Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail carrying three drinks at once:

Honestly, the way women have evolved to be able to carry 400 things in our hands at once because designers keep creating pants for us that DO NOT HAVE POCKETS is amazing.

Anyway, 3 drinks is the minimum serving of alcohol you need to get through this show, which by the way, we're getting TWO episodes of per week now. That's four hours of sweaty beach content, I have many regrets, so let's jump in.

"Those poor girls, I'm gonna steal all of their men"

Demi arrives because she's been single for a whole year (after being engaged) and that's like 35 years in this show's time. In a surprise to no one with eyes, she immediately hones in on Brendan. I don't blame her because if I showed up on this beach and he was there, I'd climb right on top of Brendan's....altar to propose (oh my god what did you think I was going to say). Oh also, to be clear, I'm interested in Brendan's banana:

This actual banana, omg again what did you think I was talking about, I love potassium okay.

They spend the afternoon jet skiing because that's the best way to talk to someone you've just met. Afterwards, they ignore beach charcuterie (beach coot), which is pretty impressive because honestly in this photo, I don't know what I want more — Brendan or that prosciutto wrapped around a mozzarella ball: 

Brendan makes it clear that this was a nice day, but he plans to continue talking to other women because it is literally only day two of this show. To which Demi responds:

She tells him she's "the cream of the crop," but I guess Brendan is lactose intolerant (same bb), so she's very shocked that this man she just spent 15 minutes with isn't instantly in love with her.

Back at the ranch, "Rumors" by Lindsay Lohan is blasting on the speakers as word spreads that Brendan was dating Pieper (from Matt's season) before coming on the show and is possibly holding out for her. And like, who cares? Once they've been on the show, these people only date each other, so it's not like the dating pool is that deep (I mean that in so many ways).

That night, Brendan does damage control, mostly with Natasha.

He clarifies that he was only "hanging out" with Pieper and had fun with her, but they're not in a relationship. He adds that he's never had serious conversations like he's had with Natasha, with Pieper, and he feels the strongest connection with her. 

And do I believe him? Yes. Do I think he'll pursue Pieper if (when) she arrives? Yes. Would I let this smokin' hot man play with my emotions? Absolutely, here are the playing instructions.

"I just want a rose": James edition

As a reminder, James was the dick-in-a-box from Katie's season and while I compared him to the evil food critic from Ratatouille before, I now realize he looks more like a puffed up Justin Bieber. Like Bieber is a popcorn kernel and James is the actual popcorn. Anyway, realizing a Rose Ceremony is coming up and the guys have the power, Victoria P. realizes she hasn't secured a rose, so she sets her static electricity brows on James:

Sorry but I will never get onboard with this splayed out brows look. It is a crime. 

She gets to work woo'ing him, which is really drawn out and in-depth and jk look at this man, he def does bicep curls while staring at himself in the mirror. She simply tells him she finds him attractive and with that, he decides she's a great match for him. During her interview she also admits that while she feels a connection with James, she doesn't get "chills," but hey she needs a rose and he's got one, so. 

Also, for the life of her, she cannot remember his name. She either forgets or refers to him as "Jordan" because he "looks like a Jordan." So as you can tell, Victoria has really grown and matured since her bullshitting days on Peter's season.

While James/Jordan and Victoria spend more time together, Tammy realizes that it's been two whole days and she has yet to use her giant wooden spoon and pot to stir up some drama and this will not do.

She tells James that Victoria actually has a boyfriend back home and she's only on BIP to have a dramatic breakup with a guy so cameras will follow her home to Nashville where her wannabe country singer boyfriend can get on TV. Kelsey confirms that Victoria was dating someone, which she knows because she also lives in Nashville and I guess relationships are put into a giant book for everyone to reference in that city. 

