Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah making the face I made for 98% of this four hour finale:

It's time for two dudes to knowingly propose to the same woman! A very normal thing to happen!

At least we'll always have the windmill
Since Luke's idiocy took up all of last week, we still have 3 dudes left, which is exactly one Jed too many (I took pre-calc in college, so you can trust my analysis).

So we have two hot guys and Jed left and what does Hannah do? Her dumbass sends Peter the Pilot home! And y'all, their breakup actually affected me and if my tear ducts had the capacity to do it, I think I would've cried. You could tell he was genuinely in love with her. Before he leaves, he cries into her shoulder while she tries to pop his head off like a doll to keep forever.

They both then launch into ugly crying and that is how we REALLY know their feelings were real.

Peter is then forced to unpack the emotional damage caused by Hannah during the live portion of the episode, which is terrible, but also is he a parking ticket because all I see is FIIIIIIINE:

He asks her for clarity about when she realized he wasn't the one, because after windmill sex he was positive they were blowing in the right direction (I impress myself). She admits she always felt unsure of his feelings and wishes he would've shared he was falling in love with her sooner.

He also asks what she meant when she said their relationship was a "slow burn" and she says the physical part of their relationship was hot AF but the emotional part grew slowly. We wrap up Hannah and Peter's relationship with her admitting they didn't have sex in the windmill twice......they did it four times. To which his parents reacted as such:

Mama and papa so proud that their son can go the distance in the air and in windmills.

With Pilot Peter gone, we're down to the final two who get to meet Hannah's parents. To set the scene, all of the parental meetings happen in this house built in the middle of the elephant graveyard from The Lion King:

The pleasingly hot crowd pleaser
As a reminder, Tyler and his chiseled jaw can cut my life into pieces any day of the week and twice on Sunday. He meets Hannah's parents first and I could not stop staring at her dad's fresh straight perm:

Hannah's mom emphasizes that marriage is a "one and done" thing, which speaking of, I've got something Tyler can one and done. He says he loves Hannah and wants her to be his wife and he wants to be her best friend and biggest cheerleader AND YES I SWOONED. Hannah's mom stares at him with heart eyes wondering if he can propose to her instead of Hannah.

When Hannah chats with her dad, who must have a hair straightener sponsorship, she admits that initially, she wasn't sure if she was falling in lust or love with Tyler, but now knows she's falling in love. And honestly, I've fallen in lust with Tyler and don't see what the problem is.

Overall, her entire family absolutely loves Tyler, who sets the bar at levels that Jed's bigass head will never reach. Speaking of....

The nasaly big headed singer
Jed and his stuffy nose are next to meet the fam and he kicks off introductions by sharing something deeply personal and secretive: he's a singer. GASP. If you drank every time Jed sang on camera or mentioned being a singer, you would've died in episode 2. I'll let Hannah's dad's look of disappointment that this is the Milk Dud following the beef cake they met yesterday speak for all of us:

As a reminder, Hannah's parents are old school Southern people who think the husband should be able to provide for the wife, so they're especially concerned over Jed's earning potential. Her dad asks what his financial goals are and Jed says that he isn't "just a singer" and has "many facets of income." The translation of that is Jed is one of those guys who lists himself on dating apps as an "entrepreneur" and takes girls on dates to places that serve drinks in tiny plastic cups while bragging that he's "thinking" of starting a company. Anyway, Jed tries to convince Hannah's dad he has all of these possibilities and her dad is like:

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Jed does mention the biggest thing he's proud of is landing a deal writing jingles for a dog food company. So I guess he's made it y'all, where is his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and do you think he'll get nominated for "Best Dog Food Jingle" at the Grammys?

When Hannah asks her dad how their chat went, he says Jed overexplained a lot while not actually answering any of his questions. And he doesn't want her to settle, and I'm not agreeing that choosing Jed is settling, but is this Plymouth Rock and are we in pilgrim attire because OH WAIT YES IT'S SETTLING.

Later, when Hannah asks her mom what she thought of Jed, she says: "He has....qualities" AND BRRR IT IS CHILLY IN ALL THIS SHADE.

