Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah looking like the mean popular girl at prom from every 90s teen movie:

I have a feeling she's about to tell Rachel Leigh Cook she was just a bet between Freddie Prinze Jr. and Paul Walker. Then break out into a choreographed Fatboy Slim dance.

We've made it to the Men Tell All! Aka the week when they bring back 400 guys we don't remember. But before we jump into that, we endure one last Rose Ceremony with this recurring rash named Luke.

"I'm about to go psycho"
As we all remember, except for Luke who was actually there for it, Hannah sent Luke home last week. But like any shitty dude, he decides no one chooses when he goes home except for him. So he shows up at the Rose Ceremony like that moldy slice of pizza you SWORE you got rid of:

Shoutout to that insert of a woman who I assume is named Kathy reacting for all of us. All of the other guys are unaware Hannah sent him home early, so they think the presence of this long-term zit is totally normal. Obviously Hannah saying "WTF" tips them off that he shouldn't be here.

He says he's "not through," as if we're at a restaurant and the waiter is trying to take away his half-eaten raw steak (I bet he likes his steak freshly cut off the cow with a lighter ran over it). He tells Hannah he's here for clarity and isn't leaving without closure. In response, Hannah moves the rose holder thing (is there an official term) to block him out:

I cannot express how much I have hated seeing his short ass in oversized suits for 11 weeks. Like, most dudes look better in suits but he looks exponentially worse. I guess it's hard to stuff so much ignorance into such flimsy material though. Anyway, Hannah continues to "SHOO" him until finally the other ducks are like, hey this duck isn't in our flock anymore:

A summary of the conversation that occurs:

Hannah (looking Luke in the eyes): I have complete clarity and no regrets and no feelings for you
Luke: All I need for you to do is look me in the eyes and say you have complete clarity and no regrets and no feelings for me
Hannah: :/

He finally leaves when she repeats herself for the 89th time. I hope he kept the tags on that suit he bought from the Big & Tall store, thinking he'd grow into it. But with that, our Luke rash has finally cleared up!

His annoying presence is only replaced by Jed taking credit for his departure by saying "She heard me about him" as if Hannah needed Jed's big ass head to show her the way. If anything that giant noggin blocks the way.

And the actual episode ends with our final 3:

Herpes is with you for life

We spend approx 2/3 of the "Tell All" portion on Luke because the men have a lot to tell. Beginning with Luke, sans flesh-colored beard, who is here to clear some things up. And by "clear things up" I mean "muddle this sewage dump even more." Before we dive in, I want to point out that when he speaks, it looks like he's being dubbed over and the audio is slightly off. Like his mouth is moving when words aren't coming out. Because of this, I bet he tells people he's multilingual. He's also bad at forming sentences that make actual sense. Most of the time, it sounds like he's piecing together random nouns and verbs.

During his chat with Chris Harrison, he proves he's not obsessed with sex by using the words "mount" and "straddle" while describing Hannah's actions with some of the guys. Wow, I can't believe she didn't choose this Prince Charming.

A summary of his main points:

Luke: If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't change a thing. Also, I came onto this show on a rescue mission for Hannah.
Chris Harrison: Wait what
Luke: I DID MAKE MISTAKES AND WOULD CHANGE THINGS. ALSO, I DON'T THINK I CAME ON THE SHOW TO "RESCUE" HANNAH, YOU ARE MISCONSTRUING ME.

At one point, one of the dudes asks "Do you just want a woman you can put in a glass case to pull down when you want?" leading Luke to make this face while strongly considering the possibilities:

"Do they make glass cases big enough?" is what I assume he's mulling over because that is UNDOUBTEDLY what he wants. After 4 hours, he finally realizes, oh wait I should pretend to be a human man and says "No, I.....don't want that."

Speaking of the other guys, most of them are here to shit on Luke which sounds mean but is necessary and anyway here are my favorite insults:

"Your future wife is gonna be a prisoner" - Hot Mike
"I respect you for being here, but also fuck you" - Vocal Fry Connor

Continuing on the topic of the guys...

Who are most of these men

I hate these "Tell All" episodes because they bring back dudes we saw for 3 minutes in maybe 2 episodes. Like, those dodos have nothing to tell because they barely got to see the title sequence of the show.

Particularly this guy, WHO THE HELL IS THIS???