James/Jordan then decides to confront Victoria with this news and she's like:

Love that Victoria looks like when you ask a toddler if they ate your cookie and they say no while actively eating your cookie. This conversation then ensues:

James: Do you have a boyfriend back home
Victoria: I don't understand the question
James: Why didn't you mention this "ex" boyfriend when we were talking about past relationships?
Victoria: Omg sorry reception is so bad, I can't hear you
James: I would've appreciated if you told me
Victoria: OH MY GOD, CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT ME, IT'S ALMOST AS IF A GIRL CAN'T COME ON THIS DATING SHOW WITH A SECRET AGENDA AND BOYFRIEND??

I can't decide what's worse, Victoria's eyebrows or her lying. She ultimately decides to leave because everyone is being so rude and won't let her openly lie to a man to be on TV longer. And as she leaves, she says "I don't have to search for what I already have back home" as if it's some big reveal and not like we just watched her lie come out in real time.

Now with one woman who was only interested in James for his rose out of the way, two other women pick up the torch:

In the end, James, who has gotten more airtime in this one episode than the entirety of Katie's season, picks Demi. 

And what I cannot emphasize enough is how much I do not care about any of these people. But you know who I do care about...

Ivan & Jessenia

Jessenia gets a date card and asks Ivan to join her since they've been spending the most time together and also because he is the best man on the beach and she's a great decision maker.

They have an actual conversation of substance (something that only happens about twice per season) as she tells him how much it stood out to her that he had serious, thoughtful conversations with Tayshia about race. She then explains how after her season, she endured a lot of racist comments online, so deciding to come back to Paradise was difficult, but now she's glad she did.

Ivan, who unlike 98% of these men, is capable of listening to a woman, absorbing what she's saying, comprehending it and then responding thoughtfully (A CONCEPT), tells her that he realizes how different and difficult the experience of this show is for the women compared to the men. But he's also glad she's here aaaaand he'll definitely be giving her his rose this week. They end the date by making out in the pool, which for any other couple is stupid, but for them is sweet.

I can't actually picture either of them with any of these other cockatoos, oh except, Ivan would make the perfect couple with this one person I know named me. It is me. But until I show up on the beach, I guess this coupling is great.

When you realize you'll have to actually talk to one of these men

With a Rose Ceremony looming, Serena suddenly realizes that her hoops' screentime may be in jeopardy because she has talked to literally zero of the men. We soon learn that she's only interested in pursuing Aaron and so she puts her best hoop forward and goes after him:

She makes up some terrible rap and then they makeout. Unfortunately, this random, out-of-the-blue makeout session isn't enough to change Aaron's mind and he still gives his rose to Tammy's annoying ass. Which speaking of...

The first Rose Ceremony

Sharing this because look how genuinely happy Abigail is to get a rose from Noah. I've already mentioned a few of the first Rose Ceremony's decisions and there's basically no surprises. And tbh most of these couples will not stay together because it's only been two days. But after this first ceremony, Champagne Girl Kelsey and Best Hoops Serena are sent home along with Goddess-girl-is-annoying Victoria (YAY!). 

But now with this first Rose Ceremony out of the way, it's ladies choice next week meaning we're about to get some extra vitamin D (hehehe) on this beach. But first it's....

Time for a new host

Lance Bass of course arrives as "It's Gonna Be Me" plays because this is how I assume he arrives to most places. This also means we won't have to deal with David Spade's creeper peach fuzz anymore, so things are already on the up and up! 

Okay, back to the newest doses of vitamin D...

Remember how Thomas is really tall

Thomas shows up honestly I think because Mouth Breather Aaron, Puffed Up Bieber and Tre cannot stop talking about him. Unlike Kate Winslet in Titanic, when these guys say they'll never let go, they mean it. And they soon learn that if you say Thomas' name three times every three minutes (like they do), he just magically appears. And despite literally no one asking, they've already spread the word about their 1-star Yelp review of Thomas, which doesn't exactly set the best stage for his arrival.

After chatting with all of the women, Thomas decides to use his date card to ask out Serena, which sends Joe back into his downward sock spiral:

That's right, he puts on those stupid thong-level-of-material socks and begins crying that he's going to lose Serena to a new guy like he lost Kendall and he'll probably be going home soon. 