Hannah is perplexed following her parents feedback and decides she needs to brood by the pool wearing all of the bracelets I got from Claire's in 2002:

She tells Jed that it was so easy with Tyler and went so well and he complains that her parents seem to be overly concerned with his financial situation, when like, he's clearly rolling in that dog jingle money.

Overall, the family does not like this "singer" and his oddly shaped head.

Final dates
For their last date, Hannah decides she and Tyler should go horseback riding and to that I say: I've got something Tyler can ride (I HAVE TO MAKE THESE JOKES, OKAY).

Later during the portion of the evening when the camera is 2 inches from their faces while they have deep conversation, she says she can see a future with him and he says he can't wait to have a life with her and raise kids. This man's words are just constantly smoother than butter, like give me some potatoes. They kiss and I love him but could only focus on this small stain because I guess he does have one flaw:

While distracting, the stain is irrelevant because I would make out with Tyler if he were just one giant stain.

For his final date with Hannah, Jed wears shorts for the first time in his life. They head out on a boat, which turns out to be pretty representative of what's to come in terms of their relationship. The ride is rocky and Hannah gets nauseous, both from the boat and because she can't stop thinking about her parents negative assessment of Jed.

She doesn't actually vomit, but makes vomit noises which might be worse. They then sit down and he continues to complain about her parents thinking less of him because he's a singer, because as he emphasizes, he knows how to "do more than music" (SPOILER ALERT: The "more" he can do is be an asshole). Hannah endures his nasaly voice and sips what I hope is a glass full of vodka because dear God this man is annoying:

He adds that he loves her and even if they met outside of the show, he would fall in love, something that is laughable because outside of the show, he already has a girlfriend (this will come up again, don't worry).

Before we jump into proposal day, here's a recap:
Tyler - hot, proportionally sized body, smooth voice, has a 401K, parents love him
Jed - mild, oddly shaped enormous head, deviated septum, has 401 pennies, parents hate him

Hannah is still unsure, so let's get to the proposal!
On the way to the Pier 1 set where all proposals happen, Hannah realizes she's super unsure about who she wants to choose. So naturally, she has the driver stop so she can fall down this random street while in a couture gown:

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She keeps saying "I can't do this," so the producers prove to be extremely understanding by making her do this. And she makes her way to the Target home goods section.

I love how no matter what international location they're in for the proposal, the producers insist on making it look like they're in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Like, it's a literal pottery barn out there.

Tyler is up first, which precedent has taught us means he's about to be dumped. He's about halfway through his speech, sounding like Ryan Gosling telling Rachel McAdams he wants all of her everyday forever, when Hannah interrupts him because she can't bear to let him finish. After she stops him, he realizes this can't be good:

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She tells him that he's amazing (duh) and she cares for him but she's in love with someone else. And as a collective race, we responded with:

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Tyler handles the breakup pretty sweetly and simply tells her he hopes she has a beautiful life with Jed. She then walks him to his Uber, solidifying what is the stupidest decision I've ever seen since, well, the last season of The Bachelorette when Becca chose that racist ass Garrett. And then the season before that when Rachel chose hair plugs Bryan. Okay as it turns out there is a theme with the Bachelorettes.

So now it's Jed's turn and the first thing I want to point out is this gaudy ass ring he wears:

I bet he got that in a Hot Topic. Since it's proposal day, the focus should be on Hannah so Jed of course shows up with his guitar because he needs as much camera time as possible:

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Bro, we do not wanna hear your dog jingle singing ass AGAIN. It's like he thinks we ordered an unlimited subscription to his voice when we in fact have asked to be removed from this mailing list for weeks.

So he sings some wackass song and proposes and she of course says yes.

BUT THIS FINALE AINT OVER YET.