I have never seen that man in my life. I assume his name is Chad and he is a "club promoter."

We're gonna need a ladder

Because Garrett is high as hell. He looks like he smoked a shit ton of weed while in a sauna hanging upside down. That or he has a SEVERE case of pink eye in both eyes. Man, being a golf pro really is a dangerous sport.

Things I enjoy

Is Mike a 0.38mm tip pen because HE IS FINE AS HELL. He has nothing but sweet things to say about Hannah and while I would support him being the next Bachelor, I think we need to consider how many shirtless scenes we would get if he went to "Bachelor in Paradise" instead. Just something for us academics to consider when formulating opinions.

Things I kind of don't mind now

Even though he says things like "Shaka brah" while being excessively Caucasian, I find John Paul Jones pretty entertaining. If not just for the hair. Based on the montage of his moments on the show, he spent most of the time laughing, being loud and saying things like "YAS KWEEN" to accept a rose. Thus, I have concluded I would date him for 3 weeks in New York during the summer to have someone to go to music festivals with. He is for sure the guy your friends are like "Is he dumb?" but sweetly buys you all the PBR you want.

During his Barbara Walters time with Chris Harrison, a "random" (aka producer planted) audience member declares she is the biggest JPJ fan and asks to come onstage. There she reveals she has a pair of scissors which does not alarm ANYONE as much as it should especially considering this is the look she has in her eyes:

She asks to cut a piece of JPJ's hair (like he had Hannah do to show he cared) and he agrees and this is how a Lifetime movie begins.

"I want to apologize for keeping Luke around for so long"

During her time with Bird Harrison, Hannah looks directly into the camera like this is an episode of "The Office" to apologize to everyone for not seeking treatment for her Luke infection sooner.

Before that, she and Luke have a little back and forth and she explains how Fantasy Suites work because "Luke wouldn't know since he didn't get one" and y'all, I hollered. The carnage. She adds that she didn't go into last week thinking "Hmm, who am I going to have sex with in the Fantasy Suites?" Which, I mean, if she did, none of us would judge because that's just a girl trying to plan out her week and hydrate accordingly.

Have y'all ever had a bug in your house that you douse with bug killer spray? Even after it's clearly dead in a pool of spray, you keep going, just in case. Right, that's a pretty solid representation of what happened to Luke during this Tell All (he was the bug, obvi).

And that's it! See you all for the two-night finale next week! Will likely be a little late in posting, but that's only because I'll be hard at work tracking down Mike's exact location. Til then, find me refusing to pronounce gif as "jiff" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Fantasy Suites)

This week's post is brought to you by Ludacris because it's Fantasy Suites week!

Source

And bringing up this explicit song we sang along to as middle schoolers seems appropriate. Anywho, we're in Greece!

"I've stripped down all the walls and I'm totally exposed"
When Peter says he's totally exposed, he means it y'all. Before exposing himself, Peter greets Hannah on the beach and they exchange air:

I've thought about what would happen if I flung my body in the air toward a man of Peter's build and concluded my density would knock the air and maybe the life out of him. I'm willing to give it a shot though.

Hannah let's Peter know they didn't come to Greece just to make-out on the beach, no way! They're also going to make-out on a boat:

After making out, they take a face-to-face and also crotch-to-crotch nap, very romantic:

After they've completely eaten the Chapstick off each others mouths, they decide it might be important to also talk since a proposal is literally weeks away. During their chat, they both use the words "raw" and "exposed" and "stripped down" way more often than a normal human would, which I have to believe is the work of the producers. At one point, Peter asks "How did I get so lucky to meet this amazing person?" Um well, you filled out an application so that solves that mystery.

During the evening portion of the date, they sit on a day bed from my childhood bedroom:

They've obviously removed the trundle bed below. While ignoring those two plates of lettuce, Peter proceeds to take approx 4 hours to get the words out telling Hannah he loves her. He eventually get it out and Hannah rewards his efforts with a thing they have not really done today, kissing, and also a card inviting him to the Fantasy Suite.

Peter obviously accepts and we then learn HE IS THE WINDMILL SEX GUY:

That's right. The guy Hannah was referring to in the promos about having sex with in a windmill twice is our lil' Peter (and his lil' Peter). We also learn that the interior of this windmill looks like the basement of a frat house and it's terrifying:

Despite this looking like a Game of Thrones dungeon, I totally get Hannah wanting to Cersei his Lannister.