Meanwhile, Serena and Tall Thomas ride on a banana boat before sitting down for some beach coot to mostly talk about why the guys' Burn Book has pictures of Thomas throughout it.

Thomas says that Aaron hates him because he interrupted him one night while he was talking to Katie and drama spiraled from there. And Tre was his best friend in the house, but he isn't "emotionally strong." Serena listens to all of this, but you can tell she's skeptical of him in general. They still kiss because why not he's tall and hot, before walking back to join the group.

Mostly including this to illustrate THIS MASSIVE SIZE DIFFERENCE??? Like Serena could fully fit inside of Thomas. Like, he could comfortably cradle her like a baby.

Anyway, despite Joe spending the entire afternoon listening to Lana Del Rey and all but packing his bags to leave, Serena lets him know that she's not feeling Thomas and is still into him and his red Adidas slides the most.

Joe immediately responds like "Oh yeah of course, I wasn't worried" even though she can see he's cried on every communal beach cushion in a 10-mile vicinity.

Now with no women interested in Thomas, he decides to focus on getting the guys to stop hating him because it's really cramping his 6'6" style.

He apologizes to all of them, saying he recognizes how selfishly shitty he was before specifically apologizing to Aaron and Tre. And what I need to point out is how even in this unclear screenshot I can tell that Aaron's mouth is open. Almost every time he's onscreen, he looks like this:

That mouth is ALWAYS open, whether he's talking or mouth breathing or mouth breathing while talking. You will not convince me that this man does not snore.

Okay back to Thomas apologizing, Mouth Breather tells him that he's still going to avoid him for the most part, but hopes to see it in Thomas' actions that he's changed. Tre essentially forgives him and everything is peaceful for approx 2.5 minutes before Serena tells Tre that Aaron said he was emotionally weak. And that concludes the rekindling of their friendship that lasted for all of one mouth breath. 

These ding dongs keeping this Thomas drama going is so stupid. It's also laughable that any of them are still mad that Thomas admitted being on The Bachelorette is a good platform because IT CLEARLY IS SINCE ALL OF THEM ARE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE??? LIKE THEY ALL BENEFITED FROM BEING ON THE BACHELORETTE?? I HATE THIS SHOW.

But okay, let's get to a less dramatic new arrival....

Remember how I love Riley

Riley and his big heart and even bigger biceps show up on the beach and despite him being the one person Tahzjuan wanted to meet here, he decides to use his date card to ask out Maurissa.

Their date takes place inside the Beast's mansion (like Beauty & the Beast):

You can clearly see Lumière there in the middle, there's no fooling me. I'm not falling for that again.

Anyway, this part of the date features Lance Bass asking them increasingly more personal questions and they can either choose to answer or eat something from this assortment:

After a few rounds of questions and with cow tongue and tripe on both of their breaths, the romance levels are just off the charts and like who can resist making out:

They do actually sit down to an actual dinner later and bond over being family-oriented. Maurissa says that she is someone who needs reassurance in a relationship and Riley very sweetly tells her she has a great soul and he can give her that reassurance she needs.

While Maurissa and Riley are quickly becoming a couple, do you remember who Maurissa was coupled up with 15 minutes ago?

That's right, Chicken. And he's back to plucking on his ukulele while singing (I think?) the same song he sang on Katie's season. And I really cannot screech this enough — please stop allowing men to sing on this show. Please. Unless Shawn Mendes decides to walk on the beach one season, we have to forbid it.

Oh right, but even though Connor is sulking around the beach and singing sad songs, he says he's "not worried at all" about Maurissa, even though she is literally about to get engaged to Riley. I think it's safe to say that at the next Rose Ceremony, this chicken will be out of cluck.

And while we're on the topic of food....

What I wanted to eat this week

Serena ignores these shrimp lettuce wraps AND SIDE OF GUACAMOLE while talking to Jessenia about Thomas. I mean, star of the entire episode if I'm being honest.

And that's it! Our first 4-hour week, we did it y'all. I'm off to take a nap or maybe read a book because I've only been watching Love Island UK or BIP and there's no way that can be healthy.

