Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by my surprise special appearance:

I was looking for some trash and found the mecca of it on this show.

"I can tell that Eric is honest in a relationship"
OH CASSANDRA, GIRL NO. We start this week by diving right into the bullshit with Eric, who if we may recall, decided to go on a date with Cassandra despite having just told Angela that he would not go on dates with anyone else.

The only thing I remember from their date is this scene where they are apparently sitting on high school football stadium bleachers while drinking beer out of wicker koozies.

Eric tells Cassandra that he and Angela had a "connection" but that she wants to take things slow, HOW DARE SHE, while he "needs love." Y'all, Eric is definitely a "Hey, u up" texter. 

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Cassandra confronts Eric after she learns what he said to Angela about not dating anyone else. And Eric gets back on his bullshit, telling her that he didn't feel "connected" to Angela (EVEN THOUGH 2 MINUTES AGO HE SAID HE HAD A CONNECTION WITH HER) and that "today is a different day."

He then tries to shift the blame for his dumbass behavior ONTO ANGELA by saying that he doesn't even think she likes him and he came here looking for a relationship. He thinks he has been honest and maybe Angela took things out of context to which Cassandra says "Well, maybe how she took it was you said you wouldn't go on any other dates because that's exactly what you said."

And this is Cassandra's face during this entire conversation:

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Eric ultimately gives a rose to Cassandra because he finds her "refreshing" (read: NEW). But wait! We aren't done taking crazy pills!

After some reflection, Eric realizes that he can't have his cake and eat it too because his cake, Angela, has left. He says that he wanted "the Angela situation to work so bad" and that her leaving hit him so hard. UMMM YOU SENT HER HOME. YOU, ERIC. What the actual hell. This would be like if I went to Red Lobster and crumbled all of the cheddar bay biscuits onto the floor then yelled OH MY GOD I WISH I HAD CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS THAT WEREN'T CRUMBLED ON THE FLOOR. 

Anyway, we finally get off this hamster wheel of Eric's lies when he decides to leave BECAUSE ANGELA LEFT. WHICH AGAIN, ANGELA DID NOT LEAVE, ERIC SENT HER HOME. I have to move on because I don't want to use my quota of caps lock on this one section.

Totally unplanned part where Colton "decides" to leave

As you've likely heard, closed-mouth kisser Colton has been named the next Bachelor because ABC is really environmentally conscious and loves to recycle these white dudes. But ahead of that, he of course needed to leave Paradise.

The build up for the season finale of "Colton's Creek" begins with a series of clips of Tia saying how sure she is of hers and Colton's relationship and how she appreciates how honest he is. While this is happening, Colton is deep in thought as if someone has asked him what 200 divided by macaroni is. 

He finally pulls her away to one of those gross beach beds to tell her that he really wanted their relationship to work but that it feels like he's forcing it. And he essentially cannot see a future with her because I mean, did she honestly think he was gonna leave for The Bachelor still dating her?

And y'all, Tia is clearly blindsided and just weeping. They both cry and he apologizes and then both of them decide to leave because they only came on this trash fire experience to try to build a relationship with each other. Tia quite literally leaves straight from the beach. Doesn't grab any bags, just leaves with her bathing suit, sandy shorts and a pineapple bun. 

I'm also about 105% positive that the producers approached Colton ahead of BIP to tell him that he needed to put in effort with Tia for the cameras then dump her dramatically to become the Bachelor. I am POSITIVE they planned this and its horrible for Tia.

Kevin and Astrid remain the only pure thing on this show

They finally get a date card where they get away for a bit to completely ignore this perfect lobster tail.

Both of them admit they're in love, which has to stem from the fact that they have realized they are the two most sane people on the show.

In which Kamil chooses "the blonde girl"

Shushanna (Shush for short) is one of our newest arrivals this week and sets her sights on Kamil.

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She chooses him for a date which is actually a double date with other new arrival Christen, who chooses John because he's rich. I mean rich and hot. I mean nice.

Wait, quick note about Christen.

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She was on stale marshmallow Nick Viall's season of The Bachelor where she earned the nickname "Scallop Fingers." I had to look this up because I did not go down with that ship of a season. Apparently one night after dinner, she got a to-go box of scallops and proceeded to eat them with her hands in the car before touching other people with said smelly fingers. Meaning this is a literal nickname. For some reason it absolutely cracks me up. I mostly included this gif because I thought the nickname meant she had fingers that looked like scallops which would've been terrifying.

Anyway, this double date has about as many sparks as a wet match. They ride on a banana boat and it seems like Shush would rather be getting a root canal while having glitter thrown in her eyes:

But back at the villa, Annaliese doesn't know this and is freaking out. She says it's her "literal" Paradise nightmare if Kamil comes back and doesn't want her. This is wrong on so many levels, because I think it'd be much worse to, I don't know, be attacked by a shark. Or have a fish swim into your swimsuit. Or have way too many chips compared to how much guacamole you have. My point is Annaliese is dramatic as hell and has clearly never been faced with a Costco-sized bag of tortilla chips complemented by a snack-sized container of guacamole.

Her worries end up being pointless as Kamil returns and tells her that he had no chemistry with Shushanna and still wants to be with her.

And I can't stop laughing because Shushanna refuses to call Annaliese by name, opting instead to call her "the blonde girl." 

