Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Nayte making this face at Chris that I think is safe to say is the face 110% of people make at Chris at all times:

We'll get into all of this stupidity soon (I know you were worried). We're in Michelle's hometown of Minneapolis this week, so let's jump in! 

A Minnesota date with Minnesota Joe

Prior ghost Joe gets this week's first solo date that begins the way that most first dates do, by throwing out a pitch at a Minnesota Twins game:

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Very casual, honestly if you don't do this with all of your Tinder dates, you're lazy.

They then visit Michelle's high school where she takes Joe on a stroll down memory lane, showing him where her old locker was and photos and trophies from when she played basketball along with some yearbooks:

If someone asked me to show them where my high school locker was, I'd have to track down the Honda Prelude I drove back then and open the trunk because yes bb that's where those Physics and Calculus textbooks resided 24/7.

They wrap up the 17 Again portion of the date with a game of one-on-one in Michelle's old gym before sitting down for serious talk in the bleachers. 

Michelle tells Joe that he reminds her of her dad and brother because of how reserved he is. He tells her that he's always been like this, probably because his dad was even more reserved than him, but he's working on opening up more and being with her on this "journey" has helped.

Later at dinner, Joe opens up even more, telling Michelle about the mental struggles he faced after his basketball career came to an end in college due to injuries. 

He knew he wasn't in a good place and needed to focus on what could make him happy outside of basketball, which is why he ended up moving back to Minnesota. 

Even though it's clear it makes him uncomfortable to share all of this Michelle, Joe tells her that he's trying and wants to open up because she's worth it.

And to that I say, you know what's worth it, whatever that fried piece of chicken? fish? is on his plate next to what appears to be a steak. A LIL SURF N' TURF, HUH. I admire how everyone on this show is able to naturally ignore plates of food 6 inches away from their face. Like if there's a burrito within a 2 mile radius of me, I am staring at it.

Anyway, Joe of course gets a rose and unless he somehow ghosts her on TV, he is FOR SURE in Michelle's top 3. 

I guess we're just promoting all Minnesota sports teams

This week's group date takes place at the Minnesota Vikings' stadium, but instead of being joined by Vikings players, the group is joined by Vikings actors (this is a real "what you ordered vs. what you got" moment):

The guys change into Vikings outfits that 90% of them look not so bad in, while the other 10% of them are named Chris:

I could not stop laughing. While I know this is supposed to be a centaur costume, the way he was trotting around made him look like a donkey, which actually makes more sense since he really is half man, half jackass.

Anyway, the guys compete against each other while doing a bunch of things like throwing logs and arm wrestling and eating disgusting food — all things that are necessary in a future husband apparently. In the end, Pinky is named "ultimate viking":

This is literally the most we've heard from Clayton in 5 weeks and I mean that literally. He "viking" screams several times at levels I've personally only heard while I am singing Adele (SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUUUU).

Later during the date's cocktail party, Michelle thanks all of these milk duds for stepping up and GASP not ignoring her, the Bachelorette, this week. The bar, it is so low, it is below ground.

During her time with Brandon, Michelle surprises him with some more nordic fish because he seemed to enjoy it so much during the viking challenge:

Y'all, he really bit the entire head off this dried fish, like Bear Grylls went for it.

Okay but this time, the "nordic fish" is actually Swedish Fish candy, which tbh is just as disgusting.

I SAID WHAT I SAID, SWEDISH FISH IS A STUPID CANDY THAT HAS NO FLAVOR AND THE ONLY PUROSE IT SERVES IS TO GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.

Swedish Fish aside, I find Brandon adorable. He tells her that he doesn't know if they'll end up together because he knows she has to follow her heart, but he's truly investing in their relationship. 

Michelle also has a really nice conversation with Clayton and actually all of the guys make the most of their time with her, except for one miniature horse:

Chris is too busy making out with his drink to talk to Michelle, who he thinks should be the one seeking him out (love a man gaslighting himself into believing this is his season of The Bachelor). He spends the entire night sulking around like his daddy just told him he can't get another Porsche and thinks that sharing that news about Nayte last week is the equivalent of gifting Michelle a house, so she owes him attention and gratitude. When really, what he is owed is us grabbing him (probably with just one hand) and flinging him directly into the sun.