See you next week! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 1)

After an almost two-year hiatus, we're back in Paradise!

Source

Honestly, the long break was probably a good thing so those communal couch cushions and pillows could be properly sanitized and deep cleaned (aka burned).

This is the first season of BIP that I actually know everyone by name, which yes you are correct, is truly upsetting. It means that I've now been watching this franchise long enough to know AND REMEMBER names. 

I will be having a moment to reflect on the mistakes that led me here, but first, let's get to another season! I can never stop watching this I guess!

I know when I think paradise, I think

Hosts will be rotating through this season beginning with the one person everyone most closely associates with a show about hot singles finding love on the beach: David Spade. 

I know he's apparently a fan of the show, but you cannot tell me you would not be IMMEDIATELY creeped out by this peach fuzz mustache if you encountered it on a beach. 

Anyway, we're not the only ones surprised by David's presence. As the cast arrives, they all laugh in an "omg what" type way, beginning with...

THE ONLY PERSON WHO BETTER FIND LOVE HERE

Abigail is first to arrive, which is hopefully a sign that she'll be the first to find love. I don't know if you remember or can come to a conclusion based on the all caps header for this section, but I'm a fan of Abigail. She was the best one on Matt's season (remember how he forgot about her, I will never forgive that man) and long story short, I want her to find love more than I want to find it myself (though tbh I already find it every time I open a Chipotle bowl, so I'm doing fine, thanks).

Now obviously, I'd love for Abigail to fall in love with Ivan or Brendan and shouldn't the universe agree with my interests? Unfortunately, the only couple I've created in my mind that has actually come true is Adam Brody and Leighton Meester (EXCUSE ME, A GOSSIP GIRL AND OC CROSSOVER, WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF), so my success rate isn't that high. Instead, Abigail and Noah form an early connection and when Abigail gets the first date card (and everyone cheers because like me, they love her) she asks Noah out.

I didn't really care about Noah during Tayshia's season, but I now realize most of that was because he had that ridiculously creepy mustache. When he arrives to BIP, he says he's most excited to meet Abigail, so this date, that takes place inside a piñata superstore, is actually pretty sweet.

Abigail shares that she doesn't go on dates often, even though she's asked out A LOT and that she friend zones guys "very easily." She adds that it takes her a while to call someone her boyfriend because she wants to be very sure. Noah then reminds her that they're on sort of a time crunch since the ol' BIP clock is ticking and remember you either get engaged OR DIE at the end of this (I'm kidding, I think).

Noah keeps working at getting her to open up because he wants to know "what makes Abigail, Abigail" and she says that she doesn't cry or express herself a lot. In response, Noah tells her that she has a "heart of gold" and everyone clapping for her when she got the date card speaks to who she is and that she deserves all of it and more. He then says he's ready to "smash all night long":

He's talking about smashing piñatas, you guys. What did you think he was referring to.

In an unexpected turn of events, I really really really like them together and think they're a precious little couple. I'm thinking they'll stay coupled up for most of the season.

But okay, let's get to who I'm trying to smash (again, referring to piñatas, sure, hehe).

BrendAAAAAAAAMN

I don't know if you know or not, but my favorite food is Brendan-dan noodles (some might call them "noods"). Wow. Here is some actual footage of me reacting to Brendan's arrival:

I haven't been waxed in a while, okay, keep your comments to yourself. Everyone on the beach, from the guys to the girls to the production assistants to the crabs, all have a moment during the episode where they talk about how hot Brendan is. 

Brendan forms an early connection with Natasha (from waste-of-space-Peter's season) and it seems like he'll give her his rose for the first ceremony. 

In the meantime, I'll just share this other screenshot I took of him:

Which coincidentally enough features my other boyfriend who btw....

I am willing to move to Dallas for this man

When Ivan arrives, Abigail says he's "super hot" and "taller than I expected," which coincidentally enough are the only two qualifications I am looking for in a husband. To refresh your memory, I am obsessed with Ivan. He's an aeronautical engineer and you are right to remember that I do in fact have something for him to engineer (it's me, was that not clear). 

