BRENDAN?" as if he doesn't know "his" Brendan is a jerk. Natasha immediately catches onto his protect-Brendan-at-all-costs vibe and is like lemme see if I can nap my way on out of here:

From this moment on, it's like we get a totally different Joe. He goes from being thoughtful and eloquent to sounding pretty dumb while REPEATEDLY exclaiming "MY BRENDAN??" which is proof that Brendan really is a disease that can negatively impact people in a variety of ways. Speak with your doctor about the best treatment options.

I think it's safe to say Joe'Tasha won't be going the distance, so we'll see who arrives next week for Natasha instead.

I have never seen this man before in my life

This rando also arrives this week with a date card and I have to ask, is this show just picking random men off the street? I've never heard of "Blake" before even though he claims to be from Clare's season. 

Anyway, he chats with Natasha and Tia, but it's pretty clear he and Tia have the most chemistry as she says he is "exactly" her type and she refers to him as "tatty daddy" (ew). I guess that's her only requirement. Tattoos. 

Oh and by the way, Tia is newly coupled up with finance bro prototype (and dick-in-a-box) James, who said he was excited for the first time to be getting to know someone here. So yeah, he and his extra long tank top are less than thrilled to see Blake possibly interested in Tia:

Blake of course ends up asking out Tia and they head out for a day of four wheeling and sitting on a randomly placed bench next to a plate of fruit that neither of them will eat. During their chat, Tia admits she feels extremely comfortable with Blake and it's like they already have a strong connection even though this is the first time they've met. Blake agrees and they both say they can ALREADY see this working outside of the show and like, what, how? This is the first conversation you've had? Shouldn't you wait to find out if he has any toxic traits like owning Ed Hardy hats?? 

They end the date by making out under a shower in the rain (I don't have the brainpower to comment further on the stupidity of this, okay):

While they're taking a shower in the rain, James is back on the beach being sad with his best bro Aaron:

Huge thank you to Aaron for actually closing and covering his mouth to allow the camera crew more oxygen to breathe. James is pretty sure that Tia will come back all happy with Blake and they're both then like, what are we doing wrong here? And um, I don't know, maybe constantly only hanging out with each other and not spending time forming connections with the other people here? Just a wild guess. Since the women have roses next week, I'm pretty sure James will be heading home.

Speaking of heading home....

Why is Kendall still here??

While we got no footage of it happening, Ivan and Kendall formed enough of a connection for him to give her his rose this week. And obviously, I enjoy Ivan, but he's also stupid for thinking Kendall has any interest in pursuing a relationship with him when she's constantly wearing a t-shirt that says "I HEART JOE." Near the end of this week's episode, we get this shot of her sitting on the beach at sunset like she's Ariel, so clearly something is afoot (hehehe).

And the thing that is afoot is Joe and Serena' relationship, which is going pretty well. Joe sets up a little date for them and by "date" I mean a production assistant places a blanket on the ground with lamps.

Why this man continues to wear socks on the beach is beyond me. He must have disgusting claw like toes or something. Anyway, during beach blanket time, Joe and Serena both admit they're falling in love and it's all cute and sweet and yeah anyway, Kendall is literally staring at them from 2ft away, so not the cutest experience for her. She's so affected, she can't even pretend to be interested in kissing Ivan:

Poor Ivan. Honestly at this point, he should consider leaving the beach and marrying me, it's the best option, I think we can all agree.

The episode ends with Kendall walking away, but we don't know if she's leaving leaving. But I mean, her ex is falling in love, I think it's probably best that she scoots on home. 

And that's it! I'm so tired of this show! I would like to stop watching, please help me! But okay see you next week. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 4)

This week's post is again brought to you by Jessenia, showing how I reacted to the IGNORANT BEHAVIOR BY THESE TRASH ASS MEN THIS WEEK:

There's a lot happening and it's become pretty clear that the producers just stir up as much shit as possible every week before throwing it all at the wall to see what sticks. But the thing to remember is, we have made a grave error by deciding to watch this because there is shit everywhere. So let's jump in!

This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.

Look, I can admit when I'm wrong and in the case of Brendan, I was very very very very wrong. I let his good ass face deceive me (not the first time, haha cries) because as we learned this week, sometimes the most poisonous snake slithers around unnoticed for a while because of its chiseled cheek bones (that's a saying, don't look it up). 