Anyway, we'll come back and squash this Chris bug later. Ultimate viking champ Clayton gets the group date rose.

Lake date with Nayte

The man Chris wishes he could be, Nayte, gets this week's second one-on-one. Michelle takes him out on Lake Minnetonka because it's where she spent a lot of time growing up and where she dreams of having a house one day.

They're soon joined by two of her best friends who are here to ask the "hard questions," can't you tell:

They ask Nayte such softball questions like "Do the guys in the house like you" and "Did you expect to fall this quickly for someone." It just reminded me that my best friends would not be coming in that ill prepared, but would be like "YEAH SUP, WE PRINTED OUT YOUR ENTIRE CREDIT HISTORY AND WE'VE INTERVIEWED ALL OF YOUR EXES AND TALKED TO YOUR LAST 3 BOSSES, NOW TELL US WHY YOUR EMAIL PASSWORD IN 2006 HAD THIS GIRL'S NAME IN IT." 

Her friends of course love Nayte because I mean, have you seen Nayte (this is exactly why I do in fact need relationship supervision from friends) and he and Michelle end their lake day by jumping in because you didn't think these producers would miss an opportunity to show Nayte shirtless, right.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Michelle asks Nayte what he needs in a relationship and he tells her open dialogue, good communication, someone to call him out on his BS and someone to have fun with. Which okay all standard stuff, this is the equivalent of someone saying they "love to travel" on their dating profile.

Michelle then shares more about her past, specifically, a toxic 3-year relationship that caused her so much stress and anxiety, she became physically ill and couldn't keep food down. The guy eventually left her when she was at her sickest and she moved back in with her parents and really struggled for a time, which aint it the move of a trash ass man to make you get sick, then leave you because you're sick. FLING HIM, INTO THE SUN.

Anyway, Michelle and Nayte are really connecting and she tells him today has been one of her favorite days ever, that is until.....

A wild Frodo emerges from the shadows at an unfortunate angle that proves he's about the same height as Nayte...when Nayte is sitting down. Chris has become so frustrated that no one is paying any attention to his temper tantrum, that he's decided to bring it front and center. And I gotta tell ya, this is not the face of a woman who is thrilled to see him:

Nayte calls him "weird," which is factual, before Michelle agrees to talk with him for a few minutes because I think she knows if she doesn't, he will start rolling around on the floor. This is then the face she has to endure:

This man is somehow the personification of Monday — like here I am again, to ruin your life.

Long story short (hehe), Chris is upset that Michelle didn't worship him for telling her about the non dramatic thing Nayte said. He also can't believe she had the audacity to do what she wanted (keep Nayte around) instead of what he wanted (for her to lift him up so he could dunk). Michelle tells him that she didn't like him speaking for her at last week's cocktail party and she needs a man who can support her when she speaks, not speak for her. 

She then wraps things up by telling him that they're clearly not on the same page and asks if he's heard this song called BYE BYE BYE because his ass is going home (she might not have said that, we'll never know). 

With that short king out of our lives, Michelle returns to Nayte and gives him a rose.

I imagine Nayte will also be in Michelle's top 3.

Wait when did we get down to 10 guys

Michelle opens this week's Rose Ceremony cocktail party by sharing the news that she sent Crisco home and y'all, look how happy she is to say it because that man really gave her the ick:

She then spends time with the 10 guys who are left (weren't there like 85 men here last week), including surprising Brandon with a birthday cake:

By now you should know why I'm including this moment — LOOK HOW TASTY THAT CAKE LOOKS. THAT PERFECT FROSTING. THOSE BERRIES. I bet it's (sorry to say it) SO MOIST.

Michelle's having a pretty great time, which is a huge change from the hot mess every other cocktail party has been. Sensing things are just going too well for Michelle, Lance Ass swoops in to remind her that men with hair like this, should never be loved:

During his time with Michelle, Martin tells her that she isn't high maintenance, which is good because "all girls in Miami are," which is hilarious to hear coming from a man who probably spends more on his hair in a week than most women do in a year. Michelle then asks him what he means by "high maintenance" and he bumbles saying it's when women "expect" the man to do everything and that men don't normally go into relationships with that thinking. And this is Michelle's face while he delivers his dissertation on women:

Martin then feels totally fine and secure about what he said to Michelle as is evident in him running to anyone who will listen to say "I feel totally fine about what I said to Michelle, totally fine, I'm breezy, what I said was totally okay, and if it wasn't, Michelle misunderstood." And the way the other guys don't encourage him or say "Sure man!" while he's flopping is hilarious, they're just letting him Captain D's flounder out here.