She wakes up the next morning and dances because she is Joey Potter and he is Pacey Witter and they finally did it:

Peter says it was the best night of his life and they "came together so much" and I am shocked he was able to deliver that line without cracking up. CAME TOGETHER SO MUCH? Where is the writing Emmy for the producer that made Peter say that.

"Tyler is that dream guy"
This is Fantasy Suites week so I'm skipping all of the stupid parts where Tyler isn't shirtless and oh hello:

Hannah brings Tyler to this spa for the day, aka, place for them to get half naked and oiled down and I want to send her a thank you note for taking Tyler only on shirtless dates. She really is doing the Lord's work.

About halfway through their massage, Tyler decides to upgrade this PG party to a PG-13 one and puts his massage skills to use:

Honestly how Hannah didn't realize sooner that he had replaced her masseuse considering he was only massaging her ass is confusing. Nonetheless, she finally notices and they of course start to make-out and this escalates to an R-rated party. I'm pretty positive that at this point, I am pregnant and Tyler is the father:

They're both wildly attractive but this looks like two raw chickens tangled by the wings.

The evening portion of the date takes place in some sort of wicker basket factory:

I don't even think there's any food on table because Tyler is serving us all the nourishment we need (OH MY GOD I HAVE TRULY OUTDONE MYSELF). Hannah realizes her horn dog meter is off the charts with Tyler and tells him that she doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite with him because she's worried the biggest part of their relationship is being physical with one another and the emotional part needs work. Which, there is nothing that stipulates you MUST have sex in the suites, but I appreciate Hannah admitting that Tyler is a walking aphrodisiac.

Here's his entire response that I must include because it looks like a monologue Peter Kavinsky may give in one of the "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" movies:

From Twitter

So now, not only has he set our loins ablaze, but also our hearts. Everything is on fire. That convinces Hannah and they retire to their Fantasy Suite on a boat.

The next day, Hannah emerges and says they spent the whole night talking and would make-out a bit before he would stop to hold her and tell her he loved her AND THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO SWEET, MY TEETH HURT.

I literally do not care about this one
I know I've talked about enjoying the visuals of Jed's bod, but as it turns out, him constantly being a Daria about Hannah keeping Luke around is a major turn-off. For their date, they meet in front of what appears to be a medical center to, I hope, address Jed's obvious deviated septum:

DON'T ACT LIKE HIS NASALY VOICE AND NOSE WHISTLES DON'T DISTRACT YOU TOO. They then head out to crash this Greek family gathering because why not:

They dance around and eat this family's food and make-out in front of them and it's totally normal. Jed pulls her away for a moment to chat because he has forgotten the premise of this show and the fact that it's Hannah's choice who gets to stay. He interrogates her, asking why she's kept Luke around for so long and she's like "bitch this is my season and I do what I want." Okay, not exactly that, she also mentions that she has a weird connection with Luke and can't explain it (nor should she have to).

Later at dinner, Jed plays this same off-key song and brings up Luke AGAIN. Hannah reacts as any woman does when faced with some redundant, crusty ass BS:

A summary of their conversation:

Jed: I just need to understand how you can like someone like Luke
Hannah: You have to trust that I can figure this out on my own
Jed: You liking this shitty guy makes me worried that you make shitty decisions
Hannah: BIHHHHHH GO BLOW YOUR NOSE

She then gets up from the table because she's pissed and Jed won't give her a freaking second to collect her thoughts without holding her like this is some high school prom photo:

Heads up: Anytime we repeatedly try to twist our hair into a bun with an imaginary hair tie, we are angry AF. I was hoping she would "accidentally" elbow him in his huge oddly shaped head.

They return to the table of kids play food and Jed, realizing he might be close to going home and losing screen time, I mean, Hannah, decides to backtrack. And he's like "JK, I trust you!" essentially taking white-out to the entirety of their previous conversation. I guess that's good enough for Hannah though as she invites him to the Fantasy Suite. Here they are the next morning while he T-Rex arms her head:

AND NOW THE MAIN EVENT
Hannah completely wastes her bucket list location of Santorini on dumbass Luke. They ride on a helicopter (because she won't be riding anything else IM SORRY OKAY, I HAD TO SAY IT) before settling on this scenic location for some making out:

She claims Luke is the best kisser, but like at what point will she realize that sometimes the things you enjoy bring you the most pain. Like me with milk products. Sometimes you just shouldn't risk the explosive results.

