Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Pardeep, who got exponentially more screentime during the Men Tell All (3 minutes) as compared to when he was on the actual season (30 seconds, max):

His look of exhaustion accurately demonstrates how I felt throughout all 120 minutes of this "tell all" that aired an hour later than usual because some random boy band holiday special aired first. Ah yes, there's nothing more refreshing than having Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick as the opening act for this reunion.

Anyway, how frustrating do you think it must be for Pardeep, who is a neuroscientist, to be around men like Peter and Martin who collectively share maybe one insanely gelled brain cell at most. As you can imagine, there's a lot of stupidity ahead, so let's jump in!

Because enduring all of this once wasn't enough

We kick things off by reliving all of the petty arguments that transpired, beginning with Will and Peter. 

You probably remember Will for being really in love with that bomber jacket he won during the Top Gun group date and Peter for owning a pizzeria, having a receding hairline and for only speaking in phrases from 80s sitcoms. 

We learn that men are entirely too emotional because these two ding dongs are still feuding. When Peter is talking about his pizzeria and how it provides for his family, Will jumps in like "Speaking of your family...tell your sister to stay out of my DMs" and y'all, I screamed. A real Petty of Five.

Peter says that his pizzeria has received some terrible Yelp reviews lately and he feels certain that Will is behind them. The best part of this is that we get to see some of these hilarious negative reviews on the big screen.

"Also the owner is a cowardly child" HAHA, might as well sign the review "Love always, Will." Even though Will claims he "doesn't have time" to do such things, we all know these dumbass men have endless hours to dedicate to being stupid, so.

After all of this unbelievably ignorant back and forth, Peter has Will served with papers suing him for "defamation of character," while he's saying, "Rest in Pizza" and dear God, what's actually illegal here is how incredibly corny Peter is. 

He's not even a formidable villain, more like one of the bad guys from Rocky & Bullwinkle who was always getting one upped by a literal squirrel and moose.

At the end of the evening, Peter surprises everyone with pizza flown in from his pizzeria in Florida (sounds very fresh) and Will admits it's pretty good and they end up shaking hands and burying the hatchet. This actually makes a lot of sense since they're both children and there's nothing that brings children together like pizza.

This man has surely cheated on every woman he's ever been with

We can't do a show-and-tell of this season's trash without noting Martin! We learn that he and his 90s dye job had a girlfriend before coming on the show, but they "took a break" while he was on the show and now they're back together. Yeah so um, that's called having a girlfriend while you're on the show. This is not a Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" situation. 

Once Michelle joins the group, he semi-apologizes for being a dick, but lets her know that being on the show taught him that GASP women actually deserve to be treated like humans. He had no idea before, but now he has found his "soul mate" who he "treats like a queen." Congrats to this poor woman who gets to be with Martin who just learned that women should be respected. I'm sure the "Sundays are for the Boys" flag he has hanging in his living room is so romantic. Swoon.

Speaking of Michelle, interjection to say....

Can you believe Michelle had to date some of these men

Michelle, who has those brows and that face and such a kind and big heart, had to endure men like Martin for several weeks. Where is her medal. She really shouldn't have to like, pay taxes or something for life just based on the fact that she held back from throat punching some of these fools.

How much patience I have for Jamie

The final boss of this dumpster pile —Jamie — returns and reminds us that he continues to look both old and young at the same time. He reveals that he's no longer gaslighting. No no, he's reached a point beyond gaslighting where he just exists in a forest fire nonstop. He still can't admit that it was pretty terrible that he started the whole rumor about "everyone" questioning Michelle's character and then walked around like "Omg who started that rumor."

Casey perfectly summarizes Jamie by saying he's "Tony Robbins off camera, uplifting everyone, but shitty on camera, like when he said Michelle was acting like she was on spring break."

While we're all swimming in Jamie's word vomit, Rodney tries to offer a life raft by telling Jamie to just simply apologize so everyone can move on. But see, that's impossible because when Jamie hears questions about apples, he responds with answers about steak. Nothing makes sense here, not even that metaphor.

He claims everything bad he did on camera was misinterpreted because he was "venting," an excuse that holds about as much water as cotton candy and Michelle calls him out for it. 