When a shitty dude reveals himself to be shitty
We get this montage of clips of Hannah and Jed enjoying life as an engaged couple for approx 4 minutes before news from the real world surfaces. Apparently Jed's hair is big because it's full of secrets as he wasn't so forthcoming about his relationship status. A summary of their confrontation complemented by Hannah's reaction during the majority of it:

Hannah: You said you were just "hanging out" with a girl, but it's clear you were in a relationship
Jed: We didn't even hang out that much
Hannah: So y'all saw each other like once
Jed: Yeah. And then one more time after that. And then 400 times after that and we took an international trip together and she met my parents and I told her I loved her and we are each other's emergency contacts and we have our names tattooed on each other's lower backs and we are technically married in 15 countries. BUT THAT'S IT, I BARELY KNOW HER.
Hannah: Did you actually break up with her before you came on the show
Jed: Yes I did, but I said to to myself
Hannah: So you didn't tell her that you were breaking up with her
Jed: I told her telepathically and then really emphasized we were breaking up by sleeping with her the night before I came out here
Hannah: :/

As a cherry on top of this shit pie, Hannah shares that she knows he told people in Nashville that he "won." He begs for forgiveness, but she's at max capacity for the bullshit and finally takes off her ring and dumps his ass.

During the live portion, Hannah reaffirms that she and Jed are not together while wearing earrings that for some reason remind me of metal cheese graters:

Jed comes out and apologizes again and Hannah's like "new phone who dis" and can we please never see this man again.

When you gotta shoot your shot
The finale wraps with Tyler coming out looking hotter than the scalding middle part of a Hot Pocket and Hannah "sup u up's" him by pointing out that they're both single before asking him out for drinks.

He says he would love to, meaning this season ends with the Bachelorette landing.....a date. Screaming at the inefficiency and waste of a season.

And that's it! We made it through another trash fire! I predict Peter or Tyler will be the next Bachelor, but until then, we've got Bachelor in Paradise to shred our brain cells. See you next week for that! Til then, find me somehow managing to get barbecue sauce on my white shorts even when there is no barbecue sauce around and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah looking like the mean popular girl at prom from every 90s teen movie:

I have a feeling she's about to tell Rachel Leigh Cook she was just a bet between Freddie Prinze Jr. and Paul Walker. Then break out into a choreographed Fatboy Slim dance.

We've made it to the Men Tell All! Aka the week when they bring back 400 guys we don't remember. But before we jump into that, we endure one last Rose Ceremony with this recurring rash named Luke.

"I'm about to go psycho"
As we all remember, except for Luke who was actually there for it, Hannah sent Luke home last week. But like any shitty dude, he decides no one chooses when he goes home except for him. So he shows up at the Rose Ceremony like that moldy slice of pizza you SWORE you got rid of:

Shoutout to that insert of a woman who I assume is named Kathy reacting for all of us. All of the other guys are unaware Hannah sent him home early, so they think the presence of this long-term zit is totally normal. Obviously Hannah saying "WTF" tips them off that he shouldn't be here.

He says he's "not through," as if we're at a restaurant and the waiter is trying to take away his half-eaten raw steak (I bet he likes his steak freshly cut off the cow with a lighter ran over it). He tells Hannah he's here for clarity and isn't leaving without closure. In response, Hannah moves the rose holder thing (is there an official term) to block him out:

I cannot express how much I have hated seeing his short ass in oversized suits for 11 weeks. Like, most dudes look better in suits but he looks exponentially worse. I guess it's hard to stuff so much ignorance into such flimsy material though. Anyway, Hannah continues to "SHOO" him until finally the other ducks are like, hey this duck isn't in our flock anymore:

A summary of the conversation that occurs:

Hannah (looking Luke in the eyes): I have complete clarity and no regrets and no feelings for you
Luke: All I need for you to do is look me in the eyes and say you have complete clarity and no regrets and no feelings for me
Hannah: :/

He finally leaves when she repeats herself for the 89th time. I hope he kept the tags on that suit he bought from the Big & Tall store, thinking he'd grow into it. But with that, our Luke rash has finally cleared up!

His annoying presence is only replaced by Jed taking credit for his departure by saying "She heard me about him" as if Hannah needed Jed's big ass head to show her the way. If anything that giant noggin blocks the way.

And the actual episode ends with our final 3:

Herpes is with you for life

We spend approx 2/3 of the "Tell All" portion on Luke because the men have a lot to tell. Beginning with Luke, sans flesh-colored beard, who is here to clear some things up. And by "clear things up" I mean "muddle this sewage dump even more." Before we dive in, I want to point out that when he speaks, it looks like he's being dubbed over and the audio is slightly off. Like his mouth is moving when words aren't coming out. Because of this, I bet he tells people he's multilingual. He's also bad at forming sentences that make actual sense. Most of the time, it sounds like he's piecing together random nouns and verbs.