During this short lived moment of bliss, they both say they're "back on track" and SPOILER ALERT that track leads straight to Crazytown.

At dinner, Luke decides it's time to remind Hannah that he is the morality police. He says sex is for marriage (except for all that sex he had while he was ho' status) and he would need to leave if she's been intimate with any of the dudes. She listens before telling him that she doesn't owe him shit and he shouldn't judge her. A recap of her facial expressions because they are top notch:

After learning Hannah has GASP had sex with these guys, Luke begins to short circuit and is like "Wait wait, okay so you slipped up, I can work through anything" at which point I wanted Hannah to flip the table and kick him in the balls. She tells him she's a grown ass woman and can make her own decisions. And he decides the best way to clear up the situation is to say she's misunderstanding him and emphasize AGAIN that he can forgive her if she "slipped up."

That elicits this reaction:

Finally, Hannah is like "HO' YOU GOTTA GO," but Luke, who is unaware that women are allowed to talk back to men, WILL NOT get up. Hannah then stands over him and repeatedly says "GET UP":

Eventually his steroid filled ass gets up and by this point it's pouring because God is crying tears of joy that Hannah has finally decided to freeze this Luke wart off. Luke keeps asking to talk and also asks to pray for her and she's just like "NO BITCH!" and I haven't screamed "YAA YAAA YAA" so many times at the TV since well, the commercial break prior that mentioned Olive Garden has buy-one-get-one dinners (I LOVE FREE NOODS).

Before he leaves, Hannah says "GUESS WHAT, I HAVE HAD SEX AND JESUS STILL LOVES ME" and with that, the church said amen.

I don't know if Hannah would agree, but her dumping Luke was the most satisfying thing I experienced this episode.

And that's it! At least until Luke returns next week uninvited like the herpes he is. Here's to hoping Jed tries to fight him, sending them both home! Two birds! See you next week for that and the Men Tell All. Til then, find me listening to my summer playlist that consists only of "Work From Home" on repeat and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Hometown Dates)

This week's post is brought to you by Tyler licking his lips during the Rose Ceremony.

As the great poet Selena Gomez once said, "The heart wants what it wants." She was the first and only one to say it, do not fact check me, just trust.

We've made it to hometown dates! Aka, the week when Hannah tells four different dudes families that she could def see herself marrying all of them. Very regular, here we go!

California with Peter
We head 5 minutes down the road from the mansion to Westlake Village, CA to meet the family of Teen People magazine cover star Peter. They greet each other like this is a scene from Twilight while some poor cameraman drowns in pollen to get this shot:

After mandatory koala hugging, they go for a ride in Peter's "baby" and I'm sorry, I don't care what luxury car you have, a freaking 2-door is WACK AS HELL. Ain't nobody got time for moving a seat so you can get into a cramped ass back seat!

During their drive, Hannah decides to investigate Peter's center console and for once I'm not even being suggestive, I mean his literal center console:

She finds a condom and he acts embarrassed as if he didn't watch the producers plant it there approx 3 minutes ago. The show also blurs out the condom for the most part, so for all we know this is actually just a moist towelette (vv sorry for saying moist and for saying it again now).

Peter then surprises Hannah with a ride on his plane, again, a literal plane I'm not being disgusting but wow there are so many opportunities for jokes here. Anyway, they take flight because we need a reason for Peter to use the quote "I'm looking for a co-pilot for life."

And now, a series of moments of Peter "piloting" the plane:

I don't know, I just feel like he should also be ACTUALLY FLYING THE PLANE???? Is this what my Delta pilot does in the cockpit too? Do you have to be a good kisser to be a pilot? I just have so many logistical questions.

Back on the ground, they sit on this random ass bench to chat before heading to Peter's house. Benches are a recurring theme this episode as you'll later see, very exciting for us furniture aficionados.

At Peter's house, we meet his hot younger brother and before you jump to conclusions, he graduated from UCLA last year so he's at least 22 and this is totally legal and fine:

Doesn't he also look like a character from a teen rom-com? Except he's like the quiet, nerdy one. But a hot nerd who happens to have abs that convince us to fall in love with him. Wow, Hollywood is really missing out on my scripts and complex plot development.