Finally after an hour and 40 minutes of every single person in the studio and across the street and in the next state telling him to just accept responsibility and apologize, the half broken lightbulb in his brain flickers. He tells Michelle that he's sorry she "felt disrespected" and apologizes. 

To be clear, this man for sure still doesn't know what an "apology" is, but I'm sure he could feel that promo code for powdered supergreens slipping through his fingers. Gotta remember what's really at stake here, #swipeup!

Enough with rummaging through the trash let's get to...

The good ones

Rick and his natural eyeliner only have kind and sweet things to say about Michelle, including "she listens to understand, not to respond." His presence on stage is like a mist of Febreze after the Peter/Will/Martin/Jamie shit show. 

I mean, look how he lights up when Michelle comes onstage! 

I know I said I was initially creeped out by him, but turns out I'm really into being creeped out. Who knew. Please join us for our spring wedding where our first dance will be to Radiohead's "Creep."

And we of course can't talk about the good guys without mentioning our favorite Mayor of the Friend Zone:

Tayshia and Kaitlyn make Rodney relive the painful breakup that we watched last week, where he told Michelle it would take a while for him to get over her because.....he was in love with her. He's for sure still an active member of the Michelle Young fan club and I think he's the sweetest, so much so that I would love to date hi.....s friend, do you know if any of his friends are single.  

Now while I think Rick and Rodney (oh wow, where's the spin-off show for them) are great, there's one standout guy.....

Who should've been the next Bachelor

Besides the fact that he's dressed better than everyone, Olu emerged as one of the best guys in the bunch. When Kaitlyn asks Michelle who she maybe sent home too early, she says she wishes she would've had more time with Olu because he always had her best interests in mind. And he really did. He avoided drama for the most part and focused only on Michelle (and also on his abs routine, because wow). 

But, instead of giving us a fun Bachelor season with Olu, the show decided we needed a bland ol' flavorless oatmeal of a season from Clayton. The preview for his season confirms this and I remain absolutely baffled as to why he was chosen. But hey, I imagine we'll peel back the layers of his personality during his season to reveal oh wait, there are no layers, just one. This onion has one layer. 

And that's it! Or well, I'm not mentioning how the show made Tayshia address her recent breakup with Zac because that entire bit felt completely random and forced and wtf ABC, she had her reasons. If a man made me run a marathon, I'd dump his ass too.

See you next week for Fantasy Suites! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Hometown Dates)

Apologies for not posting last week, but I was booked and busy preparing to eat an entire turkey (if you're picturing that episode of Friends, yes I am Joey). But to summarize my thoughts on last week: MARTIN IS A DELUSIONAL TRASH ASS MAN WHO SHOULD LEAVE US ALONE FOREVER AND ALSO WE MUST DO WHAT WE CAN TO ENSURE OLU FINDS LOVE. That's all you missed reading.

It's hometown dates week! But they're taking place in Michelle's hometown, so this is a real hometown in a hometown date, which isn't that the premise for Inception (omg calm down, I know the premise of Inception is to showcase how hot Joseph Gordon Levitt got).

Let's jump in!

Portland, Minnesota with Brandon

Brandon, who I am obsessed with, is up first and he brings a bit of Portland to Minnesota by taking Michelle on a date at a skatepark because skating is something he grew up doing with his brother.

And sorry, but there is basically no date situation where I want to be wearing a helmet. Not because of the danger element likely associated with it, but because absolutely everyone looks like a child with a helmet on. Doesn't matter how hot you are, when you put a helmet on, you are Tommy Pickles.

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Anyway, after falling a bunch, Brandon gets Michelle on a skateboard because there's no one you want more to teach you how to skateboard than a man you just watched flop all over a skatepark.

Afterwards, they sit and chat and what I need to know is WHAT IS IN THAT PINK BOX??? DO YOU THINK ITS DONUTS???? CUPCAKES???? I NEED TO KNOW. 

Brandon lets Michelle know that introducing her to his family is a new thing because he's never brought someone home who he "cares about so much," which makes me ask, does that mean he's brought home plenty of girls who he doesn't care about?? If so, I would love to not be cared about??