Anywho, heading into the Rose Ceremony, 3 guys have roses (Joe, Clayton and Nayte) and there's 5 roses to give out among the remaining 7 roseless dudes (where was this word problem on the SAT). 

In the end, Michelle KEEPS DUMBASS MARTIN AROUND and sends home Leroy and Dax Shepard lookalike Casey. My guess is the producers told her she's contractually obligated to maintain one problematic man until at least the top 6, so congrats to Martin for becoming the reigning stupidest man of the season.

But we're down to 8 guys! See you all next week as we give thanks that we're finally getting close to the finale. Til then, find me eating entire pecan pies in preparation for the holiday and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by this absolutely glorious charcoochie board:

Who is SHE tho. The way the light is hitting that meat and cheese, pure art.

It's week 4! Which means nothing other than it's after week 3 and before week 5 and I still do not have the brain capacity 4 remembering who most of these men are. Let's jump in!

"I'm still deciding if Martin makes my heart race"

While Jamie has been sent home (thank G), his best pal Martin is still here and what better way for Michelle to test if their "love is on the right track" than with a one-on-one date at a BMW race track.  

We don't know much else about Martin, except that he looks he's from a 2000s pop punk band and probably doesn't have a bedframe. While he and Michelle are drifting around the track, he says there's a "sexy car, sexy lady and a whole lot of sexy going on right now," so we at least learn that he is extremely poetic.

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During hot tub time in what appears to be a giant trash can, Martin asks Michelle how she's feeling post-Jamie drama and she tells him she's glad to be past it, but asks how he's feeling since they were such good friends. 

Martin then reveals the "I heart Jamie" tattoo on his chest, saying that he still thinks Jamie is an amazing man, which low key questions Michelle's judgement in sending him home and also proves those shaved parts on his head clearly go down to the brain. We can tell Michelle is a little uneasy about his praise of Jamie based on how loud this super dramatic background music gets and also because of this face she makes for the rest of the conversation: 

Like, "really, this is the hill you're going to die on?" To accompany the loud dramatic music, the producers also give us these lingering zoomed in shots of Martin's hands and it's like okay is one of the camera people trying to be a serious cinematographer or something because there's no room for that here, this is The Bachelorette.

Later at dinner, Michelle is like um hey yeah that was weird earlier when you were praying at an altar to Jamie. 

Martin responds by being like "Ah yes" and then somehow justifying that because he doesn't know how to communicate because his parents were terrible at it. He says he doesn't know how to talk about his emotions and doesn't cry because it was never okay to do in his house. Which yes, that's terrible, but first off, what does that have to do with thinking Jamie is from The Good Place when he's clearly from The Bad Place? And secondly, WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE THESE GIANT PILES OF FOOD:

Looks like salmon on the left and some sort of gargantuan pasta dish, I AM VERY INTERESTED. HERE IS MY ROSE.

Which speaking of, I guess Martin's explanation is good enough for Michelle because he gets a rose.

A reminder that these stupid men are still stupid men

Ahead of the group date, the 12 guys receive gifts from Michelle that are various types of pajamas, or for Brandon, just grey sweatpants ;)

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The date ends up being a giant "slumber party," complete with pizza, candy, a spa area and teddy bear making, a combination that makes the men immediately act like they're 15 years old. 

Honestly, this episode's food content is top tier. THAT BOWL OF DORITOS. IN THE WORDS OF BRITNEY, GIMME GIMME MORE.

Anyway, the guys start acting like they're at a slumber party with each other and not Michelle, which as you can imagine, hurts her feelings because the point of this show is for the guys to prove they want to be in a relationship with her, the Bachelorette, Michelle, who is the Bachelorette, the focal point of this show called The Bachelorette.

She doesn't say anything to their faces, which is big of her because I sure as hell would be cutting all of these men off from the snacks table. Instead, things move along into this week's random group date activity featuring the Bella twins.