During their bonding time, hot little bro emphasizes that Peter gets very invested in his relationships and says "When he gets all into you, it's very hard for him to get out." You guys. Standing ovation for this show going out of its way to make ALL of the innuendos for me this week.

The overall vibe of family time is pretty welcoming — Peter's dad says he can tell they care deeply about each other and Peter's mom seems satisfied knowing that even though Hannah is dating 3 other guys, she can "picture" it being Peter at the end. Which SPOILER ALERT is the line she will feed every dude's mom.

At the end of their date, Peter reiterates he's crazy about Hannah, but doesn't tell her he loves her. And then does something that Luke could never do — hugs her while being tall.

Florida with Fine Ass Tyler
Tyler opens his date in Jupiter, Florida with the rhyme "This is my hometown with Hannah Brown." How this man makes literally the stupidest, cheesiest things sound charming is confusing. He should really consider being the leader of one of those weird sex cults.

Hannah shows up and is like "It's beautiful here!" and Tyler, not to be topped by Tyler, replies with "But you're outshining it" AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. At this point, I think I'm falling in love with him.

They proceed to head out on a boat because what is the point of this date if Tyler isn't shirtless.

Hannah paws at his bod allegedly applying sunscreen, which, if that's the case he's going to have the strangest tan lines based on how unevenly she's spreading it.

He returns the favor by applying sunscreen to her boobs using only his eyes:

They ride around on this boat and he eventually shows her the house he grew up in and it's cute and yes I am 100% in love with him. They then sit on a beach for a little, mostly to enrage me by ignoring that BASKET OF CRISPY ASS FRIES:

Later, Hannah meets Tyler's family including his dad who was sick for a while. Similar to the vibe at Peter's, everyone is pretty welcoming. His two brothers even come over from the frat house to say they think he's ready to be engaged:

While Tyler tells his mom he's ready to propose, his dad is outside telling Hannah how happy he is to see Tyler in love. He also mentions that Tyler hasn't had a lot of girlfriends, which might be the most shocking thing I've ever heard in my life considering this is what his butt looks like in these tight ass pants:

When Hannah asks his dad if he thinks Tyler is ready to be engaged, he says Tyler is 26 and that's the point in life when marriage is a definite reality. For some perspective, when I was 26, my car hopped a curb and blew a tire because I was distracted while reaching for a macaroon I had just bought. So, absolutely agree that 26 is when we are all mature enough for marriage.

Before the night ends, they must sit on this bench as is required by law:

The date finally ends with Hannah checking to ensure none of Tyler's fillings have fallen out. Every good dentist knows this straddling method offers the best angle.

Georgia with Luke
For crazypants date, we head to Gainesville, Georgia. Luke first brings Hannah to some sort of Sunday school/bible study which the producers do not present in some sort of weird cult way at all:

The diversity in this shot just really jumps out. I mean look at how many brunettes there are! And that one guy has glasses!

I am mostly skeptical of this situation because they claim it's a "bible study," yet I see no sweet tea nor apple pie nor peach cobbler nor any sweets whatsoever. As someone whose family is Southern and has gone to plenty of church type things, I KNOW the way to distinguish a Southern church event is food. So, I have no idea what this gathering is.

Luke shares the same story we've now heard 154 times about how he found religion in the shower and I'll just let Hannah's "I'm imagining myself back on the beach with Tyler" face speak for all of us:

I'm convinced Luke has some sort of sponsorship deal with showers and is contractually obligated to mention them every episode.

That night, Hannah meets Luke's parents, his brother Mike and sister-in-law (who's also named Hannah). His brother, who kind of looks like Jim Carrey, is injured:

And we'll never know how that happened, but I used to watch Inspector Gadget a lot so I'm qualified to declare I have one suspect in mind:

WHY ARE HIS PUPILS ALWAYS DILATED? This is him in a "calm" moment talking to his mom. Speaking of, his parents are funnily enough like "Ummm Hannah why do you like him." His whole family is generally kind of surprised that he's made it this far, what with his crazy hanging out for so long. At one point, Luke's dad literally tells him "Well thank God for Hannah because for some unknown reason she likes you" (okay those aren't the exact words, but you get it).