Anyway, at the beginning, Ivan says he's most excited to meet Serena P. Buuuuut, instead of Serena P., he actually ends up spending the most time this episode with:

Jessenia! Another one of the standouts on Matt's season, who you may remember got into some drama with that 80s looking villain MJ. We get shots of Ivan and Jessenia hanging out in the pool later and kissing and wow looking at them together is almost too much because they're both incredibly good looking?? Anyway, hope to see them last at least a few weeks.

Oh but, remember how he first mentioned liking Serena P? Guess who else wants to meet her....

Yes this man seems very ready to date

Grocery Store Joe is back after ending a two-year relationship with Kendall (who was into animal taxidermy, remember her). He says he's back because "it worked before" so I guess this man does not know how to date outside of the confines of this show. It's a bit unclear how long he and Kendall have been broken up, but he says it has been "long enough to be comfortable dating other people," which in man time is two hours. 

Anyway, so he's also looking forward to meeting Serena P., but before he can, Kelsey offers a nice boost of confidence. You may remember Kelsey as:

Source

She says "the champagne thing" was funny, but she's ready to move on and the show clearly understands and respects that:

This reminds me that I would actually love a career as a "Champagne Girl," like those girls in clubs who bring out bottles of champagne with sparklers in them. Do you think they have a 401K and benefits, let me know, thanks. 

Right so, she goes up to Joe, who is sulking by the bar, and tells him that they've renamed him "Gym Joe" because his outfit looks like he just came from the gym (okay, rude). This clearly sends his ego through the shredder, but then hot ass Brendan comes through with a hot glue gun, trying to piece that ego together by saying, "Well, at least you have a nickname! No one is calling me anything." But Kelsey quickly puts his glued ego back through the shredder, saying "Not true! We're calling you best dressed!" 

So with his ego completely torched, he's ready to meet....
 

The most popular lady on the beach

You may remember Serena P. for introducing Matt to poutine during her hometown date (because like Blake, she is also from the town of Canada) before dumping him. Sharin' fries and dumpin' guys, I'm here for it!

She does end up chatting with Joe, who acts more awkward than this screenshot can portray:

He comments on how sweaty he is because he's nervous and then there's lots of awkward laughter and then in his interview clip after this, he says this was "like talking to Kendall" and he's not sure if he is ready to be here. And like, first off, just because Serena P. is also a woman who does this thing called talking, does not mean she is "like" Kendall. The baggage that Joe is bringing to this beach is waaaay over the weight limit, that's for sure. 

Joe then recovers from having his first conversation with a woman who is not Kendall by entering into an existential crisis:

Not to agree with Champagne Girl, but his shorts really do look like gym shorts. He spends most of the episode moping around the beach, acting like some emo teenager whose parents forced him to be here when all he really wants to do is focus on his music.

Once evening comes though, he puts on his best SOCKS AND SANDALS combo:

This is so incredibly upsetting. These type of socks are like thongs for feet, just tiny pieces of material that slide around and really serve no purpose, ESPECIALLY ON A BEACH??? Anyway, with his socks and sandals restoring his confidence, Joe chats with Serena again (who does make fun of his socks, thank G). He tells her about his relationship with Kendall and how it ended because of distance and also because they grew apart. And I guess the atmosphere of Joe talking about this ex mixed with socks and sandals sparks a connection between them:

With someone paying attention to him, Joe decides he likes being here and wants to stay (for what it's worth, what this man needs is not attention or another relationship, it is in fact therapy).

But while we're on the topic of kissing...

"I really enjoyed kissing Tre, more than his uncle"

Tahzjuan (from Colton's season, remember her line was "I hope I'm the Tahz-juan for you") is back for her second BIP season and as a reminder, is hilarious. When she arrives, she and Tre immediately recognize each other because SHE WENT ON A DATE WITH HIS UNCLE. His uncle, like his mother's brother.