Later, Michelle meets Brandon's parents and brother. 

Ahead of their arrival, Brandon's mom says it's odd that he's dating someone she hasn't met yet and if that's odd, then wow I guess my family is the Odd Family because I never subject my family to the cockatoos I date.

Brandon's hot brother, who btw is casually delaying entry into the Navy to be here because sometimes Uncle Sam calls but Uncle ABC calls louder, tells Michelle that he's concerned that she's dating 3 other guys.

Which yes, this is the regular thing that all family members on this show should always bring up first. Like, you're meeting your brother's girlfriend who has 3 other boyfriends, that is for sure the premise for a TLC show. But hot brother comes around because he can tell how much Brandon cares for Michelle, who tells him that she can 100% see herself with Brandon at the end of this. 

Both of Brandon's parents love Michelle (obviously), his dad especially who bonds with Michelle over fishing and basketball. 

They end the night how every hometown date is legally required to be concluded — by making out on a bench.

Brandon has expressed his feelings before, but he tells Michelle he's falling for her and she tells him she's also falling for him, making this our first (but not last) double fall of the week!

Gonna be honest, I'm now predicting Michelle picks Brandon. This prediction is a win-win for me in that if I'm right, my close personal friend Michelle gets true love with a sweet guy and if I'm wrong, my close personal friend me gets true love with hot Brandon.

Appletown (apparently), Minnesota with Rodney

Rodney, whose whole thing with Michelle is based on the apple costume he wore on night one (the strongest foundation for any relationship), tells Michelle that they'll be spending the day picking apples that are only grown in Minnesota called "first kiss" apples. And that's cute and all, but isn't this supposed to be about his hometown, which is Rancho Cucamonga? Shouldn't they actually be reenacting scenes from Bring It On?

Alas, there is no spirit stick, instead they frolic and pick apples and taste them with various dips (while blindfolded because this is also their thing??).

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During all of this, Michelle keeps saying how she can see Rodney being her "best friend," which oh hey can I show you this location on the map it's called the Friend Zone. Rodney is sweet, but he is truly the mayor of the Friend Zone. So when Michelle says she can see him as her "life partner," I assume she means partner in playing the board game, Life.

Later, Michelle gets to meet Rodney's mom and stepdad.

What do you think is in the gifts the Bachelorette/Bachelor always brings to these family meetings? Do you think it's just full of all the uneaten coot, accumulated throughout the season, because that doesn't sound disgusting at all to me, I am interested in a bag o'coot.

When Michelle talks with Rodney's mom, she tells her that she doesn't laugh with anyone else as hard as she laughs with Rodney.

His mom is like hehe that's great but um, you're dating 3 other dudes and there's a chance Rodney could have his heart broken. Michelle reassures her by saying if her flight was canceled and she was stuck in an airport for 5 hours, Rodney is someone she could picture getting through it with. Phew, you're welcome mom, don't you feel so much better.

Rodney's mom also shares her concerns with him and he tells her that he's falling in love and Michelle is "worth the risk," which wow I have a cavity because of how incredibly sweet that is.

During bench time, he tells her he's falling in love.

And she says she's falling in lo...aded mashed potatoes, jk, that actually would've been better because she just doesn't say anything in return. Not looking good for Rodney!

Actual Minnesota with Minnesota Joe

Joe is the only guy whose hometown date is in his actual hometown, so to kick things off, he brings Michelle to his high school (since she took him to hers before).

They walk around his enormous She's All That high school before he stops her near this ledge and tells her he's "always wanted to do this" but never had a girlfriend to do it with.

And I'm sorry, NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND?? JOE??? THIS MAN WITH THIS FACE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND??? This fact is actually what they should've teased in promos as "THE MOST DRAMATIC REVEAL YET."

To wrap up their time on Riverdale, Joe surprises Michelle with a prom because he never got to go to one (AGAIN, WHAT???) and she mentioned getting picked last for dances and he wants her to know she'll always be first with him (SERIOUSLY, THIS MAN, DID NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND??).

They take photos and dance to royalty-free music and most importantly, actually eat the snacks.