During his chat with Chris Harrison, he proves he's not obsessed with sex by using the words "mount" and "straddle" while describing Hannah's actions with some of the guys. Wow, I can't believe she didn't choose this Prince Charming.

A summary of his main points:

Luke: If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't change a thing. Also, I came onto this show on a rescue mission for Hannah.
Chris Harrison: Wait what
Luke: I DID MAKE MISTAKES AND WOULD CHANGE THINGS. ALSO, I DON'T THINK I CAME ON THE SHOW TO "RESCUE" HANNAH, YOU ARE MISCONSTRUING ME.

At one point, one of the dudes asks "Do you just want a woman you can put in a glass case to pull down when you want?" leading Luke to make this face while strongly considering the possibilities:

"Do they make glass cases big enough?" is what I assume he's mulling over because that is UNDOUBTEDLY what he wants. After 4 hours, he finally realizes, oh wait I should pretend to be a human man and says "No, I.....don't want that."

Speaking of the other guys, most of them are here to shit on Luke which sounds mean but is necessary and anyway here are my favorite insults:

"Your future wife is gonna be a prisoner" - Hot Mike
"I respect you for being here, but also fuck you" - Vocal Fry Connor

Continuing on the topic of the guys...

Who are most of these men

I hate these "Tell All" episodes because they bring back dudes we saw for 3 minutes in maybe 2 episodes. Like, those dodos have nothing to tell because they barely got to see the title sequence of the show.

Particularly this guy, WHO THE HELL IS THIS???

I have never seen that man in my life. I assume his name is Chad and he is a "club promoter."

We're gonna need a ladder

Because Garrett is high as hell. He looks like he smoked a shit ton of weed while in a sauna hanging upside down. That or he has a SEVERE case of pink eye in both eyes. Man, being a golf pro really is a dangerous sport.

Things I enjoy

Is Mike a 0.38mm tip pen because HE IS FINE AS HELL. He has nothing but sweet things to say about Hannah and while I would support him being the next Bachelor, I think we need to consider how many shirtless scenes we would get if he went to "Bachelor in Paradise" instead. Just something for us academics to consider when formulating opinions.

Things I kind of don't mind now

Even though he says things like "Shaka brah" while being excessively Caucasian, I find John Paul Jones pretty entertaining. If not just for the hair. Based on the montage of his moments on the show, he spent most of the time laughing, being loud and saying things like "YAS KWEEN" to accept a rose. Thus, I have concluded I would date him for 3 weeks in New York during the summer to have someone to go to music festivals with. He is for sure the guy your friends are like "Is he dumb?" but sweetly buys you all the PBR you want.

During his Barbara Walters time with Chris Harrison, a "random" (aka producer planted) audience member declares she is the biggest JPJ fan and asks to come onstage. There she reveals she has a pair of scissors which does not alarm ANYONE as much as it should especially considering this is the look she has in her eyes:

She asks to cut a piece of JPJ's hair (like he had Hannah do to show he cared) and he agrees and this is how a Lifetime movie begins.

"I want to apologize for keeping Luke around for so long"

During her time with Bird Harrison, Hannah looks directly into the camera like this is an episode of "The Office" to apologize to everyone for not seeking treatment for her Luke infection sooner.

Before that, she and Luke have a little back and forth and she explains how Fantasy Suites work because "Luke wouldn't know since he didn't get one" and y'all, I hollered. The carnage. She adds that she didn't go into last week thinking "Hmm, who am I going to have sex with in the Fantasy Suites?" Which, I mean, if she did, none of us would judge because that's just a girl trying to plan out her week and hydrate accordingly.

Have y'all ever had a bug in your house that you douse with bug killer spray? Even after it's clearly dead in a pool of spray, you keep going, just in case. Right, that's a pretty solid representation of what happened to Luke during this Tell All (he was the bug, obvi).