But since he paid them, I mean since they love him, Luke's whole family paints this totally different picture of him. They describe him as this peacekeeping sweetheart, which is vastly different from the aggressive roid raged dude we've seen for 8 weeks.

The date ends with them sitting on another random bench because there is some sort of bench quota to fill:

I think this show is sending me subliminal messages because I now have a sudden urge to buy a bench. Strange.

As the guy who told her he was falling for her on Day 2, Luke of course tells Hannah he loves her. And she tells him she's falling in love with him. And he responds by squishing her face with his flesh-colored beard.

Tennessee with Jed
Hannah heads to a small town outside of Knoxville, Tennessee to meet Jed's family. I actually love how Hannah says "Jed" because she pronounces it like "Chad" but with a J (like "Jad"). Yeah just say it to yourself and that's exactly how she says it.

They meet in some town square and I remain pleasantly surprised at how beefy he is. Also want to point out that I am this displeased woman staring right at the camera:

Hannah says Jed "always has something in his pocket for me" and again, the show is beating me to every single joke. It's unreal. This time, the "surprise" Jed has for Hannah is:

I am shocked! A recording studio! Did you guys know Jed is an aspiring singer? It's not like he's brought it up every single time he's been onscreen, so!

Jed says they're going to write a song together, which Hannah declares is what every girl wants a guy to do for her. And I have to think that Naya Rivera would beg to differ considering Big Sean wrote a song called "I Don't Fuck With You" about her. But what do I know.

After "writing" a song, they head into the recording booth because seriously, Jed is not wasting his camera time and needs to remind us of his mediocre voice. This portion of the date ends with him telling her he loves her before they launch into their usual kissing that sounds like suction cups.

I don't want to know what sounds those mics picked up and the sound booth guys had to endure.

They then head to meet Jed's family and remember how last season, Cassie's family was VERY skeptical of this entire situation? Right, that's Jed's family this season.

During dinner, Jed's mom makes this toast that's like "Here's to everyone trusting their intuition and sticking to their truth because that's beneficial to everyone" and I died laughing.

Also I couldn't help but notice that his dad looks like Jessica Simpson's dad with that Ed Hardy shirt and soul patch?

Jed tells his dad he's in love and Hannah is aware of his life and supports his music and blah blah. His dad is basically like, Jed wtf are you doing this is crazy you just met her.

And here's a recap of the conversation Hannah has with Jed's mom, who makes this face for most of it:

Mom: Ummm this whole show is insane and not real
Hannah: I'm falling in love with Jed
Mom: Bihhhhh you probs say that to all the guys!
Hannah (stuttering): No, no I don't
Mom: Bihhhhhhhhh, whatever he ain't ready to get married!

The best part of this entire evening is Hannah's conversation with Jed's sister who could give two poots in the wind about their relationship.

Looking like DJ Tanner, she's like THIS HOUSE IS FULL (shoutout to Ellisa for that one). Hannah tries to win her over but his sister did not order this and is not having it.

Overall, this was the best hometown of the week because THIS IS THE NORMAL REACTION A FAMILY SHOULD HAVE TO THEIR SON BRINGING HOME SOMEONE HE MET ON A TV SHOW 9 WEEKS AGO AND THINKS HE'S READY TO MARRY. I cannot emphasize it enough.

Wait, I want my cake and I want to eat it too
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Hannah seeks counsel from the Grandmother Willow of this show, Chris Harrison.

I don't remember anything he said because all I could hear was his pinstriped suit yelling FUHGEDDABOUDIT. But Hannah shares she's uncertain of who to pick because they all presented great benches. So she's just gonna go into the Rose Ceremony and chicken wing it.

After giving Peter and Tyler roses (they're def final 2), she short circuits while trying to decide between Jed and Luke. So she heads out of the room, tells Chris she cannot send one of these guys home and then tries to break the rose apart like this is a scene in Mean Girls.

In a move we all see coming, Chris provides Hannah with an extra rose meaning NO DUDES GO HOME. Lord. But also, go on Hannah, convincing the show to let her bring all 4 dudes to Fantasy Suites so she can see what they have to offer (by "what they have to offer" I mean their bodies, was that not clear).

And that's it! I cannot wait for all of the suggestive remarks horn dog Hannah will make during overnight dates next week, love her. Til then, find me panicking in an H&M fitting room because I'm trapped in a romper I tried on, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).