Following weeks of everyone being like "Brendan, we know you're waiting for Pieper" and him being like "No, I barely know her," Pieper shows up and he's immediately like "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, GIRLFRIEND." She barely introduces herself before using her date card on Brendan and I don't want to share any more screenshots of them than is needed, so anyway Becca and Maurissa's reactions perfectly capture the atmosphere when Pieper asks out Brendan in front of Natasha:

To summarize it all because it makes me want to throw my laptop out the window thinking about it: Brendan and Pieper were dating before coming on the show, they agreed to join the cast to boost both of their social media followings and Brendan did whatever he needed to in order to stick around until Pieper arrived — which primarily included lying to Natasha. 

Natasha (and all of us) knew about this all along, so after their date, she confronts Pieper about it to get her side, since she's already heard Brendan's dumb ass lies and yeah Pieper pretty much confirms everything.

She tells Natasha that they hung out A LOT before the show and now she basically considers him her boyfriend. Natasha tells her this all seems very calculated, like they're just in Paradise to be a "TV couple," to which Pieper defends herself by saying they're not a TV couple since "We don't vlog everything" WHICH COMPLETELY MISSES THE POINT HERE. AND ALSO WE KNOW YOUR DUMBASS IS GOING TO LAUNCH A COUPLE'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL AFTER THIS???? 

Anyway, Natasha then moves on for one last conversation with Brendan who we have established is one of the most garbage people to appear on this show, which is saying a lot considering this show is built on a foundation of garbage. She is truly one of the most patient and calm people on the planet, as she listens to this bottom dwelling man gaslight the hell out of her, all while maintaining this face:

He proceeds to tell her she must've had "selective hearing" when she brings up how he described his "casual" situation with Pieper. He also tells Natasha that he "clearly" told her that he had no romantic feelings for her and only gave her a rose to "find love with someone else" WHICH HE DID NOT DO AND WE HAVE PROOF OF BECAUSE THIS IS A TV SHOW??? HE IS LITERALLY TRYING TO GASLIGHT US AS VIEWERS TOO??? She deserves a medal and every prize in the world for not ripping his entire beard off his face. 

But wait, to really ensure we know this man deserves to step on Legos all day and never be able to experience the relief of a sneeze, Brendan says that Natasha had "no other prospects" and he did her a favor by giving her a rose. I cannot emphasize enough how much I want to fling this entire man directly into the sun. 

What's more annoying is these two bing bongs think they're pulling off some MASTER SCAM when really they're doing that thumb magic trick, you know where you bend your thumb and make it look like you're disconnecting it. After all of this goes down, Brendan and Pieper hang out by the pool and seem to forget they're wearing microphones because as we've established, they are stupid. They talk in detail about their social media followings and Brendan notes that it'll be "so great" when the show airs because Pieper's name is said so many times before her arrival. And she thanks him for doing the "heavy lifting" before she arrived so she could just "swoop in" and dear God can someone or something swoop in and kick these people off this show forever, thanks.

Concluding this section by again saying that Brendan is Satan and more importantly...

NATASHA FOR BACHELORETTE!!!

But wait, it's BOGO on trash

As a reminder this is Chris who none of us remember since he got 15 seconds of screentime during Katie's season. He arrived last week and told Jessenia he was only here for her, leading her to end things with Ivan since Chris was the other guy on her "list." Welllll turns out Chris has a list too and it doesn't just include Jessenia's name. We find out who this other person is during the "VIP" party thrown by new guest host Tituss Burgess for *some* of the group, hosted in I guess a high school cafeteria:

When the group walks in, someone says it "looks like a club," which isn't entirely false since this looks like where the French Club could host a weekly meeting when the library is booked. 

Tituss surprises everyone by welcoming four new women to the party — Alayah (from Peter's season), Chelsea (the model from Matt's season), McKenna (the dramatic influencer from Peter's season) and some girl I have never seen before in my life named Alana (allegedly from Matt's season). These women may get invited to join the cast if they "form a connection" with someone during the party and anyway I'll let Deandra's reaction speak for all of us:

Right so I guess Alana and Chris have hung out before and bonded over literally no one knowing who the hell they are and Alana is the other person on Chris' "list." And surprise surprise, Alana is only here for Chris, what a coincidence.

Approx 30 seconds after Alana's arrival, Chris is like "Jessenia who?" because he is trash.

Jessenia finally makes him have a conversation after seeing him try to Walking Dead eat Alana's face off and he tells her that there's "something missing" from their TWO-DAY LONG relationship and he thinks he can get that from Alana. I really can't scream enough how much we need to take some of these inconsiderate, rude ass men and crumple them up and toss them into garbage cans full of old bananas.

Jessenia leaves the party early and returns to the beach and tells everyone about the new arrivals and the Chris and Alana situation (which Deandra accurately describes as "a little Brendan and Pieper'y).