And that's it! See you all for the two-night finale next week! Will likely be a little late in posting, but that's only because I'll be hard at work tracking down Mike's exact location. Til then, find me refusing to pronounce gif as "jiff" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Fantasy Suites)

This week's post is brought to you by Ludacris because it's Fantasy Suites week!

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And bringing up this explicit song we sang along to as middle schoolers seems appropriate. Anywho, we're in Greece!

"I've stripped down all the walls and I'm totally exposed"
When Peter says he's totally exposed, he means it y'all. Before exposing himself, Peter greets Hannah on the beach and they exchange air:

I've thought about what would happen if I flung my body in the air toward a man of Peter's build and concluded my density would knock the air and maybe the life out of him. I'm willing to give it a shot though.

Hannah let's Peter know they didn't come to Greece just to make-out on the beach, no way! They're also going to make-out on a boat:

After making out, they take a face-to-face and also crotch-to-crotch nap, very romantic:

After they've completely eaten the Chapstick off each others mouths, they decide it might be important to also talk since a proposal is literally weeks away. During their chat, they both use the words "raw" and "exposed" and "stripped down" way more often than a normal human would, which I have to believe is the work of the producers. At one point, Peter asks "How did I get so lucky to meet this amazing person?" Um well, you filled out an application so that solves that mystery.

During the evening portion of the date, they sit on a day bed from my childhood bedroom:

They've obviously removed the trundle bed below. While ignoring those two plates of lettuce, Peter proceeds to take approx 4 hours to get the words out telling Hannah he loves her. He eventually get it out and Hannah rewards his efforts with a thing they have not really done today, kissing, and also a card inviting him to the Fantasy Suite.

Peter obviously accepts and we then learn HE IS THE WINDMILL SEX GUY:

That's right. The guy Hannah was referring to in the promos about having sex with in a windmill twice is our lil' Peter (and his lil' Peter). We also learn that the interior of this windmill looks like the basement of a frat house and it's terrifying:

Despite this looking like a Game of Thrones dungeon, I totally get Hannah wanting to Cersei his Lannister.

She wakes up the next morning and dances because she is Joey Potter and he is Pacey Witter and they finally did it:

Peter says it was the best night of his life and they "came together so much" and I am shocked he was able to deliver that line without cracking up. CAME TOGETHER SO MUCH? Where is the writing Emmy for the producer that made Peter say that.

"Tyler is that dream guy"
This is Fantasy Suites week so I'm skipping all of the stupid parts where Tyler isn't shirtless and oh hello:

Hannah brings Tyler to this spa for the day, aka, place for them to get half naked and oiled down and I want to send her a thank you note for taking Tyler only on shirtless dates. She really is doing the Lord's work.

About halfway through their massage, Tyler decides to upgrade this PG party to a PG-13 one and puts his massage skills to use:

Honestly how Hannah didn't realize sooner that he had replaced her masseuse considering he was only massaging her ass is confusing. Nonetheless, she finally notices and they of course start to make-out and this escalates to an R-rated party. I'm pretty positive that at this point, I am pregnant and Tyler is the father:

They're both wildly attractive but this looks like two raw chickens tangled by the wings.

The evening portion of the date takes place in some sort of wicker basket factory:

I don't even think there's any food on table because Tyler is serving us all the nourishment we need (OH MY GOD I HAVE TRULY OUTDONE MYSELF). Hannah realizes her horn dog meter is off the charts with Tyler and tells him that she doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite with him because she's worried the biggest part of their relationship is being physical with one another and the emotional part needs work. Which, there is nothing that stipulates you MUST have sex in the suites, but I appreciate Hannah admitting that Tyler is a walking aphrodisiac.

Here's his entire response that I must include because it looks like a monologue Peter Kavinsky may give in one of the "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" movies:

From Twitter

So now, not only has he set our loins ablaze, but also our hearts. Everything is on fire. That convinces Hannah and they retire to their Fantasy Suite on a boat.

The next day, Hannah emerges and says they spent the whole night talking and would make-out a bit before he would stop to hold her and tell her he loved her AND THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO SWEET, MY TEETH HURT.

