Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

I know it seems like I talk about the lack of eating/drinking all the time, but my dedicated efforts clearly paid off because this week's episode is brought to you by ERIC WHO ATE FROM A BOWL OF FRUIT DURING A DATE.

I'm sorry this isn't an action shot of him actually chewing the pineapple, but look at how he is lovingly staring at it. Nothing brought me greater satisfaction besides that time I popped a pimple and it literally disappeared before my eyes.

This week, Rachel brought the guys to Dallas to meet her fam, minus her dad who is a federal judge and obviously has no time for a ridic reality show.

Rachel's family loves Peter (shocker)
Honey Sticks is first to meet the fam and those hazel eyes set the bar pretty high. Before they head to her Texas-sized house, Rachel takes Peter baby clothes shopping because that never in the history of dating has made a man nervous after less than two months of "dating." Her sister is pregnant, so they buy some things for the new baby and her other nephew and anyway here's my reaction to seeing Peter shopping for baby clothes:

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As if he needed any help in making him appealing to her family, he shows up with flowers for her mom and baby clothes for her sister. What if her sister wasn't pregnant? What gift would he have brought? I know if I was her, I'd want a bouquet of chicken nuggets. Or some bacon roses. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D WANT BOTH. IT'S 2017 AND WOMEN HAVE RIGHTS.

After being the recipient of the last rose last week, he opens his eyes and finally tells Rachel that he's falling in love with her. Which, I mean, that isn't that big of an announcement in the grand scheme of things. Because, what does "falling" even mean. Is it a sliding scale? Like if a hot guy in a bar winks at me then sends over mozzarella sticks, I'd say I'm "falling in love." It kind of insinuates that "Hey, I could possibly be in love with you at some point or not, who knows which way I may fall." 

Anyway, this is what Rachel has been wanting to hear because our dear Peter has been keeping his emotions more guarded than the secret recipe to Olive Garden's breadsticks. 

He chats with her family and charms them, then has a more serious conversation with her mom. He tells her that he cares for Rachel and wants to continue a relationship with her after the show with the hopes of marriage, but that he's basically not ready to propose yet. Her mom appreciates this and the fact that it's the more realistic step toward a lasting relationship.

So at this point, Peter has charmed Rachel, her pregnant sister and her mom, who else is important may you ask? 

COPPER. COPPER RETURNED TO OUR LIVES. IT IS A DONE DEAL.

Eric('s beard) continues to woo my heart

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First let me say that as Eric's facial hair grows, so does my love for him. Don't believe me? This is what he looks like now:

I haven't seen a beard cause my emotions to swing that much since I got my own beard surgically removed when I was 15. Back to the point. Eric opens up to Rachel's family and plays that ol' broken record of how he's never been in a serious relationship or in love before. This show treats him like he's never had Pop-Tarts before, which I would honestly have a bigger issue with. Because how can one understand deep, meaningful love if they have not experienced a Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart? THEY CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED. 

Anyway, Rachel's cousins say that Eric is "really sweet and really sincere," which we all know is a one-way ticket to Friend Zone City. Her whole family seems to like Eric, but maybe not LIKE LIKE him for Rachel. This is very much the case with Rachel's sister Constance who is hesitant about him because of his lack of relationship experience and the fact that his longest relationship was 8 months.

But he doesn't let this deter him and eventually asks her mom for her permission to propose at the end of the show. Her mom provides an eloquent response but the gist of it is this: "I mean if Rachel chooses you, then like whatevs, sure."

Sleazy Bryan remains sleazy

Bryan first gets to meet Rachel's friends for "brunch," which actually just consists of mimosas (though many scientists agree that is the only component required for something to be considered brunch). He continues to ooze sleazy charm on them and it seems to work as they both tell Rachel they like him. Are these girls actually her friends? Because first off, this is how every close girlfriend should look when meeting a best friend's partner for the first time:

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YOU HAVE TO BE SKEPTICAL AS HELL. And not just because you've seen your best friend throw up at a bar then fall in it and think she smells fine. But rather, because you want the best for her! And not some sketch ass guy like Bryan who claims to have fallen for Rachel within a week. Which, speaking of, here's Constance's reaction to Bryan in general once he comes to meet the fam:

Constance has zero time for Bryan's BS. She tells Rachel that he lacks a sincerity factor and seems like too much of a charmer. Actually, all of Rachel's family is immediately turned off by his fake ass and they grill him during lunch, causing him to make this dumbass face:

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Rachel was kind of pissed at them for being so hard on him but like GIRL THAT'S WHAT FAMILY IS FOR. If not to scare the shit out of a potential suitor, then what? Anyway, Bryan still asked Rachel's mom permission to propose and she gave an even more disguised answer than Eric's: "I trust her judgment, so you have my blessing to build on your love" (Translation: If Rachel's dumbass chooses you, I will be very disappointed and also upset, but whatevs). 

And we're off to Spain for Fantasy Suites!

Y'all, that tiny ass suitcase is what Rachel brought for two weeks in Spain. TWO WEEKS. I need for ABC to show me how many bags she actually brought because this is clearly a lie. As a reference point, here's what I bring on a typical weekend trip:

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Eric is up first and they have dinner and fancy wine in what appears to be a Game of Thrones castle, which as it turns out, it is! Their date took place in the city where Dragonstone's scenes were filmed. Sadly, GoT wrapped filming in February and The Bachelorette didn't start til March, making timing the only reason why we won't see Rachel and the guys riding dragons.

Eric tells Rachel that Spain is the most romantic place he's ever been to, which like slow your roll. He's clearly never been first in line at Bojangles for breakfast to get some freshly baked Bo-Berry biscuits. That is one of the most wonderful things you will ever experience in your entire life. And also after because I've prayed on it and Jesus agrees.

Anyway, they chat about his meeting with her family and no one pays attention to these fluffy and perfect yeast rolls:

He then tells her that he's falling in love with her and she invites him to the Fantasy Suite. They retire for the night to I assume, watch a marathon of Freddie Prinze Jr. movies while lightly snacking on pancakes, meatball subs and truffle fries. Because if ABC has the gall to call it a "Fantasy Suite" those things sure as hell better be included.

Next up is Peter. Rachel takes him to some cave for a wine tasting with this precious old man who tells them he's been with his wife for 57 years, then proceeds to sing to them. 

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He gifts them their own private mini wine cellar stocked with wine. You know, just a regular, every day date. After checking out their locker of wine, they go outside to stomp grapes like an episode of "I Love Lucy."

I'm assuming these grapes were not made into wine because I don't know if I want to pay for wine made from make-out grapes. Not when there's a perfectly good bag of Franzia right here.

They take one of their wine locker bottles of wine to dinner where the deep discussion begins. In beating a dead horse, Peter reiterates that he is not ready to propose. There's nothing a girl loves hearing more, over and over again, than her boyfriend declaring he does not want to marry her. In response, Rachel reiterates that she wants a proposal at the end of this show. 

They're both not willing to compromise on their marriage thoughts and they sit in silence thinking "Wtf do we do now" before Rachel starts crying and then of course the episode ends. GASP. 

Will Rachel ask Peter to the Fantasy Suite? Will they sort out their marriage disagreement? Will my brain explode before this show ends? Find out next week!

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Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

Excuse the major delay in this week's thoughts, I was extremely busy dedicating some time to reintroducing my skin to sunlight.

This week's episode is brought to you by the countless drinks Rachel doesn't drink while chatting with the guys' families.

I don't actually understand why the producers make her have a drink in her hands at all times. Like the uneaten food, all I do is WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT. Sorry, DJ Khaled outburst. All I do is stare at these glasses that are sometimes filled with whiskey or wine that NO ONE EVER DRINKS OUT OF. Are they even real drinks? Does the production crew get to drink them? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Anyway, to the hometown dates.

Baltimore with Eric

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So Eric brought Rachel home to Baltimore while wearing this denim getup which I was unsure of at the beginning and also at the end and also in between that. But, he had this scruff situation going on which I think made me love him?

So before meeting his family, Rachel and Eric played a friendly game of one-on-one because there's nothing more you want to do while wearing skinny jeans and heels than play basketball.