I know it's hard to tell what's going on here since there's like 18 elbows in the pic, but the women all come around Jessenia to comfort her.

The next day, Alana of course arrives on the beach with a date card and immediately asks out Chris and I can't decide whose reaction is best — Tammy and Jessenia like "wtf really" or Abigail completely ignoring this nonsense.

Also yes, Alana pulls the exact same move that Pieper did with Brendan, aka they planned on dating in Paradise and it's like damn girl find your own villainous thing to do. 

After moping around all morning because he truly believes he is the victim here because, I mean, it's not his fault he's so popular, Chris emerges to tell everyone that he's going to "follow his heart" and go out with Alana.

And ya'll, the way the entire group responds like "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU" absolutely sent me.

I'm not detailing any of the date between these two people who had a combined screentime of 90 seconds before Paradise because approx zero of us care. Plus, we need to get to what's more important:

After this date between two nobodies, Grocery Store Joe, Riley and Riley's biceps join Jessenia and Maurissa in addressing Chris' ignorant behavior. Riley tells Chris that he has "no honor" and it's clear he's only here for clout since he was sent home from The Bachelorette in the first episode (lollllll a hilarious and factual burn). At one point, Alana tries to butt in like, "Does anyone want to hear my side?" and Jessenia answers for all of us:

Chris looks like he's on the verge of tears the entire time, which is indeed something I enjoy. After going off on him about how he lied, the group finally tells him he needs to GTFO and for the first time this season, a man listens to instructions. He AND Alana leave since everyone hates them. 

The way the group so quickly came together to kick out this couple who clearly schemed their way here is great, but ummmm I think someone has a question:

Where was this immediate action when Brendan revealed he was Satan and acted even worse than Chris?? Hoping he gets hurled into the sea in next week's episode.

Wow. That was a lot of hot trash, so I guess we should talk about the other random crap that happened in the 15 minutes not dedicated to Brendan or Chris being scumbags.

Is there like 40 women on the show now

As a reminder, Kendall arrived at the end of last week. If you don't remember, Kendall is from Arie's season (vomit) and is what you get when you mix every "quirky girl" TV character (yes I'm talking about Zooey Deschanel in New Girl) into one person. 

She's only here for Joe because she feels they didn't have any real "closure" after their breakup, so yeah the place to get that is def on TV. He tells her that he doesn't mind talking with her, but he's been hanging out with Serena and he likes where it's going. Which, speaking of Serena, he chats with her after and wow the chemistry, just off the charts:

Joe tells Serena that he really likes her and she is his primary focus, but he may talk to Kendall more for "closure." She tells him that if he decides at any point that he wants to get back together with Kendall, he needs to clearly let her know because she doesn't want to "be involved in a messy situation." And like, look around you girl, there is spaghetti sauce and confetti everywhere, this is already messy.

My guess is Kendall will stick around until the next Rose Ceremony when Joe gives Serena his rose.

Quick break for some goodness

Abigail and Noah make up after their first "fight" last week and um heavy emphasis on those air bunnies because I still don't really understand what it was about. Heavy is the head that wears the crown as they agree to continue being the show's power couple.

Why do so many women like Kenny??

After telling Kenny that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too and then seeing Kenny share his cake with two other women, Mari realizes she needs to reel this cake train back in. She tells Kenny that she's had a sudden epiphany and only wants to focus on him and building their relationship. He tells her he won't just jump right back in with her except jk, he says he would leave with her today if he could.

He then breaks it off with Demi, who is upset because he told her the door was shut with Mari. Buuuut guess he didn't clarify that all of the windows and the garage door were wide open for her, so.

He doesn't even talk to Tia about it, but also I don't think she actually cares. She's just here to get some sun and hang out with her best friend.

I love Tia, but pretty sure she'll be out of here at the next Rose Ceremony. But as for Becca....

Why do so many women like Thomas??

Becca gets a date card and uses it to ask out Tall Thomas because based on her history (Arie and Garrett), she only dates men covered in red flags. 

I guess this date takes place inside a Christmas ornament store. 

But wait, didn't Becca give Aaron her rose last week? Why didn't she ask him out? Wellllll.....

Mouth Breather goes out with Chelsea

Chelsea, the model from Matt's season who was also at the "VIP" party, arrives with a date card and asks out Aaron. It's actually for the best that he gets away from the group for a bit so the oxygen can be replenished. They have a nice time and Aaron returns to learn that ANOTHER woman has left him for Thomas (lolololol).

And that's it! We'll see what happens with the Rose Ceremony next week, but I think we can all agree that best case scenario is someone punches Brendan in the throat. Fingers crossed!

See you for that! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).