At first, she feels a little weird about it, but they have a nice conversation and form a quick connection. Plus, later she determines that he is a better kisser than his uncle (an important determination to make):

But wait, there's more kissing happening. 

When you won't let having no lips stop you from your kissing dreams

Connor the Cat and his chicken tattoo are back to rub his teeth all over some poor woman. He's pretty quiet for most of the episode, but ends up spending time with Maurissa by the end of the night and they both share that they promised themselves they wouldn't kiss anyone on the first night. And I think Connor keeps that promise because I don't know if you can call what he's doing "kissing":

Looks more like he's showing how to fit an entire ice cream cone in his mouth. Maurissa kindly says that he's a good kisser and for this statement and enduring a hoovering by Connor, I hope she sticks around for at least a few weeks.

And what's funny is when all of these couples kiss, they all say something like, "I think we're the first kiss in Paradise," which is hilariously naive. It's like thinking you're the first one to eat a hot dog at a hot dog eating competition. 

Butt what is his mic attached to

Former boy band manager Kenny (from Tayshia's season, dear God I am so mad I know all of this by heart) shows up "naked," meaning we have to be distracted by this giant black box anytime he's onscreen. Unless that mic is literally stuffed in his ass crack, I'm assuming he's actually wearing some sort of tiny thong or maybe he's wearing one of Joe's tiny socks, who knows. Also for reference, this is what his front looks like:

Omg, what "front" did you think I was going to show, sickos. He spends most of the first episode chasing after Mari (also from Matt's season):

And look, even though he's being a little gimmicky with the naked thing, that doesn't mean he doesn't have deep, meaningful things to share with her. Jk, during their chat when she asks what he likes to do in Chicago, he says "Have coffee and chill," which as we know are both very distinctly Chicago things. Can't wait to hear what other thoughtful, Shakespearean lines we get from him.

Oh, this is another couple

Mouth breather Aaron and Tammy (who dramatically endured Peter's season) couple up early on because he thinks they have a similar sense of humor and she thinks he's hot and those two things form the strong foundation of any relationship.

And last but not least, I have to highlight the most important couple....

The hoops are back!

We don't hear much from Serena, but we do get this great shot of her with excellent lighting to highlight another great pair of hoops and that is important. And I know she went out on sort of a mean girl note during Matt's season, but look at those highlights, she's clearly changed, okay.

People who I wish were not back

Victoria is sadly back in our lives and referring to herself as a "goddess." For all of you spelling bee competitors, I'll use this word in a sentence: "god dess girl won't be here for long, right."

You likely remember her as being horrible on Matt's season and now charging $250 for a "health coaching session" on her personal website. Screams. Luckily for her (and us), the person she's most interested in ends up paying the most attention to her. And that person is of course her.

But we can't just let Victoria steal the spotlight, there's room for Karl in this section too!

As Tahz so perfectly puts it, "Who wears a freakin' watch and tennis shoes to the beach?" Karl arrives and immediately gets to Karl'ing. When Tahz asks if he has a name, he says "Yes," but then doesn't say it. He then bursts out laughing as if this is his crown jewel of a joke, telling her that he wanted to see how annoyed she'd get (wtf??). Love that he learned all of this flirting skills from an 8th grade boy. 

Actually, I wonder if Karl and Victoria will couple up. Let's not think about that because what's more important to think about is....

What I'd spend all of my time focusing on

Do these people get to eat endless tacos and chips and guacamole?? Because to be VERY CLEAR, my strategy would be to form a connection with any dodo bird each week for the sole purpose of sticking around to eat more tacos. Like instead of being given a rose each week, I'd want to be given a plate of tacos and chips. Just something I've been deeply thinking about. 

And that's it! Or well, actually things end with the arrival of this person:

This will make things interesting for the first rose ceremony, which we didn't get to yet. The guys have roses this week and are all acting like douchebags saying the women have to "work for it." And um...do these ding dongs not realize that....next week....the women will have the roses? The stupidity is astounding.

See you all next week for more of it! Til then, find me printing and framing photos of Brendan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).