The guys learn they'll be participating in the "Ultimate Teddy Bear Take Down," which means we get to watch grown ass men aggressively hit each other with teddy bears. I don't understand what part about this proves how good of a husband a guy will be, unless married people often encounter people who want to fight them, but only with stuffed animals.

After they all compete, these ding dongs CONTINUE to pay about as much attention to Michelle as they do to Apple's terms and conditions and it's ridiculous. She grows more upset because she's feeling very "unseen," which sucks since she literally just told these idiots during the poetry date last week that she had to deal with that all the time growing up.

Later, she begins the date's cocktail party by telling them that it feels like she's putting in a lot of effort to find small moments with the guys and they aren't reciprocating.

When she says this, it's like all of the guys return to their bodies because I guess they've been floating in some parallel locker room universe. They then lineup to apologize and tell her they now "see" her.

The most meaningful conversation happens with Olu, who tears up when Michelle expresses how hurt she is. When he chats with Michelle, he tells her how much he felt her pain because it reminded him of his sister and how he reassures her and tells her that she is seen and deserves love.

He gets the group date rose and we must protect this man at all costs. 

"Rick, my little lettuce wrap"

Intense eyes Rick gets this week's second solo date and I've realized that while something about him does creep me out, it creeps me out in a good-Jake Gyllenhaal-type way. Everyone needs a little creepy in their life.

For their date, Michelle says that it's been super hot in the desert and the "best way" for them to cool off is to find higher altitude and like, I don't want to question Michelle, but I'm pretty sure the best way to cool off is to sit inside with AC. But instead of that, they take a cable car to the top of some mountain and hike around before "happening" to come across this little box:

It's some sort of "wish" box where people can leave their wishes, but before they do, they have to read every wish that's already in the box. So Michelle and Rick read through these wishes that other people and definitely not producers have left behind and they're mostly love or family focused. 

They then sit atop a GIGANTIC downed tree that honestly both of them must've had to run and jump onto. Rick tells Michelle that it's easy to be around her and open about his feelings and they share a nice kiss:

Well, creepily nice because HIS EYES ARE OPEN. Rick, he's always watching you.

Later during the evening portion of the date, he does this cute ass shit:

He also opens up about his parents, sharing that when he was 17, he saw a text on his dad's phone from another woman. The next day, he told his mom and a few days later she told him they were moving out and his parents eventually divorced because of his dad's cheating. He adds that his dad was very depressed during the last 10 years of his life and took his own life 3 years ago and reading those wishes reminded him of his dad, but being with Michelle helped him get through the day.

Rick might be the most emotionally intelligent man of the bunch as he goes on to tell Michelle that he knows he'll be falling in love with her and he's looking forward to telling her when it happens. HE'S LOOKING FORWARD TO TELLING HER HE LOVES HER. EXCUSE ME, DO I LOVE HIM NOW???

He obviously gets a rose and they wrap up the evening by dancing to A SINGER WE ACTUALLY KNOW:

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Andy Grammar! Wow, the snacks and music budget for Michelle's season is exponentially higher than Katie's, I love it. 

But wait, so Michelle had a really nice, drama free date? That just won't do. Please bring in the giant wooden spoon who will be stirring the pot before tonight's Rose Ceremony....

"The S in Chris stands for snake"

Short king Chris realizes that since he's not at the required height to be on this show, the camera probably hasn't been picking up on him. So to get some attention, he delivers this speech at the beginning of the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, saying that there's "some guys" in the house who think they "have it in the bag" and they don't deserve Michelle. 

He then talks with Michelle and immediately tattles, saying that when Martin's date card was delivered, Nayte made a comment about how for him, it wasn't about "if" he'd get a date card, it was about "when." This is alarming for Michelle for two reasons: 1) Who knew Chris was even still around and 2) Natye is def one of her favorites. So she chats with him next.

She gets right to business, telling Nayte that she isn't a "prize" and this isn't about "winning" and no one has anything in the bag. He does fumble his words a little in response (and doesn't deny what Chris said he said), but says he can't control what other people say or think about him.

He leaves and immediately pulls Chris away to talk.

Chris steps away from his quest to find one ring to rule them all and tells Nayte that he only talked about him because Michelle "probed" him (note: she did not). This exchange then happens:

Chris: So anyway, Michelle forced me to talk about you. But whatever, worry about yourself.
Nayte: I am??? You're the one talking about me??
Chris: Yes correct, but your name only happened to come out of my mouth because I planned to talk to Michelle about you, but only because of that chance reason

Nayte walks away and calls Chris a "dweeb," which is pretty hilarious name calling.