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Have you ever exerted yourself while wearing skinny jeans? It's hot as hell. The pants create some sort of leg sauna, seemingly causing the jeans to melt into your skin. It's a difficult science to explain but let's just say my legs have absorbed many pairs of tight pants.

So they played basketball, then Eric brought Rachel to his aunt's place to meet his family. She chatted with his aunt and his mom and did not drink her drinks with either of them, and all in all it was a pretty sweet hometown date. His family was really welcoming and they all seemed to get along pretty great.

Before Rachel left, Eric told her that recently he's been thinking "I really love this girl" and followed that up by mansplaining "What I mean by that is I really care for you a lot." This is kind of confusing because is he saying he loves her or just cares for her? Does he like her or does he LIKE her? I AM STRESSED.

Miami with Bryan

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Bryan welcomed Rachel to Miami by clenching her head and performing CPR on her face. Full disclosure here: I do not like Bryan and to be honest this hometown date kind of confirmed that. Between what appear to be cheek implants and his kind of Disney villain eyebrows, I just don't get the best vibes. And not just because he needs his mom's approval for everything, but let's dive into that.

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During Rachel's chat with Bryan's mom Olga, in which she did not drink her drink, Olga told Rachel "If you do not make him happy, I will kill you." And while Rachel laughed uncomfortably, I'm 120% sure his mom means this. The whole meeting was a little odd. She also told Rachel that Bryan is her life and that by marrying him, she's marrying his family.

Also, before all of this, the whole family took tequila shots which is of course a great idea to do when you're meeting a guy's family for the first time. I personally am not allowed to partake in tequila shots because I will take my top off. Literally off one shot. To be honest, this would make for a pretty funny scene for the show. Chatting with the whole family while being topless and no one acknowledges it. NO ONE TAKE THIS IDEA.

Bryan also became the first guy to outright say "I love you" to Rachel. A declaration she couldn't return because duh, it's still a competition, and also because he then immediately ate her lips after saying it. 

Okay all of this aside, including the fact that Bryan's mom would like for him to never marry anyone ever, my biggest issue with the hometown date was Bryan's outfit.

Important to note that this is actually how Rachel greeted all of the guys. I've never ran into a guys arms and had him pick me up (while sober) but I can't imagine it would end well. Partially because I'm built like a bag of cement so if the sheer force of me running at him doesn't take him out, I'm pretty sure my huge calves squeezing his core would. Back to the point: Bryan's wearing some wack ass polo from the clearance rack at Express and some of those dumbass jogger pants with the elastic bottoms. What is the point of the elastic? And please don't say fashion. Are guys afraid that they'll eat so much that their ankles will expand? 

Bottom line: Bryan reminds me of Gaston from Beauty & The Beast and I constantly wonder if his cheeks will deflate if I poke them with a pin.

Madison with Peter

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THOSE DRINKS ARE LITERALLY PROPS. THEY DID NOT DRINK THEM. Peter brought Rachel home to good ol' Madison, Wisconsin and introduced her to four of his good friends. They sat around their full glasses and Peter told the group about how he "accidentally" grabbed Rachel's butt on their first date which is how every solid relationship starts if you ask me. When I see a guy I like, I mostly just walk around him sticking my butt out, waiting for it to be grabbed. Because little do men know that once you grab the butt, I grab your heart. OHHHHH DAMN.

Anyway, they also walked around the market and ate pickles and honey sticks, which is my new pet name for Peter. Then they headed to his parents house to meet the fam and his niece was there and he was an adorable uncle and blah blah you know my feelings on Honey Sticks.

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We then continued this dance of Peter saying he may not be ready to propose during the finale in a couple weeks. And his mom reiterated this to Rachel, saying he'll be ready to "commit to a future" but perhaps not a marriage right then.

Brace yourselves, I'm about to get critical of Prince Peter: WTF? Peter knew the premise of this show before coming on right? There have literally been 150 seasons, all of which end in the guys going ring shopping before proposing. This is not a surprise, like oh we're trying something new this season where we end it with an engagement! Bitch the show started with Rachel saying she's looking for a husband. She's not trying to be in some sort of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell situation. 

Anyway, despite all of this, Peter remains my number 1 and because you're wondering, here's what my angle would look like if I was a camera person on the show.