I literally do not care about this one
I know I've talked about enjoying the visuals of Jed's bod, but as it turns out, him constantly being a Daria about Hannah keeping Luke around is a major turn-off. For their date, they meet in front of what appears to be a medical center to, I hope, address Jed's obvious deviated septum:

DON'T ACT LIKE HIS NASALY VOICE AND NOSE WHISTLES DON'T DISTRACT YOU TOO. They then head out to crash this Greek family gathering because why not:

They dance around and eat this family's food and make-out in front of them and it's totally normal. Jed pulls her away for a moment to chat because he has forgotten the premise of this show and the fact that it's Hannah's choice who gets to stay. He interrogates her, asking why she's kept Luke around for so long and she's like "bitch this is my season and I do what I want." Okay, not exactly that, she also mentions that she has a weird connection with Luke and can't explain it (nor should she have to).

Later at dinner, Jed plays this same off-key song and brings up Luke AGAIN. Hannah reacts as any woman does when faced with some redundant, crusty ass BS:

A summary of their conversation:

Jed: I just need to understand how you can like someone like Luke
Hannah: You have to trust that I can figure this out on my own
Jed: You liking this shitty guy makes me worried that you make shitty decisions
Hannah: BIHHHHHH GO BLOW YOUR NOSE

She then gets up from the table because she's pissed and Jed won't give her a freaking second to collect her thoughts without holding her like this is some high school prom photo:

Heads up: Anytime we repeatedly try to twist our hair into a bun with an imaginary hair tie, we are angry AF. I was hoping she would "accidentally" elbow him in his huge oddly shaped head.

They return to the table of kids play food and Jed, realizing he might be close to going home and losing screen time, I mean, Hannah, decides to backtrack. And he's like "JK, I trust you!" essentially taking white-out to the entirety of their previous conversation. I guess that's good enough for Hannah though as she invites him to the Fantasy Suite. Here they are the next morning while he T-Rex arms her head:

AND NOW THE MAIN EVENT
Hannah completely wastes her bucket list location of Santorini on dumbass Luke. They ride on a helicopter (because she won't be riding anything else IM SORRY OKAY, I HAD TO SAY IT) before settling on this scenic location for some making out:

She claims Luke is the best kisser, but like at what point will she realize that sometimes the things you enjoy bring you the most pain. Like me with milk products. Sometimes you just shouldn't risk the explosive results.

During this short lived moment of bliss, they both say they're "back on track" and SPOILER ALERT that track leads straight to Crazytown.

At dinner, Luke decides it's time to remind Hannah that he is the morality police. He says sex is for marriage (except for all that sex he had while he was ho' status) and he would need to leave if she's been intimate with any of the dudes. She listens before telling him that she doesn't owe him shit and he shouldn't judge her. A recap of her facial expressions because they are top notch:

After learning Hannah has GASP had sex with these guys, Luke begins to short circuit and is like "Wait wait, okay so you slipped up, I can work through anything" at which point I wanted Hannah to flip the table and kick him in the balls. She tells him she's a grown ass woman and can make her own decisions. And he decides the best way to clear up the situation is to say she's misunderstanding him and emphasize AGAIN that he can forgive her if she "slipped up."

That elicits this reaction:

Finally, Hannah is like "HO' YOU GOTTA GO," but Luke, who is unaware that women are allowed to talk back to men, WILL NOT get up. Hannah then stands over him and repeatedly says "GET UP":

Eventually his steroid filled ass gets up and by this point it's pouring because God is crying tears of joy that Hannah has finally decided to freeze this Luke wart off. Luke keeps asking to talk and also asks to pray for her and she's just like "NO BITCH!" and I haven't screamed "YAA YAAA YAA" so many times at the TV since well, the commercial break prior that mentioned Olive Garden has buy-one-get-one dinners (I LOVE FREE NOODS).

Before he leaves, Hannah says "GUESS WHAT, I HAVE HAD SEX AND JESUS STILL LOVES ME" and with that, the church said amen.

I don't know if Hannah would agree, but her dumping Luke was the most satisfying thing I experienced this episode.

And that's it! At least until Luke returns next week uninvited like the herpes he is. Here's to hoping Jed tries to fight him, sending them both home! Two birds! See you next week for that and the Men Tell All. Til then, find me listening to my summer playlist that consists only of "Work From Home" on repeat and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).