So gee, I wonder what will happen at the Rose Ceremony!

They both get roses because by law, Chris has to get his two-episode villain arc before he can be sent home. Also lol'ing at the height difference here. Can't wait for Chris' babysitter to come pick him up, both in a car and also pick up like a baby.

Will (who had the drama with Little Caesars Peter) and the other Chris are sent home along with HOT MATHEMATICIAN/HALLMARK MOVIE GUY, ROMEO:

I feel like we barely got to know him, but don't worry, I'll be signing up for some one-on-one tutoring.

And that's it! Next week, the show is headed to Michelle's hometown in Minneapolis, so see you for that! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Martin staring directly into the camera because maybe like us, he's also just learned his name is Martin:

He gets some actual screentime this week, so I think I'll now remember who he is. Before this week's episode, I figured he was just a time traveling hologram because he looks like what middle schools boys looked like when they started bleaching their hair in the 2000s (so edgy).

It's week 3 and you guys, there's a major trash pickup coming, so let's jump right in so we can bag it up.

Can Michelle just marry one of these guys instead

For the first group date, Glen Powell (who played a hot John Glenn in "Hidden Figures") and Jay Ellis (who plays hot Lawrence on "Insecure") join Michelle at a hangar to put the guys through a series of Top Gun challenges, since they're both in the Top Gun reboot and to that I say, I've got a top for these two guys to gun, ahahaha.

Anyway, the guys change into flight suits and a couple of them (primarily Little Caesar Peter) wear them like they're deep V-neck shirts.

Michelle can only pick one "Maverick" who will get to spend special one-on-one time with her. She'll choose after the guys do things like push ups and high knees and is this the presidential fitness test. They're also forced to get into a G-Force simulator and while they're spinning around, they have to tell Michelle how they feel about her:

I know I never feel closer to a guy than when he's spilling his feelings to me while potentially spilling his lunch. Mmmm romance.

Was honestly surprised Peter even agreed to go on this thing because the man's hairline is one strong gust of wind away from extinction.

Those 3 strands of hair are fighting for their life, clinging onto that hair gel. But anyway, when he's on the simulator, he expresses his feelings to Michelle in Italian and fancies himself to be Marcus Aurelius. So he's absolutely pissed that when his longtime rival of approx one episode Will goes, he expresses his feelings to Michelle in Spanish. Little Caesar claims Will is "copying" him, which I'm no linguist but I'm pretty sure Spanish is not the same as Italian. This incredibly stupid and baseless rivalry grows deeper when Will ends up winning the date and is awarded a Forever21 bomber jacket:

This jacket is apparently the last (cheese) straw for Peter who feels the need to stir up an argument with Will AGAIN during ANOTHER group date and wow Will's exasperated expression speaks for all of us:

But can you blame Peter, I mean, he has nothing to offer Michelle in terms of smarts, looks, conversation or hair, but he is incredibly annoying so he has to show her that! What's worse is Peter is like every idiotic bully — he has THE WORST comebacks. Like if you're gonna be a rude bitch, at least have some scathing barbs. Instead, he says things to Will like "You hate my mouth because you wish you had it" which doesn't even surpass "U-G-L-Y, you aint got no alibi, you ugly" in terms of cleverness. 

Right, so Peter thinks Will is dramatic and hysterical, so while he is talking with Michelle, Peter proves he is the more mature one by grabbing Will's bomber jacket and throwing it in the pool. 

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Very non-dramatic, calm and rational behavior. When Will finds out, he doesn't make a big deal out of it because he doesn't want to ruin the night and it's actually kind of sad to watch him fish the jacket out of the pool. 

While this stupidity is happening, Martin is actually winning the evening.

He was already on Michelle's mind after taking time during the group date to pull her aside and ask how she was and wow men doing the bare minimum, standing ovation. She thanks him for being mature and tells him that she's confident that he's here for her and he ends up getting the group date rose. And since he gets the rose, he then gets extra time with Michelle:

They dance to a string quartet playing "Take My Breath Away," which is actually the most Top Gun thing about this entire date.

