Middle school seems to be those elusive years that everyone can relate to in the same way. And by "same way" I mean we were all ugly and socially awkward. But, now that I'm essentially that wise owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials, I have the knowledge necessary to educate middle school me. Here's some lessons that would've been nice to know:
1. Eyebrow waxing is completely fine.
Yes, middle-school Kristi, waxing through those bushy penguin eyebrows is completely fine. You will survive. They won't wax off your eye, or your hairline, or your ear. Nope, they stick right to the eyebrows. Don't wait to have this done at the end of your 8th grade year. No, no, do it as soon as those hedges start growing in. Your vision won't be as compromised, and you'll appreciate photos later.
As a note, I remember thinking after the first time I got my eyebrows waxed, "Do I look weird? I think I'm going to let them grow back in." I'M NOT LYING. Above is my school photo from 8th grade for proof.
2. Baggy shirts "half-tucked" into jeans/shorts are not fashionable.
3. "Skate shoes" are not cool if you don't need them for their actual purpose.
4. Middle School "relationships" do not count.
Don't even lie, you and your friends kept a count of how many "boyfriends" you had. Back in my day, relationships began like this:
--Sally tells her best friend Jenny that she likes Ben.
--Jenny talks to Ben's best friend Jason about Sally liking Ben, but she tells Jason NOT to tell Ben.
--Jason of course tells Ben.
--Ben decides if it's in his best social interest to have a girlfriend. This decision is reached by asking himself, "Does Sally have skate shoes?"
--Ben decides he likes Sally too, based solely on the notion that she likes him. He tells Jason.
--Jason tells Jenny (Sally's best friend, KEEP UP). But tell hers not to tell Sally. And also tells her that he just happened to find out.
--Jenny of course tells Sally.
--Sally and Ben then awkwardly exchange flirtations until Ben asks Sally out through Ben who asks through Jenny via smoke signals.
TRUE ROMANCE, YA'LL. Be grateful that I summarized in that short paragraph. I'm pretty sure scientific studies have been done on this middle school ritual.
5. Writing notes and folding them in intricate ways is the only skill you need to master.
I distinctly remember my friends and I making up nick-names for our "crushes" (Oh God, please judge me for just saying that) in the case that someone else found our notes. Which, even if someone did find our notes, they would spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the pandora's-box-folded note, that the content wouldn't even be worth it.
Notes were also a very important part of every middle school relationship. WHAT, YOUR "BOYFRIEND" DIDN'T WRITE YOU A NOTE BETWEEN THE PASSING PERIOD AND THE CURRENT CLASS YOU'RE IN. WITH HIM? Better break it off.
6. Don't buy a flute.
Oh, big surprise, I was in band. On the first day of class in 7th grade, we were asked what instrument we wanted to play. I chose the flute because it could easily fit in my locker (a regular Einstein, I tell ya). I continued on to Advanced Band in 8th grade, THAT'S RIGHT, ADVANCED. Don't even act like you're not impressed. At this point, I was a regular Ron Burgundy-Jazz Flutist, and figured I needed my own instrument. I did quite a bit of researching (via modem back then) and begged my parents for one, but never got one.
Let me just say, this was another instance where my parents decision was pretty on point. Let's just say 8th grade was the peak of my flutist days. I guess classical music will never know the beautiful stylings of my woodwind abilities (stop thinking of inappropriate jokes).
7. Don't stress anything academically.
Literally, the only thing I remember from middle school is that my Math teacher's name was "Marcia Garcia," to which I made a song about that went like this: "Marsha Garsha! Mar-see-uh Gar-see-uh!" I felt the need to spell out the pronunciation so you could see how witty I was.
And there you have it. I'm going to print this out now and send it to middle school me via the mailbox from that Sandra Bullock movie "The Lake House."
1. Eyebrow waxing is completely fine.
Yes, middle-school Kristi, waxing through those bushy penguin eyebrows is completely fine. You will survive. They won't wax off your eye, or your hairline, or your ear. Nope, they stick right to the eyebrows. Don't wait to have this done at the end of your 8th grade year. No, no, do it as soon as those hedges start growing in. Your vision won't be as compromised, and you'll appreciate photos later.
2. Baggy shirts "half-tucked" into jeans/shorts are not fashionable.
3. "Skate shoes" are not cool if you don't need them for their actual purpose.
Maybe this was just at my school, but everyone wanted Etnies, or DC, or Osiris shoes. Forget the brand name, the majority of them looked the same, complete with a hugely overstuffed tongue and untied laces. Which, now that I think about it, seems really unsafe for skateboarding. I don't quite know what the deal was with them, as these shoes weren't as univeral as I would says Vans are.
4. Middle School "relationships" do not count.
Don't even lie, you and your friends kept a count of how many "boyfriends" you had. Back in my day, relationships began like this:
--Sally tells her best friend Jenny that she likes Ben.
--Jenny talks to Ben's best friend Jason about Sally liking Ben, but she tells Jason NOT to tell Ben.
--Jason of course tells Ben.
--Ben decides if it's in his best social interest to have a girlfriend. This decision is reached by asking himself, "Does Sally have skate shoes?"
--Ben decides he likes Sally too, based solely on the notion that she likes him. He tells Jason.
--Jason tells Jenny (Sally's best friend, KEEP UP). But tell hers not to tell Sally. And also tells her that he just happened to find out.
--Jenny of course tells Sally.
--Sally and Ben then awkwardly exchange flirtations until Ben asks Sally out through Ben who asks through Jenny via smoke signals.
TRUE ROMANCE, YA'LL. Be grateful that I summarized in that short paragraph. I'm pretty sure scientific studies have been done on this middle school ritual.
5. Writing notes and folding them in intricate ways is the only skill you need to master.
I distinctly remember my friends and I making up nick-names for our "crushes" (Oh God, please judge me for just saying that) in the case that someone else found our notes. Which, even if someone did find our notes, they would spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the pandora's-box-folded note, that the content wouldn't even be worth it.
Notes were also a very important part of every middle school relationship. WHAT, YOUR "BOYFRIEND" DIDN'T WRITE YOU A NOTE BETWEEN THE PASSING PERIOD AND THE CURRENT CLASS YOU'RE IN. WITH HIM? Better break it off.
6. Don't buy a flute.
Oh, big surprise, I was in band. On the first day of class in 7th grade, we were asked what instrument we wanted to play. I chose the flute because it could easily fit in my locker (a regular Einstein, I tell ya). I continued on to Advanced Band in 8th grade, THAT'S RIGHT, ADVANCED. Don't even act like you're not impressed. At this point, I was a regular Ron Burgundy-Jazz Flutist, and figured I needed my own instrument. I did quite a bit of researching (via modem back then) and begged my parents for one, but never got one.
Let me just say, this was another instance where my parents decision was pretty on point. Let's just say 8th grade was the peak of my flutist days. I guess classical music will never know the beautiful stylings of my woodwind abilities (stop thinking of inappropriate jokes).
7. Don't stress anything academically.
Literally, the only thing I remember from middle school is that my Math teacher's name was "Marcia Garcia," to which I made a song about that went like this: "Marsha Garsha! Mar-see-uh Gar-see-uh!" I felt the need to spell out the pronunciation so you could see how witty I was.
And there you have it. I'm going to print this out now and send it to middle school me via the mailbox from that Sandra Bullock movie "The Lake House."
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