Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by nice girl Cassie and former-Aussie Bri demonstrating what I would do for the entirety of the show if I were granted the distinct honor:

Carb loading every morning and liquid carb loading every evening. The dream.

PEARL, I SEE YOU
Remember super tall audience member lady from last week:

SHE'S BACK AGAIN!!! I guess she's some sort of permanent Bachelor background person. Here she is in the audience during the first group date at this theater:

I'm dying. I've decided I'm going to call her Pearl because it rhymes with "girl," therefore making it sound better when I say "GIRL, THAT'S PEARL."

Anyway, Colton and 45 of the ladies head to a theater where Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman are waiting to let them know that each of them has to come up with a "first time" story to share in front of Pearl's audience. FYI the whole "first time" thing is playing on the fact that Colton is a virgin (DID YOU KNOW), which we are reminded of approximately 16 times just in the intro.

And here's the thing. In your life, there are plenty of things you do for the "first time." Like, the first time you ride a bike. Or the first time you finish a rotisserie chicken alone from Wal-Mart. There are so many options. So anyway of course Colton shares the first time he told one of his teammates he was a virgin, WHICH OMG DID YOU KNOW COLTON IS A VIRGIN.

Wow look at this extremely brave man. And while we're on the topic of bravery...

Being 31, such a brave thing
This week I learned that making it to the ripe old age of 31 is something to be applauded for. During their one-on-one time, Ginger, I mean Elyse, tells Colton that she is GASP 31. Like omg, how did she even get onto the show, aren't her Social Security payments at risk. Also, the women who don't have to pay an extra fee to rent a car are referred to as "cougars," which, what the actual fuck. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here in my coffin looking stupid being 31 and what not.

Can y'all help figure out who she looks like? Thanks to Lea for pointing out Marcia Cross and I'm thinking maybe a dash of Kate Walsh too? But also maybe Mean Girls-era Lindsay Lohan? Am I just naming red haired celebs?

Whoever she looks like, her bravery pays off and she ends up getting the group date rose. More on the drama from that hot mess date later.

The recipe for all Bachelor dates
Miss Alabama gets the first one-on-one date (on her birthday!) because Colton thinks he "has a lot in common" with her, aka, he thinks she's hot. He also tells her he likes her teeth and eyes which is totally normal and doesn't sound like he wants to make a coat out of her at all. Very normal.

Here are the steps for any standard Bachelor date, the components of which are captured in this artistic shot that I've numbered for referencing:

1. Filler activity to get us to the date site. This is usually: riding on a boat for 5 minutes or riding in a "cool car" which is the exact same thing as riding in a normal car or riding horses. Which, I'm gonna need everyone to stop holding hands while riding horses. Like, not only does it seem dangerous but mostly, you look dumb.

Exhibit A of looking dumb while holding hands and riding horses:

2.  Next is a super deep conversation while sitting on a furniture setup from Pier 1:

3. And then we get to the hot tub of course.

No matter where the date takes place - it could be the surface of the sun or inside a shark - there will be a hot tub. Do you think the show just carts around the same hot tub to all of these different locations each season? Or do you think they had to burn the last one after Arie? This particular portion of Colton and Hannah's date had me wishing it was a Hot Tub Time Machine so I could fast forward to a place where this wasn't happening. Y'all. This was so awkward I felt it to my core. Mostly because Hannah is coming off like she's never.....spoken to a human before.

4. And the last part of this Bachelor recipe for dates is dinner that no one eats PLUS fireworks.

I know the show doesn't want them eating on camera because the mics will pick up the sounds of chewing (which didn't stop Arie's nasty ass from smacking some pasta), but at this point the date is more dead than Lindsay Lohan's career so maybe we should just get some closeups of THAT BIG ASS PIECE OF SALMON. DO YOU THINK IT WAS COOKED IN BUTTER? GARLIC? ARE THERE MASHED POTATOES UNDER IT? THIS SHOW CONTINUES TO MAKE ME FEEL UNSETTLED BY NOT KNOWING.

I'm not showing the fireworks portion because this isn't an Instagram story on the Fourth of July.

Hello crazy pants
Thank goodness Demi finally let her full crazy out. I bet she was exhausted holding it in for a whole week. She does three controversial things this week:

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE JUST WALKED RIGHT UP TO COLTON AND KISSED HIM

This happens during the group date. I don't even remember how her "first time" story begins, for all I know it was something like "Chicken, chair, bippity boppity." She eventually says "I GO AFTER WHAT I WANT" and storms offstage to grab Colton's head. But she's just warming up the kookoo!

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE TOUCHED THE GROUP DATE ROSE, HOW DARE SHE, THAT IS SUCH A SACRED THING.