"I would apple'outly love it if you would accept this rose"

Rodney gets this week's solo date and remember his "thing" with Michelle is not being able to tell apples apart. He truly thinks all apples are granny smith apples. Playing off that, for the first part of their date, they take turns being blindfolded while the other feeds them foods that they have to guess from this selection:

Even though I can tell these foods have been sitting out for HOURS, like look at those flaccid french fries, it doesn't deter how intensely attracted I am to all of these dishes. That spaghetti sauce has congealed and yet, I'd still give it the first impression rose.

Anyway, they then do a bunch of other things (read: random producer created activities to take up time) before wrapping up things as most dates conclude — with some streaking.

Rodney has to run around the hotel naked while Michelle cheers him on and this has truly been such a grab bag assortment of activities. While he's running around, all of the guys come out of their rooms to see what's going on along with Tayshia and Kaitlyn:

I can't decide what I relate to more — Tayshia's facial expression or Kaitlyn's hands because if both aren't what you do when you're surprised but also having an overwhelming feeling to scream laugh.

What I'll say about Rodney is he seems so genuinely and fully here for Michelle and willing to be as vulnerable and open as she needs him to be. He shares that his biggest fear is passing away before he becomes a husband and father and in response, Michelle tells him that hers is becoming complacent, but that's also her weakness because she's always focusing on the next thing instead of enjoying the now. And you guys, this is how he looks at her every time she speaks:

You can tell that Michelle could say she taught a duck how to play the tuba and he'd be like that's the ducking best.

They both talk about how important it is for their partner in life to understand how race affects their everyday lives. Michelle shares that a white woman called her the n-word in the grocery store once and it obviously upset her, but when she got home and told her then boyfriend, he told her she shouldn't be upset because that was "giving power to the woman who said it." She didn't say his name, but we must find this man and fling him into the sun, okay. She says she felt like she had to justify how she was feeling to this guy, which is ridiculous because she is allowed to feel how she wants to for as long as she wants to.

Now obviously, Rodney would never make Michelle justify her feelings or literally anything she does. He's previously told Michelle he's the "underdog" because he isn't the best looking or smartest guy in the house, but she assures him that she doesn't think he's an underdog and she likes that she can laugh with him. He obviously gets a rose.

Which is also when we get to hear Michelle deliver that "apple'outly" line. Who knew that not being able to tell apples apart could be the foundation to a new relationship.

A group date mostly to confirm Jamie is annoying

For the second group date, the guys are joined by spoken word poet and author Rudy Francisco, who tells them that they'll all need to write a poem to express some real emotions to Michelle.

Most of the guys take this very seriously and Michelle is pleasantly surprised at the poems that *most* of them come up. However, blink if you're a dumbass who isn't one of them because you can't follow simple instructions:

Jamie delivers what Brandon refers to as "a weird Ted Talk" in which he doesn't talk about himself or Michelle or their relationship, but instead, shares some made-up story about a lost girl, an angel and a rabbit. It's made even more bizarre by the fact that Jamie seems to think that he is totally killing it.

Michelle delivers the most insightful poem of the date, sharing what life was like growing up in a predominately white community as the "token Black girl" who was always picked last for dances, but first for basketball.

Um very sorry for the "Eternals" promo but it was huge and also perfectly describes how we will be watching this show for eternity. 

Later, during the evening portion of the date, we get plenty of interview clips of Jamie talking about how he's "not even competing" for a rose because he's just so far ahead of the competition, but omg guess he's been competing in the wrong competition because cutie Brandon gets the group date rose.

After this, Jamie, who thinks he is the most mature guy here, immediately runs off to tattle to a producer that he shouldn't even have to be going on these lame group dates anyway and it's ridiculous that he has to wait six weeks "to reach the end."

He then takes a sharp turn down Douchebag Lane and shit talks Michelle by saying she's acting like she's in "spring break mode" and questioning if she "should really be in that mode if she's looking for a husband." AND WOWWWW WE HAVE TO THROW THIS WHOLE MAN AWAY. I mean, his face is already pretty crumpled up, let's just crumple the rest of him up AND THROW HIM IN A TRASH CAN ON THE SUN.

Thankfully, the throwing away will be happening verrrrrry soon, but first...