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Denver with Dean

Dean welcomed Rachel to Denver wearing what I can only describe as maroon yoga pants. I have to assume they're stretchy leggings because he wore them while they rode ATVs. I don't know about you, but I can't sneeze while wearing non-stretchy, tight pants without them exploding like the Hulk's shorts. 

So they rode ATVs, then sat in this field and had champagne, as one does in the middle of a field, and Dean explained he hadn't seen his dad in 2 years. And that he is now a converted Sikh who goes by the name Paramroop. Rachel asks what she should call him, to which Dean says, "Paramroop." So, that clears that up.

Walking up to his dad's house, Dean is noticeably nervous and keeps saying "This is going to be awful," which always makes a girl feel good ahead of meeting her boyfriend's family. Anyway, they get inside and exchange pleasantries and then Paramroop decides to "play" the gong for everyone.

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They then all eat some sort of mungbean food situation before Paramroop asks to speak with Dean alone. Dean and his dad chat and things turn sour pretty quick when Dean basically tells his dad that he wasn't there for him after his mom died. Paramroop doesn't wanna hear that and walks out of the house. Rachel then tries to talk to him for a bit and he starts to talk to her then seems to notice the cameras again and walks away.

Bottom line: Dean has serious unresolved issues with his dad, but his dad is like "the past is the past, let's eat this organic quinoa."

In the end, Rachel sends Dean home. And not even for when he said this:

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Rather, I'm pretty sure she decided to send him home after seeing that he did not know how to use a bubble umbrella correctly.

THE POINT OF A BUBBLE UMBRELLA IS TO HOLD IT LIKE A BUBBLE AROUND YOU. AINT NO REASON TO ANGLE IT, THAT LITERALLY LETS THE RAIN IN. WTF.

Poor Deaniebabies. I wish they showed a compilation video of "best of" clips like they do when someone is eliminated from American Idol. Set to some sadass song. ABC continues to ignore the countless letters I've sent with show suggestions, written out with cut out letters like a ransom note.

So we're down to 3! Peter, Eric and gross ass Bryan. Next week, the guys get to meet Rachel's family and I have faith that her mom will weed Bryan out (ironic, isn't it). 

See you then!

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's episode is brought to you by ALL OF THE DELICIOUS FOOD THAT WAS LEFT UNEATEN:

This was during the one group date, which began with Eric and the two white guys who work at Staples (Adam and Matt). Rachel eventually sent Matt home because she saw his two strands of hair blowing in the wind and realized she can't imagine helping him gel his combover. Then it came down to Adam and Eric and they sat at this nice table setting WHERE EVERYONE WAS GIVEN A PIECE OF CAKE. MOIST, DELICIOUS CAKE WITH STRAWBERRIES. Cake that despite its sacrifice to be featured as a treat, was not eaten. We will not forget you, cake.

This was even more infuriating. Rachel had an awkward as hell one-on-one date with Dean, aka deaniebabies on Instagram. The date mostly included her asking him serious, life questions and him responding by laughing or smiling or laugh smiling then ignoring the question to ask her instead what her favorite dinosaur is (I'm not making that up). Main takeaway of this date was they were served their own personal fondue with bread and other dippable carbs AND THEY ATE NONE OF IT. NONE. NONE OF THAT GOOEY CHEESE OR SOFT BREAD WAS EATEN. And you may be thinking, but Kristi, how do you know that? Bitch, this isn't my first rodeo. Anyone who has been to The Melting Pot knows that cheese drips all over the sides of the pot and shit. And it's glorious and amazing. AND RACHEL AND DEAN DID NOT PARTAKE. To be honest, I considered dropping the show on the spot, because I found this...grating. Honestly, you have got to...brie kidding me. They've really been...stringing me along. There's a real...wedge between us. I'm done wasting my cheesy jokes on this topic.

Leading man of the week/my life:

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Necessary to point out that Prince Peter got the first one-on-one date and now the last. Just for reference, this continues to be my reaction to both his face and voice and body and general existence:

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For their date, Rachel took him dog sledding in The Alps in absolutely freezing weather. Because if there's anything I want my potential husband to see, it's frozen snot on my face. Though, kudos to my girl for realizing they would need to stay close for you know, warmth and all. A key fact we learned is that even in freezing temperatures, Peter still melts my heart faster than butter on a hot biscuit.

