Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by Chris Harrison officially closing Paradise because we made it to the finale!

I cannot even imagine what level of deep clean these facilities will need. Shoutout to everyone who crawled with me to the finish line of this season!

Let's check in with all of our couples who thought the only choices were to either break up or get engaged after knowing each other for a month.

Nicole and Clay
During their last date, Clay reiterates that he's "starting" to fall in love with Nicole but isn't there yet, all but telling her that his ass sure as hell ain't ready to get engaged. He adds that he's not sure what's holding him back, but like, let's remember that Clay dated Angela for 8 months and never got to the love stage, so one month with Nicole is definitely not gonna do it.

He doesn't think they should spend the night together, which I mean, while his voice is annoying, this is thoughtful of him to not try to hook up with the girl he's (spoiler alert) gonna break up with the next day. Thus, Nicole spends her evening watching fireworks alone with a bottle of champagne (this sounds like a lovely evening tbh).

The next day, as if 8 hours apart can suddenly make Clay realize he's in love and ready to propose, they both show up to the sacrificial altar.

Nicole gives her spiel first, telling Clay she's been in love with him since their first date (um hello stage 4 clinger) and, I cannot emphasize this enough, keeps pronouncing "relationship" like "relayship." RELAYSHIP. This was all I could focus on.

After she pours her heart out, Clay cleans it up with some paper towels and is like "cool story bro, I'm still not there." And actually wants to pursue their relationship more outside of the show to see where it could go. Meaning he wants to grow a real relationship outside of this prison experiment. Well, this will not do for Nicole who only came here for the whole cake or nothing at all, so she leaves him.

And then they both aren't on the reunion after, so RIP to this relayship.

Katie and Chris
As a reminder, here's a side-by-side of Katie and Chris:

They both recognize they've had a hard week, what with Chris thinking he could possibly find something better than Katie and Katie reassuring him that he cannot. They seem to be in a good place and both say they're in love before heading into the Fantasy Suite where I'm sure all of Katie's 15-second fantasies came true.

The next day at the stage where engagements are forced, it's pretty apparent from the bulge in Chris' butt that he's going to propose. That or he really needs to see a doctor:

They both give their lovey dovey speeches (I remain surprised that they memorizes these) before Chris gets down on one knee:

Katie of course says yes and while honestly none of these dodos should get engaged, this is the one couple that REALLY should not have. It was clear Chris was a bit unsure leading up to the engagement and also that Katie could def do better. Luckily, we're blessed enough to see their couples strife play out in real time:

As it turns out, getting engaged does not solve all of your problems. Katie (who is not wearing her ring) admits it's been hard because Chris is not the best communicator (probably because he's only used to communicating via telegram). She says she loves him but is exhausted and he agrees that she has been putting more effort into their relationship and wants to do better. Blah blah, this is literally a continuation of their primary issue in Paradise that ends with them both agreeing they're still in love and Katie puts her ring back on. BUT WAIT. The hot mess express ain't over.

After their segment, we see them outside the studio sort of arguing. Chris claims Katie "blindsided" him because he had no idea she felt this way, which is man speak for "you made me look bad on TV." They argue a bit before he walks off and all I want to say is Katie REALLY needs to move on from this wackass dude. Like, I don't get it. His personality is as bland as baby food.

Hannah and Dylan
They head into the Fantasy Suite to do exactly what they've been doing in Paradise (when they're not napping) —slowly swirl around the pool while clinging to each other like saran wrap.:

I can remember exactly zero conversations of substance these people have had. Dylan obviously proposes because he came into Paradise already president of her fan club:

For a moment, I thought she might say no, which would have LITERALLY killed Dylan. I am positive he would've burst into a bunch of confetti and flown away into the breeze. She says yes though and during the reunion later, we learn our little vanilla pudding cups are still going strong.

Shoutout to Hannah's spray tan.

Demi and Kristian

Demi and Kristian head into the random carpeted proposal area as the strongest of all the couples. Demi proposes and Kristian (obviously) says yes and all I could think about was how hard it must've been to trek through sand in those stilettos. Like, I can barely walk on the beach wearing no shoes, so this is amazing.

Later at the reunion, we learn they're still going strong and Kristian sweetly proposes to Demi:

Rose petals then fall from above because this franchise absolutely owns stock in roses.

Tayshia and JPJ
That's right, this love story didn't end in Paradise. Tayshia and HER FLAWLESS BROWS AND HONESTLY FLAWLESS FACE talks about how she couldn't stop thinking about JPJ when she left Paradise.

Instead of just telling us what happened between them, a camera OF COURSE tracked their relationship happenings post-Paradise:

To summarize: Tayshia went out to Maryland and "surprised "(lolol not) JPJ and told him she made a mistake ending things with him. He tells her he doesn't just throw around the "L" word, which I think means lasagna, so he's obviously still in lasagna with her. He asks her to be his girlfriend and bada bing bada boom, they're together again.

At the reunion, JPJ proceeds to get on one knee leading all of us (including Tayshia) to think he's going to propose. Instead, he expresses his love for her again through some Shakespeare and wtf why did he get on one knee that is so misleading and also bad on the knees.

Sad ass lonely Blake

Thumb Head shows up to the reunion still on his self-pity tour, this time re-hashbrowning the situation between him and Caelynn. When the episode aired of Caelynn confronting him about the situation that guides all of their lives, Stagecoach, he released screenshots of a bunch of text messages between them. Which, I know a guy releasing screenshots of his personal text messages with a woman to his thousands of followers on Instagram sounds grimy, BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE IT IS. He says he released these to prove his innocence which is like robbing someone to prove you aren't a thief (trust me, I took a "street law" class in high school so I know about legal stuff).

He maintains they talked before Paradise and both agreed to not bring up their history and just move on. However, Caelynn crying says otherwise:

I'm gonna be honest and say I was distracted here because LOOK HOW FREAKING TAN DEAN'S HANDS ARE. LIKE, HOLY SHIT. I mean tan or dirty who knows, the man doesn't bathe. For FYI purposes, here's what Dean looks like aside from just his tan hands:

I bet he thinks getting a bolo tie with "C" on it proves he's committed to Caelynn.

I know I use the "beating a dead horse" phrase a lot, but dear God this whole Blake ordeal. At this point, there is no horse left, we have completely beaten it into the ground (is that graphic, I'm sorry). Eventually, the entire group asks for Blake to apologize so they can all move on and Blake, who if we may recall is a huge fan of Blake, thinks that Blake shouldn't have to. To which Mike responds:

Thumb Head eventually does apologize and by "apologize" I mean he says the equivalent of "I'm sorry if you thought I said....." AWW, what a swell guy. I'd love for him to never return to any of these shows again, but knowing ABC and their penchant for messy, over confident fugly guys, he'll def be back for another season of BIP.

I AM SHOCKED, said no one

In a reveal that is as surprising as a kitten growing into a cat, Peter is announced as the next Bachelor. I was still holding out hope that Chris Harrison would randomly say "IT'S MIKE!" to throw us all off, but that doesn't happen. And while I think Peter is adorable and I am willing to go sight seeing around a windmill with him, I have a feeling his season will be a full loaf of white bread. It doesn't air until January, but I'm waging my bets ahead of time that he picks a blonde.

And that's it! Overall, this BIP season was pretty terrible compared to last season, but I guess when we're comparing moldy fruit to moldy vegetables it's all bad. I will continue to watch every single minute of every season, thanks.

See you next week for the Emmys! Til then, find me eating all of the cashews and almonds out of the mixed nuts leaving only peanuts behind and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).