I could not stop laughing at the shots ABC pieced together of the women reacting like Demi waltzed into the Louvre and rubbed peanut butter all over the Mona Lisa. It grinds Tracy's gears who just cannot forgive Demi for having the AUDACITY to touch the group date rose, which is sacred and only meant for one of the 350 women on this date.

Can't you just hear her saying "HOW DARE SHE." But wait, we're not off this crazy train.

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE GAVE COLTON A REALLY BAD MASSAGE

During the cocktail party, she steals Colton away from Tracy, who by the way, Colton is not interested in. He is literally in the middle of asking Tracy "So, what's your dating history been like" when Demi interrupts and I have never seen someone jump up so quick. I'm shocked he didn't put his hand in Tracy's face while saying "YEAH LET'S GO DEMI!"

Demi then takes him upstairs and the show wants us to believe she's going to try something sexual, when in reality, she proceeds to give him the least sexual massage in the history of massages. It looks wildly awkward - him in a really tight button down and her oddly sitting next to him doing what I can only call "pawing" at his back. This is the least sexual a room has ever been.

Nonetheless, this upsets the ladies, mostly Tracy, who is still reeling from Demi defiling the group date rose. Let's stay on the topic of Tracy....

"I look like this insanely emotional girl." Omg, no why would you think that

After Demi interrupts them, Tracy decides the best way to respond is to run upstairs and cry in front of a fan (a literal fan). Which is upsetting because nothing makes me sadder than seeing the room these women live in. It's one big room with 800 bunk beds. And real talk, how much hair do you think is all over that house. Horrifying. Anyway, while Tracy is crying, the girls tell Demi and she proceeds to go upstairs to not comfort her at all. Here's their conversation:

Tracy (crying): I just didn't get to talk to him and I don't think what you did was very nice
Demi: Haha what, you're a great storyteller

During all of this she is drinking what can only be described as 14 limes in a glass.

What kind of sociopath drinks a glass of limes and one slice of orange? This show is riveting.

Okay we get it, he showers

Does Colton have some sort of weird contractual agreement to be shown showering each week? It's like there was a rumor floating around that he doesn't shower and this is his way of debunking that.

The other group date
A quick summary: It's camp themed and Billy Eichner is there and the ladies participate in some dumbass games including smoking eggs:

The team of ladies that wins gets to stay overnight at the campsite with Colton while the other ladies have to return to the million dollar house that is full of wine and snacks and soft robes. How terrible.

Of course they were roommates

During this second group date, ABC sets us up for some future drama when we learn Miss Alabama and Miss North Carolina were roommates at the Miss USA pageant. And Alabama has some residual anger toward North Carolina because we are apparently in some less funny version of "Miss Congeniality." They had some sort of falling out and to summarize: Alabama is now obsessed with Carolina. She insinuates she knows some less-than-savory stuff about her, which I'm going to assume is something like she uses CVS brand mascara or sometimes wears her hair in a ponytail 3 times a week.

I'm still a fan of Chrissy Teigen lookalike Caelynn who cements her status as smartest woman in the house by hiding hers and Colton's mouths while they kiss because she knows we don't wanna see that shit.

While on the topic of kissing...

Please don't let Colton be your first kiss
Heather, whose profession is "Never Been Kissed," looks like a character straight out of a 90s teen rom-com. And this week I finally realized who her creators were:

With some encouragement from Cassie (who I love), Heather decides to tell Colton that she has one-upped his virgin status by never having kissed anyone. He responds by being like "cool" and ends up giving her the group date rose.

Also want to note that Heather and Cassie look like they could be in an alternative-Lilith Fair-type acoustic duo and anyway here's their album cover that I have expertly designed:

I'm gonna go ahead and predict that Heather has her first kiss with Colton, which is terrible not only because it's happening on a ridiculous show but also BECAUSE COLTON IS A HORRIBLE KISSER. Although, maybe it's good because every kiss from that point on will be amazing? What I'm mostly saying here is can Colton please stop kissing in general.

This is getting old

While Knicks dancer Sydney is talking to Colton, Onyeka interrupts with a foghorn because she seems to have a collection of noise makers. And y'all, I'm conditioned to like loud noises because I've had to be around me for 31 years, but this is too much. Sydney begrudgingly leaves, but then realizes she's not a B-sian she's an A-sian and has to redeem her time. She comes out banging some pans and this entire situation is petty and really loud, but ultimately pays off because they both get roses.

And that's it! I don't even remember who went home because there's still like 80 women left. But my favorites remain Chrissy Teigen, Nice Cassie, 90s Heather and Knicks Dancer Sydney.

See you next week! Til then, find me yelling at my mom to make me fried chicken and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).