ABC did that misleading promo shit again by featuring a clip of him saying "...and she has tears streaming down her face and it's because of me" before cutting to a clip of Rachel crying. WHEN IN REALITY NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. In actuality, during the "serious" portion of their date, Peter explained his last serious relationship and mentioned how when they broke up and he left, his ex was crying because dear God who would not cry forever about losing this silver fox. I'm not advocating children fixing anything but I would not be above entrapping Peter with a baby. You are not shocked by this revelation. I mean I can't be mindblowingly beautiful and intelligent AND have strong morals. 

Anyway, he was truthful with Rachel and essentially told her that he's on his way to being ready for marriage but at the moment he's not there. Which, like okay boo, take your time. We will wait like Rapunzel for decades until you're reading to climb up this braided ponytail. Rachel obviously gave him a rose.

BREAKING: I'm not a fan of Bryan

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For their one-on-one, Rachel took Bryan to a Breitlings watch store where the man working was literally wearing rubber gloves to handle the watches as if they were Rose's necklace from Titanic. They tried on a bunch, then Rachel "bought" one for Bryan (read: ABC did). He then thanked her by squeezing her ears and eating her lips. Which is actually what he does about 96.5% of the time they're together.

Which, in a shocking turn of events, we learn that Bryan's last relationship began "really hot and heavy" and then basically his mom did not get along with the girl and it "fizzled out." Translation: Bryan is a horndog who wants to sex you up, but once his mommy says no, you gots to go. Rachel kept asking how he was this 37-year-old, successful guy and still single. So, anyway, now we know why and also that his mom is in charge of his Tinder swiping.

So it's back to working at the mall I guess

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Because everyone was included in either a one-on-one or the group date (of 3 guys), Adam had to receive some screentime by default. This is honestly the most I've heard from him since he showed up Week 1 with this creepy ass doll:

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And I don't want to dig up the past, but hand me that shovel. What the hell was she thinking keeping this guy around for so long? During their alone time, he proceeded to give this longass spiel about how "a part" of him was falling for her and he was ready for marriage and blah blah blah. I don't actually know how he managed to fall for Rachel when he talked to her for a combined total of 3 minutes over the past 6 weeks, but hey, who am I to judge. I'm in love with Zac Efron despite the fact he continues to "act." Love is a weird thing.

He continued to talk a lot, most of which I missed because he is one of those people who has spit accumulate in the corners of his mouth. You know exactly what I'm describing. I don't know if this is caused by too many teeth or too much dairy or what, but it's distracting. Also, he apparently thought everything was going swimmingly as he told Rachel, "I feel like tonight is the cherry on top of everything I've built up." Uh, everything he's built up? Is this alleged building made of clouds? Seemingly there but when you touch them POOF. 

Rachel swatted his cherry away and eventually sent him home, to which he said, "I don't want you to feel like, what if I kept Adam around? Would it be different?" This moment earned Rachel her Emmy because she held back from cackling in his face. And while The Bachelorette doesn't accept my recommendations for what Rachel should say to these troll guys, this would've been more applicable to the entire Adam ordeal:

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I don't mean to lash out, but

My roommate Monica, who I have subjected to this entire season because torture can be lonely, pointed out Rachel's insane lashes. Now, y'all know I love Rachel. But how does she even manage to keep her eyes open with these bird wings on? How much of her vision is compromised? I mean, aside from the fact that she can use them to dust her computer's keyboard, what other purpose do they serve?

Anyway, onward to hometown dates! With our final four: Peter, Dean, Eric and Bryan. While I would like for Bryan to go next, promos make it seem like there's drama with him and Rachel in the next episode, and as we've learned, ABC lies to us. So, sadly, I think Eric will be next to go and we'll be left with Bryan's burning desire to eat Rachel's face.

Making a bold (not really) prediction that it'll be Peter and Dean in the finale. And I need for you to understand that if Peter does not make it to the finale, I will burn this place down. 

See you next week!