Quick interjection

This is Romeo writing his poem during the group date and it seems a camera person is in love with him because the angle here. This looks like a scene from a Hallmark holiday movie about a young professor who returns to his small town to fall in love with a woman who continues to willingly watch and blog about a terrible reality dating show (Lacey Chabert would die for this role). 

He's a mathematician and to that I say that I'd like to see his digits because I've got some things for him to calculate (HEHEHEHE). 

Okay, back to business....

A truly beautiful Rose Ceremony

Just as I put it off in real life, we're not taking out the trash yet. We have to wait until it's overflowing and trust me, it will be soon because as Rick so eloquently points out, "When the pot gets stirred, the rat will be exposed." Not sure what pot he's been stirring that has a rat in it, but sure.

Before rat pot time, how about some cute, 6'8" Nayte time. He chats with Michelle first during the cocktail party and anyway, this is exactly what you say when Nayte asks you to run away with him.

They don't actually run away, per se, because Michelle is not a fool named Colton. They just relocate to a more secluded corner for making out. And because my opinion can very much sway the outcome of this show that wrapped months ago, I feel it necessary to again point out that I LOVE NAYTE. And this is about the only carefree, joyful conversation of the evening before we get back to bagging up this incredibly smelly Jamie trash. 

During Rick's intense eye time with Michelle, he reassures her that he's tight with most of the guys and knows none of them have been worried about the whole Joe thing. She then solves the two-episode long mystery of "who spread this lie about Michelle" by just telling Rick that it was Jamie who told her "all of the guys" were talking about it. 

This obviously gets Detective Rick's wheels spinning and he immediately shares this news with a few of the guys and they then call Jamie over to talk. Even though this is a still image, can't you just hear "See, what had happened was...."

I wouldn't even call what he does during this conversation "dancing around the truth" because the truth is nowhere to be found. He's dancing several countries and time zones away from the truth. But in summary:

Nayte: Why did you say this to Michelle?
Jamie: Because there were these conversations happening about Joe and it created this "character"
Nayte: Wtf who was having these conversations
Jamie: Well, me and also me and then there was also me. But also, I was not a part of any of those conversations, so I don't know what you're talking about
Nayte: If you don't know, then why did you say that to Michelle?
Jamie: Because I'm trying to make myself look good when these episodes air

I don't think the complete opposite of "good" has been demonstrated more on this show, ever, and that's saying a lot. But this is just a sneak peek. To reveal the Marianas Trench depth of Jamie's stupidity, we need some help from:

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Michelle gathers all of these circus peanuts and tells them that the biggest nut of all, Jamie, was the one who informed her of the "rumor." He immediately gets his wings going and starts bumbling about how he only told her that because he wanted to "protect her," but she quickly responds with "Buuuuuuut YOU created this drama around my character and YOU made up this story about Joe, soooo it doesn't seem like you're protecting me." And I'll let Nayte's face speak for all of us:

The guys ask if his intentions were so pure, why didn't he admit that he was the one who told Michelle? In response, he gets his bike out and backpedals, saying "Well well well, see see see, this issue was not about the individual" WHICH WTF THAT IS SUCH A BIZARRE ANSWER?? From this point on, it's like he's using Microsoft Word's synonym editor on every single word in real time to such an extent that it's all nonsensical. Just a bunch of random nouns and verbs. 

Eventually, Michelle asks him to stop saying every word he knows and to join her outside for a chat. He continues his stupid reasoning outside, leading Michelle to release the world's most patient deep breath:

While she doesn't punch him in the side of the head, which would've been fantastic, she does the next best thing — sends him home immediately (YESSSSSS). None of that "oh, let's see how things go" or "let's see what happens at the Rose Ceremony" like the Bachelor/Bachelorette so often does.

She does cancel the rest of the cocktail party though because she knows who she wants to give roses to and let's just skip to the good part — Will gets the last rose:

Which is of note because it means Little Caesar's Peter is sent home too!!! Jamie AND Peter in one night!! This is a real BOGO deal. Wow, the air feels so much fresher with all of the garbage taken out.

And that's it! I'm so relieved we won't have to suffer through another week with those two jokes of men. Almost as relieved as I'll be when I am released from having to watch this show. That day hasn't come yet, so see you next week! Til then, find me signing up for a dating app for mathematicians and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).