I need to know what production assistant decided that a bowl of PLAIN ASS LAYS was the best chip choice when there are perfectly good bags of Doritos available everywhere.

Later, Michelle meets Joe's parents, brother and sister-in-law.

We learn that there actually is someone who is quieter than Joe and that's his dad. They speak for about 1 minute before Joe asks his dad if he has any questions about it all AND HIS DAD SAYS NO and they sit in silence. 

Joe's mom, brother and sister-in-law all love Michelle because they can tell how excited he is to be with her and they can see that she pushes him to express himself more and share his feelings.

Michelle and Joe end the night on literally the same bench setup from Rodney's date and Joe tells Michelle he's falling in love with her and that she's "that special person" for him. She tells him she's falling in love too, making it 2/3 for the week.

Now obviously, I love Joe and it would be easiest for him to end up with Michelle since they already live in the same town and have so much in common. Buuuuuut, I'm still thinking Brandon has a slight edge.

Austin, Minnesota with Nayte

To share a little of his life in Austin with Michelle, Nayte takes her out paddle boarding because it's something he always does a few times a week.

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During this joint paddle board situation, Joe is like "I have balance, see" and in response, Michelle is like "you have a nice body" HAHAHA excuse me am I writing the lines for this show.

When they sit to chat, Nayte tells Michelle she'll be the FIRST woman he's introduced to his mom and stepdad (who are divorced now), so they'll likely be very protective over him. He says they've never seen him "head over heels for someone," before telling Michelle that he's crazy about her and falling in love with her, which Michelle says in return. Wow, not even saving it for bench time, this is unprecedented.

Later, it's time for the "he may not be ready for this" family meeting, which is required to happen every season.

Nayte's mom tells Michelle that she's worried he's being "swept up" because he's never been in a relationship that might end in marriage and she doesn't want him to feel pressure to get engaged. This doubt is put on full volume for us when Nayte admits to his mom that he's "not 100% there" right now for engagement BECAUSE HE'S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE. And like, I'm no relationship expert, but I'm pretty sure saying "I love you" for the first time shouldn't happen when you get engaged, but what do I know.

While Nayte's stepdad is happy to see him happy, he also doesn't think Nayte is ready for an engagement. 

So 3 out of 4 people here do not think Nayte is ready to get married — his mom, his stepdad and him. I'm not a mathematician (I'm just trying to date one, remember Romeo), but these odds don't seem the best.

Nayte talking with his stepdad about Michelle does spur a lot of emotions because they've never actually talked this deeply before. 

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Nayte tells his stepdad that when he has a family, he wants to be to them what his stepdad was to him and his stepdad says "you'll be better than me" AND WOWWWW LEMME GET THESE TEARS. They hug and then tell each other they love each other FOR THE FIRST TIME and sometimes this show is good, okay.

So great progress for Nayte's relationship with his stepdad, but not the best for his relationship with Michelle. Nonetheless, things conclude on what we've now learned is THEEEE bench for hometown dates:

They could've at least changed the lamps or something, I mean come on.

THE RETURN OF COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!!!!

After all of the hometown dates, Bri and Serena drop by to see how Michelle is dealing with juggling four boyfriends (it's tiring). They obviously all became best friends after suffering through Matt's season and hearing "thank you for sharing that" 1 billion times.

While I'd normally use this as an opportunity to scream that it's not too late for the show to give Bri her own Bachelorette season, I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend now, so anyways IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO GIVE BRI HER OWN SEASON, ABC!!

Not them lining up the guys from tallest to shortest

Let's all remember that Nayte is like 6'7", so Brandon isn't actually a short king, okay and actually they should swap Rodney and Brandon and wow this is a stupid thing to be talking about.

As expected (based on who she said she was falling in love with), Michelle gives roses to Brandon, Nayte and Joe, sadly sending home sweet Rodney. He departs like any sweet Mayor of the Friend Zone does, by kissing her hand:

And that's it! Honestly, this was probably the best final four and now, three, we've seen in a while. All such high quality guys who seem to genuinely care for Michelle. We'll see what happens in these last few episodes, but I'm still thinking she's going to pick Brandon.

See you next week when some of the trash we threw out returns for the Men Tell All! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).