The thing that convinces Shushanna to keep trying

Ashley and Jared return to BIP so he can surprise her with a proposal on the very same beach they met at. Also where she crazily longed after him until he finally gave in.

All I want to talk about is how logistically confusing it was for Ashley to wear STILETTOS on the beach. 

Anyway, Ashley going on about how she was obsessed with Jared and it ended up working out for them only fuels Shushanna's burning love for Kamil. Even after New Zealand Jordan arrives and saves Shushanna's ass by giving her a rose, she can't let go. 

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Which, Kiwi Jordan is so sweet! He really tries to get to know Shush and wants to use his date card on her, but she turns him down because she's still "figuring things out" after Kamil. Y'ALL. She spent maybe 3 hours with Kamil. I've spent longer amounts of time trying on jeans at H&M. So he takes out Cassandra instead, who is newly single after escaping crazytown with Eric. 

Shush then continues her PLEASE LOVE ME CAMPAIGN with Kamil. She pulls him aside to talk AGAIN, even though he's made it clear he's not interested. Here is how their conversation goes:

Kamil: You're beautiful and a great girl, but I like Annaliese and there is no future for you and I

Shush: So you're saying there's a chance

Kamil: What, no, def not

Shush: Yeah but things can change

Kamil: No no, I am 200% sure we will never happen

Shush: I don't believe you

In the interview after, she says that she and Kamil will "probably" end up together. YOU GUYS. She actually thinks that Kamil is playing hard to get. Someone really needs to tell her that there's a difference between "hard to get " and:

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Annaliese tries to prove she's tough

So after watching Shush continually go after Kamil, Annaliese decides it's finally time for her to put her foot down. She confronts Shush and by "confronts" I mean she goes over to her with a shaky voice and you can tell the only thing Annaliese has ever confronted is a mustard bottle for squirting that weird liquid on her sandwich. Shush shares her delusions about Kamil, saying that he tried to kiss her on their date. To which Annaliese is like nah girl I have the receipts and he didn't. 

After more back and forth, Annaliese realizes that she doesn't actually know how to confront someone and decides to pull out her best 4th grade insult. She tells Shush that everyone thinks she's a witch. A WITCH. Because she sometimes stares at Kamil. And look, if staring at a man makes you a witch then y'all better get ready to see me fly away on a broomstick out of a Shawn Mendes concert.

Anyway, Annaliese returns to the group acting like she's hot shit while Shush drinks this XXXL margarita so who really won this battle, ya heard:

"All I want is love because I'm fucking single"

Delusions about Kamil aside, Shush is actually one of the most gorg girls on the show. I kind of feel bad for her because being called a witch when "Sabrina the Teenage" doesn't precede it is downright hurtful. Like, call someone a bitch. Call someone a sandwich. But a witch? Come on. Also, I forget who says it, but here are the reasons why the group thinks Shush is a witch:

1) She stares at Kamil

2) She's cried 6 times

SO SHE STARED AT A HOT GUY AND THEN CRIED A BUNCH. Again, if that makes you a witch then I was a witch in 5th grade when I saw Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.

Anyway, back on this emotional rollercoaster with Shush. She finally accepts that Kamil does not want her and that hey, maybe she blew her chance with Kiwi Jordan who genuinely wanted to get to know her. And also, she wants to be sure that you know:

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When Jordan returns from his date with Cassandra, Shush tries to win him over but he's now moved on and makes it clear that he would like to get to know Cassandra more. Which prompts Shush to start crying while saying it's "unfair." To recap: Kiwi Jordan asked Shush out first, and she said no. SHE SAID NO. But she now thinks it's unfair that Jordan doesn't want her anymore. She proceeds to run away to a dirty beach bed, bravely deciding it's a good idea to put her face on these pillows that have likely been through some things.

I am screaming. I cannot stand this show. It's like every other person is taking a loaf of banana bread and tossing it in the ocean then complaining about how they wish they had banana bread. I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Oh, two kookaburras go on a date

Chandler's crazy roommate Eddie gets to take Krystal on a date, but more importantly, finally gets to wear this shirt made exclusively from children's daycare wallpaper:

They both think they're the luckiest to have found each other and um okay sure let's give them that. Right as Chris is about to tell Krystal he is in love with her, I decide to appear because I figured there'd be food that no one was eating:

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And since this show is a part of the Bachelor universe, we can't go through an entire season without featuring some random white singer who none of us have heard of but the couple pretends to love! Chris and Krystal end their date by listening to this K-Mart knockoff of [enter name of any emo white dude here].

Diggy's here!

I forgot how cute I thought he was on Rachel's season.

He takes Olivia on a date and she admits that she was hoping to meet him in Paradise. They seem to hit it off and I think it's safe to say she won't be....Venmo'ing.....her love. HAHA you guys I'm hilarious.

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They share this cute reverse version of a She's All That scene (I am not sorry for bringing up that movie twice in this post) and I think they're adorable.

And that's it! Before you say anything, yes I did skip over Jade & Tanner and Carly & Evan's return and Kendall and Joe having to take care of babies. I am still creeped out by Evan for reasons I can't put a scallop finger on.

See you all next week for the finale (THANK G)! Til then, find me trying on rompers while repeatedly asking "Do I look stupid" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).